I was being just a tiny bit of a brat but I couldn’t help it. I needed to breathe. I felt tense about the day that I’d had and I felt frustrated that none of them could see things from my point of view – if anything, it made me want to shut them out.

Kaito rasped on my door before letting himself in. I knew that it was him, Malania didn’t really bother knocking anymore, nor did my mother. I didn’t want him to give me a lecture – I loved the guy like a good friend, but sometimes the fact that I was dating his sister made things a little awkward, especially if Mal and I were in the middle of a disagreement or a tense patch.

“Whats up?” I asked, looking up as if I wasn’t expecting to get a lecture.

“Just came to see how you went today, is it okay if I sit down?” he let himself in to the study where I had tried to steal away. He didn’t wait for me to answer, he took a seat upon a wheeled chair.

“Sure…” I was able to chuckle.

“How come my sister and your mother are downstairs having a regular old hens meeting?” he wondered, smiling at me.

I laughed, Kaito was a generally infectious kind of guy. It was hard to stay mad when he was around. “They’re both annoyed with me because I wanted some time alone when I got home. Malania is irate because she thinks I’m not fighting hard for myself, but…” I shook my head and shrugged. “I guess its just… I dunno, I don’t want to bother trying to explain it cos no one understands.”

Kaito was patient and he was also a good friend. If he was mad with me for the way that I’d spoken to his sister, he never said anything. Rather, he studied me closely and thought before speaking. “Dude, I’m not here to judge you – why don’t you try me?”

I sank back in to my leather swivel chair and let it rock backwards. I rubbed my face, trying to relieve some tension. “Take Malania out of the equation and when I say that, know that in a way, I’m glad for what’s happened cos it means I have met your sister and realized she’s right-“

Kaito waved his hand, “I’m not interested in hearing you defend your feelings for my sister, I know all that, I know it goes without saying.”

“Diane and I were close because of her daughter. I thought there was more and I was always, in a way, begging for more and she kept pushing me away. I persisted and I think I became her escape from the hard times with Casey.”

He nodded.

I leaned forward, placing my elbows on my knees, avoiding his eyes.

“It’s not a great feeling to look back and realize that you were being used, but I guess I don’t care and I would have probably stayed anyway because I loved Casey so much and the little game of pretending she was my very own little girl. She started to call me Daddy and I loved that, but Diane didn’t…”

“Why not?” Kaito asked.

I shrugged. “Jealousy, maybe? I don’t know… She told me not to let Casey call me Dad, I respected it, but sometimes it broke my heart to have to say it.” I shook my head as if trying to remove some bad memories. “Anyway, when Casey got sick and things began to look really grave, we found out Diane was pregnant and she was so angry about it which again, broke my heart.”

“What was her problem? Any woman would be crazy to not want to carry Michael Jackson’s child.” He smiled, I knew he was trying to make me feel more comfortable talking to him.

I chuckled, feeling my cheeks heat slightly. “She began to talk a lot about what Casey’s new brother or sister could mean for her health, she began looking in to stem cell research which, honestly is something I struggle to reconcile with, but ultimately I’d have done anything to save Casey’s life.”

He nodded.

“Diane lost the baby kind of late in the pregnancy, it was a little traumatic and I had grown so excited about being a father and having a child that was actually allowed to call me Daddy… and Diane did not cope, she went from being furious about being pregnant, to feeling so hopeless cos she couldn’t keep her babies alive… and I didn’t get to ever grieve for my child, that was months of me getting excited and prepared and mentally preparing, I was hoping for a boy – I never told her that, but… as far as I was concerned, I had a daughter, I was almost afraid of a biological daughter eclipsing my love for Casey.”

“That’s understandable, you’re not horrible for that, Michael.”

I shrugged. “One of the last times Diane and I spoke, she asked me for another baby, for Casey, because she was so ill, a baby with a good match could offer another kidney or other needs – and I felt really at odds with such a request. I started to really doubt Diane’s motives for another child – it felt like spare parts, you know?”

Kaito nodded.

I felt my eyes welling up. “She accused me of not giving a shit about Casey, she said the fact that I had to think about it, meant that I didn’t care as much for her daughter as I had led her to believe – and you know, I really would have said yes.”

“Really?” Kaito seemed surprised.

“Yeah, I mean, I wanted to be a Dad, I wanted Diane to want me and I hoped that if we were a formal family, then maybe she would let me officially be a father to her daughter… I was already it was just… only when it suited her.”

“Dude, she sounds like an incredibly selfish woman.”

I drew in a deep breath, it was the same point that Mal and my mother seemed to be missing. “Yes, maybe she was selfish,” I conceded, “but her daughter is so sick and the life that she led up until I came along was very lonely, her mother didn’t approve of her raising her baby alone when Casey’s father left, she was left to do everything on her own – her mother made her life hell and every day was a battle to pay medical bills that kept her daughter alive, she was in the red to a point she would have never recovered from – and today in court, my lawyer told everyone that she had calculated that and it seemed all too perfect….” I explained, “but that wasn’t Diane and I hate myself for allowing her to be painted like that.”

