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Author's Chapter Notes:

If you are easily triggered by drug abuse or physical abuse both sexual or other, please skip this chapter. 

Chapter 56

I felt numb.

I wasn’t entirely sure that what I was doing wouldn’t cause an issue between Malania and I, but I had to get away. It was self-destructive and self-sabotaging, but I didn’t want her to see me the way that I was. I knew it would hurt and anger her even more.

I took two pills and chased it down with a shot of whisky. It wasn’t like me, alcohol usually wasn’t my thing, but it was left from Kaito’s visit, and whatever it took to wash that shit down and work faster, was alright by me.

As I lay my throbbing and quickly-dizzying head onto a pillow on my Hidden Hills bed, I had short flashes of my moments with Casey, then Diane, and then lastly, Malania. As the cocktail took control, they began to mesh in to one odd lucid dream.

I squeezed my eyes shut and saw Casey sitting in her hospital bed looking miserable. She quietly drew on some stark-white paper with some fat crayons while her other hand was encumbered by an intravenous tube feeding the chemotherapy poison in to her tiny, weak little veins.

Diane wasn’t anywhere to be found, but Casey didn’t seem to care. She was focused on her picture. She did always love to draw.

“Babyheart…” I spoke quietly at the doorway from where I had been watching her.

She looked up and her face began to glow with excitement. It was always the look that set my heart on fire for her. I loved that kid so much. The security guard, Stretch, as I liked to call him was trailing behind me closely and I knew that the hallway was filled with people trying to get a look in to see Michael Jackson. That was the hard part about being there for Casey during her doses; not that it made things impossible, just difficult.

I made my way over to her bedside and Stretch pulled the door closed most of the way so people weren’t able to gawk. “Where’s Mommy?” I asked her, picking her up from the bed, careful not to tangle or upset the tube connected to the IV.

Casey simply shrugged. I looked down at the paper, “Wow-wee, that’s a great drawing, why don’t you tell me about it?”

“I drawed it for you, Mike,” she told me with a little smile. I hugged her to my chest and stroked the soft fuzz of hair that was slowly starting to grow back. Not for long though, I thought.

I kissed her crown. “Thank you, baby, that is one of the most beautiful drawings I’ve ever received,” I told her. “But it looks unfinished, are you going to finish it for me?”

Casey nodded and smiled again, showing me her tiny little baby teeth.

It was her first treatment of this new round. One of her kidney’s had been removed; she had just recovered nicely from it, showing off her new scar to just about any doctor or nurse passing by as though she were proud.

She was quiet and shy around just about anyone except her Mom, myself, and the doctors and nurses. She barely spoke a single word to anyone else.

One of the chemotherapy nurses that we were used to, a kind-eyed brunette, slipped past Stretch, letting herself inside. She was holding a bag full of fluid for the IV. She flashed me a smile and said hello. She glanced at Casey, “Hi honey!” she greeted her enthusiastically, “I have your medicine here!”

I couldn’t remember the nurse’s name. I didn’t always show up to the chemotherapy days, some days the difficulty wasn’t worth the stress. The nurse wore a blue protective smock with white gloves and a pair of plastic glasses, reminding me just how potent of a liquid was inside that bag, travelling through to Casey’s veins.

“Isn’t it already going?” I asked, nodding toward the bag of translucent fluid that was almost empty.

“No, Mr. Jackson, that’s just saline, we always start by flushing her veins and then we do the chemo,” she explained.

“Oh, right…” I nodded. “Do you know where Casey’s Mom got to?”

“She said she needed to take a break, she’d be back soon,” the nurse replied, “so Casey was drawing a picture.”

After such a shit-storm of an argument about my leaving for the tour on the day that Casey was resuming treatment, I could help but feel irritated that she wasn’t here for Casey. In the early hours of the morning, I had called Larry and demanded that he change my flights so I could leave in the evening. It would have cut my jet-lag rest time a bit shorter, but Diane had been right, if Casey was truly the priority in my life that I claimed her to be, it was unfair to not be there for at least the first treatment.

But where the hell was Diane? She was such a hypocrite some days.

