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Chapter 14:

If I needed one pill, I took two, if I needed two pills, I took three. I sent my guys on errands, pharmacy errands so that I could continue sleeping through the days. It was too hard, I hated being awake and alone and left with my thoughts.

It’d been two weeks since the accusation. My lawyer Gregory turned up to Neverland with an associate, Sharon Edgar. They were both nice people and believed in unequivocally in my innocence, but still it was hard for me to hear all the details.

In a way though, I was glad for them. At least I knew that what Diane was doing to me wasn’t because she wanted to hurt me or get back at me, but rather because she truly believed that her daughter was getting hurt. And maybe she was getting hurt, but I certainly wasn’t the one who was to blame.

I could barely keep my eyes open and was groggy and lethargic. I knew it had been from the two sleeping pills I’d taken the night before. I wasn’t really a coffee-drinking kinda guy, and I knew by own slurred speech and sluggish movement that getting up and having a shower wasn’t much going to help me.

And I was ashamed of it, but I didn’t really see it as much of a choice. I grabbed my change of clothes expecting that the lawyer would arrive in a short period of time and made my way in to the large, marble bathroom. I opened the cupboard beneath the sink and got to my knees slowly and carefully. If there’d been a pillow, I probably would have curled up in the bath and had another nap. Instead I rifled right to the back of the cupboard and found a bag of pills. They were hidden beneath a bag of disgusting old toiletries that had probably been there years longer than necessary.

I searched through the bag, squinting to see what was written on each pill. I remembered how the tiny blue pill looked. It was probably out of date by more than a year, but it was really all I had to work with. I had been given them by a stupid psychiatrist back around the time I’d been suicidal and had no desire to work or stay focused on anything for too long at a time. He suggested ‘something’ to help keep me on the ball. It helped, but it was also kind of addictive.

Luckily almost as quickly as I had taken them, I was able to stop because of the new love in my life; the love of Casey and her mother. The sadness wasn’t depression but rather a lack of love and true friendship.

But what now?

I internally knew that if there was a strong possibility of jail time, I’d have just wanted to kill myself and I would have committed myself to the idea one hundred and ten per-cent.

There was quite a little collection of those pills that I’d almost all but forgotten about. I hadn’t intended on ever taking them for their purpose at the time, but I knew from how they’d helped me zoom around with great motivation in the past, that I’d benefit from them in the sleepy, zombie-like state that I was currently in.

I got up and popped two pills on my tongue and turned on the faucet. I let the water gush out for a moment before cupping a handful in to my mouth to wash it down. I left the pills in the top cabinet where I could get to them easily.

I had a quick ten or so minute shower and got dressed and felt the pill beginning to take course.

It was amazing how Adderall made me feel. I remembered how quickly I had become focused the first time I’d ever taken it, almost super human. I wasn’t overly happy, but I was content to be productive which was something given how hard it was to be motivated.

I put all my clothes away and picked up my room a little almost as if the lawyers were going to come and check up on my cleaning skills. I went downstairs and cleaned up the kitchen from the night before when eaten a little bit of ice cream and left the dishes.

Normally the help fixed it all up, but I’d ordered mostly everyone to leave Neverland as immediately as the raid had happened. I didn’t mind doing the chores myself. I quickly and diligently washed my dishes and left them by the sink and then began to wipe down the benchtops which had some crumbs.

I saw the box that Malania had given me. It was on the dining table where I’d left it. I sat down and took another look at it. I started playing with it again, touching a few panels, knocking on them gently to see if they were more hollow than the other sides. The bottom area popped out, ah, I thought, that was at least one move out of the way.

Soon, I realised there was a pattern to the movements, but it was a game of trial and error. I lost time playing with it, but heard the doorbell go and left it there in the midst of opening.

I invited Greg and Sharon in. I picked up the box and moved it to the kitchen counter. I couldn’t sit still, I was very jittery and felt full of beans. I remembered the similar feeling. I got everyone a drink and zipped around the kitchen despite their constant gestures for me to take a seat.

“Michael, please, just sit down… we need to start talking,” Greg urged me. He was very patient with me, and Sharon didn’t really say a lot. Generally, I didn’t say much either but they couldn’t shut me up.

“Sorry, I’ll sit down,” I apologised, becoming very aware of what felt like a manic episode. I knew I needed to just try to calm down or else they might have been suspicious of my mania.

“Did you have much trouble getting in? I hope my guards down in the security shack were being kind today,” I remarked, pouring my guests a glass of water as per their request.

“They were fin-“

“I told them they didn’t need to call me to let me know you were coming in. Sometimes they can be so overbearing, but I realise given the situation, they are just trying to protect me, you know?”

