You made this one longer. Excellent. *makes evil pyramid with hands*

"Her scanned over the mansion one last time, and suddenly got stuck on something." This single sentence manages to mess up the entire rest of the story. What got stuck on what? Who? How?

Now, since you said you were bad at going horror scenes, I realize you'll probably chalk it up to that. But I wouldn't even really call this a horror scene. I've reread the last four paragraphs multiple times now, and I still don't understand what happened. She got something caught on a rock, and it turned out to be a person? How would she confuse a person, even a rotten corpse, for a rock? Did she fall in an open grave and get her foot stuck under a casket? Is it a talking tree like in the Wizard of Oz? I mean, there's nothing wrong with adding to the lineup of ghouls and ghosts in the mansion, but you need to be more specific with what exactly it is that she found.

And this is more of a peeve of mine, but in the dialogue with the woman while she was looking at the map didn't read very well. Nervous people don't s-stammer l-like th-th-this, unless it's for comedic effect. (Or a reference to I,Claudius, which is a great show that can be watched for free on Youtube, btw. Lol.) It's usually just the first word they get stuck on, and then the rest comes out pretty fast. Also, if the adults don't want people going to Someplace Else, why would they plainly mark it on a public map to begin with? It would make more sense if David actually gave her a map, maybe an old one he found, or gave her directions to assure her it wasn't too far away. Or something like that.

Ahh the little details first -- 

"Her aunt was probably looking for aunt".... Well. That's kind of self-explanatory.

But anyway.

I think the "horror scene" was pretty well written! I especially loved this one line: "Piercing brown eyes stared at her, glazed, murderous and hollow." However, I do think that the "realization" as well as the "reaction" went by too quickly, if I'm making any sense. Basically, I feel like the last three lines could have been protracted. Talk more about how scared/surprised Katie was. I liked how you built it up to that point, but the last part should have more... stuff XD

Hm.. i think that's about it! I want to read moreeee!!! 

--Tess

oooh. I love it already! Can't wait until Michael comes into the story :D

& since you said you like criticism... haha ok. But note that I point out tiny details rather than giving advice for the story in general. Yes i'm weird like that XD

first: "No internet, no TV, no nothing to cure her boredom." If this takes place during ghosts,  it should be like, 1995, when internet wasn't a "mainstream" thing (I don't think... maybe it was). Just saying, but perhaps the story takes place in another time period idk. It's not a big deal though.

also: You called katie "annie" once haha. I feel like that's actually quite common for some reason, using the wrong name. But oh well.

Haha that wasn't even helpful lol. I'm sorry. But I do have one question: How old is Katie? Just wondering... and david as well. I'm guessing they're teenagers or younger, like the kids visiting Someplace Else in Ghosts. People still in school, I would think. I love when stories are focused on Michael's interactions with children and just people in general. In a non-romantic way, though. I feel like there are too many of those on here.

((ahhh this is getting long. you can ignore now if you want haha)

Another thing I like a lot about this story is the way you stress how excruciatingly normal "Normal Valley" is, and how Someplace Else is so much more fun.

Yep, that's about it for now... Please do update. I like this a lot. :)