Chapter 53

It was a breath of fresh air to have crisp clothes and underwear and make up.  I was never the kind of girl who was interested in getting glamorous, but after not being able to make myself feel good for so long, I was looking forward to actually being able to pamper myself.

And there were other things too, like my favourite pillow and a few of my favourite books.

Kaito didn’t arrive back until quite late that evening; Michael and I spent the evening watching TV and napping. I had become accustomed to napping through the day, so we cuddled up on the couch, watched a movie and both slept on and off.  I’d decided I was going to cook something basic since apparently he didn’t have that much food left.

We were both bleary-eyed and cuddled up beneath an afghan that he told me belonged to his mother. Or at least, she’d made it for him. “This is great…” he murmured, snuggling in with a little yawn, “I don’t think I’ve relaxed like this for a long, long time…”

“Me, ever…” I chuckled, feeling him spoon me as we focused half-heartedly on the television.

“Can I say something?” he asked me as if he were leading in to a serious conversation.

I turned my body to face him. “You just did…” I quipped.

He cocked his head to the side as if telling me to shut up with my silliness. I just smiled.

“I don’t think I’ve ever been with a girl who’s so… reciprocal,” he shared with me, “and open… I know you keep a lot to yourself, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t feel like I have to fight you to communicate with me, you communicate so well, all things considered.  I thought it might be harder.”

I thought for a moment before responding. “Don’t get me wrong, I do struggle, but you are special… and you are all those very same things with me. Even when it’s hard, I have made a commitment to you that I’ll try, that’s all we can both ask for and expect…”

He nodded with understanding. “But this is nice… I love that you are so kind to me and you consider all of my feelings, I can’t stay that I’ve experienced that in this kind of a situation.”

I felt a slight sense of pity for him, but realised quickly I was probably in the exact same position. “I guess I do for you what I want you to do for me,” I explained.

“And do I? Are you happy with everything? I mean, the way that I support you? If there’s anything I’m not doing, you need to tell me…” he pushed his hair from his eyes and stared at me as if he were afraid I’d say something he didn't want to hear.

“I’m happy,” I smiled, “you’re perfect…”

“I don’t know about that…” he replied, sitting up a little. He looked down in to my eyes for a moment before pressing his lips against mine. I could taste the traces of the sweet soda he’d been drinking earlier on his mouth. I slipped my hands up to his shoulders, kissing him back softly at first but with a little more passion as I sank further back in to the couch.

For the first time in my life I wasn’t frightened of another person’s body entirely covering mine, on top of me; I felt protected and cared for. I wasn’t scared that he may start trying to peel off my clothes or force me to do something that I wasn’t ready to. I knew if I asked him to back off me, he would. I knew he wouldn’t do anything to hurt me.

This man was someone who cared for me in an unselfish way.

His hands cupped my face as he prompted my mouth open with his tongue. His warm, soft tongue that tasted of the berries we had eaten earlier. I wasn’t sure if I could sink any further back in to the couch.

I slipped my arms around his back.

He always smelled so good; of a cologne that I couldn’t place. I inhaled deeply as we kissed with passion and slight urgency.

I felt his hands slowly fall from my cheeks… one hand rested upon my neck, caressing my skin and causing chills to rise upon the surface. His other hand fell upon my shoulder.

I felt his teeth sinking softly in to my lips before kissing them better and leaving my mouth to follow a trail slowly down my cheek to my earlobe. I sighed softly, trying to control my beating heart.

He caught the shell of my ear between his lips as I tilted my head, allowing him room to kiss me. His mouth covered the skin between my neck and shoulder and I could feel myself yielding to the spell he’d cast upon me.

I shifted beneath him, allowing him room between my legs to get a little more comfortable.

His hand grazed over my hip and down my thigh, resting gently upon my knee at his side. Even the touch of his hand sent my head in to a spin. Part of me did want to start pushing off his clothes and start touching him and letting him undress me.

I let out a moan as he squeezed my thigh. Almost involuntarily, I reached for the collar of his shirt, letting my fingers undo a button or two. I had to force myself to stop.

He found my mouth again, leaving my neck cool and wet from his tongue working against my flesh.

He pulled away, trying to break off the kiss, but we kept recapturing it without any control. I felt his other hand caressing my hair almost as if he were trying to ween himself away from me. I understood; I felt the same.

