I was disappointed when both Michael and Kaito bustled in to my room together. I needed to talk to Michael; I hugged them both tightly and was so happy to see both their faces but especially Michael.

“Hi my heart,” Michael murmured, drawing away from me slowly. Even though I was disappointed that I wouldn’t have one-on-one time with him, I still couldn’t wipe the smile from my face.

Michael grinned at me; that knee-weakening, heart-thumping, intoxifying grin that made my chest want to explode. There were no gimmacks that day. No make up, no fake moustache, no cap, no buck teeth—nothing, just Michael, raw and stripped back, the way that I liked him.

He was so, so, so gorgeous.

I realised that I was just gazing at him and he was doing the same. It was probably the most awkward thing for my brother to witness but I was pretty sure we’d both momentarily forgotten him. He held both of my hands beside our waists and finally again he hugged me. “You look so good,” he whispered, but I was sure my brother still heard.

“You do too… as always…”

I loved the way he engulfed me in his arms. His arms were thin but their strength was deceiving. I felt him draw me in, allowing myself to press myself against him. I breathed a silent sigh of contentedness.

Of belonging.

I had never felt as though I belonged anywhere on the earth. It was as though I was the outsider, always looking in, as I’d once described to Michael. Life happened around me, I watched the world turn but I didn’t ever feel like I was part of that.

I breathed him in, burying my nose in to his neck, inhaling the overpowering scent of his cologne and deodorant. “I missed you…” I murmured, kissing his neck.

“I missed you too,” he smiled as he slowly allowed me a minute before drawing away. I guessed he had become very aware that we had an audience.

It wasn’t like we hadn’t seen each other the night before, but still, it always felt wonderful to see him.

Even though I’d reluctantly pulled away, I couldn’t get my eyes off him. He was gorgeous in a casual and very unlike him, black hooded sweatshirt and a pair of dark blue jeans that were ill-fitted.

“Okay, okay, cut the mushy stuff, I get it, you both want to make total googly eyes with each other the whole time,” Kaito broke in, “but I’m here too…”

I laughed and finally let go of Michael. I turned to him, “did you guys come together?”

“Yeah, Mike offered me a ride,” he told me.

“Mike?” I rose an eyebrow and turned from Kaito to Michael as if asking where the nickname came from. Michael just chuckled and gave a shrug.

I dropped it, “thanks for coming, I wasn’t expecting either of you, I actually made some plans to do some painting with my friend, Julia, can you guys give me five?”

I saw a flicker of a smile on Michael’s face. He was happy that I’d made a friend, he had kept saying that to me, though there was nothing amazing about being friends with a sixteen year old.

It was hard to explain to Julia that she couldn’t meet my boyfriend. She had so many questions, she wanted so badly to hang out and meet my family – probably because her own family had all but checked out on her.

I went to explain to her that I had important visitors. I had confided in her earlier that the psychologist wanted me to have a joint therapy session with Michael before I could get clearance for day leave with him.

I understood why, but I was nervous about approaching him on the issue.

When I came back, I was pleased to find Michael and Kaito laughing incredibly hard at something silly. I didn’t even understand the joke that I’d walked in to that left them laughing so hard they couldn’t even breathe.

I let them go and waited for them to calm down, totally loving the fact that they were enjoying each other’s company.

“Hey look, I got you something…” Kaito told me, getting up after recovering from his laughter. He went to a bag and pulled out a container. “Its Mama’s Kifli.”

It was a bunch of different cakes Mom had made for me. I was excited about that.

“You didn’t get me anything, Mama did all the work here…” I told him, lifting the lid and inhaling the scent of the powdered sugar. “Thanks though…”

“How is your friend, did she understand?”

I nodded, “Yeah, she wanted to come and meet you guys, but obviously…”

Michael frowned, I knew he felt bad about it, but there was no alternative. If she slipped to anyone, or if she couldn’t control herself, there would be a problem for me.

