Chapter 70

It felt a little like déjà vu as Malania and I stepped out of our car. The fans waiting outside of the courthouse caused pandemonium. They cheered for my innocence so loud that we could barely hear much else.

I couldn’t help but to feel incredibly irate and blindsided when a car behind my parents pulled up. “Who’s that?” I asked, leaning over to speak to Greg. I suspected it was more of his legal team.

“Your family?” he glanced at me almost quizzically as if I should have known. Instantly, I felt heaviness in the pit of my stomach. I drew in a deep breath and tried to shoo it away. They were there for me; they wanted to support me. Surely they couldn’t have been so selfish so as to be there for their own hairball schemes.

I felt guilty for jumping to the worst conclusions.

“Mal,” I smiled through gritted teeth, “you’re about to meet members of my family. I’m apologizing in advance.”

Surprisingly, she chuckled. “Nothing I can’t handle, don’t worry.”

Despite her words, I felt her hand slip in to mine. I gave it a squeeze. I was so proud to have her with me just as I had been the first time. She looked beautiful with her hair swept right back off of her face and in to a bun. The dress I had bought for her was perfect. It accentuated all of the right areas and flattered her in every way.

It made me laugh to see how she was able to switch from grunge to a classic look so easily and was able to make both looks suit her so well.

I saw my mother get out of the car and I remembered how frustrated I’d been with her the last that I’d seen her; how rude she’d been to Malania and how I decided I wouldn’t put up with it anymore. Joseph got out too. My Dad took my mother’s hand and placed it on the inside of his elbow and together they walked slowly at her pace toward us.

I could see behind their car that Jermaine and Jackie were getting out of the their own. I couldn’t help but to smile to see that everyone was wearing white. Mother must have passed on the memo.

Well, everyone except my father, but that didn’t surprise me.

“Hi Mother,” I greeted her, kissing her cheek and giving my father a polite hug which was more like a pat on each other’s backs.

“Hi Sweetheart,” she greeted me back, she smiled tightly at Malania who, to her credit, acted genuine, as though nothing had happened between them. “Hello Malania,”

“Hello Mrs. Jackson, good to see you again under better circumstances.”

Malania leaned over as my mother hesitated to give her a hug. I knew it was awkward for them.

My father smirked at me as if he shared in the awkwardness of the situation. “Nice to see you again, I hear you’re taking real good care of my son,” he remarked, lifting his eyes away from her to give me a wink.

“Um, sure,” she smiled, “Nice to see you too Mr. Jackson.”

My brothers came over to us. I hadn’t seen Jackie in a long time. He smiled at me and almost bear hugged me. It was a tight, warm hug, much more genuine and sincere than my fathers. It made me realize that he was truly there to support me.

In my experience, some of my brothers were better than the others. Jackie was probably the kindest to me because of our age difference. He had always been the brother who would calm me down on tour, who acted as the one to enforce discipline when my father was off with another woman and nothing had really changed much except the fact that I had created distance him and I after we all went our separate ways.

“How you doin’ Mike?” he asked me, breaking away from me finally, “you hangin’ in there?”

I nodded, “Yeah, I’m good, thank you for coming, you’re looking good.”

He smiled, “you too, all things considered.”

All things; the suicide attempt, the cutting, the overdosing, the allegations – I was a fallen star, the media kept telling me so.

“Who’s your special lady?” he wondered, nodding to Malania who Jermaine had already honed in on. He leaned closer to my ear, “be careful…”

I knew he was referring to Jermaine. I reached back for Malania’s hand, “Mal,” I interrupted, “I want you to meet Jackie… my eldest brother.”

Malania pulled her attention from Jermaine, “Hi Jackie, nice to meet you,” She leaned forward and hugged my brother politely.

I waved to Jermaine, I didn’t really feel like engaging with Jermaine, I just wanted to concentrate on keeping him away from Malania. When I saw him, all I could think about was the stupidity of him telling people that I was gay so that I might be able to seem more innocent.

He had since revoked his stories and made out as if the press had misquoted him, but the damage was kind of already done.

I knew in his stupid demented mind, he was only trying to help – but I wished that my family could put their heads together and share their brain cells every now and then before speaking on behalf of me.

“Nice to meet you too, I’ve heard a lot about you,” he remarked as if he were implying that I had told him all about her. I hadn’t. He had probably heard a lot from my mother. I almost rolled my eyes.

I grabbed for Malania’s hand again as she forced a smile.

“C’mon, we better go in, we don’t want to be late.” Greg swooped in before anything got too awkward. I followed him and Sharon through. Despite the fact that I’d never really got along with her, Greg insisted that she was a vital part to his team. I accepted that.

We walked inside the courthouse and I could feel heaviness setting in; a feeling of impending doom. I was a little bit frightened about having to see Diane face-to-face again. I didn’t like her outburst at the arraignment and I didn’t want to have to encounter it again.

