Chapter 50

It was no wonder Michael had warned me from the onset to never trust a soul. It seemed isolating and awful to have to live a life without trusting others, but clearly someone in my life had been bought off.

Malania,

I miss you so very much. I hate that I haven’t been able to lay eyes upon your beautiful face for weeks now. It seems so unfair, but everyone is right, it is in your best interest to focus completely on recovery.

Your last note said that Samuel’s death was almost a cathartic release for you. I found that to be an interesting thing to say; have you shared it with Raia? I am glad that you are starting to feel something about his death; something is better than numb. From my experience, sweetheart, anything is better than numb.

When I found out about C and the allegations, it took me a little while to feel the heartbreak. At first I felt shocked and then the numbness set in and it didn’t dissipate for a while. I remember Liz coming to be by my side and when I finally let myself feel it, I went in to a rage and trashed some things in my room. I broke things, I yelled and screamed and finally I crumpled and cried.

And now I’m dealing with it as best as I can.

It’s my hope that you’ll get to that same resolve eventually when you think of your brother and all of the awful things that he did.

I know you’ve felt frustration with me and felt as though I’m at times defending your parents’ emotions.  I’ll bet that in a way it feels like I’m excusing Samuel’s actions, but I’m not. I want you to know that I’m not unsympathetic nor am I unphased by the things that you’ve shared, but sometimes I want to be the same calming force in your life as you are within mine.

When we had that blow up a week back, you said you felt like it seemed that I didn’t care what happened to you even though you know it’s not the case. I think I need to clear that up. When you finally told me your secret, I was filled with my own internal rage over it all. I still rage over it, sweetheart. If I start thinking about it too deeply, I start to go quietly insane because of how much I love you. In the same way I start feeling all kinds of regret and heartbreak over what happened to CH … and even worse, on my watch.

I hope you’ll always remind yourself of how much I care when you’re feeling frustrated with things.

Anyway, over here I’ve just been working on some songs. I can’t wait for you to hear some of them. I can’t wait to show you my world properly. I have all these dreams of you coming and hanging out with me at the studio while I’m recording, keeping me company while I’m composing, traveling with me when I decide to tour again.

I want to watch you paint, to be your biggest fan in everything that you do the way you have always cheered me on.

Shit, I really miss you.

I have an appointment with Greg tonight and then I’m going to be giving evidence later in the month. I’ll obviously fill you in more as the time draws near.

Your brother is bullying me to go for a drive or something. I think he wants to go shopping. He shops more than a woman, its crazy. I will leave this here for now.

I love you and I miss you. Sending you all of my love. Be well, be strong and I’m waiting for you!!

Love, M.

I read and reread his note to me dozens of times over. I watched a couple of news reports and felt physically sick.

People could be bought, regardless of who they were and how badly I wanted to trust them.

Michael was right.

Trust no one.

I got up from the bed and wiped my eyes. I changed in to my pyjamas and pulled back the comforter, ready for bed and wondering if I would even be able to sleep.

Did I want to self-harm? Sure.

Was I going to?

Not a fucking chance. Not after my life had been dragged through the world’s media for everyone to dissect beneath a microscope like they think they knew me and as though they could tell if I was good for Michael’s fucking case.

My personal business aside, I was glad the newspaper published a copy of the letter he wrote me. I felt like it showed that he was a good person who genuinely loved me. It would look more favourable to his case.

Interrupting my thoughts was a soft rasp on my door.

“Yeah?” I called from behind it. Kaito had tried three times to come and speak to me, but I wasn’t in the mood. I really did want to be alone.

“It’s just me,” I heard Michael’s voice call. “I’m leaving some tea on this little table outside of your door if you’d like it, it’s English-style. I made it the way you like it…” he added.

I almost burst in to tears at his thoughtfulness, but I managed to get a grip on myself.

It was almost 1 in the morning. He could obviously tell I was still awake from the light escaping in to the hallway from under my bedroom door.

