In the quiet darkness I heard footsteps, heavy ones. They made me freeze, bathing me in terror and causing my body to involuntarily shudder. I squeezed my eyes tightly shut and began to pray. Wordlessly I began to recite all of the prayers my mother taught me for protection.

I prayed a Hail Mary. I prayed to St. Michael the Archangel, I asked for God to be my defence against the wickedness and the snares of the devil. And I prayed for forgiveness as the tears silently rolled down my cheeks and the wind was knocked out of my chest from the weight of another body upon me.

The tormenting footsteps had stopped at the foot of my bed; sometimes the anticipation was the worst part. Sometimes I could transport myself; sometimes it wasn’t happening, sometimes I was elsewhere.

Even sometimes the only way I knew that it had happened was the discomfort I felt the next day.

This time was different. I cried uncontrollably as he released his anger into my ear. A hand curled around my throat, a thumb pressed against my airway, blocking it. I tried to stay calm despite my body writhing around beneath him and launching itself into survival mode. I tried to fight him, I tried to kick him, bite him; I tried anything to end it.

He was too strong; usually the reason why I just transported myself. It was easier that way; I didn’t get hurt.

He began to aggressively taunt me as I cried, making me just want to give up the fight. I lay lifeless beneath him, my eyes popping open involuntarily as I radically lost air.

I came face to face with him and he didn’t like it. He swore at me, he struck me with a closed fist, I continued to choke and splutter for air unt-

Taking in a large, deep, gasp, I woke up from my nightmare with a nurse by my side, taking me by surprise and making me jump a country mile out of bed. I backed myself in to a corner.

“Malania, it’s okay,” said Clair, my favourite nurse in a soft, soothing voice. “It was just a dream, you’re awake, and you’re okay.”

I couldn’t speak. My heart was racing and I was still gasping for air, feeling as though I had been choked. I hugged myself in the dimly lit room and realized I was saturated with perspiration, my damp hair plastered to my neck.

I slid down the wall slowly, crumpling into sobs. I tucked my knees beneath me and buried my face in my arms.

“It’s okay,” Clair said again, slowly coming to my side. She took a seat beside me, crossing her legs. She didn’t touch me, she didn’t say anything for the moment, just allowed me to get used to her being close to me.

“It was just a nightmare.”

“I know…” I murmured tearfully.

I hated that I was unable to control what was happening or the way that I was feeling; in fact, maybe it just came down to that very point.

I wasn’t in control anymore.

“Do you want to tell me about it? Sometimes that can help?” she suggested kindly. Clair was always my favourite nurse. I was sure that we weren’t that different in age. We chatted a lot and often I didn’t feel like she was even a caregiver, but rather a friend who was looking out for me.

However, in this instance, I definitely felt the difference in our roles.

I wiped my wet face and drew in a deep breath. I was still shaking uncontrollably. It had always been this way; after I got over the shock of my dream, my body went in to its own version of shock; leaving me shaking, shivering and feeling like I couldn’t get warm.

Clair got up and grabbed a blanket from my cupboard and draped it over my shoulders. She got me some tissues and resumed her seat beside me. I liked that she didn’t try to remove me from where I had found comfort. She didn’t tell me to get up off the floor; she just joined me in what felt like a safe spot.

“I heard you had a pretty big day…” she prompted me in a gentle tone.

I wiped my nose with tissue and simply nodded with agreement.

“Did you have a nice time with Michael, at least?” she asked in a low voice. I couldn’t help but snap my neck to look at her, shocked that she knew.

“How do you know about Michael?” I asked. I felt relief as well as panic. I stared into her piercing blue eyes.

She smiled warmly at me as if reassuring me that she could be trusted. “I saw you on some footage with him over the weekend,” she explained, “I started to piece it all together…”

“Please don’t tell anyone,” I said, letting go of the panic. I looked back at the crumpled tissue in my hand.

“Of course not. But I want you to know that you can be honest with me and talk to me if you need to.  If there’s anything that I feel I can’t discuss with you, I’ll let you know that it might be better for a conversation between you and Raia.”