I stood with my arms out in a ‘T’ as the security checked me out with a metal detector; one-by-one he let us through, thanking us as we were checked. I waited for the guard to wave Malania over with the detector. She regarded me with a smile. She reached out for my hand.

We waited patiently for the rest of my family and walked in together. Mal, my family, the legal team and I filed in. I was relieved to see that Diane hadn’t arrived yet.

“You’ll sit here…” Greg told me, motioning to the desk in front of a divider where Malania and my family were to be left to sit. I was a little disappointed. I wanted to sit with Mal. I realized that she was also disappointed.

“Is Malania allowed to sit beside me too?” I asked curiously.

He shook his head, “Sorry Mike, just us… she’ll be right behind you,” he turned around and nodded toward the bench. “Your parents and your brothers will be right there as well, and obviously if we take a break, you can mingle with everyone,” he explained as if it were a party.

I drew in a deep breath slowly to help calm my nerves. We stood around awkwardly waiting for everyone to arrive. My family had already taken their seats, I still hadn’t let go of Malania. We stood to the side to allow everyone to move past us.

“I should probably go sit, Michael…” she murmured. We felt many pairs of eyes on us. I felt myself shaking a little; I couldn’t help being nervous.

“I don’t want to sit…” I whispered back. I could feel myself backing in to the wall. Suddenly the white outfits felt stupid and gimmicky – cheesy and contrived. I just took a deep breath again, trying to keep my anxiety at bay.

I looked around the courtroom and saw that Diane had arrived. Her eyes were lowered and she was being guided to the left side of the courtroom beside Sheldon, the prosecutor who had been spreading malicious bullshit about me in the media.

“I can’t breathe.” I admitted to my girlfriend who’s back was to the rest of the room. I withdrew from the rest of our surroundings and concentrated on her clear, brown eyes.

“Michael, take a deep breath. You’ve got this,” she whispered, “you’re going to be fine. Day-by-day, alright?” she added.

I nodded and did as she said. I took a deep breath. “I’m going to get through this.”

She smiled weakly at me and nodded, “yes we are; together.”

It helped; if only just a slight bit. She followed my eyes over to the prosecution benches. “Diane is here, isn’t she?” she wondered.

I nodded again. “I don’t want her to yell at me again.”

Malania shrugged. “It just makes her look more unhinged.”

Honestly, regardless of what was said about me and what she believed about me, I didn’t want her to be hurt. I didn’t want a future with her anymore and I was incredibly hurt by her actions, but I didn’t like to see her in pain.

“I love you…” I told her, changing the subject. “Thanks for being here – I didn’t have any idea my brothers were going to show up.”

“I love you too. Don’t apologise for your family; goodness knows, I’ve not yet apologized for mine,” she smiled.

I leaned forward, placing my hands upon her hips and kissed her lips gently. “Okay, Greg is motioning for me to come take a seat…” she glanced back over her shoulder and gave my lawyer a nod.

“You’ll do fine,” she told me, “just remember I’m right behind you; feel my energy or some shit…”

I managed a laugh. “Okay baby… give me a hug.”

She obliged me and slid her arms around me. I embraced her warmly, closing my eyes tightly, not wanting to let go. She was practically radiating her confidence in me. I needed that.

“Love you,” she murmured. I kissed her cheek and repeated her. I let go of her hand so that she would slip on to the bench behind the partition. My mother moved her legs so that Mal could sit right behind me where I wanted her to be.

**

Pictorial and forensic evidence, home videos and written documents would apparently be enough to prove my guilt. Oh, and witnesses who could corroborate the accusations that were made.

“Bring them forward,” Greg wrote on a note that he slid to me. “Don’t worry, they don’t have any witnesses that we need to be concerned with. It sounds more salacious than it really is.”

I managed to tune out a lot of the details. I rolled my eyes a lot and clenched my fists and felt a blinding, unfiltered rage when Sheldon, the D.A promised unflinchingly that the forensic evidence would be damning. I focused on counting to ten over and over and over just so as I could ward off the anxiety that was stirring in the pit of my gut.

Once the D.A had rested, Greg got up and adjusted his tie. He grabbed a file and made his way around to the front, standing before the 12 jurors that filled the benches to the right of the courtroom closest to the D.A and Diane.

I avoided looking at her. She was alone and there was no sign of the woman that I had assumed was her mother. I hated that she was alone and probably frightened of the entire process.

She’d made her own bed though and every moment that my mind weakened, I had to remind myself of that.

