I just needed to be alone for a bit. I guess the night had gone so well and I just needed a few moments to re-gather my thoughts. I went out and sat upon the balcony on a deck chair in the dark. I tried to retrace back to when my Dad had suddenly began acting like a father. I knew that I was so overwhelmed by it all. I didn’t want to make it seem like a big deal, but it really was.

I wondered if he was making an effort with the rest of my brothers as well. Out of all of my brother’s I was the one who got the least flack. As kids, Joseph was hardest on Marlon. Marlon got the most whippings, Marlon grew up like me, craving his acceptance and desired him to just act like a father rather than a business dealer.

I didn’t let myself suffer in guilt long enough to let it ruin the happiness I felt over my father’s change. In fact, it was a big deal, so huge that I needed to let it overflow. I couldn’t let him know just how much it meant. I was still so guarded with him, things I knew could never be perfect, but I certainly wasn’t going to complain.

I felt like I wanted to cry – with that relieving feeling… I couldn’t though. I didn’t really want anyone to know how much it affected me. I heard footsteps so I drew in a deep breath ready to set foot back inside and calm down until everyone left.

I wasn’t sure how, but if I was in a room over a hundred people and Jade was hovering behind me from nowhere, I would have known it was her. There was something about her presence that I was always able to familiarize myself with. I could sense her. She didn’t wear overpowering perfume or change the atmosphere of any occasion with her entrance, but maybe it was like a sixth sense.

I knew it was her before she’d placed her gentle hands upon my shoulders. She slid them around to the front of me. “Hey… what are you doing out here, are you okay?” She wanted to know.

“Sure.” I smiled, turning my head slightly to meet with her lips briefly. “I just wanted to get my head together for a few minutes.” I replied honestly. “I’ll come back in now…”

“It’s okay.” Her hand patted my right shoulder blade. I drew her from behind me and gestured for her to sit down upon my knees as I looked out silently to the ocean. I felt her weight upon my thighs. I encircled my arms around her waist and leaned against her. She cuddled me back.

There didn’t need to be any conversation. We both knew it.

I love you.

I love you too.

I’m so happy.

So am I.

I raked my fingers through her hair, resting my free hand around the small of her back. It was an embrace I wouldn’t have minded staying in forever. We fit together so well. There was not one little piece of me that didn’t feel like it wasn’t right.

In fact it was just so fucking perfect.

“Baby…” She whispered, “I’m going to go inside before they think we’ve escaped.”

“Okay.” I agreed. “I’ll be in, in a few minutes.” I added. I reluctantly let go of her hand as she parted back inside from the balcony, turning just briefly to me to give me a reassuring look. I watched her disappear and breathed a huge sigh of resignation.

**

Joseph approached me when I emerged back in to the living room.

I guess they’d noticed that Michael and I had disappeared for a few moments. I had been a little bit worried about him, since tonight had been so confronting with his father around to hear him share his heart. I knew it couldn’t have been easy, especially given the history.

“Do you know where Michael is?” He wondered. I hesitated to tell him but it came out before I had the chance to think of up an alternate excuse.

“He’s out on the balcony. He’ll be back in, in a few minutes.”

“I wanted to have a word with him, do you think it would be okay if I went out there?” Joseph seemed subdued, and probably the friendliest he’d ever been to me. It was strange to see his softer side. His whole demeanor was different. His voice was warmer and his eyes seemed gentle. He seemed almost sheepish.

“Sure.” I replied. There was no way I was about to say no. In fact, I wanted to encourage more communication between Michael and his father. “Just go on out…”

Joseph gave me what I was convinced was a smile and left me to go find his son. I on the other hand, went back to finish entertaining our guests.

**

I was about to get up and go inside when I saw my father standing in the door way. I was surprised to find him there. “What are you doing out here in the cold, son?”

Son… Gosh, it was so long since he referred to me like that and asking a question that even breathed slight concern.

I gave a coy shrug. “Just getting some air.” It was a weak answer, but an honest one. Dad jammed his hands in to his pockets before joining me on the balcony.

He looked out to the ocean which we could sometimes hear. It was a soothing sound, when there weren’t any paps lurking, I always found it relaxing to come out and just sit in silence. It helped to free my mind.

“This is a really nice place… you got a great buy.” This to him, was a compliment. I felt slightly guilty as I gave a nod. When I had decided it was time to fly the coop, Joseph had insisted that he find the right place for me, that he do all the financial deals since of course, his knowledge was superior to anyone else’s.

I had other plans. I’d already found the ideal place I wanted to live. I already knew what location I wanted, what I wanted my own place to look like. I was really set on finding a place that I could renovate to my own perfection. I put a deposit down and started renovating before I had even informed anyone.

He found out through the news. I hadn’t been sorry, but I was scared that he was gonna kick my ass for undermining his authority, despite the fact that I was 25 fucking years old. I stayed out of his way for awhile, hence why I found myself at the Beverly Hills Hotel. Come to think of it, apart from his vitriolic glares whenever I saw him and the gossip from my brothers, we never actually spoke about the incident.

