“Come on, Janet… don’t you think that song is a little bit … I don’t know…” I paused to think of a word… “Well, grown up… for you?”

My little sister rolled her eyes at me and turned to Jade, “I told you, didn’t I?” She said to Jade as if she had predicted my reaction, “He’d get all Dad-like about it…”

Jade gave a little chuckle. “Aw, well I think the song is great, and it’s good that you’re singing about waiting, rather than actually making silly mistakes too young.” Her input, I felt was very fair to both of us. I knew she didn’t want to offend either of us by taking sides, but I really wanted her to agree with me.

“Kids shouldn’t be singing about sex, period.” I said firmly. “Can’t you … I don’t know, write a song about hanging out with your girlfriends, you’re too young to know about love.”

I guess that I hadn’t used the right choice of words because Jade widened her eyes at me in shock, and Janet narrowed hers in defiance. I scratched the back of my neck feeling a soft draft of air float threw the room.

“Firstly, incase you haven’t noticed, I don’t have any girlfriends. And secondly, how are you gonna tell me what I do and don’t know about?” Her neatly tied back, braided hair showed me her full, adorable cherub face with those cheeks that I remembered pinching and kissing when she was younger. She looked so young and innocent that I guessed it was hard for me to accept that she wasn’t a little girl anymore.

“I’m sorry…” I sighed. I looked to Jade for help, but it was clear she was staying right out of this one. “I’m just concerned about you and who you’re working with.” I know Dad didn’t give Janet as much of a watchful eye as he did with our careers, which annoyed me. He legally had nothing to do with us, but to my sister he was still the one who could make or break any deals. “I’m not trying to be all pissing on your parade.”

“I’m not the one singing about the touchin’ someone all over, all over, all over…” Janet teased me, finally giggling.

Ah yes, the Lady In My Life… My adlibbing always came back to bite me in the ass. It had never meant to sound perverse… but apparently that’s how most people had taken it. Jade giggled too.

I shook my head with a smile at my sister’s gutter mind. “I’m also an adult. I can sing whatever the hell I want to sing about. But let me tell you, I won’t be releasing a song remotely hinting at sex any time soon.” I ran my fingers through my hair. This conversation was getting impossible.

“Well, D.J Quip  thinks it’ll be a hit.” She replied, ignoring everything I had just said.

“I’m sorry,” I almost laughed, “well if D.J Quip said so, then by all means, he must be right.” Who the fuck was D.J Quip?

“Shut up, you don’t know him, he cares about me. You’re not the boss of what I do anyway, so maybe you should just mind your own business.” Something didn’t sit well with the way that that came across. He cared about her? There was more to it, I could tell by the defensiveness of her tone.

“Uh, I’m going to get a drink, don’t kill each other.” Jade felt uncomfortable, I could tell. She got up to leave us to it.

“I don’t want to argue with you, Jan… it’s your music, but you wanted to know what I thought.” I told her honestly before deciding to ask any further questions about this DJ person. “I’m only ever going to tell you the truth. It’s just something I wouldn’t do, but you do what’s right for you.”

She stared me down for a few moments with a certain look of defiance that I wasn’t ever really used to from my sister. I suppose that was probably the smudged line where she became more adult and less child-like. I didn’t let her get away with it, though. She looked away first. I had a pretty hard stare, I never ever let anyone outstare me when I was in the right, it was one of the only things that I had going for me that taught someone not to shit with me.

“Anyway, maybe we should watch a movie…” I piped up, lifting myself up from the couch. “Do you want some cake and ice cream?” I asked brightly. “Jade’s Mom makes the best cake.”

“Sure whatever.” Janet replied flatly. I knew I’d upset her. I sighed, “Okay, I’ll be back in a few minutes.” I left to go to the kitchen to see what Jade was doing.

**

I came to bed feeling an insane amount of guilt. Michael had shared with me earlier that he suspected that the man Janet kept talking about all through the night was in fact, her boyfriend, or a man that she was seeing.

