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Author's Chapter Notes:

* Trigger warnings for this chapter. Suicide, self-injury, sexual abuse and ED themes. If you feel like you might be bothered by any of these things, please do not read this chapter.
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Chapter 24

I woke up beside Malania, at first I felt a little disoriented but remembered how we’d chatted well in to the early hours of daybreak.

She was still asleep and curled up against me; I couldn’t help but to smile. She looked sweet. Her hair was a little dishevelled. It was the most peaceful I’d seen her look for awhile.

I yawned. I didn’t want to get up just yet. I wanted to just lay next to her. There was something so comforting about being in bed with a woman that made me feel incredibly masculine, a feeling that I didn’t always possess. Her hands were in a prayer position beneath her chin.

The feeling to reach over and stroke her the angles of her face almost took me, but I remembered my manners and the kinds of things that would have terrified her. Waking up to my hand on her face would have been one of those things.

I had a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach that I was finding hard to process. Something changed in those early hours of the morning when she had finally put all of her trust in me. I felt relieved, horrified, affected.

I glanced at her hospital bracelet that was still attached to her wrist. She wasn’t perfect and I had wondered from time-to-time if it was healthy to have befriended someone with the same self-destructive behaviours, but I knew better than anyone that life wasn’t always perfect. I was far from perfect. Malania Nakamura gave me hope though, she made me want to make sure I was healthy and mentally well so that I could keep her healthy and well.

I had always been in the habit of trying to save people, but I was beginning to learn that that was only a viable little game when the other person wanted to be saved.

When Malania told me her secret, I felt angry and heartbroken for her. It explained all of the burdens and the different forms of guilt that she felt, but it also made me angry because what Diane was putting her daughter through, making false accusations, and by me screaming innocence, meant that another victim out in the world may have been dissuaded from coming forward.

Even if Casey really was molested, and it hurt to think about it, Diane had prematurely barked up the wrong tree.

I had never been in a relationship where I wasn’t doing everything. The other party always got so used to me being in charge, me paying, me saving them that there was never anyone throwing a lifeline to me. As much as I loved Diane, it did always feel like it was me. I always had to wait for her feelings, I always had to wait for her labels, I had to wait for affection, I had to wait for her to share her love. I had to be patient. I knew she had a lot on her plate, but perhaps she was never going to be ready.

I felt that perhaps my love for her was deeper than her feelings for me. Perhaps the only reason she kept me around was because I supported Casey and I supported her, supporting Casey.

The sobering reality of the situation could have only been brought about by me being far away enough from her to have the blinkers taken off.

And maybe I wasn’t in love with Diane either, maybe I was in love with the idea of being part of a family. I wasn’t entirely sure anymore. What I did know was that Casey was my world, and I could see the way that Malania was hurting and I desperately didn’t want that little girl to go through the kind of pain Malania was experiencing.

The very nature of my friendship with Malania was entirely different. She took care of my emotional needs too. Instead of pretending that they didn’t exist, or letting me go when I was in a bad mood, she pressed me, she wanted to talk and she encouraged me to share my feelings with her instead of brushing them aside to share her own.

I had an awful habit of letting myself get carried away, but maybe she and I had something.

Maybe.

I don’t know why I wasn’t expecting her secret to be something like that. The clues were all in front of me. I was gobsmacked when the words came out of her mouth.

I let the words hang for a moment before I was able to respond. I still wasn’t really sure about what the right thing to say was. Before I got the chance to say anything. She continued.

“It happened often for around about a month or so until I didn’t know how to deal and I tried to take my life. My sister found me and that damaged our relationship because she never understood…”

“I’m sorry,” I murmured out in to the darkness. I held her hand and squeezed it tightly.

“Its okay. It just meant when Samuel hurt me again for seeing me with you, I felt like it was just part two… and I panicked. In the hospital a nurse found me cutting. I broke the razor out of one of the shavers my parents brought me and that’s why I was sent back to psych…”

It made sense. I knew there had to be more to why someone would be sent to a psychiatric unit when that person was the victim.

Even though she didn’t want to go in to it, I let her speak and she began to tell me more than I imagine she had intended to. It gave me a better understanding as to why she was so furious with her mother. She wanted to be protected, for someone to stand in her corner, but really her mother just enabled her son to continue harming her until she began to harm herself.

