I writhed under my sheets, tossing and turning and getting frustrated with my inability to sleep.

I kept having bad dreams about Casey. Every time I woke myself up, I would fall back in to the same lucid dream that I couldn’t escape from. I hoped there was nothing to it. I just wanted her to be okay and I hated that I had no control over protecting her from everything that was happening.

I got myself up out of bed, realising the only way to shake the nightmare was to make sure I was awake. I got up, got myself a drink and made my way downstairs to what was her old room.

I went back to Neverland for the night to get some things so as I could move in to a hotel close to Malania’s treatment centre for the duration of her stay.

Everytime I opened the door to this bedroom, I felt immediately transported back to a bittersweet time in my life that really, wasn’t all that long ago.

If I was honest with myself, I knew deep down something was going to give between Diane and I based upon our shared loss and her pressure to design a baby for her existing daughter. I knew once I said no to her, our relationship could never be the same.

Though, never in my life could I imagine her claiming that I had molested her daughter. I wished I could cut through the bullshit and call her and plead my innocence and explain that all I ever wanted was a future with them both; it was to have my own family.

I shook my head as if shaking off a fog that was clouding my mind and impeding my ability to think straight.

I wished I had someone to talk to. Instead I sat down on Casey’s bed and picked up one of her favourite dolls. It was one that I’d bought her from Vietnam earlier in the year. I used to listen to her talking to the doll, putting it to bed, chastising it for not doing what it was told and babying it before bed.

Everything in this room remained untouched as if I was ready for Casey to come back at any time. And actually, I would have welcomed that idea.

Diane though? Not so much.

I felt sorry for her but the love was gone, if it was even there in the first place.

Ever since I could remember I wanted to be a Dad and a husband. I wanted a stepford wife set up, I wanted a woman to come home to, who loved to hang out with her friends and keep our home. Perhaps that seemed chauvinistic, but as long as whomever I married was happy to do that, I wanted to support her stay-at-home mother lifestyle.

I was so in love with the idea of being a family man and maybe that clouded my judgment. Maybe it wasn’t fair to get involved with a woman who’s mind was always going to be somewhere else. Perhaps it was my own fault that I had been so badly burned.

I felt the tears welling in my eyes when I thought of Casey growing up without me.

I blinked them away. Maybe it was fate that it happened this way. Maybe I wasn’t supposed to be in their lives forever.

I hated to think that this was how my life was supposed to go, that I’d forever have a stigma of paedophile attached to me just so as I could meet the love of my life; Malania.

And who knew? Maybe she wasn’t the one either. The more time wore on, the less I believed in that soul mate.

I was glad for Malania, she felt right when I was around her, but I wasn’t really able to trust my judgment anymore.

I hoped that in the morning I’d wake up feeling a lot clearer on my emotions, but with the anxiety building in my chest of a pending court case that could have potentially landed me with a long jail sentence, I just wasn’t entirely sure of anything.

The idea of having to spend my days in a state prison made my stomach churn. Every, tiny insecurity I had ever possessed would have been placed under a microscope… all of it, everything… it couldn’t happen, it really couldn’t.

I found myself tucked up in a tiny ball on this child’s bed as though I was a child myself. I jack-knifed myself together, feeling an anxiety attack coming on. I remembered the breathing exercises a shrink gave me a long time back when I was dealing with things.

“Don’t let this happen to me, God… please allow them to give me some kind of reprieve. Help them find the person that did this to Casey… please allow the world to know I’m a follower of you, I’m not going to harm anyone….”

How could I have ever got myself in to such a situation?

Was loving someone and someone’s child so unconditionally a punishable offence?

I could barely even think. My brain began to hurt. I shut my eyes tightly and prayed for it all to have been just a dream when I awoke.

I remembered the times when Casey would go for check-ups, the ones that would take place on a dreaded Friday – we’d spend all weekend sitting on the edges of our seats, biting our nails, crying in to the shower head trying to protect each other from our fears.

That unrelenting, awful, torturous waiting time that was like enduring an earthly kind of limbo where nothing was clear.

That’s how I felt in that moment, except that instead of lasting til the next business day, it was ongoing. I didn’t know when the feeling would end – it was almost two months in and I was still hiding from the world. I didn’t know what to think or to feel about what was happening to me.

I drew in a deep breath and wiped some stray tears that had fallen down my cheeks.

The only thing that was for sure in my life was Malania.

I was reminded of the fact that I wasn’t really alone while she was in my life. While physically that may have been the case, I knew I could talk to her, I knew I could tell her how I was feeling, but I was very aware of being an emotional leech.

Ugh, that expression.

