Michael looked so peaceful, I couldn’t bare to wake him. I edged out from next to him and got up. I remembered he’d put the number he was supposed to call Carsen on, in his jacket pocket. It was on the coat rack. I retrieved it and went to the mantle in the hall and made the phone call to tell Carsen to come and get him in the morning.

I found a blanket and laid it out over him, deciding to let him sleep. I leaned over and pressed my lips against his temple. I loved him. He smelled divine. He always did. He smelled clean and soapy and his skin had traces of cologne that made me want to continue kissing him all over his face.

He stirred slightly and opened his eyes. He went to sit up. “Its okay,” I whispered, having just turned the lights out, “just close your eyes, I’ve called Carsen. He’ll pick you up in the morning.”

Michael was obviously too tired to argue. He just shifted in to a more comfortable position and closed his eyes. “Goodnight, beautiful.”

“Goodnight baby,” I murmured. It was the first time I gave him a pet name – or anyone, really. It felt odd, but it suited him. I wanted him to be mine, I didn’t want any other woman near him the way I got near to him.

I went to the kitchen where I knew I could find my parents; both probably enjoying tea together as they sometimes did after dinner.

“You need to say something!” I heard my mother hiss, “I will not have that man come in here and try to defile my daughter under our roof!” she spat the words at him angrily.

I rose an eyebrow and felt my own anger rising. I knew she was furious about Michael kissing me. I just was surprised it upset her so much.

My Dad saw me before my mother did. “Are you serious right now?” I asked, pulling a sliding door closed that partitioned the hall from the kitchen. I didn’t want Michael to wake up to us arguing if things got a little heated.

My mother looked surprised. “What happened?” Dad asked me, “did he try to take advantage off of you?”

I laughed with disgust. “Did he try to take advtange of me?” I glared at my mother, “I am almost twenty-three years old!” I wanted to explode, but I kept my voice as hushed as I could, “he didn’t try to take advantage of me!”

“Okay, okay, honey, please be calm…” Dad held up his hands, trying to halt me, but I was so mad with my mother.

“I don’t want this man to defile you,” my mother repeated, “you are in a very vulnerable state.”

“Oh,” I threw my head back, “suddenly now your English becomes perfect.” I shook my head, “And since when the fuck did you start caring about someone defiling me?” I shot back at her, “it’s a little bit late for that wouldn’t you say?”

She retreated, hurt. My Dad grew angry with me. He didn’t like me speaking back to her using foul language, but I was done. I was so mad. “Malania, apologise to your mother, immediately.”

“I will not.” I narrowed my eyes at my mother. It was impossible for me to any angrier. “Michael is the most beautiful, patient and kind man I have ever met. We cares about me and I don’t really care what either of you think. Mind your business, the both of you.”

I went to turn my heel, “And, I added, for your information, I asked for him to kiss me. I’m probably defiling him.”

I opened the door and closed it behind me, letting it shut loudly. I was going to go to bed, but instead I went back to the living room and turned the TV on softly. Michael was still sleeping heavily. I snuggled next to him, pulling the blanket over me. I concentrated on a true crime show and tried to calm the rage burning within me.

I couldn’t wait to go to therapy and come home and get a job and start my life to get the hell away from my family home. It was too toxic to be around.

**

I opened my eyes and remembered that I had gone to my room at some point during the night.

My Dad had discovered me watching TV and asked to chat. He’d told me my language and attitude toward my mother was out of line but he also agreed with me that I was an adult, but he too, worried for me.

And somehow, that I could handle. I could handle Dad being concerned about any choices I made when I was still generally unwell in my head. I could even handle my mother feeling like that, but I didn’t appreciate when she tried to go behind my back and make my father the bad guy.

“You can’t keep speaking like that to your Mama. She is having a very hard time with this as well and she is trying very hard.”

“Dad,” I told him angrily, “I’m so sorry that she’s having a hard time with my abuse, but you’ll have to forgive me for not feeling too bad about that. I don’t need to constantly be feeling guilty for her upset and shame over it—what about me, and what I feel?”

“This is something we will all need to work on as a family, Malania-chan can’t you see that? Your mother loves you so much.”

“I don’t care about anyone elses feelings right now, Dad, I’m trying so hard to get my mind around every single day. Michael is the one thing that actually makes sense to me and I’m going to protect that with everything that I have.”

