Chapter 18

Malania and I stayed up quite late. I had organised the guest house for her, but I felt like it was the place on the grounds that I sent the people that I didn’t know to stay. It was where security stayed, or where manages and professionals stayed. I wanted to show her that I trusted her because I wanted to get to know her.

I could tell that she was fiercely loyal. When we had arrived back to Neverland, she had been subject to the media and fan panic and had done so without question and with more concern for my wellbeing than her own. I appreciated that.

I had started feeling down and sloppy when we got inside and I knew she was trying hard, trying to make sure I was okay, and always the showman, I knew I needed to take care of myself or else my emotions would begin to seep through the calm I was finally feeling.

I called Alfred to get someone to go pick up the medication I was going to ask Malania to do for me. I wasn’t going to ask her to face the gauntlet of people again.

I knew immediately after taking Adderall I was hard to keep still. I knew I’d royally pissed her off by being too pushy with her. It was frustrating because I could feel myself upsetting her, but I wasn’t in full control of it. I kept interiorly daring myself to push and push until she told me her secret, because I wanted to know her story and was so deeply ashamed that she knew mine and I didn’t get a choice as to whether or not I got to keep my personal hell to myself.

Though, despite all that, I didn’t want to hurt her. I didn’t want to make her resent me.

I knew I was being erratic from the medication and I was aware and tried to be calm but I kept losing it and jumping around and pacing.

I looked over to her and see that she was falling asleep. Thankfully with a sleeping pill, I’d taken the edge of my erratic behaviour and was able to relax. I waited until she had drifted off completely before I got up and went to the guest room that was just down the hall from my room and Casey’s.

I opened the door and tried to remember who had last slept in that room. Everything was everywhere when I’d arrived back to Neverland, I was thankful that I’d cleaned up. I remade the bed, not being able to remember if the bedding had been changed.

I put some towels out for her on the end of the bed and a small pitcher of water on the nightstand with a glass like my mother used to always leave for me.

I went back upstairs and turned the TV off. I was sorry for eating all the junk food. After eating little to no food for so long, the junk food just made my stomach churn.

“Malania…” I whispered, not wanting to startle her. She stirred a little. Her head was rested against the arm of the chair. She was half-sitting, half-laying back looking as uncomfortable as hell. She looked so peaceful. My mind went to the situation she told me about with her brother when I noticed the trace of a bruise by her eye that she had confided to me that he’d left on her.

I wondered just how many times that he’d left his handprints on her. It wasn’t fair. I am pretty sure she was half his size. She was half of anyone’s size. She was really quite beautiful, there was no denying it. I loved her jawline and her high cheekbones, it gave such a lovely shape to her face.

“Malania, sweetheart,” I whispered again.

She opened her eyes slowly. I couldn’t help but smile. She looked surprised to see me for a moment. She went to say something but it got muddled up as it came out of her mouth. I chuckled, “Aw, you were sleeping.”

“Oh jeez…” she lifted her head and wiped her mouth. I couldn’t help but to laugh, she’d been drooling in her sleep. Her face flushed when she realised I had seen.

“Its okay,” I told her, not wanting her to be embarrassed, “don’t worry, I drool puddles when I’m in a deep enough sleep.”

“Gross…” she muttered, wiping her face.

“You looked uncomfortable and so I made up a bed for you downstairs, did you want to go?”

She nodded, “Yeah, thanks…”

We headed back downstairs and I showed her in to the room before Casey’s. “So this is the room, I put some water here for you and some towels, but if you need anything I’m at the end of the hall.”

“Thanks Michael, I thought I was staying in the guest house,” she asked me. When I had originally asked her to come, I told her I would set up the guest house for her because the drive back to Fountain Valley was too far.

“Why bother going all the way to the guest house, this room is okay, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, absolutely.”

“Great, well I think the last person who stayed in this room was my ex manager Larry, but as I mentioned, I changed all the bedding for you…”

“Thanks Michael, I appreciate it.”

“Okay I’ll leave you to it, have a good sleep Malania, goodnight.”

I gave her a smile as I closed the door behind me. I went in to my bedroom and closed the door behind me. If anyone had walked in, they’d probably have thought nothing had been cleaned up since the raid.