I pulled my grey college sweater over my white tank and opened the door, pulling it inward.

“Thanks, Michael…” I appreciated him so much. He was so good to me, even when I was being a horror to deal with.

The wall table between my room and his was barely big enough to fit a vase on, but he had managed to squeeze a small cup of tea with the teabag still inside it.

I smiled. I wondered when he’d learned to make a cup of tea. The first time I’d stayed at his house, I’d had to make my own because he had no idea how to even boil water. I thought he’d been playing dumb with me, but he was genuinely serious about it.

“Who taught you to make tea?” I asked him with a little smile.

His serious expression melted in to a smile back at me. He wore his pyjamas, too. Blue and white striped pants with a t-shirt that looked similar to the white one I’d been wearing earlier.

“I learned for you…” he replied. He took a step back toward me and lifted the teacup to hand to me. “Are you feeling okay?”

I nodded. “Yeah… just needed to clear my head.”

I saw his eyes avert to my arms almost as if he was looking to see if I’d cut. My sleeves impeded his view of my wrists, so I lifted them and showed him my clean, healed skin. “I’m okay,” I said again, “I promise.”

“I believed you… I didn’t accuse you of anything.”

“I know… but I have a sketchy track record, so of course you’re going to be expecting me to do stupid things,” I replied. Our hallway conversation was growing a little uncomfortable.

I took the tea from him. “Are you off to bed?”

He nodded, “unless you want to talk or hang out for a bit?”

I debated whether or not I wanted to. I knew my brother would probably get up early and then our opportunity for alone time would be long gone.

“Okay,” I agreed. “Is Kaito in bed?”

He nodded. He gestured next door to his room and I figured we were going to hang out in there. It was nice to not have to be concerned for the watchdog that was my brother.

I wasn’t sure if he’d even care that Michael and I were alone in his room, or if he thought that Michael and I were sleeping together, he’d get angry about it.

Once in Michael’s room, I noticed a cup of tea on his own nightstand. Well, actually there were quite a few cups; it was hard to tell at first which one he was drinking from. I gave a little shake of my head. “Michael, this is gross…” I remarked.

He glanced at me with a raised eyebrow, trying to figure out the source of my disgust. “You should take some of these cups out and wash them. They look like they’ve been here for a month of Sundays,” I remarked.

He chuckled sheepishly. “I know, I know… I will tomorrow, I promise.” I put my teacup down and began stacking them to make some room for my own and the one that he was currently drinking from.

“Don’t….” he said, “I’ll fix them, sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry to me,” I managed to laugh too, “it won’t be affecting me when rats come to hang out with you in your bed.”

He gave a shrug, “I’ll just put them with the rest of my pet rats…” he replied smartly. I would have laughed if he was joking, but he wasn’t. My boyfriend was a friggin’ friend of most of the animals… Except dogs, he had shared that he wasn’t a huge fan of dogs.

“I’m sorry about before…” I decided to apologise quietly. “I just needed to be alone to think.”

“That’s okay, I understand,” he replied, sitting on the edge of his bed. I took a seat beside him. It was a bit uncomfortable. I looked around his room and found that it was reasonably clean.

There was always a lot of clutter in Michael’s living space, but it wasn’t as bad as it had been the last time I’d come over. His room at Neverland was ridiculous. It was more like a living space than a bedroom.

A lot of the rooms in the house were large and spacious, but this was incredible. The bathroom was behind two large bi-fold doors. One of them was pushed open and I could see a large tub and a huge vanity. I imagined that the shower recess was on the other side behind the door that was closed.

And back up near our end was a full lounge suite by a beautiful large bay window that looked out over Neverland. He had a ridiculous sized walk-in wardrobe that matched the size of the butler’s pantry in the kitchen that I’d once checked out with wide eyes.

My Mom would have had a field day with this home.

I held my teacup in my hands and stared in to the tea, looking for something to share with him without feeling stupid.

