“Sweetheart…” I whispered in to her ear. She shrugged my touch from her shoulder and rolled over and pulled the blankets closer beneath her chin. She always looked so peaceful when sleeping. It made me smile.

I brushed my lips lightly her smooth cheek. “Baby… Wake up…” I insisted. She sighed and opened her pretty eyes. My face hovered over hers. I knew she hated how I could be so jovial so early in the morning, but it was more to do with the fact that I had just got in from the studio. I’m sure she wanted to hurt me for waking her.

“What’s the time…” She murmured softly. I pressed my lips against hers.

“Time for you to get up because I want to show you something.” I patted her backside over the covers. She gave me a filthy look. “Okay, okay it’s 5:30am.”

“Can’t you show me later.” She grumbled, attempting to pull the covers over her head. “Did you just get home from work now?” She added, almost disapprovingly.

I ignored her. “Come on, you can sleep later…” I insisted. It was a warm morning. I loved summer, and I was determined to make an effort to do something a little bit different. I was sure she would appreciate it.

She groggily sat up and got her bearings. She looked tired. I felt bad when I realized she had probably waited up pretty late for me to get home. I kissed her lips again, taking a seat on the bed beside her. “I’m sorry for getting in so late…or early. I promise I’ll make it up to you today.”

She summoned up a smile as she pushed her messy hair behind her ears. “What do I need to wear for this thing that you’re going to show me…” I noticed her eyes traveled to my pants.

I laughed at her dirty mind. “Well it’s not that, so you can leave your birthday suit hanging up.” I joked. “Just put something casual on. We’re not going far or for long. I’ll meet you downstairs in a few minutes, k?”

She agreed with a half-yawn and half laugh.

I folded the blanket downstairs and threw it over my arm along with the small flask that I carried.

A couple minutes later she appeared in a pair of jeans and a t shirt. “Here…” I smiled, passing her my black hoodie. “Put this on honey, I don’t want you to catch a cold out there.”

She pulled on the jacket and smiled at me. “You know I’m not a morning person…so I’m sorry if I was grumpy with you upstairs.”

I laughed at her regret and grabbed her hand. “I’ll forgive you. Come on… we can’t be late.”

“Where could you possibly be taking me?” She asked curiously as we let ourselves out of the apartment complex. “We’re not getting the car?” She wondered when I had ignored all of her previous questions.

“No.” I answered simply. I guided her arm around my waist and comfortably draped my own arm around her shoulders as we walked toward the beach.

“Oh I know what we’re doing…” She said as if it had suddenly dawned on her.

“What?” I challenged her, enjoying the cool breeze as we walked down the hill.

“We’re going to the beach to watch the sun come up.” She replied pleased with herself.

I gave a chuckle. “You think you’re so smart, don’t you?” I asked, jabbing her playfully in the side.

“I am smart. And you love me…” Jade shot back. I squeezed her gently and kissed her temple. “Sure do.”

**

I found us a spot on the sand and allowed Jade to sit down first. “The sun comes up at 6:06am.” I informed her, “if that weather forecaster was telling us the truth, that is.”

“What if someone sees you when we’re coming back?” Jade wanted to know, looking up at me, finding a spot to sit. I sat behind her, straddling her. I pulled the blanket around us and wrapped my arms around her cosily.

I shrugged. “I’ll wear the blanket around my head like a birka or something.” I joked.

She gave a soft laugh and a huge yawn came along with it. The beach was completely deserted except for a few early morning surfers who were getting ready to start catching waves for the day. They were so far away from us though, that they didn’t matter.

“Have you ever seen the sun come up?” I asked after a brief silence between us. I felt her completely relaxing within my embrace. She leaned her head back on my chest and thought for a few moments, “No, I don’t think so… not like this…”

“It’s beautiful… It’s just those moments that make you appreciate life… I know that probably sounds a bit silly—“ I heard myself trailing off. I was conscious that I was always defending myself for saying corny things, though Jade never thought any less of me for them.

“Sometimes I guess we take beautiful things for granted. We don’t ever stop really to take stock of how lucky we are, do we?” She added thoughtfully. Gosh, wasn’t that the truth.