I felt grateful that she knew. “Michael and I have had a rough week…” I murmured, “We’re okay now, I think…” I admitted.

“Is that what your dream was about?” she asked.

I shook my head. “They found my brother today…” I murmured, “I dreamed about him.”

Clair nodded, waiting for me to say more, but I couldn’t. “Do you think your brain is trying to process your sadness over it?”

I laughed bitterly. “No, nope…” I shook my head. I lifted my head and shrugged my shoulders; “I’m not feeling sad over it, Clair, not one bit.”

“Oh…” I knew she was surprised by my admission. I spared her the discomfort of telling her exactly why it was that I wasn’t feeling the grief that I saw covering my father’s very being.

I pulled the blanket around me tightly. “I should go back to bed,” I told her, slowly easing up from the floor.

Clair didn’t say anything. She got up too. “Do you want me to sit with you until you go to sleep?” she asked kindly.

“I think I’ll be okay,” I replied. I just wanted to be in bed and I wanted to be alone and I wanted to read Jonathan Livingstone Seagull again, because I was starting to lose focus on what was important.

Once Clair left me to it, I changed out of my cold, sweaty pajamas that I had been wearing and into a new, fresh pair. I grabbed the book from my bedside table and began to read it again.

“It was morning, and the sun sparkled gold across the ripples of a gentle sea…” I began to read.

The book brought me back to a spot of comfort that allowed me to feel connected to Michael.

**

“Oh, God…” I muttered under my breath.

“I’m sorry,” he apologised meaningfully. I glanced at the newspaper again and felt my stomach shift. “You have enough shit going on, you don’t need to worry about this…”

I took my face in my hands and rubbed my eyes, feeling suddenly exhausted. Plausible, considering I wasn’t able to go back to sleep.

“Is Kaito…”

“Yeah, he’s fine, I think he was just dulling his pain,” Michael cut me off, “and the wrong person messed with him.”

The paper was grainy and blurry but it had been photographed right in the moment where Kaito had launched into a violent attack. The headline read, Jackson’s Bad Company. They had accused my brother of being violent, drunk and full of threats. Of course, that was only one part of the story.

“So…” I frowned, feeling confused, “what actually happened?”

“Your brother came around last night after he left here, he wanted to blow off some steam so we went to Koi for dinner and then he wanted to go to a bar, so Carsen and another bodyguard, Chris, took us…” Michael explained.

I rolled my eyes. “Did you think that that was a good idea?”

“No, but he was really adamant and to be honest, sweetheart, I didn’t want him to just leave and start drinking alone or something stupid…”

As irate as I felt, I knew it wasn’t Michael’s fault, he was trying to protect my brother and he felt guilty for what happened. “Okay…”

“When Kaito was getting a bit too crazy, I forced him to call it a night and when we walked out the paparazzi were everywhere, one of the guys was trying to pull at my strings, he called me a child molester,” Michael continued as though none of it bothered him, but I could tell that it did.

Quite frankly, the idea of anyone actually calling him that made my blood boil.

“Did Kaito react to that?”

Michael nodded. “I told him to ignore it, but he just went crazy… he grabbed the guy and punched him and grabbed his stupid camera and had to be pulled off by Carsen. The press went crazy and the police turned up and he was arrested.

“He’s home now, right?” I asked, worried for my brother.

“Well yeah, I posted his bail right away and Chris had a word to the photographer who he attacked and the assault charge was dropped immediately…”

“Where’s Kaito now?”

“He’s at my hotel sleeping off his hangover.”

“Thanks for taking care of him…” I told him glumly. “Guess he was more upset about Samuel than he let on…”

“I’m sorry,” Michael apologised to me again.

“It’s okay…” I sucked in a deep breath and tossed the paper aside. “I’m sorry that jerk called you a child molester. To be fair, drunk or not, I would have attacked him as well.”

He just shook his head, not wanting to let it bother him like I’m sure it did the first time. “Don’t worry about it.”

“Have you spoken to your Dad or Mom?” Michael asked me, changing the subject.

