Sitting in the tiny pink lounge, air streamed down from the vent above tickling my neck and the silence reverberated through my room piercing my heart.

Was I ready for this? 

Michael's flight was due in sometime today, and my nerves were shot from the anticipation.   My entire morning had felt chaotic and out of control since he hadn't been able to tell me what time he would be arriving.  

It was hard to get anything done.

 Currently taking a break from meeting with my manager and the studio to finalize track selections and my schedule I was having a very difficult time focusing on my work and couldn't keep my thoughts from wandering back to Michael and his impending arrival. 

Our entire relationship had been completely redefined.  Where would that leave us now?

Our conversations this week on the phone had been brief and awkward and everything still felt completely off kilter even with us both attempting to try and move on. Dressed in a pair of dark skinny jeans and a soft black sweater, I nervously brushed a hand against my stomach and sat on the plush cashmere cream and pink striped bench in the center of the room.

Why couldn't I just push past all of this and move on?

Because I didn't want too...

I had always known the answer to my question in my heart and as much as I didn't want to admit it I couldn't let go and just try to move on because I was desperate for some sort of sign that I had been wrong.  The relationship I had with Michael had been everything I had ever been looking for and more.  It seemed like a pipe dream, like a fairy tale that had no possibility of coming to life but it was all that I wanted.  All that I could think about.

How had we gotten here?

Never in my wild imagination would I have ever envisioned being in the situation we were in right now.  It was so surreal...so completely out of the realm of my understanding.  It wasn't that like he was a total stranger I had only known for a few months. I had known him my entire life and if you had asked me if he could or would ever betray anyone or intentionally hurt them I'd have told you that you were insane.  He had never had that in him. I had seen so many people grow cold and selfish but never Michael. Fame had never changed him...he'd always been a kind and loving person.  Someone that would put everything they wanted on hold to enrich someone else's life.  It was hard to envision that same man risking everything that we had built like that.

My mind couldn't seem to lift from the whirlwind of confusion and everyone in my life had a completely different opinion about what had happened. I was finding absolutely zero clarity trying to sort through all of their outlooks. 

just couldn't wrap my mind around him cheating.

A knock on the door interrupted my thoughts and I turned and watched the door open tentatively. 

"Lexi?"

Jane, my manager, stuck her head around the door and peered at me beneath her large dark rimmed glasses.  Giving me a smile she motioned with her hand for me to come with her.

"I think we're ready for you again."

"Thanks."

Jane smiled and closed the door again.  Inhaling a breath I stood and slid my hands down my jeans.

Whatever I was feeling or thinking, I was going to have to table them for now.

___________________________________________________________________________________


 "So tell me, when did you know you wanted to go into music?"

Gia, the reporter I was being interviewed by, peered at me questioningly in a large overstuffed chair, and I shifted awkwardly on the dark blue loveseat across from her and adjusted my hair.  Shooting a glance over to Jane, Jane peered over at me encouragingly and I begrudgingly turned back to look at the reporter.

This could not get over quickly enough.

I still wasn't sure what time Michael would be here, and as soon as we had finished up at Sony Jane had mentioned the interview I was currently doing and rushed me over here. I was a bit irritated she hadn't mentioned anything about it to me before, especially since today I was a train wreck of emotions.

Still, at least it was keeping me distracted until he got here.

"It was really just a hobby..." I finally started, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear.  Crossing my legs I reached forward and clasped them both with my arms.  "Writing helped me deal with my emotions.. It wasn't until..."

Until I broke up with Michael and needed to find some way to be independent.

I stopped myself before I said anything else, and I cleared my throat to try and change the subject.

"How much longer is this going to take?"

Gazing at me quizzically, Gia arched an eyebrow and pressed the small recorder closer to me.  Her long, red fingernails tapping against the small black device impatiently I knew she would eventually circle back around to the same question and inwardly I groaned. 

I was not in the mood to talk about Michael or my relationship with him. 

"I'm not sure. Probably at least another hour."

Shrugging my shoulders nonchalantly in reply, I titled my head to the side and listened for her next question.  Long auburn curls tumbling down over her shoulders, Gia ‘s brow was puckered in concentration and she scribbled something down on her notepad.   

"Now...about your relationship with Michael Jackson..."

Was she serious?  It was like she had read my thoughts.  She was headed into dangerous territory. 

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes and forced myself to smile politely. 