“That’s why I brought you here…” I blurted out honestly. “I don’t want us to ever take each other for granted… I don’t want us to not be able to remember the last time we watched the sunrise or felt the wind blow against us, or watch the ocean or something –“ I paused, “Or enjoy the peacefulness of each other’s company without life getting in the way…”

She regarded me with a beautiful smile that I could see in the tiny crack of daylight that was bursting so hard upon the horizon, desiring to just break free of the dark. “Do you ever get tired of hearing me tell you that I love you?” She wondered softly. Sometimes her voice sounded so vulnerable and so sweet that proved to me her blunt and abrupt approach was nothing short of a damn fraud on her behalf.

The sweet and vulnerable soul that she wore on her sleeve when only with me was the person that I was marrying, the adorable, loving and thoughtful Jade. “No. Never.”

“Good cause I love you so much.” She answered. I smiled faintly as she turned her head to kiss my lips.

Her mouth against mine was sheer delight in the cool breeze. It brought me so much more warmth and raised my body temperature by more than a few degrees to feel her warm tongue pressed against mine. I felt my hands at her waist searching for something to hold on to, to occupy them from moving elsewhere.

She covered my hands with her own and laced my fingers through hers as she closed her mouth, ending the kiss. I couldn’t help it, I drew in for a series of shorter lip-to-lip kisses. It always surprised me how much a small show of physical affection could make my heart race.

I rested my chin on her shoulder as we sat in a comfortable silence, both watching the waves crashing upon the shore as we waited for the sun to smile upon us.

Our wedding was looming closer and I’d been doing some thinking and had been trying to come up with an idea of something that I could do to surprise her and make our day even more joyous.

I thought of serenading her, but then I realized that something like that would probably make me ridiculously nervous and not to mention, cheesy. Singing in front of a stadium was one thing, but singing in front of no more than 200 people would be horrible. I figured that I could think up my own special vow to her… but to me it just wasn’t all that unique and special. I really only had a few days to put something together, but the stroke of genius was far from my head.

“What are you thinking of?” She wanted to know. Her soft voice sounded loud amoungst the silence that enshrouded us. I kissed her earlobe and gave her hands a squeeze.

“Marrying you…” I replied honestly, “How wonderful that day is going to be and what that chapter of our lives together is gonna be like…”

I felt her breathe deeply and wistfully. I knew the idea of married life really excited her, the idea of the big day was starting to overwhelm her a little, but what came after that were things that we were looking forward to. I knew she was probably feeling like she was about to burst with happiness inside, because I felt the same way a lot of the time.

“I’m really glad about having the wedding at Hayvenhurst… At least it’ll be private.” She remarked, “Your Mom is awesome for suggesting it.”

Although Hayvenhurst, my home up until 2 years earlier was a beautiful place, and the perfectly kept garden was the perfect place to hold our wedding, I knew that it would also mean that I would have to send obligatory invites to particular family members that I was hoping I could conveniently forget about.

Maureen and my Mom were both very excited about the wedding as well. Jade and I had given them the task of organizing the flowers and the venue, that being Hayvenhurst, the decorations and anything else that needed to be done there… They had been keeping in contact by phone and it seemed that my Mom was really happy to have a new friend.

“Yeah, it’ll be beautiful…” I replied.

“Look at that…” Jade pointed, interrupting my thoughts. The sun was slowly coming up. “Gosh, it’s so beautiful…” She murmured. “Michael…” Her voice trailed off for a moment, “sing something…”

I gave a laugh at her strange request, “No…” I responded immediately. “I don’t know if you’ve heard but I have a really bad voice…” I joked.

“You’ve only ever sang twice in front of me.” She sighed. She seemed a bit absent, paying more attention to the rising sun. I felt my cheeks flush as I thought of something that I could sing.

