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Chapter 35

I didn’t sleep.

Someone went through every item in my suitcase; they checked pockets and under my shoe soles, in socks and in every possible hiding place for anything sharp, or what they called ‘contraband’, as though I was in a fucking prison.

Well, I suppose it was a bit like that.

I was grateful for the room on my own; I half expected to have to share. There was an empty bed beside me which I was only praying wouldn’t end up with someone in it. It was a nice space that I had and the bed was a little more comfortable than anything I’d been subjected to at the hospital.

My parents had been subjected to an hour long grilling of my history of self-harm and injury. I felt for Michael who had to sit in the car and wait. He didn’t mind though, he was a good sport.

I had to sign a contract agreeing not to self-harm for the duration of my treatment. I signed it with a good attitude; I felt like with Michael’s words and the love he had for me, I could do anything.

I held on tightly to the piece of jewellery around my neck. The admitting nurse had tried to dissuade me from bringing it inside the treatment facility. She argued that it could be used as a weapon, or that I could harm myself with it – and when I argued back, she tried to use a different tactic—that it might be stolen by other inpatients.

“Please,” I cried, growing tearful, “my boyfriend gave this to me as a gift before I came, so that I could keep it with me, to keep him with me while I was here… Please don’t make me leave it with my parents.” It was the first time I’d referred to Michael as my boyfriend and if he was there, I probably wouldn’t have had the balls to, but I was guessing that’s what we were to each other.

She seemed to take pity on me, “I’ve signed the contract, I don’t want to harm myself, I just want to get through this and get better.” I wasn’t lying, I wasn’t acting, I was being honest.

I knew from then on this valuable gift Michael gave me would be used as currency against me – I would lose it as a punishment if I did something wrong. The nurse was empathetic and let me keep it on me.

I tried to sleep and I imagined Michael back at his Hidden Hills apartment trying to sleep as well. I tossed and turned and kept thinking over the surreal conversation that took place before we left for this wellness centre.

‘you have my heart…

Nowhere in my wildest dreams did I ever expect those words to be spoken to me by any man, much less Michael Jackson. He was the very same Michael Jackson that I took solace in as a troubled teen.

His hands on my shoulders, through my hair, his lips at my neck, the warmth in his smile – everything about him made me feel like I was soaring.

I loved him so much, with every little fibre inside of me. I wanted to tell him, but I was also scared of rejection. I was afraid of loving him more than he loved me, or making a fool or myself.

I didn’t want him to realise that I wasn’t as special as he originally felt, I didn’t want to disappoint him, so I needed to protect myself to a degree.

My sleep was broken and I had a headache, but I was forced out of bed by a nurse who came in to inspect my room and do a clinical examination. She seemed happy to know everything was in order.

“Am I going to get a room mate?” I asked curiously, my eyes darting to the empty bed.

“Not at this stage,” she replied, “We’ve decided to give you some privacy.” I didn’t know exactly why that was, but I didn’t question it.

“Okay Malania, I’m going to accompany you in your morning tasks and then to breakfast now. I’ll introduce you to some of the other patients.”

“Okay,” I replied, feeling a little anxious about mixing with other crazy people. I wasn’t like them, I’d told myself, I was getting better, it was just a bump in the road, but I was otherwise fine. I could still function, most of the other patients probably couldn’t.

I went to get up to use the bathroom. I tried to push it open, but realised that it was still locked. The nurse was trailing behind me. “Um,” I smiled, “I’ve got this.”

“This is procedure,” she said, leaning over and using a key from her lanyard to open the door. “You’ll need to buzz us if you want access to the bathroom.”

“What?” I asked with a laugh, “seriously? What if I need to pee and its an emergency.”

“You’ll press the buzzer by your bed or you’ll come and use the toilet by the nurses station,” she informed me, not in a rude way, but more factual and no part of her was kidding.

I said nothing until she let herself in to the bathroom behind me. “I need privacy, I have to go to the toilet.”

“There’s no privacy afforded to you at this point, Malania, it was in the guidelines. Our first priority is a duty of care to you and to make sure you’re not going to try to injure yourself in any way.”

“So wait, you’re going to watch me urinate?” I asked with disbelief. I felt my cheeks flushing with embarrassment.

“I’m just accompanying you, I am not watching you, I’m just here to make sure you keep safe.”

I breathed in deeply. I tried to be as brave as Michael had been when he was told he needed to partake in a strip search and photograph. I tried to zone her out and go about my business but I lost a fair amount of dignity there in that bathroom.

When I was done, I flushed and headed back in to the room to get my toothbrush and shower amenities.

