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Chapter Six: I gave her promises and secrets so untold

I lifted the sweetheart out of her bed very, very gently so that I didn’t disturb the sutures. I was so scared that of moving her the wrong way or causing her pain that I found that I was holding my breath.

I sank slowly down in to the large, leather recliner chair and glanced up at Diane. She smiled, encouragingly. I grimaced as I stroked the sleeping child’s ivory cheeks. It was a little somber but I was so glad that she was improving in condition. Diane helped me reposition the tubes and the cords so as they wouldn’t be in the way.

“Don’t worry, Michael, she isn’t in as much pain as you think. Thank you, thank you so much for this,” she spoke with so much gratitude in her tone.

“Please don’t thank me…” I looked over the sleeping angel in my arms and thought about all the wear and tear her body had been through already with three years of life under her belt. It wasn’t fair.

Diane pulled up a chair beside Casey and I, the metal of the chair legs scraped loudly against the linoleum floor causing the little girl to stir ever so slightly.

“You are such a princess…” I murmured, stroking her blond curls.

Diane sat down as well. She seemed relieved. All the worries and tension that had been evident on her face for the weeks leading up to Casey’s surgery had all but dispersed.

It was going to be okay.

Well, at least there was a good prognosis and that was the main thing.

I felt Diane’s arm link around mine. She rested her head upon my shoulder. We had grown so close in just six short months. She wasn’t like other women who tried so hard to pursue a love affair with me, she just wanted to be my friend and I was cool with that, because true friendships were so hard to come by in my line of work.

Her hair smelled fruity and sweet and it made me feel a bit funny – almost like we were our own little family unit. We were all in this together, this nightmare was what it was, but I was the missing piece that could help bring this family to life again.

“Casey will never forget you for this, neither will I…” 

“You’re saying that like after she recovers you’re never going to see me again,” I remarked turning my head to smile at the brunette beside me. She didn’t look much like her daughter, but every now and then they’d get the same expression or the same intonation in their voices.

“Well that’s silly,” Diane chuckled softly, “you’re a part of our lives forever now, what you’ve done…” she shook her head, “its still surreal. You gave life back to her… and she loves you so much, Michael.” 

“I love her too,” I said honestly. I had never loved a child more, if I’d fathered her myself, I didn’t think I could love her more.

I felt Diane’s lips press upon my temple which warmed me throughout my body. I felt important and needed, something that had been missing from my life for far too long.

“I feel so relieved, I’ll bet you do too,” I whispered. 

Diane nodded, tucking a curtain of her brown hair behind her ears. With our talking, Casey began to stir again and slowly wriggled in my arms before opening her eyes. 

She looked a little confused at first, looking from me back to her mother and then back to me. She began to cry. I guessed it was from pain, but really it was probably that she didn’t feel the best with the anesthetic beginning to wear off from her big surgery.

I wiped her tears with my thumbs. “Aww my precious…” I murmured quietly, “I know you feel yucky, don’t you?” I asked rhetorically, running my fingers through her soft curls, “Mommy is here,” I told her with a little smile even though my heart sank each time I saw her cry, “we can’t wait for you to start feeling better…”

It wouldn’t be for awhile. There was another course of chemotherapy that we had to get her through. Six rounds over a period of five months and then the radiation would begin immediately after. I drew in a deep breath and sighed. Nope, not out of the woodworks yet, but getting there.

Casey had woken up a few times since her surgery. The nurses suggested that she would be starting to sober up and that she would be a little sore and emotional for a few days. I supposed I would have been too if someone had just cut me open and removed two massive tumors from both my kidneys.

“Baby, how are you feeling?” Diane asked her, “you feeling okay?”

She didn’t respond to us, her eyes continued to dart around the room focusing on the Mr Men patterned hospital curtain that was pulled around her bed so that no passers-by could see that I was visiting. It had been a bit of a process to see Casey unnoticed, but I didn’t let it stop me.

She lifted her arm sluggishly and pointed at the curtain. The tears in her eyes were still welling but not falling anymore. 

“Its Mr Men isn’t it, honey?” I asked her in a hushed, awed tone. “we’ve read the Mr Men books together before, haven’t we?” My questions were clearly rhetorical, though she slowly nodded.