My father looked at me with pity, I knew that look. I knew he agreed with me but he was trying so hard for my mother. “Sweetheart, Michael is a nice man, we like him but his life is very tumultuous right now, we are just worried. Please be careful.”

“Okay.” I accepted it. “But let me deal with it.”

I’d informed him that Michael was too exhausted to go home, that he’d be sleeping on the couch.

Michael was still asleep where I’d left him. I didn’t want him to be uncomfortable when he woke up, so I made sure I stayed close to the living room. He looked so sweet and peaceful, sleeping soundly with his hands beneath his head in a prayer-like position.

I could hear my mother in the kitchen making coffee or tea or something. I didn’t want to leave on bad terms and I hated that I kept snapping at her. My early morning resolve was a little less hateful and blaming, I always seemed to get a conscience about me after hurtful words were spoken.

“Mama?” I softly called out as I entered the kitchen. I knew since I’d been home, my presence had made her nervous. She was nervous that I was angry with her and nervous that I would snap at her – and for good reason, I’d been very snappy with her.

She looked up from the kitchen counter where she was stirring a pot of tea. Some of the nicest memories I’d had with my mother was drinking tea – the English way with her and playing card games with her. She always used to let me cheat and get away with it.

“Yes draga?” she just smiled at me. She always did, even when she was angry or sad or – nervous, she gave me her best. I did love her very much for that.

“Mama, I’m sorry,” I apologised.

She pretended to not know why. She looked so puzzled as if my apology could have knocked her over with a feather. “For speaking to you the way I did last night. I know you’re worried about me but you have no reason to be concerned.”

“Its okay.”

I hugged her tightly and kissed her cheek. “I love you Mama.”

“I love you too my sweet heart.”

I smiled at her. “I’m going to wake Michael up,” I told her, “he will probably want to go home.”

“Draga,” Mama said softly, lowering her voice, “I do like him, he is very nice to you, but I’m very afraid that when things get better for him, he might forget about you.”

I shook my head, “I don’t think that will happen,” I had considered that. I tried not to let my insecurities get a look in and was playing it day by day. “Michael really cares about me, I know that’s a fact.”

“Okay my sweet,” she murmured, “I am sorry that I overreacted when I saw him kiss you.”

I felt my cheeks blushing. “Mama,” I couldn’t help but tell her cheekily, “I asked him to kiss me.”

She looked at me stunned for a moment before she smiled too. I knew she was okay.

**

“Good morning…” I tucked a lock of hair behind my ear as I leaned over Michael, propping myself up on my hand beside his head, as if pinning him to the couch.

He grinned at me. What a sight, first thing in the morning, I thought. For the first time ever, since I’d known him truly as a friend, he struck me as being sexy.

Incredibly sexy.

He pointed to his lips as his grin dissolved slowly, “kiss me…” he commanded in a playful voice. I obliged him, my lips planting softly against his.

“Good morning to you too, bunny.”

“Bunny?” I laughed, “what the hell?”

“Its cute, don’t you think?” he asked, easing himself up, “that’s my new pet name for you, I’ve decided. Is it okay?”

I laughed again. “I’m not totally sure, but let’s see how it takes off.”

“Hey,” he said a bit seriously, settling back on the couch. I sat beside him, facing him with my legs crossed. I leaned my head on the cushion behind me.

“Hi…” I smiled.

He chuckled, “I just wanted to say thanks for letting me sleep here. I’m sorry for falling asleep on you, I was just so tired. And thank you for calling Carsen for me.”

“You’re welcome…” I smiled. “Will you stay here this morning and help me pack some things?”

“Okay. Were your folks alright that I stayed?”

“Of course, its fine.” I responded. I felt him playing with my hair absently as he did. I could see his mind wandering a little bit.

“Hey, do you think that I could take you out for breakfast this morning?” he asked, “I mean, it’ll be a bit impractical as is most eating-out experiences with me, but… I figure we can grab some food to go, like we did on the beach…”

I smiled thinking back to us hanging out at Pismo; one of the first glimpses of my beautiful, Michael. “I don’t care what we do, I just love hanging out with you alone.”

“Okay, great. Is your Mom up? I’ll go say good morning and call Carsen.”

