Chapter 25

I called Dad and he insisted on coming straight over. I wanted to be alone, but I knew it was stupid to feel that way. I knew if I was left alone with my own paranoid thoughts I would dream up a thousand different excuses or things that I could have also accused Michael of. I needed some logical advice. I needed someone who wasn't Michael to tell me that he was sincere.

I washed my face with a hot cloth. It was red and blotchy from crying. I found myself wishing that I had never let Michael in to my life -- it was too hard. I hated relationships. I hated the thought of them. I hated having to put in all the hard yards -- and for what? They always fucking ended badly. It was easier just not to try at all. I remembered back to my days before he came in to my life, and now I let logic rule over my heart.

My life had been a whole lot more simple.

I couldn't get the look that Michael had given me just before I left him for the night, out of my mind. He looked so sad, like a wounded puppy and it made me feel so fucking guilty even though I hadn't done anything wrong. I kept thinking that maybe I had got it wrong, maybe Kendra just assumed Michael and Matilda had slept together. I wanted to believe with all my heart that he was telling me the truth but -- I heard about guys doing that kinda shit all the time. I didn't really understand the point of a male wanting to "crack" a virgin as Danny from my work used to put it. It seemed disgusting, and why would a guy want to be with someone so inexperienced?

I didn't understand. If Michael was all about conquering as many first timers as he could, I probably wouldn't have been shocked. In fact, at that moment, I didn't really expect much else than to find out he was a shady bastard masquerading as some sweet innocent man so he could bring home other women.

My mind wandered to what he got up to when he was overseas or on business.

I was doing my head in thinking of all the what-ifs. The question was, why he would lie to me.

**

I had never been more relieved to see my Dad. I knew he would be honest with me. He came in like a whirlwind and sat me down on the couch. It was obvious I'd spent awhile crying. My face was blotched and red and a headache had formed. I just wanted to call up Michael and break up with him. I knew it would be hard to get over, but I'd manage. It would just be so much easier in the long run.

Dad hugged me and kissed my forehead before asking me what happened. My Dad knew I would talk in my own time if I wanted to. He turned the TV on and went to make us both a hot drink and ordered me to calm down.

I felt like my father was the only man I'd ever be able to completely trust. I sighed softly and blew my nose. At least the television set was something to turn my attention to. My mind went over the past few months that I'd spent with Michael and how happy he seemed to be when I was around. He never did anything that wasn't genuine. I felt like I knew that whatever he said or did was truly from the heart.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Dad interrupted my thoughts as he placed down a cup of tea on the coffee table.

I gave him a brief run down of our night and was quite frank about the fact that Michael and I had not yet slept together. I think my Dad was surprised since he was well aware of how much time I spent at Michael's house-- never the less he tried not to show it. I explained how we had went to dinner at his friends house and it was there that I found out that he had lied about his sexual status.

Dad sank back and thought for a moment, as if digesting the story. "Sweetheart, did you talk to him about it?" He finally asked me.

I shrugged. "We had a fight on the way home. He denied it all but why would Kendra lie? And..." I paused and wiped my eyes, "I don't know it just seems all so weird."

Dad put an arm around me and hugged me. "I know you're really upset, but how can you know that it isn't just some kind of misunderstanding unless you hear Michael out?" He paused, "And of course you don't want to be deceived, but does it really matter if Michael has had another sexual partner before?"

I raised my eyebrow, "Yes of course it damn well matters!" I snapped, "God, are men all the bloody same?" I wanted to know. I was shocked that my Dad was defending him. "He told me on more than one fucking occasion that he was a virgin Dad."

"Watch your mouth." He frowned at me. "I understand that you're upset, Jade. It's a perfectly valid feeling, but did you at least let him tell his side of the story or did you just make up your mind then and there?"

I couldn't answer. When I thought back to the way I had struck him across the cheek, I felt ashamed. I sighed. I knew he was right and I guess that was what I needed, someone to knock some sense back in to me.

"Jade, does he have a history of lying? Has he ever done or said anything to make you suspicious of his motives? Or has he always been loyal and kind and genuine with you?" He continued to ask me rhetorically. "Cause darling, these are the things you need to be asking yourself before you get yourself all worked up over something that could just be nothing."

I knew he was right. I hated feeling the way I was. I hoped and prayed with all of my might that Kendra was wrong, but honestly, I couldn't see how she could have mistaken something like that.