“Its Mr. Quiet and Mr. Mean,” I went through the characters from top to bottom verbalizing for her the things that she wasn’t quite feeling up to, “and Mr. Silly, Mr. Chatterbox—that Mr Men is like you, isn’t he?” I felt Diane’s giggle reverberating against my arm where she was still resting, “Mr. Daydream and Mr. Rush, look Mr. Perfect – now he’s a bit like your Mommy…” I smiled, feeling Diane nudge me with a laugh,

“Mr Worry,” Diane interrupted, “that’s you, Michael…” 

“I’m not worried, I got two awesome girls in my arms,” I replied, turning my head to return Diane’s earlier kiss.

Was there romance there? Sometimes I felt like there was, but my great affection for her transcended romantic love. I don’t really know why, but she just felt right to be around. She and I loved the same things, we listened to the same music, we held the same beliefs and we both loved affection and we shared a deep love for Casey.

I was spending a lot of time with Diane and Casey and everyone assumed we were a hot item, but it just wasn’t like that. I didn’t really know why, she was attractive, smart and extremely sweet, but I felt like we treasured our friendship more. Perhaps she wasn’t attracted to me, I wouldn’t have been surprised, but either way, despite sharing a soft kiss of affection on cheeks, foreheads and hands, it never went further.

Maybe Casey was her number one priority and focus, especially given how sick she had been and that thinking of me as a romantic partner would have taken attention away from her daughter.

That probably made the most sense.

Interrupting my thoughts was Casey’s tiny hand touching my cheek. I looked down at her and smiled. She had large blue eyes which were a little doe-y from the medication she was dosed on. Diane and I joked every now and then and called them her cartoon eyes. Whenever she was caught out being naughty, those eyes got a little wider.

I remembered back only around two months earlier when she had begun to get a little sprite back after a round of chemo. She had drawn on a self-portrait on the wall at my place with non-toxic crayon, but do you think that shit would come out? Oh no.

When we busted her, her eyes widened and she tried to quickly shove the crayon behind a doll. It had been hard not to laugh. The three of us had stood in shock at her ‘art’, before I finally burst out laughing which was obviously the wrong thing to do. It was as though her eyes were saucers that might take flight and carry the rest of her body with it.

 

“Michael!” Diane scolded me for laughing, “its not funny! Casey, you’re in big trouble!” she turned to scold her child, “you know better than this!”

“Its okay, we can just paint over it, its no drama.” 

“Don’t.” Diane glared at me, for once showing a little bit of annoyance with me, “its not the point.”

I butted out and let her discipline her daughter.

**

There was a buzz on the phone by my bed that launched me out of bed. I had been so deeply swimming in the misery of the memory that was my friend Diane Hargrove.

I plucked up the phone suddenly remembering the girl that I had left in the guest cottage back a few hours ago. “Hello?” I greeted the voice on the other hand. It was a hoarse whisper. I cleared my throat and tried again.

“Hi, Mr. Jackson, its Alfred.” 

“Hi Alfred, what’s up?” I wondered, hoping I hadn’t had a bad judgment of Malania, that she hadn’t gone and done something crazy.

“I called for extra security, but I wanted you to know that media have arrived. I think they know you are here judging by how fast they are all arriving.” 

“Okay, please be extra vigilant today.” I told him. 

“No problem Mr. Jackson. We will have security walking the perimeter all day to make sure no one gets in unless you’ve authorized them.” 

“Thank you Alfred.” 

“Sorry for waking you.” 

I said it was fine – as if I’d actually been sleeping. What a joke. I put down the phone and lay back down. I glanced at the tablet on my nightstand. I needed to take it but I thought of a thousand reasons why I shouldn’t.

I breathed in a deep breath and stared back up at the ceiling thinking about what could have sparked such a change in Diane that would make her do something so terrible. Was it revenge? The two times that I had upset her in the years we’d been friends did not warrant such a mean-spirited attack on me.

I thought back to her brown hair sprawled out over the pillow. She lay beside me with a small smile. “You know, I do love you…” she said almost as if she thought I didn’t know it, or that it was a secret.

“I know…” I told her, running my fingers through her hair. I stared in to her hazel eyes and smiled, “I love you more.” 

She chuckled, “Don’t fan-talk me, Michael, you know what I mean… I know that you’re not going to marry me, its alright.” 

I shrugged, “Never know…” and I meant it, I didn’t know. Everything was always going to be up in the air until Casey was better and our energy wasn’t almost entirely focused on her wellbeing.

I think if we lost her it would change a lot of things. That was a very real possibility that neither of us talked about.

“Well,” Diane shrugged, “I don’t live for the future, I take each day as it comes; minute by minute…” her lips were pink and I watched them move and expel each word gently and quietly. I knew that she meant more to it.