“I’m sorry,” Michael murmured in apology.

“No, that’s fine,” I shook my head, “she doesn’t get a lot of visitors though, I think she’s trying to hone in on my family…”

“I’m sorry my heart, I just want to protect you,” he replied.

“I know, don’t stress…” I smiled at him. “So what’s happening?” I turned to Kaito, “how’s Mom and Dad and what’s Mama’s excuse for not coming to see me for three days?”

Kaito eyed me, wondering if that was a subject he could talk about in front of Michael. “Its okay, Kaito,” I told him, “Michael knows everything…”

“Oh…” he was a little comfortable, in fact both of them were.

“Mama’s struggling with seeing you in here. She’s gone to Aunt Katia’s house for a couple of days. Dad took her yesterday.”

I rolled my eyes. My aunt was a pain in the ass we all tried to see her as little as possible, including my father. She was intrusive and overbearing and helped my mother’s highly-strung attitude very, very little. “Whatever. It must be so hard to come here and visit me, given how much she struggled with turning a blind eye to her favourite son…”

“Don’t get worked up,” Michael told me gently.

“You’re right, though,” Kaito said, “I probably shouldn’t have told you that, I’m sorry.”

“No, be honest, I want you to be honest with me. It helps me make better decisions about who to trust and who I know I can and can’t rely on,” I replied, thinking back to my earlier psychologist session where we had talked about my supports.

Raia and I had talked in short about my abuse. I had shared just a little bit more with her in my previous session, but it was still an incredibly hard topic to touch on where I found myself restricted to one word answers. Yes I was molested. Yes it happened more than once. Yes, my abuser stayed in my life after he committed it.

In this session, I’d shared that it was my brother.

I didn’t want to go further in to it, so instead, she let it go and asked other questions.

“So we’ve talked about Michael, about what he does and how you fit in to his life, I was wondering, what’s his take on your past?”

I thought of Michael and how wonderful and amazing he had been. I remembered the night he had walked in after my nightmare and had said and done all the perfect things until I had calmed down.

“He’s perfect,” I told her, being brutally honest. “He knows all the right things to say, he knows how to be physically comforting and he knows the right indicators I send out when I need my own space and he’s very respectful of that.”

“Have you gone in to any details with him?”

“Yeah… he knows everything,” I nodded.

“What was it about Michael that made you feel comfortable enough to share all of that with him?” she wondered.

I looked at the psychologist who had her hair tied back. “He’s been hurt too. He understands. He knows how ill-spirited people can be and especially how badly you can be hurt by the people that claim to love you the most.”

I was careful with what I said, I didn’t want to give away any information that wasn’t appropriate.

“So you feel like you both relate in terms of trauma?” she asked.

I nodded.

“Aside from that, what’s your relationship like? How is your communication?”

“We laugh together a lot,” I told her, “he knows how to cheer me up, he is really funny and creative and I like to be creative too.”

“And what about physically, given your past? How do you find having to be physically intimate, has that ever been a problem for you?” I felt myself tense a little bit.

“I haven’t…” I shook my head, “not since … you know.” I breathed in, feeling my throat closing and a lump forming.

Truly, it was my biggest fear. I didn’t want to disappoint him. I wanted to be brave and I wanted to function like a regular adult woman. He was a giant turn on, his kisses turned me to liquid, his arms around me were protective and the trust I had in him was implicit, but I wasn’t quite sure that my body was ever going to allow me to cooperate.

“I can see that you’ve become a little bit upset by that idea,” she remarked.

“No shit, am I supposed to just find it easy? If it were that easy, I would have slept around,” I admitted to her. “Right now I just want to be a good girlfriend, I don’t want him to second guess his decisions with me.”

“Do you think he has expectations of you on a sexual level?” she asked me point-blank.

“Not at this point but he will… and I won’t know how to deal with it.” I paused, feeling my eyes fill up with tears, “there’s only so long he can go without being frustrated with me…” I quickly wiped the tears, “what have I done?” I asked rhetorically.