**

I blew off work for the day. I had an exec meeting with the label, but I didn't give a shit. I hadn't slept at all the night before and my head was absolutely pulsating. I drove toward Jade's house in my bed clothes and I didn't even care that people who pulled up beside me at traffic lights recognised me. I drove fast, recklessly, wanting to get to her house. It was driving me insane. I had to explain to her what was said, and why Kendra spilled what she had.

I felt a bit shaky as I made my way upstairs to Jade's apartment. I knew she was going to tell me to go home. I knew she probably would have decided that I wasn't worth the effort. I was scared. I loved her so fucking much that it hurt. I don't even think I'd been aware of the extent until the night before. I wasn't too proud to cry, to beg to do everything in my power to show her how much I loved her and how much I needed her to know that I wouldn't ever have hurt her.

I knocked on the door for a few minutes and heard her making footsteps toward it. She swang it open and stood a little stunned that I was waiting behind it. I felt her eyes search me, looking me up and down, avoiding my own stare. I swallowed a lump in my throat. "Can I come in?" I asked with a look of hope and desperation.

She left the door open and turned around to let me follow her inside. It was a start.

I closed the door behind us and waited for her to say something. I hated the hostility in the air along with the tension and coldness. I felt my eyes filling up with tears. "Don't be like this, Jade... open up your heart and hear me out."

She sank down in to the couch and stared at me, expressionless and waited. I sat down opposing her on the wooden coffee table. I wanted to take her hands, but I was afraid she'd flinch away. Instead I sat forward and breathed a sigh. I didn't really know where to begin. I guessed that the basics would be the best place. "I love you baby. I can't say it enough, I love you so much." I flicked my gaze up to see that she was watching me.

"Why did you lie?" She asked me coldly even though I knew that my presence was affecting her. Her eyes were covered by a thick film of water. I wanted her to cry if only to break the tension. "And tell me the damn truth."

"Jade..." I began, "I told you Matilda took money from me..." I explained. "And I glossed over it with you," I continued, feeling tears tickling my face as they fell upon my cheeks for two reasons. I was so scared that Jade wasn't going to buy my truth and secondly for my own idiocy over how I'd been taken for a fool. "I trusted her so much so that I gave her joint access to a bank account where a large sum of my funding was kept, and in the interest of her future I put her name down as a co-owner of a corperation that I was in possession of. She wanted to take out a loan for her own home, an investment profit and didn't have enough collateral to do it on her own."

"Oh well silly me!" Jade snapped, "I thought when Kendra told me you lost your virginity to her, that she was talking about sex -- good to know she meant it in the terms of signing a contract! I was so confused!" She threw at me sarcastically.

God, she looked so heartbroken and so unsure of herself. I hated that I was so stupid, and I hated that I ever had to think of my whole fucked up relationship with that criminal bitch all over again. It hurt me to think about and left me feeling so overwhelmingly retarded for trusting someone who clearly wasn't of sound mind.

"Hear me out..." I whispered, wiping my eyes. I sighed again. "Matilda was always trying to have sex with me, she wouldn't believe me when told her I was a virgin especially after what my brother's had put me through while I was on tour... I guess she got tired of waiting and that's when I found her cheating at the party I took her to, like I told you."

Jade still said nothing.

"I was embarrassed, my pride had been smashed to pieces and then about a week later I received a letter from my bank manager who wrote me to confirm the closure of my bank account as the funds in it were no longer, and the corperation that I had founded had been turned over so that Matilda had me pushed out of the ownership and then she sold it."

I closed my eyes and felt heaven in my grasp as her soft hand nestled itself in my palm. The tears fell down my cheeks unbridled and part of me felt like the most unmacho guy that had ever been placed on Earth and the other part of me just wanted Jade so badly to understand that I would never have touched that bitch with a poking pole.

"Baby, I was so mortified and just ... cheated, fucked over in every which way -- I couldn't tell anyone, especially not my father because he would have absolutely obliterated me for being so stupid in putting her name to anything. I didn't want anyone to know that she had taken so much from me, my heart, my money, even my fucking investments. Fuck, I was so stupid."

I hadn't talked about any of what had happened ever before to anyone. I didn't know how it would go over, and I certainly didn't want Jade to think I was a push-over. But maybe I was, and maybe it was a lesson that needed to be taught so that I didn't leave myself open to anything that fucking idiotic ever again. "So I guess I told Dave and Kendra that she used me to get me in to bed to make a name for herself, because it was the easiest and most believable excuse."

Silence fell over us both. I dared not to look at Jade but I felt her fingers curl around my hand. I knew that she believed me.