I knew he wanted to rant and rave, but I had successfully managed to calm him down. I didn’t however, have the courage to share with him that Janet had showed me a picture of DJ Quip while he was in the shower and referred to him as her boyfriend, D.J.

I had hidden my shock well, since this man looked easily in his thirties. I knew I wanted to share my concerns with him later, but I wasn’t sure if I should say anything.

I had smiled and started to ask questions when Michael had emerged from the bathroom, and she had stopped speaking immediately. She motioned for me to button my lips so as not to say a word to him. How could I not?

I watched my husband-to-be climb in to bed. I decided that I’d use my time in the morning to investigate the whole DJ Quip thing further before worrying Michael. It could have just been a crush for all we knew. There were other things that needed to be discussed.

I went to the bathroom to change in to my pajamas and then slid in to bed beside him. “Do you think Janet knows I’m not trying to spoil her fun?” He asked.

I nodded. “I think she might have felt a bit attacked, but…I think when she goes away and has a think about it, she’ll realize you’re just coming from a place of concern.” I told him honestly.

“I guess…” His voice trailed off thoughtfully. He stared vacantly for a few moments thinking about it before turning his full attention to me.

Sometimes I liked to just pull the covers back and not put them over me unless I was really cold, but Michael, on the other hand, would sleep snuggled under an ocean of blankets regardless of the temperature.

“The air is cold…” He complained, throwing the covers over me. I smirked as I made myself comfortable. I didn’t argue with him.

He settled down beside me after fluffing his own pillow a few times. He was such an old fusspot that it made me laugh. I knew that he had an overactive mind so it was hard for him to fall asleep, so everything had to be just perfect when he was getting ready to, but sometimes it seemed so anal.

“What did your Dad talk about out there for all that time?” I wondered, placing my hands together under my cheek in a prayer-like position. I was heavily curious as to what on earth they could have been discussing.

“Everything…” He sort of shrugged as if he were trying to play it off like it was no big deal. I knew that it was though. He’d been quiet all night since he’d talked to his Dad, save for the argument he was having with his sister.

I waited for him to elaborate, my eyes searching his in anticipation. I watched his large eyes fill with tears which he tried also, to play off. It was too obvious though. He sniffed and licked his lips and gave me an embarrassed smile. “I’m sorry.”

“Why?” I knew he liked to be the rock, the foundation of our very relationship, but he didn’t understand that he was also allowed to cry if need be, and tell me he needed my support if it was needed. I didn’t expect him to carry both of our burdens on his own. It was a silly concept. “Don’t be sorry baby…” I said gently, reaching a hand over to touch his face.

“I just… waited all my life to hear him say ‘I love you’… and to be proud of me…” He stopped mid-sentence to wipe his eye. “I know that sounds so ridiculous but… my whole life… waiting for that moment… and then he said it… and I still feel so…” He searched for the right word to convey his feelings, “empty.”

“Maybe…” I let my voice trail off, as I looked in to his eyes, “maybe it’s just because you’re still finding it hard to believe, it’s hard for you to process that he has really changed and you’re waiting for him to revert back to the way he was before…”

He lowered his eyes and licked a tear that had fallen onto his upper lip. “I’m sure he meant it… I just … thought it would make everything better to hear that he loved me…”

“He needs to make things better not only by the words, baby, but actions too…”

Michael embraced me close. “I know… I’m sorry…”

“Don’t be sorry.” I repeated. “You might feel different about this tomorrow, honey, you’re just really over-emotional right now. We’ve had a long and intense night…”

He nodded in agreement. “Let’s try to get some sleep…” He kissed me gently and rubbed my forearm with his large warm hands.

I reached up to turn the light out and rested my hand upon his cheek. “When I tell you I love you…” I whispered, “You don’t feel empty, do you?”

He shook his head in silence. “No.” I gave him my best weak smile in the dark.

***

“Mama?” Isabella offered her Grover plushie to me, while asking a completely different question. She toddled her way over to me, giving me an unsure expression. I gave her a big smile and an encouraging look.

