Reviewer: mjlover_378 Anonymous [Report This]
Date: Nov 06, 2014 12:54 pm Title: Chapter 1

I'm back! I love it so far. I hope you continue! <3

Author's Response:

welcome back! and thank you. :) you bet I will continue..will go for an update next month.

Reviewer: loyalpyt Signed [Report This]
Date: Nov 02, 2014 06:17 am Title: Chapter 1

awesome Christy keep writing it! And this is about pinterest: if you have a Michael board and you see a pinner named al leon put something rude about Michael, defend our angel and block and report Al Leon!

Author's Response:

thank you..don't worry there is plenty more where that came from..and all righty I'll keep that in mind..

Reviewer: Isaboricua Signed [Report This]
Date: Oct 30, 2014 11:12 am Title: Chapter 1

Awwww! I love the story. I always had a feeling that maestro was attracted to Irina. Again, I hope Eric gets what is coming to him. :) 

Author's Response:

Thank you darlin'...haha yes he is..and not just because he think she's beautiful either..and don't worry Eric will be sorry he crossed Irina. stay tuned.

Reviewer: Miri Fern Signed [Report This]
Date: Oct 29, 2014 08:16 pm Title: Chapter 1

The formatting in this one is pretty weird. You don't have to bold the dialogue. All that does is take me out of the story. Plus, the *dream begins/ends* thing bothered me. There are smoother ways of transitioning from a dream to reality, without literally announcing it. You could say, "When she awoke, she was left feeling ____." or "She was jarred awake by _____." or even just "Then, she woke up." It all depends on what you're trying to evoke. The second example I gave would help with the flow, because it leads directly into another action and picks up the pace. The third one could be used satirically, since instead of being very flowery with how you describe the simple action of waking up, you just say it plainly.

And the other thing... the wording of much of this, yikes. I'm assuming this takes place in the present, and people do not talk like this normally. Even if Irina is some sort of immortal witch with eternal youth and beauty, there are ways to make her speech sound less awkward and stilted. The way it is now, Irina's lofty Shakespeare speech sounds pretty ridiculous. I know what you're trying to go for, though, so let me give you an example.

Take this passage, for instance: "I wonder if all those recurring dreams are trying to tell me I am destined to be with Maestro.'  A possibility like that was rather hard to process, but not because she was concerned about whether she would be a good match for him or not. Technically she would, since she was actually half witch. There was just one problem. For the longest time, she had been slightly afraid of him because it was rumored his magic powers were immense enough to put her sorcery to shame, although a part of her always wanted to get to know him and be his friend.  But now she was ready to cross paths with him. ‘If there is any truth to what I was told in the dream, my encounter will hopefully be a positive one I will find memorable.'"

Try something closer to this:

"A thought crossed her mind: Perhaps the dreams are telling me that I am destined to be with Maestro. This troubled her a great deal, but not because she was concerned whether or not they would be a good match. Maybe she was, given her nature. But for the longest time, she had been afraid of him. His magic powers were immense enough to put her sorcery to shame, or so it was rumored. Nonetheless, a part of her always wanted to meet him, to see what he was really like.  Now she felt she was ready to cross paths with him, whether the rumors were true or not. And if her dreams were correct, the meeting would be one she would never forget."

Don't be afraid of going the simple route. The intelligence and wit of your characters does not depend on whether they use big words or not.

And let the readers discover things slowly. You could have a build up to letting them know Irina is a witch, dropping hints and such. (Such as noting that she avoids having water splashed on her, but not actually stating that she will melt if it touches her. I know you're probably not going to use that trope, but it's an example, and it would be an interesting concept to play with if you did use it here. :P) The main thing is, take your time, do some editing (or have someone edit for you), polish but don't varnish, and don't fear being different. You've got a pretty unique story here, (well, as unique as a story about a hot immortal witch can be) and it could be great, if you get really creative and tweak the purple prose into... magenta prose? Mauve prose? Meh.

Reviewer: MJfreak23 Signed [Report This]
Date: Oct 29, 2014 06:17 am Title: Chapter 1

Well well well, miss Christy, I must say that I found this very enjoyable! I can't wait to see where this goes! <3

Author's Response:

Why thank you my good friend..your review made me smile..I'm glad you're enjoying so far..hope I will be able to pull the rest of it off..still trying to figure out how I want it to go. And don't worry I will get back to Betrayed Trust real soon. Love ya girlie..<3

Reviewer: Crazyme62 Anonymous [Report This]
Date: Oct 28, 2014 06:29 pm Title: Chapter 1

Like your story. It's interesting.

Author's Response:

thank you love..bear with me as I figure out what happens next. :)