“Yes Michael, we understand. They were no trouble,” Susan pitched in. I noticed her exchanging glances with Gregory.

“Good. They probably get that you guys are here for me, trying to sort this mess out before it escalates any worse than it already is!” I laughed sardonically, “as if that’s possible!”

They both smiled uncomfortably.

“Michael, sit.” Greg said again, this time a bit more firmly. “I know you’re nervous but its okay, just take a seat.”

I took a seat but I wasn’t nervous, I was full of energy and that mania that I had felt was being misplaced for happiness.

“Have you spoken to Diane’s lawyer?”

“Yes…and I’ll get to that but first, Michael tell us about the last time you saw Casey and Diane and what happened during that afternoon.”

“Okay.” I nodded, thinking briefly about it. I tried not to let myself get too caught up in emotions or memories, but it was hard. “They came to visit me on tour,” I told both of them, as I got back up out of my chair, I couldn’t seem to sit still. I paced back and forth, “I was in Hawaii as the last pit stop of the American leg. I wanted some time out and they came to stay for a week and on the last day, Di left Case with Larry and I while we did some tour stuff,” I explained, thinking of the day that was quite clear in my mind as it had only been around a month back.

“Please, go right ahead,” I told Diane with a smile, “you deserve it,” I added as I handed her the voucher. I was balancing the almost five-year-old on my hip.

“Are you sure?” Diane whined, “I feel so bad, I know how busy you are.”

I smiled, “Casey and I have this, don’t we baby heart? We’ll have fun doing jobs with Larry and seeing fans and things! You need to relax, you’re in Hawaii!” I grinned.

“Okay, okay, don’t push me out the door,” she laughed. She leaned forward and kissed Casey on the cheek. “Bye sweet heart, please be a good girl for Michael, okay?”

Casey nodded. She was always good for me. Diane turned to me and pressed her lips against mine, “thank you my big heart.”

I just smiled. Casey and I walked her out to the hotel hallway and waved to her as she disappeared down the corridor to the day spa that I had set up for her.

Larry walked inside and waved at Casey and handed me the run sheet of the day.

She had just finished her round of chemotherapy and was a little unwell, but more tired and grumpy than much else. We were pretty good with making sure that we kept her away from germs or anything that could compromise her health.

“I’m happy to see fans today, but no hugs or kisses, I can’t chance getting any germs and transferring them to Casey,” I told him strictly.

“Okay no problem, Mr Jackson,” Larry replied. I glanced at the sheet. We had to go to the venue and check out the staging and do a quick sound check and then I had a meet and greet. After the meet and greet I had a radio interview. I didn’t do those often but as a result of how happy my life felt, I was more comfortable speaking with others.

**

I looked at my lawyer and shrugged, “I guess I just got on with the day. Everywhere I went Casey came along. We went to sound check, I let her have a bash on Phil’s drums, I taught her how to test a mic, we met some fans…”

“Were you alone with her?” Susan cut in, “or were there people around you all day?”

I thought about it and shrugged, “Hmm, I’m pretty sure there was someone around, probably Larry…he was with us the entire day. Oh, except in the afternoon, Casey had fallen asleep in the car on the way back to the hotel and I carried her up to the room while Larry went to make some phone calls. I think she woke up and cried for Diane so I consoled her back to sleep and we lay on the couch and I watched TV. It wasn’t particularly the diabolical scheme that she’s making it seem.”

I was still pacing.

“What was Casey’s mood like, generally speaking?” Greg asked as they both furiously wrote notes.

“She was okay. Whiny for some parts of the day, but that generally happened when she was done with chemo. It takes a lot out of her. She had a huge tantrum when I had to sign autographs and meet a couple of people,” I shrugged and stopped for a moment, holding on to the back of the wooden chair, “but nothing unusual. When Diane got back we were still on the couch, both of us were asleep.”

I went to the kitchen and focused some energy on the box again while they continued writing their notes. They stopped harassing me to sit down and let me focus on what I was doing, I think they realised I needed to occupy my hands.

“Do you guys want something to eat? I don’t have much in the fridge, just some left over sandwiches, or some food in the cupboards.”

“Michael no, its fine.”

“Okay. Well what else can I help with?”

“Did Diane seem off when she picked up Casey? How was she toward you?”

“She was fine…” I paused wondering if I should be truthful. “She stayed in my suite together, so she didn’t leave my sight until the car took them to the airport later in the evening.”