I tried to understand where her head was at, but she had become even more of a basket case since the miscarriage. I told her a little aggressively the night before that she needed to pull her shit together. It wasn’t unfair, she called me out when I was being silly, that was the responsible thing to do when you loved someone, not pander to their bullshit.

At least that’s what she kept telling me.

“Stretch?” I called. He was standing on the other side of the door. He popped his head in.

“Yes, boss?”

“Could you please look for Diane? I can only stay here an hour or so before we have to leave for LAX,” I explained.

“You gonna be okay here?” he asked me.

“Yes, I don’t think Casey or her nurse is a great threat,” I joked with a roll of my eyes. Stretch flashed me a smile and closed the door and left to see if he could find her.

“I hear you’re off on tour, Mr. Jackson,” the nurse sparked up conversation with me as she changed Casey’s IV bag. I didn’t mind casual conversation with a young, attractive nurse; I was only human.

“Yeah, I begin in London in two days,” I informed her, “I’m heading out tonight-“ I glanced at her nametag and it dawned on me, her name was Judy.

“There you go, Casey-Case, all done.” Casey looked up from where she was drawing on my lap. She glanced at the bag and then smiled at Judy. “And then I go?” she asked.

“Remember, we wait for this one, once it’s empty we’ll put a little bag of the clear one again and then it’ll be time for you to go home,” Judy reminded her in a soft-soothing tone, sitting down on the chair, giving it a moment to make sure the IV was flowing properly.

“Okay,” Casey accepted the explanation, “Daddy, will Mommy be back soon?”

I didn’t have to look at nurse Judy to know that she had lifted her eyebrow with surprise. I didn’t have the heart to tell Casey not to call me Dad in front of another person; it wasn’t in my heart to hurt her or to stop her from thinking of me in that way. It probably wasn’t the right thing to do, given Diane’s wishes, but I let it slide; I usually did when Diane wasn’t around.

I gave Judy a brief, sheepish smile. “Baby heart, I’m not sure where Mommy is, I’m sure she’s not too far, she might be getting herself something to eat.”

“Don’t worry, sweetheart, I’ll stay here with you until Mommy gets back,” I told her, kissing her crown again.

“Daddy, when you go on your big trip, we are going to come and visit?” she worded it as a question; it was something I had to constantly reassure her about.

“Absolutely, Case, as soon as I can, I’m going to put you and Mommy on a plane and you’re going to come visit with me-“ I nodded at her as the IV began beeping. Judy jumped up to press a few buttons and looked closely at the line to make sure the flow was right.

“Daddy,” Casey began again, “I don’t wa-“

“It’s Michael,” Diane told her daughter sternly as she walked in the room in front of Stretch. “I’ve told you,” she added and glared me, “and I’ve told you.”

I said nothing; I wasn’t about to get in to it with her in front of the nurse.

“I pushed back the flight,” I told her with a smile, ignoring her. She seemed frustrated and uninterested in the fact that I’d entirely changed my plans like she kept on me about.

“So I see,” she replied tensely, setting the coffee down. She glared at the nurse who had the good sense to leave us to our privacy.

“Mr Jackson, let me know if the machine beeps like it just did then, just press this call button,” Judy showed me the little call button behind the bed head.

“Thanks,” I flashed her a smile.

“I’m Casey’s parent, you don’t need to address him about her, thank you,” she commanded.

“I apologise Mrs. Hargrove,” the nurse’s cheeks flushed.

“It’s Miss, thanks.”

The nurse said nothing and I was a little aggravated by Diane’s blatant rudeness.

Once the door was closed, I waited for her to try to pick an argument with me. It was Diane’s style. She sniped and sniped until she was ready to lose her temper with me.

I refused to fight with her in front of my baby girl. I knew what it was like to witness parents fighting; I wasn’t about to pass that along.

“I thought you’d be happy,” I remarked, lifting Casey and popping her down beside me on the hospital bed, careful again not to interrupt her tubes.

“Congratulations, you fulfilled your obligations as a partner and a caregiver!” she threw up her hands with mock-enthusiasm.

Holy shit she was getting to be hard work. I wondered to myself when things changed. She hadn’t always been that hard to deal with. I was pretty sure losing the baby changed our relationship.

I wished that she had been able to understand that I lost a baby too.

