So, a few employees down, but it wasn’t going to stop me. Despite my roller coaster emotions of sadness, anger and numbness, I hadn’t expected my reunion with my parents to be so … empty.

When no one came to get me about the flight home, I assumed that Larry had given up indefinitely. There had been something about the way he had spoken to me and lost his temper that made me feel a little relieved he was gone.

Though, I didn’t know what to do. I called my father for his help, and for all his faults and all the fear that he filled me with, I knew he truly loved and cared for me. I didn’t need to lift a finger, he called back just forty minutes later with flights organized, cars set up and a decoy ready to go whenever I was.

He’d organized two private security guards to aid me back home.

I packed my own things, a rarity these days, and I was on my way home.

**

My mother held her arms out as I made my way slowly toward her. There was nothing that ever could compare to the comfort of my mother’s embrace. I almost burst in to tears but I noticed my father standing beside her and immediately I put on a brave face. He hated tears. I had to hold on to any shred of masculinity I had while I was around him.

My mother was full of relief to see that I was physically OK. She slid her arms around me and held me warmly for a long time without even daring to let go. I knew part of the comfort was for her as well as me. She felt relieved to have her baby boy in her arms. I felt her lips on the side of my face, kissing me.

“How are you, Michael?” he asked me as I slowly and reluctantly drew away. She took my cheeks in her hands and looked in to my eyes. I bravely blinked back my tears and gave her a weak smile.

“I’m okay,” I nodded, the three of us stood there knowing that I was full of crap. I wasn’t okay, but I needed to save face in front of my security, temporary assistant and the driver that were all waiting for us to go.

“Hi Joseph,” I greeted my father, “thanks for all of your help.” 

“Don’t mention it, son,” he replied, giving me a brief hug that was awkward and uncomfortable, but I appreciated the fact that he was trying.

“Can I come stay at your place?” I asked my father and mother, they knew I didn’t want to go home. I didn’t want to be alone. I just wanted to have my Mother take care of me and fuss over me and keep harm from me.

Or to keep me from harming me.

“Michael, why would you even need to ask that?” my mother asked me with an almost reproachful stare. I supposed my question was more loaded than that. What I really meant was, can I come and stay and can you make sure everyone leaves me alone except you.

My brothers, sisters, nephews, nieces, cousins and friends came and went from Hayvenhurst all the time. I wasn’t interested in seeing anyone except my mother. My Dad knew how to do business when it was necessary and I knew that for all his lack of emotion there was a heart beneath the scrub and that heart was full of love and compassion for my situation. Though, my father was a more practical man than an emotion one, but maybe that was okay.

No other words were spoken, my luggage was collected and we slipped in heavily tinted black Mercedes that would hardly go noticed. The whole way to Hayvenhurst, my mother sat with me in the back seats holding my hand tightly as I rested my head against the car window losing to the monsters that had taken up residence in my head.

Each passing hour made it harder and harder to breathe.

**

“I don’t want it…” I replied to the knock at my door. I knew it was food. They had been trying to feed me for the past day. I’m pretty sure it was all at my Mom’s urging.

I wasn’t interested. I wasn’t hungry.

“Mr. Jackson I’ll just leave it by the door,” the unfamiliar voice spoke. I was pretty sure it was either a maid or the chef, herself.

I didn’t reply. I rested my back against the door and sighed. I knew with my refusal to eat would come a visit from my mother like I’d had at lunchtime and at breakfast.

Every time I ate something I felt it sitting at the back of my throat and wanted to throw it straight up.

And to top things off, my dozen or so phone calls to Diane weren’t being taken. I needed her, I needed my friend. I needed Casey. One of those little smile’s wouldn’t have gone astray.

I remembered the first time I saw the tight blonde ringlets springing crazily from the toddler’s face I was enchanted. She had stared at me curiously while sucking on her thumb.

She needed care, she was so ill.