“What was your relationship like with Diane?” Gregory asked. He turned his chair behind him to where I was standing on the other side of the counter, playing with the box. I focused all of my attention on clicking one part out. It opened up yet another bunch of mystery parts to play with.

“Michael?” he prompted me.

“Diane and I are good friends. Were good friends,” I corrected myself, not looking up from the very thing that was keeping me from losing my temper.

“Did you have a romantic relationship with her?” Greg pressed, putting his pen down.

I clicked another panel out of place and then another. I was kicking goals with this box, it wasn’t nearly as hard as Malania had made it out to be. I wasn’t sure if it were the questions all the Adderall but I could feel my heart beating throughout my entire body and getting especially loud in my ears.

“No, I didn’t,” I lied.

“Are you sure you want that to be your answer Michael?” Sharon butted in, “because we’ve spoken to your mother and she seems to think otherwise and you need to be the most honest you’ve ever been because this woman is going to share everything with the courts and we don’t want to be blind-sighted,” she was polite to me but stern and I found that to be a little rude.

I threw a glare at her. She looked so perfect with her stupid high, blonde bun, her pencil skirt and stupid silky blouse. I felt instant aggression toward her.

“You don’t speak to me with that tone in my home,” I told her bluntly, “That woman was my best friend, that child was my everything and I’m sorry if I’m finding it very hard to share every single detail of my relationship with people that I’ve barely known long enough. As you might understand, trust certainly isn’t my strong point at the minute,” I ranted quickly, “She’s a good mother you know, she wouldn’t be doing this to me for money, Casey was obviously hurt, but I did not do it.”

“Michael, Sharon wasn’t trying to be rude to you, but she is right… if we go to the arraignment without all the correct statements and alibis and versions of events, we might get blind sighted,” Greg told me in a more gentle way. He got it, he understood. He knew how badly the allegations were killing me.

“Diane and I were just friends. My mother is always trying to marry me off. She and I bonded over Casey and we became friends because of things in common and really that was it.”

I knew I shouldn’t have been lying, but at the base of it, I felt for Casey, the real victim.

“Was there anyone else in Casey’s life besides her Mom? What about her father?” Greg asked as I carried on with the box, manipulating more of the panels, feeling a bit of sweat beneath my arms.

“Nope. He was an absent parent, she’d never met him. I don’t think there was anyone else. They stayed here with me when I was home and in the hospital when they weren’t here… Was Casey actually hurt?” I asked, stopping, realising that perhaps there was some truth to the accusation. I looked from Greg to Sharon, my eyes demanded answers.

“It appears so, Michael can you sit?” Sharon asked, her tone was kinder this time. I could see she was trying to take a different approach. I let go of the wooden mystery in my hands that was starting to drive me insane and I went to sit back down at the table.

“Hasn’t she already been through enough?” I asked with a sigh, “what happened?”

“According to the statement we received from the police, Casey complained of pain and what they thought was a urinary tract issue was actually some damage…”

“And what? Casey told Diane it was me?”

“Diane said her behaviour had been off leading up to the complaints. She was crying a lot, had nightmares and she thought it was from her chemo,” Greg explained to me.

“Oh shit,” I mumbled, “the last time I spoke to Diane she mentioned Casey wasn’t feeling well and had an appointment with the doctor for the next morning.”

“Yes,” Greg confirmed, “the doctor examined her and realised something was going on. Hargrove freaked out and demanded questions from the child and she finally said your name.”

“Are you sure she said my name?” I asked, “Casey doesn’t say a lot. Maybe she was getting upset and wanted me, rather than accusing me. I don’t want to be unfair to Diane, but I was definitely the more emotionally stable out of the two of us,” I blurted out.

“Well Michael, we are just going by what the police have supplied us with. Casey has been meeting with an independent psychologist and we will probably have her meet someone from our side too.”

I didn’t really know what to say. I hated to know something else had happened to the child, but I could understand Diane’s motives. I was almost relieved that they weren’t financial and perhaps I was relieved that a part of her would have been mourning for the loss of a friend.

“I want to call her… I want to make sure she’s okay…. God…” I got up from the chair and began pacing again. “That poor child…if I could just see Diane, I could tell her that it wasn’t me, I would tell her that I want to find the person guilty of this just as much as she does…”

“Absolutely not, Michael, do not, under any circumstances, try to contact Diane or Casey.”

“Is she okay? Casey? Healthwise?” I remembered back to the last conversation when things became a little bit strained.

“After this round of chemo,” Diane had explained, “we are going to look in to a kidney donor. New kidneys will reduce the chance of the cancer coming back and hopefully our little girl can start having a normal life.”