"We're still really good friends."

Michael?

Michael's voice filled the room suddenly and my eyes widened and my entire body jolted to attention hearing the soft lilting inflexion.  Turning my head to look towards the doorway I saw him standing a few yards away dressed in a black leather coat and matching pants. He looked amazing, as usual, and just the sight of him flipped my heart inside out.  I soaked him in, carefully absorbing every detail, and I noticed the same tension in his features I had seen mirrored in my own all morning. His dark brown eyes searching the room, Michael's eyes settled over onto me appraisingly and I shifted uncomfortably under his stare.

What was he doing here? I wasn't even ready to talk about him...how was I going to manage being with him?

"Mr. Jackson?"

Reaching up to run a hand through his hair nervously, Michael crossed the room until he was only a few feet away from the couch and gave both of us a hesitant smile.

"H-hey..." I whispered breaking the moment.

Michael's face softened a bit, and he mouthed the words back to me and returned my smile. 

"Mr Jackson...I had no idea you were going to be here. What a pleasant surprise."

Both of our heads turned to look in Gia's direction, and she stopped her recorder and motioned towards the loveseat I was on.

"Why don't you take a seat next to Lexi and you can join us?"

A seat next to me? 

The scent of Michael's cologne filled my nostrils and it felt intoxicating and frightening at the same time as the mountain of emotions that had been rolling within me heightened and came crashing in around me. Feeling the intensity of our connection, and the power of my desire consume me all at once a deep sense of foreboding knocked me off kilter heightening my discomfort.

 "Okay, thanks."

Michael's long strides were accompanied by the jingle of the silver buckles on the thighs of his pants and my heart lurched traitorously with every move he made.  Moving closer to the arm rest so that Michael would have plenty of room to sit down I watched Michael adjust the black fingerless gloves on his hands and take a seat next to me.  A soft click made me glance up and I saw Gia press play on her recorder again and scribble down something in her notebook.  Her eyes darting between both of us, I sensed that our conversation was getting ready to head back into Michael and I's relationship and my chest tightened with anxiety. 

"And how is it you both have maintained a relationship after everything that has happened?"

Michael and I both shifted uncomfortably on the couch, and I glanced down at my dark brown riding boots.  Pressing my foot deeper into the plush ivory carpeting I forced myself not to give into my irritation. 

I hated people prying into our private life...especially people that understood what was going even less than we did. 

I turned and looked at Michael and saw him leaning back against the couch.  His eyes strained, silently I wondered how many additional hours he had worked in the last few days to make this visit a reality and a renewed appreciation for him sparked inside me.  He had to be the hardest working man I knew.  Stretching his arms above his head, Michael linked his hands behind his head and stretched his long frame out on the couch.  His dark blue shirt lying against his muscular abdomen, I saw the contours of his chest beneath the material and my arms ached to wrap my arms tightly around him and lay my head against him.

"We were friends long before all of this started." I finally replied, forcing my focus away from Michael.  Turning to look ahead I saw Gia's eyes narrow in concentration and I reached up to brush a stray hair from my eyes.   "We are trying to get that back."

Gia gave a dismissive look in my direction, and my hand halted in surprise seeing her turn to look at Michael without even a word in response. 

What was that about and what was her problem?

"Don't you feel guilty coming around her after everything that transpired?"

Was she serious?

I heard Michael cough awkwardly beside me, and I tried to fight the overprotective urge that welled up in me.

Why was I even this upset she was questioning him?

Clenching my arms to my sides, I turned to look over at Michael and saw him staring out the window to the right of us.  I knew from the look on his face the question had upset him...and it made me angry knowing that Gia had taken advantage of Michael's surprise presence to question him down about the paternity results.

He wasn't here to answer questions like that...he was here to work on our relationship.

I still didn't know where Michael and I stood, or would eventually end up, but years of past history made me feel a sense of loyalty to him even though I knew it shouldn't.   I snapped my fingers to get Gia's attention shifted back over to me.

"Michael has a lot of good qualities" I answered again, sighing impatiently.  "Which is why we are trying to work through this."

Gia's eyebrows shot up in surprise, and her eyes narrowed challengingly. "But he cheated on you, and lied."

"There's a lot more to it than people realize."

Michael interrupted me before I had a chance to say anything, and I looked over at him in surprise.  His jaw locked firmly in place, Michael's eyes flashed protectively.

