And there I lay, squished in to the tiny and battered-looking couch that I picked up cheap at a yard sale a few months earlier. I had spread over it a blanket that Grandma had crocheted so that the upholstery tears were no longer visible. I hated that couch, and even more I hated being a broke-ass that couldn’t afford something brand new. 

I was flicking through the static-filled television channels, trying to find something interesting to watch at such a ridiculous hour of the morning. 

Could life be any more boring? It was a question that seemed to be plaguing me so much lately. There had to be more to it than this. Sure, I had a reasonable job, I had decent friends, but I found myself to be more anti-social than not. I hated going out. It was easier just to stay inside. I couldn’t really articulate why I felt that way, but I just did. No one else understood around me either. I guess they just figured I was lazy.

I heaved a sigh and flicked the channel again. Stupid Infomercials; you are all the bane of my television existence! I thought with irate. Wow, the TV network really got it right in the programming department, just what I want to watch at 2:30am – some ditzy blond talking about a fail safe bronzing powder. Stupid orange bitch.

I resented the fact that I was still awake and more to the point, that I was at home on a Saturday night. I should have been out partying like all the crazy kids did these days… or something. 

My best-friend Gabrielle had invited me out to attend one of her infamous piss-parties but I’d refused – just like I had every other time she or one of my other friends extended an invitation to like-minded events. I hated that environment so much, and she knew it so she really had no right to be put out by my declining. 

And anyway, weren’t people supposed to start growing up at 23? I mean, I was never quite in to the whole, ‘let’s get pissed and boast about it to whoever looks polite enough to feign interest’ behavior, but mostly everyone else that I knew of had pretty much grown out of the smutty keg party lifestyle. 

Apparently my friends hadn’t. Apparently they thought that my own choice of lifestyle needed to be spiced-up a scooch by getting me, how did they put it? Oh yeah, ‘Soooo fuckin’ trashed!’

Idiots. 

I hated myself for being such a judgmental bitch. I mean, they were my friends and I loved them – I just loved them more sober, and I loved them more one-on-one because I could seek the real them without having to get through the layers of their so-called coolness factor. 

Speaking of coolness factors, mine had plummeted down to zero long ago; I knew that. Hell, they knew that, but I guess the only thing that kept them counting me as their friend was probably the fact that I was so damned honest with them. I always laid it out there, I was the one they’d run and cry to. You’d think I was a priest and my dinky little apartment was advertising confession hour. In a way though, I was kind of honored that people could trust me enough to come to me and tell me what was in their hearts. It made me feel wanted and needed and best of all, it made me feel useful – a feeling that I otherwise lacked.

Honesty, I found was such a trait that was so hard to come across – I suppose it was one of the reasons that kept me from bothering to make new friends or even go out of my way to bother with the ones that I already had. I hated having to work at getting under someone’s mask, finding out who they really were – it bothered me. And usually under that initial façade was a person that quite frankly, wasn’t worthy of my energy.

I had extremely unfair expectations of people, I knew that much – but it was something that I was working on. I’d been through a lot and I really didn’t trust anyone. I just knew that I needed to be more kind and tolerant, at least that’s what my heart told me. 

My head told me to tell everyone to fuck off and let me feel how I wanted to damn well feel.

**

“Ooh, Jade, I heard Danny talking to Marcus and he said that there’s someone staying in the Presidential Suite…” Melissa told me with so much curiosity in her tone, almost as if she expected me to care.

“Super.” I replied sarcastically, but she was too dense to grasp the concept of it. 

“It could be someone famous.” She pointed out factually. I glanced at her in her smart Beverly Hills Hotel uniform. Unfortunately the smartness didn’t go any further than her attire. She was a nice girl, it wasn’t really fair of me to be so rude to her, but sometimes I couldn’t help it. Idiocy to me was like a red flag waving in front of a bull. I was the bull and I just happened to come across the red flag way too often.

“It could be just some snotty rich family too.” I replied with disinterest as I answered the ringing telephone.

Melissa gave me a roll of her eyes and immediately I felt bad. She always made the effort with me. She was always nice even when I was being the biggest bitch on the face of the Earth. Very few people at work liked me, but I was fine with that – it meant that no one would attempt to socialize with me. She flicked her blond bangs out of her eyes and walked off to take something upstairs.

I focused my attention on the phone call. “Hello, Jade speaking, how may I help you?” I asked in my sugary-sweet voice. For some reason when it came to my job, I didn’t mind playing the part. 

“Hi there…” came a shy and uncertain voice. “I was wondering if I could uh, order something from room service.” 

“Certainly Sir.” I answered coolly, “What can I get for you?”

The male voice went through his order with me. A chicken salad sandwich on whole meal bread, a glass of sugar-free Coca-Cola and a pot of tea with honey. 

“No problem sir, it’ll arrive shortly.” I assured the patron as I looked down to see that the call had come from the presidential suite. I turned to see if Melissa was back so I could give her the message, perhaps she could have taken it up to find out who the patron was, it was almost my way of saying sorry. 

She wasn’t anywhere to be seen. “Who you lookin’ for?” Danny, a co-worker asked me, noticing that I was craning my neck around.

“Melissa.” I replied. “Hey, do you want to take this?” I asked holding out the message that I’d taken. “It’s gotta go to the kitchen.” 

Danny laughed at me. “What do I look like, your little slave man?” He joked. 

Danny and I got along well. He had a great sense of humor and he was pretty darn cute – but besides that he had a pretty unscrupulous personality. Danny was West Indian. He had beautiful dark skin and a beautiful smile, the first time I met him, he actually made my knees go weak – of course I would never have admitted it to anyone at all. 

“Bitch, you’d be damn lucky.” I laughed as I took the room service request to the kitchen. 

The afternoon seemed to float by pretty easily. It was rare that we dealt with disgruntled clients, The Beverly Hills Hotel was much too swanky for any old rogue to pass through, and I was okay with that. I spent a lot of time going out of my way to be nice to Melissa, feeling bad for being such a bitch in the morning – my pleasantness seemed to brighten her mood which in turn made me feel like less of a jerk. 

It was so ironic how even a good intentions were selfish. 

“The weirdest thing just happened.” Melissa remarked, passing me by as I went to enter the kitchen to grab a drink to go with my afternoon tea. Sometimes us sneaky employees did that—helped ourselves to hotel food. 

“What?”

“I was just relieving Danny from front desk for a few minutes and this annoying little brat came up and asked me which room Michael Jackson was staying in. She was wearing a T-shirt with his face and everything.”

I raised my eyebrow – or at least I tried, I could never succeed in raising just one. “Weird.” I agreed, “but funny.” 

She gave a laugh. “Yeah…” She stopped, “Oh… could you do me a favor before you go to lunch, and take these towels to room 501?”

Give ‘em an inch and they take a fucking mile. I thought bitterly. I smiled and said I’d be happy to. Of course I was lying.

**

“When you go up there,” Marcus, our manager spoke quietly to me, “you are to conduct yourself in nothing but a professional manner, okay?” 

I looked at his old ass as if he were crazy. “Who do you think I am?” I wanted to ask, “Melissa?” He’d just asked me to stay back and work a double shift, and hey, since I had no life, I agreed. I just nodded, daring not to speak back to my stern-faced boss.

He’d pulled me aside and confided in me that Michael Jackson was the man staying in the presidential suite. Of course I was a little bit surprised and part of me was extra curious, but it really wasn’t a big deal, we had celebrity guests all the time. It did explain a lot, though. 

I remembered the polite and shy phone call earlier in the day for room service, and realized I’d already spoken to him. I stifled a little knowing smile. I kinda wished that I could tell Melissa, she’d have been able to find excitement in it and would probably relish the slight brush with fame more than I, but Marcus had made it clear that I was to tell no one. 

I was a highly trusted employee, just like I was with everything else in my life. Mr. Jackson had requested some extra linen and I had been assigned to take it up to him, since he couldn’t very well come down and get it himself. 

There should have been at least some sort of personal satisfaction from knowing that I was the only employee that my boss saw worthy of being in the presence of Michael Jackson – but funnily enough, I felt nothing. 

Well, that wasn’t exactly true, I felt an inferno of nervousness filling my body. It’s strange, you know, I had no problem judging other people around me, but when I felt like someone was judging me adversely in any sense I just felt myself shrink into a scared child. It was the feeling that I loathed most in the world. 

With those thoughts now swirling around in my head, I took the linen gingerly, heading toward the elevator. I wondered to myself what he would look like up close, what he would be like – He seemed polite on the phone. 

I knocked twice on the door and waited. I felt my hands trembling slightly and couldn’t help but to wonder what had come over me. I’d worked at this hotel since I was 19 and served and worked directly for lots of celebrity patrons – but for some reason, this felt different. I guess it didn’t help that Michael was the most famous celebrity in the entire world and Thriller had just been announced as the biggest selling record.

I was by no means a Michael Jackson fan. I didn’t believe everything that I read about him, only mindless, gullible twits and young children truly believed the shit the media came up with. I listened to his music with a pretty neutral attitude when I heard it on the radio and I actually did own the album – but that was no surprise; 2 out of every 10 people in America owned that record according to MTV. It was some kind of phenomenon. I hadn’t really spent too much time listening to it, so I never quite saw the greatness for what it apparently was. I felt pretty bad for Michael, he was in the news a lot – they loved to pick on him.

My thoughts came to a stop as the door opened halfway.

My heart felt it was a good time to stop then too. He glanced at me with huge brown eyes. I tried my best to give him a smile. Give him the linen and leave. Give him the linen and leave. OH FOR GOODNESS SAKE JUST GIVE HIM THE LINEN! I could hear my subconscious screaming at me. “Hello Mr. Jackson.” I could barely squeeze from my mouth.

Oh, good going twit features.

He eyed me warily. I could feel those eyes all over me. I quite frankly loathed that feeling. I didn’t know how to handle it. He slowly pressed his finger to his lips. “Shhh.” He ushered me; “I’m signed in as Peter Pan.” 

I felt foolish for saying his name out loud, as if it were some kind of brief lack of professionalism. “I’m sorry. Mr. Pan, here is your linen.” I re-gathered myself, ignoring his piercing stare. Hmm, unfortunately it didn’t feel as foolish as calling him ‘Mr. Pan’.

“Thank you.” He replied quietly, opening his door wider so that he could take it all. I looked in behind him curiously. From what I could see, he’d made quite a mess all on his lonesome. Instead of looking in nosily, I should have turned and continued on my merry way, but I lacked professionalism again. 

He turned around, following my eyes to see what I was looking at. He gave a small smile. “I know, it’s a mess.” He said, almost apologetically – as if it were actually my business. He paused for a moment, his eyes just falling over my shoulder length dark hair, and my smallish frame. “Can I um… ask for your help with something else?” He inquired, his eyes finally meeting mine. He looked sheepish, as if he were about to share something that could possibly get him in to trouble.

“Sure Mr. Jacks-“ I shook my head and clapped my hand against my forehead, “I mean – Mr. Pan.”

He giggled shyly as he turned to invite me in to his suite. “Doesn’t matter.” He murmured. 

What the hell? He wants me to come in?

He closed the door behind me as I looked around dumbly. I felt as though I was no longer an employee of this Hotel but a secret visitor of Michael Jackson.

Shut up, twit. I scolded myself for having such idiotic thoughts. 

“I did something a bit stupid…” He admitted, “Can I trust you not to tell your boss?” He asked.

Yeah right, just cause you’re Michael Jackson doesn’t mean I’m not gonna squeal on you, bitch. “Sure.” I lied convincingly. 

I looked around as we headed in to the master bedroom. I’d never actually been in to the bedroom of this suite, and boy was I shocked. I stifled it well. It was massive. It was possibly the biggest “bedroom” I had ever seen. The walls were a pristine white color, and the carpet was a royal red. Everything looked so grand and the room had an antique feel to it. It looked possibly as if Jackson had been there for some time. He had things strewn from wall to wall, suitcases of clothes and video games and – every imaginable gadget that was available. I tried not to act so shocked, but I’m not sure I was as convincing with that. 

