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My last check-up round is done.
It is almost 2300. I am tired. Working as a nurse in the hospital at the children department is great, but the shifts are killing me! Especially the nights are draining my energy. With shortage of staff I have to work overtime, extra days or nights. Its getting to me, I get irritated, at everybody and everything. Am I overworked? A mental breakdown?
I love my job and taking care of the sick kids, but lately I am thinking of something more special or private, I don't know what, but I am searching for other kinds of jobs. Maybe out of my town too.
I am scared of taking a big step or something out of my comfortzone.

I am on the edge. Also with a ex who is still creeping me out!
Its been a half year since I had the nerve to walk away from him.
He abused me for a long time. The common thread in my life...
Regularly I had to put a lot of make-up on my face to cover up the bruises. Anita, my friend and collegue, is the only one who knows what was happening. After I ended up in the hospital with two broken fingers, she helped me to escape the toxic relationship by taking me in her home.
Dave threatened us, broke her window, screamed to kill me...he was so angry...and I was so scared...
Finally the police listened to us and Dave was arrested when he was banging the door with a hammer. He did some time in jail, but he is out already.
I managed to get my own apartment, soon he knew how to find me. I got him a restraining order, but I am looking behind my shoulder at all times. I know he is around. I have a feeling he is waiting for the right moment to strike. Taking his revenge. I am never at ease out in the open.

“Stefani, are you coming to do the handover for the nightshift,” Anita asked, getting me out of my thoughts.
I followed her to our nurse room. Together with the other nurses we spoke about the children and what needs to be done that night.
After they went off to do their job, Anita offered me a coffee.

“How are you doing Stef, are you still looking for another job?”she asked.
“I am, but I just don't know what I want anymore, I mean, I love it here, you guys are great, my job is fulfilling me and I want to continue working with children but man, those shifts...I am not build to work nights and different days, I want steady days...preferably only daytime.”
“I know what you mean,”Anita sighed, it is good money though, that is why I am still here, and it's ok for me, my boyfriend is helping me out, also with my child, so I am fine for now. I was thinking the other day; won't you like to work for a family with a child who needs care?”
“Hmm, I think that is too boring for me, I do need to stay busy, and I also would like to do paperwork, coordinate things, a whole package... I will bumb into something, it is hard to get a job these days but I will keep my eyes open.

“What about Dave, did you see him around or is he bothering you?”
“I thought I saw him yesterday, but you know, I am seeing ghosts perhaps. I bought pepperspray. I know I am not suppose to have it on me, but if he ever touch me or come near me again I will use it! Im just so nervous by myself. He really ruined my life. And he is not the only one.”
Tears are welling up. I try to hold them back and swallow the lump in my throat.
“Oh girl, come here!” She gives me a tight hug. “Cry if you need, let it all out, don't hold back.”
“I don't want to cry, I am so tired of it all, I want to feel free and be able to live without fear!”
“I know...have a break, let's go out tomorrow evening, see a movie!”
“Fine. If you pick me up?”
“Ofcourse I will, I will be there around eight, okay?”
We hugged goodbye and I took the elevator to the garage.

I need to get my shit back together. No man for me no more, they are all the same. I am not gonna get hurt again. Come on Stef, trying to lift my spirit up, you are strong enough, you are in control.

I get the shivers down in the garage. I have a ominous feeling.
As I walk towards my car, which is all the way in the back, I hear footsteps.
I looked behind me but nobody is there. Don't be a stupid ass, I thought to myself, just walk.
Again...footsteps...I started to walk faster, I am not a fool, I do hear it clear.
The footsteps are closing in.
While walking I took my keys and pepperspray out of my purse.
I am starting to run now. Almost near my car... My keys dropped on the floor, with trembling hands I grabbed them.
“Hey, stop stop,” I hear behind me.
I try to open the car door, then a hand is touching my shoulder.
I screamed out loud, turned around and spray the bottle everywhere.
“Aaaaah, my eyes, my eyes!! the guy grabbed his face and a package fell on the floor.
You stupid bitch, he yelled, what is wrong with you!!”
I looked at him. It is our intern.
“What the fuck are you following me for, dumb ass! You scared the hell out of me!!”
“You forgot your present from a girl's parents. I was so kind to think I should give it to you. But I get this for a thank you, holy shit woman!!”
“I am sorry, let me see your eyes.”
He pushed me away.
“No!! I am ok, you sprayed most of it on my hair. Man oh man....you are really crazy...He walked off, rubbing his eyes. “Stupid woman, goddamn shithead”, he was mumbling walking towards the elevators.
My heart was pounding in my chest, I manage to open the door and got in the car, locking the doors behind me. Shit, I am shaking all over. I am getting angry with myself, to let it get to me again.
I looked in the mirror, I see my eyes wide open, like a deer in headlights.
With roaring screams I start hitting the steering wheel.
This anger and fear have to stop, I need to take some actions. I do not want to live my life like this anymore, I am fed up with this fucked up life. Everytime bad things coming back to me...why...why... It needs to change, otherwise I don't know how long I can keep on going.
I take some deep breaths, start the car and drive out, tears running down my face.
Chapter End Notes:
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