“There is no doubt in my mind that Michael—“ he said my name rather than my surname because it made me more personal, he told me, more personal and more relatable than ‘Mr. Jackson’. “that Michael is unequivocally innocent,” he paced before the jury before grabbing on to the banister that separated him from us, “in fact, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, “by the end of this trial and after you’ve seen all this alleged ‘evidence’,” he made air quotes above his head, “that the prosecution have promised, you will all agree with me.”

“Pictorial evidence, forensic evidence?” he threw the question out rhetorically and let it suspend in the air for a few moments and looked over to me and shrugged before turning back to the jury, “if they think they have it, then let ‘em bring it forward, let us see it because what I believe is that just like all the tabloid headlines about this case, the mere suggestion of evidence is more sensational than the actual details.”

He let go of the banister and walked past Diane and the D.A and stood before me at my bench. “Michael Jackson … the very name conjures up excitement, the man, I am going to admit is an enigma, he is a household name. Imagine the excitement the complainant must have felt upon receiving attention from the man himself. Imagine her relief when Mr. Jackson pursued a relationship with her!” he exclaimed.

I started to shrink in my seat. I didn’t think that Diane used me. I didn’t truly believe that it was her intention to seek my money – only comfort. I felt bad for playing dirty, but she was playing dirty too. Everyone told me she had been using me for money and I really lacked the judgment in that area.

“Her daughter was sick, she was on her own, she was partially estranged from any family support. Michael Jackson falling in to her life by sheer luck – wow…” he shook his head wistfully and dramatically, “what a relief.”

I looked at my hands, feeling terrible.

“Throughout the course of this trial, you will get to hear all of the evidence that the prosecution is going to bring forward to make Michael look as though he has committed the unspeakable and then immediately after, you will hear us bat all these allegations straight down without any effort.

“In addition to that, you’re going to hear a complicated but factual relationship between woman, man and child. Ladies and gentleman, you are going to hear things that will surprise you. You will hear from witnesses who will attest to having put their children in to Michael’s constant care, who will and have continued to trust him alone with their children since these allegations broke.

This trial is going to bring to light some things that perhaps Ms. Hargrove didn’t want you to know, perhaps that Mr. Jackson didn’t want you to know about their lives, but nevertheless this trial will bring to light the truth to this ongoing circumstance.

“My client, Mr. Jackson … Michael is innocent. Casey Hargrove stole my clients heart with her plight, suffering from what seems like a never-ending battle with cancer. Whether her mother was conscious of it or not, she exploited her child to get what she needed from my client: money, comfort, the best medical attention available anywhere in the world, even a designer baby.”

I knew Greg was going to do it. I gave him the permission to do it, but to hear it out loud made me shrink in to myself.

I didn’t want the world to know about the child I had yet to grieve for, but I also didn’t want the world to think that I was interested in children and that I was capable of harming Casey – or any other child who was practically a baby.

I heard Diane gasp from where she sat just a few feet away from me and I saw the D.A whispering frantically in to her ear. It was my bet she kept our child a buried secret. If she truly believed that I harmed Casey, then I could understood the sickness that she would have felt at knowing she almost gave birth to my child.

Nevertheless, regardless of how many people – if any—were to blame. My relationship with Diane and Casey was a heartbreaking story and there was no doubt in my mind that it was taking its toll on Diane too.

It was frustrating and borderline torturous to want to reach out to her; to Casey. I wanted to make it better as was my usual instinct.

Diane’s head was in her hands and I was sure that she was crying. I swallowed the lump in my own throat and felt like neither of us were going to win regardless of the outcome.

I barely listened to the rest of the opening argument. I knew Greg’s only interest was saving me from jail so he would be as ruthless as he needed to be. I understood, I did love Casey still, but I also loved my freedom and I wasn’t going to compromise that at any cost, especially considering I was innocent.

I felt so torn.

Court finished just after midday. We waited for everyone to leave first before we decided to. We wanted to allow the public seating and Diane’s team to leave first so that I wouldn’t have to encounter anyone.

Soon there was just the hum of all the professionals leaving and my family mulling awkwardly around, letting Greg and Sharon chat for a moment before she left too, wheeling behind her cases of files which scared me a little. How many files about me could there possible be?

Malania didn’t hesitate or wait. She edged past Jackie and threaded through my parents and made her way over to me. I glanced at her. I wasn’t sure of my expression; if they could all read that I felt heartbroken over what had become of what I still looked upon as a good part of my life.

She gave me a weak smile as Greg made his way to us. I absently put my arm around Mal’s waist and drew her closer. My family began to crowd us, drawing closer and crossing past the banister that had separated us all morning.

“How do you think that went?” Greg asked me, adjusting his black-framed glasses that looked a little like wayfarers.

I shrugged, “I don’t know man, you’re the one who does this for a living…”

He chuckled. “Michael, I’m looking after you, you know that right?” he asked me. I knew he could pick up on my despondency.

I nodded as I felt Malania leaning her head against my shoulder as if her silent way of comforting me.