“Mommy will be back really soon.” I promised. I loved this kid. She was possibly the most adorable, happy child that I’d ever come across. She wore a pink t-shirt and a pair of blue over-alls. She was almost two years old and as cute as ever. I picked her up and lead her upstairs to say hello to Michael.

Kendra and David had come over early to go over some wedding plans, but shortly after they arrived, David had been called in to work. Kendra had left Isabella in my capable hands to go and drop her husband off.

Michael had been at the studio until 7am that morning. Sometimes it seemed he was unstoppable when it came to recording and writing. I’d tried fervently to convince him through my phone calls that he needed rest, but he insisted he was fine and just needed to work until he had no more left in him. I worried when he got like that. When he’d climbed in to bed that morning he apologized for being gone all night and told me to wake him anytime I wanted.

I didn’t mind his hours, and I didn’t mind that he was busy with work. Sometimes though, I couldn’t help but to feel a little insecure about it. I felt like there was a certain level of avoidance in it. Perhaps it had nothing to do with me, but more to do with his father and things that had taken place since my grandmother had arrived. We hadn’t had an in-depth chat since the week before because he’d filled his schedule with knuckled-down recording work.

There was just three and a half weeks ‘til our wedding and I hoped that time would speed up.

I knew that if I didn’t wake up Michael to say hello to his God Daughter he’d be extremely upset, as he hadn’t seen her in over a month. I pressed my fingers to my lips to show Isabella to be quiet. She made a sss sound and pressed her finger to her lips as well. I grinned at her as I opened the bedroom door and snuck in. I leaned over Michael. He was just a big lump under a blanket. I could just see a peek of his forehead.

“Michael…” I gently touched his arm. “Baby…” I peeled the covers back from his face and saw him stir. He was a pretty deep sleeper. He frowned and attempted to pull them back over him. I smiled to myself and set Isabella down on the mattress.

“Wake!” She shouted, pushing him, and nearly tripping over. I laughed. “Michael…” I called a little more softly.

Slowly his eyes opened and attempted to adjust to the darkened room. “Isa…” He murmured with a smile. “Hello gorgeous.” Michael glanced at me. I could tell by the bags beneath his eyes that he was still very tired. He opened up his arms and swept up his God daughter. She giggled happily as he smothered her in kisses all over her face until she squealed for him to stop.

I laughed with him as he let go of her and turned his attention to me. “What’s the time?” He asked. I could hear the fatigue within his rough voice.

“It’s just after midday.” I replied. “Kendra and David have been around this morning—Dave got called back to work, so she’s gone to drop him off.”

He didn’t really respond, instead he gave Isabella another huge hug. “Uncle Mikey missed you soooooo much.” He told her with a smile.

“I’m sorry for waking you, but I thought you might want to see her.” I apologized.

“Thanks.” He smiled, reaching for my hand and kissing it. For some reason I felt a bit tense and couldn’t quite place it. I put it down to his lethargy.

“Want me to get you anything?” I asked, “Some breakfast or a cup of coffee or something?”

He pulled the covers off him completely and swung his legs around to get up. “A cup of coffee would be great.” He said gratefully. He picked up his God daughter and passed her back to me. “You go with Auntie Jade, and I’ll come and play in a few minutes, okay?” He kissed her smooth brown forehead as I took her from him.

“I’m just going to have a real quick shower.” He informed me as he planted a kiss on my forehead too.

**

I spent the afternoon showing Kendra what the plans were for the day. She seemed just as excited as I was. We ooh-ed and ahh-ed over the photographs of my dress that Gaby was keeping at her home to ensure that Michael wouldn’t see it.

The bridesmaid’s dresses were a soft pink that would look gorgeous against my own. We talked about how we would have our hair… I’d decided that I’d really wanted to have my hair down. I knew how much Michael loved my hair long, and so I wanted to keep it natural. Kendra, Janet and Gaby’s hair was going to be pulled half back with flowers woven in to it.

Michael floated in and out of the room now and then in a daze. I was surprised that he wasn’t really too interested in entertaining his god daughter.

“Why don’t you go back to bed?” I asked him gently as he sank in to the couch beside me and rested his head against my shoulder.