“I can’t deal with you Michael, you’re nothing but an emotional leech!” she screamed at me.

I sat on the edge of our bed forlornly and looking at my hands as if guiltily. For someone so hell-bent on making me share, she certainly didn’t care for it when I had emptied out my heart and felt comfortable enough to share my loneliness and experiences with her.

Suddenly I was a wimp, suddenly she couldn’t deal with me anymore.

That was probably the beginning of what felt like the end for me. Being dumped by Taryn for being a cry-baby and not enough of a macho man.

I almost laughed out loud bitterly at the thought.

Me? I thought, Macho! Not now, not ever. I actually did chuckle.

Taryn Wentworth was once a rising actress; now she was a movie star. I didn’t know if that had much to do with my success helping to catapult her after we broke up, but it probably didn’t hurt things. We both stayed amicably quiet about our publicised split, but unfortunately our family members didn’t.

Jermaine told US Weekly that Taryn was a cheater. In retaliation, Taryn’s sister, Karen, decided to tell everyone that my sexuality was in question. I knew it wasn’t from Taryn. Despite everything, she wasn’t ever looking to hurt me, she just couldn’t be with me anymore.

Because I was a crybaby.

Because I couldn’t handle my emotions at times.

And because too many shit things had happened in my time that I wasn’t able to control or deal with appropriately.

It did alarm me that I could possibly be that annoying, emotional exhaustion that encumbered her, but I tried to reel it in as best as I could. I didn’t want to be a hindrance to her.

Taryn was a long time ago though, I’d matured a lot in seven years, I’d certainly become more of a man; perhaps not macho, but I was content with my own masculinity- that was never really an insecurity for me even though I knew it probably should have been.

Taryn’s accusations had made me extend myself in the opposite direction – probably overcompensating by wanting to hear everyone else’s dramas and problems which opened me up to new issues.

It was very hard at times to be weighed down by other people’s turmoils, but I didn’t mind. Fans were sometimes the worst for it, in very short amounts of time they got to spend with me, I sometimes heard life stories of tragedies and things that – shocked and horrified me.

One girl had brazenly told me she had been ‘prostituted as a kid’ by her own parents but assured me she was ‘totally okay now’, and that I had inspired her. It was nice to hear that I could help someone, but some things were too heavy to place on to another stranger’s shoulders and I resented it in the moment.

I shook the littering of thoughts in my brain, trying to discard them.

I got up off the bed and went to the closet where Casey had so many bits of clothing; lots of dresses and dress up things that we loved to buy her. I started taking them all off the hangers and folding them up and placing them on the bed.

This room had to go, Casey wasn’t coming back and that sucked for both she and I, but as much as it hurt me to say goodbye to that chapter of my life, it hurt more to sit in her room and think about all the love that I had for her and how she’d never know it.

Well, maybe she would one day…

**

The front door was always open to me, I knew that, but I felt like I’d walked in to a heated debate. The room was so tense that I could have started axing through it.

Malania’s Dad tried to pretend everything was fine. He welcomed me in to the kitchen where I found Malania’s sister, Anica and an unfamiliar face who looked incredibly star struck. I felt myself tense as well.

“You know Anica,” he nodded toward a gloomy-faced daughter who looked nothing like Malania. “This is my eldest son, Kaito.”

Kaito looked as though he’d just stepped out of a Korean pop video clip. I almost laughed at the thought.

“Hi Kaito, nice to meet you…” I extended my hand and the buff, Japanese guy before me stood to meet my hand.

He nodded dumbly, “you too…”

“Hi Anica,” I waved. Helena was no where to be found, I thought perhaps she may have been visiting Malania.

“Hello Michael,” she said icily. I couldn’t tell if she wasn’t a huge fan of me being in their lives or if I’d just walked in to something.

“Did I come at a bad time?” I wondered as my eyes fell over something laying before them. It was a red notice from the treatment facility.

I nearly choked when I shamelessly saw the balance owing. $322,860.00 to be paid immediately to avoid compromising Malania’s place at the facility.

“No, it was fine, I was just leaving,” Anica replied, getting up.

Kaito, who had been staring at me, stunned still, turned to his sister, “Anica, stop being a brat, its only fair…”

“Fair?” she threw her head back and laughed, “Fair is growing up where your family looks after you all properly as children so as we don’t grow up to be non-functioning adults and end up in ‘wellness’ centres.” She did air quotes over her head as if she didn’t believe in it, however, I was pretty sure Malania told me that she was the one who had researched and recommended it.

I took a step back and watched George flush a pale pink with embarrassment at being spoken to like that in front of a guest.

