I awoke from a disturbing dream about Gaby and sat up. I was covered in a cold sweat and I could feel myself shaking. My hair was still damp from the shower and I felt like the state that I’d left Gaby in.

I rubbed my eyes. I wished that someone would wake me up from this abhorrent nightmare. I felt so ashamed of myself. Every time Gaby had called me seeking advice, I told her what she wanted to hear just so I could get off the phone and get back to my stupid fucking self-indulgent, pathetic lifestyle.

I couldn’t get the image I’d found her in, out of my head. I hadn’t seen her for possibly more than two months and boy did she look different. She had lost so much weight and it made her look even more fragile. She was gaunt and her complexion was so pasty. I knew that it was definitely the drugs.

When I arrived I was absolutely shocked to find all the doors to her apartment open, as if all of her so-called friends, including her new boyfriend had just bolted. I was disgusted that they could do such a thing. I checked first to see if she was conscious which she was. I tried to wake her by slapping her cheeks gently. Around her mouth was vomit and foam, obviously from convulsions. I made sure her airways were clear as the paramedics had instructed me to do.

Something went wrong between then and when the paramedics arrived. She stopped breathing and they managed to resuscitate her. I felt to blame, even though deep down I knew there was nothing more I could do, Michael tried to convince me too… It was just all such a horrible situation which I couldn’t escape thinking about.

I remembered how I had checked her pupils by lifting her eyelids and they looked back at me lifelessly. I felt like vomiting myself at the thought of it all.

Her parents had screamed at me when they arrived to the hospital, as if they believed that I was part of it – as if I was the one responsible for Gaby’s state. Her Mom knew me so well, I was so hurt. I was in such a state as it was. I had been hysterically crying as I watched the paramedics stabilize her condition in the back of the ambulance, thinking that she was actually gone. One of the assistants tried her best to calm me down and assured me Gaby was in the best hands.

Obviously the best hadn’t been good enough.

I pushed the thoughts to the back of my mind as I noticed Michael coming in. I had been sleeping for hours, I felt bad. I was sure I had entirely wore out my welcome. I was so thankful to him though. He was the very support that I needed and comforted me better than anyone could have.

“Hey…” He gave me a gentle smile. It was one of those pity ones that you receive when someone is certain you’re about to turn in to a basket case. I didn’t blame him; I’d pretty much been a basket case from the moment I arrived.

“Hi…”

“I’m not sure if you’re hungry, but I’ve made us some dinner, I was just going to come and wake you to see if you wanted something.”

His sweetness was melting my heart. I didn’t know what on Earth I could possibly say to convey my gratitude to him. “Thanks Michael, I’d love to eat.” I wasn’t hungry at all, but he had gone to the trouble, how could I turn him down?

“Okay, just sit tight.” He smiled. I loved his messy curly hair. It looked better when it was dry, without product, natural, bed-head look. I loved it. He was wearing pajama-style black cotton pants and a white T-shirt. I guess it was his house clothes. He looked great. And here I was, looking probably like a dropped custard tart.

Fortunately for me, for whatever reason, Michael wasn’t deterred.

I gave him a weak smile in return.

**

The pasta he made sat before me in a bowl. He had told me that there was plenty left if I wanted more. In fact, it made my stomach rumble; it looked delicious.

As I took a bite, I learned for the umpteenth time in my life, that looks were definitely deceiving. I was so glad that Michael had left the room for just a second, because I had shamelessly gagged. The pasta was crunchy and by God, there was a lot of sauce. And salt? I wondered if he had used the entire shaker. I tried to compose myself and swallowed it with a glass of water. He arrived just as I set the cup down.

“How is it? Is it okay? I hope it’s okay.” He said, self-consciously. How could I break his heart after all the effort he had gone to? I couldn’t very well tell him that his food tasted like feet.

“It’s great.” I smiled falsely. Probably way too falsely for someone who’s best friend was fresh in a coma. I prayed he would think it tasted fab, or else he was about to realize how badly I lied.

He took a bite a forkful of his own pasta and suddenly made a disgusted groan. He grabbed his napkin and spat it back in to it. “Oh my God… you lied!” He accused me, half-mortified and half amused. I knew he was embarrassed, I could tell by the look on his face.

