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 Chapter 16:

My eyes felt heavy and I was out of Adderall, but I was trying if only for the beautiful hearted girl in front of me who was trying her best to do something to make me feel better.

She had a cute little smile on her face and was looking a little mischievous as she organised the inside of her car for me to get in. She was only short against me, she disappeared halfway inside the backseat, neatening things up for me.

“Well this is nice…” I said out loud, staring at her cute, round backside with a smile.

“What is?” she asked over her shoulder.

“this, its good view, should I thank you?” I joked with her, her butt in the air.

She grabbed her own butt almost as if she were trying to cover it. I felt bad for a moment, thinking that I’d caused a little self-consciousness but I could hear her laughter.

Finally, she crawled back out and smiled at me, her cheeks were still a little pink. “Okay, sorry it was a bit of a mess…”

“No problem,” I couldn’t wipe the smile off of my face and it felt good.

She stood with her hands on her hips and surveyed the car. “So, I don’t want to bail out of this idea, but… what if someone busts us, am I going to get in to a lot of trouble?”

I chuckled, “No, I’ll probably get in to a lot of trouble, but we’ll deal with it. I think it’s a fail safe plan, don’t worry,” I assured her.

I fastened the baseball hat on my head that I found in my closet and I slunk in to the back seat. She grabbed the plaid rug that she had pulled from her trunk and spread it out over me, both laughing mischieviously.

“God, this is going to end so badly, I just know it…” she muttered with a laugh, looking adorable.

“Come on, believe in this…” I tried to spur her on. “I haven’t been out of the house unattended without security since the land before time.” I admitted, “so despite the present situation, this is kinda exciting to me.”

“Okay, when I say when, cover your face with that blanket, she directed me. She shut the back door of the car and got in to the drivers side.

“I hope you’re a good driver, cos I get car sick!” I called out. She laughed, not realising I was serious. I felt the car move down the driveway and down the path that led out of the security gate.

“Cover your face, Fred is standing at the gate,” she told me. I did as she said and pulled the blanket over my face and made sure my head was being covered properly.

“I’m just going to do some errands for Michael,” I heard her say sweetly, “for now I think he just wants to be alone, but I’ll be back in a little while.”

We had covered both bases. Before we’d left the house, I’d called the security shack and let them know that Malania was leaving but would be back within a few hours, that she would be staying for the evening. No one asked any questions.

I heard the gates opening up and after a short silence and drive, I knew I was out of there.

“Michael, keep still, there are fans out here…” Malania told me calmly as the car slowed. “Shit, Beth is here…” Rather than stopping to talk to some people like I thought she might, she picked up speed and continued down the road. After around about 300 or so meters she finally sighed.

“Okay, its clear...”

“Were there a lot of people?” I asked her, sitting up, glad for air because I was beginning to feel claustrophobic.

“Just fans…” Malania replied, “don’t worry they just saw me.”

“Did you see Beth?” I confirmed with her.

“Yeah… hopefully she didn’t notice,” I sensed some anxiousness in her tone. I figured she hadn’t sorted anything out with her friend yet. We got a short distance on down the road. Malania halted the car to a stop and allowed me to get in to the front. I fastened the baseball cap on to my head and settled in to the passenger side.

“So, did you end up seeing her that night she left you? Did she come back for you?” I wondered curiously. I didn’t think Malania had told anyone about coming to see me, but in all honesty, I didn’t really ask her.

“Yeah… she was waiting when I left Hayvenhurst… it was weird. She was mad at me when she thought that we’d met and I was annoyed by that, so I told her that someone took pity on me and let me sleep in the security shack.”

I was surprised that she’d lied, wondering why, given how close the girls were when I’d met them. “Why didn’t you tell her the truth?” I asked as we drove along, taking a left at the end of the windy road that was my street.

I liked that she wasn’t totally prim and proper. She looked cute even in her casual outfits. I loved that she didn’t wear gallons of make up, which sounded dumb in contrast to the make up I usually wore to cover my vitiligo. I studied her face as she concentrated on driving. She seemed reluctant to say but finally she shrugged. “I dunno, I guess I was mad with her. If the tables were turned, I saw her coming out of Hayvenhurst and had an idea that she’d met you or hung out with you or something, I’d have been envious, but very happy for her… And I just saw pure hatred on her face when I left there. I thought it was easier to keep things peaceful; and also, I respected you and your privacy.”

“So you think she got jealous? Did she at least apologise for leaving you out?” I asked.

She glanced at me as we reached an intersection and shrugged. “Sort of, I mentioned I was going home and she got a bit weird. She said she felt bad for leaving me and when I left I said I’d call her but neither of us have bothered making contact…”

“Well that’s sad, I thought you were both very close,” I remarked, although I was secretly glad that she had kept it to herself. I didn’t need fans swapping stories as much as I loved them.