I was given a towel and a washcloth that was surprisingly soft and smelled nice. “Do you have to watch me shower?” I asked, hating the idea of someone seeing me naked. I was incredibly insecure about my body.

“I’m not going to be watching you, Malania, I’m just standing here to make sure you keep safe.”

For the first time since I’d arrived, I felt myself becoming worked up. The blonde nurse looked just a little bit older than me, but not by much. Her blue eyes watched me like a hawk. She reminded me slightly of Beth. My eyes were quickly filled with tears that I tried to blink back.

My mind ran rampant with stupid thoughts. If I wasn’t able to stand naked before someone who didn’t really care how I looked one way or another, how did I ever expect that I would be able to be intimate with Michael? The very thought of him touching any part of my usually-clothed areas made me feel a tightness in my throat and chest.

“I can’t…” I murmured, my voice cracking with emotion, “I can’t do this…”

“What is it, Malania?” she asked me in a softer, much more compassionate voice.

I let myself fall back on to the bed. I held my face in my hands—a contrast to the bravery that I’d gone to bed with.

“I don’t want to shower with someone watching me, I don’t want to toilet myself with someone watching me, I can’t… I’m not comfortable with it.”

She sat down beside me. “I can give you some good news honey, today is going to be the hardest day that you’ll endure here, alright?” she promised, “but its also bad news because you’re only just starting your day.” She gave me a smile but my mind was still fixated on the very moment Michael and I were making out in the back of the SUV and I’d freaked out the second he reached for the skin beneath my shirt.

I could hardly breathe thinking that maybe I’d given him hope that we’d be able to have a normal relationship. I felt like I’d led him on, made a giant mistake.

“Breathe, Malania,” she coached me, “you’re getting worked up.”

“I can’t…” I choked on air, “I can’t do this, I need to call someone to get me,” I told her with urgency, “I’ve made a mistake.” I went to get up but the nurse took my hand.

“Just sit down for a few minutes and lets talk about this, okay?” she urged me, “first of all, lets get your breathing under control.”

For the next few moments she helped me turn my gasps for air in to a regular breathing pace.

“I want to go home. This is the longest I’ve gone without talking to him…”

“Who?”

Michael and I decided that I would continue calling him Peter in conversations. We didn’t need everyone knowing about him. If I needed to talk about him in one-on-one therapy, I was allowed to use his name because it was strictly confidential; but outside of that, Peter it was.

“Peter…” I mumbled.

She smiled at me again, “Is that your boyfriend?”

I nodded, “I think so.”

She didn’t press me for more information. “Malania, lets get you showered, okay?” she tried to motivate me. “I won’t look at you, I will stand in the room and I’ll look out the window, I’ll give you as much privacy as I’m allowed to give you.”

“Okay,” I murmured, knowing I wasn’t about to get out of the rules just because I was a newbie.

**

I tried not to make eye contact with anyone as Cassie, the nurse who had been assigned to me, walked by me down the corridor. I liked her. She was nice to me and was compassionate and kind. It was a slow process, but we warmed to each other quite quick after I gotten the shower part over with.

The dining area was more elaborate than I expected it to be. There were groups of young women filling every single table. I wanted to eat alone, I didn’t really want a bar of anyone else.

I filled a plate with an egg and a slice of soggy toast. “Where do I sit?” I asked Cassie, “I don’t want to sit with anyone else.”

“C’mon, you don’t want to live this whole experience on your own, I’ll introduce you to some of these lovely girls here…” she had been guiding me over to a group of three women.

They all looked at me expectantly and I wanted nothing more than to shrink away. I realised that besides Beth, I’d never really had any friends that I socialised with outside of school. I’d never known what it was like to have a best friend. Beth and I affectionately called each other best friends, but once Michael was out of the equation, we had nothing in common.

“This is Malania, she arrived last night.” I held my tray of food, feeling like it was my first day at elementary school, “do you think you could show her the ropes a bit?”

“Sure,” a girl smiled at me warmly. I don’t know why I was surprised. They all looked normal; just like me. I somehow expected to see mentally incapacitated people all around me, drooling and babbling incoherently.

“Malania,” Cassie nodded to each girl; extending her hand, gesturing to each one so as to introduce. “This is Melissa, Julia and Peyton.”

Peyton was the one who spoke, who happened to also be Asian. She pulled out a chair beside her for me. “Here you go, take a seat.”

Cassie smiled at me, “Okay, I’ll leave you with the girls and I’ll be back after meals,” she informed me.

“Thanks,” I mumbled.

