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Will Michael recover? :D

So thanks to a little something that Malania kept referring to as a ‘5150’, the opening arguments of my trial were pushed back for two weeks pending another psych evaluation.

I wasn’t allowed to leave the hospital.

After I’d completely come to, a psychologist had evaluated me. She asked me everything I could think of and pushed me to say more than I was comfortable with. I thought I’d put on a decent show, but still, at the end she said that she couldn’t recommend that I be released. Apparently the hospital’s legal counsel would be presenting documents before the judge that would say I would remain on the involuntary hold.

Anything had to be better than going to court.

Everything happened very quickly. I found myself in a room very similar to the one in which I had visited Malania. My Mom was mad at me, Greg was kinder to me, and the world’s media was intensifying in its quest to find out the real story – or at least the most exciting version of the story.

Liz finalised a couple of employees for me within a few hours of me waking up.

I had a new publicist, PA and manager. Kathleen Robson was the publicist and she had worked with me to release a statement. I immediately liked her; she was kind, sensitive and understood that I wanted to say as little as possible to stop them from speculating.

I dared myself to watch the morning news the very next day.

“Fallen star, Michael Jackson was rushed to hospital overnight with what his camp have confirmed as treatment for a reaction to prescription medication. It is speculated that the troubled singer suffered an overdose; whether or not this was intentional has yet to be confirmed.

Jackson is currently facing a list of sexual abuse charges which heads to court this Tuesday. Some suggest that this is just another carefully crafted move so that he doesn’t have to face the music.

I’d seen enough. I turned the TV off and stared out the window. Couldn’t see much anyway.

 

“Michael, I’m so sorry your girlfriend called the paramedics, you must be so angry, but we’ll work this out, you and I…” said my Mom just before Malania’s parents had taken her home the night before.

I shifted uncomfortably, still lethargic and feeling uncomfortable within my own skin. Malania and I had already spoken briefly about her calling the paramedics, how she felt like there was no other choice. I trusted her judgment. I couldn’t even remember half of it, so I knew I was in no position to argue with her.

I was frustrated that even in this instance my mother was looking for a reason for me to edge Malania out of the picture by blaming her for what I’d done to myself.

“Don’t…” I told her, “this isn’t Mal’s fault… I’m here because I’m… stupid.” I muttered.

“Michael, no… I know you have had problems sleeping, it’s easy to get confused with valium doses—“

What?” I couldn’t believe my ears. I breathed in deeply. She was making my blood pressure rise. I couldn’t even think properly yet she had managed to grate me the wrong way already.

“I think you need to rest, we can deal with the mess that Malania caused later…” she said to me as if she were to blame. If I could have gathered any of my thoughts coherently, I would have told her to leave.

Instead, I said nothing. I felt rotten enough.

“Could you get her for me? Is she still waiting out with her parents?” I asked.

“No,” Mom shook her head at the same time Malania stuck her head back in the door. I was confused for a moment, wondering if she’d come back. She gave me a little smile.

I kind of figured out my Mom had lied. I couldn’t quite figure out why, but I wasn’t in the mood or the state of mind to try to deal with it.

“I know you’re only allowed to have one visitor at a time, but the nurse said I could see you for a moment,” Malania spoke softly and with an upbeat tone that really did make me feel a bit better.

“Come in, please…” I replied.

I reached for her hand. She took it and gave it a squeeze, standing over my bed. Her hair was balled up on top of her head messily and she was wearing a long-sleeved black-knit cardigan with a grey t-shirt. I was pretty sure I had spied her in some light blue jeans.

I managed a smile, managing to still think of how attractive she was even while in my drug-cloud.

 She stood over my bed and leaned over to kiss my forehead. I loved her. It was the nicest feeling to just see her face again. Her very presence gave me comfort and made me feel less awful about the situation I was now facing.

“How are you feeling?” she asked me, “I know I asked that an hour ago…”

“I’m alright, I promise… I just feel dopey,” I replied, feeling the bend of her fingers caressing my cheek lovingly, completely ignoring my mother behind her.