“I never did ask,” he began, “what actually happened last night?”

It had been such a long day, I was unsure if I wanted to even get in to it now that I’d calmed down. “Peyton,” I breathed in, “she’s the one who had been giving me a hard time. She had these meltdowns every night during dinner because she had a eating disorder and I think her behaviour distracted the nurses who were in charge of trying to get her to eat…”

“Uhuh…” Michael listened attentively. I took a sip of my tea.

“Julia and I were sitting close to her and were having a completely unrelated conversation and I laughed at something she said and Peyton must have thought it was about her because she went insane. She came at me, got in my face and called me Mrs. Jackson, I don’t know,” I shrugged, “it kind of happened fast. I warned her to get the fuck out of my face and then she told me I was going to react exactly as I did when my brother was busy raping me; by doing nothing.”

I couldn’t look him in the eyes. In most ways I was glad I didn’t have to hold on to my secret or hold back my feelings in front of him anymore, but it was still awful to have to say the words and for them to actually be true.

I heard him swallow. “What did you do?” he wondered. He put an arm around me, rubbing my shoulder comfortingly.

I smiled wryly and shrugged. “What was I supposed to do?” I asked, “I had my very own meltdown, I had a panic attack and sat with my nurse and demanded to call Kaito and here we are.”

“I’m sorry that happened, my heart…” he said holding on to his cup. “that must have been so awful for you…”

“A nurse came and sat with me and she kinda figure-“ I stopped, “Uh… one nurse knew about you and I…” I told him as if I may have had a suspicion as to who was responsible for selling me out.

“What do you mean?”

I thought for a moment, “I trusted one nurse…” I looked up at him and felt incredibly disappointed in myself. “I know this sounds dumb…” I spoke a little faster, feeling my emotions getting the better of me. “But, I felt like she was my friend.”

“It’s okay, sweetheart, it might not have actually been her…”

“I bet it was…” I said quietly. “I told her that I was dating you… and previous to that, she would sit in with Julia and I when we were painting and Julia constantly asked questions about what it was like to have a boyfriend…”

I saw Michael briefly smile. “She really looked up to you…”

I sighed, “Clair… she never said a lot, she just listened and I talked about you, gushed about you…” I corrected myself, “and one night we were having a chat late at night and I just told her… and she knew about Samuel because of all my night terrors. I never explicitly told her, but if she was looking in my journal, then she could have figured it out – how else did they get that letter you wrote me?”

He could obviously see that I was upset and distressed by the idea that someone who I not only liked, but trusted had completely betrayed me.

“Malania, we don’t know that it was her… but, if it was, then I’m sincerely sorry,” he apologised in a heartfelt way. I knew why, it was because he felt that he was responsible for it.

I am sure it was a lesson he had to learn over and over again.

“How can you ever trust anyone?” I asked him, suddenly realising why, at times Michael seemed absolutely paranoid of people finding out information.

He studied me for a moment and gave me a sympathetic look before shrugging. “You just… take your chances…”

“Like you did with me…?” I pressed.

“No,” he said, shaking his head and producing a sweet smile that spread its way pretty quickly across his gorgeous face, “I was well aware that I could trust you, my biggest fans have always been my greatest allies, and I felt pretty comfortable with you not telling anyone anything when we first started hanging out.”

I felt happy about that. I smiled briefly back at him, but I was still troubled by the idea that someone could lose their professionalism. “How do we proceed? Can we follow up with the suspicions about Clair?”

“Yeah,” he nodded, “I’ll get Greg on it… in the meantime, I need you to completely focus on being well… just attending therapy, settling back in and all of that…”

“And us,” I added with a smile. He was pretty on point when told me Neverland had worked out to be the best place for him. He could do everything he wanted without having to worry about security or people staring. While I was here I’d be able to block everything out without the world peering in at us through a fishbowl.

“And us,” he confirmed.