I felt the door jiggling behind me, “Mom, I’m okay,” I told her almost losing my patience. I remembered though, I wanted it this way. I wanted to have someone fuss over me. I knew, logically, throughout my sadness and my despair, I needed someone or else I’d let myself go completely.

“I want to come in, Michael,” she told me simply. I didn’t have enough strength to keep arguing the point. I moved away from the door and went and took a seat on the couch of my old living quarters. No one had changed it since I’d moved, I suspected that was Mom’s orders.

I looked up at the high cathedral ceilings to the Disney posters and the art that hung from the beams. There was a religious icon that I knew my Mom didn’t approve of, but I always felt that the Greek orthodox painting from a fan gave me strength.

I drew in a deep breath as she let herself in. She was holding the tray of food that the maid or whoever had left my door. 

“Michael, I want you to eat something, you need to eat your supper, you’ve eaten two bites of a sandwich…” she looked over me fondly in the darkened room and placed the wooden tray on the coffee table before me. 

“I’ve tried calling Diane,” I told her ignoring her pleas with me to eat, “I’ve left messages on the machine, I’ve tried calling her Mom, but there’s no answer. I hope Casey is alright.” I was just thinking out loud.

My Mom was grimacing, I assumed, feeling bad that my friends were avoiding me. 

“You don’t need to call another family, you have your family right here for you…” she took my hand gently and gave it a little squeeze.

“I love Diane,” I told her, “she’s my friend,” I felt my eyes welling up quite suddenly, quicker than what I had anticipated. “I think she’s turned her back on me, I know she loves me too, but she’s probably thinking that Casey needs to stay away from me until the truth comes out.”

“Michael… did you say anything to Diane that could have upset her recently?” she asked. 

I gave my Mom a look as I wiped my tears from my eyes. I shook my head but then remembering back to our last long conversation before things got a little weird and finally shrugged. 

“Are you sleeping with her?” 

My eyes widened in shock and I laughed. At least there was some comic relief between my tears, I thought. “No, Mother,” I assured her, managing a weak smile, “we’re friends. Even if I was interested in her that way, I would never risk losing Casey. Can you imagine if we got together and then broke up? I’d never see Casey again.” 

“What is it about this child?” my Mom asked, almost frustrated with my level of love for her. 

How could I tell her the connection I had with her? How could I ever explain that I was on the brink of nothingness when that little girl had looked in to my eyes and saved me? No one understood, only Diane and Casey and I could never tell another soul about the time I had come undone.

Especially when I could feel myself unraveling slowly again. The slow and steady decline of my life began just four days earlier when Larry had brought me the news.

I just shrugged. 

“Michael, please eat this, I know you don’t want anything but you have to eat.” 

I looked down at the plate. It was just a small portion of rice with vegetables as well as a tall glass of juice.

I didn’t like to disappoint my mother. I hated to see her worried. I picked up the small bowl and the fork and took a tiny mouthful. I chewed it for a long period of time before I could convince myself to try to swallow. 

“Good boy…” she praised me which made me feel regressed back to childhood. She placed her hand on my back in comfort as I ate a second mouthful to appease her. I could immediately feel my throat closing up and a lump forming as though I couldn’t get the food down past my esophagus.

I picked up the juice and took a few gulps and stopped short of retching. I tried another mouthful of the rice, but I was struggling. I finally put it down. 

“I can’t eat more,” I told her simply. 

“Okay. I’ll leave it here, just a little bit at a time okay? That’s all I ask.” 

I nodded. I leaned back and drew in a deep breath. “Mom, what’s gonna happen to me?” I wondered in a voice that I knew sounded more like a scared child. “Do you think I’m going to go to jail?” 

She wrapped her arms around me instantly and for the first time since I was had arrived home, she gave me the kind of embrace that I’d longed for. She brought my head to her shoulder and stroked my curls. “No, sweetheart, no, no, no, I will never let them take you to jail, you hear me?” 

“What if you can’t stop it?” I asked, my eyes filling with tears, “please don’t let them ruin me?” 