“Good… I’ll be back in the morning, okay? My Mama and Papa want me to go home with them now, but… I can stay if you like, Kaito can get me later.”

“No, no…” I said softly, grabbing her hand upon my face. “You should go with them, I’ll be fine. I can just see you tomorrow.”

“Okay...” she seemed reluctant.

“I hope your parents aren’t mad at me…” I couldn’t help but to murmur.

My Mom had since taken a seat, but I heard her scoff at the suggestion.

“No,” she shook her head, “they’re just concerned about you, my Mama is already thinking of things she can bake for you to soothe your soul.” Malania giggled.

I chuckled too even though every movement made my tummy feel a bit sore. “Are they here?” I pressed, “can I see them?”

“Michael, you need to rest…” my Mom interjected.

“Your Mom is right…” Malania agreed, “you should rest…”

“Just for a second,” I insisted. “Alone,” I added, “I want to chat with your parents alone.” I glanced over at my Mom.

Malania just smiled at me and kissed my lips. “Can you give us a minute please, mother?” I asked.

She didn’t say a word, she got to her feet slowly and left us alone.

“I’m so glad you’re okay, Michael…”

“I love you…” I murmured, “and I’m sorry for what I put you through.”

“Let’s talk about it another time, sweetheart…” she replied in a comforting tone. “I’m going to send my parents in very quickly and I’ll see you in the morning.”

I nodded. She kissed me softly on the cheek. “I love you too, by the way…” she added.

I knew she was putting on a brave face just for me. I needed it and I was happy for her smiles, but I also wasn’t an idiot. I knew behind that killer smile was a heavy heart that was probably emotionally scarred for finding me in such a state.

I watched her walk out of the room. I breathed in deeply and let out a long sigh.

I wasn’t sure how Malania’s parents were going to receive me. I didn’t have to wonder for too long. I saw Helena’s face first. It was the same as usual; full of concern and kindness filling the lines on her face.

 

“Hello, Michael…” she whispered. Malania’s father didn’t come in. I didn’t ask questions why; I hoped he wasn’t angry with me.

“Hi…” I greeted her sheepishly.

She moved close to my side and gave me a half-hug and a kiss on both of my cheeks. “Ljubav, are you alright? We are so worried.”

I nodded. “I’m okay, I’m sorry for worrying you.”

“You are very, very, very important Ljubav, you must take care of yourself,” she murmured, “for my Malania; and for you too.”

“Thank you…” I murmured.

“Sleep sweet Michael, we will pray for you as always,” she told me before leaving me to my own devices.

**

The psychologist had been for a chat. I denied trying to kill myself, which is what I was sure they all thought. No one accidentally takes that many uppers…and downers…with alcohol.

“I just wanted to sleep…” I told the psychologist, “I mean, maybe it wasn’t the healthiest way to go about it – but, I had some bad news, I was sad and upset and… I just wanted to go to sleep and not have to worry about it.”

That was really all I had to say about the situation, unsure of whether or not the evaluation ran the risk of going public.

“Hi baby,” Malania greeted me. Her voice was soft as she stepped in to my room, closing the door behind her.

“Hello yourself…” I replied. She looked beautiful. Her hair was swept up a bit messily and she was wearing the same jeans from the day before with a pair of chucks. Her sweater belonged to me. It made me smile, a pink one with Mickey Mouse.

I wondered when she had stolen it.

She came to my bedside. I shifted on to my side, propping myself up a little. She gave me a hug and a gentle kiss upon my lips. She had a little messenger bag slung over her shoulder.

“You look gorgeous…” I remarked. “As always…”

“Thanks,” she flashed me a brief smile. “How are you feeling?” she pulled up a chair right by my bedside.

“I’m okay. I had the psych eval this morning. I guess they’ll let me know if I can go home or not.”

Malania’s expression was very serious; as if she were thinking of other things. She didn’t seem as upbeat as she had been the night before.

“Michael…” she began, her voice trailing off. I stared in to her almond-shaped eyes expectantly. “I barely slept last night…”

“I’m sorry,” I apologised quietly. I felt awful that she had to find me in the state that I’d been in. I almost wished that I’d called the paramedics before things got out of hand.

