Oh Gosh.... Your banner is HOTTTT! I liked how you made it. :))) I'm enjoying the story so far as well. :D Anyways, like what Hejcslm said, you do need to work on spacing out your sentences. That will make your story even more better. :) But your story is still great! Keep up the good work! <3

Your banner is awesome! :-))) You did a great job on making that, excellent job.

Your story is okay, it'll be much better if you work on spacing out your sentences(mega paragraphs aren't too good.). And change it up, instead of using "I said. He said. She said. They said", use some different vocab, it makes the story more interesting. So profread, read it aloud to yourself and think how it sounds, then switch it up.  Proofreading it also gets rid of any chances of spelling errors, capitialization, and so on. If you work on those, you'll have a great story on your hands.