She stirred a little beside me, I couldn’t but to smile. Her nose wrinkled a little bit as if she had an itch. I decided I would be brave and share my needs with her too. She had admitted that it took a lot of strength for her to admit that she didn’t want me to leave her alone after her dream. I understood that. It was hard for me to admit when I needed someone.

I definitely needed someone. I decided I would ask her if she would come to my arraignment with me. My Mom was a wonderful support, but her concern and upset over the whole thing made me nervous, it made me worry for her own health. My father was a great support too, he handled business when it was necessary, but emotionally supportive he was not. Malania, on the other hand, wouldn’t make any bit of it about herself or her pain. She would be beside me and she would hold my hand and she wouldn’t let her anger for my situation allow her to say or do anything stupid like the rest of my family did.

She was always going to be my greatest support.

She woke up slowly and sluggishly. At first she seemed a little surprised to find me beside her, but she looked at me a little shyly. I smiled, “Good morning…”

She chuckled, embarrassed, I wasn’t entirely sure why but it was endearing. She rolled over, her back facing me. I was offended momentarily.

“What are you laughing at? Am I really a mess?”

“No, no, no…” she laughed, “I’m sorry… I’m not used to waking up beside anyone. Certainly not Michael Jackson and I’m embarrassed about how rough I look in the morning.”

“Don’t be silly,” I was relieved. “You don’t look rough, you look cute…”

She rolled on to her back and stared at the ceiling, thoughtfully, turning a little serious. “Thanks for letting me sleep here…”

“You’re welcome… did you sleep okay?”

She nodded, glancing at me, “Yeah… so, I’m sorry about it all. I feel guilty burdening you with all of those things.”

“Don’t.” I said, rolling to face her, “don’t apologise, you’re not burdening me with anything… And while we’re on the subject, you are feeling guilty about far too many things, missy.”

She avoided my eyes for the moment and stared back at the ceiling. “Its hard. Its exhausting when I know I’m the source of everyone’s hurt at the moment. My sisters, my mothers…”

She drew in a deep breath and sighed. “Did I tell you Anica wants me to move in to her place when I get out of hospital?”

I smiled, “That’s great, maybe your relationship can heal, it might be a very positive thing.”

“Yeah…” her voice trailed off. I wasn’t entirely sure she was cool with that idea.

“No? That’s not what you want?” I asked.

She just shrugged. “I don’t have a lot of other options. My Dad did offer to help me, but I don’t think I can take being alone.”

“Well, the offer still stands for you to come and stay here. My door is always open to you.”

“Thanks Michael, but lets not wear out my welcome, shall we?”

I smiled at her. She had no idea that that could never happen. I remembered my thoughts just before she had woken up. “In the whole essence of your bravery in telling me your secret, I wanted to ask you something that I wasn’t going to, if that’s okay…” I began.

She dragged her eyes from the ceiling and back to me. Her large, warm eyes blinked at me expectantly. There was something a little reluctant about her. Perhaps the shame of the night before. I knew that the dark drew more bravery than the daylight.

“You asked me yesterday if you could come to the arraignment with me and I said no,” I told her, “but I wanted to say yes… I am just really, really cautious of triggering anything for you.”

She went to protest but I stopped her, “I realise though, that that’s being a bit silly and partially me being a bit too proud for you to see me at my vulnerable moments, so… I’m asking you if you’d still like to come; to hold my hand and be my support. My parents are coming too, but I need a friend.”

A slow smile spread across her lips as she turned to face me. “Of course, Michael, I would love to be there for you. I’m glad you told me the truth. I don’t ever want to use you solely as my emotional crutch, I want to be able to be there to stablise you too.”

I smiled back. A girl after my own heart… I let my mind drift off for a moment.

“Thanks Malania. I guess I was hesitant after the media went crazy at Neverland and all this happened…”

“Yeah, I’m just glad Beth didn’t ever actually come to my house or know my specific address…”

“What do you mean?” I questioned.

She studied my face for a moment as if she was wondering if I was serious. “Michael, she was the one who gave my name and number out to someone outside Neverland that day. That’s why they rang my house, my sister at work, my brother…”

“Oh, I’m sorry that your friend betrayed you…”

She shrugged, “To be fair, she probably feels like I betrayed her a little bit and maybe I did, who knows…”

“No you didn’t. I made it obvious that I didn’t want you to tell anyone and you were loyal with that, so I’m sorry that came at a cost.”