I drew in a deep breath and sighed. I’d had a history with trying to just block things out and pretend they weren’t happening. I was glad I was actually talking with him about the way I felt, but I was done for the moment. I just wanted to relax. I didn’t want to be constantly in a state of thought.

 “Sorry about the way I told you earlier, I probably should have prepared you better…”

“Can we just hang out?” I asked, “I mean, I just got out of that awful place, I haven’t seen you for almost a month and I’m done talking about the shit actions of everyone else…”

Michael gave a little bit of a chuckle, I knew it wasn’t at my expense, but rather just the situation. “Alright… do you want to go and get something to eat from the kitchen? Your Mom keeps sending Kaito and I packages of cookies and slices.”

I laughed, “my typical Mama… I’ll give her a call tomorrow.” I really missed my parents and I missed my Mama’s cooking like crazy.

“I could totally smash some food right now,” I agreed. I hadn’t really eaten a lot of my dinner.

We both got up and took our tea upstairs for a midnight snack.

**

“Come on, don’t be lazyyyy!” Kaito berated me, trying to pull me out of bed at 6 in the morning.

“Firstly, a lot has changed since we lived in a house together – you don’t barge in to a woman’s room and wake her up,” I told him with annoyance as I shielded my eyes from the daylight that was blasting through the doorway and blinding me.

“What if I was naked!”

“Well you’re not, thank God,” Kaito replied.

“What if Michael and I were in here having private time?”

“Well then I’d kill him,” he shot back answering the question I’d been wondering about the night before.

“You’re going to kill a man in his own home who is kindly letting you camp here for … goodness knows what reason…” I confirmed, “real nice.” I flipped myself over on to my chest and buried my head in to my pillow.

“Buzz off, Kaito, I’m not getting up to go to the gym with you.” I told him resolutely.

I had to give him props for his persistence though. I felt a weight at the end of my bed and realised he had plonked himself down. “Don’t you want to spend some time together?” he asked in a more subdued tone that wasn’t as motivated and upbeat as he had sounded a few seconds ago.

“Not at 6 in the morning,” I yawned.

I heard footsteps and lifted my head to see Michael standing in the doorway in his pajama pants and t shirt looking hot and sleepy. “What’s going on?” he asked amused.

“Michael, get dressed and go to the gym with Kaito… and see yourselves out.” I mumbled.

“Fat chance,” Michael scoffed and disappeared back into his own room.

“You lazy bastards!” Kaito exploded with exasperation. “Malania, don’t you remember how much you used to love running?”

I gave up. I knew he wasn’t going to give up first. I sat up and smoothed down my bed hair. I squinted at him, trying to adjust my eyes to the light. “Kaito, I liked running in elementary school and then I got boobs and I didn’t like running anymore.”

My remark made him blush slightly, but it didn’t deter him or make him feel as uncomfortable as I had hoped. “Maybe you should have better chest support,” he couldn’t help but to mutter.

I finally laughed at him. “Okay, okay, fine… I’ll come down to the gym with you and I’ll watch you work out.”

“You can jog on the treadmill.”

“Nope,” I replied, “no deal.” I flopped back down in to bed.

“Okay, a walk at a moderate pace,” he bargained.

I had no idea what his obsession was with the gym, but I threw back the covers knowing I wasn’t going to get any peace. “Okay, give me ten minutes… sheesh.”

**

Kaito promised he’d wait for me outside. I got changed quickly in to some sweat pants and tied my hair back. I knocked lightly on Michael’s bedroom door.

I heard him call out for me to come in. He was in bed buried some place beneath the covers.

“Its just me…” I murmured.

“Come in, come in…” I closed the door behind me and made my way over to his bed. He pulled the covers back as if he expected me to climb right in beside him.

“Can’t stay…” I muttered resentfully, “I agreed to go to the gym.”

I heard Michael chuckle a soft throaty laugh. It made me want to just crawl right beside him and cuddle up all morning, but I had agreed to something else.