“I’m sorry I didn’t just tell you about it myself.” I knew the apology was redundant, but suddenly I felt really remorseful.

My father gave a short chuckle as if he couldn’t believe I’d even thought about it. He sank down in a hard plastic chair that was positioned across from me. I knew what was about to come, was probably something I wasn’t sure I was ready for. It was now or never, though. I wanted more than anything to mend our relationship, to really know my father, and I knew that he only had the capacity to meet me a certain way, I had to make an effort too.

Joseph eyed me for a moment before giving a sigh of resignation. “I know I’ve made a lot of mistakes…” His voice trailed off. I hung my head, avoiding his eyes and just listened to him speak words from his heart. It was the first time ever, as an adult that he was speaking so candidly and openly to me.

It was as if he actually loved me. That was a concept that I was too guarded to let myself buy in to.

“I’ve said a lot of things to you boys that I should never have said… done things as a father that I’m not proud of… but it has only ever been because it’s what I thought was best.”

“I know you did…” I murmured. I didn’t want to cry, despite how badly the tears were burning in my eyes. Joseph had always branded me as a sissy boy since I was the most sensitive. As a child I cried at the drop of the hat. As an adult, there were known to be moments that touched my heart, or insults and slurs that left me feeling stung to tears. It was nothing for Joseph to tell me it made me less of a man. It was nothing for my brothers to follow his taunts for it.

“You and I, Michael, we’re the least alike.” He confessed, “And at least with the rest of the boys I can find common ground – but you take after your mother…”

I knew what he meant by getting along with my brothers better. They sometimes drank together, they visited each other, they talked crass about women – and sometimes I was jealous that they even had that between them, because it was something.

“That’s why you’ve always been the star of the show. You’re different and unique…” He paused trying to find the right choice of words. “Special…” He finished.

I snorted, and with it, out slipped a few tears. “I’m not anymore special than anyone else.”

“Yes you are.” My father insisted. I couldn’t even look up. I rested my arms on my knees and sighed quietly. I could tell that this was so hard for him, but it was also really hard for me to listen to as well. 

His voice seemed a little more relaxed, but it didn’t stop me from feeling so overwhelmed. “I guess with you Michael, I never quite knew how to treat you. I thought for so many years that if I treated you the same as I treated the other boys you’d…”

“Turn out more like them?” I supplied a little more bitterly than I intended.

There was some silence that told me I was right. “But I’ve accepted that you’re not like them, and I can’t continue to treat you as though you are.” He paused again, “You were always more work for me, son.” He admitted honestly, “I didn’t know how to bond with you the way I bonded with the others… you’re such a gentle soul Michael.”

“Don’t you mean sissy?” I mocked. I felt a little hurt by his words.

“No.” He shook his head. “You’re who you are, and where you are in your career because people have already seen that in you, possibly before I recognized that within you.” I could hear the regret in his tone and I felt strangely satisfied to know that he was sorry. I wanted him to be. “Your fans, your admirers love you because they know you have that warmth in your soul, you’re humble and grateful for your life.” 

“Well Joseph,” I replied, finally being able to left my head. “all I ever wanted in my life, every single day is to make you proud of you. For you to accept me as I am, the way mother does. I never expected you to understand me since we’re both so many worlds apart, but I wanted you to try. Even right back in there while I was proposing to Jade, all I could think about was whether or not you’d approve.” I stopped to let it sink in. I knew that it may have been quite a surprise to him that I cared so much, rather than just harboring a profuse fear for him. “I crave acceptance from you every single day of my life, and I don’t know why it matters so much because you never made the effort to try to have a relationship with me, the way you do with the rest—and instead, you tried to encourage me to do things that you knew I didn’t want to do.”

I knew he’d know what I was getting at. The strip clubs they’d try to lure me into on tour, the prostitutes, the groupies, the alcohol, the stupid shit that I never wanted a part of.

It was Dad’s turn to hang his head. I knew he was ashamed.

“Michael, this is me trying to make the effort with you… You’re my son and I recognize my mistakes and I love you and I want you and I to have a real relationship and I don’t want you to feel like you have to prove yourself to me.”

He took a long pause, “You did that years ago.”

I didn’t know whether or not to laugh or cry. I didn’t know if I wanted to hug him or resent him. “I feel like… even right this second, that I have to guard my emotions with you – because if I don’t you’ll think I’m less of a man.” I blurted out. I wanted to cry some tears of release, of joy of hurt – but I resisted.

“You have always went ahead with a strong mind and did everything you promised you would, son.” He told me firmly. “You’ve been a good, righteous person. You’ve never used and abused drugs or alcohol, you’ve treated every woman you’ve ever been near like they’re worth everything. You stood by your girl through every little thing she has been through and didn’t crumble just once under all that pressure.”

I wondered why he was telling me things I already knew.

“And those are a few of the reasons why you’re more of a man than I’ve been to my family.”