I tried to save face. “no… really.”

“Jade!” He reprimanded me. “It tastes like … soggy water from an old boot. Yuck!” He got up, disgusted, and grabbed my plate from me without giving me a chance to protest. “There is no way we are eating this.” I was secretly glad.

He came back to the living room with the portable phone. “Let’s order pizza.”

That was fine with me. I wasn’t even hungry, it didn’t bother me either way, but I agreed with his plans.

**

“I’m really sorry that I ruined your day…” I sighed. I put down the nibbled slice of pizza I’d spent the past half an hour picking at. “I’m sure you had other things planned.”

I avoided his gaze. I knew whatever I apologized for he was going to insist that it was okay anyway.

“Not really.” He replied, “And stop apologizing. I told you that you’re welcome here whenever.”

I knew he meant it, and if I kept apologizing he would probably start to get annoyed. I know it annoyed me when people constantly went on and on about things. We both sat in front of the coffee table as we ate. Well, as he ate. I was just picking.

“How do you feel after your sleep, anyway?” He inquired after some silence. He looked at me with his beautiful eyes. I remembered how they used to unnerve me, but now the way he looked at me left me feeling comforted.

“You were right, I feel a bit better. I guess it’s all starting to sink in.” I replied, quietly. “It’s still just so unreal.”

“Do you have any idea what type of drugs she had been taking?” Michael asked me. It was the same question they asked me in the back of the ambulance, but of course I could only guess.

I gave a shrug. “I knew she was using marijuana, but I didn’t think it was excessive, and obviously it was more than just pot that made her overdose…” I felt so helpless. It wasn’t a feeling that I was used to.

Michael slipped an arm around me, as I stared blankly in to the almost-empty pizza box as if I was trying to figure out how it all went so wrong. I suppose I was still in shock, even if I didn’t recognize it at the time. I inched closer to him. I was tired of shutting him out when I knew I didn’t want to. I was tired of playing games with myself, cutting off my nose to spite my face. It was all so silly. “I distanced myself from her because of the way her lifestyle started to change…” I admitted, “Maybe that was selfish of me…”

“I don’t associate with people who make a lifestyle out of being drunk and high.” He informed me, “I don’t blame you, I probably would have done the same thing. Sometimes we have to protect ourselves.”

“Yeah…” I agreed to a certain extent. “I just wonder if maybe I could have tried to see if there was any deeper reasons to why she turned to that. The whole thing just reminded me of Aaron all over again. I know that’s so selfish.” I hoped he didn’t think I was a bad person for not being there for my friend.

“That’s not selfish.” He contradicted me. “Not at all. She should have realized that, and maybe not flaunt it in front of you…”

I hesitated to tell him what I wasn’t sure he already knew. “I never told Gaby about the things Aaron did to me.” I said quietly. “She knew I was in a bad relationship, Michael, but only you know the whole truth of it.”

He widened his eyes a little bit. I gave him a few moments to digest it. He gave me a little bit of a smile. “I’m really honored that you trusted me with that, Jade.”

I felt like cringing at the word trust, and my own name mixed with it. It seemed like such an oxymoron but the feeling left me when I looked in to Michael’s sincere and compassionate eyes. I knew what was the truth – he would never hurt me. He was a beautiful, giving, big-hearted man who wanted nothing from me. He’d been honest with me from day one, raw, honest and entirely sincere.

His smile disappeared after a few seconds as I intently held his gaze. I looked at his lips, smooth, pink and inviting. He was looking me over with seriousness, as if he was taking in my every tiny move.

I found myself involuntarily closing my eyes and pressing my lips softly against his. My heart beat fast against my chest with a surge of adrenaline and a thought that I had just acted completely inappropriately. His lips were slightly moist and felt warm against mine. He put a hand on my shoulder and I quickly pulled away. I realized how stupid my action was, I felt horrible.