He pulled up a towel that was on the floor by his unmade bed. “I uh… was doing some painting…” He began. And it was obviously true – there was an Easel with a paint palette fixed to it, and the makings of a beautiful painting of Charlie Chaplin.

Instantly, I was intrigued. His talent obviously extended further than music – I was impressed. But like every other emotion, I chose not to show it. I glanced back at him, trying to ignore how awkward the situation felt. “And—“ he continued, trying to look past the fact that I was being so standoffish and unfriendly. “My palette fell face down on to the carpet.”

He showed me the mess it left. Obviously he’d tried scrubbing the stain out, but it hadn’t worked, it had just made matters worse. 

My mouth fell open in shock. I once remembered that Motley Crue had trashed the presidential suite after a concert one night, and the damage bill had been a huge kick in the nuts for them. I knew Michael would be rolling in money, but still – The Beverly Hills Hotel were not about to fix things cheap. It was going to cost thousands of dollars to re-carpet. I actually felt sorry for him; he seemed to be genuinely upset with himself.

“Oh no…” I murmured. I must have made a facial expression that showed my concern. 

“Money isn’t an option, I can pay for repairs – it’s just…” He paused, glancing up at me with those damn fucking intrusive eyes that I was beginning to hate. I felt like they were stealing my friggin’ soul. I looked back down at the carpet just so as he couldn’t read me as I felt like he’d been trying to do from the moment he had opened the door. “I don’t want it to get on the news.”

You self-involved prick. I almost rolled my eyes but I caught myself just in time. 

“Is there any way that I could get you to organize getting it cleaned without anyone else knowing?” He further inquired. 

I gave a nod. “Sure Mr. Pan. I’ll get someone in immediately.” I felt incredibly stupid calling him Mr. Pan. 

“Thank you.” He smiled happily, “I really appreciate that.”

I politely smiled in return and began to head out the same way that I came in, ignoring the scattered mess everywhere that I looked. “Enjoy your stay.” 

“Oh, just a second.” He stopped me as I was about to close the door behind me. 

I turned around to face him. I noticed traces of eye makeup that I longed to see him without. I considered that feeling for a moment before I quickly pushed it to the back of my head and wrote it off as a temporary bout of stupidity. He was wearing a pair of stone wash jeans that made him look incredibly lanky and skinny. I don’t know why I was surprised so much by the hideous orange sweater that he wore – his choice of clothing was always eyebrow raising. His complexion wasn’t as smooth as it looked in photographs, his skin down under his chin seemed almost patchy. I found myself frowning at it by accident. Immediately he raised his hand to his neck where I had been staring in a self-conscious manner. 

I felt like an asshole for making it so obvious. I quickly averted my eyes away from his skin and back up to his face. He was so much better looking in person; I had to admit – not that I ever thought he was bad looking though. He had a little bit of a five o’clock shadow, now that was damn sexy on any guy, but I couldn’t find it sexy on Michael. 

“I didn’t get your name.”

Cause I didn’t give it, dumb ass. 

“Jade.” I replied. 

“Ok, thank you so much for your help, I truly appreciate it.” He said with honesty in his tone. I felt bad because he meant it and I knew he was genuinely sorry for the mess he had caused. 

“No problem. Mr. Jackson.” I answered him heading in to the corridor. I slapped my head again, realizing I’d just said his name out loud for the third time.

Michael closed the door behind him and I went back to work, writing a reminder to make some calls for his little accident. 

I felt a strange sensation in the pit of my stomach that I couldn’t quite place my finger on. I suppose it was my own twisted and conflicting feelings from coming face to face with Michael Jackson. I wasn’t sure if I had liked him or not. He was seemed nice enough—but then again, I’m sure even a Hannibal could come across as ‘nice enough’ on the first occasion. I tried to play off the niggling feeling and finish my work for the night, but I couldn’t seem to stop thinking about what had happened in his room. 

I didn’t intentionally mean to be rude – I never did. It was just something that came naturally. I hated myself for it. I really did. I knew it was behavior stemming from the knowing in my heart that there was no one in my life that I trusted.

When I told people openly that I trusted nobody, they’d agree and tell me the same – but from them it was just words – they liked to believe that they didn’t trust anyone, but they did. And when they got hurt, they’d have a wet eye over it and then touch the burning pot again so to speak. I, on the other hand, was true to my word when I said that I didn’t trust a single person. There was no one in my life that I trusted with any of my deepest darkest secrets or thoughts. 

And you know what? I felt as though I was much more superior to everyone I ever met for being able to rise above human nature to live true to the once bitten and twice shy adage. 

Deep down inside though, somewhere that I hadn’t quite realized yet, there was a part of me that was yearning for someone to trust. There was loneliness in the abyss of my heart and a void that I felt could never ever be filled.

“Oh it was so bad, Jade…” Gabrielle relayed the story of the party that had gone on the previous weekend. The party sounded just like every other that she hosted. She and everyone else would turn up, get drunk, pass out or end up in bed with someone and then they’d all freak out the next morning when they awoke next to someone they’d never met before.

I didn’t care about her party. In fact, I was repulsed by the fact that she even had thegall to invite me to it. She knew better than anyone that I was on a bit of a moral high ground when it came to booze, sex and drugs, why did she always try to solicit me in to it? And sometimes she accused me of looking down my nose at our friends, but wasn’t she basically doing the very same thing by trying to coerce me in to her own little world?

I tried not to show my repulsion, because I loved her, I really did, but it’s not like her behavior was getting any better, it was spiraling downward and I suspected she had begun using drugs more regularly than just the odd occasion. 

“You should have come along.” She told me matter-of-factly.

Oh yeah, I should have come along to a party that was sooooooo bad. I thought to myself as I rolled my eyes on my end of the line. “Sounds like you had a great time.” I pitched in trying to do my absolute best to sound interested. I tried to think of something to tell her to change the subject, but the truth was—I was as uninteresting as she was. I had been doing absolutely nothing. I thought about telling her that I’d met Michael Jackson, but I’d heard her mocking him on numerous occasions and for some strange reason, I didn’t feel like listening to her do that either.

“Yeah it was fantastic. There was this guy – he’s a friend of Kyle’s and I think we’re gonna get together some time next week.” She informed me. 

Maybe I was living in a parallel universe or something, but for real, was I the only one left on the planet that didn’t sleep around? What was this? Fuckfest ‘84? Gaby had a new fling almost every week; I couldn’t keep up anymore. It made me feel sorry for her. I don’t know why, though. She seemed happy enough. 

Gabs was gorgeous. She was the typical Californian prototype with ocean blue eyes, beautiful long sunny hair and such a hot body that I had always envied. She had the longest legs in the friggin’ world—seriously. It was as though they stopped under her chin. She had a great set of lungs on her, as we would joke… On top of that, she was so intelligent. 

Most of all, despite the shortcomings that I couldn’t understand—Gabrielle was a goodperson. If she knew I was upset she would be the first one to comfort me. She was fun too when she wasn’t talking about who she’d had sex with last or stories of who rolled the first joint at what party. We both had other things in common, but for some reason, it seemed as though the bad things about her far outweighed the good and I just couldn’t muster up the energy to tolerate the bad anymore. 

“That’s great Gabs.” I told her, feigning as much enthusiasm as I could. “I’m glad you had a good time.”

“Yeah.” She answered brightly, agreeing with me. “So anyway, what are you doing tonight? Do you want to catch a movie?” She asked almost hopefully. “I miss you Jade, I haven’t seen you in weeks. I hope you’re not becoming a hermit again.” She tried to joke.

Ugh, not funny.

I went through on and off bouts of depression quite frequently—but it wasn’t a big deal, depression was something that I’m sure everyone suffered, they just dealt with it probably better than I did. Most people, I found, had the ability to push it away and hide it from the world. I hid it well too, but I didn’t really push it away. I normally threw myself in to bed for a couple of days, or however long it took to leave me. I’d pretend I was ill and I’d lie in bed and cry for hours over… well, that was something that I wasn’t entirely sure of.

I suppose life sometimes felt so stagnant to me; it was as if I was hanging in limbo. There was nothing good or bad happening. Nothing ever got better nor did it get any worse. 

“I’m sorry, I can’t…I’m working.” I lied. I would have preferred sticking dressmaker pins into the pupils of my eyes over spending an entire night listening to her inane chatter. 

Oh man, I was such a bitch. It was definitely going to be an eternity in hell for me – Oh well, I shrugged, at least it’d be warm down there.

I ended the conversation pretty soon after only to see that I’d missed a call from work. It seemed that I actually was going to take a shift after all. My damn lie came back to bite me in the ass. Good one, Jade. 

**

“Jade, this was left at the front desk for you.” Danny told me as he handed me an envelope. It had my name carefully printed on to the front of it. “I tried to open it and spy what was in it, but I couldn’t figure out how to do that without unsealing it – and then you would have found out.”

I raised my eyebrow at my co-worker and just laughed. “I’ll be sure to inform you if any of it concerns you.” I joked as I curiously took the letter to our main office and opened it. The envelope was a vanilla color and the handwriting was so scratchy and capital letters were used where they weren’t needed. I mean, seriously, how hard was it to learn the rules of punctuation? I was already annoyed by it. 

I pulled out a thin sheet of paper and opened it up. It was a short note. My heart beat a little quicker than usual because the content of it was something that I was certainly not expecting.

“Dear Jade,” It read.

“I come across a lot of women, but you … there is something different about you. I don’t know what it is; but it’s been on my mind and I feel as though I can’t settle until I figure it out. Each time I look at you, Jade I feel intrigued. You hold so much mystery and handle yourself with such care. I feel drawn to you and I’ve been watching you. I will be anticipating the next time we get to talk.

Sincerely yours…”

Freak. I mumbled to myself, wondering who the hell could have sent it and what kind of perve would be watching me. Come across a lot of women? I guffawed to myself,Yeah right. Where? Club XXX on a Friday night? Loser.

I stuffed the stupid letter in to the pocket of my black vest and headed back to front desk where I was assigned for the evening. 

Danny asked nosily what the note had been about and I’d lied, telling him it was from a happy patron. He left it alone, thankfully and I began to grow suspicious of all the males at work who would even throw a sideways glance at me. 

**

“Hi there.” I did a double take. I had been busy taking inventory of linen when someone standing before me spoke up. He rested his dark hands on my desktop and smiled at me. He was wearing a baseball cap pulled right down almost completely over his eyes. 

“Hello Sir, how may I help you?” I asked assuming my professional role. 

He avoided my eyes, I could tell he was nervous. I used the same mechanism when I was feeling particularly vulnerable. 

“Jade, right?” He asked, as if he were unsure. I gave him a nod and the same fake ass smile that I gave every other client. I hated my own smile. 

“I’m hosting a get-together up in my room tonight and I was wondering if I could maybe have someone from your staff assist me?”

“I’m not quite sure.” I answered honestly, wondering why the hell he would want one ofour staff to wait his stupid little parties. Couldn’t he just call up one of his little midget buddies? 

Stop it, Jade. I told myself crossly, Even midgets have feelings too.

“I’ll just check with my boss.” I picked up the phone to dial in to the main office to find out from Marcus if Michael Jackson was allowed to hire one of his very own employees. As I dialed the number, I had a sneaking suspicion that he would be appointing me to do the dirty work. The thought displeased me immensely.

Michael waited patiently and strummed his fingers on the desktop. I stole a glance of his attire, and almost shook my head. Did this guy want to look like nobody owned him? It was certainly the look he was achieving. 

If I could ignore his hideous sense of fashion then I was able to concentrate on his good looks. I even liked his crazy hair. It was kinda boofy and out there at the moment, it stuck out from under his cap. He also smelled pretty good; like a soft scent of vanilla. 