I was shocked to hear him admit that to me. I felt like he was being unnecessarily harsh upon himself, but I was more than flattered, and perhaps a little satisfied to hear such a heartfelt admission. “You embraced and encouraged us and gave us the power to do what we do now and I know you did everything that you did because you believed it was the best, and above all else, Dad, I don’t ever take any of those things for granted. I’d just wished we’d had more of a chance to be regular kids.”

“I wish that too, Michael. But I know that you won’t ever let my history repeat.”

I didn’t say anything, but I was agreeing in silence. There was no way I would ever make the mistakes he did. “I appreciate you talking to me like this.” I told him. “I know it’s hard for both of us, but thank you for taking the first step.”

My Dad’s eyes met mine, and almost upon an instinct, I was going to look away, but I didn’t. He gave me a smile. “You’re my son…” He said with a bit of a shrug, “And I love you.”

I felt speechless. I knew I had to respond, and quickly before the moment passed. I knew those three words had been the hardest for him to slip out, but he’d did it and I was so honored. Those three words from my father were ones that I had been waiting to hear since childhood, and they weren’t just empty words – but true ones, from his heart.

“I love you too, Dad.” I murmured. Even though it was mostly dark, the balcony was dimly glowing from the light that peered out from inside. I could see that my father had tears in his eyes. I knew it would be okay for me to go and embrace him, and actually, despite his hard-lined exterior, he probably wanted that as much as I did.

So I took the second step toward mending our relationship. It was the least I could do after he’d just bared his heart to me so freely.

**

“I’m just going upstairs to have a shower.” I informed my sister and Jade as soon as everyone had left. I really wanted some private time. I would have liked to have talked to Jade alone for a little while, but I didn’t want to make Jan feel uncomfortable, so I decided to just wait til bedtime.

My sister gave me a long, hard look. I guess she knew that something had happened between Joseph and I, since we’d been outside for quite awhile talking, and I knew that she wanted to ask – but Janet was a lot like me, she’d never press an issue and knew that if I had any interest in talking about it, I would.

“Okay Mike.” She agreed.

Jade’s face showed nothing but concern. When Dad and I joined everyone again, we were a lot more subdued and obviously both of our minds were elsewhere, swimming with thought from everything we’d shared and discussed. I gave a smile just to let her know I was okay before heading upstairs.

**

“Do you think he’s okay?” Janet wondered. I looked at her quizzical expression and I gave an honest shrug. I knew that he probably didn’t feel upset, just … strange. “I’m not sure.” I answered. “Maybe I should go and check.”

“Yeah go.” Janet urged me. I didn’t want to leave her alone, but I also didn’t want to leave Michael if he needed to talk.

“I’ll be right back.” I promised her.

**

Michael was in the bathroom shirtless, beginning to unbuckle his belt when I knocked and let myself in. He turned around to face me with a smile. His eyes were broody and dark. He seemed exhausted, but I knew it was only emotionally.

“Are you alright?” I asked him, reaching sliding an arm around his thin waist.

“Yeah, I’ll be fine.” He answered warmly, reciprocating my affection. “We can talk about it later. I just need to have a shower and clear my head a bit. Everything that happened between Joe and I was really … heavy… I guess.”

“Good or bad?” I wanted to know. I assumed it went well judging from the embrace they shared when his Mom and Dad left, but I could never really be sure.

“Good, mostly—I think at least…but I guess we’ll see.” He gave a shrug. I held him close against me. Michael craved affection, constantly. He wanted always to be hugged or to hug me, or to be touching me or to have me touching him. He longed to always be close to me which I had always believed would be way too smothering for me to handle, but I understood why he felt like that. His whole life had been the opposite. In fact, when I gave Michael my heart, I had freed myself of any reservations I had in terms of letting myself grow close to someone physically. In doing that, I had discovered that I too, craved just as much affection and closeness.

In that sense, our relationship was very physical. I knew a hug meant as much as a kiss, or a stroke of my cheek with his gentle forefingers was as sensual as him moving lower. I was happy that we’d based our relationship upon that before anything more.

I knew my fiancé emotionally, in and out. I knew by a single look what he was feeling, what his eyes were telling me and what his touch was asking.

In his arms I knew that he didn’t want to let me go. He wanted me to stay with him up here so that we could talk, or even just sit together in silence, but he reluctantly loosened his embrace so that I could go back down and continue entertaining our guest.

“I’ll tell you more about it later.” He promised. I leaned in to kiss his pink smooth lips. Sometimes I just wanted to grab him and engulf him in a deep and intense passionate kiss, but the timing just wasn’t ever right.

He ran his hand over my hair as he broke away from me completely. “Seriously, sweetheart, I’m okay…” He added when he sensed my own hesitance to leave him. “Just go down and enjoy the rest of your night. God knows there’s plenty of that awesome cake your Mom made for us to get through.”

I smiled. That was more like Michael, my very own human compost. I hadn’t yet had a piece of the cake, but I was dying to. Cake and ice cream, who could go wrong? Shit, Michael and I really needed to start going to gym or something, I thought with a smile. Our asses were steadfastly growing.

“Okay.” I agreed, leaving him to have a shower. “I love you.”

“Love you too, beautiful.” He replied, kissing me on the cheek.