“Nope,” I replied. “I don’t think I’ll be able to see them until they get over it,” I told him coldly, which was exactly how I felt.

“That could be a long, long time,” Michael replied with a challenging tone, as if he were trying to extricate some emotions from me.

I shrugged, “I guess it’ll be a long time until I see them.”

He seemed in a bad mood, as though he was frustrated with me. I sighed. “Michael, I know you don’t understand, but I can’t help the way I feel, just as how I’d hope that they can’t help how they feel.”

“I know…” he trailed off. “Kaito is upset too, regardless of what he says, he is hurting and I can see that… so maybe you need to just try and see things from a different perspective. You have a very, very pure heart, Malania, I know you…”

I recoiled in offense. “Are you kidding me, Michael?” I asked, laughing in a bit of shock. “You want me to support my parents or my brother through my rapist’s death?”

He avoided my eyes, realising obviously what he was asking of me. I was livid.

I found it hard to breathe. “I think you should go…”

“Malania—“ he started, “that’s not really what I meant.”

I stood up, getting up off my bed with my back to him for a moment. I tried to summon up the courage so as not to fall apart in front of him. I raked a hand through my hair as I turned back to him. “You know, I don’t really feel like being understanding,” I told him. His darkened eyes just watched me move around erratically, wanting to pull my hair out with anger.

“Do you know that ever since I began to talk to Raia about my abuse, I haven’t slept a single fucking night? That I wake up a couple times a night from nightmares and night terrors?”

“I’m sor-“

“Michael, you weren’t there. Mom and Dad? They weren’t there. Kaito ran away, I was raped during the most formidable part of my life and I lived it alone. No one gave a fuck about me, and it’s starting to feel like I could add you to that shit-list.”

“Stop it!” he raised his voice at me.

“Stop what?” I asked with an accusatory tone, “stop what? Telling the fucking truth?” I took a deep breath and realised that I was crying, “What is it with you people? Everyone keeps talking about how feelings aren’t wrong, how every feeling is valid…” I wiped my eyes. “Everyone’s feelings are valid… unless they’re mine.”

He clamoured for something to say, he got up and tried to physically console me, but I didn’t need consoling. I just wanted to be left alone.

“Just go…” I told him, lowering my voice, “Just leave me alone…”

He stood before me, unsure of whether or not I wanted him to fight me on it. “I can’t say anything right, right now, can I?”

I said nothing as we stood a couple of inches apart from one another. I didn’t want us to end our visit on bad terms, but I couldn’t sit and let myself be subject to his misunderstanding.

“I just need to think…”

He nodded slowly as if letting it sink in. He reached up and took my cheeks in his palms. He kissed my forehead. “I love you, don’t lock yourself away from me for too long.”

I let my eyes fall shut as he hugged me. I couldn’t bring myself to embrace him. “Okay,” I whispered.

**

When Michael left, I went out to the reception. Julia came to my side; she had all but given me some much-needed space, but I could tell that she was bursting at the seams to hang out.

“Hey, hey, are you feeling okay?” she wondered. I hadn’t seen her since when I’d left the previous day with Michael.

“Not really,” I replied, “but it’s okay-“ I stopped for a moment and waited for the chief nurse’s attention. She hung up the phone and looked at me expectantly.

I smiled even though I didn’t feel like it. “I was just wondering if you could contact Raia for me, I think I’d like to see her as soon as she’s free.”

“Sure, Malania, I’ll put a call in and let you know what she has available,” the nurse smiled kindly at me. I knew that they appreciated when we sought out our own therapy; apparently they took it as a sign that we were trying to make progress.

“Are you okay?” I asked, turning back to Julia as we were departing the nurses’ station.

“Yeah, I’m just bored. Peyton is being cruel again…” she muttered.

“Tell her to fuck off,” I told her bluntly, “Peyton is a little bully. Don’t let her do it.”

Interrupting me was a familiar voice that made my stomach turn. “Malania, wait a sec…” I turned to see my sister standing a little ways behind us. She had obviously just been signed in as I was walking away from my request.

“Great,” I murmured. Julia picked up on it.