He licked his thin lips and looked around self-consciously. I wondered why he had come downstairs to the front desk to ask, rather than just phoning up, but I didn’t say anything. I directed his question to Marcus and tried to sound as at ease with his answer as I could.

I put down the phone and gave Michael a tight smile. “Sure Mr. Pan, the Hotel Manager would be happy to assign someone to you. What time would you be needing the assistance?” I asked far too coolly than I had intended.

“In about one hour if that’s not too much short notice.” He replied. “Who will I be expecting?” He remained very polite and calm, but I could tell that he was out of his own depth and he knew it, just by the way he craned his neck around making sure no one had recognized him.

“I will be.” I answered keeping a tight expression. 

A smile spread across Michael’s lips and judging by the creases at the corners of his big, dark brown eyes, I knew it was genuine. “Great.” He replied. “See you in an hour.”

“Yes, great.” I muttered under my breath as he walked off.

The moment that my eyes had met with hers I knew that I had to find out more about her. My stay at the Beverly Hills Hotel was supposed to be brief. I was supposed to be staying for no more than about four days but I was embarrassed to say that I had extended my stay just so I could get to know her.

I had first noticed her when I checked in to the hotel over a week earlier. I had been in one of my disguises and no one batted an eyelid. She had served me at the front desk. Something about her just struck me from the moment she looked up at me with her sweet face. I was surprised though; that sweet face contained a mouth with a voice that was filled with so much coldness. She flipped her dark hair from her face and looked up at me. Her eyes reflected the color that was her name and she just had a look that was so different from any other girl I’d ever found myself checking out.

Every day I went downstairs in to the lobby and watched her. I caught her laughing genuinely just twice within the whole time I’d spent watching her. I was aware of just how stalkerish it made me seem, but I didn’t care.

Shyness had restricted me from outright asking for her number or being bold enough to ask her to meet me for dinner or something that would be easy for any other guy my age. Apparently I was supposed to be sleeping with groupies and enjoying the typical Rock Star lifestyle; but that wasn’t me.

I was aware that people didn’t know how to act around me, people were often in awe of my presence, and believe me it was more of a hindrance then helpful. I didn’t even like getting special treatment. I wished more than anything that I could be just a regular guy, that I wasn’t cursed with such an infinite sense of self-consciousness.

It was a weird transitional stage of my life that I was having a lot of trouble dealing with, and unfortunately for me, there weren’t a lot of people that I felt I could turn to. I did spend an awful lot of time with kids and of course the media had something to say about that. It was nothing sinister; it was just that children didn’t have the expectation from me that everyone else had. With them I didn’t have to live up to a reputation of being anything. I could just be me, someone that hardly anyone got to see—or even wanted to.

Don’t get me wrong at all though – I loved being famous, and nothing made me prouder than the success that Thriller was achieving, but it was so lonely. And my reasons for enjoying fame as much as I did, was probably a little strange to other people within the industry. I liked being famous because I could help people. I really, truly believed that it was what God intended me to do.

I wasn’t going to be bashful about it; I was doing well financially, very, very well, in fact. Sharing that wealth with charity and people who needed it much more than I really made my heart swell with pride. Knowing that someone else’s life could be enriched from the money that I shared just pleased me to no end. Sometimes it was the only thing that kept a smile on my face, because everything else in my personal life was just so dismal.

The media’s new thing was casting me as being a homosexual. It bothered me so much because I wasn’t. I just found it painstakingly hard to meet anyone who was worth laying it all on the line for. I needed to find someone that I could whole-heartedly trust with my entire life, and unfortunately unless the woman had no idea who I was, the chances of finding her would be slim.

Nothing stopped me from actually attempting to make friends though, I guess I was a little persistent and a hopeless romantic at heart. I truly believed that there was someone out there for me, and so I didn’t want to ignore my heart if it told me to pursue someone.

So I hatched this … idiotic plan to invite some people to my suite and have a meeting. I called it under the pretense of discussing the budget for my next single—I invited my A&R and a few finance advisors to talk it out. There would be some negotiating going on, and I knew better than anyone they were all competent enough to discuss things without me.

I don’t know why on Earth I expected it to work. I was a naïve kinda boy, I’ll admit. Sometimes I had this fantasy that everything in life was going to be cake. I knew after that night though, this girl wasn’t going to be cake to get to know—she was more like… a piece of mud pie…

She was standing before me making coffee for my guests. She looked real cute in her little work uniform. It consisted of a white blouse and a nicely fitted black vest and a black skirt. She wore black strappy shoes that would have given at least an inch or two to her height. She wasn’t very tall, probably 5’2 at the most. Oh yeah, she was real cute.

I tried not to make it obvious that I was giving her the once over. I sensed though, it was all a façade, the coldness. I’m sure beneath all of that was a young woman who wanted to be herself.

Maybe that’s why I felt so attracted to her. She mirrored me in some kind of way, as though we had something in common without me knowing absolutely anything about her – except her name and the fact that she’d been working at the hotel for years.

“I hate these meetings.” I pretended to sound fed up. “You okay back here? Need a hand with anything?” I asked her. I was just using the meeting as an excuse to spend more time with her.

“I think I’m covered.” She replied in her soft voice. I noticed that her voice changed when she was alone with me, it was as if she became more introverted.

I tried to think of something to ask her that wouldn’t allow her to give me such a closed answer. “So what’s it like working for the hotel?” I asked.

Wow, Michael, what a brilliant question!

She gave a shrug, glancing up at me for about a quarter of a second. “I suppose it’s okay. Work is work, you just do it to survive.”

I gave a vague smile at her cynical answer. “That’s a bit of a cynical attitude to have, don’t you think?” At least it gave me something to work with.

Jade looked up at me and finally looked me in the eye, “No. I don’t think it is. Of course I’m not doing what you’re doing, so I guess we’d both have different perspectives on the matter.” She replied icily.

Ouch.

I tried not to show how much her answer had thrown me. “Perhaps.” I answered in a restrained voice. Damn, she was bitter. She showed no apology for her sharpness with me and for some reason I admired her ability to be so frank considering who I was. I wasn’t used to people being real with me.

The question that plagued me was, is this person who she really was? Or was it just a mask?

“I don’t always enjoy my work, though.” I continued, “Like now, for instance… there are lots of elements of my job that I don’t enjoy and a lot that I do. Can you honestly say that there is nothing about your job that you enjoy?”

At least my question made her think. She looked at me and shrugged her shoulders and shook her head. “Not really.”

I didn’t quite know how to respond. I actually felt sorry for her. I couldn’t imagine being forced to something that I didn’t want to do just to survive. However, I was intrigued. I wondered what her passions were. “Why don’t you look for another job, something that you'd enjoy?”

She looked up at me and put down the pot of coffee. I was expecting her to tell me to mind my own business, but surprisingly, the coldness in her tone dispersed and she gave me one glimpse of her true self for just a second. “It’s much easier to stay in a comfort zone.” She said very simply.

That one remark told me a million words about her.

As a musician it was extremely difficult to make a transition from one style of music to another. Going from 70s disco music to transcend my career and break out of that genre in to contemporary R&B had been the riskiest path that I'd chosen to take to date. It was one of those things that I felt that would either make or break me. It was a case of just leaping in to the deep end without anything to hold on to. My fear of failing almost halted me from releasing Thriller altogether, but I knew that it was my best work yet and I figured that it would bother me more to have to always wonder if it could have done well.

I knew that Jade’s fear of failing had obviously succeeded in holding her back from whatever dreams she really wanted to achieve. She was so guarded and it made sense. She had a fearful heart. She’d probably been hurt before, and it was probably seemed much easier for her to never have to leave herself open to be burned a second time.

She made me so curious.

I decided to just pluck up the courage and be bold about it. “Can I call you sometime?” I blurted out. I wished I had of been able to craft my question a little more eloquently. “I mean—“ I interrupted myself, “Away from your work environment… Cause I…” my mouth was going dry. Because why, Michael, because why? I knew my question was random, and it wasn’t supposed to be. “I guess I want to talk to you more—without this…”

She seemed shocked by my question but quickly composed herself. She gave me what I deemed to be a feeble smile. “You don’t have my number.”

I squeezed out a chuckle trying to disguise the fact that my heart was pounding hard in my chest and my palms had began to grow sweaty with anticipation. I felt my cheeks burning. “This is the part where you’d offer it to me.” I prompted her.

She stared me down, I knew she was wondering what on earth I would want from her. I couldn’t tell her because I honestly didn’t know. I just wanted to talk. I wanted to try to get beneath her façade and find out about her. “Is this some kind of joke?” She asked me suspiciously, finally looking back down to continue what she was doing.

Oh goodie, and paranoid to boot.

I wondered why I always tortured myself with the high maintenance types. I wished I could be like my brothers and have the same hit it and quit it attitude, but I didn’t. Hell, I was a twenty five year old virgin. She had to be damn special. I wanted my first love to be perfect. I’d had girlfriends, but none that really grabbed me and made me want to give up my heart and body. I loved my last two girlfriends, but I’d never been in love with them.

“Why would you think it was a joke?” I asked, my forehead creased with concern that she would pick me for being some kind of jerk. “It was just a question.”

“Well I’m not like other girls, I’m sure you can find someone else who’d be more willing.” She informed me, her icy tone returning. It became more than evident what she thought I was getting at and it quite frankly offended me.

“And I’m not like other guys.” I told her, using the same tone she had told me. “You know, it’s easier to say a simple no rather than making assumptions about me before you even know me.”

I was damn tired of people thinking they knew me. I wasn’t going to let her get away with thinking my intentions with her were impure.

Jade mumbled an apology but it seemed rather insincere.

There came a time where I had to just give up. It was one of those moments. I didn’t say another word, it was clear that she had nothing left to say so I went back to the dining room and took a seat. I didn’t listen to a single thing that they discussed. Instead all the thoughts that danced around in my head were about Jade.

I think what struck me the most about her, was that her shyness and petite exterior didn’t stop her from standing up for herself when she felt threatened. And the fact that she didn’t treat me like I was famous—well, let’s just say that was a bit of a turn on.

After the meeting ended, Jade went back downstairs without so much as a goodbye to me. I felt defeated and pretty much realized that it was a lost cause that I would have to accept. I’d get over it, I always did.

**

Just before I went to bed that night I went to the kitchen to get a glass of water. I noticed a slip of paper on the counter and it immediately caught my attention. I looked at it for a second trying to figure out what it was. I could feel a goofy smile spreading slowly across my lips.

It was a phone number carefully printed. She wrote nothing else, just the digits. There was no name and no note. I wondered what had made her change her mind. I almost wanted to go and pick up the phone and dial it, but I realized she probably wouldn’t appreciate a call at 3:30am.

I felt pleased with myself as I carefully put the number on my bedside table where it wouldn’t get lost and laid down to go to sleep.

I was so angry with myself for leaving my number. What kind of an idiot did that sort of thing? I knew that he would call. It was almost like I wanted him to. I knew that certainly wasn’t the case. The whole entire two minutes of conversation I’d shared with him the night before had annoyed me. He was far too intense for someone like me. I wanted to bet that he was the kind of person who would call a million times a day and expect you to chat for 12 hours straight.

And he did try to call. I was letting my machine take them all because I needed to avoid him at all costs. I felt unsafe around him, as if there was a slight chance that I would let down my guard. I didn’t want him to get to know me away from work. I didn’t even know why he was interested in me in the first place—it wasn’t as though I was friendly to him.

He had called me four times in three days and he’d left just one message. It was a nice message. Nicer than the message on my machine, at least.

“Hi, you’ve reached Jade, 818 5328788. I’m currently screening my calls. So leave a message… or don’t. See if I care.” My machine played, my voice speaking in complete monotone.

My friends first laughed at the message thinking it was a good gag. I don’t think they realized that it was recorded with seriousness.

I replayed Michael’s message for the third time. “Hi Jade, it’s um, me… Mr. Pan.” He gave a nervous chuckle and I rolled my eyes. “I just thought I’d give you a call to chat. It’s nothing important. If you feel like talking, you know where I’m at.” He added, pausing for a second as if he were considering adding something else to his message. “Well okay, that’s all. Bye.”