I knew immediately my Mom was crying too.

I couldn’t control my emotions any longer. I cried and cried while my mother stroked my hair and held me tightly just as I had needed her to do back in Mexico. I wanted her to tell me it was okay and she did. She told me not to worry, that everyone was doing their bit to take care of me. 

“I feel like God is mad at me…” I murmured tearfully. 

“God is not mad at you, sweetheart, you did nothing wrong.” 

“You don’t think so, do you? You didn’t believe it when you heard the news, did you?” I asked just to be sure. 

“No, Michael, absolutely not. Don’t be silly.” 

“I’m scared that Diane believes them that’s why she’s not answering me,” I spoke my fears out loud. 

“A good friend wouldn’t believe such a thing about you, Michael, she wouldn’t be avoiding you, she would be right here beside you.” 

“But… she has a young daughter, she has to put her first, I understand that.” I defended my friend. 

“Your sister-in-law, Lisa, has been here with Mercedes since you arrived home yesterday just waiting for you to feel up to company. Ever since she found out you were home she has been bursting at the seams to see you, Michael, and Lisa trusts you – she would never have brought her over otherwise. Anyone who knows you, knows that these rumours are false.” 

I drew in a deep breath. “Can I see the Mersy? Can you send her up? She doesn’t know what’s happening does she?”

Mercedes was my 6-year-old niece to Randy. He had nothing to do with her these days, but we did, we made the effort. Mom adored her and she adored Lisa too, we all did. It wasn’t her fault Randy had run around on her with someone else’s wife.

The test was if Lisa would allow Mercedes to see me alone. 

“No, she’s too young.” 

“I can’t see Lisa. I don’t want her looking at me…” 

“Michael, you’re being silly, we’re all just worried.” 

“Please…” I begged, “I just want to see Mers Just for now.” 

Mom agreed reluctantly and got up out of the couch, pausing just to place a kiss upon my forehead. “I love you Michael, you are my precious son, I need you to help me take care of you, so please eat.” 

“Okay,” I agreed in a whisper, knowing that there was no way I could eat anything more. I already had what little food I had swallowed swirling around in my stomach, threatening to come up at any given second. 

Mom left me to it and went downstairs. I began to scrape the food in to the trash, leaving just a tiny little bit in the bottom of the bowl, knowing that she wouldn’t believe me if I ate every tiny bit. I covered it over with some balled up paper so that she wouldn’t suspect anything before returning it to the tray. 

My niece didn’t come up straight away and I only assumed Lisa didn’t trust me. 

I started feeling sick and angry all over again and so desperate for Diane to answer my calls. I picked up the receiver on the telephone and tried her number again.

Hi, you’ve reached Diane and Casey Blackwood. I’m unable to take your call right now so if you want to leave your name and your number after the beep, we’ll get back to you as soon as possible!”  In the background right before the beep was a vibrant sounding Casey, “I’M CASEY!” she shouted in her giggly-loud voice. It always made me smile, even when I was feeling this blue.

That child was my remedy.

I opened my mouth as the machine beeped to leave yet another neurotic message but after the beep was a new recorded message. “The message bank is now at full capacity, you are unable to leave a message. Please call back later.”

I sighed and put the receiver down when I heard the door click open and a familiar face come catapulting toward me, throwing a mess of skinny arms and legs around me. 

“Uncle Michael! Uncle Michael!!!” She chanted with a great deal of excitement. I was able to momentarily forget all of my personal problems and concentrate on the darling before me. 

“Hi baby!” I greeted her with a smile. I swept her both up in a big cuddle. It was different from the kind of embrace my mother provided me with, yet just as comforting. Mercedes didn’t need to ask any questions or probe me to eat or act a certain way. This girl just adored me and in turn, I adored her.

It was a more than welcome reunion. 

“Where’s Mommy?” I wondered, thinking she was probably just outside the door, probably with a glass against the wall making sure everything was kosher, I thought, a little bit cynically. 