“Big day, huh?” Melissa empathised with me. She had mousey brown hair and looked a little frail.

“A lot to get used to,” I replied with a weak smile.

“So where are you from?” Peyton asked casually, “did you get through morning rounds okay?”

The other girl, Julia, laughed at the questions fired at me. “Pey, give the girl a break, she just sat down, she looks bewildered, the poor thing…” It was almost a little patronising, but it could have been worse. The crazies I’d imagined running around the place would have been much worse.

“I’m from Fountain Valley and yeah, I got through everything okay… Thanks.” I lied.

“Sorry,” Peyton apologised. She had hair the same colour as mine, we were the same thin build and probably the same height. However, she looked as though she were Korean or Chinese, I had very Japanese features about me, my father used to comment on how my eyes were more Japanese than his. The only thing that I really got from my mother was my facial structure and my high cheekbones. “Its just exciting when someone new comes in, it can get really boring in here, sorry girls,” she flashed a smile at Julia and Melissa.

It really did feel like school.

“Its okay.” I started to concentrate on my food. The girls spoke to each other but I could tell they wanted to ask me more questions.

“You are really lucky that you got Cassie, she is one of the nicest nurses here…” Melissa told me, “she bought me more wool the other day because I ran out and it’ll be a week before my Mom comes to visit again.”

“Mel is a serial-knitter,” Julia informed me. I just smiled. “We got taught how to do it in art-therapy, Mel is the only one who actually kept on with it.”

Peyton was grinning at her two friends, “I don’t mind, I got some cute little mittens out of it.”

“So…” Melissa folded her arms across the table and pushed the barely touched tray of food away from her, “what are you in for—no wait, can we guess? I love guessing!”

Brutal, I thought. But I was intrigued, I was sure they’d pick me for being anorexic or a unspecified eating disorder—I wasn’t that skinny, but I knew that as far as eating disorders were concerned, skinny wasn’t always a fair indicator.

“Guess away…” I muttered wryly. I wasn’t in to this, I just wanted to eat my breakfast, which wasn’t half bad.

“Bi-polar!” Peyton suggested. I shook my head.

“Bulimic, you’re definitely bulimic,” Peyton told me as if it were a fact and suddenly I realised I didn’t like her. She had looked me up and down as if trying to decide and it unnerved me.

“Nope. I’m not bulimic and I don’t have an eating disorder,” I replied, clearing my throat.

“Suicide attempt…” Julia remarked in a quiet voice and I realised she had spied the scar on the inside of my wrist that I usually kept covered with my watch. I liked her the most. She was trying to be respectful.

“Bingo, close enough,” I replied emotionlessly as I took a sip of green tea.

As if the conversation had suddenly grown too intense, the girls went back to gossiping about an inpatient who was on day release. I was glad for the shift of attention. I ate my breakfast as fast as I could. Cassie had informed me that after breakfast I was allowed to go back to my room or hang out in a common area to watch TV.

I wanted to be alone. I wanted to finish the book Michael had loaned me and I wanted to write to him. I wanted to draw something for him.

Other patients looked at me as they passed and I was sure it was just because I was fresh meat.

At 1pm, I was informed that I had a one-on-one psych appointment and there were scheduled activities for some of the afternoon.

I didn’t really care, I just wanted to go to my room and try to sleep and write or draw.

I wondered how Michael was doing and if he was thinking of me as well. I let my thoughts drift away back to our conversation the day before. It was almost as if something had changed; something in his voice and in his eyes as he spoke to me.

I had never seen him as intense and as acute in the points he was trying to make.

Once I’d finished my breakfast, I excused myself to go and put the plate and cutlery in to the waste area. I went past the nurses station to refill my tea. “Am I able to take this back to my room?” I asked Cassie who was beside another nurse overlooking some charts.

“Oh, you’re done with breakfast so soon?” she asked.

I nodded, “Yes, am I able to go back to my room now?”

“Sure, you don’t want to hang out with the girls?” she questioned me, putting the chart down. “I’ll be back soon to check in with Hayley,” she informed the other nurse.

“No, I’d just like to be on my own for now.”

She accepted that, “You can take the tea with you, come on.” I was confused as to why she was again trundling along side me to my room.

“Do you have to watch me on my alone time too?” I asked.

“Just monitoring you after your food, its policy, once I’m satisfied you’re not displaying any dangerous tendencies, I won’t need to.”

“I don’t have an eating disorder,” I told her, “I’m here because of self-injury.”

“Your hospital reports did say otherwise, you went on a self-imposed hunger strike and then vomited up when you did actually eat.”