“You are so lucky,” Julia said to me as I plastered on a fake smile, “you get so many visitors.”

“You’re welcome to them,” I said under my breath as my sister embraced me in a hug.

“I’ll catch you later,” she waved and went off to find something to do, probably avoiding that little bitch who seemed to be on a warpath every second to third day.

“Hi Anica,” I greeted her. It had been over a week since I’d seen her. She had only been in twice to visit me.

“Hi,” she shoved a newspaper at me as we made our way to our room. “What the hell is this?”

I drew in a deep breath. “Exactly what it says…” I shot back. “Kaito got a bit messy and someone pissed him off, I guess.”

She closed my door before she let the fake, chirpy expression fall from her face. “Since when did he and Michael become best friends?” she asked.

I almost rolled my eyes at her. “I don’t know… how should I know, Anica, I am locked up in here? I see Michael for about an hour a day or a friggin’ phone call, I can’t keep tabs on him 24/7 and I don’t monitor who he hangs out with.”

“I can’t allow you to move in with Kaito after this stunt, how do I know you’re not going to piss him off and cause him to lose his temper and start beating you?”

I actually laughed. “Firstly,” I began, “Kaito was provoked, not that it makes it okay, but I’m pretty sure if what was said to him was said to me, I would have lunged too…” I told her, “And secondly, you don’t get to make my decisions for me.”

She gave me a hard blink before sinking down in the visitor’s chair. “Malania, they did tell you about Samuel, right?”

I wondered if my sister were crazy. It was as though she was trying to adopt a new approach to wear me down. “Of course they did.” I waited for her to start lamenting over him, but she didn’t.

“And how do you feel about it?”

I shrugged. “How do you think I’m supposed to feel about my rapist leaving the world? Sad? Nope, not me.”

“I feel sad for Mom and Dad, but for me… I guess I’m like you,” she started.

I just shrugged again, trying to not be annoyed by her sympathy for my parents.

“Can I ask you something?” she began delicately. I knew I wasn’t going to like it.

I just nodded. I was curious to see what fuckery she was trying to cause. I never knew my sister to be calculating or manipulative, but I was getting a weird vibe from her. There seemed to be some weirdness between her and Kaito, I couldn’t figure it out.

“Please don’t get defensive, because I am only looking out for you, okay?”

I nodded again.

“Michael is a nice man, granted, I like him, but… have you considered that befriending you could be a bit of a stunt?” she asked. “I don’t mean to be hurtful, but… for instance, he hasn’t called you his girlfriend, he hasn’t told you he loves you, you guys haven’t even had sex-“

I began to laugh. I began to laugh because my sister was an idiot and all the hopes and dreams that I’d had of us becoming close and having the relationship we’d had as children just went flying out the window. She didn’t understand, she didn’t believe Michael was innocent, she believed he was using me.

“Michael isn’t using me,” I said simply. “You haven’t given him a chance.”

“I just find him odd,” she admitted, not liking my sudden burst of laughter. “He does all the right things on the surface – visiting, befriending our brother, paying your bills-“

“Wait a minute, what?” I asked, cutting her off, “what do you mean paying your bills?”

I saw a look of panic cross her face. “I just mean that-“

“No,” I stopped her, “you said he’s paying my bills, what the hell is he paying?”

“Mom and Dad couldn’t afford this treatment,” she told me, “they asked Kaito and I to help foot the bill—and no offense Malania, but I have my family to look out for, so I said no. Michael walked in on the argument and apparently insisted on taking care of it.”

“Was it a big bill?” I asked gingerly, hoping it was a matter of a few hundred that I could pay him back when I was on my feet.

Anica was reluctant to tell me the amount.

“Don’t walk in here, question my judgement on my fucking boyfriend, put your foot in your damn mouth, and expect me to not want answers.”

“He’s not your boy-“ she stopped herself before I did, “it was a couple hundred thousand…”

“What the fuck….” tears sprang to my eyes, “why did you push Mama and Papa to put me here when you would have known the cost and then refuse to help them?”