“Anica-chan,”

“Don’t,” she said firmly to her father, “don’t. I’m leaving, my family is not going to end up in the hole because of this… not a fucking dime, Dad, not a fucking dime.”

Without giving anyone a moment to respond, she marched out of the house, through the pathway that I’d just arrived and out the door, shutting it with a slam.

“Papa, how’d you manage to create two such dud children?” he joked darkly.

“Uh…” I stammered, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to intrude…” I glanced down at the red notice again, “Can I ask, is that the bill?”

George sank down in to his chair and nodded, defeated. He looked stressed out and concerned. I remembered that Malania had informed me that Samuel had used up her parent’s retirement money to pay off gambling debts and other things so that her Dad had no choice but to go back to work in his 60s.

“I’m going to help,” I said firmly, “I love Malania and I want to help.”

I almost balked saying it out loud. I wasn’t prepared to speak the words, I didn’t want them to know all of my feelings and part of me knew it was too soon, but regardless of if I loved her as my girlfriend, I very really loved her as my friend first and foremost.

“Michael we won’t ask you to do that,” George responded. I didn’t want to hurt his pride, but I didn’t want her parents to have to suffer financial burden if I didn’t have to either.

“You’re not asking me, I offered. In fact, I insist.” I added.

“Michael, my sister wouldn’t like that. We will pull the money together somehow.” Kaito replied. He spoke slowly and concisely as if he was still in thought, “Papa, we don’t need Anica’s help,” he said as if to comfort his father. “We can just use the money from my flat sale in London,” he told him. I felt like I wasn’t supposed to be watching a son comforting his father—a very different dynamic from what would take place in my family.

“And where will you live?” George asked him as if it were a stupid idea.

Kaito grinned, “Right here back at home like the good, old days!” even though he was grinning good-naturedly and had given his father a mocking slap on the back, I could tell it was the solution he least wanted to commit to.

“No,” I said again, “Malania doesn’t have to know, it isn’t going to hurt me financially,” I told them. “I just want to help. I want Malania to stay in that treatment centre because its proving to be very good for her,” I explained. “She likes it there…”

“Michael, I will forever owe you… I don’t know that I can live my life that way.”

“Nope.” I shook my head, “No one will owe me. I won’t hate it, I won’t resent it, I won’t even feel the air shift in my bank account. I don’t want to show-off and I don’t want to make anyone feel bad, but if I can afford it and I want to, and if I want to take care of Malania, then please just let me.”

“But isn’t having your son live with you the American Dream, Dad?” Kaito still harassed his father.

George managed to throw his son a smile. He reached over and cupped the back of Kaito’s neck. “Having my son in my life again is the American Dream…”

I smiled.

“Take a seat, Michael, please…” George told me, “I can afford to pay at least half of this bill, but I’ve asked for the help of my children…”

“And my dunce sister refuses to help,” Kaito supplied but immediately he was reprimanded by his sister. “I can contribute to it as well.”

“Is this the cost for the entire stay?” I asked. Both of them nodded.

“Okay, lets just get it paid and we can worry about it later,” I told them. “Can I take this with me?”

“Michael, I am unsure about it.”

I shrugged. “I’m unsure I want Malania to leave the treatment center when she is finally doing good. If she had to leave because no one could afford it, then I’d probably just sponsor her return, so either way she’s staying there…”

George laughed at my bluntness. “You really love my daughter?”

“She’s my best friend in the entire world who dropped everything for me and now I can return such a favour.”

I was very careful not to let on too much. I did love Malania, I knew I was growing to love her romantically, but I also knew that running head first in to things with my eyes closed was a very irresponsible thing to do.

“Let me work out my finances and I will see what help I need.”

“No,” I shook my head, “please, take it if you will as a random act of kindness, I will pay it, and we will never speak about it again.”

I could see the distress and internal struggle that he had with the idea.

“Okay…” he relented.

“Hey,” Kaito smiled, “I’m starting to think you don’t want me to stay forever!”

George looked at his son with a smile. “You can stay as long as you like my son, but I don’t want to become a financial burden to you too.”

I just settled it, I folded up the letter and put it in to the pocket of my black hooded sweater. “So Malania told me you moved back from London,” I probed her brother. I didn’t want her to get hurt and disappointed by her brother, and it seemed almost as if he were making a lot of promises for someone who had spent so long being absent.

“Yes, I got home four days ago, finally over the jet lag. I decided it was time to come home…” He explained.

“Great, where abouts in London did you live? I’m a big fan of London,” I told him. George got up and offered me a coffee or a tea which I accepted.