I breathed in deeply. “I love it when you’re really warm and full of love and appreciation for me,” I remarked quietly and sarcastically.

“Michael, for goodness sake…”

“Stop,” I put my hand up to halt her, “just stop, I’m not up for a fight, not here, not in front of Casey, and not right as I’m about to leave for three months.”

“Maybe you should have thought of that last night-“

I was holding in my anger. “Diane, just stop!” I glared at her, my brown eyes piercing hers. I wasn’t about to let her win with this.

Casey tugged on my arm, looking alarmed, feeling the tension in the room. I immediately felt bad for having snapped. “Hi, sweetie.” I smiled, forcing myself to focus on her and let all of my frustration dissolve.

“I don’t want you to go…” she frowned, her mouth curling downward, souring her expression. It literally made my heart hurt. I knew she didn’t want me to leave, she had cried for a long time the night before.

“I don’t want to leave you either, baby heart, but I have to. I have to go away so I can give you and Mommy all the wonderful things that you want –“

I heard Diane scoff. “Don’t blame us…”

I closed my eyes for a moment and breathed in a deep breath. “Diane, honey,” I began, “I know you’re hurting over me leaving, but this is not a surprise, this is my job, you knew that when we met.”

She had nothing to say to that.

I saw tears filling Casey’s eyes and I felt awful. I lifted her in to my arms and cuddled her close to me. “I know, I know…” I soothed her, “I’ll call you on the phone every single day, sweetheart, I promise and then I’ll have you and Mommy visit me as soon as you’re feeling well.”

**

Pain rippled through me and woke me up from my half-sleep. I clutched my chest and winced, waiting for the pain to pass me and for the palpitations in my chest to stop.

Sometimes the Adderall caused my heart to feel so buzzed that it hurt.

I immediately sat up and realised there was no way I’d actually be able to sleep now.

I wondered what Malania was doing back at Neverland and if she and Kaito had figured out yet that I wasn’t there. I didn’t want her to worry, I knew she would, but I had assured her in my note that I would be fine and that she would see me in a few days – the first day of court.

I rubbed my eyes, not able to remember if the note was just an idea or if I had actually put pen to paper.

Should I call?

I considered it for a moment before nodding. “Yes,” I said out loud to no one. “I should call.” But, I forgot about the decision approximately two seconds after it passed through my brain.

Everything was a little fuzzy and so it was easy for me to concentrate on other stuff, memories and thoughts and feelings that seemed to stay with me, also for only seconds at a time—Adderall usually gave me focus, but something was off about it.

I found myself staring at myself in the mirror in the bathroom, touching my face, feeling disgusted with the reflexion. “I hate you,” I murmured.

My eyes lingered over my nose, my mouth, and my stupid lips… “I hate you,” I said again a little louder.

I wondered how things would look if my nose didn’t look as it did, or if my cheeks weren’t as full as they seemed now that I had grown so comfortable with Malania. I never held my weight well.

“I HATE YOU!” I yelled, my eyes filling with tears and spilling down my face without restraint. My reflection stared back with hollow, soulless and empty eyes, no feelings, no pain, no joy – no spark, just emptiness.

I became aware of my hand clutching something so tightly that it was starting to burn in to the pad of my palm. I looked down, opening up my fist to present the small, aluminium tray full of diazepam.

I couldn’t really remember how I got them now. I felt like I was hallucinating because I couldn’t quite tell if everything I was experiencing was reality. It began to make me feel a little paranoid. I couldn’t peel my eyes away from my sweaty palm full of pills.

I’d just need to take one and go to bed.

Just one; not like the bunch of Adderall I’d taken. I couldn’t remember how many now, but obviously it had been a bad idea. My heart wouldn’t stop thrusting against my rib cage, trying to leap out of my skin and run away down the street along with every tiny piece of tissue that still had Casey’s name engraved upon it.

I took a pill and cupped some water from the tap and washed it down.

I sat down on the edge of the hot tub beside the basin for a moment to try to collect my thoughts.

I’d taken too much. I worried for a few minutes that maybe I’d done something stupid, that perhaps I should call the paramedics. But no, then the whole world would know that Michael Jackson was a drug addict.