I almost sighed. I took a seat on the edge of the bed, barely being able to make him out since it was so pitch dark. “I just wanted to tell you good morning,” I informed him.

He reached up his arms and I obliged him with a lingering cuddle. It would have just been so easy to curl right there beside him, but I ripped myself away and kissed his cheek. “I’ll be back in a bit… providing he doesn’t make me do some crazy exercising.”

Michael laughed again, “You’re a good sister. He has been harassing me for weeks to work out with him.”

“Great, he’s going to turn me in to iron woman,” I remarked cynically.

“Well, so long… have fun…” Michael waved me off with a little snicker. I reluctantly let myself out of his room and met my brother outside in the freezing, crisp morning air.

He tried to galvanize me getting me to race him to the gym.

He won.

**

“Mal, pass me that weight, will you?” Kaito pointed to a plate resting against a rack at the head of the bench press, where I was perched.

He was super serious about exercise. I couldn’t help but to be surprised that my brother was absolutely ripped. He’d mostly been wearing long sleeved shirts or hoodies, but now he stood before a mirror lifting weights with his muscles bulging through his white wife beater.

I picked up the plate that felt much heavier than the 25lbs engraved into its side. I handed it over to him with two hands. I watched him fasten one to each end of the barbell.

“Seriously, can’t I just go back to bed?” I asked.

“No…” he said, seriously as he squatted down with his feet hip-width, bar on the floor in front of him, and gripped it wide before rising up into a deadlift. I laid myself back on the bench press and closed my eyes with a sigh. “I wanted to talk to you…”

“Okay, so talk…” I commanded. “And you have about five minutes to get to the point or else I’m leaving.”

He lifted silent, apart from a few grunts of exertion, for a few moments until I heard the heavy sound of the plates hitting the floor.  I opened my eyes to find him rolling a movable bench towards me. It was weird how the gym seemed akin to something that could make Michael some money, yet none of it had been used til Kaito came on the scene.

“You know, I’m genuinely pleased that you’ve ended up with someone like Michael,” he told me, “he is one of the nicest guys I’ve ever come across and we’ve actually become really good friends these past few weeks.”

“I know, I can tell.” I replied, slowly sitting up. I yawned.

In some ways, I was truly pleased they got along so well, but there was a small part of me that wished he could have got to know Michael when he and my relationship had had the chance to bloom a little first.

“At the end of the day though, Michael is still a man and he’s a lot older than you and a lot more worldly than you… You’re really fragile, still… and you’re my baby sister so-“

My brother looked at me with seriousness and I couldn’t help to feel a breeze of annoyance hit me. I hated that everyone felt as though I was going to break. I tossed my hair over my shoulder and stared at him for a moment.

“Am I fragile, though?” I asked smartly. “I mean, call me crazy, but I’d like to think that I’m a strong, smart, young woman who is old enough to start making some independent decisions in life.”

He frowned and looked down to his suspiciously white sneakers.

“Well… you know what I mean…” he corrected himself. “You’re my baby sister, I don’t want anyone to take advantage of you, and I want to protect you.”

“Trust me,” I began, “I don’t need protection from Michael; I can make all of my own decisions.”

Kaito ran his fingers through his hair. “Mal, it’s just really early days in the relationship… I don’t want to see you make any bad decisions.”

I narrowed my eyes, “I’m confused, are we talking about sex here, Kaito?” I asked him bluntly. “Because I’m not a virgin,” I told him feeling a little apprehensive, “you don’t have to worry.”

He sighed. I knew I was frustrating him and I realised that he was only trying to be my big brother, but I wasn’t used to someone looking out for me and I wasn’t entirely used to feeling so strong within myself or being able to convey my feelings properly, but I found that therapy had definitely helped me pave that skill for me over the later stay in the treatment centre.