She seemed mad that I would expect her help. “Malania, I gave them this option of treatment, I didn’t make them do anything, they were aware of the cost of this place; it’s not my fault they didn’t budget.”

I felt incredibly hurt and betrayed by her.

“For the record,” I started, “Michael does call me his girlfriend, Michael has told me he loves me, in fact, all the time and the only reason why we haven’t had sex is because I’m living with a fucking trauma and you couldn’t give a shit. At least Kaito and Michael are here with me everyday. You can’t fake that…”

I paused, watching her grow angry, it was a familiar look. She was always angry whenever she’d see me.

“But you know what you can fake? What you do. This concern, the will to look like you’re doing and saying all the right things and doing it all without a single bit of heart. I’m glad you said ‘no’ to Mom and Dad, at least I won’t ever have you on my shoulder telling me what I owe you.”

Before Anica had a chance to respond, a nurse knocked and let herself in. She smiled at us both. “Malania, sorry to interrupt, but Raia has a spot in about 10 minutes, are you ready to see her now?”

I nodded. “Yes, therapy is very important when you’re dealing with what I am,” I told her as if butter wouldn’t melt in my mouth, as if it wasn’t a direct jab at my asshole sister.

I literally could not win with my family.

I turned back to her while the nurse waited, “Don’t worry about coming back or waiting around.”

She said nothing. My sister was so conscious of her image that she didn’t dare fight back in front of someone. I grabbed my therapy notebook and followed the nurse quietly to see Raia.

**

Once I sat down, my tears began to flow freely and I hadn’t even said a single word yet.

Raia just gave me a reassuring smile and slid a box of tissues over toward me. I was grateful.

“I’m glad you came to see me, Malania.  If you’d like, I can give you a moment to compose yourself.”

I just nodded and took a few deep breaths. “I just…” I sputtered on my words, “I’m just starting to…” another big gulp of air, “to feel like I’m the bad guy…”

I wiped my eyes with the tissue and crumpled it in my hand.

“What’s happened in the past 24 hours that’s made you feel that way, do you think?”

I looked at the tissue in my hands and began to tear at the corners of it. I shrugged. “Michael told me that I should be more sensitive, that I should accept my parent’s sadness over Samuel.”

“And you don’t feel like you should?” she asked.

I shook my head. “You said yesterday, everyone’s feelings are valid, there is no right or wrong—except its anger, and in that case I’m not allowed to be angry, when I’m angry people get mad at me for my feelings.”

“So, it’s the reactions of other people that you are having trouble dealing with?” she wanted to clarify.

I looked up from the tissue at my psychologist. Her dark hair was pulled back in to a slick ponytail. She was wearing business attire that afternoon. A black business suit that made her look as though she belonged on Wall Street and not some casual office in the middle of some rich centre for brat kids and young adults of the rich, and sometimes, famous.

“I guess…”

“You know, Malania, in the same essence that you can’t control your feelings, you’ll have to understand or at least accept that your parents or your brother and Michael won’t be able to control theirs,” she pointed out. “If you expect them to be understanding of your feelings, you might want to think about how you could extend them the same courtesy.”

“I just can’t fathom how they can be upset knowing what their son did to me.”

“The level of knowledge that they have of what went on is very limited, Malania; not to defend them, but do keep that in mind.”

“I keep having nightmares…” I admitted, “I had another one last night… they’re getting worse.”

“Did you want to talk about them?” she asked.

I shrugged. “It’s not really a dream actually, it’s more of a re-enactment of some of the things he used to do to me.” I shook my head, “I just wake up from it, shake out of it and go back to bed with a book and my lamp on… it’s the only way I can get through it.”

“Are you trying those deep breathing exercises we have been practicing?” she wondered.

I hadn’t. I felt like they were bullshit, but I said yes to appease her. “It works a bit,” I lied, “it’s nice when there’s a nurse there when I’ve woken up. We have a quick chat and it’s usually a bit relaxing. I’ll be okay.”

I looked back down, continuing to tear at the tissue, leaving shreds of it in the lap of my black sweat pants.

“I had a fight with my sister before, she’s probably sitting in my room still waiting for me. I don’t trust her, Raia.”