I picked up the phone twice and went to dial work, but each time I just mentally slapped myself. Don’t do it. I told myself. It’s not worth it. You have enough friends.

That wasn’t entirely true. I had friends, but I failed to remember the last time they called me.

He’d thrown me off completely by requesting my phone number. It was the last thing I’d been expecting from the way I had acted. Michael Jackson was definitely unpredictable. I couldn’t figure out why he would be interested in me. It’s not like I was interesting or funny or … good looking.

I hated the way I looked and I much less expected anyone else to find me attractive. It was true; I had little to no self-esteem and I hated anyone knowing that. The only male that ever showed me any interest were toothless, homeless rogues that chased me down the street begging for a quarter when I was at Union Square.

I gave a shudder at the thought. I just couldn’t imagine someone like Michael finding me to be attractive enough to even just want to just sleep with me. He had made it clear that that wasn’t his interest, and I’d been surprised that he’d corrected my immediate assumptions so concisely. But if it wasn’t that, then what was it about me that he wanted to get to know?

I sighed and shook my head. I was giving this far more attention then it was worth. I was going to go shopping. Retail therapy always made me feel so much better. There was a new line of make up by Christian Dior that I couldn’t wait to get my hands on. I was a bit of an impulse buyer, which probably was to blame for the reason why I never had any money. As long as I felt good in the moment, that was what usually meant the most.
 
**

I gave a yawn, it was getting really late and I was growing tired. Funnily enough, when I was working I probably could have fallen asleep at my desk with ease, but when I was at home and it began to grow late I had no chance in the world of being able to drift off earlier than midnight.

It was after 11 and things usually grew really quiet around that time.

Apparently not. The phone rang and I almost jumped out of my seat. I picked up the receiver after regaining my composure. “Hello Beverly Hills Hotel, Jade speaking.”

“Knock, knock.” A familiar voice joked with me. I knew it was Michael and his persistence couldn’t have shitted me off more.

“I don’t have time for this…” My voice trailed off, “Can I help you with something?” I asked.

“Aw, come on…just answer the door, Jade, I’m knocking… You can’t leave me out here… it’s cold!” He replied playfully, ignoring my irate with him. I felt the makings of a small smile creeping up on to my lips but I quickly wiped it away.

“Michael, seriously. If you didn’t call for a particular reason then I’m going to hang up.” I warned him with more conviction than I even felt. I wanted to hang up, I really did. But I couldn’t bring myself to.

“I did call for a reason, I called for you to answer the door. Now…” He paused and took a deep breath, “Knock, knock! —And if you don’t answer this, I’ll just knock harder.”

I let the smile become visible. I gave a sigh, “Fine, who’s there?” I asked.

“Mr. Pan.” He told me with satisfaction that I gave in to his pathetic and childish sense of humor.

“Mr. Pan who?” I couldn’t believe I was subjecting myself to this bullshit. I shook my head and looked down at what I’d been doing before he had interrupted.

“Mr. Pan who has tried calling you three times on your home phone but you won’t pick up or call back and he’s wondering why but he doesn’t want to call anymore because he doesn’t want to seem …desperate or something.”

I couldn’t help myself; I actually gave him a laugh. It was pretty funny. It felt good, actually—to let myself enjoy his silly joke. “Well… I’ve been busy.” I fibbed. I made it seem as though I had some wild, raging social life.

What a joke.

“Well what about if I called you after your shift tonight? Would you talk to me then?”

I wanted to say no. I wanted to hang up on him because his persistence was a pain in my ass. I didn’t want to sit and chat to him. We had absolutely nothing in common and besides, what would I say? I hated the types of phone conversations that I held with my friends where neither of us would have anything to say and there’d be awkward silences filling the line. “I might be busy.” I replied finally.

“Is that you’ll definitely be busy, or you’ll find something to do if you’re aware that I’m going to be calling?” He asked, seeming slightly upset.

Man, where did he get the gall?

“Let me just be honest with you—“ I began.

“Oh please, don’t let me stop you.” He replied with as much sarcasm, as if he were insinuating something. I imagined him sitting his hotel suite on the red couch, sprawled out in one of his ugly ass outfits—probably some hideous knit sweater that his grandma made for him.

“I don’t know what you want with me, but I’ll make it simple. I don’t date and I don’t think that you and I have anything in common.” I told him, ignoring his patronizing comment.

“Firstly.” He began, matter-of-factly, “Don’t jump the gun. I didn’t ask you for a date, now did I?”

I felt my cheeks blushing. I loved the way he spoke. It was soft and clear and had a bit of a southern twang to it. Oh Lord, what was I saying? I wished that someone could have smacked me upside the head for even thinking it. He couldn't dress for shit, he’s had midgets for friends and enough grease in his hair to flash fry a buffalo in under a minute.

So what the hell made him attractive to me?

“And,” he continued, “You don’t know what we do or do not have in common because you won’t pick up your phone. I don’t want anything from you really, just a chat… I have no expectation of you. If you decide you don’t want me to ever call you again, then I won’t, but don’t assume things about me until you’ve given me a chance.”

I was surprised by how firm he spoke to me. Usually people just gave up with me. They normally grew frustrated by my coldness and walked away from me. I quite admired his annoying persistence. I would have hung up on my own bitch ass ages back. Not Michael though, he must have enjoyed the challenge.

“Well you certainly put up a good argument.” I remarked.

“I thought so.” I could hear him smiling on the other end of the line. And damn him, he sounded sexy.

“Fine.” I told him. “I finish at midnight. You can call me at half past 12.”

“Fantastic.” He replied, “I’ll call you then. Nice talking to ya, Jade.” He didn’t give me the chance to answer him he just hung up.

**

I sank down in the couch and resigned myself to the fact that Michael probably wouldn’t call. It was almost 1am and for some reason, my heart was beating hard in my chest and I was more than just a little bit nervous. It was safe to say that at the best of times outside of my work environment I suffered social anxiety. I was very nervous to talk to him. I wished that I had of been more firm and clear when telling him that I didn’t really want him to pursue me any further.

It would have been the easy way out. But oh no, I enjoyed torturing myself apparently. I turned on the television hoping to find something that would deter my attention from the telephone. I wanted to calm down a little. As the phone rang though, I knew there was no hope of that happening.

My heart leapt in to my throat as I tried to compose myself enough to pick it up. I almost considered letting it ring out, but I knew that that just wouldn’t be fair. I understood how hard it must have been to muster up the courage to ask for someone’s number. I picked up the receiver and pressed the “on” button. “Hello?”

“Hi Jade, it’s Michael.” He told me clearly.

“Hi Michael.” I greeted him calmly as I sank down on to my own poor excuse for a couch. I felt awkward; I didn’t quite know what to say.

“I’m sorry I was a bit late calling, I just wanted to make sure I gave you enough time to get home and relax a bit first.” He explained.

“Thanks.” I replied. I was glad that he did call a little later, actually. It had allowed me time to get changed in to my pajamas and have a hot cup of tea. “How are you?” I asked, as if I actually gave a toss.

“I’m not too bad. I’m getting a bit bored, to be honest, but I have some friends visiting me tomorrow.” He sounded a bit down, but I didn’t want to ask. It wasn’t my business. I was pretty used to people just dumping their woes on to me, or having to dig a little to get something out of someone when they were sad; but I was tired of doing that. Sometimes I wished that people would realize that my life wasn’t a fucking walk in the park and just ask me how I was really doing.

Not that I would have told them, but it would have been nice to have felt like someone actually cared. People were always just too self-involved.

“How was your day?” He asked me, realizing I had nothing to say in response. At times like this I really did hate myself for being shy.

I feebly attempted humor. “Not too bad, it was quiet I guess… A lot of nuisance phone calls… One guy…” I pretended to sound annoyed, “was such a pest, he called with a knock-knock joke. Can you believe it?”

Michael laughed at my humor, which was mighty kind of him. “Man, what a loser, wonder what his problem was!” He played along with me.

We both chuckled a little nervously. “Seriously, I’m sorry if I bothered you with all that. I guess I was being a bit silly—but I just wanted to talk to you.”

He still offered no explanation as to why, but I guess part of me felt really honored that he wanted to talk to me so badly. It wasn’t often anyone expressed such an intense interest in me, and hey… sometimes you just take what you can get.

But still, you couldn’t blame me for questioning the intentions that motivated him. “You still haven’t told me why it is that you wanted to talk so badly.”

He laughed, “I don’t know…” his voice trailed off. I was actually smiling. It felt genuine. I knew he was embarrassed and I’m sure his cheeks were burning. “I like that you don’t treat me like everyone else does, I guess.” He told me perhaps honestly. I didn’t quite understand.

“How do you mean?” I queried, shifting in my couch so that I was sprawled out and more comfortable. My nerves were easing somewhat. I didn’t feel too uneasy. It was different than being in person with him, because I didn’t have to avoid his eyes and I didn’t have to actually face him.

“Well…” He began a little uncomfortably. “I don’t know how this is going to sound—I hope not egotistical.”

Oh great, I’ve just awakened the ego.

“People usually straight up brown nose me. No one tells me how they truly feel, no one is honest with me and people are generally scared to disagree with me. And you just seemed pretty real with me from the second we met, you know?” He probably had more to say but he was scared of sounding too over the top.

I felt a bit chuffed up with pride to say the least. I was glad that I got my answer. It made me feel a bit relieved. “I guess.” I replied, because I didn’t know.

“Enough of that.” He tried to sound a bit brighter, realizing that I didn’t completely get what he was trying to explain. “So… what does Jade do for fun?”

I gave a cynical laugh at the corny way he had asked the question. I thought for a few moments and came to a disappointing realization. I didn’t do much of anything really, except work. “I don’t know…” I murmured, feeling suddenly engulfed by a feeling of extreme inferiority. “I guess I work a lot.” I replied.

Wow, that was all I was giving myself? I work a lot? I hoped it didn’t sound as pathetic to him as it did to me.

“But we established you don’t enjoy your job last night.” Michael contradicted me, “Don’t you do anything to relax?” He asked, sounding rather surprised. “Something that makes you happy?”

I felt like shit. I was more uninteresting then I originally thought. “No. I’m always busy with work. I work sometimes six days a week. By time the weekend gets around I’m just happy to be doing nothing at all.” I lied. Oh shit yeah, it was a big fuckin’ lie. I wished more than anything that I had understanding friends who didn’t try to get me to go out and party—I wished that I could go out and have fun without all that added shit, but honestly? I had no where to go and no one to go with.

“Hmm…” Michael sounded as if he were pondering my answer. “What about amusement parks, when was the last time you went to one?” He wanted to know.

I almost laughed but I realized his question was serious. “I don’t know…” Wow Jade, you’re just a wealth of knowledge, aren’t you? I questioned myself sarcastically. I must have sounded like a complete idiot. “A long time.”

“The zoo?”

“About 10 years.”

“Do you like the disco?” He asked curiously.

“Not particularly. I can’t stand smoking and alcohol.” I replied, wondering if it were perhaps a bit too straightforward. I wondered if Michael had ever dabbled in drugs or if he drank alcohol regularly. I know he spoke out against it, but so did a lot of public figures, only to be busted out practicing the opposite of what they were preaching. “Do you take drugs?” I asked him directly.

“No!” He answered almost quicker than I’d suggested it. “Gosh, what makes you ask something like that?”

“I don’t know.” I shrugged, “It was just a question. It just seems like everyone else around our age does.”

“I can relate to that.” He replied with a smile, realizing that I was obviously quite strong against drugs. “It’s everywhere I look in my line of work.”

I could believe that.

“How are you able to fight the temptation?” I wondered curiously. I knew that I had no problem turning down drugs or alcohol. It was no skin off my nose and I certainly never felt the urge of peer pressure because I had no desire to ever “fit” in – but I knew that not everyone else’s morals and convictions were as strong as my own.