His kisses slowed down as did mine, keeping at whatever pace he led with.

“I love you,” he blurted from his lips the second that our mouths parted. I was breathless and gazed at him a little dumbly. I hoped my eyes told him how he made me feel. He closed his own for just a moment as he kissed me one last time. His hand stroked my outer thigh back and forth. I was too ashamed to admit that I wanted it to go further. My skin was burning beneath my jeans.

He lay his hand stationary but his thumb caressed me until I guessed he had calmed down. He rested his forehead against mine with his eyes clamped shut as if he were praying for self-control.

“I respect you…” he murmured.

I chuckled, “I’m sorry, what?” I asked.

He lifted his head and chuckled too, “I said, I respect you… I respect you too much to let this go any further at this point-“ he clarified what he meant. “I’m sorry if I got too carried away.”

I shook my head, “I trust you Michael,” I said simply, “I trust that you keep your promises.”

He was just easing up when Kaito burst through the door.

We probably appeared like started deer in headlights. Kaito cleared his throat and looked irate. “Uh… what is going on here?” he demanded to know as Michael raised himself up off me. I sat up too, allowing him to get up.

“Nothing is going on, man,” Michael said casually with a bit of an uncomfortable laugh. I knew he didn’t really feel as though he needed to explain himself and frankly, neither did I.

Kaito said nothing further and stormed out of the room.

“Oh my God…” I exclaimed, “what a baby…”

“I’m so embarrassed…” Michael murmured, covering his face.

“Michael, this is your house!” I hissed at him, “this is crap…” I got up, “I’m gonna go talk to him.”

Kaito had headed toward the kitchen so I followed him, feeling irritated by his actions. “Kaito, what the hell was that?” I asked him when I found him cleaning dishes that Michael and I had left after dinner. If I weren’t so annoyed, I’d have laughed at his ‘Mom’ role that he’d all but assumed.

“Nothing, Malania, nothing…” he snapped.

I just laughed, “if you’re mad because you caught me making out with Michael, you need to get over it because it’s none of your business and it’s not even your house.”

He looked up at me and glared for a moment. He opened his mouth to say something but closed it again. “You aren’t in the position to be making any crazy decisions, Malania, I’m looking out for you!”

“You are seriously driving me insane!” I snapped loudly. “You don’t get to tell me what to do!” I paused, “or what not to do!” 

Michael emerged from the doorway and glanced at me in a little reproachful way. “Sweetheart,” he began, “could you please give Kaito and I a moment to have a chat?” he was always so calm and I was frustrated a lot easier.

“Michael,” I cocked my head to show him that I was in the middle of telling my brother off.

Kaito ignored us both, putting things into the cupboards. Michael stared at me for a moment as if he were silently trying to convince me. “You know what, you both do what you’ve got to do,” Kaito slammed the cupboard, “I left your things by your bedroom door, Malania. There’s some food from Mom in the refrigerator. I’m going to the gym and I’ll see myself to bed. Give you both all the privacy you need…”

I drew in a deep breath as he stormed out.

“Jeez…” I breathed with annoyance, “what a fucking baby.”

Michael wasn’t so irate though—or at least if he was, he wasn’t letting it show. “I mean, I guess I can get why he’s a bit upset…”

I stared at my boyfriend incredulously until he smiled, almost laughing at my angry frown. He reached over and smoothed my eyebrows, “Get rid of those angry eyebrows…” 

“You don’t need this shit in your own house.”

“I don’t need you and your brother fighting like cats and dogs either,” he replied. “If I knew any one of my friends was all kissin’ on my little sister I wouldn’t like it either. I’d feel weird about it.”

“I understand that, but don’t you think it’s a bit late for him to be so concerned?” I shot back.

“Well… a bit, Mal, but… look at what they’ve all just found out, of course everyone in your life is going to be overprotective even if it’s misplaced,” he explained.

“Whatever, I’m gonna go downstairs and see what Mama packed for me,” I shrugged.

“I’m going to go and chat with your brother and try to see if his concerns have anything to do with me…” Michael informed me.

I was frustrated. I reserved the urge to march downstairs ahead of Michael and confront my brother on being an idiot. I let Michael win instead. It wasn’t worth riling myself up over.