“Yeah, we were I guess… but I think we had traveling in common. Once everything happened and we both dealt with it very differently, I felt the differences and that was the last straw for me.”

“I like that you’re being honest,” I admitted, grateful that we’d broken the ice that had been so thick between us.

She rose her eyebrow in a way that made me feel a bit funny, “did you prefer that I lie?”

“No,” I laughed, “I’m just saying, I like it…”

“Well… I like it when you’re honest with me too,” she replied. We shared a shy smile before she was quickly back to business, “okay so, where do you want to go first?”

“Mmm I don’t mind, what about we go hang out at Pismo… It’s the shortest distance and the nicest beach that I know of…” I told her, “unless you know somewhere else?”

“No, that’s fine… I know how to get there, so that’s good, or else we’d end up in Bakersfield or some crazy place like that.”

We both laughed, “you’re driving is pretty good…” I remarked.

“Why, do you think cos I’m part Asian that I’m living up to the stereotype?” she asked me in a serious almost-offended, voice.

“No, no…” I said quickly.

“I’m just joking,” she laughed.

“I’m just sayin’, it’s unusually good given that you’re a woman…”

She gasped in mock-furiousness, but I couldn’t even hold my laughter in, and soon she laughed too, realising that she wasn’t the only one who could make a joke that was politically incorrect.

“I should hit the brakes and send you flying out the windscreen for that one,” she threatened.

“And it probably wouldn’t be an accident, it’d just be female driving,” I kidded. She turned to me and cocked her head, trying to give me a serious and offended look but I just smiled at her fondly. “I’m only joking, I don’t really believe that. If you gave me the wheel, you’d see some seriously bad driving.”

“Really? Why so bad?” she wondered, curious.

“Cos I’m part Asian…” my voice trailed off until she reached over and gave me a gentle shove in the arm.

“Heyyyyy!” I burst out laughing, “that’s not nice!”

In all honesty, I felt good. My joy was only ever temporary because unfortunately I had a monster on my shoulder telling me that I had no right to be pleased when the world wanted my blood. But I pushed those feelings away and enjoyed the night and the freedom which so rarely came to me.

“No, but really,” I told her after I calmed down, “I am just awful at concentrating. I get distracted by the radio or… a thought or, really anything that isn’t driving.”

She laughed, “maybe its just that you’ve not driven enough. Where do you even drive?”

“I don’t anymore, but I used to try to drive a little bit… every now and then I can ride a push bike outside of the gates. I guess I could do it inside too the gates too, but there’s something so nice about being outside; freeing.”

She nodded, thoughtfully.

We passed a small convenience store just outside of Los Olivos when she pulled the car to a halt. “I’m going inside to get us something. What do you want?”

I thought for a moment, “I want to come in too.”

She looked alarmed. “What if the shop keeper recognises you?”

“I’ll be careful. I promise and if so, we’ll just drop everything and run back to the car.” I smiled, confident that I could handle it.

“Okay,” she grimaced, I could tell she was concerned but I tucked my hair up under the cap and jammed it on properly. When we got out we stood for a moment, making sure I looked less recognisable.

“Hang on,” she came closer to me. She stood around half a foot shorter than I was. She reached up and I felt her cold hands on both sides of my face, her fingers grazing against my hairline, pushing some stray hairs underneath the cap. I couldn’t help but to smile at her. She was just going above and beyond to help me out and to cheer me up.

“Your hands are like ice…” I informed her, shivering. She smiled back at me, a little awkwardly, realising how close we were. She retracted her hands a little guiltily. I just reached for one them and warmed it in mine. Neither of us said a word as we walked in to the store.

I held her close to me, using her as a little bit of a shield from the shopkeeper who was minding his own business reading a paper.

“What drink do you want?” she asked, looking in to the refrigerator that was set against the wall. I wasn’t a total shut-in, I had been in to grocery stores before. Though, it had been a long, long time since I’d been in to a store on my own without it being for a novelty. I hadn’t been inside a store for years without a circle of guards and people trying to get in to be near me.

I just stood with amazement, my eyes pouring over all the different drinks. I felt Malania’s eyes on me, I think she realised what a rare experience it was for me. She let me go ahead and take my time.

“Can I help you guys down there?” the shopkeeper called out, getting ready to come from his counter to help us.

“No,” Malania called back, “we’re just indecisive!” she called back with a smile.

He laughed, “Well ya’ll let me know if you need anything.”

“Thank you!” I dared to call back in a deeper-than-usual voice.

Malania and I exchanged excited grins, thinking that we had got away with it for now. We turned back to the fridge. “What’s Yoohoo?” I whispered, feeling incredibly naïve.