“What temptation?” He asked, “I have never ever been tempted by drugs. I don’t even drink alcohol, Jade. I’ve seen that type of stuff destroy so many great people that I admired as a kid. I’d never succumb to it.” He told me gently as if he expected me not to believe him.

“That’s good to hear. Maybe I’m not alone after all…” My voice trailed off and I realized just how much emphasis my last remark held. Michael must have realized it too because he agreed with me in a very pensive tone as if he were thinking it over.

“Can I ask something? You don’t have to answer it if you don’t want…” He began. I hated those types of questions, they were usually the kind that made my stomach churn.

“Okay.” I answered him hesitantly.

“What makes you so guarded?” He wondered.

Maybe it was to do with the fact that the later the night grew, the fewer inhibitions I had. At least that’s what I wanted to believe, because there was no other explanation as to why I would be so open and honest with someone that I didn’t know.

Or maybe it was just that – the fact that I didn’t know him which made me able to say what I truly felt without anything holding me back. “I don’t trust anyone.” I told him. “I don’t like people. I think that generally people are mean-spirited, self-involved and careless. I don’t believe that anyone is worth having a broken-heart over.”

“So then you’ve just been hurt before and you don’t want it to happen again.”

I thought about what he had just ascertained. “Not only that, Michael, but you of all people will understand how much betrayal can kill your soul.” I told him, becoming acutely aware of just what kind of vulnerable position I had put myself in – ironic conversation we were having. “I fear people like I fear the plague. Even the few people that I classify as my friends are not people who I would ever place my trust in to whole-heartedly.”

“Isn’t there just a little tiny little piece of your heart, that deep down somewhere believes in love?” He asked, “because I’ve felt everything that you say, but I won’t let my heart be imprisoned by my mind. I don’t want to be lonely.”

“Not one piece of me believes in love.” I told him very firmly.

That was the first time I had ever truly lied to Michael Jackson. And I knew it probably wasn’t going to be the last, either.

I was the worst person for leaving things until the very last minute. I was expecting my friends to arrive any minute and I had left it this late to do a speedy clean up. I was so untidy; I should have been ashamed of myself, really. There were clothes strewn everywhere and empty glasses and dirty plates in my bedroom. I could have at least made a concerted effort to be more hygienic, I thought as I surveyed the pigsty that I called the kitchen with a disgusted face.

I quickly filled the sink with water and liquid soap and let the dishes and glasses soak, so at least it made it look like I was making an effort. I shoved everything that was within view in to a suitcase and the remaining, in to a huge cedar cupboard that I hadn’t bothered to hang my clothes in.

As a result, I was wearing a rumpled green polo over a long sleeved white shirt. I didn’t notice until I heard a knock at my door that my jeans had a food slop on them.

Charming, Michael, charming.

I hadn’t seen David and Kendra since three weeks before Kendra gave birth to a precious baby girl. I was so excited. It had been six months and I loved babies soooo much. Apparently baby Isabel was sitting up all on her own. I felt bad that my promotional tours and public obligations had overtaken my chance to get to see them.

I swung the door open, quickly forgetting the stain on my jeans. A grin spread across my mouth as David greeted me from the hallway loudly. Kendra held a little bundle in her arms. I completely sidestepped Dave’s attempt at giving a brother some affection and made a beeline for Kendra. I kissed her cheek and we exchanged hellos. I held the door open for her to come inside with the baby first.

“Mike, what’s the deal?” David asked, his arms open but still empty of my affection. I gave him a laugh and reciprocated his hug. I knew he was only playing, they both knew how excited I was to see their baby.

“Good to see you!” I told him. I turned back to Kendra. “How are you doing?”

She smiled and told me she was fine. “You look healthy Michael.” She informed me. I felt healthier, and happier. The last time they’d seen me, I was kinda depressed about a fall out I’d had with my father. Nothing new or unusual, I reminded myself.

“Thanks. You both look really well too.” It was a lie, I hadn’t really paid either of them much attention. It was as though I had a one-track-mind.

Baby. Baby. Baby. Baby. Baby. Baby. Baby. Baby. Baby. Baby. Baby. Baby. Baby. Baby. Baby. Baby. Baby. Baby. Baby. Baby.

“So where’s my beautiful little God Daughter?” I asked coolly. She was somewhere in wrapped beneath the blankets in her mother’s arms.

Kendra grinned at me. “You’ll never change, will you? You’re always about the children.”

She knew me so well. David came and stood over his daughter and smiled proudly. Isabel was tiny. I didn’t expect her to be so small. She had dark skin and light brown eyes. She was very, very quiet. She just looked at me with so much curiosity. I grinned broadly; so much so that my cheeks hurt.

“Oh my goodness…” My voice trailed off. “She’s so adorable!”

I looked at both of them for a moment with so much hope and longing that I too, could be in a perfectly loving relationship with my very own child one-day. God, how I hoped it would be sooner rather than later. I felt an inexplicable burning sensation in my heart, and I knew that I loved their baby so much already.

“Can I hold her?” I asked.

“Of course.” Kendra replied. I took her from her Mommy gently, sliding my hands beneath her arms. I lifted her with ease and brought her to my chest, balancing her on my side.

“Hi sweetheart.” I greeted her, poking her chubby little cheek lightly with my index finger. “I’m your Uncle Michael” I told her as I planted a kiss on her forehead. She looked at me with so much curiosity for a few moments. I blew a raspberry on her cheek and immediately she began to giggle.

I loved the sound of a baby’s laughter. I knew it was corny, but to me it was just like the sweetest song. I couldn’t stop beaming. I kept doing it until Isabel was giggling like crazy. I finally stopped, forgetting that I was supposed to be entertaining. Kendra and Dave were exchanging glances, watching me with a smile. I suddenly felt a bit embarrassed.

“Take a seat, guys…” I instructed them. “Do you want a drink or something?” I asked.

Both of them shook their heads, “We’re okay thanks.” I took a seat, sitting baby Isabel in my lap. “So Mike, what’s been happening?” Kendra asked, “You seem happier than last time we saw each other.”

I smiled, “I’d want to be, right?” I laughed, “My album is still at number one, I have no right to be upset.”

David grinned at me, “We’re really proud of you, you know? You worked so hard.”

It was true. I did work hard. In fact, I didn’t really do anything except work for around a year. Thriller was my own baby, my wife, my absolute masterpiece – or so I had treated it, at least. All the hard work paid off, though. I was infinitely pleased with my success.

“What about everything else? Are you still seeing Sielle?.” David asked. I knew he was referring to my love life. Or lack of. Last time I had seen him, I was dating Sielle, a woman that I’d met through my father. And like I did with every other “interesting” woman that had popped up in my life, I grew far too excited too soon. I convinced myself all the time that this time she was THE ONE! And then… she just turned out to be a regular dupe. I had raved on and on and on to Dave about her only after the second date.

I thought she was great. On the third date she wanted to go further than I had intended. I told her that I would have much preferred spending time with her getting to know her better and she didn’t quite know how to take it. She never called me back for the forth date.

I laughed at the suggestion. “Nah man, she wasn’t right for me.”

Kendra and David both laughed. I knew they what they were thinking – admittedly they had every right to jibe me about my inability to pick the right girl. Or for thinking every girl was the girl, but it didn’t stop it from annoying me, or even hurting my feelings a little bit.

“Have you met anyone else?” Kendra wondered.

I gave a shrug. “Maybe.” I replied, glancing down at Isabel who was sucking on the arm of the couch. I laughed and moved her away, “That’s yucky, darlin’”

“Maybe? Yes or no, Mike, come on.”

I chuckled again at their nosiness. I also knew it surprised them that I wasn’t about to start raving about someone new. “I met a girl.” I replied simply, “And I like her, but I don’t want to say too much. It could be nothing, but it might be something.” I added, controlling my urge to spill it all.

Not that there was much to spill. Jade and I had held a conversation on the phone the night before. It had grown in to a deep chat about how much society bothered us. I did most of the talking and she listened. It had been rather nice to be able to share my sentiments with someone else who didn’t just write me off as being naïve. I mean, perhaps she was thinking it, maybe she even thought I was corny, but I didn’t mind. At least she didn’t just laugh in my face.

Kendra raised an eyebrow at my guarded privacy. “Fair enough then.”

I smiled. “Sooooooo tell me everything about this little one.” I decided to change the subject, picking her up and holding her above me. She had a soft mass of fuzzy curls on her head that just looked so sweet. Everything about her was just beautiful. She was delightful perfection. I wondered how lucky and blessed her parents must have felt.

**

This was getting ridiculous. I let him call me; I obliged his stupid little conversation for more than two hours. I listened to his pretty little anecdotes and pretended to be interested and still he wasn’t friggin’ satisfied.

I tapped my foot impatiently as I gave myself a once over in the mirror of the elevator. I looked okay. I had finished my shift and had discarded my black vest. I was wearing a white button down shirt that I’d already untucked. I hadn’t even realized how unprofessional I looked until I was on my way up to his room. I ran my fingers through my straightened brown hair and made sure my make up looked okay. I heard the ding of the lift alerting me to the fact that I had arrived on his floor.

I stepped out and took a deep breath. A feeling of nervousness overtook me. I couldn’t figure out why. I took the three towels under my arm and made my way to his door. I was annoyed mostly because I’d clocked off five minutes earlier and could have been on my way home. But oh no, everyone has to drop their shit for Michael friggin’ Jackson.

I sighed and knocked on the door.

He took no time opening up, looking me over briefly. It made me feel rather uncomfortable but I tried to ignore it. “Hi.” He grinned at me. I was surprised by his enthusiastic mood. “Come on in!”

“Oh, I can’t.” I said quickly giving him a weak smile. “I just came to drop off the towels like you requested.”

He raised a perfectly arched eyebrow. “Yes you can.” He replied with an impish smile. He knew I was lying. “Why can’t you come in?” He asked, changing the subject when he saw that I wasn’t impressed with him.

He held his door open and extended an arm as if to invite me in again. I felt myself caving. I don’t know how he did it, but he kept making me feel so guilty for turning him down. I stepped inside his suite. He closed the door behind me. “See, you can do anything that you want to.”

I wanted to slap his smart-aleck ass. He led me into the living area and went right to the carpet. To be honest, I wasn’t really paying too much attention to him; I was too busy looking around taking notice of the fact that it was clean. I was impressed. It was really clean.

I almost reeled back in shock as he turned back around carrying a beautiful baby. I couldn’t help but smile. She was so cute. She was dressed in a sweet little pink jumpsuit and held on to Michael’s shoulder with her little tiny hands.

“Something that you’re hiding from the world?” I joked with him.

He laughed good-naturedly. For a moment, I thought that perhaps my joke was right on the money but he shook his head. “I wish!” He exclaimed, “she’s my God daughter, Isabel.” He informed me. “I’m babysitting tonight while Mommy and Daddy are out to dinner, aren’t I?” He added, talking more to the baby than he was to me, teasing her with the pacifier that was pinned to her jumpsuit, causing her to giggle.

To be completely honest, I always thought that Michael’s alleged affinity to children was just a load of publicity-seeking shit. I believed that the reason why he always surrounded himself with them in public was because it made him look soft-hearted and as if he actually cared.

“I love babies.” He admitted as if he knew what I had been thinking.

I wanted to tell him that I too, loved babies. I was furthermore impressed by his interaction with the baby than I was with the state of his suite. Most males were awkward with children; they’d hesitate to pick them up, play, change diapers, or even interact, but not Michael. “Me too.” I managed to reply.

I guess that was the moment where I decided it was okay to admit it to myself.

I liked Michael. It was an innocent feeling. I thought he was nice, and I didn’t mind being there with him alone and suddenly I didn’t feel so nervous. I put the towels down that I had been dumbly holding since I entered his room.

“Do you want to sit down?” He asked me kindly. “Or are you still on shift.”

I couldn’t have lied and told him I was still on shift, but a part of me was curious to stay and hang out. “Sure, I’m not on shift” I replied honestly.