I knew there was a reason why I never took well to the tall blonde that smiled her sugary-sweet smile at me and always linked her arm with mine as we walked. I was always dubious of people that always told me what I wanted to hear. Perhaps that was why I liked Malania so much from the get go; she was honest rather than kissing my butt and being full-of-compliments.

She shrugged again, “Whatever… I don’t care.”

I stretched in my bed, reaching my hands up high and gave an exaggerated yawn. Malania watched me and smiled. I knew that smile, her eyes lingered over me shamelessly and I quickly realised that there was something there on her behalf. A spark, a little buzz, something. I wasn’t usually that great with picking up on someone’s feelings for me, but it struck me in that moment that she had some kind of romantic feelings for me; even if it was fleeting, it had been there in that instance.

I tried to be casual about it, but the very thought of it excited me. “What do you want to do today?” I asked.

She glanced at the clock above the doorway and yawned too, “I’m still tired…”

“Me too, you wanna lay in, watch cartoons?”

It wasn’t that often I got to lay in bed and when I was alone, the last thing I wanted was to be on my own, nor could I concentrate on the TV without daring myself to turn the news on.

“Yeah?” as if she thought perhaps I was being sarcastic. “Should we be more productive?”

“Why?” I asked, “do you have somewhere to be? You know, we didn’t go to sleep until about 3 or so hours ago….”

She chuckled, “guess I don’t… although I do have to be back at the hospital before 3:30, remember?” she reminded me.

“Don’t worry, I’ll get you back before your therapy session,” I assured her.

“Thanks, Michael, for everything. Especially for staying up with me, I don’t think I would have been able to get through the night…”

“It was my pleasure,” I replied. I just wanted to know how it would feel. I reached over and caressed her silky, dark hair against the crown of her head, “anytime.”

Our eyes met and I felt the pull of that strong spark again. My heart leapt in to my throat and I considered kissing her. Touching her didn’t feel uncomfortable or wrong or even that I was taking advantage of her situation, also there was a huge part of me that was aware that she was particularly vulnerable.

She didn’t flinch, she didn’t pull away, she just pulled her eyes from mine a little self-consciously. I loved that little bit of shyness that still overcame her from time-to-time.

“Thanks for being my friend too, I don’t know that I said that. You’ve been through a lot and put up with a lot since we’ve started hanging out and it means the world to me,” I retracted my hand and tucked it back beneath my pillow.

“You’re welcome too,” she replied.

“I’ve never had a friend who looks out for me the way I look out for them,” I told her honestly. “Maybe that means either I’m bad at trusting someone, or I’m an awful picker of friends.”

Malania laughed, “What about Liz? She seems like a good friend.”

“Yeah, she is…” I nodded, “But she’s also almost double my age, a different kind of motherly friendship there. Sounds weird, but its hard to explain, plus… the things we have in common could never be the same things you and I have in common.”

“Well, what about Diane?” she asked me. Sometimes I felt like Malania asked clever questions that made me elaborate on my situations without realising it.

I smiled tensely. At this stage, her name made me feel a bit sick to my stomach. “In hindsight, I guess she could have been a better friend.”

I watched the gorgeous, fresh-faced girl before me and couldn’t help but to feel something. There was that little dimple in her cheek when she smiled that was beyond cute. It always did something to me, even back when I’d met her for the first and second time, superficially, probably what kept her in my memory.

“Seriously though, what was the deal? We always saw you hanging out with her, she was rude to fans, she looked like she didn’t want to be around you the other half of it…”

I grimaced, feeling a bit of me get defensive. “I guess that Diane was very, very focused on her daughter. I mean, can you imagine what it would be like to have to face the fact that you may very well lose your only child?”

Malania nodded, “yeah, but from what you and I have both experienced, even during times of tragedy the world doesn’t stop spinning.”

“I know,” I replied, “but some people deal with things better than others, the father of Casey left when Diane was pregnant and she just had a very hard time. She wasn’t a bad person, she was just entirely absorbed in her grief.”

“How did you manage to have a functioning relationship with someone who can’t see through their grief?” she wanted to know.

“I’m starting to see that I was the only functioning part of it,” I replied with a shrug, “Maybe I expected too much. Diane only ever said she loved me once. She always told me it wasn’t the right time, Casey had to be well, she couldn’t concentrate on the both of us, but I wanted to have a family and maybe that’s all it was in the end… my stupidity, who knows?”