I lay down but I was still wriggly. I couldn’t keep still and I couldn’t stop my brain from ticking over.  

My stomach was feeling odd and I couldn’t stop thinking about Casey. I wished I knew where they were and how they were doing. I felt for Diane, I felt angry that someone had harmed my little baby and I knew it was probably my fault. I promised that I’d always protect her, that I’d never let anyone harm a hair on her head, but I’d failed.

I picked up the phone and I dialled Gregory’s number. I think I’d gone from avoidance to wanting answers. I knew it was late, but he had promised me that I could call him at any time I liked.

I waited for a few moments until his phone began to ring. After a few short moments a groggy voice answered. I felt bad knowing that I’d woken him up.

“Hi Greg its me, Michael Jackson.”

He mumbled something and asked me to hold the line. I waited patiently and looked up at the ceiling of my bedroom, my thoughts taking me to Casey. I tried to remember any changes in behaviour or attitude that couldn’t have been put down to childhood.

“Hi Michael, how are you feeling?” he asked me kindly as if I hadn’t just woken him up.

“I’m alright, thank you, and yourself?” I knew it was a formality.

“Good thank you- what’s on your mind?”

“I was just thinking about Casey I guess, and I was wondering a few things…”

“Shoot,” Greg urged me.

I let out a deep sigh and got up from my bed, picking up the phone and dragging it around over the bed so I had more cord to move with. I paced absently.

“Is she alright? I mean, I know its stupid to ask because I know I’m not to make contact, but since you guys told me that there was medical evidence of her being harmed, I’ve been a bit numb… And I really want to know if she’s okay…” I ranted.

“Michael, you obviously know that I haven’t seen the little girl. I’ve not yet met her nor Mrs Hargr-“

“Miss,” I corrected him, “its Miss.”

“Miss Hargrove,” he continued, “but what I do know is that she began to have night terrors and became a little withdrawn and quiet which her mother put down to illnesses and her hospital experiences.”

“Could it have been a doctor? A nurse? A family member? I mean, I don’t want to crush Casey or make any of this any more difficult for her, but was she pushed for information? Did Diane say if Casey specifically said I had touched her or hurt her?”

“Diane alleges that Casey said you had touched her inappropriately.”

I could have been sick.

I knew a child wasn’t able to make something like that up. Perhaps Diane just needed someone to blame. Casey wasn’t much of a talker. She was exceptionally shy and especially during stressful times she was withdrawn and quiet.

“I didn’t…” I replied to Greg quietly almost as if I was afraid that he wouldn’t believe me.

I breathed in deeply feeling nauseousness overtake me. I knew I shouldn’t have eaten. I sat down on the edge of the bed, clutching the ivory-coloured phone receiver to my ear and held my forehead in my other hand.

“Michael, I don’t doubt your innocence,” he assured me, “I am waiting for our own appointed psychologist to speak with Casey and Diane. I will be a witness to that and I would really be interested to know exactly what it is that she alleges you did.”

I gave another sigh of resignation. I knew he couldn’t tell me what I wanted to hear. We were saying our goodbyes when I stopped him, “Greg wait…”

“Yes Michael?”

“When we sat down the other day, you asked me to tell you anything that might be vital to the case,” I reminded him.

I knew I had his attention, “uhuh,” I knew he was afraid of a surprise, lawyers hated surprises in my experience.

“Diane and I had a child together but she miscarried it at around 3 or so months last year… we were involved in a defacto relationship. We never quite put a label to it, but I pretty much fathered Casey since I met her back when she was two. When I saw her last, we were making plans for summer…I really am having trouble processing all of this.”

It was Greg’s turn to sigh. I knew he pitied me. “That does actually help your case to know that.”

“It is hard to swallow that someone who I loved so intimately and unconditionally could believe that I would do something so disgusting, and my first instinct should be to yell and scream and lose my temper with her, but all my instincts tell me to do is to call Diane and comfort her and make sure my precious baby, Casey is getting all the help and care that she needs…”

The tears were welling in my eyes and I let them spill down my face. No one was there, no one was judging. It felt relieving.

“I understand, Michael… let me see what I can find out for you, alright?”

“Thanks Greg,” I replied, wiping my eyes with the backs of my hands.