Michael smiled pleasantly at me. I sat down on the couch that he was motioning toward a little stiffly. I tried to relax but I couldn’t. I was hopeless in social situations, physical ones at least. I didn’t really know how to conduct myself around him. I couldn’t even think of anything to say. It was awkward.

Michael surprised me and sat down beside me with his Goddaughter in his lap. She really was a beautiful baby girl. Her skin was the color of cocoa and her hair looked so soft. She stared at me intently while Michael held her little hands in his. Every now and then she would try to cram one of his hands into her mouth and slob all over him. He apparently found it all very cute.

“Hello beautiful.” I smiled at her, stroking her chubby little cheek with my forefinger. She said nothing but turned back to Michael. He gave a chuckle. “She’s so sweet. She hasn’t cried a single tear all afternoon.” He told me. “She’s so easy-going.”

I smiled faintly. Easy-going was something that I definitely was not. I watched him silently amusing her. He seemed so experienced and comfortable looking after her; he was clearly very responsible and trustworthy around kids. I knew that probably spoke volumes of the person that he was. “I can’t wait to have kids…” Michael remarked aloud, almost as if his thought had been verbalized without necessarily meaning to.

“Well… you’re all hooked up with Brooke, I’m sure it won’t be long.” I wished sometimes that I could curb my forked tongue when it possessed me, but no… I was just taking unnecessary stabs at his image. I knew that the Brooke Shields thing was probably more of a publicity stunt than anything else.

Michael raised his eyebrow at me but then his slightly surprised expression relaxed in to a bit of an embarrassed smile. “Brooke and I are over.” He replied with reluctance. The smile turned a little bitter and pensive until it faded completely from his thin pink lips.

To be truthful, I didn’t know if he was just playing along with my assumption, or if he actually meant what he had said. “Magazines have been reporting otherwise.” I contradicted him. God, it was almost as if I derived some sick bitchy pleasure out of pissing him off. Sometimes I felt like I had no control over my emotions, such as when a person came along that I felt myself starting to like. This was a huge deal because I was such a friggin’ control freak, but I knew that I could easily remedy that problem by being a complete spiteful bitch. It was inevitable that the person would eventually become annoyed or even offended enough to take the first step back.

“Yeah well, they’re wrong. Brooke broke up with me awhile back.” He almost snapped. With his comment came the unspoken confirmation of my thoughts. They were together. I wanted to show some sympathy but I couldn’t. Hearing that he had been dumped made me want to tell him that it was his own fault. That’s why I was much too smart to put my heart on the line. At least I wouldn’t ever have my heart broken.

I know that my expression was blank. It was rare that I showed any signs of what I was feeling inside, unless it was disgust. I was great at showing disgust. In this case, I almost wanted to say sorry, but instead I just said nothing.

I hated myself so much.

“And anyway, I don’t think she’d be the type to want to settle down too soon.” Michael added, as if to seem as though he wasn’t all that hurt about their breakup, although his sudden change of attitude seemed to tell otherwise.

“Fair enough.” I shrugged.

“So tell me…” he began, picking up Isabel from his lap and bringing her close to his chest. “Do you always believe everything that you read?” His tone was still tinged with bitterness, as if he were annoyed with me. I almost had to stop myself from smiling with satisfaction.

“Not at all. In fact, I can’t even remember the last time I picked up a stupid gossip magazine.” I answered him very matter-of-factly. “Waste of my good money.”

Finally he smiled good-naturedly and realized I’d just been razzing him. “I was gonna say… you seem far too intelligent to buy in to that crap.”

“Looks can be deceiving.” I joked. I glanced at Isabel who was staring in to space with an unmistakable expression on her face. I laughed to myself, knowing exactly what she was doing.

Michael caught it too. “Aww, Isa, come on now…” He made a face but laughed. “Couldn’t you wait for Mommy or Daddy?” he asked.

This was going to be interesting; I was about to witness Michael Jackson wrist-deep in poop. Good times.

“And it doesn’t help that you stink.” He poked her in the belly gently and made her giggle. It was true. She smelled like absolute ass. He asked me to hold her while he went and got her a fresh diaper and the change mat. She grabbed a handful of my hair and pulled until I cried mercy and pried it from her hands. Michael apparently found this incredibly funny.

“Aww honey, let go of her hair…” Michael coaxed her gently, trying to hide stifle his laughter. I gave a strained smile and handed her back to him. It was okay, the chances of Isabel grabbing a handful of Michael’s hair was slim to none. That shit was too greasy for anyone to get a good grip on.

I was surprised actually, that changing the baby’s diaper wasn’t really a big deal to him. He did it with ease and he seemed pretty comfortable about it. He made a face when he saw that she the nice little package she had left him. I laughed at him. “Glad its you and not me.” I joked.

He gave a little shrug and chuckled, “With the good always comes the bad.” He informed me. Something about his last sentence seemed to hit a chord within me but I couldn’t exactly figure out why. The smile wiped from my face and I watched him change the baby girl with so much care, as if he were her father. I saw something within Michael that even my cynical attitude couldn’t cut down.

Everyone wore masks; sometimes the ones worn by adults confused me because things they said didn’t correspond with the actions that they made. I found it very hard to distinguish good from bad because consequently I couldn’t be guaranteed that what I saw was always what I was going to get. 

As much as I hated to admit, I guess you could have said that I wasn’t a very good judge of character.

“So what about you?” Michael asked, changing the subject, realizing that I had gone quiet. “Why don’t you have a boyfriend?”

I hated that question. So many people continually asked me that question and it always got on my last damn nerve. Mainly it came from distant family or friends that felt like it was their business.

I laughed scornfully, “Me?” I asked with disbelief. “Yeah right.” I almost felt insulted by the mere suggestion. As I could have had a boyfriend. Just who would be idiot enough to date someone like me? I thought it was his attempt at razzing me back, but actually I saw after a few moments, as he clasped Isabel’s jumpsuit back together, that he had posed a serious question.

“Why not?” He asked, seemingly perplexed.

I just smirked and shook my head as if that should have been explanation enough.

“Seriously…” He persisted. His eyes met with mine and I saw a tenderness that I really, truly wasn’t used to in the eyes of anyone except my Dad. My Dad was the nicest man in the entire world. There was not a harmful bone in my father’s body; he was the type that wore his heart on his sleeve and the only person that I didn’t have any problems showing affection to. I had to look away.

I just shrugged and I wanted to kick myself for making it so obvious that he’d hit a soft spot. “Do I strike you as the kinda girl who gets asked out on loads of dates?” I asked him raising an eyebrow. Damn it, I was raising both—but I liked to try. I tried to pretend that I was okay with the idea that no guys ever really looked my way, but internally I wasn’t. I just gave a light-hearted laugh.

“I don’t think there’s a reason why you shouldn’t.” He tried to compliment me, but I knew what he was thinking. He was thinking that if I was possibly a little less cold hearted and more approachable there was a better chance of someone being interested in my ugly ass.

Suddenly I felt the atmosphere was far too intense and Isabel was starting to get restless. “I think she’s tired…” I told him. She was so sweet, even when her soft cries were slowly but surely turning in to loud wails.

“Would you mind holding her while I warm up a bottle?” Michael asked me, I guess agreeing.

I smiled genuinely at the idea. “Of course I don’t mind.” I replied brightly. I didn’t mind holding Isabel at all. In fact, I wanted to.

Michael got up from his spot on the floor where he had been changing her and handed her over. It was clear that the previous subject was about to be dropped. I felt a sense of relief. I carefully took her. Immediately her wailing got louder. I couldn’t help but feel a little flushed that she didn’t really want to leave her Godfather for the unfamiliar. “Sweetheart, don’t cry.” I soothed her. I loved the feeling of her beautiful and infantile body cradled in my arms. Her head rested in the crook of my elbow. She was so tiny and so delicate and she made my heart swell with so much emotion.

Babies and small children were so defenseless and vulnerable and I suppose that’s why I felt my own inhibitions coming undone while I was holding her. I knew that she expected nothing from me. Children didn’t wear masks, what you see was everything that you got – and for that reason I felt completely at ease.

Her wailing quieted as her curiosity took over. She looked at me with her wide eyes and stopped crying altogether momentarily. “What’s all this fuss?” I asked in a hushed voice, showing her smile. “What are you fussing about?” I repeated.

I was in my own world with her and didn’t notice Michael paused in the archway that separated the living room from the kitchen watching me. He screwed the cap back on to the bottle of milk that he had just tested to make sure it wasn’t too hot.

I briefly glanced at him, giving a thought to how experienced he actually was. “Look how tired you are…” I breathed, smoothing down her soft curls. I could see that she was fighting off sleep. Her cries grew louder and Michael stepped in. I went to hand her back to him.

“You could feed her if you want…” His voice trailed off. Part of me really wanted to, but the other part of me knew it was better just to hand her back to Michael. Despite how much I pushed away maternal instincts, I really found myself getting clucky. It had been a long time since I had spent any time around a young child, and I’d forgotten just how easy it was to be flooded with the desire to bare my own child.

“It’s alright… you can do it.” I moved closer to him on to the couch, leaning over to place her in his arms. For some stupid reason I looked up at him. Our faces were just an inch or so apart. I felt the muscles in my lips involuntarily turning in to a smile. His eyes burned in to mine and for the first time they didn’t feel so intrusive, they felt understanding—as if we had some common ground between us.

He looked away first and washed away was all maternal feelings and they were replaced with a feeling of stupidity. How could I have let myself feel so strongly for someone that I basically knew absolutely nothing about? God, why was I such an idiot? And I couldn’t even make it go away. I knew the feeling was probably fleeting, but it felt so strong and my ability to reign those intense emotions went flying out the window as I watched him feeding her.

When I had been with my last boyfriend; my Dad asked me how he was with other children and I had lied and told my Dad he was fantastic and loved them. The reason that I lied had been simple. Dad had always told me that you could tell a lot about someone by the way that they interacted with animals or kids. They both seemed to bring out the best qualities in person, and the only reason why someone would shun either away, was because they had something to hide.

I should have listened to my Dad. Aaron held such disdain for children and it meant nothing to him that I had always dreamed of having some of my own. He made it clear that there was absolutely no room to compromise. Being the perfect and submissive second class ass-kissing girlfriend that I had been, I never really voiced my opinion or my upset with his single-handed decision about our future together.

Michael was different. He was perfect with his Goddaughter. He made himself comfortable in the couch and held her easily with one arm. I noticed how huge his hands were; he engulfed almost half of her body within it. Her body was leaning inward to his chest. She looked snug and warm and drank her milk half-heartedly as her eyes began to fall closed. It was so clear that he also had the strong maternal instincts.

“Isn’t it funny how children can bring out the absolute raw emotions of a person?” he interrupted my thoughts, randomly.

I figured that it was a bit more loaded than he had intended. He was making reference to the way I had seemed to soften as soon as I took Isabel. I just nodded. Partially because I didn’t know what else to say and also because I didn’t want to speak and disturb the baby. Her eyes were fluttering as if she were still fighting off the urge to sleep.

“Smile… though your heart is achin’…. Smile, even though it’s breakin’ when there are clouds in the sky, you’ll get by… If you smile, with your fear and sorrow, smile and maybe tomorrow…” He crooned so softly. I certainly hadn’t expected him to sing to Isabel, but it was clearly working. I also hadn’t expected my heart to begin beating hard in my chest.

His voice was breathtaking; it was truly one of the most beautiful instruments I’d ever heard. I couldn’t help but to feel gushy. He continued to sing, looking up at me. I caught his eye and he gave me a cheeky smile that made my heart grow just a little. He looked a little embarrassed, but he wasn’t about to stop until he was satisfied that Isabel was sound asleep.