The future could have consisted without Casey, so each day we had her we knew we were blessed. With each morsel of good news, we celebrated and as her body grew a little stronger, we rejoiced and became more entrenched in our connection.

I loved that there was no expectation from Diane. She never wanted more than I gave. She didn’t care if I was late from time-to-time, or if I had to break an appointment or post-pone a visit because of work. Even if the times that I could see she and Casey were a little inconvenient, she made it work and included me.

“What are you thinking about?” she wondered, “I can always tell when those little cogs are spinning in your head,” she smiled that infectious, beautiful little smile.

“Just thinking about how great you are… how great Casey is…” I sighed of contentment, “how lucky I am to have you both.”

I felt her shift closer. Her eyes closed and those soft pink lips pressed against mine.

Back when Casey had been recovering from her first surgery, I didn’t ever think that Diane and I would fall in to the trap of becoming anything more than affectionate friends, but it made sense that we’d eventually make love.

I was all she had, she was really all I had… We made the deal after the first time that it was not to get complicated and that the second that it became complicated, we’d nip it in the bud.

And, it was so incredibly uncomplicated. The first time we slept together I felt a little heavy with guilt. I was sure she would be upset if I couldn’t commit to a relationship with her, but I was wrong. It was not awkward, it was not complicated and neither of us felt the need to justify what had happened between us.

Perhaps our relationship was a love affair that neither of us needed to label. I wouldn’t have known since my past love affairs involved getting close to a woman, sleeping with her and having her run and tell the world and fizzling out just as quickly as it happened.

 “We’re lucky too,” she said seriously as she pulled her velvety mouth away from mine. I felt the back of her fingertips stroking my peach-fuzz covered cheek. I reached up and grabbed her hand, lacing my fingers through hers. “Before we met you I wished so hard that her father would have a change of heart and want to come back, but in hindsight, I think God found us a better solution because you are a better father to my daughter than some guy who just provided the pregnancy.”

wished I’d fathered her, but that really didn’t matter to me that much.

“She’s my most precious little girl, you know that… I’d adopt her if I could.”

I said it often so I knew Diane knew it was true. I slowly and reluctantly sat up, disrupting the covers to which she shivered and snatched them back over her. 

I laughed leaned over her to kiss her lips again. “Don’t go…” she murmured half-heartedly. She knew I had to.

I cocked my head to the side, “Come on now, never saw you as the clingy type,” I teased. 

She laughed at me and gave my bare chest a playful shove away, “get lost Jackson, I got what I wanted from you, you can leave,” she waved her hand as if gesturing me to get out.

My mouth dropped open in shock. I knew she was kidding around, “I’ll remember that next time I get a lonely phone call,” I joked back, “I mean, I’m not some kind of male gigolo.” 

“Yes you are,” she replied confidently.

We both laughed. I got up and pulled my clothes on. I sat on the edge of the bed and buttoned up my shirt and pulled my socks back on.

“We’ll call you tomorrow morning before we go to see the oncologist, Casey will probably want to see you again, do you think you might have time?” 

I wrinkled my brow at her as if she were crazy, “do I think I’ll have time to see Casey after an oncology visit? Ofcourse I will. I’ll clear my afternoon schedule.”

“Thanks, Michael. I had a nice time tonight.” 

I stood up and done up my last button and went around to her side of the bed. I leaned over and kissed her on the lips with my eyes shut. Our lips lingered for a moment before breaking apart, “me too. Sometimes its good to have time out, right?” I asked, knowing that I was right.

Diane never wanted to leave Casey’s side. I understood, she was scared that if she missed a moment she would regret it if we lost her. She spent every waking hour with her daughter and I knew that had to be emotionally exhausting after awhile.

I had suggested the two of us share some alone time. My mother opted to babysit for the night. I had to be very clear that Diane and I were not a couple because I didn’t want her to get her hopes up like she always did each time I started seeing someone.

She continually asked about my relationship with Diane and continually wanted to know if we had taken any steps in the direction of love. If it were up to my mother, I would have been married to her. She just wanted someone to take care of me so she could relax a little – but Diane needed to just be concerned with her daughter.

I took Diane to the drive-ins and then treated her to dinner at a top-notch restaurant. We were able to sit in a private area without being bothered by anyone which was a giant plus for me.

We went back to my place and picked up Casey, I was just going to drop them home, but I couldn’t resist putting the little girl to bed and reading her a story.

Diane and I went to hang out in her room and it wasn’t crazy awkward, we just lay in bed watching a stupid TV movie and then I announced I should leave. I realized immediately she hadn’t much been watching, but rather her mind was ticking over.