“Oh God, Michael I am so sorry.” I apologized, not even allowing myself to look at his face. “I don’t know what came over-“

His body turned toward me, and he curled his fingers around my upper arms, steadying me, from flipping out further. My head was absolutely spinning with confusion. What had I just done? I knew my feelings for him weren’t platonic, they hadn’t been from the get-go, but I assumed that his had been for me.

I was entirely unprepared for what happened next. I looked at him in surprise as he leaned in and kissed my lips. His eyes were closed, so I closed mine too, ignoring what was going on inside my head. I surrendered myself to him and let my heart make the decisions. Interiorly, I was freaking out, he was the first guy I’d ever had feelings for since Aaron. In my head it was wrong, I was telling myself that he was taking advantage of my state of mind, but thankfully my heart knew better.

He held me so tenderly as he kissed me romantically – just how I imagined they did in the movies. I remembered my first kiss with Aaron as being awkward and sloppy and nothing at all like I’d dreamed as a little girl. With Michael, it was exactly how I had imagined it to be and more.

His hands glided with such gentleness from my shoulders down until he was holding both of my hands. His mouth was so warm and tasted so sweet, despite the fact that we’d just had pizza. I partially felt guilty for enjoying the moment so much when my best friend was in hospital in a coma, but for the moment, Gaby and her drug problem was selfishly forgotten. I didn’t care, all I cared about was my kiss with Michael.

There wasn’t a lot about the kiss that was physically intimate, but yet the moment that he’d made the move in, was definitely one of intimacy and perfection. I appreciated that he didn’t attempt to choke me by shoving his tongue in to my throat as did my ex-boyfriend on the first few times we kissed. It probably would have been over much quicker, if he had.

He pressed his lips together, ending it and even as I pulled away from him my eyes remained closed, as if I was savoring every last moment of it. Finally, feeling a bit foolish, I opened them. I saw that he was watching me, as if he was anticipating my reaction. I felt dizzy, actually. My head spun with confusion and my heart was swollen with emotion. I wanted to hug him, I wanted to say something meaningful but instead I sat there, a little speechless.

This was certainly not what I had expected to happen.

“I…” He began stammering, “I’ve um…” He paused and tried to find better words to express himself. “I hope that I wasn’t inappropriate—“ I could tell he was about as nervous as I felt, waiting for my reaction.

I couldn’t help myself. I smiled shyly at him. “It wasn’t.” I said, finding the courage to meet his gaze. I couldn’t help but notice that his eyes were sparkling, he seemed so happy but he masked it beneath a cool exterior so well.

“Does that mean….that you like me too?” He asked sweetly.

I was gob-smacked. Michael Jackson liked me? I couldn’t hide it. I nodded. It seemed like the sweetest music to my ears, that he too had feelings for me. The insecurities in my head were running overtime and I was doing my best to continue shutting them down. My heart pounded hard and I wasn’t quite sure what to tell him.

“This is awkward isn’t it?” He said with a bit of a sigh.

Thankfully his remark broke the ice. It sure was awkward. I gave a tension-relieving laugh. “Yeah…”

“I just want you to know that that kiss just now meant a lot to me.” He told me honestly, “But still I have no expectations of it, especially with how things are for you right now. I’m going to leave the ball in your court.”

I struggled to understand what he meant by that so I just stared at him, expecting him to explain more. I didn’t know if that meant he wanted to pursue anything with me, or if it was just a kiss to him. I knew my heart would sink if he didn’t expect something from me. “What does that mean?” I just blurted out.

He looked at me fondly, “I like you Jade, so much. I just don’t want to put any pressure on you. I have feelings for you, I thought it was obvious—but, to me our friendship is far more important than anything else. I guess I’m saying if you’re interested in me, in any kind of way, I’m willing to wait for however long it will take you to feel ready to start something with me.” He paused, “I hope that’s not being too presumptuous.”

I shook my head as if to signify that it wasn’t. He was being amazingly accommodating. I knew that at that moment my head was far too preoccupied with Gaby to be making any wild decisions about my feelings for Michael, but there was something there. I wanted to act on it, and I knew it wasn’t going to go away.

“Thank you.” I said sincerely. He held his arms out to give him a hug. “Your friendship means the most to me, Michael. I’m sorry that I was so closed to you before.”