“It’s a chocolate drink, if you’re in to chocolate, you’d like it…” she told me, “or,” she pointed to the shelf above her head, “double fudge.”

I smiled and opened the door and pulled out a double fudge Yoohoo. “I love chocolate.”

“Mmm I haven’t tried that one, seems like it’d be a bit sickly?” she offered her opinion, “I think I’ll have the strawberry one.” Since it was a bit high, I passed her the double fudge and reached for the strawberry.

It was my turn to make a face.

We headed slowly over to the candy bars and chips. “Cheetos!” I remarked excitedly, “my manager used to be so against me eating these. He said they were so bad for me…”

She laughed, “Its every American’s God-given right to eat Cheetos until their teeth are orange and their fingers are covered in a thick seasoning.”

I laughed too, grabbing a large bag. She grabbed some potato chips and some seaweed crackers. I shook my head at her as she grabbed them.

“What?” she asked, quizzically.

“You Asians and your weeds...”

She rose an eyebrow. Sometimes I was sure that I’d offended her, but it was only because she pulled off seriousness so well. “You?” she asked, “you’re judging me? You are holding a double fudge drink and a giant, economy sized bag of Cheetos!”

I laughed sheepishly, looking down at my findings. “Is that bad?”

“No, its funny… do you want some candy bars so that you can make up the five basic food groups?”

We grabbed a couple more things and we nervously approached the counter to pay. I felt awful since I didn’t even have a wallet. It was rare that I carried cash or a wallet. Usually someone else took care of that for me.

“Oh no, Malania, I’m sorry, I didn’t think-“

“Don’t worry about it,” she replied turning around, giving me a smile as if she understood. I stood behind her at the counter as the shopkeeper swiped our items across a scanner. I felt like a free-loader.

“What have you folks got planned for tonight?” the shopkeeper asked.

“Not much, just a night in, watching movies – but we gotta have some supplies.” Malania replied angelically. I felt the shopkeeper’s eyes on me as if he were waiting for a response. For whatever reason, I dared to look up.

We caught eyes for the briefest moment. I saw him flinch a little as though he recognised me, but if he did, he didn’t say a single word. He just smiled at us both. “Well take care and have a good evening,” he told us after he tendered Malania’s change.

I urged us to the car faster but not too fast that he’d become suspicious. I was pretty certain we had dodged a bullet.

“That felt easy, too easy.” Malania announced as we got back in the car.

“I think he recognised me. I was an idiot, I let him see my face.”

“Michael, I promise he didn’t. The guy had glasses as thick as coke bottles, he wasn’t recognising anything.”

Her words comforted me slightly, “and besides,” she continued, “if he recognised you, he definitely would have said something more than enjoy your evening.”

“You’re right… I’m just paranoid,” I sighed.

“We can go back to Neverland and hang there if you want, I won’t be upset, I don’t want you to feel worried,” she offered.

I hated feeling gated and shut in. It was suffocating especially given the circumstances. I was pretty sure the shopkeeper had recognised me, but maybe she was right, he probably would have reacted different if he had.

“No, its okay, lets go to Pismo.”

“When was the last time you drove?” Malania asked me as we drove off, “where did you drive to?”

“Probably more than three years ago. I asked my guard if I could drive to Santa Barbara airport and we had an accident about 15 minutes later and no one has let me drive since,” I chuckled.

“An accident!?” she gasped, “how?”

“I told you, I don’t concentrate well. My guard was playing with the radio and annoying me so I changed the station and rear-ended someone…”

She laughed and pulled over to the side. “Okay Jackson, you drive. I trust you with my car… every guy needs to get some driving experience, I have every faith that you’ll be able to competently drive us without an accident.”

I just stared at her with disbelief, “Malania, I just told you the last time I drove I had an accident.”

She shook her head with a smile filling her lips. She looked so gorgeous. Her face was full of joy and as egotistical as it sounded, I knew her day was made just being with me, “I told you, I have faith in you. I feel like with experience you will concentrate more. And I’ll slap you if you try to even look at the radio.”

Without a word, she got out of the drivers side and I reluctantly swapped sides with her. “Okay, but if I have an accident, people are going to recognise me and then we’ll be in trouble.”

“Well you’ll just have to make sure that you don’t have an accident,” she told me crossing her arms. I felt bad, I knew I should have been more confident and maybe her faith in me did help a little but I felt awkward and scared of ruining her car or possibly putting her in danger.

I felt myself shaking a little bit because I knew she was watching me like a hawk. I put my foot on the brake and turned the car in to drive and looked both ways before I pulled back out on to the road gingerly.

“See, smooth… you’ll be fine,” she assured me. I gained a little bit of confidence and kept right on, following her directions.