I even remembered the stupidest details about that phone conversation. I remembered that it was an ugly hue of green. That I’d been able to pull the phone around the room since it was attached to a ridiculously long extension lead. I had been looking out over the sea of fans below through a curtain that obstructed me from their vision.

“Oh good,” I’d replied, “so that’s a real possibility then?” I asked relieved for the little girl’s health that we were concerned for some time may have been declining for the last time.

“Yes, I was so happy after I got off the phone to the specialist,” she told me. She had seemed particularly bubbly despite having just explained about Casey’s clinginess and her not quite right manner.

“Great, is there anything I can do?” I wondered, “Obviously I’ll be away for another month, but I could help out from here…”

“Actually… there’s something, we could talk about it more when we’re face to face… but, I’ve been thinking about some things recently…” she began and I knew it was going to be a heavy conversation.

“Yeah?” I had a strange feeling that I wasn’t going to like it, but still I wanted to hear her out.

“I’ve been reading up on stem-cell research and all that kind of stuff, you know, that pile of books you sent me.” I smiled, I was glad she was becoming more pro-active about solutions. I didn’t necessarily agree with the morals of stem-cell and designer genetics, but I found it interesting and fascinating to learn about.

“I know that we agreed that it was fate the way things happened with DM.” I felt my heart drop. DM was the stupid name we’d given our lost baby. It was nothing special. We didn’t have the heart to name it, but we didn’t want to always call it a miscarriage, so we just gave it our initials, pushed together to signify something that was truly ours.

“Yeah…?”

“But maybe what God intended was for us to take good use of science to help Casey. You want more children, and I think I’m ready with the real possibility of Casey growing up and wanting another sibling, so… maybe we could look in to having another baby.”

“Okay,” I was floored by the request, but I knew it didn’t come without a condition, after all, there was a reason why it was coming up in the same conversation as designer genetics which was a relatively new thing in the world of science.

Because of my financial position, I knew I had a better chance at being able to access that type of privilege. If we wanted a designer baby, we could have one, but I wasn’t entirely sure I was comfortable with that.

“Diane…” I grimaced, I knew she was suggesting it out of pure desperation.

“Michael, I know what you’re going to say – but look at this, we both want more children and maybe our situation isn’t exactly ideal, but it works for us.” She was definitely right about that, “and while there’s ethical issues for you, don’t you think the most amazing bond between siblings could come out of something like this?”

“Its not like you can take a kidney from a baby from your school-aged daughter,” I pointed out.

“Well it would take the same amount of time to find a donor,” she said bluntly.

“You can’t just make a life to extend a life. And yes, I want another child, but I don’t think you want one for the right reasons.”

I knew as soon as I said it, I’d regret it.

“What more right reason do I need to keep my daughter alive?” she asked me with a voice full of tears. She was highly emotional, but this was the most insane thing I’d ever heard from her.

“Sweetheart,” I crooned softly, pulling away from the window and going to take a seat on the bed. I ran my fingers through my hair and breathed a sigh. I didn’t want to hurt her, she was fragile and at her wits end, but I couldn’t in my good conscience help make a baby to strip for spare parts. “I know this is all scary and hard to deal with, but I promise you I will find the right donor for Casey. You just tell me when she needs it, and I will make it happen. We don’t need to have a child to find a kidney.”

“Michael, please, please, please tell me you’ll at least think about it,” she begged me.

“Okay…” I murmured even though my mind was already made up. “I’ll think about it.”

We ambled through awkward and strained conversation for the rest of the evening as we did most nights after Casey had gone to bed, but never had our conversation been so odd. I relented again and promised her to think about her request. I told her I loved her and I loved Casey and then I hung up.

And that was the last I’d heard from her.

**

After the lawyers left I played with the box a little more. It was turning in to an obsessive game.

I took it to the living room and sat it on the coffee table. I picked up my cordless phone and dialled Malania’s number that I held in my clammy hands. It was just before dinner time, I hoped I wouldn’t interrupt.

“Hello Nakamura house…” a voice answered the phone. It was a lady with a heavy accent who sounded both cheerful and timid.

“Hello, Mrs. Nakamura, its Peter here,” I tried my best to sound casual, like we’d spoken before, “may I please speak to Malania?”

“Oooh Peter,” her mother gushed. I smiled, she sounded very sweet, “how are you? How is your family?”

“I’m great, my family is great too, thank you.”

“Wonderfuuuul,” she drawled in her thick accent, “I think Malania is resting, but let me check for you, poor šećeru, she has had some very busy days and very late nights.”

“Oh yes… poor thing.” I could hear her going up a flight of stairs. “You’ll have to come and visit again, no?” she said, “it will be wonderful to see you.”