**

Fresh new things, I thought, lifting my pyjama pants up and inhaling the sweet scent of my Mama’s favourite fabric softener. It made me miss home momentarily, but I was grateful for her sending everything along that I had asked for.

I was grateful for shoes with laces, for my favourite black jeans, my collection of t-shirts and a couple of dress tops. I was most happy to receive my make up and beauty products; I had missed my facial cleanser the most.

Mama put in a few sneaky extras too, it was her little way of telling me she loved me. She loved Kaito too, but these were for me, I thought as I spied the small plastic bag full of my favourite kind of candy bars. Almond joys, Aero, Milky Way and a bunch of different Reeses bars. I couldn’t help myself; one of my small joys had always been chocolate. I grabbed the Crispy crunch Reeses, ripped it open, and took a bite as I rifled through the rest of my belongings.

She’d even packed my bikini. I wasn’t sure I’d ever want to wear it in front of Michael any time soon, but in case I did, it was there.

Michael had been gone for over an hour, pandering to my brother’s little tantrum, probably, but at least it left me to think about how the day had gone.

I wasn’t too concerned about Katherine Jackson for the most part. At first when I sensed tension, I felt a bit sad that she wasn’t happy about me. That wasn’t in question; it was clear.  But, I knew she had to have felt protective over her son especially after what had happened with Diane. I began to realise that it was probably less about me and more about him.

I had made the decision to weather the storm that Michael was going through with him, but his mother didn’t know me, she didn’t know that and she was probably going to have a hard time trusting me on behalf of him.

And then there were all the physical moments I had spent with him throughout the day that made me a little bit proud of myself.

I wasn’t ready to sleep with Michael even though my body sometimes dared me to take those steps. I was aware that sometimes intimate moments confused me and triggered some thoughts that made me react involuntarily. It was instinct that sometimes caused me to push him away or calmly disengage from the situation.

If and when I began to freak out, I tried to silently talk myself through it rather than freaking out dramatically and yelling at him to stop. I had to teach myself strategies to stop that from happening. I’d close off a kiss, or extricate myself from an embrace in such a way that would only allow Michael to know that I was wanting to create some distance, rather than that I was panicking.

It wasn’t really something I wanted to share with him. I didn’t want him to know when my brain was playing games with me.

Interrupting me with a knock as I was taking my second last bite of my chocolate, Michael let himself in to my new room.

For whatever reason, feeling as though I’d been found out, I hid my chocolate behind my back.

He gave me a funny look with his gorgeous little smile. “What are you hiding?” he asked as I tried to swallow the chocolate discreetly.

“Umm… nothing…” I replied with a laugh.

“Sure you are… what you got behind your back?” he asked, chuckling. When he realised I was still chewing, he continued, “you don’t need to sneak food you know, you can help yourself… I don’t care.”

I just laughed as he advanced closer to me. I swivelled around, avoiding him.

“Malania!” he was laughing but I could tell he was wondering what I was doing. I was just playing with him now.

I gave up, pulling the Reeses candy bar from behind my back. I showed it to him.

He began to laugh, “Where on earth did you get that? Did you find a candy stash that I forgot about?”

“No,” I replied, “My Mama sent me a little ‘care’ package, I don’t know why I hid it, I guessed I didn’t want Kaito to know, I’ve seen him smash through food like a pig at a trough.”

“Nah, he wouldn’t eat chocolate, it has processed sugar and probably smells like simple carbs or some crap…” he joked.

We both laughed.

“But I will,” he swooped in faster than I could swipe the chocolate away from his grip and grabbed it straight out of my hand. He plopped the last bite of the candy bar in to his mouth before I even had time to protest.

“I love chocolate!” he told me with his mouthful.

I stood, shocked, leaving him laughing and trying to chew and not choke.

“Aww,” he laughed, “I’m sorry…”

“Jerk!” I exclaimed, “I see I’m going to have to hide my candy wisely… sheesh.”

He laughed and didn’t disagree.

“How did it go with Kaito?” I asked him a little more seriously. My furiousness seemed to dissipate. I tried to see things from my brother’s point-of-view, but in the end, I still felt like his concern was misplaced.

“It was fine…” Michael nodded, advancing closer to me and slipping his arms around me, “he just loves you and probably feels guilty about everything that’s happened in the past, and so he’s trying to make up for it all.”