She stared down at her hands for a moment, ignoring my apology. “Are you angry with me, Michael? For calling the paramedics?” she asked.

“No…”

“Not at all, you’re not one bit miffed that this is now a media issue?” she pressed.

“I don’t like that this is a media issue,” I told her, “but I don’t blame you. I’m certainly not angry with you, this is certainly not your fault.” I needed to be perfectly clear.

“Why do I feel so… responsible when I turn on the TV? I mean, you had to hire a freaking team of people to sort this out…” I watched her wipe a tear that found it’s way down her cheek.

I slowly sat up, I was still feeling a bit light-headed, but I wasn’t really concerned about that. I leaned over, reaching for her arm. “Mal, no,” I said firmly, “I really messed up, this is not your fault. It’s mine and I don’t want you to be upset.”

“I am upset, Michael,” she replied, looking up at me with tears in her eyes, “I found you… laying in your own vomit… your eyes were rolled in to the back of your head, I thought you might be dead.”

I swallowed a lump in my throat, feeling both embarrassed and horribly guilty for putting her in that position.

“Why did you take all of those pills? Why couldn’t you just wait for me to get back and talk to me?”

I laid back and stared at the ceiling. There was silence between us. I tried to search for the right words that would have made everything that I did okay. But there was nothing.

“I guess I was embarrassed… I was embarrassed that I let you see me in such a state; not just you but Kaito and Greg. I’m a man and you are my girlfriend; it’s humiliating…and, I just… felt like I was disappointing everyone, but—“

“But how could this outcome have ever been any better than me seeing you cry?” she asked, her voice rising with emotion.

“I …I don’t know, Mal, obviously I didn’t mean to—“ I sighed.

“We can’t keep doing this, Michael, this isn’t healthy…” she blurted out. She got up from her chair and paced. One hand on her hip and the other pulling her hair out of the restraint and running her fingers through it.

I’d noticed she did this often when we first began hanging out. Whenever she was nervous or stressed out, she undid and redid her hair repeatedly.

There was a little part of me that was worried about what was going to come out of her mouth next.

“What isn’t?”

This…” she dropped her hands from her head where she had just retied her hair, piling it all upon the crown of her head. “We can’t just keep saving each other, it’s stupid and destructive.”

I felt like I was being admonished. And I knew I deserved every bit of it.

“I know…”

“We shouldn’t be running away from each other; we need to be running to each other, Michael, this is bullshit. I did not need to see you in that state that I found you…”

“I know.” I repeated.

“How can you expect me to face my demons when you won’t face yours?” she asked pointedly.

I began to feel myself getting frustrated. I sat forward again.

“Malania,” I breathed in, “Casey was like my kid; every time I close my eyes she is there. Every time I open them, I think of her. Then I get a visit from my damn lawyer and he’s telling me that this child, that I spent all of my fucking time with, that I cared for, that I---“ I sputtered, “that I fucking nursed to good health while her mother emotionally checked out on us, is accusing me of molesting her!”

She seemed to slightly retreat.

“I know, Michael, I get it—and my brother raped me and I go to sleep with that demon and wake up to that every morning as well, but I have learned to turn to you or to my shrink when I am struggling. You promised me that you were clean…”

“I messed up.” I said again.

“Do you know, Michael, I put you to bed last night and I laid next to you with my hand on your chest because I was afraid it might stop.”

I didn’t remember that.

She pushed her sleeves up and finally sat back down again. “I love you, but I will not do that again. I will not search high and low for my boyfriend and then stick around long enough to watch the paramedics take him away. I mean it, this cannot happen again.”

“Okay…” I replied in almost a whisper.

“I made a vow never to cut again…” she told me firmly, staring at the scars on her arms. “I know I’ll probably slip up once or twice, but I am getting help. You promised me over a month ago that you were going to see a shrink and you still haven’t bothered yourself to keep that promise.”

It was true. I still wasn’t able to bring myself to sit down with someone.

It felt like I was just continually apologising for my behaviour.