Fuck that. I would have preferred to overdose and finish myself completely than let the world think worse of me than they already did. They’d just see my demise as an admission of guilt.

“FUCK THAT!” I yelled angrily, flinching at the loudness of my own voice.

I got up, my legs felt like they weren’t attached to me anymore. I got up and headed to my bedroom. I laid myself down, wiping perspiration that was forming on my forehead. I didn’t bother with a shower. I tried to sleep again and committed myself to counting to ten over and over again to keep focus and not drive myself insane with hallucinations.

**

I woke up later, in the early hours of the morning feeling lethargic and rough. My face felt dry in the places where the tears had left their streaks. I felt a strong sense of shame and guilt over leaving Malania back at Neverland without so much of a word.

I knew she’d be furious with me and probably overwhelmed with concern for me. I considered calling her, but I wasn’t sure if she would even feel comfortable enough to answer my phone back there.

I knew what I was doing was irresponsible, but I didn’t want her to see me like this. I didn’t want my failings to rub off on to her, and cause her own patterns of self-destruction.

I saw the glint of the pills beside me and so I took another two with another little shot of whisky. It burned my throat as it went down, but the pain seemed to bring me a little bit of relief.

**

“I’m so over it, Diane, come on,” I clutched the phone tightly in my hand. “Why are you doing this to me?”

“I told you I couldn’t do this alone, Michael, I told you!” Diane was sobbing down the line. I glanced down at the hundreds of fans camped out a couple of stories below. I had turned the lights out so that they would think that I was sleeping and the other hotel patrons would be able to get some sleep.

The last thing I needed was to get kicked out of yet another hotel.

I didn’t really know what I could do or say that would console her. “You did it alone before without me, sweetheart, you’re a strong woman, you got this…”

“I don’t. I can’t deal with you away. Casey can’t deal with you over there.”

The idea of Casey asking after me every day was painful. Hearing her cry each time Diane pried the phone away from her was heartbreaking – so heartbreaking that Diane had decided to put a stop to our nightly conversations.

I begrudged her for it. In fact, it didn’t help things; it just built resentment.

“I’m doing the best that I can,” I said quietly, rubbing my throbbing temple. “I miss you and I miss Casey like crazy. How do you think it makes me feel? Its like, all you do is think about yourself, Di, it makes me really sad.” I sank down on to the bed. “Do you ever consider me?

You’re the one who walked away!”

We had been arguing and going about in circles for almost half of an hour and I was just about done. “I didn’t walk away,” I spoke slowly and firmly. “I went to work!” I knew I was about to explode with frustration, “It’s not like I walked in to this relationship and then suddenly became famous and impressed that upon you and Casey… I can’t just give up everything; I’ve never asked you to give up a single thing, how is this even fair?”

I heard her sobbing again and I felt guilty. I wasn’t supposed to bring her sadness. “I love you…” I told her almost reluctantly, “I think this is just been hard cos we haven’t seen each other in almost two months…” my voice trailed off. “I’m going to be in Japan for the rest of the week and then Thailand, but… why don’t you and Casey join me in Hong Kong?”

“We can’t Michael, she’s too sick.”

“I’ll organise it. I’ll organise a doctor to accompany you guys on the flight, I know what she needs, Diane, it’s okay, let me handle it… just… come, okay? Leave this bullshit at home, come and enjoy Hong Kong – and us, let’s enjoy us – we haven’t spent any time with one another properly since DM.”

We hardly ever spoke about DM.

“I miss you…” she said softly. It was one of the first times she had been vulnerable with me. She was constantly building walls of defence between us. Each time I knocked one down another went up. It was exhausting and if I was going to be honest with myself, if it weren’t for Casey, I wasn’t sure if I wouldn’t have just walked away.

“It’s nice to hear you say that…” I murmured. “I miss you too. It’s pretty lonely out here. I would love to just hold you and Case in my arms again…”

“I’m sure the fans keep you company,” her voice had turned to ice. Ugh; insecurities. She made her remark in such a way that was double-edged. It was as though she believed that I slept with fans each night in my hotel room. I didn’t know when she expected I’d have that chance given we were on the phone almost every night, arguing til the early hours.

If I accused her of being jealous or insecure she would have defended her comment, saying that I took it the wrong way, that maybe I was defensive for a reason.

