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June 3rd, 1986 - 12:05 am

I start my venture out on my own from Ayana's home & start walking to my right of the sidewalk. As I walk, random men chant out at me for a night with them but I ignore them. Of course I rather be sleeping in a bed of someone's home then a shelter, but I do not want to have sex with them to get that privilege. I would do so much for a room, but there's that point & time where I have to say no. Unless I am out here for months & I just get too desperate. Then, I don't know what I'd do. But let's hope I don't get to that stage.

An hour passed & I am still walking, the streets got a little more quieter, as if everyone went to bed. I hear music, something sounding like Marvin Gaye's 'Sexual Healing' as I walk I hear it even more. Then I walk up to this pretty fancy looking place, where I see men taking females out probably for a dinner. What is this like a hotel? It's sparked my interest, I start to walk around it. I see females getting their hair & make up done in one room, in another room there's women & men talking looking all elegant, then in other rooms, there's sex & orgies. What is this? Some kind of elegant brothel?

"Hello there…" A strange manly voice calls out to me.

I turn around but I don't answer him. I don't think I'd trust a man at 1 am at night. More then likely their up to something sneaky.

"You look a little curious, lost, hurt, poor. Want to come in, we'll provide you with everything you need." The man continues.

"Oh, No thank you I was just looking."

I begin walking away & he gently tugs on my arm.

"Do you need some money for the night? I can land you thousands in just one night."

"oh, really? What this place about then?"

"Escort service. Millionaires & even famous people come here to pick up, girls. & Honey since you are beautiful, I'm sure there's many men who'd take you at this moment. All we need you for is your hair to be done, & put on some make up, put you in a nice elegant dress & their will be a man waiting for you."

"Oh, really? & what if a man doesn't pick me up?"

"Don't worry. One will come around. Just try it, just one time & then come back & tell me how you felt about it, if you didn't like it. We'll let you go."

"oh, really huh? I doubt it. This is prostitution. You aren't going to let me go so easily."

"Yes we can. But Honey, we can really use you, You're a little tall, but that's okay men will still go for you, because you look like a super model, the long curly hair, red skin tone, big brown eyes, long neck, nice plump behind, men look for these kind of qualities in a female. & just imagine all the possibilities, you can go out with a man right now have dinner or go to a club then go home with him….& get a little rough. Woo. That man is going to be really lucky tonight. Then in the end he'll pay you a couple of thousands for the night."

"I'm not a whore & I don't plan to be one. So just back off, okay?"

I start walking away from the man & I hear him scream

"HEY!HEY!HEY! JUST GIVE IT ONE MORE CHANCE!"

I refuse to look back at the man, as he was nothing but trouble but that wasn't a shocker. I keep walking, & walking until I saw a bus stop here. Hmm, I wonder if buses are running at this time of night? Unfortunately for me, I'm not in New York City anymore. So that basically means for transport I'm going to need a car, or I'll struggle even harder. Theirs a bench by the bus stop so I'll sit here, maybe even fall asleep here, until a bus comes I guess.

I've sat at the bench for an hour & finally a bus came. Wow, I guess they come one an hour here in Cali. I walk onto the bus & ask

"So how many quarters do I need to put in here?"

"$2 worth of quarters."

Gee, I wonder if I have so many. I am looking in my purse looking for how many quarters I have & I had just enough. I put the quarters into the bus & I went in & got myself a seat. I'm not exactly sure where I'm going but wherever the next stop is, I guess I'll be getting off. I took out the framed Michael picture Ayana gave me yesterday night, & I just stared at it. The fact that he was smiling in this photo, makes me smile. Wow…what an effect, I haven't genuinely smiled since….since I met him.