“Yeah, you look so tired. Have you both been up all night?” Kendra winked at us.

I hated those kind of remarks. I knew Michael did too. “No, he was up all night at the studio and didn’t get home until early this morning.” I replied, smoothing his cheek with the back of my hand. “Go on… go back to bed…”

“We have company…” He mumbled with his eyes closed.

Kendra laughed, “Go to bed, fool.”

I felt Michael kiss my cheek and finally agree. He made his way back upstairs sluggishly to our room.

“I’d hate it if David ever considered working those hours…” Kendra remarked as we both watched after him. “How do you manage?”

“He’s only worked those kinds of hours a couple of times while I’ve been here… I don’t mind too much.” I shrugged with honesty. I glanced at Michael’s friend with her long black curly hair. She was someone that I now was able to call my friend. She was great company. “I just hate it when he’s so tired. It makes me worry.”

“It must slow down things in the bedroom a whole lot.”

I wanted to roll my eyes. “Not really…” I replied bluntly. “We aren’t doing all that much in there at this point in time.”

Kendra raised her eyebrow, “Don’t tell me you’re already at the ‘too comfortable’ phase already, girl…”

“No.” I laughed, “No… Michael and I… we’re waiting…”

“For what?...”

“Until we get married…” I spoke slowly, letting my words sink in. I knew such a concept must have been so foreign to some.

“How?” She asked confused, “Don’t you… you know… find it hard?”

I laughed and shrugged. “I think Michael probably has more of a problem with that than I do.”

“You’re both crazy.” She laughed, “but that’s kinda sweet.”

Kinda sweet? I hated it when people got all judgmental and acted as though Michael and I were of such little experience. I just forced a smile and didn’t answer.

**

I called my parents for a little while and spoke with my Grandmother as well. I had promised to take her to show her my wedding dress as soon as I could. My Grandmother was so sweet. I hadn’t seen her in a week and I was going to try to arrange to have her spend a few days with Michael and I when his work schedule died down a little.

I watched TV for awhile before I decided that maybe I should make something light for our dinner. Michael was still in bed and it was almost 7 in the evening. I wondered if I should wake him up.

**

I didn’t know what a hang over felt like, but if I ever experienced one, this is what I had assumed it would be like. I regretted spending all night in the studio and all day in bed. I knew I’d be awake all night long now since my sleep patterns were pretty screwed up.

I found Jade in the kitchen, cooking. It smelled good. As I got closer I noticed she was making a chicken stir fry. I felt very hungry. I loved that she would cook even if she wasn’t sure if I wanted to eat. She was so thoughtful and wonderful, I thought as I snuck up behind her.

She stirred the hissing pan as I grabbed her by the shoulders. “RAAAAAHHHHHH!”

She jumped a mile, “SHIT!” she squealed, turning around to face me. “Michael!” She exclaimed, grabbing her chest. “Far out…”

I giggled cheekily. “Good morning.” I joked.

“Good morning yourself. Gosh…” She sighed exhaling, “You scared the shit out of me. Are you trying to send me in to cardiac arrest again?”

I knew that she didn’t mean it but her joke stung. “That’s not funny.” I retorted, frowning.

She tilted her head and smiled. “Michael, come on, I was just kidding.” She touched my shoulder, obviously realizing that she’d put her foot in it. She changed the subject quickly, “So are you hungry?”

“Yeah…” I replied with a nod. “Sorry I was so grumpy this morning…” I apologized. She gave me a funny look and shook her head.

“You weren’t grumpy, sweetheart, you were just tired.” She answered. I went to remove two bowls from the cupboard so that she could serve.

“I’m sorry that I missed David, and only saw Kendra and Isa for a little bit. I just wanted to sleep… I could barely stay awake.”

“I know…” Jade smiled. “But they understood.”

We went and sat down on the couch and ate our dinner together. We talked about what she had planned for the next few days. She had a lot to organize. Lucky for me, I wasn’t really needed for most of that planning. It sounded like a headache, actually, but I knew that it was all something she was enjoying.