I smiled, “sure... I’d like that.”

“Okay one moment.”

I heard her cover her hand over the phone and some muffled voices. I got up out of the couch and began to walk around the living room. I saw some mess from the raid scattered to the corner and began sorting it in to two piles – broken, ruined and the stuff to keep.

“Hello?” Malania answered. She sounded a little too sleepy for 4pm in the afternoon, I was pretty sure she had been awoken from a nap. “Is this Peter?” she asked with an air of smugness in her tone.

I laughed, “Yeah, Pete speaking,” I joked as I got up and made two trips to the rubbish to put some of the things out. I began to reorder the keep pile and start putting the things away.

“Hang on, Peter, let me get some privacy up in here. I’m sure my Mama is standing right outside the door getting ready to marry me off to you.”

I laughed again and waited for a moment. I heard a door close and then she sounded settled. “What are you upto?” she asked.

“Sorting through the mess,” I replied, “how are you today? Did you get home super late?”

“Yeah, pretty late, but actually, I slept some of the way home. Fred woke me up when I got to the door,” she chuckled, “I army rolled in to bed and have slept on and off most of the day.”

“Good, you deserve your rest. I had a visit from my lawyers so I had to get up around noon. But I had a pretty good sleep last night which has been a big change from previous nights.” I rambled.

“Good to hear that Michael, probably what you’ve really needed. How was the visit from the lawyer?”

“Fine, I found out a few things, I don’t really know how to feel or what to think so I guess I’ll just try not to worry about it. I have a bunch of other things I need to do here anyway with the house and what-not.” I explained, “And you know what? I haven’t had much time to spend with the animals here on the ranch so I will probably go check out the giraffe and I bought some Alpacas which arrived around a week ago, I was told… I totally love Alpacas, they have such beautiful eyes.”

“Michael wait, stop…” she interrupted, “take a breath, are you alright?” I could hear the alarm in her voice. She knew immediately something was wrong. I could have cursed myself.

Perhaps I needed a sleeping pill to even myself out. I knew for next time that taking a second pill was probably a bad idea.

“I’m okay I promise, I am just…” I didn’t know what I was. I didn’t know how to end the sentence.

“Are you sure? Do you want me to come there and be with you?” she asked. I knew there was no ulterior motive, but I didn’t want her to come because I suspected she would figure out what had happened a little too quickly.

“I promise I’m okay, I just wanted to tell you that I am about halfway through finishing the puzzle on the box. I’ve been working on it ever since the lawyer left.” I tried to remember to breathe, pause between sentences and allow her to respond. It was almost too much to think about.

“That’s great, are you having fun with it?” she asked me sounding like she had relaxed a little bit.

“Fun? Well, I’m not sure that’s the right word, but it’s a very cool puzzle, I am pretty determined with things like that. I’m just really curious to get to what’s inside.” The pile of mess on the floor was pretty much cleared up so I moved to the next room, an even larger pile. It didn’t seem like such a mountainous task anymore.

She chuckled, “Hey, I was thinking about all that stuff I told you last night, and I’m sorry that I did… I didn’t mean to unload on you like that. It was unfair of me.”

“What, girl, are you kidding?” I laughed, “Please, we’re friends right? You’re supposed to be able to share stuff. I shared stuff too. Its all good, please don’t apologise.”

“Still,” she insisted, “I’m totally fine. It was just an off day for me.”

“Okay. Well, I’m going to call you back when I’m done with this box. Its been such a challenge. I didn’t realise that little bits kinda pop out, its so intricate. Can you imagine how long it took to make it?” the thought kinda blew my mind, “I can’t even begin to imagine the time that it would take…”

“Michael, definitely call me back tonight, okay?” she urged me, “just so I know you’re okay.”

“Alright,” I agreed. I was anxious to hang up now, changing my mind about speaking to her when I was so wired.

I agreed to call her back at 10pm and she was going to let her parents know she was waiting on Peter to call back so they wouldn’t answer. I felt a little deceitful, but I didn’t mind so much. I knew she had her reasons and I certainly didn’t need anyone knowing where I was.

I abandoned my pile of rubbish and went back to the box. I sat, paying complete attention to the box. It took another hour for me to crack it open. I felt such relief. I opened the last tiny little panel and was surprised to find a carefully folded letter inside.

For the first time since I’d taken the pills, I managed to stay completely still, transfixed by her short, precise and honest note. It made my heart grow such huge appreciation for her, but it also made me aware that she knew my secret and that, well… that made me petrified.

And I wasn’t sure if I should ever call her again.

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