He smiled, and embraced me warmly. The awkwardness seemed to dissipate pretty fast and we were able to go back to regular conversation. Although, if Michael’s mind was anything like mine, we were both unable to think of anything else but what had happened.

**

We sat in Michael’s off-white Chevrolet in the hospital parking. “Now am I noticeable or not?” he asked as he fit a Yankees cap over his fuzzy head of hair. I gave him over and shook my head. My hands were a little bit shaky. He had offered to come inside with me, to be a hand to hold. I wanted that – in fact, I needed that.

We didn’t want him to be recognized though. It was late, we knew that we could probably dodge people easily, but we didn’t want to be too lazy about it. The last thing Michael needed was the media following him about, and the last thing I needed was to explain to everyone how and why I was hanging with Michael Jackson.

We got out of the car and started heading toward the entryway, the same way as I had left the night before. I didn’t realize it, but I was walking quite a few steps ahead of Michael, who was left back at the car locking up. He jogged with light feet to catch up with me. I felt a cold breeze blow right through the underground car park and I hugged myself, rubbing my arms trying to keep warm. I was trembling, but I knew it wasn’t because of the cold.

With each step, my legs felt heavier as we made our way toward the entry. I barely felt Michael’s protective arms around me, rubbing my shoulders, helping to warm me. He was worried about me, and that should have been enough to warm my heart. But it wasn’t. I was scared that I would still find my beautiful best friend in a drug-induced coma, unresponsive to any treatments.

I molded my body close against Michael’s comfortably without any hesitance or reluctance. I felt as though I wasn’t alone for the first time in so many months. I felt that I had no reason to resist him or be afraid of him, because above all else he was my friend and if he did want more from us, there wasn’t any sick ulterior motives that presented themselves at inappropriate moments.

“You’re shaking…” He remarked gently as he slipped a hand in to mine as we walked a little cautiously down the corridor, avoiding anyone else’s curious glances. Michael kept his head down, which was probably for the best.

“I’m scared.” I admitted. “I hope she’s better.”

I hadn’t thought about what would happen if her parents were there and they caught sight of Michael. I hoped that we could avoid it. I went straight to where I had last seen my best friend the night before. The room was now empty. I felt the tears burning my eyes as they spilled over my cheeks as I assumed the worst.

“Where is she!” I exclaimed loudly. It turned some heads, “Where’s Gabrielle?!” I asked a random nurse walking past.

“It’s okay…” He whispered to me. He sat me down in a hard plastic chair in the corridor. “It’s okay.” He repeated. “Sit here, I’ll go and ask about her. What’s her last name?”

I could barely talk. It was too much for me to handle. While I had been at Michael’s place farting around, my best friend had passed on. What kind of person did that make me? I took deep gasps for air as I tried to come to terms with the fact that I had failed her. As a result she wasn’t here anymore.

“Jade?” Michael prompted me. “It’s okay.” He sort of, crouched a little before me. “Maybe they just moved her.” He kissed my hairline. “I need to know what her last name is.”

“Mannings.” I managed to eject from my lips as I felt the weight of a thousand bricks on top of me. The room swirled and my heart-beat was so hard against my chest. I couldn’t even sob like I knew I wanted to. It was a hard thing to describe, but I was so panicked. The stucco walls that surrounded me felt as though they were closing in, suffocating me and I couldn’t breathe.

Michael promised he would be back in no less than a short minute. He walked with haste to the nurse’s station. I saw him press his finger to his lips, I supposed they recognized him. They served him very promptly and he said thank you very graciously. He walked slowly toward me. I stood up. He hugged me tightly, knowing how desperate I was to know that Gaby was okay. “She was moved, Jade. It’s okay. Come on…”

“She’s okay?” I asked.

“They didn’t say…” He slipped his hand in to mine and pulled me back along a corridor. I wiped my eyes. I felt so stupid for assuming the worst, but I couldn’t help it. Even with the information that she had been moved, I couldn’t help but think that the state of her condition couldn’t have improved too much overnight.

