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I cant remember if this chapter has any triggers, but just please be aware. Also thank you for all your kind reviews. I love to read them and value each one of them even if I don't immediately have the time to reply. 

And zOmg. I finally hit the double number reviews! haha, I was so excited by that! Thanks everyone :) 

Chapter 48


Channel 4 kept repeating the same footage over and over at each newsbreak. I felt sick and revolted inside each time the news broadcaster used my name. It was surreal and upsetting but the bigger part of me felt awful for Michael because I knew just how guilty he felt.


The chief nurse had come to see me and requested to see Michael separately. They politely asked that he not visit me anymore because of concerns about attracting attention from paparazzi and other media.


I was livid at first, but after Michael reframed it as providing privacy to the other patients, I just felt incredibly down. I wasn’t even allowed to visit him for day release.


My Mama turned up unexpectedly two days after my name had been released to the public.


I don’t know why she suddenly decided to come, but it had been almost three weeks since I’d last laid eyes upon her. She looked sad, weary and … broken.


She let herself in my room. It was saddening for me and I felt guilty.


“Mama…” my voice trailed off. I wasn’t sure if she was going to be angry with me for Samuel killing himself, or if she would be happy to see me.


Her mouth curled up into the making of a smile. It was weird how much of a difference three weeks made. She seemed thinner in the face and was paler than usual. “Malania…” she breathed my name slowly with her strong accent.


I jumped up from my bed where I’d been sulking all day. I felt overwhelmed by my own emotions and they began to overcome me.


My Mama embraced me tightly, wrapping her arms around me and stroked my hair. I inhaled her familiarity and relished the warmth of her; her comfort was different to that of anyone else in my life. It felt inexplicably reassuring despite everything I had been through and despite all that I blamed her for.


“My Malania…” she said again, “don’t cry, please don’t cry…”


“I’m sorry,” I apologised, drawing away from her. I could see that she was crying too.


“I missed you…” she said, wiping her eyes.


“Why didn’t you visit, Mama?” I asked her point-blank.


She sat down on my bed, drawing me next to her. “I didn’t know what to say, I know you’ve been so upset, draga. With me.”


She had a point. I knew had she come to see me immediately after the news of Samuel, I would have refused to see her.


“Mama…” I began slowly, taking a deep breath, “I’m … I-“ I paused, “I’m sorry about Samuel…for… your loss.” It took all of my bravery to say the words out loud. It felt odd to say them.


Michael and Raia had both been right. Feelings weren’t like a tap; they couldn’t be switched off. I knew regardless of how hurt my mother had been to find out Samuel’s actions toward me, she still would have been grieving the loss of her son. It wasn’t anyone’s fault; it was just the way it was.


It was all I needed to say. I watched her face crumple in to tears. It was my turn to embrace her. She apologised repeatedly for her sadness, but it was okay. Suddenly, I found that I didn’t mind so much that she was sad for the loss of her son.  Rather, I felt bad that I hadn’t tried to be more understanding.


“I love you Mama, volim te.” It always meant a little something more to her to hear it in her native tongue.


Volim te isto, sečeru…” she repeated through her tears.


When our tears had subsided, Mama sat a little stiffly beside me. There had been so much unspoken that it was almost awkward. “How are you feeling?” she asked me, looking over me as if trying to make sure that I was well.


“I’m okay, everything feels strange at the moment,” I admitted, “but I’ll manage.” 


Draga, please, we must start over together – I don’t want to lose you.”


For a moment I was confused by what she meant. She must have realised.


“I want you to be able to tell me all in your heart, Malania,” I missed the way she drawled my name in her strong accent. It sounded so familiar and so comforting. “I want to support you always no matter if it hurts my heart sometimes.”


“I don’t want to hurt you, Mama,” I told her honestly as I reached to place my hand in hers. “Sometimes it’s hard to be kind about something when I’ve been badly hurt myself, though.”


“Like with Samuel,” she supplied.


I nodded.


“I will get help also so that I can be a good Majka to you again.”


I couldn’t help but to smile. “Thank you, Mama,” I said, kissing her cheek.


We talked about my name getting in to the press and about Kaito getting in to some trouble with Michael. Surprisingly, my Mama was quite calm about it all, a lot calmer than I’d expected. She said my Dad had dropped her off on his way to see Kaito and Michael to debrief on all that had transpired over past few days. 


Mama gingerly asked me how I felt about Samuel and I saw that she was still deeply sad. She almost broke down, so I just told her I was okay. I didn’t want to create more stress; I just wanted to get through it.


“Mama, have you seen Anica today?” I asked. Mama shook her head. “I’d prefer if you asked her not to visit me again. She’s kind of toxic for me right now.”