I could feel the anxiousness engulfing me. Raia handed me a box of tissues. She reminded me of the breathing exercises we’d been through together in one of my other appointments.

Once I’d calmed down, she asked me more questions, and the most important one; that if I was comfortable, would I involve Michael in a joint therapy session so that we would be able to talk through my intimacy issues.

At first I was against it, but more questions followed.

“How do you find Michael’s public persona? Does it make things feel difficult?” she asked.

“Well not yet. I don’t care about what the public thinks, I don’t care about his fame… I just want him.”

“But you know that this might be a hurdle at some stage, especially given the situation that he faces.”

I nodded. “He won’t go to jail,” I said with certainty. I wouldn’t allow it to enter my brain that he might end up getting convicted. “He is not guilty.”

“Does any of what he is being accused of trigger anything within you?”

“No,” I said, “I don’t care what was said because its not true. He is not capable of it…”

Raia didn’t say anything to that. It wasn’t her place to judge. “Michael is sensitive, he is tender and he is so full of love, he couldn’t even harm a fly… He will protect me from everything that he can, his public persona and the allegations against me, included.”

“You have very deep feelings for him, I can see that,” she remarked with a little smile. “What do you think about having a joint-therapy session with him?”

“I don’t know that he’d feel comfortable with that, he’s very private.”

“This therapy is a safe space, Malania, everything that gets said here is strictly confidential.” She paused, not allowing me to respond straight away, “he’s been visiting you a lot, from what I understand?”

I nodded.

“Can you think of anything that you’d like to be able to discuss with him where you might need or want some extra support?” she asked.

I thought of the things we had talked about; intimacy, sex, not punishing him for someone else’s mistakes. “Maybe,” I replied, a little choked up. “Maybe about being intimate… and I worry about him because…” I drew in a deep breath, “he is being so strong for me, but he’s under so much stress and I can’t physically be there to comfort him, that’s why I keep asking about my day releases. I wish he had an outlet like this.” I admitted, feeling like I could have given a great, big contented sigh.

 “Well, pending my professional assessment, I will be able to say yes or no to your request for day trips to see him.”

I felt like it was almost like a bribe. But, what else was I to do?

“Okay, I’ll talk to him and see how he’s going to feel about that, but I feel uncomfortable having to even ask him.”

“It could be good for the both of you to get these lines of communication open.”

And so I wanted some time alone with Michael to bring it up, to see how he felt about it. I knew he would have some serious reservations and I didn’t blame him.

I felt guilty for it, but I wanted to be alone with him. I wanted day release, I wanted to be able to not have someone watching me all the frigging time.

We all chatted a little for awhile but Kaito was quickly getting the hint that we wanted to be alone, which I was thankful for.

“Do you guys want some alone time? I can go for a walk if you want…”

“No, don’t be crazy…” Michael replied quickly, but I knew he was just being polite. Of course we wanted alone time.

“Actually, just a few minutes,” I said, “if that’s okay, sorry K.”

He smiled, grinned, actually, “Of course, I’ll go for a walk and have a chat to the nurses. Who knows, maybe I can meet myself a nice girl?” he joked.

I rolled my eyes. He laughed and waved, letting himself out of the room.

Michael got up and came to sit beside me on the bed, glad for Kaito to be gone. He seemed genuinely pleased to be with me. He smiled and took my hand and entwined my fingers within his.

“So, how have you really been?” he wanted to know.

I shrugged. “Struggling this morning a little bit,” I told him honestly.

“Yeah?” he drew his eyes up, staring at me with concern. “What’s happened, my heart?”

I avoided his eyes, “this morning my therapist and I had a long discussion about you and I… and it…” I paused, trying to find the bravery to bring it up. My eyes began to fill with tears, not being able deal with his expectancy.