"I'm so sorry I hit you." was the first thing she apologised for. I had completely forgotten about it.

"I don't care." I finally looked up at her, my eyes were full of emotion. "Jade, I've always looked for someone who will look after me, who will just have me -- put up with me, if need be, they didn't necessarily have to love me, just accept me. I thought perfect love was just finding a girl who would turn me in to a good husband, who would be just good enough for me. Beggars can't be choosers." I murmured.

"But you're better than that." I explained, moving to sit beside her. "You're not just good enough, you're someone I love so dearly, I have never ever met someone who loves me so unconditionally, no questions asked. You don't try to make me be something I'm not, you accept me as I am, you take the good with the bad and it's incomprehensible to me that I could ever hurt you, or lie to you or do anything that would leave you heart-broken or skeptical of the honest man that I've always been with you."

I couldn't even bring myself to look at her. I knew she was crying, so was I. God, it was one of those pathetic corny ass movie scene moments. If there could have been any music playing, I'm sure the violins would have been out. I'd never felt so fucking lame in all of my life. I was still hurting and I know she was too. I hadn't slept one wink and judging by the way Jade looked, she hadn't either.

"I'm sorry." She apologized. "For everything." I felt her warm hands slipping around my chest. I felt my body begin to relax within her embrace.

"I love you, Jade, please don't ever think that I don't."

"I love you too." She murmured, leaning her head against my chest.

**

I thought that it was possible that Michael was hurting more than I was. We didn't say a lot, both rather reflected on how idiotic our misunderstanding had been. I wished that I had given him more of a chance to speak, while I knew he'd wished he'd just told me the full story about Matilda to begin with. I suppose in some way we were both to blame.

Like Michael, I also hadn't slept the night before and it attributed toward our high strung emotions. "Why didn't you ever pursue that bitch legally?" I wondered out loud. I leaned my head against his shoulder and closed my eyes. Weariness was taking over.

He gave a tired laugh. "Yeah right. Show the world what kind of fucking loser I am?"

I hated it when he talked down about himself. "We all make mistakes." I supplied, although I knew it wasn't much consolation.

"Yeah...." His voice trailed off, "the difference was, mine was a half million mistake. One that could have been prevented, had I not been such an easy bitch of a target."

I felt his pain. I knew it was something that tormented him a lot. "I'm sorry..." I heard myself apologising to him for a number of reasons, mostly because he'd been hurt so deeply and I felt so helpless and upset that he obviously quite clearly knew the pain of trusting someone so much and having them do the unthinkable. I was also sorry that I hadn't given him the opportunity to hear him out like my Dad had originally asked.

"Not your fault." He replied with a little sigh. "Maybe we should put it behind us-- forget last night ever happened." He suggested.

"Look..." I began, looking up at him. "We had a stupid misunderstanding. I wasn't willing to hear you out -- you only told me half the story about Matilda. I think we both just need to be upfront and honest about everything so that something like this doesn't ever happen again." I paused and gave him a small smile. "Cause I don't think I could go through another sleepless night wondering what's going on with us."

"Me either... I didn't sleep at all, not one bit." I knew he wasn't lying. I could always tell when my baby was tired. He had dark shadows beneath his eyes and when he smiled the creases became deeper and his eyes looked hollow.

It was just before midday. "Maybe you should have a nap." I planted a kiss on his cheek, "You want to go lay down in my room, or do you have things to do?"

"Fuck them. You're more important than work." He replied. I was surprised each time Michael cursed, even though he had sworn quite a lot throughout the morning, I couldn't help but feeling shocked each time a dirty word came out of his mouth.

I got up, ignoring his cursing and took his hand. He got up from the couch and followed me to my room. We closed the door behind us and I watched him slip off his shoes and get comfortable. My covers were already pulled back from an effortful night of sleepless tossing and turning. My bed was against the wall and usually I liked to be closest to the wall. I climbed over Michael and made myself comfortable, lying flat on my back.

Michael propped himself up on his elbow and watched me. We were both in mellow moods. There was certainly no intention of anything overly romantic between us, but I knew he was wanting to just appreciate that we were okay. He pressed his lips against mine softly before settling back down on to the other pillow.

I turned to face the wall, and as usual, his arm secured itself over my waist, pulling me closer in to him, tucking his hand beneath my side, spooning. "Don't ever leave me, Jade..."

I closed my eyes tightly as his words continuously played over in my head. I never ever wanted to leave him, it's just that sometimes it would have seemed so much easier.