We said our goodnight and I hung up the phone. My first stop was the bathroom where I evacuated the contents of my stomach by plunging a finger in to my mouth, pressing at the very back of my tongue. The relief it brought my stomach was satisfying. I sat for a few moments by the porcelain bowl, wiping spit from my mouth and crying like a ridiculous man-child.

I got up and rinsed my mouth out and took a couple of downers and got changed in to some pajamas and waited for them to do their magic.

**

“Don’t do that…” Diane shrugged me away as she flicked through the television channels. I could tell her protests were half-hearted due to the smile that was slowly making its way across her lips.

I planted another soft kiss upon her neck, another then another, making my way to the small part of skin on her collarbone. I saw the goosebumps rise and knew it was turning her on.

“Michael…” she turned to me with a bright smile, “come on… I thought you wanted to watch a movie.”

“I do…” I flashed her a smile back, “but it can wait for a little while, can’t it?”

She chuckled and tossed the remote to the end of the couch, careful not to disrupt the cord that connected it to the television. She turned to face me beside her and slid her arms around me.

I loved the intimacy that I’d shared with this woman. She stared deeply in to my eyes, searching them and turning serious. I reached up and cupped her cheek in my hand and smoothed her skin with my thumb, “I love you…” I told her meaningfully in a gentle tone.

“I love you…” she repeated. I smoothed her long brown wavy hair that tumbled down her shoulders, stopping around her mid back. She seemed entirely weary and exhausted by life. I was the only person who she couldn’t seem to emotionally shut out. I’d seen her treat her own parents with a stone-cold exterior, not being able to give anything of herself anymore. As deeply as we both loved Casey, I could tell that the little girl had stolen the joy of life from her.

“I don’t want you to worry anymore…” I told her quietly, stroking her hair.

Instantly her eyes dropped from mine, “I can’t switch it off, Michael,”

I lifted her chin and pressed my lips against hers for a slow, lingering kiss of comfort, “I know that, but… I mean, I’m going to take care of you. You spend so much of your life taking care of Casey and I love that about you, but you forget to take care of yourself.”

“I don’t have time to think about myself,” she replied, her eyes immediately filling with tears. This woman probably couldn’t remember the last time she visited friends or the last time she had really, truly laughed. 

“I know,” I repeated again, “but I love you and I want to take care of you and I’m here entirely to help you and protect you and Casey.”

“You already do so much, I don’t know that I could do it without you…” She gave a small smile. I wiped the tears from the corners of her eyes. I knew as awful as it sounded, if Casey did pass on, it would have brought with it some relief for her mother. They weren’t living, they were surviving and existing and waiting for some kind of reprieve.

“Well, you don’t need to do it without me. I’m not going anywhere, I’m totally one hundred per-cent committed to you and that little girl,” I admitted for the first time. “When Casey gets better,” I told her, “and we have time for us, I’m going to marry you…”

I saw fresh tears surfacing along with a smile that showed a tiny glimpse of the joy that the future promised us. “Do you truly mean that?” she asked, “because that-“

“I mean that with every tiny bit of my heart,” I told her.

“What if I can’t give you more children?” she asked, referring to the miscarriage, I knew that scared her and broke her heart yet again.

I shrugged, “I already have one with you…” I replied, referring to Casey, “and we can adopt or whatever.”

She didn’t reply to that, instead her arms tightened around me and embraced me. I guided her head against my shoulder. She rested there for a minute until she gained her composure before picking up where we had stopped for a chat.

It wasn’t long before we migrated to my bedroom, locking the door behind us having almost been caught out before by an almost four-year old who claimed to be having nightmares.

I loved Diane’s confidence. I turned from the door and found her at the foot of my bed, almost entirely naked save for a pair of tiny black underwear. I was a little startled that she could undress so quickly. I actually chuckled as I made my way over to her.

“You’re eager…”

She cocked her head and gave me a mock-reproachful stare. “As if you’re not…”

“Ehh…” I shrugged with a smile as I closed the distance between us. She pushed me away playfully but when I got close again, she inched her hands up my chest as she kissed me softly and unbuttoned my shirt. I helped her push it over my shoulders, letting it fall to the ground.