“What don’t you trust in particular?”

I shook my head, trying to find a word to verbalise it. “At first I felt like she was on my side, but ever since she’s been bossy and odd. It was like Samuel was a catalyst for her to cement her hatred for my mother and today she dropped it on me that Michael is paying for this treatment…”

“And that bothers you?”

“I mean… yeah,” I drew in a deep exhausted breath, “it definitely bothers me, she told me my Dad asked her for help financially and she openly blew him off. I feel bad because Samuel was a drain on my parents’ finances and then it became me… and I feel bad that Michael probably felt so bad for them that he wore the bill cos my sister is such a bitch.”

“Perhaps your sister isn’t in a financial position to foot such a bill.”

“She is.” I replied, “It’s not that I expect it, but I find it strange considering she pushed and pushed for my spot here. She’s trying to turn me against Kaito by telling me he has a propensity to violence as well, that I should live with her after I leave…”

“And you don’t believe that?”

“No, Kaito has been my Godsend, he and I have become so close and he and Michael get along so well, I know its been a long time and a lot of things have passed between us over the years, but we’ve just clicked and I needed that…”

“What I’m hearing, is that you’ve long been waiting to identify with someone from your family. You’ve spent so long feeling as though you’re not entirely a part of it, but that recently Kaito has become more relatable to you, so you feel less alone.”

I nodded, appreciating that she was able to verbalise my feelings.

“Anica started on Michael. She thinks that he’s hanging out for good publicity.”

Raia gave a light chuckle. “Look, honestly, after the effort and care I saw from him the other day, I don’t believe that’s the case. It would be a lot of effort to go to, wouldn’t it?”

I was able to chuckle, too. “He could find any girl to be his publicity beard if necessary. I tried to explain that, but I guess it feels like she’s looking for any way to control me and I don’t know why.”

“Do you consider that maybe given the different personalities in your family, that she is just trying to show her care for you in the only way that she knows how? That maybe, even though it’s not being well-received, there’s no malice intended?”

I shrugged, “I don’t know… I just have a gut feeling that something is not right.”

“Well that’s okay, sometimes it’s okay to trust our instincts; they are there for a reason.”

I nodded.  “I just want to live with my brother. I feel like he’ll truly look out for me and he’ll also be closer to Michael, who, besides today, is always a good support for me.”

Raia listened patiently to me. The more time passed and the more I became accustomed to seeing her, the more I did like having someone to bounce thoughts off.

“And how did things go after you visited with him yesterday morning?” she asked me.

“I went to break up with him, but he wouldn’t accept it. We talked, we both cried, we met in the middle and he promised me we could get through it.”

“What was it that made you both cry?” I hugged my black shrug around me, feeling a little self-conscious.

“Just… frustration with each other, with the situation. He was mad at me for wanting to leave him, I told him I wanted to protect him from ruining something inevitably later… he got upset… I think we’re good for each other, we’re both fucked up in our ways, but at least we’re not encouraging bad behaviour in one another, we actually do our best at trying to heal one another.”

Raia didn’t really comment on it, but she nodded.

“Michael agreed to see a therapist himself to help him during his situation and to also blow off steam about what I’m putting him through,” I said with a laugh.

Raia smiled, “I think that’s a great idea, he will also probably be able to find some ways of supporting you with what you’re going through. It definitely shows a sign of his commitment. It is also a great show of what we were talking about, how we all must work to be the best version of ourselves for the people that we love.”

“I know I need to call Michael and talk to him, but…”

“It’s okay to need time to process everything.  Take your time here as a reprieve, in some ways, from the outside world. Just go through all your day to day routines, such as the art therapy that you enjoy doing with Julia, or the yoga, or whatever it is that you decide to do.”

I nodded slowly.

“Thanks Raia, for seeing me. I appreciate it.” I actually wanted to go back to bed and finish reading the book that I’d stayed up almost the whole night reading.

“If Michael needs a referral to a psychologist, you can let me know and I can help with that,” she told me.

“Thanks.” I smiled.

**