And quite frankly, I didn’t want him to. “That’s the time… you must keep on smiling. Smile, what’s the use of crying? You’ll find… that life, is still worthwhile, if you just smile…”

He didn’t really say anything to me after he stopped. I felt the air grow a bit tense, and part of me wanted to get up and run out of the suite because I wasn’t at all comfortable with the feelings that were swirling in my stomach all compliment of him.

How dare you possess feelings for him! I could hear my conscience screaming at me with disgust. Look who he is, look who you are, look at YOU! I felt a bit ashamed of myself but tried to push that lingering feeling away. Deep down I knew that someone as gorgeous as he was, was infinitely out of my league.

He put the bottle down beside the couch and rubbed her back absently, as if thinking over what he wanted to say. I actually found myself staring at him without even being conscious of it. My eyes lingered over the patchy complexion beneath his chin that I had been shamelessly staring at a week earlier.

“Can I ask a personal question?” I asked him as my eyes made their way over his face, watching him intently.

He turned his attention to me, “Of course… but that doesn’t mean I’ll answer.”

I smiled, “Well, you can tell me to mind my own business, Michael, I won’t mind…” I paused and wondered if it was my place to ask him what I was about to. “Is that a birth mark?” I wondered, touching under my chin to show him what I was referring to.

Michael immediately clasped his free hand under his neck. I saw him swallow hard. He’d been completely thrown by my question. I guess he wasn’t expecting me to be so blunt. I don’t know why, it’s not like I’d ever been anything else with him. He deserved an apology, though. “I’m sorry.” I quickly said, “I hope I wasn’t out of line, I was just curious.”

“Is it that noticeable?” He asked me with seriousness, disregarding my question and my apology.

I shook my head, “No. Not really.” I told a little lie, because in some parts the skin change was more prominent than in other places.

“It’s not a birthmark.” He replied simply. “I have a skin condition.” He added. “I’ll tell you more about it one day…”

I felt really rude and embarrassed myself for making him feel uncomfortable. “I’m sorry.” I apologized again, but it was obvious it was futile. “I have a heart condition?” I offered as if a sign of truce between us.

“Really?” He asked, it seemed to pep him up, almost as if it pleased him. I giggled at his reaction. He realized what he’d said and quickly dropped the intrigue. “I mean, are you okay and stuff?” He paused, “I didn’t mean to sound…so hap—“

“It’s okay Michael.” I laughed, “And yeah, I’m fine, maybe I’ll tell you about it one day too.” I added, without realizing exactly what I had committed myself to.

When I got home later that night I felt an overwhelming urge to burst in to tears. And I did. Crying was a feeling that I both loved and loathed. With it came such an intense feeling of relief, but gone with it was my sense of sanity. I felt the hot tears streaking their way down my cheeks and my nose began to block up.

I didn’t exactly know why I had been so overcome by my own emotions. I’d had a really nice night with Michael. He had made me feel extremely comfortable and it didn’t seem as though he expected anything from me, just my company. He had this amazing ability to make me feel okay to be myself. Admittedly, I was still really shy with him. I didn’t really say much, and as usual he did most of the talking. I was bad at making conversation and I found it hard not to answer him without giving closed answers. I tried to open up, because I really wanted to—I wanted to let him get to know me a bit… but I was too socially inept.

I knew deep down that part of my upset was to do with the fact that I had such conflicting feelings within my heart. Part of me was angry for letting down my guard, even if it was just an inch. I didn’t want to be hurt again; I didn’t want anyone to see that part of my heart. I almost wanted it to remain untouched as it was, a wounded heart, unhealed. I didn’t want anyone to ever make me feel any type of warmth toward them.

I wanted to be so nasty to Michael; I wanted to tell him exactly what I thought of him. I wanted to call him a freak and tell him that his hair was the greasiest that I’d ever seen and that his friendship with famous midgets wasn’t cute at all. I wanted to tell him to never look at me in that way with his damned fucking beautiful, wide eyes. I wanted to tell him how Homo it was for a guy to be wearing makeup.

I couldn’t though. He was being far too nice and friendly for me to be able to willingly and intentionally hurt. So instead, I just found myself being far nicer than I had been with anyone in years. I hated him so much for that. I wanted him to do something, anything really that would make me be able to justify being a bitch to him—but all night I had just warmed up to him more and more.

I just felt at such a loss with my life. I had nothing to offer him. I had a dead-end job, nothing interesting to talk about. I had the social skills of a stump. I felt butt fucking ugly all of the time and my self-esteem was basically non-existent. I just didn’t know what the hell was keeping him interested in bugging the shit out of me.

Hell, I don’t know? Maybe to him I was like a challenge. I knew that guys done that kind of thing quite often- the chase was more exciting than the catch, right? Maybe he thought I held some kind of deep mystery. Well no, there was nothing deep about me. I didn’t have anything to reveal. I wasn’t some kind of emotional contortionist that sprung out with an amazing personality once I let someone get to know me.

I gave a sigh and wiped the tears from my cheeks with the back of my hands. I let out another pathetic sob, and cried until I was breathless for the next few minutes until I was sure my face was beet-red, and my nose was snotty.

I tried not to give a lot of thought to Aaron. Every time I met someone who I felt even a flicker of interest in, whether it was a guy walking past on the street that was kinda cute, or someone like Michael who I found I felt a spark with, my memories of that ass-backwards relationship came flooding back.

Aaron was someone I had grown up with. We met on our first day of junior high. He used to tease me so much, and at first I used to hurl abuse his way, but then I stopped retaliating to him altogether. We were in the same Spanish class for the first half of the year—but then something seemed to change. He started being nice, and would visit my desk. He used to tell me about his favorite actors or singers – they were always the same as mine. He later confessed that he’d peek at who the latest heart-throb was, plastered on to the front of my books, or which celebrity boyfriend I had professed my love for by vandalizing the school equipment with their name in hearts.

We kicked off an amazing friendship and I suppose we had an unspoken boyfriend / girlfriend relationship. We never kissed or held hands, but we hugged and sometimes I’d lie awkwardly in his arms while we watched movies at his house. I cringed to think back at what a dick head I was. We both had feelings for each other, but both of us were too shy to voice them. Aaron used to do the cutest things for me; I had been obsessed with Disney at the time, Pluto especially.

I rolled my eyes and shook my head at the thought of my strange phases.

Aaron used to draw me little Disney cartoons, albeit, badly – but nevertheless, the thought was there. We used to write each other letters even though we saw each other daily. One time just after we began high school together, my friends began to tell me how much he liked me, that their boyfriends—Aaron’s friends had told them so. Inevitably it created an awkward situation during lunchtime and we were forced to kiss.

I had been so shy and so nervous and so utterly scared of kissing him. He convinced me that it would shut them up and they would leave us alone, but I knew it was just because he thought it might be his only chance. The kiss was terrible. It was awkward and clumsy and I’d made the stupid mistake of opening my eyes during. He looked like a fish.

But it was the start of our relationship. It lasted almost four years. It was perfect for the most part- I could never have asked for a better boyfriend. We had the kind of relationship where we just knew that we’d never break up. I suppose if he stayed the person he was, we probably would have been together forever like we’d always proclaim. We even picked the names of our children and agreed on what suburb we’d move to after we got married.

I remembered the endless tears that I’d cried over him, sometimes still cried over him. They say you never really recover from your first love, and that was for damn sure.

It wasn’t just things that had happened with Aaron that had made me lock away my heart either. I knew I had intimacy problems, I knew exactly why but I wasn’t really completely interested in addressing them.

Even growing up I didn’t really have a lot of friends, and the people that I associated with all through school were about as lame and as annoying as the adults that I met to that day. One thing was for certain though, I surely wasn’t as bitter as I was as a teenager, though. I still had that naïve and trusting nature about me, even after what I’d been through. I’d always been a bit of a loner. I was the kid who could read and write in kindy, the one who saw math as a pleasure rather than a pain in the ass. Consequently, I was labeled as weird. It didn’t help that I hated school. I felt like it wasn’t challenge enough for me. I had to laugh, even from an early age I’d been looking down my nose at others.

I used to win all the awards at school. I remember the pride that filled the faces of my parents the day that I won an award for loaning more than 100 library books from the school’s library in less than a year. Despite the skepticism of my classmates, I had read every single book that I loaned. My parents were so proud – and even prouder at the end of my 6th grade assembly when I cleaned up in the academic excellence awards category.

Shit, I was a bright spark, there was no use pretending, but there was always a downside. I let kids push me around all through school. The friends I made would be nice for a few weeks and suddenly they’d exclude me from their groups during playtime.

I vividly recalled being alone in my room after school one day shortly after my parents had separated; I was only ten. I was on the end of my bed, cleaning out my school bag for the day. I had taken out my plastic lunch box and it reminded me of what had happened during the day. I had moved from group to group of children, asking if I could play and each time they had said no. I burst in to tears at the thought and my beloved Mommy had entered the room upon hearing my sobs. I remembered questioning her over and over why the other kids didn’t like me, but she was stumped.

I felt myself tearing up at the not-so-fond memories. My poor Mom; I couldn’t imagine how frustrating and heartbreaking it would have been to be helpless to your very own child’s loneliness. My Mom and Dad were wonderful though; my Mom played dolls with me when I didn’t have any friends to invite over on weekends. We baked brownies and played dress ups and everything, I liked it better that way, anyway.

Things got a little better in Junior High because I’d learned to be a little bit more modest about my intelligence and feigned idiocy whenever teachers asked me questions. I slunk to the back of classrooms and tried to fly under the radar. It seemed to work swimmingly. I made friends but it wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. That’s when I began learning how incredibly stupid the human race was.

Shit, I couldn’t believe some people were even given permission to breathe the same air as I did. Of course, usually I kept that little ditty quiet.

I was totally ahead of myself. I was crying over Michael Jackson as though he’d asked me out or was even actually interested in me. It was almost like I wanted to feel like ass. Reflecting back on the past twenty three years of an existence in vain didn’t really seem to be helping either – in fact, it was just making my tears taste all the more salty.

At that moment, nothing was for certain except that I needed to take my self-pitying, worthless bitch ass to bed and sleep that shit off. Everything always felt better in the morning – and if it didn’t? Well, it wouldn’t have been the first time.

It was so much fun to baby-sit and it was even more fun to do it while in the company of someone as interesting as Jade.

I suppose I was more of an observer than a talker but that didn’t seem to bother her because I think she was too. At first I felt awkward and nervous, but it eased pretty quickly. As we became a little comfortable with each others presence, I found myself talking a whole lot more than I usually did, and opened up to her. She was a good listener and seemed to be interested in everything that I was saying.

It had definitely been a nice night. It made me feel a little bit more confident about asking her out. She seemed like the type who was scared off pretty easily, so I had to be careful of the way I asked her because I didn’t want to push my luck. I had to go about it in a backhanded way, I had to act aloof, make it seem like it was no big deal if she wanted to spend more time with me or not.

Girls were so complicated.

That night I was feeling a little bit lonely. Dave and Kendra had left just a few hours earlier and I was bored. I hated television and I didn’t have anything better to do. I hated to admit it, but I had more free time than people actually realized when I wasn’t on promotional tours. Since the giant success of my first single from Thriller, my record company had let me be as choosy as I wanted when it came to what I accepted to do in terms of promotion. Thankfully since it was doing so well on its own—I didn’t really have to do too much.

I was such a lazy shit at times. Usually after too long in a hotel room I got cabin fever and felt the need to expend some energy, put some music on so loud that I could feel my blood pulsating throughout my body until I released it through dance… but not this time.

I got up and headed in to the bedroom looking for something to do. There was an Atari console sitting in the corner of my room that I eyed. I went over to it and sat down and flipped through the billions of games that I’d bought in Japan. My heart wasn’t really in it though… I only really had fun playing video games with my nieces and nephews. They may have been a lot younger than I was, but they always managed to whip my ass.

Before I could make up my mind about what to play, the phone rang. I went and picked it up hoping that it wasn’t anyone for work. The last thing I wanted to do was talk business.

“Hello?”