**

Carsen found us a nice park not too far from my parents place, about 15 minutes away. At 8:45 in the morning, it was pretty crisp out, but the sun was shining.

We both had coffee and a turkey and cream cheese bagel thanks to Carsen. “Can you wait in the car, Malania and I might like to have a walk on our own, if you think its safe?”

“Sure, Mr. Jackson, I’ll keep an eye out for ya’ll.”

Michael held my coffee for me while I got out of the SUV. The park was pretty huge with a small little meadow to the left of it and a large, pine playground to the right. There was a small pergola directly ahead of us that remained empty – in fact, the whole park was.

We walked together slowly toward the pergola as if it were an unspoken decision to sit there. “Are you okay? Not too cold?” he wondered.

“I’m fine, thanks.” I smiled back at him. “How was your chat with my Mama?”

He chuckled and nodded, “Yeah, your Mom is a tough one, I’m not sure that she likes me.”

“Nah, she’s okay, she likes you, but she just likes me more. She’s never seen me with a man in any kind of romantic capacity. I think it freaks her out a bit,” I explained.

“Maybe she’ll warm to me eventually when you’re well and this case against me has gone away and she realises I’m serious about you,” he said casually, as if not realising the weight of his words.

We reached the bench beneath the pergola and sat down on the steel seat. The coldness of it sent chills almost to my bones, but since Michael didn’t complain, I didn’t either.

“I’m sure she will,” I replied, “don’t worry,” I added as I took a bite of bagel, setting down my coffee beside me.

He did too. It was a bit dry, but I didn’t mind. I liked that we were beside one another, hanging out in the fresh air, completely alone.

“So how are you feeling about going to the treatment facility?” he asked, sipping his coffee.

I shrugged. “I haven’t thought much about it this morning, but I also agree with what you said, the quicker I am done with it, the quicker I can be out.”

He smiled at me and nodded. “I think that’s definitely the kind of attitude you need to help get you through.”

We sat together, eating, watching a few ducks around the meadow. I knew we were both thinking about the week ahead and how we were going to deal.

Michael finished his bagel before me and picked his coffee back up, holding it in one hand. He slipped an arm around my shoulder and relaxed. “Will you come visit me?” I asked, turning to face him.

“Just try to keep me away…” he retorted with a little glint in his deep, chestnut eyes. I always found myself drowning in them. “I’ll be calling you as soon as you’re allowed to have calls and I’ll be speaking with the facility about getting to visit you in confidence.”

“Thanks Michael, I know its not entirely easy for you just to walk in, so I appreciate it.”

“You’re worth it…” he murmured. I smiled at him, regretting the fact that I even had to blink, not wanting to miss a second of him staring back at me. I summoned up the courage and kissed him without being asked, without asking him, just because I wanted to. I’d been working up the nerve since the previous morning, but in the end, I had bailed out and asked him.

His lips were slightly parted and a little cool from the wind. I felt his hand at my knee, just resting, but it zapped me full of goose bumps and tingles that made my heart want to explode in my chest.

When I pulled away just slightly, he rested his forehead against mine and stared at my lips for a moment. His eyes found mine and we shared a smile. “Yeah…” he nodded, pulling away from me, “you’re definitely worth it.”

“Coffee breath and all?”

“Who are you kidding?” He jibed me, finger in my ribs, “You kissed me first thing in the morning when I probably had foul morning breath.”

I smiled playfully, “Yeah, it was pretty rancid,” I joked, “but I wanted to be the bigger person and not make you feel bad about it.”

He laughed and swatted my hand away when I tried to tell him I was joking. “You are a cruel, cruel woman…”

I just winked at him and his laughing dissolved. We sat for awhile longer, finishing our coffees and cuddling beside each other while I lost feeling in my backside from the freeze of the seats. In the distance we saw a man walking his dog but we weren’t too phased.

“Do you like dogs?” I asked him curiously, watching the gorgeous golden retriever play fetch with his owner.

“Kinda, I’m a bit scared of them, honestly. I’m always scared of being bitten. When I was little, a German Shepard bit my hand cos I tried to pet him in the street.”

“Rookie mistake,” I told him, “I always wanted a dog but I was never allowed to because my mother had a similar experience to you,” I admitted. “But I wasn’t dumb enough to go around shoving my hand in the mouths of stray dogs…” I said with a shrug and a cheeky grin.