I knew Kaito was being careful of his words because he nodded and chose not to say anything.

“I know what you’re thinking… because I think it too – I shouldn’t care because she’s allowing the world to think that I’m sick enough to harm someone who I loved and treated as my daughter. I mean, this child, Kaito, she was the sweetest, she had my heart from the second I saw her. By the end, Diane wasn’t coping and I pretty much cared for Casey every moment that I wasn’t working, so I guess now she feels incredibly betrayed that someone she trusted hurt her daughter.”

“But that someone wasn’t you, Michael…” he insisted.

I nodded. “I know, but… it was someone and I hate that she believes that it was me. I mean, who in their right mind could –“ I shook my head trying to rid the thoughts that passed through whenever I tried to rationalize her thought process.

“And my child, our baby,” I started, “I didn’t want my lawyer to bring that up, its private and I haven’t grieved and I don’t know where to start, I didn’t have time to – my main focus was consoling Diane and making sure Casey was fine, I didn’t ever get to focus on my own feelings. I didn’t want the world to know about it, to use our baby as leverage in court…”

“Michael, I’m really sorry,” Kaito said softly, “I don’t know what to say. I get why Malania feels frustrated, but she wasn’t privy to your relationship with Diane, you’re her number one priority…” he countered my argument.

“I get that, but I wish someone would spare a thought for Casey and for what she’s going through and how we might all make this time less hard for her – I know she’s going to grow up and hear all about this one day and I would be so sad to think that she hates me. I took away her sibling—“ the alternative was that Casey might not get to grow up. “And there’s this tiny space in my heart that truly believes that if this goes to court and everyone finds out that I am not guilty and the guilty person comes forward, then maybe I can still be a part of Casey’s life.”

I knew that Kaito held back from saying anything. “I know that’s stupid,” I added, “Diane I can leave behind, I can get over our relationship, maybe not the betrayal, but the relationship, sure…”

“Michael,” he began carefully, “I am not saying that you have to forget Casey and forget your role in your life or the fact that she is really the one who is suffering here, but what I am suggesting is that you fight for your own life. Maybe her Mom won’t allow you a part in her life ever again, but if she does, then Casey will need you to prove your innocence and then healthwise she will need you to rebuild yourself so you can best support her. You need to be focused on your freedom and helping your team find the real culprit.”

I nodded. It was sage advice – common sense, even.

“I guess I just wanted some time… I can’t really quite explain how I feel without somebody telling me I’m being unrealistic or whatever, I know it comes from a good place, but its just really difficult to hear when I’m trying to collect my own thoughts.”

“That’s fair, Mike… I don’t think there’s anything wrong with needing time to digest, but try not to be too hard on Mal or your Mom. They love you and want the best for you and they are both incredibly protective of you.”

“I know, I’m blessed by that, but… it does make it hard some days when I just want to talk about Casey or say how much I miss her.”

“Well… maybe you just need to try, don’t preempt their reactions, let them react for themselves and help them understand where you’re coming from.”

I nodded. Kaito got up and pushed the chair back under the desk. “I’ll leave you for a bit, but I’ma make some food and you’re going to eat tonight.”

I felt a smile tugging at my lips. Kaito was definitely driving a hard bargain when it came to my food habits. Between him and Malania and the food that their mother ferried over to us regularly, there wasn’t any need for a chef anymore.

**

After dinner I found Malania sitting by the lake that we sometimes hung out by for alone time and to enjoy the nature. She was running her fingers through the blades of grass with her back to me as she watched the ducks float around in the water. She was always full of thought and I knew that deep down despite her anger, she was trying to see things as I did.

It was getting a little chilly outside. I knew she had to be feeling the breeze. I felt bad that she had taken giving me my space so seriously that she had banished herself from the house.

“Hey… can I sit?” I wondered softly as I stopped beside her.

“Its your land, so I suppose,” she murmured. I was wearing a red cardigan so I took it off and draped it over her shoulders before I sat down in the grass.

“Mal, I didn’t mean for you to give me space in a literal sense. I just needed to digest and I’m sorry for shutting you and Mom out.”

She shrugged, “There’s never a lot of compromise with you on feelings, Michael, I’ve learned that. You demand feelings until I’m asking you to feel – then you shut down on me. You’ve done this to me constantly the whole time I’ve known you,” she said. Her tone wasn’t accusatory, it was matter-of-fact, as if she wasn’t bothered by it.

“Bu-“

“Don’t bother denying it, I have many examples. When I don’t share, you push my buttons until I do, you don’t even care if you’ve caused me distress… and yet I’ve never argued with you, or told you it was wrong – I try to just be honest with my feelings so that you don’t feel shut out.”