“Whats up?” I had asked, sitting against the bed head.

I watched her eyes fill up and spill over very quickly. “I’m just scared about tomorrow, going out with you and spending some adult time together was wonderful but then I keep having that voice creeping in my ear, telling me my daughter still has cancer, that she’s going to die…”

I shook my head and hugged her and kissed her, “she’s not going to die. We are not going to let her.” I put an arm around my friend and guided her head to my shoulder and kissed her. “I promise. God won’t let her down, you won’t let her down, and me? I will never let her down.”

Diane looked up at me and kissed me and then one thing led to another. I found myself wanting to make her forget her sadness and anguish for her little girl.

Diane didn’t want me to leave, I could tell that. Her eyes followed me around the room. She knew I had to go, we never wanted to risk Casey waking up and finding us together and confusing the situation. I didn’t think it was right at this point to introduce anything else that may have been hard for her to understand.

As if her life wasn’t complicated enough for a three-year-old.

“Don’t worry about tomorrow, I know its kind of trite to say; of course you are going to worry, but… I have faith that it will be good news, Di, okay?” I lifted her chin in the cup of my hand. I smiled and kissed her one last time.

“Okay,” she agreed taking a deep breath and letting it out. She was about to get up to see me out, but I stopped her.

“Don’t get up, sweetheart, I’ll let myself out.”

“Sweet dreams… “ I gave her a wave and headed out down the hallway of the brick veneer home that I had purchased for her and Casey when I realized that the apartment they were staying in wasn’t particularly stable nor was it the kind of area where I felt would be comfortable and suitable for a sick little girl.

I passed Casey’s room and paused for a moment before going back. I stood in the doorway and peered in and smiled as I watched her breathing evenly. She was bald again from the two treatments of chemo post-surgery. Despite missing her adorable little curls, I couldn’t help but to think about how chemo suffers seemed to be more beautiful—perhaps we could more focus on their features like eyes and smile which was sometimes distracted by hair.

“God bless her…” I murmured as I left the house quietly and went home to bed and avoided my mother’s questions.

**

At 7 in the morning I got up. I called through to Malania, making sure she was awake. She was. I could tell that she hadn’t slept much either in the few nights after the accusations broke because we shared the same dark rings around our eyes.

I’d only slept around fifteen minutes in total for the entire night. My eyes felt sandy and my body was beat. The nightmare that consumed me in that short 15 minutes was enough to turn me off sleep for good. I’d awoken in a cold sweat. My body was like led with fatigue and I wasn’t sure for how much longer I could continue functioning.

I tried to put on a brave face after the day before. I wanted to thank my fans, I wanted to show them I was okay even if I really wasn’t. I knew if they thought I was confident then they too, would be confident in me. I needed their belief in me to spur me on. Really, I needed to be a bit braver for my mother too. She was sick with sadness for me but she hid it well. She wanted me to stay healthy and strong by eating and sleeping which was virtually impossible for me, so it was easier to just put a smile on and save my sadness for the time spent alone. And judging by the situation and the lack of friends calling in on me? There was going to be plenty of time for that.

I looked in the mirror and realized I’d already lost a bit of weight. My face looked gaunt, but I just looked away for fear of the self loathe that I could feel slowly filling my heart. It had been a long time since I’d felt that.

I dragged myself in to the shower and got dressed and went downstairs. My Mom stopped me, “Michael?” she smiled, “you’re awake, how are you feeling?” 

“Good Mom…” I replied giving her a weak smile. She came and kissed my cheeks and hugged me. “Are you going to have some breakfast?”

I shook my head. “I’m going for a walk outside,” I explained, deciding that it was easier not to have to tell her about the fan in the guest cottage. I knew she probably wouldn’t understand.

“Sweetheart, Carla asked me if she had to take breakfast to the guest in the cottage.”

I almost laughed, realising that I was always a bit crap at keeping things to myself when it came to my Mom. “Oh, its okay… I’ll organize something. She’s a fan that I know very well,” I explained.

“Did you speak with her last night?”

I nodded, “I had to go for a walk to clear my head. She was the only one out there so I invited her for a chat, she was cold and I couldn’t leave her out there alone.” 

My Mom would have usually asked a hundred questions, but she just let me be.

“I’ll be back soon,” I told her, I felt her hand slowly graze my back as she walked past me and back in to the kitchen.

I made my way to the cottage and knocked.

Malania opened the door. She had obviously been sitting on the couch, watching the TV. I wondered if she’d slept there. The blanket was sitting over the back of it.