Michael cracked up. “You are so mean to me, Malania, and I just keep coming back for more.”

I laughed with him. I knew he meant it good-naturedly and he also knew I was kidding.  

“One day I’ll get you a dog and I’ll get myself over the fear. What kind of dog do you want?”

I thought for a moment and shrugged. “A rescue one. One that I’m saving from some crappy pound’s kill policy.”

“Yeah, I like that…we’ll do that some day, rescue some animals together.”

“Good,” I nodded, “I like that idea.”

“I know I haven’t said this yet, and its because I don’t want to make things harder than they are, but…” he began gingerly, changing the subject, “I’m actually going to miss you terribly.”

I was glad he said it. I felt like it was a little more one-sided. I slipped my arms around him, hugging him. I felt him reciprocate, giving me a little more warmth. “I needed to hear that.”

I felt his lips at my temple. “I’m going to write you something every night and give it to you when I see you. Or I’ll find out if you’re allowed to receive mail and I’ll get Carsen to drop you some things every night…”

“Will you write me a love-letter?” I half-joked.

“Would you like that?” he asked, raising his eyebrow. He was so cute. The perfect arch of his brow almost dared me to be honest.

“Maybe. I’ve never received a love-letter before,” I admitted. “Sounds deliciously cheesy, I’m up for it.”

He giggled. “Okay, I’ll see what I can muster up for you. We’ll take a photo before you leave today, looking at your picture can be my inspiration…”

I made a face. “Can I ask? When did you know you had deeper feelings for me?”

His amused smile faded and he answered way too fast for me to ever question those feelings. “The night when I took you to dinner and we got mobbed when we left… and remember, I had a bit of a tantrum over it all?”

I laughed and nodded.

“You gave me a dressing down over my mood and I realised how much I liked you. No one ever stands up to me. Your face was all frown-y and angry and determined not to let me leave without telling you how I was feeling.”

I stared at him for a moment as if to keep explaining. I was a bit confused.

“I know it doesn’t sound very romantic, but…” his voice trailed off slightly, “no one ever presses me for explanations. No one’s ever like, ‘Hey Mike, you’re upset, what’s wrong?’ it’s like they’re too afraid of opening a can of worms. When I’m sad or angry, unless I choose to share, no one ever asks… And you did, and the fact that I felt comfortable enough to actually tell you and trust you – it just made me realise that I really liked you.” I was about to say something, but then he added more, “During that whole thing, you showed me your heart, you showed me your compassion, your concern, your love, you were mad at first and then when you realised I was upset, your total behaviour changed and it was the sweetest thing… and not to mention the whole while looking casually beautiful.”

I let my lips spread in to the makings of a smile. I wanted to tell him that he was crazy, but I refrained. I knew it was insulting to smack back another person’s kind words or compliments.

I found myself hugging his arm, caressing his wrist absently. Sometimes he did the same with me, tracing patterns on my palm, or running his fingers through the tips of my hair, tickling my back. It was incredibly calming.

“Your cheeks are red…” he teased me. My mouth was hurting from smiling so hard, overwhelmed by him as I did seem to get at times.

I giggled and ducked my head bashfully. “I’m embarrassed.”

“Don’t be embarrassed…although you look very cute with rosy cheeks,” he chuckled, rubbing my back and sliding his hand across to my shoulder, pulling me near him to kiss my head.

Once I’d gotten over it, I wanted to tell him. “When I was a kid, I wanted to marry you,” I told him frankly, “and then when I started meeting you that changed to a more realistic like for you… I knew it was unrealistic to even want to be your friend, so I was always just happy to say hello and every single time we met, you made me feel so special so that’s probably why I kept coming back.”

“I did?” he asked as if it were news to him. “How so?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know, I can’t place it—you do just have that way about you. You never let a gorilla in a suit drag you off when you were chatting, you never hurried us along, you always acted like you had all the time in the world, even if you were due on stage five minutes ago. And you were always so lovely to me.”

He laughed. “That’s because you treated me like a human. No offence to Beth, but I always liked you more. I had time for you, maybe had she been on her own, I might not have had the time that you say I always had. You were honest and sweet and I remember one time, there was a fan I’d never met before and you pulled Beth back to give that guy in the chair a chance to come forward and say hello because you’d already had a turn. I stayed much longer with you guys for being so kind to him…”

I was surprised he remembered tiny details like that. I only vaguely recalled that occasion. Beth had yelled at me later about how we could have had more time with Michael if I’d not let the “little cripple” ahead of us. Beth was like that, she counted her minutes with him and would compare the time with the meeting before that.