“In Kensington, I bought a flat out there and based myself there,” he replied, “I’ve been there for six years.”

“Wow, great… what made you want to come back home?” I wondered, pushing the questions a little bit, trying to figure out what he wanted from the situation.

“My sister,” he answered bluntly. “I need to be here for my family,” he added. “In fact, I am about to see her very soon.”

“Me too, do you want a ride?” I asked him. I actually wanted the chance to grill him a little bit. I knew it meant that my time with Malania would be impeded by a second person, but she was pretty happy with any company at the moment.

She had informed me the night earlier that she had spoken to her psychologist about who was guilty of abusing her and that she had revealed me to her. Surprising to both of us was the fact that the psychologist didn’t even bat an eyelid; she had probably been given the heads-up by the admissions and senior nursing staff.

“Really? Nah, I can go later, I don’t want to be the third wheel in my little sisters life.”

“Don’t be silly,” I insisted, “Malania will be happy to see you.”

“Okay, cool, thanks…” he smiled.

**

Kaito sat in the backseat next to me as we road the SVU all the way to the treatment centre. We chatted a little uncomfortably with in our unfamiliarity.

“So, Michael, what’s going on between you and my sister?” he asked me quite bluntly. I felt my stomach knot up. The way I conducted myself with Malania’s family was quite different to the way I was around other people. I had made the conscious decision to be outgoing and straight-forward. Usually people intimidated me so I went in to my shell, but I had feelings for this girl that seemed to give me the bravery I needed to not play games or to not be swayed by my own nerves.

Still, it was a little jarring to be asked a question so blatant. Neither Helena or George had wanted to know exactly what was going on.

“Um…” I felt a little ambushed but then reeled my sensitivity back in and realised that it was a perfectly reasonable question from an older brother. I reminded myself of how protective I had been at a time for my youngest sister. “I guess, Malania and I are in a ‘getting-to-know-you’ phase…”

“Okay, you know that she’s been hurt roughly right?” he asked, being quite candid with me.

I rose an eyebrow. “What do you mean by that?”

“I mean,” he began, “there’s a reason why she’s in this treatment centre, you realise that something awful happened in our family – hence why the dynamic that you witnessed earlier is a bit out of whack…”

I almost laughed. This guy, if he knew what I knew. If he knew that Malania had told me a lot of it already, he had been knocked over by a feather in shock. “Yes, I know…” I replied, “Malania told me about Samuel and what he did to her and the kinds of things he’s done to your family.”

Kaito did seem incredibly shocked. I could see it on his face, but he never let it show in his voice. “Well, my other sister sprung it on me in the middle of a heated argument – so that’s why I came home,” he admitted, “I love my parents, Mike,” he began, and if it weren’t a serious conversation I would have laughed at his comfort in nick-naming me already, “but they can’t support my sister the way she needs to be supported.”

Reluctantly, I listened. I was a bit annoyed. I had known Malania for years and for months we had been close friends. I understood that her parents were not amazing at emotional support, though it wasn’t for lack of trying. I felt irate that her brother felt as though he could step in and would have all the answers and ideas on what was best for her.

“Well, in fairness, Kaito, I don’t know your parents well enough to agree or disagree with that.”

Wasn’t he disappeared for almost a decade? I wondered. How would he even know his sister?

“I need to make up for lost time,” he said as if he’d heard my questions. “I checked out of my family when Malania tried to harm herself when she was 16. I thought it was guilt over what Samuel had done to her boyfriend—I didn’t really know how to deal, so I bailed. But that was wrong, I should have helped, I should have moved back home and kept Samuel away from her…”

I suddenly understood. He felt guilty for not protecting her. I felt a little satisfaction in that. I was glad someone took some of the ownership of her pain. I was glad someone realised that they should have been looking out for her.

“I’m looking for a property to buy for Malania and I to live in. I haven’t told my parents yet, but I am going to help her get on her own two feet, financially and emotionally and I’m going to make up for the time I lost on getting to know my sister and to be a big brother.”

I looked to the good-looking buff Asian guy that sat beside me, probably about the same age as me if not a year or so older, he was totally pouring his heart out. I gathered he hadn’t had a lot of time to speak to many people since getting home except his family.

“Will they be irritated by that?” I wondered. Part of me hoped to have Malania stay with me at Hidden Hills but I figured that if taking things slow was what she wanted, then it probably wasn’t a wise idea for us to stay together under the same roof.

“Yes, my mother especially… I think my father understands – but Mike, I’ve spent two afternoons with my sister and I can already tell she thinks the sun shines out of your ass.”