“And if you slipped up again, Michael, that would be okay if I knew you were taking the right steps to help yourself – but you’re not. Everything you’ve preached to me—it just seems so hypocritical.”

She held her face in her hands again; staring down at the squeaky, white linoleum.

“So what are you saying?” I asked gingerly.

“I’m saying that unless you make good with your promise and get some help, then I can’t sit around and watch you destroy yourself.”

“I didn’t destroy myself, Malania, I took a few pills and I got confused with what I’d taken and it got a little out of ha-“

“A little!?” she exploded, “For goodness sakes, Michael, I couldn’t even count the amount of pills that Liz and I found inside your apartment!” she exclaimed, “Adderall, Demerol, Valium, Diazepam, Lorazapam, -- all the fucking pams!”

“Then!” she continued, “as if that wasn’t enough, Liz was mad at me for calling the paramedics—she thought I was overreacting and she only defended me in front of your mother after the doctor said that you could have died and that I made the right decision…”

I became a little emotional, feeling like perhaps I wasn’t taking what I did to myself seriously enough.

“All your Mom could say was that my calling 911 was irresponsible. That you would be mad at me for it and that I had no idea what I was causing—and I realised, your Mom loves you, sure, but she’s all about saving face. I couldn’t give a shit what people think about you or me, so long as you are safe. I want my boyfriend alive, not just existing Michael, but living.”

I wiped my eyes with the backs of my hands.

“So…” she said, getting up, “get your shit together, Jackson, let’s fight this together, not separate—and after we win, then and only then can you concern yourself with Casey Hargrove’s welfare.”

With that, she left my room.

I hadn’t expected her to just leave. Maybe she needed to leave me alone with my thoughts; to let everything that she said sink in.

**

My own doctor had turned up. I was so glad for that.

I was just about done talking to people. The media had speculated that I had a drug overdose, but we were just sticking to the story: a reaction to some a prescription medication. It was actually the truth; I’d certainly had a reaction.

I’d certainly caused all types of reactions too.

Malania hadn’t come back, but Elizabeth had. She told me that Malania had been sitting in the corridor with her mother, talking and crying for me. I knew she wasn’t dealing with what had happened very well, and yet no amount of ‘I’m sorry’ could fix that.

“I think I’ve ruined things between us…” I worried out loud to my friend.

Liz shook her head, “no, I think she just needs a minute to recover from it… we talked, she said she’d be back; her mother wanted to take her home for some sleep.”

“Okay…” I accepted that as the truth.

Liz left when the doctor arrived.

Dr. Pearson was a nice, white haired gentleman that reminded me slight of Colonel Sanders. Every now and then he wore a red bow tie that sent me over the edge and kept me giggling uncontrollably every time that I looked at him. He took it good-naturedly and never took offense, thankfully.

“Michael, the nurse said you’d been very communicative with what happened, with everything you remembered taking and compliant with all the treatment that you’ve received,” he explained, looking over my chart.

I nodded, none of that was news to me.

“I don’t believe you are suicidal nor does the psychologist who evaluated you. So, it’s going to be my recommendation that you be released tonight or tomorrow, pending an ECG and blood work. But-“

“Dr. Pearson, I think I need to talk to someone…” I blurted out. “I didn’t mean for what happened to happen, but… I don’t trust myself and—I can’t let this happen again.”

He nodded. “That was my next suggestion. Michael, I agree. There is a lot going on in your life right now and I believe that that is overwhelming you and impairing your capability to think logically—especially when you are upset.”

I nodded. I felt self-conscious. It was not often I shared something so personal with someone I didn’t know so well. I crossed my arms across my chest, feeling suddenly very defensive of my behaviours.

I couldn’t help it.

“Is there going to be someone who can look after you for a few days?” he asked me when he realised I wasn’t really going to elaborate further on my own state of mind.

I nodded even though I wasn’t sure if Malania was still going to be around when I left.

If not, I’d ask Liz to stay with me for a few days.

I hoped I hadn’t blown my chances with Malania and her family. I started to feel sick for different reasons.

“Yeah… I can organise someone…” my voice trailed off finally.