“I know, but I guess that makes me angry…” I admitted, lifting my head to look up at my beautiful boyfriend. His chestnut eyes met mine and his hard jaw relaxed in to a sympathetic smile. He kissed the crown of my head.

“I understand…”

“Whatever, I don’t have the patience to deal with that tonight,” I informed him, breaking away from his embrace to continue taking out things out of the suitcase and placing them in organised piles on the bed.

“Did your Mama pack all the clothes you wanted?” he asked me, changing the subject too.

I nodded.

He took a seat on the edge of my bed and watched me organise my things. “Oh hey, is that your swimwear?” he asked, nodding to my bikini. I felt my face flush as I gave a nod, confirming it.

“Cool, we could go swimming tomorrow…”

“Maybe.” I replied non-committed.

“What’s wrong? Your mood just totally changed…” he observed out loud. I glanced at him and in all honesty, I didn’t really feel like having a long and intense conversation about my feelings.

“Nothing, I guess I’m just getting my head around everything again… I’m tired too, I didn’t sleep very well last night.”

“How about… we get our pyjamas on and since Kaito is now upstairs and watching TV now, we watch a movie or something in my room,” he suggested.

A part of me knew that despite the fact that Michael was respectful of my past and what I was or wasn’t ready for, he would have also been eager to push past those things and take our relationship to the next level.

Perhaps his invitation was innocent, I was pretty sure he wasn’t trying to lure me in to sex given that my brother would be sleeping upstairs and had just had a heart-to-heart with him of sorts. Though, I knew where even an innocent invitation could end up – well, if earlier had been anything to go by.

Still, I knew I could trust Michael and part of being in an adult relationship wasn’t trying to dodge him when things made me a little bit anxious.

“Don’t answer so soon…” he jibed me playfully, “are you mad cos I ate the last bite of your Reeses crunch?”

I laughed, releasing some tension that I was sure was all over my face. “No, I’m not mad. Sure, lets do the movie thing.”

“Okay,” he smiled, getting up. “Do you want a coffee or some snacks?” he asked me, knowing that sometimes I did enjoy coffee.

“No, I’m fine thanks baby,”

“K, I’ll be in my room down the hall, join me when you’re ready and I’ll find something for us to watch.”

**

I found places for things in the room that was temporarily mine and got changed in to a pair of plaid, pink flannel pyjama pants that were so warm and smelled like home. I pulled on a clean grey UC t-shirt that was a little baggy on me these days.

I glanced at the clock above my bed and saw that it was almost 9:30, I was tired and almost ready for sleep, maybe I wouldn’t have been able to sit through a movie.

I made my way to his room. He smiled to see me. I smiled back at him and closed the door quietly behind me. He was sitting up, leaning against his bed head, comfortable beneath the covers of his bed. He patted the spot beside him. “There’s not much on TV…” he told me.

I shrugged, making my way over to the empty side of his bed. He pulled the plain, cream-coloured comforter back for me.

“Malania, what’s wrong… did I say something wrong back there?” he asked, his head cocked looking at me almost reproachfully.

He looked a little bit silly in his own blue and white striped pyjamas. 

I slid in to bed and drew in a deep breath.

“Michael, I’m fine…” I told him seriously, “I’m maybe a bit moody. There’s a lot going on in my head… I don’t entirely know how to share that just yet.” I admitted.

He was silent for a moment before he slipped an arm around me. I scooted closer to him and rested my head upon his shoulder. He was so warm. “I want to ask… but I want to give you space as well. Is it about me?”

I gave some thought before I answered. “Not really… I guess I can’t expect that everything is all better now because I left my treatment. Technically, I still had two more weeks and none of my problems have magically resolved. If anything, there’s probably more to deal with now. It’s just that I can bury my head in the sand for a short spell while I’m here with you.”

“I hear that…” Michael mumbled softly, stroking my arm as we both focused absently on the TV that he’d just turned down.

“Every now and then I get a little reminder of something from the past and I shut-down, you know?” I glanced up at him. He had a very serious expression on his face.

“Okay… we can just watch TV then, but you know if you want to go in to it, I’m here…” he told me, kissing me upon the crown of my head.

**

At three in the morning we were both still awake, laying side by side staring at the ceiling and giggling like teenagers over stupid things.