“I vomited because I had a traumatic experience that was completely unrelated to food,” I argued. “Anyway,” I sighed, “I don’t mind you watching me sleep,” I smiled a little, this time it wasn’t forced.

Cassie laughed.

“It’s a bit creepy, I’ll admit, but whatever you have to do…” I joked.

“That’s the first time I’ve seen you genuinely smile since you got here, you’ve got a great smile.”

I remembered Michael telling me the same thing. That little thought made me want to burst with joy.

Back in my room, I asked to use the bathroom. Her key unlocked it and she allowed me back in and stood to the side, giving me privacy – as much as I could get sharing a bathroom with another person.

I came out and climbed back in to bed, picking up a journal that Michael had given me back when I was in hospital. I opened it up to write something and a piece of paper fell out.

I picked it up and unfolded it, surprised.

I forgot that Cassie was sitting on a chair, watching me. I grinned to myself, remembering that Michael had picked it up and asked me if I wanted to take it with me right before we left. He told me I should, in case I wanted to write.

Malania, bunny – whatever pet name we’re trying out,

By now you are inside the confines of your treatment centre and I hope that its going smoothly. Don’t be afraid to talk to people, don’t be afraid to show others that beautiful side of yourself that you reveal to me.

Keep up with your art, that will get you through. I know when I’m feeling sad I sometimes lose motivation to sing or to create, but once I begin again, I can’t stop, and then I regret the time that I was too angry or sad to pick up a pen. So, don’t get to that point, you are so talented. When you heal up, we’ll work on fine-tuning my talents again and we’ll work on fine-tuning yours and together we’ll take on the world.

By the time you’ve found this, I’ll be missing you like crazy.

Stay strong, my sweet!

Love M.”

I grinned and folded it carefully and slipped it back inside my journal. Cassie was still watching me. I breathed out a huge sigh.

“You look happy, did you find something you were looking for?” I could tell that she was trying to engage me, trying to help me feel a bit more normal, but it wasn’t a normal situation I was in, and I was okay to recognise that.

“Yeah… just a note from someone.”

“Oh, Peter, your boyfriend,” she guessed.

I just smiled and pulled my bedding back over me. “Will someone wake me up if I sleep through til my psychologist appointment?”

“Yes, I’ll be coming to get you for lunch,” she told me, getting up from the chair. I knew she was satisfied that I was truly just going to sleep.

I felt a bit lighter of heart as I rested my head. “Thanks…” I replied, getting comfortable beneath the blankets.

Just as I was drifting off, there was a knock at the doorway. I grumbled to myself and tossed on to my other side. I decided to just ignore it, the nurse would let herself in and would have been able to see from the doorway that I was resting.

Another knock.

Are you shitting me?

I sat up, “Yes?” I asked, looking at the doorway opposing the foot of my bed. I was surprised to see Julia standing in my doorway. She had long, brown hair that looked a lot longer than it had when she was sitting at breakfast. She wore a pair of pajama pants and a tank top that had some stupid quip on it.

“Hi Malania, can I come in for a second?”

I realised she was probably still a teenager, maybe a little older, but barely so. She looked sweet and was generally attractive, but I just wanted to be left alone.

“Sure…” I murmured.

She let herself in my room and sat down presumptuously on the chair that Cassie had been sitting in. She tucked her legs beneath her, her slender body seeming to contort awkwardly in the seat. “Sorry about the ambush earlier.”

“That’s fine, I get it, I’m new,” I replied.

“It wasn’t fair of me to tell you that I knew why you were in here,” she began awkwardly, “I didn’t really guess, I saw your scars.”

“I know that,” I replied, “but its fine, I don’t think I have any reason to hide it.”

“Its better than being here for depression or something that could have been resolved on the outside,” she remarked. I knew it was a glib-minded comment that reflected her age.

“Well, it’s a part of depression,” I retorted informing her, not getting defensive.

“I guess so. I cut too, that’s also why I’m here.”

“We’re both trying to get ourselves together and that’s a good thing, isn’t it?” I asked, realising that she was nearly as bright or as cheerful as she had been earlier.

“I’m here cos my parents dropped me off and kept driving,” she admitted, looking down at her badly chipped nails, “but anyway, I just wanted to say sorry, we’re supposed to be accountable for our actions, and I didn’t mean to make you feel bad.”

“You didn’t make me feel bad.” I told her evenly.

“Okay, cool. I’ll see you later then.” She extended herself from the chair and slowly got up and headed out of my room.

I sighed and attempted a second time to get some more sleep.

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