 "How so?" She said indignantly.  "You have a son."

"I-"

"You cheated and lied-"

Michael's mouth opened wide in surprise and he stared incredulously. "Now wait a second."

"Are you paying Lexi off to be seen with you for publicity purposes?"

Okay.  This woman was out of her mind if she thought we were going to sit here through this.

"That's it. I'm done."  My eyes flashed furiously, hearing the constant accusation and condemnation in her tone and I slipped off the couch and turned around to look at Michael.   Staring up at me in surprise, Michael's lips were parted slightly and I reached a hand towards him.

"Let's go."

"Lex? I can handle this."

"Lets. Go."

I couldn't stand seeing the wounded look in Michael's eyes anymore and I had a feeling if I sat here through any more of her questions I was going to be in the magazines for an entirely different reason.

Michael's hand slid into mine and I felt the cool leather against my palm as he got to his feet.  Motioning over to our bodyguards that we were ready to leave Michael and I walked wordlessly around the couch and headed towards the exit.   It only took a few moments for them to get us out the doors and down the hall and both Michael and I walked silently together, still holding hands until we were in the car.

"After you ."

Michael's hand slipped from mine as the limo door opened and I felt the ache of his hand being pulled away from mine as I got into the car and slid against the cool black leather bench.  Wrapping my arms tightly around myself I leaned back against the seat and my irritation settled back into nerves feeling Michael so close.  Turning my head to look at him I watched the door slam closed behind him and Michael glanced over at me curiously.
 
"What?" I asked.

Michael studied my face for a moment and then nodded his head no and turned to look out the window.  His reaction confused me and I reached up and brushed my hand against his arm.

"Michael? What's wrong?"

Michael's eyes never left the window, but I saw the inner turmoil reflected in his expression and the stiff posturing of his shoulders.  Knowing that if I waited long enough he' d finally tell me what he was thinking I waited expectantly for him to say something and it was only a few moments later he shrugged uncomfortably and looked down.

"Why are you defending me if you don't believe me?" He mumbled, keeping his eyes trained to the floor. 

. "Because I want to believe you..."

The words slipped from my lips in a fervent whisper before I realized what I had said and Michael's face reflected the same surprise my own did when he glanced up and looked at me.

"Lex...?"

Unaswered questions danced in his eyes, but I pretended like I didn't notice and looked away.  Focusing my gaze on the tinted glass window separating us from the front, I heard Michael clear his throat.

"Then why can't you?"

Michael's words fell upon my ears in the same reverent tone I had used a moment ago and the hurt and confusion laced into each word made me recoil internally. Swallowing back a lump in my throat, I listened to the music playing overhead from the radio and I shook my head "no".

"It's not that easy."

"Isn't it?"

Michael's voice sounded pained, and it made my throat close tighter.

"Dang it Lexi why not?"

Confusion and frustration rose up in my chest, and I reached up and rubbed my temples to the ease the pounding in my head.

"Listen...Michael if we are going to try and be friends we can't keep bringing this up."

"I will never stop bringing this up."

  I looked over to him, stunned.    "...I thought you were moving on?"

The lines of aggravation that had been in Michael's face only a moment before softened, and Michael scooted closer to me and cupped my face in his hands.

"My heart wasn't in it."

"...I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive you or believe you."

Michael's eyes flickered painfully, but he forced it back and rubbed his thumb along my cheek.

"I know... that I would probably be in the same position if it were me. " Michael inhaled a deep sigh and looked away from me for a moment. "In all honesty I don't know if I'd believe you either.  It hurts...that you won't try to-"

"I am trying..."

Michael's eyes flashed understanding as he looked back to me, and sliding his hand from my cheek up to my temple Michael swallowed.  "Okay...fair enough.  I wouldn't be here visiting if you weren't trying." Michael searched my eyes.  "I just wish things could be okay again."

"Me too..."

His fingers caressed the sides of my face and my breath hitched.  Closing my eyes I inhaled his scent and Michael's hands slid from my face as he pressed himself up against me tightly and slid his arms around my waist. Being up against his chest I felt the tears I had been suppressing all day finally slip from my eyes down to my cheeks and I grieved for the relationship we had both lost and were looking to find again. 

"I want to be able to..." I said through my tears, sniffling.  "But every time I do I see you in my mind with Megan and..."

"We'll take it one day at a time."