I explained a little about what had happened and Mama frowned. “Anica is just worried about you, maybe she doesn’t know how to show that.”


I shrugged, “I will see her when I’m gone from here, I don’t want to be stressed out and I need her to accept that Michael isn’t going anywhere.”


“Papa tells me that Kaito is looking to buy a property near Santa Barbara airport and that you will move with him…” she brought up the subject slowly trying to dim the light on my anger for what had happened earlier with my sister.


I just nodded. “I think it’s time, Mama. I think we all need our space right now,” I added. “Can I be honest with you?”


She slowly nodded. I wasn’t sure she was about to like what I had to tell her. “Sometimes, Mama, its hard for me to be at home – maybe that’s why I liked to go to see Michael—after what happened, there were so many times where I felt anxious to be home.”


Mama didn’t know how to respond to that.


“I know it hurts to hear, and I’m not trying to be hurtful, Mama, but I want to be honest. I am not leaving home because I’m angry with you or Papa, I’m leaving because of everything that happened in my bedroom—it’s hard for me.”


She seemed to accept my explanation. “Malania, you know if I could have known, I would have stopped it, I would never have let him harm you like that.”


I felt tears resurfacing, but I blinked them away. I was so fucking done with all the tears. I just nodded.


“I’m not sorry about my brother, I am relieved, Mama, but I know for you and Papa its not so easy.  I’m trying very hard to be understanding of that, so be patient with me, okay?”


She encircled her arms around me again and held me close to her.


A mother’s reassurance, that’s really all that was necessary. Surely, it was me whistling a totally different tune compared to how I felt when I found out the news.


There were many things that I could have let bother me about my Mom’s visit, such as why she took so long, why she didn’t support me more whole-heartedly, why she didn’t know what to say – but, I chose for now to just avoid those questions and deal with it in therapy.


Above all, I loved my Mama so infinitely in spite of her shortcomings and if I took anything from these faults, it was notes on what I wouldn’t do to my own children. 


**


It felt kind of tough saying goodbye, but it was another necessity.


I hugged Clair like she was my best friend and I left Julia most of my things as though she was my little sister and I was moving away from home. She was set to leave in three days and I promised to keep in touch.


She had cried while I was packing and I felt bad for leaving her there, but it was definitely for the best.


The press had been camping outside of the treatment centre for almost an entire week and everyone had been acting weird with me, including some of the staff.


My Dad, who had been a little cold with me since that group session after Samuel’s death, had informed me that some things had been written about me by a healthcare professional which had been reproduced. 


Neither of us were happy about that, but the treatment facility had been a great place to be able to block it all out.


However, the straw that broke the camel’s back was a night earlier during dinner. Peyton was going through one of her almost-nightly meltdowns because the nurses weren’t letting her get away with refusing to eat. The nurses kept threatening her with hospital care or a nasal gastric tube to force her to eat.


Of course, I’d made the mistake of laughing at a joke Julia had made about Michael and I finally getting some private time after these past few weeks, which I’m pretty sure Peyton took as me making fun of her.


She threw back her chair, shocking some of the other patients. I heard a nurse, Karen, warn her to sit back down. I didn’t immediately realise that she was melting down over my laughter. I made it my business not to give her any attention even when she was yelling at me from the corridor for no apparent reason.


Julia put her head down. Peyton intimidated her and since she had befriended me, Peyton had paid special negative attention to poor Julia. She made a beeline to us, “What the fuck are you laughing at half-assed Asia?”


Initially I was a little taken a-back. I heard the warnings come clear and fast from the nurse, but given everything that had happened over the past week or so, I wasn’t about to let her get away with it anymore.


“Dial down your ego, Peyton, I couldn’t give a shit about you or your dinner time dramas,” I replied evenly without raising my voice or changing my tone. I sounded bored and disinterested.


“You think you’re so fucking smart, don’t you? You think we all don’t read the news, you piece of shit? You think you’re soooo much better than me, don’t you?” she pressed, getting closer and closer, invading my personal space.


I put my fork down. I had never felt a stronger urge to clobber a bitch. She was really dancing a jig with the devil, messing with me while I had sharp objects within reach.


“Peyton, get out of my face, I’m warning you,” I told her through clenched teeth.


“What are you gonna do Miss Jackson?!” she taunted, never the less taking a step back and laughing at her own nastiness.


I sucked in a deep breath. I said nothing, which apparently just seemed to fuel her behaviour despite her being reprimanded from all directions of the nursing staff.


“Yeah, that’s what I thought; nothing… just like what you did when your big brother was banging you every night.”