I looked down at the stupid loose jeans I had worn all night. I started thinking of the most random things as we headed toward her new room. I wanted a clean set of clothes. I needed to call my Dad and Mom and explain what the situation was. My Dad was supposed to be coming to my house the next morning.

And for the fucking life of me I couldn’t get the image of how I had found Gaby out of my head. I’m sure that image was burned in there forever and I’m sure it was going to haunt me. If she ever woke up, I wasn’t sure if I could forgive her for what she had put me through.

I felt an instance of anger, a swirl of emotion as we loomed closer that I wasn’t sure it was totally fair of me to be experiencing. I wanted her to be awake. I willed it so hard. I looked to the ground as we entered a ward, hoping that I would look up and see the smiling face of my beautiful best friend, the way she was before she fell in to the sick pattern of self-destruction.

“This is her room…” Michael told me gently as we stood in front of room 17. It was a private room. I dared myself to look up. All I saw were curtains surrounding a bed. I felt him release my hand. “I can wait out here if you like.”

I wanted him with me, but I didn’t want to startle Gabs if she was awake. I didn’t say anything in reply. I passed a nurse who I let Michael explain who I was. I knew that because he was Michael Jackson, I could’ve been the hobo living in the dumpster down the road, and they certainly would not have refused me entry.

I stepped gingerly inside. I could hear machines beeping and making noise. My stomach lurched. I peeped through the curtains and found my best friend with her eyes closed with a thousand kinds of machines all attached to her. I felt the tears begin to gush from my eyes, unrestrained. I looked over and saw Gaby’s Mother sitting, just staring at her daughter with an empty look within her.

She glanced up as I took another step toward Gaby’s bed. She gave me a dark look. “Why are you here, Jade?” She asked me as if she had just shut down emotionally.

Shit, I knew that feeling. I had done that for the past couple of years up until just recently. I’m here to weed the fucking garden, you accusatory dumb fuck. Why am I fucking here…what type of a dumb shit question is that? I knew it wasn’t the time nor the place to act like a wise ass. I ignored her question because the answer was as obvious as the color of the sky.

I took a seat in the plastic chair beside Gab’s bed, wiping the tears that flowed. Her hand lied open on the side of the bed. I scooted the chair closer and rested my elbows on the side of the bed and took her hand.

“Jade, I’d like it if you left us alone.”

I dared to look back up at Gaby’s mother who I was sure always liked me. She was always so sweet to me, always so concerned. I couldn’t believe they clearly still thought I had been in some way responsible for what happened to her.

“If it weren’t for me, Gaby would be still lying in her apartment.” I told her through clenched teeth. “If you want to know what happened call her damn junkie boyfriend.” I spat the words angrily. I was raging on the inside. So many emotions and so little time to process them.

"How dar-"

At that precise moment, I felt Gabrielle’s hand squeeze mine. I gasped and shot my attention back to her laying still, the rest of her body not moving. “She squeezed my hand!” I exclaimed. Gaby’s mother got up and rushed to her side. She caressed her daughter’s head and looked as if she was waiting for her eyes to open.

“Gaby, can you hear me, darling, it’s Mommy.” She said softly. There was no response. I looked desperate at my friend, hoping that she would give us another sign that she could hear us. I squeezed her hand back. “Gaby… please…” I spoke with so much desperation in my voice, begging her almost. “I want you to wake up…” I felt another squeeze of my hand. I looked at her Mom, “She did it again!”

“Stop it, Jade! Stop it at once!” Her mother rose her voice angrily. “Isn’t it enough what you’ve done already? Enough with the charades, Jade! I will not have you coming in here and doing this to us!”

I was mortified and hurt that she couldn’t believe me. I ignored her and turned back to Jade, “Gaby, can you hear me, it’s me, it’s Jadey. I’m here for you now…” I crooned softly. Her mother began raising her voice angrily, but I did my best to ignore her. She was being irrational and out right stupid, and disbelieving that Gaby was responding to me.

“I love you Gab, don’t give up on us, okay?” I spoke quicker as I had a feeling I was about to be kicked out with the way her Mom was beginning to hysterically yell at me. “Gaby, please show us a sign that you’re awake… I know you can hear me.” There was another squeeze of my hand. Happy tears ran down my face as a nurse entered the room demanding to know what was going on.  “Gaby you can’t leave us now… I have so much to tell you. You’d be so proud of me.” I smiled through my tears.