“What is it?” he asked, letting go of my hand, putting an arm around me, “you can trust me…”

“it occurred to me that maybe I’ve led you on.”

Instantly his arm released me, I knew it stung him. “What, what do you mean?”

I wiped my eyes with the back of my hands. “I mean, it feels unfair of me to do this to you, to start a relationship –or whatever this is… and then to not be able to be physically intimate with you.”

“Oh,” he suddenly realised the issue. “Malania,” he started, “we can talk about this you know, we’re both adults… I’m not embarrassed.”

I was. I felt like a fucking child.

“My therapist wants me to involve you in a therapy session with us. Given what you’re going through, she wants to meet you and make sure we are not just making each other’s issues worse.”

“Me?” he asked, “she wants me to attend?”

I nodded. “I understand if you don’t want to… I feel sick thinking about having to expose you to something you don’t want to do.”

“No,” he said firmly, “I’m supporting you and I’m one hundred percent supporting your treatment. I’ve told you that from the start. I will be there, you just tell me when, my heart.”

A wave of relief washed over me. I expected things to suddenly get a bit tense. But no, Michael was a dreamboat to deal with.

“And listen, you’re not leading me on. I’m a big boy, I can make my own decisions when it comes to you. I don’t feel like you’re leading me on, Malania, you’re my girl, I want to get through this with you.”

He knew the right thing to say. “Won’t it be hard for you?” I asked, “talking to a therapist about sex and intimacy with me?”

He smiled, “I didn’t say it’ll be easy, but we’ll fumble through it, it’ll be okay.” he said resolutely.

“Thanks…”

“She said that after she can clear that you and I are not self-destructive, she’ll approve day release for you. I asked about my family, if I could get day release with them and she said at this point she didn’t think it was a good idea.”

Michael was smiling. “Well, if you’ve told her anything about your family, I can understand her reaction.”

I turned to him, he reached up and took my cheeks in both of his hands. His hands were almost never warm and I almost always felt shock by how hard they were—it was as though he had been working in construction forever. I didn’t care, his touch made up for it. He was always sensual without even trying.

His fingers buried themselves in my hair, behind my ears. He kissed my lips softly and wiped the last of my tears with his thumb. “Don’t cry, don’t stress… I’ll do whatever I can to help…” he promised.

“What if I never want to sleep with you.”

He smiled, his cheeks flushing slightly, he averted his eyes from mine and looked at my lips. “That’s not going to happen.”

“How do you know?”

He chuckled, “I just know, I am confident that I can help you differentiate the difference between love and abuse when it comes to making love.”

I almost shivered but I was interiorly conflicted since I also felt my heart beating incredibly fast with anxiousness at the very thought.

He kissed me again. “I hope so…” I murmured.

“Have faith in yourself,” he told me, “in me. It’ll be alright, we’re going to take our time. I’m happy with the way things are between us.”

I nodded.

“So… day release, hey?” he changed the subject, “what do you want to do?” he asked, “anything you want, I’ll set it up.”

“Well… we probably can’t go stepping out in public. I really don’t want anyone to treat me different if they find out you’re my …” I stopped. What was he? “my um…”

“boyfriend?” he supplied. He grinned, “is that what I am to you?”

I laughed, “I don’t know… are you?”

“I guess…” he was embarrassed, I could tell the way he kept averting his eyes from mine, “If you’re happy with that, I’d love that to be the case.”

“So, I’m your girlfriend?” I pressed, fobbing off my reluctance and my anxieties.

“Well, considering I all but pledged my love for you to your father earlier, I think that’s probably an appropriate title.”

I almost asked if he loved me, but I stopped myself because he was careful to word his sentence so as not to profess it. I felt a little giddy. I was Michael Jackson’s girlfriend. What. The. Fuck.

“You look happy about that…” he remarked.

I giggled, “Yeah, I am very happy with that.” I looked down shyly. He pressed his lips against mine. “Can’t wait to start living our future.”