Our kisses increased in urgency and passion as she undone the buttons to my fly and unzipped me, letting my bottoms pool at my feet. I stepped out of them, finally breaking the kiss. I grabbed her bare waist and pulled her against my hips. She encircled her arms around my neck as I hoisted her up.

I might not have been the most masculine guy to look at, but all those years of dancing and endurance training didn’t leave me without any strength. Diane began to laugh happily as I made the short distance to the bed. I knew she wasn’t expecting it and it was sure a delight to hear her burst of laughter.

I lay her on the bed and kissed her all over, remembering how awful she’d been feeling over the past few days. I wanted to help her forget if only for a moment. I wanted to free her mind and concentrate on just how much I loved her.

Diane had told me that I had been the most giving lover she’d had, that I was attentive even when it was a quick thrill. I was glad to hear that because as a result she was interested in making love with me and I was couldn’t remember a time that she had turned me down. I helped her wriggle out of her underwear and she returned the favour. It was nice to be this close with someone who didn’t make my life difficult.

I slid my hands under her back and kissed her with passion, diving my tongue in to her mouth and tasting her sweet, velvety lips. I let my kisses create a damp track down her cheek, tracing her jaw and finding their way to the part where neck and collarbone joined. I knew that spot was especially sensitive for her.

She gripped my hips tightly, pulling me against her. She wrapped her legs around me and let out a soft moan. I felt her hand squeezing the flesh of my ass, pulling me hard against her. I let my fingertips graze over from her ankles behind me, all the way to her thighs at my sides as I kissed her. I knew that ever-so-soft touch brought this woman undone.

“Oh, Michael…” she sighed.

“Mmm?” I let my voice reverberate in her ear before running my lips over the shell of her ear, sinking my teeth gently in to her lobe. She writhed beneath my sensual touch, her body arching beneath mine. I loved driving her crazy.

I lifted myself a little, feeling her hand trying to create some space below our waists so that she could touch me. I felt the palm of her hand graze against my head. My eyes fell shut, eliciting a hiss from me. I forgot the attention I was paying to her for a moment.

“Yeah?” she challenged me. I gave a little nod, yielding to her touch. She liked to always start by teasing me a little bit, it was her signature move and it got me every time, but I had been anticipating it. She went to graze her fingertips over me, but I stopped, grabbing her hand and pulling it away and pinning it above her head.

“Just let me concentrate on you…” I murmured, recapturing her lips. I shifted to the side of her and allowed my hand to find its way around her body as if it were lost and discovering her for the first time again.

Her breasts were perfect plump, fleshy mounds that she had once confided in me that she was a little self-conscious of. I didn’t understand why, but remembered my own self-esteem issues and remembered how easy it is to see our own flaws. I concentrated on them for the moment, kissing my way down the valley between them, letting my thumb trace around her nipples making her moan and clench her eyes tightly.

I loved to see the tiny little bumps surface to her skin when I hit sensitive parts of her body. I let my mouth cover one of her mounds of flesh, letting my tongue pay extra attention to her sensitive areas while my hand travelled down south, stroking the insides of her thighs teasingly, making her body arch and buck involuntarily.

“Does that feel good?” I asked, knowing the answer.

“Fuck, Michael, just touch me… please…” she groaned.

I stopped what I was doing momentarily, knowing it would drive her crazy. “Come on baby,” I teased her, “that’s nasty language…”

She managed a frustrated laugh causing me to as well. We knew very well that when I was riled up in the bedroom, I had a mouth on me. Sometimes no other words were adequate.

“Michael…” she warned me through clenched teeth. I went back to work without another word. Her body couldn’t lie to me, the moment I began to explore her I knew just how much she wanted me. She was ready and aching for me.

When I felt her hand gripping around me again, I didn’t stop her. I was just as ready for her too. My head got a little dizzy as she touched me the way she knew I liked, rubbing her thumb over the head of my member.

I hissed again, letting my neck roll back as I clenched my eyes tightly.

“Michael… I want you inside of me…” she requested of me. I never denied her. She always got what she wanted from me, I could never say no when those beautiful hazel eyes stared in to mine. I smiled at her as I hovered over her. She smiled back and let her eyes fall closed, feeling me easing inside of her warmth.