We’d resigned that TV wasn’t cutting it, so we turned it off because the noise was distracting from our conversations.

“You should just sleep here tonight…” Michael suggested, turning on his side to face me, slipping his hands in to mine that lay between us.

“You wanna sleep beside me again?” I asked casually, as if it hadn’t already crossed my mind. I knew I probably shouldn’t. It was hard though, when his presence seemed to bring me so much calm instead of the panic that nighttime seemed to bring me when I was alone.

“It’s probably not a good idea, is it?” he said with a little smile. “I’d love for you to, but… in the interest of being good to you and taking things slow…”

I just smiled at him. His tiny gestures of kindness and consideration for my feelings, my past and my request for him to be patient made me especially grateful. “No, but… what if I wanted to stay here?” I asked him in a soft, almost vulnerable tone.

The dark was an awful time for me to be alone.

His smile grew and I watched him shrug. “I’d never kick you out of my bed,” he winked.

“K, then I’ll sleep here beside you,” I told him definitively.

We had spent a great lot of time staring at one another, searching each other’s eyes. It seemed like something that would have ordinarily made me feel a high level of discomfort, but with him it felt natural. His fingers were always caressing the frame of my face, or running through my hair; showing absent affection that seemed to warm me right through.

I had never felt so comfortable with a man.

“Gosh….” I sucked in some air, feeling the intensity of my feelings for him hit me in an overwhelming way.

“What, what is it?” he asked, watching me bury my face in to his crisp, white pillows. He seemed amused.

I couldn’t tell him while he was staring at me, his face propped up by his elbow.

I slowly peeled the pillow away and flashed him another smile and tried not to be a child about it. “I feel so safe…” I admitted quietly.

“You’ve said that a few times, like you seem surprised,” he remarked, just as quietly, matching my tone. “When you say things like that, I feel like you have the impression that you always need to be on guard around me.”

I thought fleetingly about my previous situation. On guard was probably an understatement of how I’d felt in my past. “Well… you know.”

“When you say that, do you mean… in a physical sense or…?”

“Physically, emotionally… I feel like you’re my safe space.” I admitted.

I could see that he was thinking about my honesty. He grazed his forefingers over my cheek as he gazed at me. “You are safe with me.”

I cleared my throat and reached for his hand, lacing my fingers through his. “I guess I should clarify that. I meant—you make me feel relaxed, you know. My mind feels free and I’m completely myself with you and I guess that’s a relief cos sometimes it gets tiring when I’m trying to keep up a charade.”

“Who else you gotta keep up a charade for?” he asked gently. I noticed his voice seemed to deepen the later it got and the more tired he became.

I considered his question. I smiled wryly, not liking that we’d just gone from laughing and joking to a more deep-seeded conversation.

I yawned and stretched, letting go of his hand. “It doesn’t really matter.”

“C’mon, of course it matters… you were about to tell me something… you should tell me. Don’t play like it’s too much. We’re just talkin’ and getting to know each other more—this is good for us.”

We knew each other, but sometimes I realised we didn’t know each other.

“I guess I just love that with you I don’t have to fit anyone’s mold…” I pushed the words from my mouth and felt strangely lighter. “I don’t have family who want things from me, or want me to say the right thing just to alleviate their guilt all the time, you know?” I asked, “And I don’t have to always have my guard up in fear of letting someone down.”

He began to nod emphatically. “That…” he said with decisiveness, “that, what you said just now…” he suddenly grew a grin that confused me for the moment because his excitement seemed misplaced. “Mal, this is why I fell in love with you; you make me feel exactly the same. I can be me with you…”

He kissed me softly on the lips before pulling away. He rested his hand upon my upper arm. “I guess we’re not the same as most people our own age—I mean, you’re not, for obvious reasons-“

“Heyyyy, what do you mean by that?”

“I mean that you’re one of the most famous people to be walking the earth and I bet everyone; friends, family, fans, scorned exes, they all want a piece of the pie.”

He chuckled. “I know what you meant—I think you’re spot on. You are not like most people, period. Maybe that’s why you’re so special though. You are probably the most positive person I know who’s had the most negative experiences that I know. You are beautiful and unique and I don’t want to be with someone who is like everyone else…there’s something special in here…” he tapped his own heart to signify mine.