Malania frowned at me. “You weren’t stupid… but maybe you wasted your time there.”

“Yeah, and look where it got me…”

“We can only learn from the mistakes we make, or the mistakes other people make, I guess,” she replied.

I reached over her and turned the television back on, signifying that I didn’t want to talk about it anymore.

“Subtle,” she mumbled at me with a little bit of a smile.

I just chuckled. She knew when to drop it though, she was pretty intuitive. She gave a yawn. I knew she was tired. She had some dark circles beneath her eyes and they were a little red.

“Come here…” I said, patting a spot right beside me. I didn’t know if it was the right thing to do, but it felt like the right thing to do. I’d never had a girl in my bed that I’d never cuddled with; if for no other reason but a bit of physical comfort.

She wasn’t sure and I could tell. It shook my confidence slightly, “if you want…”

She didn’t say anything. Instead she edged closer to me, hesitating slightly at first. She slid in to the crook of my arm and pulled her hair out of the way. I didn’t want to make anything weird by drawing attention to it, so I said nothing and together we both concentrated on the cartoon.

**

I woke up in typical disgusting fashion, with drool all over my face and covering the pillow. Thankfully Malania’s back was to me with my arm resting protectively over her. She was warm against me, her hair tickling my forehead.

I lifted my face and wiped my mouth, flipping the pillow over. I saw that it was just after midday. I felt so comforted and relaxed with the company that I had, that I was tempted to close my eyes and go back to sleep.

“Are you awake?” I heard her voice ask me.

“Yeah…” I murmured in a croaky voice. I felt her hand slipping up to grab mine that was resting on her hip. She pulled my arm further around her. I smiled, liking that she was being a little bit more forthright in wanting me to show her some affection as well.

“Didn’t peg you for the cuddly type…” I joked.

“I didn’t peg you as the type of gent that asks girls in to their bed, so… I guess we’re both surprised.”

I chuckled but actually wanted to straighten that one out in case there was more to it. “For the record, I don’t generally ask girls to my bed, but we’re friends, we both need someone.”

She pushed my arm away and I sensed that I’d said the wrong thing. She turned to face me, disrupting the blankets and allowing a draught of cold air to hit me briefly.

She sat up and looked at me with a little bit of disbelief, “Michael, I might need someone, but I don’t need sex comfort from you or anyone.”

I was shocked by the conclusion she had drawn from my last remark. “What? Malania, that’s not even what I was saying… I just meant that we are such good friends and that I feel comfortable with you enough to share my bed. Sheesh…”

She stared at me for a few moments trying to determine whether or not I was bullshitting her.

I stared back at her, “Come on, I find it a little bit insulting that you would think that I would try to make a move on you in some sleazy backhanded way by taking advantage of you after all you’ve just told me this morning.”

I saw a fleeting look of guilt upon her face. She seemed to retreat as quickly as she had launched her accusation at me. “I’m sorry…”

“Its okay,” I replied, “but don’t get it twisted up, I’m not that type of guy. Especially not someone who is in a vulnerable position.”

“I’m not vulnerable,” she challenged me, “I am clear-headed, it wouldn’t matter if you even tried…”

I sighed, “But I’m not trying, if I made you uncomfortable then I totally apologise. In my head, I was thinking about how awful it feels when I’m sad and lonely and then in contrast how good it is to have someone hug me and keep me company without me having to tell them every little thing that I’m thinking…”

I knew she was sorry. She looked like she could have cried. “I didn’t mean to get mad at you…”

“Its okay.” I said it again and I meant it. Given the demons that she was dealing with, I probably should have expected that particular gestures would make her suspicious or paranoid. I breathed in a sigh. The moment was gone, the warmth from the bed was gone. I sat up too.

“We should get up anyway, I gotta get you back to the hospital before 3,” I reminded her.

She watched me get out of bed. She reluctantly got up and stole away to the room that she’d been sleeping in previously. I poured us both some cereal and waited for her to join me.

She’d been gone a little while when I began to get a bit suspicious.

“Malania?” I called out through the closed door. When she didn’t answer, I pushed the door open and found her sitting on the edge of the bed with her fists clenched tightly together, her long hair falling over her shoulders and obscuring the rest of my view of her.