“Yess….” she groaned.

I let us get used to the warmth and the feeling of being one for a few moments as I resisted the urge to thrust. I loved the intimacy of being so close with someone. It was unlike anything I’d ever shared with another person.

I stroked her hair and her face and planted a few kisses on her cheeks and her sweet mouth. She opened her eyes and stared at me for a moment as if we were sharing similar thoughts. She reached up and ran her fingers through my curls. “I love you so much,” she blurted out.

It was a breakthrough. Diane told me she loved me and I knew that it was true, but never had she told me unprompted. She was only ever able to tell me when it was in reply to my own declaration, but this was a first.

I could have burst with joy. I grinned at her, “I love you too, my heart.”

I began to move with her rhythmically. I knew this was the part I was best at, making love to someone was a bit like music for me. Considering that I was constantly hearing a beat in my head that no one else could hear, I was able to move in time, in a perfectly synced rhythm that made it easy for her to follow and connect with. When the kick drum sounded, I thrusted deeply, when the beat played on I moved inside her in time with the sound I heard.

It wasn’t just a technique, but really what felt natural to me. Music was written in to my DNA, it was normal for me to constantly keep a beat, but when I was making love, it transcended me once again. As the music intensified so did my love making until the feelings overwhelmed me.

Diane kept up with me for awhile but I knew she was close to done and was growing tired. I could have gone on for hours when I was so transfixed by her, by the music, by the melody between us—but I allowed the beat to get faster, allowed the bass to be kicked up on a notch and the kick drum to be struck more frequently.

It became almost too much as we went deeper and deeper in to song and she tightened around me, overwhelming me and igniting a sense of urgency. I felt myself filling up and overflowing inside of her, satisfying, relieving and exhausting, leaving me overjoyed and content.

Diane was breathless and smiling, I knew she felt the same. I collapsed next to her on the pillow, allowing myself a moment to catch my breath.

“Jeez…” she muttered, “I can barely breath… that was… amazing.”

I turned my head to smile at her. I edged a bit closer, draping an arm over her protectively. “Feeling good though?”

“Yeah… what about you?” she asked between breaths, “was it okay for you?”

I lifted a hand and gave it a little ‘so-so’ gesture, “I guess”, I shrugged dismissively.

She lifted her head, eye wide with shock. She slapped my shoulder, “Michael!”

“I’m kidding, I’m kidding!” I assured her with a little giggle. She laughed too and shook her head in disbelief at my silliness. “It was wonderful, I love making love with you, it’s the best feeling…”

I absently caressed her warm body. “I’ve not been with many people, but… you really know how to do it…you must have really sexed it up in your earlier years”

I laughed, I knew it was her light-hearted way of asking if I’d slept around a lot. “Hardly…I have probably slept with three different partners… you being the third.”

“It just blows my mind… every time we make love, Michael, you make me forget. My mind literally goes blank and I can concentrate on you and nothing else and sometimes I hate that I can’t give you all of me, all the time…”

It was probably the most telling thing she’d said to me. It inferred that she wanted me, she wanted to be committed to me, she wanted to love me and give herself to me, but her very day worldly worries stopped her. She was a woman burned from life and probably scared that giving herself to me would cause her great pain in the long run.

“I know, but its okay. I know there’s a future for us and I’m patient and right now we give so much of ourselves to Casey, but that’s why I told you I’m going to take care of you. I have people who can take care of me and knowing that you love me is enough, Diane, honestly… you’ll always have me and I’ll never, ever let you down or hurt you.”

“Promise?” she whispered. I knew being left pregnant without a father for her unborn baby burned her more than she ever let on. It created a family faction that never quite repaired properly and left her feeling more alone than ever when her baby had developed the tumours.

“I promise you.” I said solemnly, planting a kiss on her lips. “I’m not going anywhere anytime soon.”

“Good… I’d be lost without you, you are absolutely the love of my life, even if I’m not ready yet…”

“That’s okay, I’m ready whenever you’re ready; whenever Casey is ready.”

She breathed in slowly and deeply and let out a long, contented sigh. I had never been more certain of my future. Loneliness was never going to prevail me again. Diane Hargrove was my forever, always.