I felt my entire body go cold and rigid. I could barely breathe. The oxygen seemed to dry up in my lungs and instead, it burned to try to get fresh air.


“It’s okay,” Julia whispered to me, obviously realising that Peyton had hit a raw nerve. I was completely frozen, unsure if I wanted to be sick or if I wanted to collapse with grief that someone besides Michael or a family member, knew my secret.


Peyton was ushered off to her room and still I sat, staring silently into my food, too humiliated, shell-shocked and stunned to move.


How does she know? How does she know? How does she know?


The question repeated over and over as though it was on repeat.


 My led-weight body seemed to slowly regain some feeling and I became acutely aware of my racing heart and I began to have a full-blown anxiety attack like the ones I suffered when I awoke from my nightmares.


“Mal, are you okay?” Julia asked. She’d risen from her seat across from and slid in beside me. She was careful not to touch me, I liked that she respected personal space. “Don’t worry, she is totally crazy.”


I wasn’t entirely sure what happened because all of my attention seemed to zero in on Peyton’s words. A nurse ushered Julia away and took her place beside me.


I didn’t even realise immediately that it was Clair, my favourite nurse.


She was often assigned to me.  Probably because we had built a good rapport and quietly, I also think she liked me as a person.


“Malania, how about we just get up from here, very slowly,” she suggested, “and we head back to your room where we can chat in private.”


I found myself giving an uncertain nod.


“Okay.” she pushed her chair back and took my arm, helping me to my feet. I still felt like a zombie but I was starting to lose that dizzying grief that had so quickly overcome me.


Once back in my room, I opted to sit in the armchair and Clair went to get me a cup of tea.


“Do you want to talk about what happened back there?” she asked kindly, sitting beside me.


“How does she know?” I asked, trying hard to swallow the giant lump in my throat. “How did she know those things about me?”


Clair didn’t answer.


“I want to go home, I can’t stay here anymore, not now…” I shook my head, gulping back my own sobs. “I want to call my brother, can I?”


“Take some deep breaths, sweetheart,” Clair ignored my request. “Just calm down, Peyton says a lot of stupid things when she’s mad at herself.”


I shook my head, “Clair, she knew!” I argued, eyeing off my phone. “I want to call my brother.”


She said nothing and passed me the phone. I pressed the buttons, dialing the number Michael had given me. Both he and my brother were at Neverland, where Kaito was staying while looking for a property for us. On the third or fourth ring, Michael answered.


“Michael,” I murmured tearfully.


“Oh hey my heart, how are you?”


I could barely hold my tears back. I tried to keep composed. “Michael, I need to speak with my brother, is he there?”


“Sure…” he replied uncertainly. “Are you okay?”


I sniffed, “No, but I need to speak to Kaito.”


Michael didn’t say another word. I heard a muffled sound, his hand must have been sound proofing the phone. A few moments later my brother picked up the receiver.


“Hi Mal, what’s wrong?”


I began to sob like a baby. He demanded to know what had happened but really he couldn’t get anything out of me until I calmed down.


Clair sat beside me and instructed me to breathe, but my voice was trembling along with every other part of me. “Kaito…” I murmured, “I need you to come and get me, I can’t stay here anymore, they all know.”


“Sweetheart,” Kaito began in a soft, compassionate voice, “calm down for a moment and tell me what happened.”


I wiped my eyes and let out a shaky sigh. “One of the girls here,” I began to explain, “she freaked out on me and made a comment about my brother… and what…” I could barely say it out loud, “and what he did to me. How does she know?”


If he knew, he didn’t say. “Can you do me a favour? Can you hold off just for tonight?” he asked me, “I want you to calm down a little bit, have a chat to Mike before bed like usual and I’ll be there tomorrow morning to sort this bullshit out, okay?” 


It wasn’t okay, I wanted to be out of there immediately, but I agreed. I had no one else to rely on. I didn’t think either of my parents would understand.


“Okay,” I murmured almost inaudibly.


“I love you, kiddo, do you want to have a word to your loverboy?” he asked in a way that was both comforting and slightly teasing. He wasn’t trying to gloss over what I’d told him, but I guessed it was his way of trying to calm me down.


“I don’t know…” I paused, “No, ask him to call me at the regular time. I just need to be alone, I think, for a little while.”


“Okay…Malania, it’ll be okay, I know you’re upset,” he told me, “but we’ll work this out, I promise.”


“K…”


He tried to talk to me for a few minutes more until he was satisfied that I’d calmed down, but I wasn’t interested. I wanted to curl up in bed and cry myself to sleep.


**


So, I was leaving.