“Nope,” I said simply, “Larry and I spoke with some fans out front of the Hotel earlier, but it’s the same old, you know how it goes. Autographs, photos, more autographs, lots of screaming…” I sighed as if it all bored me.

Sometimes it did, but mostly I still loved all that adulation and excitement that my presence brought to people.

“What I really want is to be with people who know me. I’m sick of seeing Larry’s face to be honest with you…”

I heard Diane sigh, realising I wasn’t biting at her comment. “Michael, why is this so hard?”

“Life is hard, it’s unfair too, Di, but we can choose to live each day to the fullest or we can keep living life in misery, focusing on the ‘could bes’ and the ‘maybes’, but right now we need to just to be present in each day, enjoy each other and enjoy Casey… she’s still here, she’s still alive and full of beans, sweetheart…”

“I know…” her voice grew quiet.

I let the silence fall thick between us as I got up, lifting the phone and bringing it back to the bedside table. I pulled back the covers of the bed and got comfortable, holding the receiver against my ear with my shoulder until I settled in.

“Okay,” she said finally, “we’ll come to Hong Kong to see you…”

“Great,” I felt my lips upturn in to a smile. “I’ll organise it all and send you the information.” 

**

I picked up the phone to dial Neverland. I needed to be responsible; I needed to at least let Malania and Kaito know where I was. It was the right thing to do.

I found it hard to coordinate my fingers with the buttons on the phone. I paused, staring for the moment trying to organise my thoughts.

“Wait a second, wait a second…” I murmured to myself. I put the phone back in to the cradle and decide to consider it a little bit longer.

My skin felt itchy and as I looked down at the counter top at all the pills, I couldn’t remember which of them I’d taken. There seemed to be so many of them – or, perhaps my vision was just doubled. No, tripled.

Whatever.

I didn’t know how many days had passed, if it had been just a day since I’d seen Greg or if it was longer. I was too scared to turn on the television in case there was a warrant out for my arrest for missing the first day of court that I was apparently required to attend.

Court…

Oh God.

I’d barely made it to the bathroom when I began to vomit all over the place, heaving up every last bit of poison that filled my stomach. The stench of alcohol and stomach bile filled the air, rousing every last bit of remnants inside of me.

My head; it pulsated with pain that radiated right down to my neck. Each time I retched, it throbbed more.

I slumped against the white tiled wall beside the toilet bowl, too weak, in too much pain to move.

I brought my knees up to my chest and buried my head in my hands and began to cry; silently at first and then I felt myself releasing everything loudly with deep, heaving sobs.

If I had been able to think straight, I would have contacted one of my brothers and organised a way out of the U.S – to a country where I could settle and never have to go back and face the music; but in order to do that, I had to give up absolutely everything and if I had to do that?

I remembered the pills scattered all over the kitchen counter. Why not just take them all? I’d be giving up everything just the same.

Didn’t sound like such a bad idea.

I could hear the phone ringing out in the foyer of the apartment, but I was stuck. I couldn’t move. I didn’t care who it was anyway.

The pungent odour of my vomit lingered in the air and caused me to feel dizzy and nauseous all over again. I tried to get up, but I couldn’t. My legs felt too numb and my arms were like spaghetti.

Fuck it.

“Fuck you, Diane… Fuck you, Diane…Fuck…. You,” my voice sounded snarly and angry.

**

I wasn’t sure how long I’d been sitting there, but eventually I found feeling in my body again and got up and forced myself in to the shower to clean the vomit from my chin and neck.

I would deal with the rest of the mess later.

I made my way back to bed, passing back through the kitchen in a towel, discarding all of ideas of calling Malania or my brothers. Instead, I grabbed a Valium and plopped it in to my mouth.

I climbed in to bed and waited for the pill to work so I could dull all the stupid thoughts.

Chapter End Notes:

These next few chapters are a little sombre and it took a lot of energy to write them trying to capture the emotions. I am genuinely ready for some honest feed back with regards to this, so please let me know what you think in the reviews. Even if its harsh, I dont mind! lol (well, I'll mind, but I won't be mad, haha) I really want to know what everyone's reactions are to this turn of events. 

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