I felt nervous for some stupid reason… I cleared my throat and tried to remember the lyrics, “Like a rainbow after rain, like the night follows, you’re the answer to the prayers I sang… And you are there…”

I heard Jade giggle softly and I knew that she was embarrassed immediately. I could see a smile on her face so hard that it was probably hurting. I gave a feeble little laugh too, but carried on until it subsided, “You are there… somewhere, no matter where I go, or what I do… You are there to help me see it through so every night I say a prayer… just because you’re there…”

“You are there… somewhere, and as the years go by we’ll stay as two, what you are for me, I’ll be for you and every night I’ll see a prayer… just because you’re there… Oh, you are there… Everywhere…”

She turned her body inward toward me and slid her arms around my chest. She kissed me softly on the lips. Her cheeks were bashfully red but I knew that for some reason, hearing me sing to her had really excited her. I reciprocated her embrace and enjoyed her short romantic little kisses.

It was pretty much complete daylight but we made no effort to move too soon. I grazed my fingertips up and down her forearm as we sat. “I wish we could hang out all day here and not be noticed at all…” I told her honestly.

“Me too…” She murmured. “But don’t worry baby, this morning has already been brilliant.” That made me smile. I was glad that I’d got her up out of bed, despite how much of a bad idea she seemed to think it was at first.

“In one week’s time… I’m going to have a wife…” I remarked. I felt her squeeze me tighter. Her body was so warm against mine and so … right. “I never really believed anyone would marry me, you know? Or… if I did, it’d just because I wanted to settle –“

I saw the surprised expression on her face at end of my sentence. “What I mean is…” I corrected myself, so she wouldn’t get the wrong idea, “is that I never thought I’d find that perfect person for me, you know? My soul mate…”

“Neither did I…” She replied, “Actually I convinced myself that I didn’t want to get married or find a soul mate. That was so far from what I ever wanted for myself.”

“Sometimes life has a funny way of surprising us.” I smiled. She nodded slowly.

“Thank you for always being so persistent with me, Michael… if you had of given up, I would have given up…” She said to me in a tone that seemed a bit regressive. I just kissed her softly on the cheek. 

“I’ll never give up on you…” I added. “And I’ll never let you give up on me.”

“What do you think we’ll be doing a year from now?” She wondered as the bright sun showed us it’s full strength, the longer we stayed.

I shrugged. “I want to ease up and not spend so much time working so we can spend more time together… but I also want to be ready to release a new album…” My voice trailed off as I thought of all the songs that I’d already written and half-recorded for my next album. “Hopefully the media will let up on us a bit and we can be a little more normal.”

“Yeah…” She nodded in agreement and looked at with a shy smile. “I’ll probably try to find a job or something and hope that I’ll be exactly where I want to be career-wise.”

I didn’t want to say it, but I knew that anyone in the world would be happy to have Jade working for their company. She wasn’t going to have any problems finding a job with her new surname. I knew that she would have had an issue with people hiring her for notoriety over competency, but it wasn’t really something that I wanted to go in to right then and there.

“That’s unless of course, I’ve get you all knocked up before you get that chance.” I giggled. I was mostly joking, but a little piece of me was serious.

I worried about her falling pregnant. I knew that there was a good chance it would complicate her heart problems especially after what had happened. The doctor had informed us that if Jade did conceive then it would be a pregnancy that would need to be closely monitored. Even though she shrugged it off, I knew the idea scared her as much as it did, me. Although my desire to have children was a strong one, her health and safety took the utmost priority and I wasn’t willing to put her in any kind of danger. Her doctor had assured us that it might likely be a very normal pregnancy, but there was always that small chance.

“Imagine how gorgeous our baby would be?” She grinned, “I bet it’d look just like you, you got the kind end of the gene pool in your family.”

I laughed, “Hey you know what, your family didn’t do too badly either.” I shot back with a laugh.

She turned serious and rubbed her hand over my tummy as she often did just out of affection. “I don’t want to put you in any danger though…” I admitted in a gentle tone, because I didn’t want her to think I was being piteous. “There are other options…”

She shook her head and gave me a sincere look with a hint of a smile. “There are risks with everything, baby, as long as I’m properly monitored, we’ll be fine… I’m not scared. I want us to have our very own family...”