“That’s funny, I don’t even really remember, but I remember the spray I got later from Beth about it.” I chuckled, “I can’t really place the time where my feelings changed… but maybe that night too, when you sweetly invited me in to your bed in a way that seemed almost too shy. You were afraid I was going to freak out and think you meant it in a sleazy way.”

“Oh yeah…” he laughed, “but I didn’t want to leave you alone.”

“That was a bad night.” I agreed, “I hadn’t had a nightmare like that for years… I love how you care for me, maybe for the same reasons you said. I’ve never shared anything like that with anyone and I don’t really feel like I have to hold anything back with you. It’s a relief.”

He smiled.

“And this…” I nodded at his giant hands that were both clasped around one of mine, warming it from the morning breeze, “and this,” I reached up with my free hand, brushing my fingers across his cheeks, pausing to kiss his lips, “you are probably the most gorgeous man I’ve ever seen… I love looking at your face… and your smile…” I murmured. “Your smile has always, always made me weak at the knees…”

He was laughing now, his turn to blush and try to bat my compliments away. We were both smiling at each other.

“Well… its good that our feelings are sorted…” he said with a little sigh.

“It helps to know where I stand with you so that when I’m away I won’t go in to internal melt-down questioning things,” I admitted.

“Nope, I don’t want you to worry about us,” he said quickly. “We are fine and we will be fine. I’ll be waiting for you. We don’t have a conventional relationship, Bunny, but we never will and I hope you’re okay with that.”

I chuckled at his use of his new pet name. I thought it was kinda cute. I was okay with it. “Conventional is boring anyway,” I shrugged.

He stood up, “come on,” he outstretched a hand, “my butt is freezing and I can only imagine yours is too, I should take you home and help you pack.”

“Okay,” I smiled, taking his hand.

**

The tension had been in the air, it was just a matter of time before it happened. Before I knew it, I was wedged in to the corner of the black SUV, forgetting entirely about Carsen up front. I didn’t care that my head was hitting the window. Where Michael’s safety belt was, was nobody’s business anymore.

A seemingly innocent kiss, soft and polite as usual had escalated in to… this. I had a hand on my upper thigh. He kissed me hard and passionately, but I could tell he was holding himself back a little. I steadied his face with my palm and gripped on to the back of his shirt with my other hand.

I groaned involuntarily arching my back as his tongue dove in to my mouth. I briefly remembered Carsen. I felt him squeeze my thigh, just inches from cupping my butt. He drew away and then kissed me again, teasing me. His lips were soft and wet, but his kisses were full of urgency. At first his increase in force and intensity made me nervous, but I yielded myself to his power and consoled myself that it was okay.

He slipped a hand behind my head, aware that it was knocking against the window as we kissed. I ran the tip of my tongue against his lower lip and felt him grip me again. I felt him smile above my mouth.

I always felt that I was incredibly inexperienced and if I ever met a man, he would surely be able to tell and would be turned off. But, I found that it all came pretty naturally. I would learn, I would follow his lead, and I was happy to do that.

Michael slipped his hand up to my waist and stroked a tiny bit of bare skin that peaked out from beneath my t-shirt that must have rode up in the heat of the moment. I almost jumped a mile, but I reminded myself to just relax.

I think he realised too. His open-mouthed, velvety, sugar-y kisses slowed until he finally pressed his lips together, holding them momentarily against mine. He pulled away slowly and opened his eyes to gaze at me.

We both smiled. He pulled me out of the weird position I was in against the car door. He smoothed my hair in to place again with a little chuckle. I did the same for him too, I had enjoyed running my hands through his hair.

“Sorry…” he murmured softly, “I got a bit carried away.”

I gave him a funny look. “I didn’t tell you to stop…” I reminded him with a laugh. We talked very softly, almost in whispers, not wanting Carsen to hear us.

He took my hand in his lap and laced his fingers through mine. “Yep, I’m gonna miss you like crazy,” he said with a sigh.

Even though I hated the idea of being away from him – and that his words seemed to pummel me in the heart; I was glad he said it.