“Malania,” he growled with a slight loss of temper, “don’t be difficult and don’t get defensive when I’m trying to look out for you. Don’t try to shut me down by saying stupid things that you think will make me give up. I am not giving up.”

I felt slightly guilty. “I’m sorry, but I don’t know what you’re so worried about. You didn’t answer my question, are you referring to sex?”

“Not entirely,” he muttered.

“Well, if you are, just know that’s my business. Michael is not a billion years older than me, it’s just a few years and I am smart enough to make good choices, so forget it.”

“Okay,” he said simply. “Forget it then…”

I figured he was a little bit hurt, but what the hell was I supposed to do? Vow not to have a private viewing of Michael’s penis at a later date?

“Kaito, I appreciate you looking out for me,” I added, “I’m glad you’re back from England and you’re home with us… there’s no one else I’d rather have by my side.”

He finally smiled, his frustrated expression melted away with it. “Thanks, Mal, it was definitely the right choice.”

“I’m excited about having our own place too… even if I do love it here.”

“Yeah, I’ll take you to see it soon, I just don’t want to chance anyone giving you a hard time or following us anywhere. Michael suggested we wait til things die down a bit.”

I nodded in agreement.

“Is it putting you out to buying a whole new house just so I can live close?” I asked him curiously. I wondered if I had put a financial strain on anyone. I knew my parents had faced a hefty bill due to my hospital stay that Michael had ended up footing for me.

“No…” he said. “Michael helped me get a good deal.”

“I know, but… the place looked expensive. I don’t want you to go beyond your means, Kaito, you’re too young to get yourself in to debt just for me.”

He shook his head. “Mal, can I tell you something that doesn’t leave these walls?”

I nodded. “I made a lot of money in England. I followed Dad’s advice and bought my own flat,” he explained, “I made almost two million dollars while I was there. The airline paid for all of my rent and so I put all of those savings in to some low risk markets, on top of that and when I wanted to move, the flat was prime location and had increased in value in the real estate boom… so, I walked out really well off.”

I was surprised but not really overly shocked. My family had been very well off until Samuel happened. My Dad was an incredible investor plus he had a very lucrative job as a pilot when I was a child, but retired and ended up becoming a vice president of the service development.

Kaito was the perfect protégé.

“Maybe I should get a job in the aviation business,” I joked.

“You could, I could totally help you get started… it’s a great job,” he promised me as if my remark had any merit to it.

“No offense, but planes are your and Papa’s thing, I’m not all that interested. I need to figure out what kind of things an artist can do to make a viable living and then I’ll start doing that.” I replied.

Kaito thought for a moment, “your art is amazing, Mal, you could make money from it.”

I shrugged. Art was a love job, perhaps when I studied it, I was way more idealistic and saw myself living in Monmarte on the outskirts of Paris as some kind of Bohemian artist who sold her original art to both tourists and locals and made ends meet.

Ridiculous in hindsight.

My parents had been right, art was a stupid degree. What could I do with that degree? Teach classes at a community college? Curate a sub-par gallery that looked like a ghost town during the week?

I gave a sigh at my own private and bitter resolve.

“Don’t worry, Mal, you have time to figure it out…” he told me as if he were reading my mind.

“Can I go back to bed now?” I asked him. I had enough of heart-to-heart for the morning.

“Only if you get on the treadmill and show me that you are still capable of physical activity. One minute jog, come on…”

I hauled my ass off the bench press and made my way to the treadmill without an argument. Getting my body ready for someone to see it naked probably wasn’t a bad idea, I thought, fleetingly.

“Nice…” Kaito smiled with an encouraging nod.

I let him show me how the buttons worked. I wasn’t used to working with fancy equipment. It had been a long time since I’d been on a run to let off some steam. Even Raia had suggested physical exercise to help deal with stress.

I immediately regretted it as the belt began to rotate faster and faster and my chest began to burst for air.

I glared at my brother who watched me gleefully. I had never hated him more.