“Mommy said you were feeling a sad so that we should come upstairs while she and Grandma go to the mall.” Mercedes informed me. I couldn’t explain why but a wave of relief filled me up as I realized that a woman who didn’t trust me would have never left me unattended in a room let alone an entire house for an extended period of time. 

“So we get to hang out for the afternoon?” I wondered out loud. 

“Yeahhh! We could play outside!” Mercedes suggested. 

“I don’t think so, not today, I’d prefer to stay inside, it’s a bit too sunny for my skin,” I explained. I didn’t want to go out and risk the chance of a worker or someone seeing me and asking questions or even intrusively staring at me, wondering if living beneath this encasement of skin was an evil heart that preyed upon the innocence of children.

I shuddered at the very thought.

“Okay Uncle,” she accepted the explanation without issue. “Grandma said that you have to eat your food…” she told me as she walked over to the coffee table with her hands behind her back, nosily looking in to the bowl. It made me laugh. 

“Well, I finished it, so there,” I poked my tongue out at her petulantly. She giggled and nodded with approval. 

“What do you want to do?” she asked me, “what are we gonna play today?” 

I smiled at her innocence and was so glad that there was someone in the world that wanted to be my friend and had no idea what was going on. 

“Anything you want,” I shrugged at the adorable little mixed race girl before me. She had skin the colour of weak coffee and a dash of freckles across her cheeks. Her hair was honey-brown bringing curls that were always pulled back neatly and a bouncy character that kept us all on our toes.

“When I come to grandmas, I like to watch videos of you and Daddy when you were little boys,” she informed me, making her way over to the slanted roof where I had plastered original photos of my brothers and I in our early days. She had always been drawn to that part of my room when I had lived there. 

It broke my heart that Randy, almost spitefully, refused to see his daughter or acknowledge her due to the fall out with her mother. She still referred to him as her Daddy and knew who he was, but didn’t quite understand that he had no desire for her.

I gave credit to Lisa for not filling her mind with awful details about him. Instead Lisa created a bit of a story that her father was busy with important things and that he loved her but couldn’t be around. I didn’t know which was more dangerous. I felt as though Lisa hoped Randy would come around in some time and acknowledge the little girl.

I hoped so too.

I made my way beside her and felt her tiny hand slip in to mine. “Uncle Michael can you lift me up so I can see that one?” she pointed to a photo of Randy and I, on the night of his very first performance as part of The Jacksons. He looked so proud. In fact, Mercedes looked so much like him. She had the high cheek-bone structure that our family had been blessed with, and the large, dark eyes that we all shared.

I remembered back almost a year when Randy had denied that Mercedes was his daughter. I shook my head thinking about how awful it had been and how blind he must have been if he truly believed his own words.

I lifted Mercedes up high and allowed her to pour over the photographs. “Uncle Michael,” she began in her curious voice, “is my Daddy a nice man?” 

In that moment I winced because I hated to lie. Randy and I got on just fine, but given the his treatment toward my niece and sister-in-law, I didn’t really feel he constituted being called a nice person. “Yeah Mercs, he’s a nice man.” 

“He looks nice,” she replied almost dreamily, “he looks like you, you’re nice. I bet he’s like you.” 

He is nothing like me.

I didn’t say anything. I placed her back down with the carpet safely back beneath her shoes.

“Uncle Michael, lets go for a walk outside…” she suggested, forgetting my explanation from earlier. 

“Mersy, come on now, I can’t go outside, my skin,” I reminded her. She glanced outside through the beautiful large bay window and gave a shrug.

“There’s no sun anymore, look,” she pointed, “there’s clouds, you won’t get sunburned and you could put a long shirt on.” She pointed to a red button down shirt that I had thrown over a pedestal lamp when I arrived home.

I sighed. I was pretty sure we were alone since Mom had been firm about not allowing anyone to come and see me. I was sure Lisa was an exception. Above all, Lisa and my mother were friends. Lisa helped her with things that she wasn’t able to physically take care of in her older age and things that she wasn’t comfortable getting professional help to take care of. 