I laughed at his boldness with me. He seemed cool, I felt myself slowly relaxing around him. “I kinda think the same of your sister…” I replied, “she’s the loveliest thing…” I tried not to get too gushy but a silly, embarrassed little smile littered my stupid face.

“Michael, can I ask your help with something?” he wondered. I felt a bit nervous wondering if he was about to hit me up for money. Perhaps that was unfair, but it wasn’t anything unusual.

“Depends,” I said diplomatically, “if I can help, I will help…”

“I came back from London with a lot of money,” he admitted, “I am a little private about financial matters, given what happened with my brother and how he left my parents in a bit of trouble financially for awhile…”

“Okay,” I nodded, waiting to hear the rest.

“My flat in London was a prime location when I moved there. The airline used to pay my rent for me and then when the apartment went up for sale, I bought it because I was able to save so much on rent. Then, I got a giant promotion and a new job and my pay was probably too generous. When I sold the flat, I made quadruple what I paid – with that money, I can afford a pretty decent sized house out here… I need to find a realtor and I need to know the kinds of things I can do to make Malania feel more at home and safe.”

“Is living with you something that she’ll want to do?” I asked him.

He shrugged. “I know she doesn’t want to go home. I told her I’d look after her when she leaves. I told her she can stay with me and that she can live her own life without having to answer to me, but I’ll help her where she needs it.”

I had to agree, that was probably exactly what she needed.

“I also took in to account she’ll want to be closer to you and that’s okay with me, but I need to find a good, safe environment for her. I haven’t lived here for years, Michael, I don’t know where to even start…”

“I can help with that. What kind of money are you looking to spend?”

“I can probably have the capacity to borrow around a mill from the bank without any issues on the repayments, a mill and a half maybe…” his voice trailed off with a shrug, “but I also have to furnish a place.”

“Are you taking another job?” I wondered.

“Yeah, I’ll be taking a new position in Corporate Aviation at the San Bernadino and Santa Barbara Airports. There’s potential there for me to get promoted to a senior aviation specialist, so I need to take it on.”

“Wow…” I was pretty excited. Santa Barbara was close to my new property, Neverland. “Well, I live in Los Olivos at the moment, so Santa Barbara is nice and close by, that would be cool – I can definitely help with a realtor, but you realise both Santa Barbara and San Bernadino are pretty far from Fountain Valley.”

He nodded, “Yeah, but first port of call is getting Malania a new car.”

“Taken care of,” I replied without flinching. “She still has my Mercedes at your parents place. She’s been driving that around since we started hanging out, her Honda is at my place.”

“That shit Honda…” Kaito laughed dismissively, “you know that piece of shit belonged to me right before I moved, then it belonged to Anica and then I guess my parents bought it for Malania cos goodness knows Anica wouldn’t just give something away for nothing.”

I sensed some obvious tension between him and Anica but I said nothing. I smiled. “Well, as far as I’m concerned Malania can have the Benz on permanent loan, so don’t worry about that…”

“Great… well, if you can help me out with that, that would be great, Mike, thanks…”

I smiled, “No problem.”

“And one other thing,” he said, “We need to split the cost of Malania’s hospital bill. I didn’t want my parents to know just how much money I had, but I know they need help, I was trying to be very careful by saying I could pay it and then live at home… I would have prolonged my stay, but…” he sighed, “I know it sounds dumb, but my financials have to stay private.”

“Understood.” I nodded, “If you want to split the bill, that’s fine, but I can handle it.”

“I’ll split the bill with you,” he said nonchalantly. “Thanks Michael. You really are a cool guy.”

I hated it when people said things like that, its as though they expected I’d be either a total loser or a complete idiot.

I said nothing and smiled. I picked up some things in a small plastic bag on the spare seat between Kaito and I. It contained some things for Malania including a couple of poems or potential songs that I had written that I wanted her opinion on.

“I’m nervous about seeing her today…” I admitted to Kaito, almost under my breath.

“Why’s that?” he asked, “she will be really happy to see you, she always is…”

I shrugged, “I dunno…”

I did know. But I didn’t really feel much like addressing it. Malania was having a therapy session in the morning and she told me that they were going to be exploring her relationship with me, that the shrink was interested to know what we meant to one another.

I was worried for my privacy, but I decided that if I had a future with this girl, I needed to trust that everyone was going to be professional and I needed to trust that Malania would know how to guard my privacy as best as she could.

I let out a sigh, realising I’d been holding my breath thinking about it.

I hoped she wouldn’t tell about my own self-harm or my own history with suicidal thoughts. I at least trusted her to exercise her control there. I knew she would, no one could ever know that secret.