“I know… you’re very good at being honest.”

She regarded me with a glance that I could tell was trying to read whether or not I was trying to be funny.

“Why don’t I ever get to be the bad guy, Michael?” she asked, “why don’t I get to be the one that calls the shots? I just want you to tell me what you’re feeling or else in my head its something that I’ve done – and then once again I start getting anxious and my brain starts moving back to trauma zone.”

“I’m really sorry,” I began, “I didn’t know that.”

She didn’t say anything else. I sensed it was my turn to speak.

“Mal, I know you are looking out for me and don’t ever think I don’t appreciate that, but its hard because… I want to be honest and open, but I also don’t want to hurt you or make you think that I regret us.”

“But…?” she prompted me.

I looked ahead and grabbed for her hand that still moved through the blades of grass. I gave it a little squeeze as I felt my eyes spilling over. I had been on the cusp of crying ever since we got back from court.

She turned to look at me and when she realized I was in tears, she scooted closer and rested her head on my shoulder. She lifted my hand and kissed it. “It hurts,” I murmured. “I miss that kid. I miss her laughter, her joy, how much she needed me. Its one thing to tell you I was her father figure, but it was more, I was essentially her father. I cleaned up scrapes, kissed the booboos, I held her hand through the needles. When she was doing chemo, I changed diapers, I wiped up vomit, I sang to her and read her bedtime stories while her mother checked out because the idea of losing her child became so real.”

Malania didn’t say anything, she just listened and I appreciated it.

“I guess I’m so frightened that she might leave this earth and I might never get to make things right for her – and it’ll have been two of my babies…” I felt her drop my hand and put an arm around me. I wiped fresh tears as they fell from my eyes. I tried to blink them back but it wasn’t any use. They slid hot and fast down my face, falling off the plains of my cheeks and on to my shirt.

“I wish you had of just said this to begin with, sweetheart…” she murmured, “I’m not a monster, I would have understood.”

“I know, I know…” I rubbed my eyes with the ball of my palms, feeling so ridiculous for being so emotional.

Silence fell between us, I knew she wasn’t entirely sure how to comfort me. “The idea,” I continued, “that Casey wakes up from sleep and calls out to me and can’t be consoled because I’m not there is heartbreaking, and she would never understand why—Diane is a good mother, but… unless she’s become the world’s most attentive mother, Casey will be lacking the emotional support that she needs, she might give up…”

“I’m not telling you this to shut you up, but you’re ascribing your feelings upon her, she will be thinking of you and missing you, no doubt,” Malania told me, “but I think you’re the one that’s not coping without her and that’s okay too.”

I wrapped my arms around her. “I’m not… and I try to not think about her, but… I think of my plans and dreams for the baby and that were ripped from me too and God… at the time, all I cared about was Diane and how she felt… but really when I think about it, I’m fucking wrecked inside over it now that I’ve had the time to think.”

“I’ve never known a man to want to be a dad more than you, Michael, so I kind of get why this is so hard for you,” she murmured, “especially for that person to then use the very thing you love most, children, against you – well, none of it is fair, is it?”

I wondered why I never bothered talking to her earlier. She seemed to take it all in stride and treated me compassionately, rather than getting angry with me for my feelings.

I shook my head tearfully. I really hated crying in front of her, but I couldn’t help it and she was a good comfort to have. “No, its not fair… its hard to go from being a father to … suddenly not. I miss her little smile and her cuddles and every other process that came along with it.”

If any of my feelings bothered her, she didn’t let it show. She just wrapped her arms around me and hugged me. I reciprocated, encircling my arms around her, letting her comfort me. “I love you,” she said, “I’m sorry that I don’t know the right thing to say but I’m trying…”

“I know you are Mal,” I whispered, kissing the crown of her head. “Its just as hard for you to take all of this in as it is for me, I get it… I’m just…” I shrugged, “I guess I’m just sad today because it’s the beginning and its going to get a whole lot worse before it gets better.”

“You’re allowed to be sad, Michael, I think… I was angry with you cos I thought you were angry with Greg for doing his job.”

“I’m sad because once again I have to expose private parts of my life before a judge and jury – in this case in a very literal sense, that, honestly, I’m not ready to face up to.”

“I don’t know if this is the right thing to say or not…” she began, loosening her embrace to look at his face, “and I know it’d never be a replacement,” she started, “but, I promise that one day I will make you a Dad and even in the worst case scenario – you decided you hated me and we split up, I’d never take that from you – not ever.”

I couldn’t help but to smile. I knew she meant what she said. “Thank you, that’d be my ultimate dream, but of course I would never decide I hate you.”

She smiled back at me. I cupped her cheek in my hand and smoothed my thumb across it before planting a soft kiss on her lips. She reached up and wiped my face that had been wet with tears from our discussion. “I love you,” I murmured.