“Hi Michael,” she smiled at me. 

“Good morning,” I tried to greet her cheerfully, but I knew she was putting on her smile as much as I was putting on my tone.

“I’ll just get my bag,” she told me as if I had just given her the heave-ho.

“No rush,” I said as I made my way inside watching her from behind as she disappeared through the short hallway to the bedroom to retrieve her small bag of belongs that she had carried with her the night before.

My stomach let out a ferocious growl and I looked down to notice that she had only eaten one sandwich from the night before. The look of the food alone made my stomach churn. I knew she had to have been hungry.

“Malania, would you like to have some breakfast?” I asked kindly, taking a seat on the couch.

“No Michael, I don’t want to be a bother to you,” she replied, emerging from the hall. She had an adorable dimple in her right cheek when she smiled. I’d only just noticed that. It was so cute, I couldn’t help but to think smile back at her.

She had a particularly small frame on her. She was around 5ft and was overall quite slim. She had a little bit of a cute butt, but it didn’t seem out of place. I had seen her grin in front row of my shows and I knew it was a killer, but she’d never grinned at me quite that way face-to-face.

I had guessed back the first few times I’d seen her that she was probably Korean descent, but I knew she had a Japanese background now after our chat the night before. I loved Japanese people, they were some of my favourite people. I wondered what background her Mom was, I guessed some kind of Caucasian.

“You’re not bothering me, it isn’t like I’ve got a lot of things to do today,” I joked darkly.

She eyed me for a moment and then she suddenly burst in to tears. She was immediately embarrassed and tried to turn away from me. I jumped up from the couch. It was always my immediate reaction to console someone who I could see was upset.

“Hey, what’s wrong? Did I do something wrong?” I asked quickly touching her shoulders lightly. She almost jumped out of her skin and shook her head. She tried to apologise but she could barely even speak through her tears.

“Please don’t say sorry, its alright,” I guided her to the couch, “here, sit…” 

For a moment I let her compose herself and waited patiently. She wiped her tears away and covered her face, resting her elbows on her knees. “I don’t have the right to make this about me,” she murmured quietly.

I was a little confused, “Make what about you?”

“What you’re going through,” she said bluntly and then it hit me. Malania was crying for me. I felt a pang of fear, gratitude and love burst through me and in to my heart for a brief second before I pushed it aside. “You’re holding it together so well for someone who has been unjustly hurt and the least I can do is the same…”

I drew in a deep breath, “I’m not holding it together that well,” I admitted almost sheepishly, “I haven’t slept in days.” 

I watched her try to choke back new tears as they lifelessly mapped themselves all the way down her cheeks again. She didn’t bother trying to stop them this time. “I haven’t slept properly since we were in Mexico, I can’t even begin to imagine what its like for you…”

“Its awful,” I said quietly, “I feel like I’m going to go insane. I’m literally too scared to leave Hayvenhurst. I’m too scared to see the lawyers. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t even have an hour to myself without thinking about what my friend is doing to me.” I felt like breaking down as well, but I held it back.

“Malania, you know my fans are my world. Its not happening directly to you, but my love for my fans is unconditional as I know yours and theirs is too, so when I feel pain, you feel pain, vice versa… I think its one of the most beautiful things about my career, that exchange of love… but…” I looked at my hands and reached for hers, taking it and giving it a little squeeze, “I don’t want you to be unwell, I don’t want you to cause harm to yourself because of me.”

She wiped her eyes with the back of her free hand. “Why is she doing this to you?” she asked, showing a streak of anger. I wanted to smile at her boundless empathy for me.

“I don’t honestly know. I think she’s hurting over something and I haven’t figured out what.” I decided I owed it to her to be honest.

“I’m sorry this is happening to you. I’m sorry for making this about me and for imposing on what should be private time.”

I hated that she apologized so much.

“I’m not going to lie, I feel heartbroken, but I’ll be okay,” I promised her. “Please go home tonight, back to your parents and rest.”

“Okay, but only because you asked.”

I just smiled. I walked her back to the security gate, as far as I could go without being noticed by the press. Before we said goodbye, I went in to the security office and grabbed a card and handed it to Malania. She took it and stared for a moment quizzically.

“Next time you come back, call Alfred and he’ll let me know that you’re here.”

I gave her a hug, not wanting her to overthink it. She hugged me back, squeezing me tightly. “Thank you for everything. I will pray for you every day.”

“Me too… see you soon Malania.”

 

When she disappeared out of those gates I felt that sinking lonely feeling overcome me once again.

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