She’d already showered and was wearing her pajamas and looking fresh, whereas I, on the other hand must have looked a right mess but I just didn’t care.

“Thanks for cooking…” I knew she didn’t mind but it would have been nice for her to know how much I appreciated it.

I wasn’t sure what was going on, but apart from answering my questions she wasn’t really telling me a lot. I figured that maybe she’d been a little upset with me for staying out all night and for spending the day sleeping, but I was sure that if it were the case she’d have told me.

“Is everything alright?” I asked, setting my bowl inside of her empty one on the coffee table. We were seated on separate couches. She glanced to me and shrugged.

“Something Kendra said today…” She murmured. She shrugged again, “but it’s probably just me being silly.” I watched her flick her dark hair from her face with concern.

“Try me…” I replied, a little concerned.

“Well… for instance… why are you sitting all the way over there?” She asked. I looked around a little confused. It wasn’t something I’d consciously done, I’d sat down, she sat down… It wasn’t like I meant to take a seat that was more than a meter away from her.

“Just cos …it’s a seat?”

“Do you think we’re maybe a little too comfortable with one another?” She pressed, as if disregarding my answer. “I mean, I love you, you love me… but we hardly kiss anymore, we don’t go out, we just sit in and watch TV when you’re here or lay about in bed... and even then, we don’t really have any problems not doing anything…”

“Speak for yourself…” I muttered.

I didn’t really know what to say. It had seemed as though we really had fallen in to some kind of pattern. “Are you bored with our relationship?” I asked her directly. I wasn’t really sure what she wanted from me. I was trying to honor her morals and wants and needs, but that wasn’t enough.

“No…” She sighed, “I don’t know… even with things like… you’ve seen me… a few times now… and I feel like maybe there’s no surprise with one another anymore…”

“Jade…” I furrowed my eyebrow, “I don’t know where this is headed… I’m not bored of you, and the only time I’ve ever really seen you was when you were sick and I was helping you, and trust me, my mind certainly wasn’t in the gutter during those moments – in fact, I was probably so friggin’ concerned that I wasn’t even paying attention to the fact that you may have been half naked.” I replied with a little bit of irate. “Just because Kendra came in and made a comment about how boring things must be because we’re not sleeping together, doesn’t mean there’s anything in it.” I knew I’d risen my voice a little but, damn… I loved her and nothing about her bored me, and I hated that she thought it could.

“Calm down, Michael. I wasn’t even saying that.” She shot back. “It isn’t even an issue,  it was just something that I was thinking about. Why are you spazzing out? You asked me if there was something, and I’m just trying to explain it… if this is how you’re going to react then why bother?”

Immediately I was sorry. “Look. I’m sorry.” I sighed. “I’m still tired and grumpy and it’s not your fault. I’m not bored, and I hope you’re not bored with me. Yes, we could be a little more active, but you still get tired out easily, and I’m tired from working so much lately – and then there’s the whole security bullshit…” I got up and moved over toward her. “I haven’t been as physical with you because… you think it’s not hard for me to resist you, but … it’s a fight…” I told her honestly. “It’s really hard, Jade, but I want to wait, and I want everything to be perfect.”

“Maybe we’ve placed way too much importance on it all…” She murmured softly.

“That’s not what I’m saying…” I explained, “It’s just that sometimes I’m just so in love with you that I don’t know what else I can do to show you…” I searched her, sweeping my eyes over her hair, her eyes, her face, her body… “So don’t think that I’ve lost interest in you, or feel too comfortable around you.”

“Okay.” Jade answered, getting up and grabbing the plates. I rolled my eyes and sank back in to the couch. I knew now she was just pissed off.

I pondered it for a few minutes. Maybe I had become a bit dull. I thought about the beginning of our relationship, where I had taken her to dinner, to movies, I had always bought her gifts and found interesting stuff for us to do to together but now it was a bit … blah.

I sighed. I guess she had a point.

It’s not that I took her for granted at all. That was one thing that I knew I would never ever do. Maybe we’d both just settled really well together. I guessed that there was plenty of time in the future to be that comfortable.

It was hard to be spontaneous when we were now living together.