My parents weren’t happy, but Raia recommended me for outpatient care. I would be meeting with her every other day at her private office near the treatment facility. I didn’t care that it was still so far from Neverland just as long as it wasn’t back at Willow Blue. I was happy to see the back of that place.


Kaito signed me out. I was so happy to be free. Julia cried and I almost cried too, feeling bad for leaving her, but I knew she would be okay and I promised to call her before bed the way Michael did for me. 


The drive to Santa Barbara was a quiet one. I wasn’t really in the mood to talk and getting through the conclave of press outside of the facility centre had been a bit of a joke. Kaito wasn’t driving his own car so we were able to get in and out of the gates without too much drama.


Apparently, according to the chief nurse, depending upon what patients were there, it wasn’t unusual to have to endure a small volume of media every now and again. However, given Michael’s situation, this was a whole lot more attention than anything they had experienced.


“Are Mom and Dad mad at you?” I asked.


Kaito looked over at me and smiled weakly. “Yeah, but… they’ll be fine. They knew this was going to happen. Also, we want to keep you away from anywhere the media might think to nose around,” he replied with a shrug.


I was nervous about seeing Michael. Just him and I. We often had time alone when he was allowed to visit, but it had been a long time since we didn’t have a staff member checking in to make sure nothing was going on between us.


Perhaps I was scared again of his expectations.


But either way, it was weird to finally have the kind of relationship I wanted. To see him when I wanted, to speak to him without a filter or without having to double-check our privacy.


It was nerve-wracking.


My insecurities were going nuts. What if we didn’t get along outside of our conditional relationship that Willow Blue set for us? What if I didn’t cope with it? What if it all got to be too much?


“But,” Kaito interrupted me from my verge of a panic attack, “if this all feels too weird for you, you can go back to Mom and Dads, you know that, right?”


I just nodded.


“I thought you’d be happier to be out of there, Mal…” he probed me, wondering why I was a bit quiet.


“I am happy to be out, I just…” I shrugged, “I’m scared for what’s ahead of me.”


“One day at a time,” he reminded me.


**


Neverland looked a little different from the outside. It had been a work in progress last time I visited a few months back. Now it was more vibrant and there were a lot more ornaments and decorations filling the gardens and pathways.


I breathed in the nicest lungful of clean, crisp air and indulged myself in a smile. I stretched out, reaching for the sky. I couldn’t wait to wear proper clothing that didn’t involve sweatpants and chucks without the laces.


“Your boyfriend is a genius; how lovely is this place?”


I chuckled. Sometimes Kaito’s British vernacular made me laugh. It came out every now and then along with an accent that at times sounded comical and put-on.


“Yeah…”


The door flung open and there he was. He stood at the top of a flight of stairs that led to the main entrance of his home. He wore a pair of black slacks and a red plaid button down shirt.


He stood at the top of the stairs, grinning at us with his curls tied back behind his head. He surveyed me for a moment and lifted a hand to wave before coming down the stairs to meet me at the landing.


It was a slight bit awkward. My brother, sensing that we probably needed a moment to ourselves, grabbed my bag and slung it over his shoulder. He walked past us and up the stairs, letting himself through the open door and into Michael’s house as though it was more than just a brief resting place.


I was temporarily distracted by his comfort in my boyfriend’s home.


“Um, is that okay?” I asked, pointing.


Michael turned behind him, catching Kaito disappearing through the doorway.


He shrugged and smiled at me. “Really?” he asked, “I haven’t seen you for over a week and that’s what you’re concerned about?”


He was joking of course, but I knew there was an element of impatience for a hug and a kiss on his part. I took a step closer and felt him take my hands. “I’m so freakin’ nervous…” I admitted to him.


“Why?” he chuckled, “whatcha gotta be nervous about?”


I couldn’t help but to grin at him. I gave a little shrug. “I don’t know… it’s weird to be with you here again, without any confinement or conditions or rules… It’s like I’m on probation or something.”


“Well, the condition is that you see your shrink and you never skip out on her,” he replied, closing the distance between us. I stood on my tiptoes to meet his lips for a soft kiss.


“Shut up about the shrink for now…” I commanded gently.


He kissed me again, letting go of my hands and sliding his arms around me. “I’ve missed you so much…”


“Me too…” I told him with honesty.


“I felt so bad because I knew you were having such an awful time and there was nothing I could do to make it better…” he pouted.


I couldn’t resist those lips. I kissed him again. I wanted to kiss him again and again and in a more private instance. Where had my nervousness gone?


“Come on,” he said after he pulled away, “let’s get you inside, it gets cold out here in the afternoon.”


 

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