“I know that…” my voice trailed off. So much of what I wanted to say was unspoken. I wasn’t sure my parents would have picked up on the hint at Diane’s pregnancy to me. I knew I would have to tell them, I didn’t want them to be the last to know. It wasn’t fair for them to find out that their son had lost a child.

My mother would have understood, she’d lost a child herself.

“Are you alright though?” he asked me, just checking, glancing briefly at my parents behind me. I felt an affectionate pat on the back from my father which was surprising but welcomed.

“Yes, I’m just tired, I’d really like to go home and regroup.” I told Greg.

“Okay, we’ll debrief in the morning, I’ll be at Neverland at around 8am,” he told me.

I could have groaned. I hated little things more than early mornings. I was usually falling in to a deep sleep finally, by that time. I simply nodded.

We meandered around a bit and I put on a brave face for my brothers and my parents. I was glad that it was over when we got in to our respective cars. My brothers said that they would be there the next day for me as well. I didn’t particularly care at that point, I just wanted to get home and go to bed and sleep off the awfulness of what had taken place. It was surreal. I couldn’t begin to fathom that my life was going to turn in to a courtroom drama.

**

I felt relief hit me as we closed the doors behind us. I felt safe and the anxiety that had been on the very surface of my skin seemed to dissipate.

“Do you want to talk about today?” Malania asked me carefully.

 I shook my head. I didn’t really feel like talking about anything with her because whatever I wanted to say, she was going to negate it by telling me that Greg had done the right thing.

No doubt that my freedom was more important than my sadness with what had come of my relationship with Diane: my friend first and my partner second.

I just felt like I had compromised everything that I stood for.

I felt her hands resting upon my waist and I couldn’t help but step away from her. “Michael?”

I turned to face her. She seemed alarmed by what I was sure she would receive as me rejecting her. I didn’t have the energy to allay her insecurities.

“Sorry,” I murmured, “I just don’t feel like talking about it. I think I just need to process for awhile.”

“Don’t shut me out…” she replied, pouting.

“I’m not.” I insisted, feeling irate that I had to always honor her request to have time to herself, though if I did it, she freaked out. “I just need to go for a walk and get some air.”

Malania gave me a reproachful stare. “Michael, just talk to me…” she insisted, a little petulantly.

“Can’t you handle it?” I asked accusingly, “just me having dealing with my own problem for the moment? This isn’t easy for me, I’m sorry if you feel like you’re being ignored, but jeez… let me be.”

“Are you kidding?” she spat at me. “I know you’re hurting but there’s no need to insult me!” she exclaimed with frustration. “Go then, run away from me each time you are dealing with your problems, but don’t expect me to always open my heart up to you.”

I ignored her. I knew my words were going to hurt, but I didn’t care. I just wanted to be alone.

I wasn’t going to let her get away with it. Maybe it was childish, maybe I was being unfair – but I hated double standards. “What about every single damn morning when you sneak off to have your ‘melt down’ time?” I snapped. “I never say anything! I allow you that time for your brain to go crazy like mine does too sometimes!”

She narrowed her eyes at me, hurt.

Raia had suggested a short span of time every morning to let her worries go wild, to allow herself that time and then put it to the side so that she could get through the day.

I knew it was different, but still, I allowed her her space when it was necessary.

She looked hurt. Hurt and furious.

“Screw you, Michael.”

“Alright!” I raised my voice angrily, “you want to hear what I’m thinking?”

“How’s this – I’d rather go to jail than to compromise my integrity and tell the world about my baby – it feels like I’m selling off my fucking soul and doing something revokes all of the trust that Diane ever put in to me!”

Fired up, too, Malania didn’t just retreat as I might have expected her to.

“Are you kidding me?” she laughed, “the second she accused you of touching her child inappropriately, she did all that herself! Throw yourself a fucking lifeline, Michael! You didn’t do anything wrong! You are telling the truth.”

I grabbed a handful of my own hair and let out a deep growl of frustration. I wanted to throw something. I was so frustrated with her for not understanding; for her ability to simplify it.

“I don’t want,” he breathed in a deep breath, “the world to know about my baby.” I exhaled the words, but I was still angry. “this feels like I’m betraying not only Diane and Casey but myself and my child.” I blurted out, “and besides all of that?”

I could feel my anger causing my voice to raise again, “despite the fact that I never want to be a part of her life again, I still care, Mal, and I know you won’t like that – but I do… and I can’t change it and I don’t want you or anyone else to sit there and tell me how she fucking deserves everything she gets!”

“Well she does…” Malania shrugged, crossing her arms.

“It’s not helpful!” I yelled, storming back outside, away from her, away from the house, down a path that had just been lit up at dusk.

I half-expected her to follow me, but she didn’t and I was thankful for the space.

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