“Unique?” I scoffed at the suggestion; “Michael the only thing that makes me unique is my past, my hospital stays and my shit family.”

“Pfft, lies…” Michael rolled his eyes at me. “You’re unique, trust me. You’re the first woman I’ve met that genuinely knows about art that hasn’t had to study fucking cue cards just to impress me.”

I actually laughed out loud at the absurdity and also by the curses that always sounded so harsh coming from his mouth.

He was laughing too, “and,” he added, “you have this very cool fashion style. Cute Asian girl, dressing like she’s about to go to a rock concert but listens exclusively to Michael Jackson, Fleetwood Mac, Vivaldi and Yo Yo Ma.” He joked, as if he were appraising me. “Then you’ve got that incredible loyalty that is really hard to come by…”

“Thanks, Michael…” I smiled at him, appreciative of him always trying to build me up.

He sighed with contentment and kissed me again. “Do you need anything from your room?”

I shook my head.

He eased down on the pillow beside me. “So… what’s your favourite colour?”

I gave him a funny look, “I dunno,” he shrugged with a little chuckle in reply to everything my expression was asking him, “what better way to learn about you than fifty questions.”

“Colors; green… but I love red stuff; red fruit, red candy, red cars…” I replied, humouring him. “What about you? What’s yours?”

“Red or purple… colours of royalty…” he smirked showing me that tiny bit of ego that he usually kept at bay.

I laughed.

“Okay, what about…” he thought, “I already know your favourite food is Japanese and it’s kinda up there for me too, but I do love some good greasy soul food … what about the kind of things you do when you’re at home; before all of this?”

I thought about that. “I guess I used to read a lot. I used to help my Mama out around the house as well… Art, I used to listen to music, write… I guess I spent a lot of time writing, it’s a good outlet.”

He nodded, “Me too… music though, and songs…” 

“You know what I always wondered?” I thought of something.

“Sure, what?” he asked, realising something had piqued my interest.

“I always wondered where all your friends are. You have so many friends or had so many friends; we often saw you with Diana Ross and Elizabeth Taylor, like… weren’t you good friends with Eddie Murphy and Arsenio and all of those guys, where are they?”

Michael seemed to get slightly uncomfortable for the moment. He just shrugged. “I guess it’s easier to step back. They probably don’t want to get stigmatised. Liz is the only one… She puts a call through almost every day. She knows about you though, and she knows that I’ll ask for her help if I need it.”

“Will you, though?” I wondered. Michael didn’t strike me as the type to ask for too much help.

He didn’t really answer me.

“What if you take this situation from the equation. You made it seem like you were always so busy outside of work with friends and social functions and you sometimes do strike me as a very social person…” I probed him, sick of him getting to ask all the hard-hitting questions.

He chewed on my question for a few moments. He stared up at the ceiling and skewed his mouth in thought. Finally, he turned back to me and shrugged. “I dunno, I guess I go through stages where I like to be social, usually when life is going well. In this situation, I just want to be alone or at least with someone, you, who I don’t have to pretend with… Going to parties and industry stuff though, I feel like that’s always been more to satisfy other people that I’m not locked up in a cave here at home turning in to a recluse.”

“I don’t understand…” I shrugged, “why do we always have to satisfy other people? I mean, if you’re at home enjoying your own company when you’re being this so-called recluse, are you happy or content?” I wanted to know.

Michael smiled, “Yeah… I like my own space. Work and fame is exhausting, when I get home, all I want to do is sleep and read or watch movies. I don’t want to go back out and have to deal with people,” he admitted.

“Then I wonder why we always cater to everyone else’s standards…” I wondered out loud, “it’s always been the same for me. My sister used to get frustrated with me because I didn’t want to go to parties with her, or shopping or – school stuff, I didn’t go to prom or spring dances, I hated all that, but she never understood – and she’d convince my parents to try to push me in to all those extra-curricular activities…”

Michael wrinkled his nose, “Seriously? Shouldn’t your parents have been happy that you were at home where they could keep their eye on you? I would be…”

I shrugged again, “they probably just wanted a normal daughter.”

He grimaced at my response. “I guess for me, I just hate letting people down, but there are very few people that I enjoy spending time with over hanging out and relaxing on my own. I actually always liked going out to dinners though – I gotta eat, so it worked out well for me if people wanted to be social that way.”