“What’s going on in here?”

“She’s responding to me. She’s squeezing my hand.” I told the nurse with excitement.

“Please make her leave. She’s being a nuisance. Make her leave.” Gaby’s Mom pleaded.

“I’m sorry.” The nurse looked at me with apology.

“She’s squeezing my hand!” I exclaimed again as if it should have meant something. “She’s responding! I’m her friend. I haven’t done anything wrong!” I said, beside myself with a feeling of resentment and joy and desperation all at the same time. It was so damn fucking dizzying.

“She’s lying! I don’t know why she’s doing this. But she’s lying. Gaby hasn’t moved an inch.”

“She has! Come and touch her hand!” I insisted.

“GET OUT!” Ms. Mannings shouted so loud that it echoed through the ward. Gaby’s hand fell from mine. I was certain that it hadn’t been because I’d let go. I hadn’t. I burst in to a sob as I didn’t need anymore telling. I left. The nurse followed me out. Michael had heard it all. In fact, so did everyone else.

I walked down the corridor, walking so fast that Michael had to speed after me. I didn’t want him to see me break down again. I was humiliated that no one believed me that Gaby had been responding. I felt so fucking stupid. Maybe I had imagined it? No. It was real. We got to the car and I waited for Michael to unlock my door. I was choking back sobs. “Jade…” He said  quietly as he came to me. My fingers were perched on the door handle. He touched my shoulder. “Jade…” He repeated. He guided me to turn around to face him. “It’s going to be okay.” He told me with a hint of an encouraging smile.

“She squeezed my hand, Michael. Five times.” He looked me in the eyes as I sobbed out my words. My vision was extremely blurred and I was so worked up. “And they didn’t believe me, but it happened!” I told him with almost the same exasperation that I’d shown the nurse.

He nodded.

“It’s true!” I told him, scared that he too thought I was going crazy. I stopped, and dropped my glance from his face down to the ground. “The second her Mom started laying in to me about all this fucking crap that I supposedly did, she started squeezing my hand like she was showing me her support!”

I wasn’t sure why he didn’t say anything but I took it as his silent sceptisism. “Fuck.” I cursed, running my fingers through my tied back hair that had kept falling in my face… “Maybe it was my imagination. I’m probably going crazy.”

I admitted defeat almost.

“You’re not crazy at all, Jade. I believe you. I think that’s amazing. That’s hope.” He said sincerely.

There was never room in my mind to doubt anything Michael told me, because this man knew only how to speak from his heart.

“You think so?” I asked softly. I hated those clingy girls who attached themselves to the hips of their boyfriends and I was aware that I was acting the same way, but I didn’t care.

“Of course I do.” He replied. He went to kiss my cheek, but I purposely caught it with my lips. Man, his lips felt amazing against mine. I had completely forgotten how it felt to experience a sensation of physical affection between a guy and a girl.

The kiss lingered briefly until he pulled away. He wiped my eyes with his forefingers and gave me another brief soft kiss and stroked my hair. It felt so good to have someone. Words couldn’t even begin to describe just how right it felt.

Gaby had always been telling me how I needed to let up a little, let a guy get to know me. She assured me that I had so much to offer, but I was just too closed up. I knew she would be so proud of me for opening up my heart. I made a vow that when she got better I was going to be the best friend she had ever had, and I was going to be there for her the way she had been for me. The kind of support that I never really knew realized I had until I thought about it carefully.

Michael unlocked the passenger door for me and waited until I got in and closed it. He got in and looked at me. “Do you want me to take you home?” He asked.

I nodded, it had been such a long day. All I wanted to do was to fall in to bed and cry. As he shifted the gears I looked down at his large hands that had tenderly held mine, that had cupped my cheeks within them and I covered it with my own. He looked at me, and lifted his hand, allowing me to thread my fingers through his. His smile reached me and warmed me right through. We didn’t need to say anything to one another. We already understood what the situation was.