“What are you doing?” I asked her but I was pretty sure I already knew. I pushed the door open the whole way and made a beeline toward her. I was a little bit shocked and stunned at the jarring reminder of my own ironic pain relief.

She was breathing in short gasps. It was an emotional pain relief, there was no doubt in that, but the actual physical pain that cutting caused was sometimes enough to make us want to scream out. Perhaps that was just part of the release.

“Shit…” I muttered, finding my voice and my urgency rather than standing, stunned staring at another person’s blood running thick down her arm. I was angry with myself for making sure she didn’t have anything to harm with. “Malania, what did you do?” I murmured.

I realised that our versions of self-harm were a little different. She had truly made a mark. I wondered if that was a general practice but before I could sit and ponder anything, I had to make my legs work. I quickly made my way to the bathroom and soaked a cloth in some warm water and wrung it out. I made my way back to her.

“Don’t,” she cried, “don’t come near me…” her voice was full of tears and emotion. I wasn’t listening. I wasn’t even going to entertain her sudden self-awareness.

“Show me,” I told her firmly. Placating her emotions needed to come second. It looked like a deep cut. She tried to cover the inch long scissor cut along the inside of her arm.

“Malania,” I wasn’t angry with her, but I didn’t want to play games, “show me, don’t be silly.”

“I’m sorry,” she apologised, “I didn’t mean-“

“Its okay,” I replied, focusing on what I was trying to do. “Show me your wrist,” I told her, “hold it out in front of you.”

She was shaking and trying to evade me that finally I just grabbed her hand to stop her protests, “here…keep still.”

I pressed the folded cloth gently over her wound and pulled it around her wrist tightly. I took her other hand and pressed it down on top of the cloth. “Hold your hand on it, firm-like,” I instructed her. “Ok what did you do this with?” I asked her.

She nodded toward a pair of nail scissors. I didn’t know where they’d come from, but I picked them up and took them to the bathroom and left them in there to deal with after I made sure everything was okay with Malania. I was concerned that the incision she’d made might need some stitching.

I sat down beside her on her bed and put an arm around her. I didn’t want to give her a lecture, but I was a little bit disappointed in her.

“What happened?” I asked quietly.

She shook her head. I knew she was feeling particularly bad.

“Was it what happened back there?” I asked, referring to the little tiff we’d had back in my room. I’d left the situation somewhat unresolved, maybe it had set her off.

“I just… fuck up everything…” she muttered.

“What?” I asked incredulously, “what do you mean?”

“You tried to help me, you wanted to make me feel better and I go ahead and say something stupid, let my anxiety get the better of me and ruin it…” I saw the tears streaking down her cheeks.

“No, no, no… Lanz, everything you are going through is normal. To be fair, maybe it was a bit of a silly thing to do, cuddling you in my own bed after everything you’d told me.”

“I don’t want what I told you to change things, do you think of me different now?” she asked, daring to look at me. Her eyes seemed so empty and sad. She didn’t wait for me to finish, “this is why I didn’t want to tell anyone, they can see through me, I can see them staring and they know what happened, like they’re trying to imagine…”

“No,” I said again, “it doesn’t change anything between us, you are still my friend, why would I treat you different about something that you had no say in?”

She said nothing.

“Stop cutting, Malania,” I told her seriously, “you need to stop or else you’re not going to be let out of that hospital. I need you to come with me on Friday. I don’t want your day release revoked, and above all else, we have a pact, I’ve been living up to my end, I need you to do the same.”

She wiped her eyes. “I’m sorry…”

“Stop apologising to me, sweetheart, I just want you to talk to me instead of doing this… the way that I’ve called you and told you about my urges and you’ve talked me out of it. If you can’t talk to me about it, then tell yourself the same things you’d tell me to change my mind about harming.”

“But you don’t deserve to be hurt.”

“And neither do you.” I told her meaningfully.

She didn’t reply with words but rather gave me a tiny nod. I reached over and lifted the cloth to see if the bleeding had stopped. It seemed to be a little bit better. She didn’t protest or try to pull her arm away from me protectively so I took it as progress.

I waited to see if any new blood was surfacing, but there wasn’t. I felt a giant wave of relief. I knew it would look so bad if I took her back to the hospital with a giant gaping hole in her wrist.

I placed the cloth back down. “Come on, come with me to the bathroom so we can clean up your arm and put some antiseptic and a bandage or something over it.

She wiped her eyes again and followed close behind me.

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