I laughed, “Hopefully it’ll never get to the point with me where you’ll only want to hang out for dinner.”

“Never, my heart, and you know why?”

“Why?” I asked.

“Cos you’re not hard work,” he replied, “I can relax around you; I don’t feel like you are the type of girl that needs me to constantly entertain her – and maybe I’m wrong and correct me if I am, but I like that you and I, we can really talk. I’ve never had that with a girl…”

“You’re not wrong…” I replied with a faint smile and reached over to caress his face. “I’ve always thought that it would be important to be able to talk to your partner… what’s the point if you can’t? I’m sure sex is very important as well, but take that from the equation- and then what?”

“Maybe that’s why so many relationships fail—people always have sex so immediately and don’t learn how to communicate first?” he suggested. I nodded in agreement.

I laughed, having a sudden thought. “Listen to me… talking like I’m some big expert… I wouldn’t know the recipe for a healthy relationship if it bit me in the ass.”

Michael laughed too and shook his head at my self-depreciating comment. “You knew enough to deviate away from awful relationships…” he pitched, “I mean, girls with your past often go the other way; become reckless with their body and end up in a really bad place.”

I thought for a moment before I chuckled again a little sardonically. “Michael, you can’t really say I’ve ended up in such a healthy place.”

His eyes searched mine. He shrugged, “I mean, you’re not a meth head or anything,” he teased…

I giggled and poked him in the shoulder. “I guess I’ve got that going for me…thanks,” I nodded, “Malania… not. A tweaker…” I joked, ticking off an imaginary checklist with my hands. He laughed along with me.

“Malania, can I tell you something about Diane? I’m not telling you to compare, but-“

“Michael, of course, I’m sorry that I overreacted about Diane a little while back… I was being insecure.”

“I was in a relationship where… sometimes it was so silent and I didn’t know what to say when we were alone and it used to get awkward.”

It surprised me. I had a totally different impression of their relationship. I knew he wasn’t done, so I just closed my mouth and listened. I wasn’t sure where it was headed.

“And sometimes I think I enjoyed the silence because the constant complaining was insufferable some days. We had a lot on our plate with Casey, granted, but… I felt like she’d never have any beautiful memories with her daughter because she could never just be present, you know?”

I nodded, listening.

“Why did you stay with her, I mean, surely you saw something in her?” I pointed out.

“Casey…” he spoke quietly. “I saw Casey in her…” he drew in a deep breath and sighed.

“I’m sorry, baby…” I murmured.

He avoided my stare by looking up at the ceiling. I saw him blinking back a film of water and felt a pang of sadness for him. He opened his mouth to say something but closed it again.

Probably to compose himself.

“I tried so hard… I forced conversations, I kept telling myself that she would love me when Casey was better. When Casey was doing well, she said she was stressed with keeping her well, when Casey was unwell, she said she couldn’t focus on me because she felt guilty for not focusing on Casey…” he ranted, “and so I tried to support her supporting Casey—and she just …never returned it…”

“I think you lived that relationship with hope that it could be what you wanted it to be so long as you persevered.”

He nodded. “There’s no shame in being sad about it, or feeling like you’ve been taken for a ride.”

He cleared his throat. “I just want to put it all in my past, but… I guess I’m just besotted with what we have because I’ve dreamed to be with someone who is also giving of herself as well… it’s not hard work.”

I smiled and stroked the inside of his wrist.

“And you’re smart, too” he pointed out, “Maybe Diane was smart, but I wouldn’t have ever been able to find out. She must have thought I was a bit dumb, she used to get mad if I wasn’t empathetic enough for her liking.” He explained, “and you know, I am empathetic, I hate being underestimated.”

“I would never underestimate you, I believe in you a thousand percent in every aspect of your life.”

This made him smile. He covered his hand with mine. “I love being with you, I don’t care if we go out on dates or just lay like this – as long as I’m with you…”

“You’re beautiful…” he murmured. “I think that you’ve quickly become my very best friend, and I’ve never been best friends with a girl that I’ve dated.”

“Looks like there’s going to be a couple of first times between us…” I joked.

He gave a soft laugh, knowing exactly what I was getting at. “Let’s pray so…” he nodded, “But, there’s no rush for any of that.”