The future was in question given Michael’s situation, but neither of us wanted to recognise it.

“Me too.” I murmured.

He pulled away from me after caressing my hair and kissing me again.

“How’s Kaito, how come you guys came together?” I asked him.

Michael shrugged, “I wanted to get to know him a bit and make sure his heart is on the same page as mine.”

There was a big part of me that felt affection for him for being so protective, but I was also a bit miffed that he was suspicious of my big brother. “Kaito is okay, he has me at heart.”

“I know, we had a good chat. He has some news for you that I’m sure he’ll tell you, but before he does—I wanted to ask you point blank, are you comfortable moving in with him after you leave, or do you think its better that you stick with your parents or Anica?”

I shrugged.

“Well, my door is always open, you already know that.”

“I think Kaito is a good option. I think he’s going to be my best advocator when dealing with my family.”

“I think so too,” he agreed. “After Kaito and I leave, would you like me to come back on my own?”

I nodded, “that would be great.”

Michael smiled, “Okay, great…”

**

 Julia and I sat cross-legged on each end of my bed, both crocheting away from each end of the blanket we were working on together. It was a bit of a dog’s breakfast but she was so proud of it.

“I am so excited, I can’t wait to see my baby brother,” Julia informed me. She was supposed to be going home in two weeks, having completed the eight week treatment program.

“You’ve done so well, you should be really proud of yourself,” I told her, “I know I’m proud of you, your parents must be…”

She shrugged, ducking her head with embarrassment at my compliments.

“My Mom called me yesterday, they are leaving for Vegas the day that I get out of here, so I’m going to visit with a friend of the family until they get home.”

I felt for her. Her parents obviously had no issue ignoring her. “What do your parents do?”

“Its lame…” she murmured, “it’s a bit of a secret,” she began, “but… well, can I trust you?”

“Of course,” I showed her my buttoned lips.

She reluctantly opened her mouth. “my Dad is a movie star… you’d know him.”

“Really?” I was surprised. “I won’t ask who, but maybe you can tell me later when we’ve both left here.”

“Okay,” she agreed, “I’m not allowed to tell anyone anyway. I just get in the way of my mother, she wants to have a glam lifestyle,” Julia explained, crocheting away like it was nothing, “and so me being sick is a giant pain in the ass.”

“What about your Dad?” I asked, “what does he make of it?”

“Well, he tries to keep us all happy, but he won’t come and see me because he doesn’t want to risk anyone finding out that his daughter is in rehab, bad publicity for them… he’s on location anyway. Mom just doesn’t cope with me well.”

I felt awful for her. “Surely there’s a way they could sneak your Dad in…” I thought about Michael and how it was a bit irritating to some nurses, but mainly everyone went above and beyond for our confidentiality.

Julia shrugged, “It doesn’t matter. They think its all a poor little rich girl syndrome.”

“Why do you cut?” I asked her, “I mean, what made you want to?”

She thought about my question for a moment and shrugged again. She gave me a wry smile. “I don’t fit in,” she said simply, “and sometimes it gets too much.”

I thought of Michael. He often said the same to me. He never fit in. I felt it too. Maybe the pain of solitude did have something to do with our self-harm; some weird kind of commonality.

“What about you?” she asked me.

I sucked in a deep breath, I should have expected the question, but it sent me reeling a tiny bit. I decided to be honest as she had been with me. “Someone in my family abused me and my parents turned a blind eye and constantly defended that family member for years--- and so it left me feeling similar. Alone, not belonging, all of those things.”

Julia sighed. “Do you think even though we’re a bit broken, we’ll be able to piece ourselves together and live normal lives at some stage?”

“Absolutely.” I nodded with confidence, “we just need one person to believe in us…”

“Who’s that person for you?” she asked.

“Peter and my brother Kaito,” I told her without flinching. They were definitely my two biggest supports. “And you?”

“You…” she replied bluntly.