I began to cry as I thought about June 1st & how I had a glow on my face & I was so pretty & I sung my heart out. I haven't even sung in days. I wonder if my voice will start sounding off now, that I haven't sung at all in a few days. My teeth smell bad & are probably starting to go bad since I haven't brushed them since that very morning. I had a boyfriend who….seemed to 'care' Everything was going great that day. Now my life has hit rock bottom. & I don't know where to turn, what to do, where to go, when I'm I going to get my next meal, when I am going to talk to my mother on the phone again, how long will I be living this way. I know nothing, I don't even know if I am coming or going. I feel like this whole trip to LA, was a waste. A waste of time & money. I should have stayed in New York like my mother told me, stay in college & I would have been alright. But I had to lie, cheat & steal my way here & see what happens? I don't think I could live with myself now. I can imagine how my mother is feeling now, she probably hasn't gotten one minute of sleep, knowing I'm out here without a place to stay, & nowhere to go at all. & she probably wants to kill Aiden for doing this to me too. The amount of stress I am putting her through right now is so unforgivable. I don't think I'd ever forgive myself for doing this to her. This is a fuck up to my life, I don't think I'd forgive myself for messing it all up for myself.

The bus announces it's stop, that means it's going to stop soon. What do I do? Get off? Then what next? Walk around & go look for a shelter at now, 2 am at night? If I had any luck in me maybe I'd get one, chances aren't too likely. But I'll try.

The bus stopped & I got off, I am looking on some signs & they say I'm at Inglewood, so basically I just went from one hood to another hood. Wonderful. I begin walking down the streets looking for a shelter to go to.

An hour passed & now it's 3 am & I found a open shelter. Lets see if they have any space for me. I walk in, a place that looks clean, but just really, really small. I see 3 men waiting around looking at me, like I don't belong here. I guess my leather jacket makes me stand out. I walk up to them & ask

"Hi, got anymore room for me?"

"Oh let me go check." one of the guys answered.

He walks away to some section, with his co -workers & discuss some things as I am patiently waiting.

"Are you sure your at the correct place? Cause dear, Your hair & your clothes look a little to high class for a shelter."

"Don't give me a hard time. I am homeless. Seriously. I've been through enough today. Don't test my patience."

"okay, sweetie. Man your attitude is a bit up class for this too but you're a female, what can you expect, probably going through her monthly problems." The men are laughing around making this a joke & wasting my time. I grabbed one of the men's collars & brought him straight to my face.

"Listen, I don't know what's the rules here or if I should come in here & just suck your dick. But, if you've been through what I've been through in the past 48 hours, Missy, you wouldn't be on your best behavior either! So tell me if there's any space in here for me or not so I can STOP wasting time!"

"Oohh she just called you a Missy Derek!" his guys in the back chant & laugh.

"Okay, I'll see what I can do for you." Derek replies, in a rather serious voice.

Now he's taking me seriously when his friends start teasing him. I let go of his collar & he walks to the back & is doing something's & I patiently wait. He walks back up to me & says

"Yes, 246 & remember there are about 4 or 5 other people in that room sleeping. So be careful."

"Okay, thanks."

I am walking down the hall, looking for the number 246, I come to realize it's the last room to the left. I know it's like 3 am at night I hope I don't interrupt anyone in there. I walk into the room slowly closing the door, seeing the place pitch dark with people, really quiet room you can literally hear a pin drop. I see the first bed is free so I walk towards it slowly & lay down on it. I didn't take off my shoes or anything I don't want to get too comfortable at these places, next thing your stuff is stolen.

Eventually, I fall into a deep sleep on the bed, & all of a sudden I feel something, something….on me, then, something, on my mouth, & whatever this something it feels really huge & heavy especially on my small & tiny body. Now….I feel something moving in me with excessive force. I open my eyes, & I see this HUGE & ugly looking man on top of my raping me. My eyes bulged in fear, & I try to scream but this man's hand is warped around my mouth, so tightly, No one in here could hear a thing. His huge body is pinned down on me so I couldn't move what so ever. What I was feeling was horrendous, gruesome pain. & I feel squashed like a truck just landed on top of me, even though that man was literally a truck himself.

He's on top of me & been on top of me for such a long time that I begin to feel light waited & just…fade away. I am losing consciousness. It's better off I just die, right then & now because I feel as if I have nothing to live for. My dreams are slowly, fading away, I just got raped out of my virginity. Might as well I should have been fucking Aiden since 1981, What the hell was I saving for? Was just going to lose it to some random rapist anyways. Now I am homeless, & probably pregnant. Great.

I'll just close my eyes, I feel myself getting weaker & weaker, lose all consciousness & hope I'll never wake up, again.

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