*

Relief washed over me when Malania came back later that evening. She looked a little less serious and a little more relaxed.

“Boy, am I glad to see your face…” I smiled, nervous to see her reaction to me.

She returned the smile and came to my side. I was sitting up, free of the IV that had been encumbering my wrist for the past 18 or so hours. I was sipping some orange juice and had promised the nurse that I would attempt to eat a little of the soup that was in the bowl on the hospital table before me.

It wasn’t amazing, but I was trying.

“You look healthier this evening,” she remarked. She sat down on the edge of my bed. I was happier for the closeness.

“I am feeling better too,” I added. As if to prove it, I took a spoonful of the watery soup and swallowed it, ignoring my stomach that was still raw and aching.

“Good… I wanted to say, I’m sorry for losing my patience with you earlier…” she started.

“No, don’t be sorry – I’m glad you were hones-“

“Let me finish,” she interrupted, “I am sorry that I lost my patience. When you found me cutting—the time before I went in to treatment, remember? When I was at your house?”

I nodded. I remembered that moment very well. I caught her in the guest room, ripping her skin open with a pair of nail scissors that I still was unsure as to where she got them.

“You didn’t get mad at me, you just helped me… you didn’t complain, you talked to me about it and you never gave me any ultimatums…”

I nodded again.

“But… I really can’t… I can’t let what happened yesterday happen to you again, Michael, I love you too much to watch you kill yourself, even if you meant to or not-“

“I’m going to get help…” I blurted out. “I promise, I have already spoken to my doctor.”

It seemed to be what she wanted to hear. “I don’t want to give you an ultimatum Michael, and I never want you to think I’d just leave your side – but I also have to take care of myself.”

“I get it… I’m your boyfriend,” I spoke softly, taking her hand in both of mine and kissing it. “I have to look out for you, not just leave you hanging. What I did was totally selfish but I guess what I did was totally reactive… I sometimes can’t handle my emotions and in the past I’ve been ridiculed or berated for how much I feel…”

“But I’m not anyone else, Michael, I’m Malania… you can cry as much as you like, you can yell and scream as much as you like – I’d prefer that over you taking a pile of drugs and ending up here…”

“I’m sorry.”

“I forgive you…” she said softly. “I love you and I’m going to stay here with you until you go to sleep tonight.”

I shook my head and smiled. “I’m going home. My doctor came to see me, they found that I wasn’t a threat to myself or anyone else and I’ve agreed to see the psychologist that Dr. Pearson is putting in a referral to…”

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

I nodded. “I was hoping you’d come back to Neverland with me tonight…”

“Of course,” she smiled, “I’ll look after you,” she leaned over and kissed my lips. I immediately pulled away, covering my mouth with my hand.

“Sorry,” I apologised, “I haven’t brushed my teeth.”

She made a face before chuckling. “Gross… since when?”

“I’m too embarrassed to admit—in fact, I’ll be so happy to get home and have a shower and use my toothbrush.”

Malania chuckled again but noticeably wiped her mouth. “Well, how are you getting home?” she asked, “should I organise a car or something for you?”

I shook my head, “No, my new manager, Martin is going to call me in about an hour to let me know what’s happening.”

“Oh, a new manager. I saw Liz organised the PR girl as well – must feel nice to have things restored; can’t be easy trying to organise these things yourself.”

“I was avoiding it,” I told her. “I should have sorted this out awhile ago—but I didn’t want to face anything.”

“Well… if it helps, at first the news were saying you had a drug overdose, but since Kathleen released the statement, they are more sympathetic to you. You have fans everywhere – and then Kathleen put together a statement thanking them…”

I was really relieved to hear that.

“Thanks for letting me know. I watched the news this morning and it made me feel sick.”

“Well all will be okay, my beautiful,” she told me. I loved the way that she took my face in her hands and looked in to my eyes. I knew I could never disappoint her like this again.

“I’m so glad you came back… I was scared you wouldn’t.”

“When I found you last night, I sat beside you and I promised you over and over that I wouldn’t leave your side—and I won’t.”

 That was like music to my ears…

Chapter End Notes:

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