My tummy fluttered as I kissed her on the lips. Everything was perfect until the sound of a camera shutter alerted me to reality…

**

I leapt to my feet and he followed suit. He turned around and glared at the idiot with the camera. “Never a dull moment.” I murmured to him.

“Come on, Michael, just let us have one photo…” He referred to himself and his friend beside him. Paparazzi had been such a hyped up “career” in Los Angeles at the time. It was very lucrative and every man with no life was doing it. I knew just how extensive my fiance’s hate for the paparazzi was, so I said nothing and kept my head down, not wanting them to get a photo of us. They both looked like they’d rolled out of bed without even getting dressed. I half expected to see the remnants of the previous night’s dinner embedded in to their beards.

Yuck.

“One photo and we’ll leave you alone.”

Michael said nothing and calmly folded the blanket. I was surprised by just how calm he was. He didn’t seem angry or upset, just a bit expressionless. He took me by the hand and gave me a little smile as the paparazzi gave up hope of him even acknowledging them. They started snapping photos of us endlessly.

We began walking up the beach as they followed, of course garnering more attention along the way. I felt Michael placing his hand on the small of my back protectively as more people kind of crowded and called out to him.

It was ridiculous of us to have hung around on the beach for too long after the sun had risen. It was almost 7am, people were leaving for work, it was almost peak hour. I did a double take as I saw someone stop their car in the middle of the street and jump out, making a beeline for us.

The walk to the apartment was just around three hundred meters, but we were gathering company quickly. “Keep your head down…” Michael warned me. I heard his name being yelled from across the street. I felt him pick up his pace, guiding me along quicker. He smiled dutifully and remained polite saying hello and shaking a hand here and there with his free hand.

People asked for autographs and for hugs but Michael didn’t want to stop, and frankly neither did I. He was apologetic in saying that we had to leave and that he didn’t have a pen. A few people fired questions at me, but I didn’t answer. I didn’t want to talk or to have anyone capture my face on their camera.

It seemed like forever and a year ‘til we got to the gate of our apartment building. Michael was so polite and thanked everyone for coming to say hello while he opened it and guided me through first. He was careful not to open it too far incase anyone tried to push themselves in. He was having trouble getting back inside with people grabbing at his arm, becoming a little more excited. I went ahead to get the security who was at the front desk. I didn’t want Michael to get hurt and I wasn’t interested in giving those bastard paparazzi’s too much of what they wanted.

Michael closed the door behind him and threw the blanket on the couch. “Well… that ruined that…” I could tell her was disappointed, and probably thought that I was upset with what had happened. He marched upstairs to our bedroom to compose himself. I wondered if I should let him go, or go and tell him that despite the ending, our morning was beautiful.

I climbed the stairs after him. I knew he hated to be stressed in front of me. He hated to be too angry or lose control of his temper. I knew he was always mindful of my own fears of violence, so I appreciated that… but I knew that I wasn’t the source of his anger, so it didn’t bother me.

He was in the bathroom looking in the mirror. I could tell he was tired by the bags beneath his eyes. Maybe he needed to go to sleep since he hadn’t been in bed yet. “Hey, don’t worry… we had a great morning.” I spoke up, wrapping my arms around his chest as I came behind him.

He heaved a sigh. “I’m sorry, honey… We should have left immediately after the sun came up… I just thought we could get away with it.” He apologized, turning to look in to my eyes and carried on the embrace. I felt his arms tightening as he squeezed me.

“Look, it was bound to happen sooner or later. It wasn’t that bad.” I replied, stretching on my tip-toes to meet his lips. “Please don’t feel bad.” I knew from a little smile that he showed me, that he was okay.

“Why don’t you go to bed?” I suggested.

“I don’t want to go to bed ‘cos I’ll sleep all day and when I wake up, you’ll want to sleep and we won’t get to spend anymore time.” He frowned, poking out his lower lip.

“Aw baby, just sleep until the afternoon and I’ll wake you up.” I pulled his hand to our bedroom. “Come on… you need to sleep.”

“You want to lay down with me?” He asked. I smiled and nodded. I knew I could probably go back to bed for a few hours. I hated waking up so early.