“Pleeeeeeaseee….” she begged when she noticed that there was a tiny part that was considering it. I glanced at her, her big eyes were hopeful in her request. 

“Okay, okay…” I relented. I figured the fresh air might do me good, “but not for long, alright? Just for a short while.”

I slipped on the shirt and did a few buttons. I grabbed my niece’s hand and opened up the door and we made our way down the opulent staircase that I had insisted upon back more than ten years ago. We went down the foyer in to the living area and through to the white marble kitchen and through the back entrance.

There was so much greenery at Hayvenhurst. A patch of grass surrounded the back way of the house with a large water feature that seemed to be permanently running. I loved it. I loved the sound of it, I could hear it from my bedroom at night and I could see it from the window.

“Uncle Michael when I get big can I come and see your concert and sing with you?” Mercedes asked as he looked out over the empty property. He liked that it was empty and that there were no staff floating around.

“Absolutely, I’ll take you on tour with me and I’ll show you lots of beautiful places all over the world.” 

“Mommy said we couldn’t come to see you because it was too far and I was too young,” she informed him, letting go of his hand to take a flower from the garden. 

Michael smiled and watched her place it in her hair messily. 

“Yeah, maybe Mommy is right for now… but there will be time for that in the future.” 

I hope.

“Maybe Daddy will be able to visit too!” she said hopefully. I considered that the image of her father was akin to some kind of superhero, out doing good for the world while compromising his loving family for the good of mankind.

I felt sorry that when she grew old enough she’d have to face the awful truth that Randy was just a sorry ass parent.

“Maybe,” I smiled weakly. “How has school been?” I asked, changing the subject.

“Good, I have three friends at school,” she explained. I was glad to hear she was settling in. I had put forward money for her education and Randy had hit the roof about it, but I considered it an investment and I cared for my family deeply even if he didn’t.

“Great, what are their names?” I asked as we took short strides down a pathway that led to the end of the property where we kept livestock.

“One of my friends is called Vanessa and the other one is Caroline,” she explained.

“That’s only two, what’s the name of your other friend?” I asked with a smile, looking down at the 6 year old bouncing alongside of me happily. 

“Oh, its Carla. Uncle Michael, can we pet the cows?” she asked, seeing the cows in the distance.

“Maybe, if they’re not too scared.” I agreed knowing how skittish the cows were sometimes. 

“Michael!” I heard my voice being called. I whirled around to see who it was coming from. I didn’t immediately know the source of the sound. 

“Who’s that?” Mercedes asked spotting the man before I did. It was my lawyer who I had only met the night before. 

“Hold on a moment, Mers,” I said to the little girl. He was walking toward us. I started to feel a little faint. I knew it was serious by the way he was making his paces. 

I reached down and scooped up my niece. I knew something was off. I made my way toward him too. 

We met somewhere just before the grass turned back in to cobblestone about 20 meters from the house. 

“Hi Greg.” 

He grimaced and shook my hand again. He turned to Mercedes and had the good sense not to intimidate her with any urgent chatter regarding the pending case. 

“This is my niece Mercedes,” I introduced him, “Mers, this is Mr. Pattoway.” 

“Hello,” Greg greeted my niece, shaking her hand, “it’s a pleasure to meet you.” 

Mercedes suddenly grew shy. “Michael is there some place we could talk?” 

I didn’t want to talk, quite frankly I felt an anxiety attack coming on, but there was no one else around to stand in for me, to filter the bad news that I knew was impending. There was no other reason as to why this man had turned up unannounced.

“Umm… I guess,” my mouth reluctantly worked for me. I looked to Mercedes, “Sweetheart, Mr. Pattoway and I need to have a chat, do you think we could go see the cows a bit later?” 

She nodded with understanding. She was such a good kid. 

The three of us walked back to the house in silence. I knew something was seriously wrong. I felt like I was walking a very, very, very long plank.