I gripped the wheel feeling a little pressured but never the less I began to relax. “How about I put a little music on,” I joked.

Malania laughed, “if you touch anything aside from that wheel, I am going to hurt you, Japanese torture style.”

I chuckled.

Our drive to Pismo beach was pretty uneventful and calm. We chatted a bit, but mostly I concentrated hard on what I was doing. I was relieved to see there was really no one about. There was one car parked but the occupants were no where to be seen. Even though it was cold out, I wasn’t going to let that be the reason why we stayed in the car.

I pulled up and parked. Malania was smiling at me. “See, you did great, have some faith in yourself like I have in you.”

I just smiled bashfully.

We got out of the car. “Do you want to grab the blanket, its quite cold, I don’t want you to freeze…” I told her. She was wearing a pink hoodie but I was sure she was probably colder than I was in my thick letterman jacket.

I picked it up off the backseat and draped it over her shoulders. She hugged it around herself and together we walked away from the car and down a path toward a beach a sandy beach.

“So, jokes aside, how are you actually feeling? If you cut all the ‘I’m fine’ bullshit, how are you really doing?”

“mmm….” I considered her question; or at least considered whether or not I should be brutally honest. “I don’t know if I want to go in to it all, it’ll bum us both out…” 

“Well, I bummed you out earlier with my stupid past,” she shrugged, “so when you bum me out, I’ll be able to feel like we’re even.”

I managed a laugh. “Here, lets sit here…” I directed her to a little kids park about 50meters from the shore. She took a seat on a swing. I took a seat beside her on the next swing.

We swang a little bit in silence. I knew she was still waiting for my answer.

“I’m really heartbroken, Malania…” my voice trailed off, “I just can’t really believe it… I found out that Casey was actually molested and I am conflicted because…” I sighed, “I felt like my role in her life was to protect her and help her, and yet both Diane and I failed at that and I’m furious that someone hurt my little baby but at the same token, I’m relieved that Diane isn’t just doing this for money or to hurt me for something.”

“You know 100% Casey was molested?” Malania confirmed with me.

I nodded. “Yeah and that really tears me up inside…” I shook my head.

“Can I ask, did you and Diane have a relationship?”

“You have a secret, right?” I asked Malania point blank. She breathed in deeply, I knew it was something that bothered her so much and tore her up the way Casey’s molestation did with me. She nodded slowly and avoided looking at me. Instead she stared ahead at the shore.

“I have a secret too…” I told her, “and yes, Diane and I had something if I am going to be truthful. There’s a lot to it, but I’m honestly not ready to share it all entirely.”

“Okay…well, when you are, I’m all ears…”

“Thanks for understanding. When I share it with you, I’ll expect that you’ll feel ready to share yours with me.”

She just gave me a smile.

“I know we’ve just hung out a few times, but really, your company is great. I appreciate your friendship so much,” I told her, “this, coming out like this, this is pretty much a dream come true for me, so it means a lot – especially given these circumstances.”

She was silent for a few moments. She’d always been a bit like that, she organised her thoughts well before she spoke too quickly about serious things. I’d noticed it before we began visiting with each other.

“To be completely truthful with you, Michael, I need a friend too. I know how lonely life can get…”

I was surprised by that. “I don’t understand, you’re so loveable. You’re sweet and nice and funny. And you’re beautiful, I’m surprised you don’t have a whole heap of friends.”

She chuckled, seeming embarrassed. “You’re very sweet… I guess with everything that’s happened with me over the years, I find it very hard to connect with anyone below surface. As much as it feels awful to say, I think the fact that I know you are going through something bad makes it easier for me to be honest and open with you – I know that we relate.”

I wasn’t entirely sure how we related. “Do you cut because of the secret in your past?”

Again, she paused before responding and finally nodded. “Yeah… and like you said earlier, sometimes you wish you had of gone through with it. Some days I hate that I wasn’t successful.”

I sighed. “I hear that…” I didn’t want to tell her that she was silly for feeling that way, or that she shouldn’t. I knew from experience that feelings weren’t like a dripping tap that we could all just turn off. They were real and sometimes we just had to go with it.

“Hey, lets make a pact…” she began, extending her hand out from beneath the folds of her blanket, “I pursue any crazy, life-threatening behaviours as long as you also promise not to.”

I didn’t want to make any promises. Never the less, if it was between saving her life over mine, then it would have been worth it. I grabbed her hand and gave it a squeeze.

“Promise.”

“Promise,” she repeated.

Even though I was heartbroken and deeply, deeply wounded by the actions of others, I was not prepared to stop loving and stop caring for others or putting other people’s needs in front of my own.

Malania needed me.

Perhaps she was my second lifeline. Or maybe I was hers.

 

 

 

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