**

I awoke after midday with Michael playing with my hair and smoothing my cheek with his soft fingers. I was surprised to see that he was awake before me. He smiled upon seeing my eyes open. He always looked so gorgeous that it made my heart beat faster while I was lying beside him. “Good afternoon, gorgeous.”

I smiled and sat up to check the time. It was just after 1.

“Good afternoon…” I leaned over and gave him a soft kiss on the lips. I let him wrap his arms around me, guiding me on top of him. It was so rare that we had body-to-body affection or intimacy. I kissed him again, briefly and pulled away. I saw a frustrated look on his face as he rose his head up from the pillow to recapture it. I gave in… I couldn’t resist his sweet face. I pressed my lips against his and felt his tongue glide inside of my mouth as if that’s where it was supposed to be all along. I felt my heart pounding faster as I couldn’t ignore that Michael was rising to the occasion further below the waist. We were moving in to dangerous territory, the kind where it was harder to exercise our self-control. During these moments, my conscience always screamed that there was no reason at all to wait. I rationalized in my head, why it would be perfectly okay to just go for it with him.

I’m sure both of Michael’s heads convinced him of the same thing.

He gave a soft groan as his hands cupped my face, swirling his tongue inside of my mouth. I wanted him so bad. I didn’t care if it was quick or something we continued to do for hours, I just wanted him inside of me. I loved him, he loved me. I asked myself what we were trying to prove to each other by waiting?

He rolled me on to my back, assuming position on top of me. I was just fine with that. I could feel him pressing in to my thigh, I knew he wanted to just begin tearing clothes off but I gave him credit for his patience.

His hands glided along my collar bones, down my sides and finding their way beneath my tank top. He broke our wet kiss, and planted them more softly over my face and neck, traveling further down to my shoulder. I could feel the goose bumps rising to the surface of my skin as his body, my shield of warmth, covered me with tenderness.

“We should stop…” He murmured between kisses. I said nothing, I didn’t care for that moment. I had blocked every other thought about waiting, out of my mind, disallowing it to factor in to my head to any extent.

I felt his large and warm hand inching its way to my chest. He bit at my bottom lip softly, sucking on it. I closed my eyes tightly and let him do what he wanted to me without protest. He covered my breast with his hand and grazed his palm over it softly. I quivered beneath him and softly moaned.

His erection pressed hard against my groin, causing us both discomfort. He straddled me, allowing himself a little distance between each other. He ground himself against me lightly. My body reacted involuntary. It trembled with pleasure as he did it again. It was a shame we were both still completely clothed. I guess it prevented us mostly from going the whole way right then and there.

I rubbed him with my cupped hand on the outside of his boxers. He gasped at my unexpected initiative. He began to pull my tank top up over my head. I lifted my arms, allowing him to do so. This small break in our intimate contact allowed me a momentary slap of restraint. You waited so long… just one more fucking week… won’t it be more romantic when he’s undressing you from your wedding gown?

I was a mess. I was torn between just doing it, getting it over with or pushing Michael away. My body was calling his so strongly. I was worked up, my heart race was speeding along. I was lying half naked before him.

I was lying naked, my chest bare.

Suddenly a feeling of overwhelming self-consciousness overtook me, replacing my lustrous dilemma. I hadn’t been exposed to him since my surgery. I knew it was stupid, ridiculous even, that I should feel self conscious after the months we had spent living in each other’s pockets. I knew he loved me to death, there was nothing that could turn him off.

None of that, though, was any consolation to me. I still had this fucking zipper the size of Canada down the middle of chest. It wasn’t attractive. I didn’t want his hands or his lips, or his eyes near it.

I couldn’t bring myself to.

I gave him a gentle push. “That’s enough Michael…” I rolled out from beneath him and made a grab for my tank top which had just been pulled from me a few moments earlier.

“What?” He seemed shocked, but then laughed, thinking I was playing. “Don’t toy with me, girl…” He went to take the tank top from my hands and tried to kiss me again, but I turned my cheek.

“Don’t.” I warned him. “We’re supposed to wait … or whatever.” I added, getting up from the bed, smoothing down my disheveled hair.