And there was that food, threatening to come back up and expel itself everywhere. My arms and legs felt faint and tingly, I was surprised I managed to carry Mercedes all the way back inside. 

She slipped down when we got in. I showed Greg to the table and asked Mercedes if she could go and play in the living room for a little while. With my heart beating harder and harder in my chest, I made my way back to the dining area. 

“Can I get you something?” I asked, “Tea or coffee?” Who was I kidding? I couldn’t have made someone coffee if my life depended on it. 

“No Michael, please take a seat. I want to be as quick as I can…”

“Okay. I slunk in to the chair across from him. My body felt a bit limp, “can it wait til my mother and Joseph arrive?” 

“No, Michael, I’m afraid not.” 

I looked at the balding man in front of me with perfectly kept moustache above his lip. He looked serious, but still compassionate. 

“Okay.” I agreed in a whisper. “What’s going on?” 

“I heard you made more than 27 calls to Diane Hargrove between Friday and today.” 

My heart jumped in to my throat. “Is she okay?” I asked, immediately concerned that something had happened which would explain why she hadn’t answered my calls. It didn’t occur to me it would be strange that my lawyer would be aware of my friend’s existence.

“Yes Michael, she’s fine, but you need to stop contacting her. It looks bad.” 

“What, why?” I asked, raising an eyebrow. He stared at me for a moment as if trying to tell me something, or to work out if I was just plain crazy.

There was silence from my end until suddenly I understood.

“No…” I murmured. 

“Michae-“ Greg began to explain when he realized I obviously had had no faintest idea. 

“She wouldn’t do this to me…” I shook my head in disbelief. I felt my eyes fill with tears and spill over though this time I didn’t even care. The hurt, the betrayal, the stupidity of it all, it was all too consuming, all too painful to deal with.

I could have keeled over with shock. “I love Casey, I would never…”

“Michael, did your parents not tell you the details of what was going on?” he wanted to know pointedly.

I shook my head. “I don’t want to know, I can’t deal with this…” I got up and wiped my eyes. “Diane was my friend, I loved her, she wouldn’t do this, I have to talk to her.” 

“You are not allowed to talk to her Michael.” He paused for a moment before he started again, “This might be hard to hear, but Diane is alleging you molested Casey on more than four occasions when she was left in your care.”

I felt winded. I couldn’t deal with it anymore. I got up, making an emergency beeline for the trash. I began to bring up everything that was inside of me. The little bit of food I’d managed to keep down over the past few days, but mostly it was bile. And probably all of my emotions that I’d been trying my hardest to keep bottled up.

My niece came running to see what the commotion was. I wasn’t sure what Greg was doing, but I heard him tell Mercedes to stand back. I felt a cold cloth being placed over the back of my neck. I choked back my sobs as I finished off in the trash, pulling the cloth and pressing it over my face. 

Greg slowly led me back to the table and sat me down. He brought me a glass of water. I rested my head on my arms and said nothing. My misery barely allowed me the will to move any longer.

Loving people ‘til it hurt – I finally knew the meaning of it.

I felt Mercedes arms around me. I barely had the energy to reciprocate.

Once I had calmed down a little bit, Greg began again. “I’m sorry to bring you this news, I was certain your Mother was going to tell you.” 

I thought back to the conversation earlier when it seemed she had been frustrated with me for being concerned about Diane. It all made sense now.

“I didn’t want to know. I didn’t let her tell me anything.” 

“More information is better than no information in this case, Michael,” Greg told me frankly. “And I really believe you need to take your blinkers off. I know you’re scared, I know these allegations are crazy, but I want you to be prepared.” 

I wiped my eyes again as fresh tears began to fall. Mercedes knew something was wrong. She didn’t say a lot but she was clingy. I allowed her to climb in to my lap and cuddle me close.

Then he dropped the bombshell that I truly wasn’t prepared for.

“They’re going to issue a warrant for your arrest at about 7pm tonight.”

I may as well have been dead and buried.