I knew he was mad just from the look on his face. “Are you fucking serious!” He cried incredulously, “Jade, you can’t just walk away from me while I’m like this.” Both of our eyes followed down to this erection. I felt terrible.

I hated myself so much at that moment and I was so angry that I’d once again, let my own self confidence issues demolish something special between us. I tried to remain diffident.

“Have a shower.” I replied coolly. “You’re the one who wanted to wait.”

“You fucking tease!” He shouted angrily. I knew he regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth. He went to quickly apologize, but I didn’t even give him the chance.

“Who the fuck do you think you are?” I wanted to know, narrowing my eyes angrily as he slumped down on to the bed. “How dare you speak to me like that? I have every god damn right to say no to you no matter how fucking far we have gone.”

He knew I was right, and I knew he was sorry, but neither of us backed down. I guess for awhile, our tempers had been flaring over a few things. I was getting increasingly annoyed by his lack of interest in being home with me of a night, but rather spending every waking hour in the studio. He was angry with me for not being as understanding as I had been in the early months and angry that I wasn’t making any plans to keep a low profile to ensure people would leave me alone in public.

Our wedding was being reported obsessively on the news, and so my face was being splashed around left right and middle.

“What, so you think it’s fair to get me all worked up and then decide you’ve changed mind for whatever fucking reason after I’m as hard as a freakin’ rod?” He looked so angry, I don’t know that I’d ever seen him so mad with me. A part of me felt terrible, and the other half of me was still stung from him calling me a tease.

“Would you have a listen to yourself?” I shook my head in disgust. “Whatever happened to that, ‘Oh honey, I don’t understand why a guy would want to do it with someone who isn’t interested… I have noooo expectation’” I mimicked him.

He knew I had him backed up and really he had nothing to say to that. I hated fights and I hated them with Michael. “Jade, what the hell is your problem? You’re so hot and fucking cold, I can’t stand it…”

I knew it. I knew it.

“No one is forcing you to keep ‘standing it’ then are they?” I was going to cry. I could feel the tears welling up and stinging my eyes. In the process of our argument, I’d been pulling on a pair of jeans. I picked up the oversized black hoodie of Michael’s that I’d been wearing in the morning and pulled it on as I left him alone in our bedroom.

I made my way down the stairs two at a time and grabbed my purse and car keys. I was fucking out of there. I didn’t want to be near him. I didn’t want to see his angry face. I didn’t want to fight.

I didn’t want to have to explain myself for fear of spawning more irate within him for being so demanding of his time and for not properly supporting his career. It was true, I knew from the get-go that his career would probably sometimes ruin things between us. It was an obstacle. He warned me of how it would be, how sometimes the time between us would be lessened because his work was demanding and time consuming and I had promised that I would understand.

I never expected when I made that promise that I was going to be dating Michael forever. I never expected that we were going to get married. I never expected that long hours meant sometimes I would get to see him for five minutes before he went to bed and then having him wake up hours and hours later when I was ready for bed, only to see him off again back to the studio.

It felt like he was avoiding me, like it was too much trouble to be around me. And sure, some sweet talks ensued, he would profess his love for me every now and then and I’d see the adoration he had for me in his eyes, but it seemed so fleeting.

The whole situation had been building up on my subconscious and I couldn’t conceal it anymore. I was just too frightened to confront him about it for fear of the blow up like the one we had had when I suggested that maybe we’d grown too comfortable with one another.

I didn’t really know where I planned on going. I considered Dad’s place, but I didn’t want to tell him what Michael had said to me. I knew it was something he wouldn’t forgive and I wanted him to hold absolutely nothing against him. I also didn’t want them to know I was having problems so close to our wedding.

I was so glad my grandmother had decided since my illness, that she would move to Los Angeles. I found my way to my grandmother’s new place. I knew she would be more than happy to give me refuge without demanding an explanation. She would let me cry it out and perhaps ask if I needed to talk, but I knew she wouldn’t press anything.

I just wanted to be anywhere, really, as long as it was away from Michael and his surprising anger.