I heard an almost cocky voice on the other end and I had to smile. “Hello Mr. Pan, I have been assigned to call some patrons at random and find out if they are satisfied with the service that they have thus far received at The Beverly Hills Hotel?” I knew she was smiling on the other end. The sound of her voice, seemingly more upbeat than usual made me feel real good inside.

“Oh really now?” I questioned her, unconvinced. “And how many calls have you made so far?” I played with her, knowing damn well she was just messing around with me.

“This is the first, sir. So how would you rate the service of the Hotel from one to ten?” She continued on, playing her spontaneous little gag on me. Admittedly, it wasn’t that funny, but it was cute that she was using it as her little scapegoat rather than just calling me to say hi.

“Service-wise I give it a ten out of ten, employees have been great.” I told her, grinning in to the phone, “In fact, I was just wondering then if this hotel provides company to occupy their patrons?” I was bored, and I had an idea. It worked the first time, and it might work another time.

“This isn’t a hooker service you know, it’s a hotel.” She replied with a chuckle, lowering her voice, probably so no one else around could hear her.

I laughed. “I know that. But I’m so bored, Jade. Wanna come and play video games with me?”

Her laughter was sweet and infectious. It made me smile and I enjoyed the sound of her voice immensely.

“I don’t finish until for another hour.” She answered me. I was a little surprised that it had been that easy. She hadn’t tried to find an excuse to say no, nor had she cut me down quicker than I had found the courage to say something bold.

“Well come up when you’re done.” I paused, “I mean, you know, if you want to.” I didn’t want her to feel like I was being too pushy.

“Okay, I’ll see how I feel.” She replied, “I’ll give you a call when I finish.”

**

I made sure I had something for us to eat. I made my personal assistant go out and buy some groceries for me and made sure my suite was looking clean. I was still in pajamas at 7pm, a minor detail that I didn’t care for anyone to find out. I got dressed in a pair of jeans and a black Mickey Mouse T-shirt and didn’t really bother too much about wetting my hair down. I usually liked to slick my hair back, but my curls weren’t too fuzzy.

I heard her knock at my door about ten minutes after she called me. I went and let her in. She surprised me; she wasn’t wearing her regular work uniform. Instead, she wore a form-fitting red tank top and a pair of black pants. Damn, I really liked what I saw. I wasn’t one of those guys who ever defined a woman by the size of her breasts or how long her legs were or any of that superficial kind of thing, but it didn’t hurt to meet a girl who was highly intelligent who I also felt attracted to physically.

I knew Jade didn’t think too highly of herself, but she was probably far more attractive than she even recognized.

“Hey Hot stuff!” I joked, hoping that she’d take it as the mock-serious compliment that it was.

She gave me a funny look and raised both of her eyebrows; “I’d appreciate if you saved the pet names.” She replied, “And hi.” She pushed past me, letting herself in to my suite. I laughed at her reaction. I couldn’t help it; her bitterness always made amused me.

“Settle down, I’m just kidding, Jade.” I watched her from behind as she walked in and couldn’t help but smile. She had awesome shoulders. I knew that sounded crazy, but her shoulders were really nice. I wondered if within time, she’d let me put my arm around them. I smiled.

She grinned at me when she turned around to face me. “So how did you enjoy your day?” She asked, knowing that I’d spent most of the day with my friends and my beautiful God Daughter.

“It was really nice.” I replied, “I won’t let as much time pass next time. I don’t think I could bare to go another six months without seeing Isabel.” I admitted. “And it was so good to see my friends again.” I lead her in to the living area where I had set up my Atari system. I hadn’t plugged it in or anything, who knew if she had any remote interest in video games?

“How about you? How are you? How was your day?” I wondered. “How come you’re not in uniform?”

“What is this?” She shot back, “The Spanish Inquisition? How many questions do you want me to answer at a time?” She laughed in almost disbelief.

I felt my cheeks flush. I had fired them a little too eagerly. “I’m sorry.”

She smiled and sat down in the same spot she had made herself comfortable in the night before. I followed suit. She tucked a stray lock of hair behind her ear and seemed to settle. “I’m fine. My day was fine and I only worked in the office today so I didn’t need to wear full uniform.” She answered all of my questions easily. I noticed that it was completely rare for her to elaborate on anything that I asked about. She always drew the easiest answer she could come up with, one that shared as little information as possible.

I noticed that she looked at me a little different than the night before. Her eyes weren’t as suspicious as they had been. They showed a little warmth; even her smiles were much more genuine. She looked gorgeous with her cute little tank. My eyes lingered along her thin arms, noticing that goose bumps had risen to the surface of her skin. She must have been cold.

“Are you warm enough?” I asked. I gently touched the skin of her wrist as if to show her that she had goose bumps, but she yanked her wrist toward her body, as if it physically pained her to have another person make contact.

“I’m fine.” She replied again. She glanced at me with an expression that conveyed almost a sense of shame for being so damn touchy. I wondered what her story was. I’d never met anyone so devoid of emotion. Well, devoid was probably not that true. I knew that she just went to amazing extents to conceal her feelings.

“Okay.” I answered her in a calm voice. She was obviously very aware that she had overreacted and I didn’t want to draw any more attention to it. I tried to muster up some enthusiasm. It was hard, actually… I wanted her to like me just so much, but I wasn’t even sure why. She was so much work.  “So!” I began as if I were about to throw an announcement out there, “Ever played an Atari?”

She shook her head, “What’s an Atari?” She asked me with a funny look. I pointed to the cutting edge piece of technology that sat on the carpet before the television set just waiting to be hooked up.

“What does it do?” She wondered, giving it a funny look. I couldn’t wait to show her.

“It’s like… you play arcade video games from the TV with these…” I picked up one of the controllers. It was so arcade-style. It was a flat, square box with the arcade knob and button erected in the center.

“Whoa… where did you get that?” She asked, taking the control. I showed her the box of games and made a move to turn the television on. I could tell that she was truly impressed.

Sometimes Jade had moments with me where it was clear that she had forgotten to keep herself guarded and I got to savor moments of a really sweet girl who was on the same level that I was on. I guess that’s all it was that kept me trying so hard.

 “These are the craze in Japan, along with this thing called a Nintendo.” I explained. “Pick any game you want…And I’ll lay the smack down.” I joked.

Jade laughed. “Probably. I’m hopeless at these things…” She looked through the box of black cartridges and tried to make a decision. “What about this?” She asked me. It was a game called Pele’s soccer, and thankfully two-player.

“Ooh sure. We can play against each other.” I said, taking it from her and showing her how it worked. I turned on the power and waited for the game to load. I stole a look at her; she was a little wide-eyed and looked eager to play. I quickly explained how to play; it was pretty straightforward.

“A bit of healthy competition.” She remarked as our game tipped off. I had laughed at her comment, but there was a bit of underlying honesty in her tone. She did seem to be slightly competitive. On her face was an expression of absolute determination. Her jaw was tightened and she was very careful about the way she moved her controller and cursed each time I won a point.

I, too, was competitive, but I was happy to let her win. I had plenty of time to burst her video-game-playing ego later on when our friendship was strong enough for me to beat the living pride out of her through my video games. For now, I was just happy that we were really actually having fun.

Ah, Atari 7800 was there anything you couldn’t do?

I found myself smiling as she slowly defeated me. We had decided to play the best of three, but she’d beaten me twice in a row which made her the automatic winner. She didn’t have a problem boasting about it either.

“Pffffffft, “I scoffed, rolling my eyes at her, “I let you win.” I made it seem as though I was kidding, but I had actually let her win. I had to be realistic, it wasn’t very fair to invite a girl over, make her play video games and kick her ass at it. That wouldn’t have been very gentlemanly of me at all.

“You did not!” She nudged me with her elbow playfully. I was surprised. We had sat side by side on the carpet for almost an hour, our arms brushing, but it was all very awkward. It was only just then that I felt comfortable.

I overacted a sigh and put down the control. “Okay, fine, you beat me but please don’t tell the papers.” I kidded her.

She laughed, “Like they care about that. They’d be more interested in knowing why I was in your hotel room playing video games with you.”

She made a great point. I really liked that she knew the way the media worked. It saved me a lot of time having to explain myself. “Yeah, you’re right.” I chuckled with her. “Imagine the story to go along with that!”

Jade smiled at the thought and stretched out and gave a yawn. She covered her mouth, keeping her manners. I turned my body slightly toward her. “They’re always up in your shit for something.”

I was surprised by her effortless curse word. I hardly ever cursed, and maybe I was just sheltered, but I liked to think that nobody else did either – except my father. My father cursed all the time – but I had little to no contact with him at that point, anyway. Or so I tried. “Yeah…” I agreed. “You’re right.” I guess both of our thoughts must have trailed off for a few seconds. I glanced at her and realized she was looking right back at me. Well, not at my face… It was the third time she had noticed the slight discoloration under my chin and down my neck.

Funny, she had been the only person so far that I was sure had noticed. I had only just been diagnosed with the problem and had not told a single person yet. It was a shameful illness and having her catch notice made me feel lots of conflicting things. Part of it was almost relief, that someone had noticed and that I could try to hide it, but they’d still know. There was no way I could hide a deteriorating problem forever and even though my doctor had told me that it was a gradual disease, it had spread a little since the first time I noticed it.

Jade looked away as soon as she caught me staring. I knew how curious she was. I was willing to put myself out on a limb for her. My throat felt a little dry and I said it a thousand times in my head in about three seconds, but it was so hard admitting it to another person. “Skin disease.” I blurted out.

Dumb ass. I cursed myself for the inability to string together a coherent sentence.

“Oh, Michael, I’m sorry – you don’t have to tell me-“ She was full of apology, but there wasn’t really a need for it. Usually when I had to see people, I covered it up and evened out my skin with make up, but Jade had caught sight of it once before by chance – and since then, I hadn’t bothered trying to conceal it from her.

“It’s okay. I have a skin disease.” I tried again, with a little less bluntness. “It’s all a bit new to me, but … it’s called vitiligo and it leaves a discoloration on my skin.” I explained. “That’s why it looks like I have a birthmark up my neck.”

“Oh…” She gave me what I guessed was a sympathetic look. Her eyes lingered over the scarring again, a little less curiously. “Can it get better?”

I shook my head. I didn’t want to say no aloud, because actually speaking the words made it all the more real. She wanted to extend me some kind of affection, I knew she did, but there was so much reluctance. Instead she looked down at her hands; “Will it get worse then?”

I nodded, looking at her hands too. She had such small hands. My somber disease seemed to put quite a dampener on everything pretty quickly. I was about to say something upbeat to change the mood, but she startled me with something. “I have Ventricular Septal Defects.” She blurted out.

I stared at her for a second trying to figure out if I’d misheard her. It dawned on me a few seconds later as she was about to tell me, those were the titles of her heart conditions. Duh, Michael.

“Heart defects.” She supplied as I nodded my head. I don’t know why I nodded, it’s not like I understood what the medical terms meant.

“What are they exactly, explain it to me?” I was interested. I didn’t know if was serious or not. I hoped it wasn’t.

She looked at me for a moment, looking around for genuine interest in my eyes. I knew mine were filled with concern and hope that it wasn’t as serious and as grim as it sounded. Then again, every word that left the doctor’s mouth always sounded grim to me.

“VSD is when there’s a hole in the septum which is the lower region of the heart. The left and right ventricle both pump different kinds of blood, and they get mixed because of leakage. So basically the heart works over time and blood vessels can get all damaged.” She explained to me. I knew that she probably had a bunch of rehearsed medical jargon that she could have recited, but she was making an effort to break it all down.

I noticed that her cheeks were slightly flushed. “What’s the matter?” I interrupted. I was completely intrigued with her description and even more so with the fact that she was sharing it with me.

“What do you mean?” She asked, looking up in to my eyes. As soon as she had began to explain she looked away from me, the same way I had when I’d explained what it meant to suffer Vitiligo.

“You look… a bit … embarrassed.”

“I’m sorry.” I saw her swallow hard, as if there was a lump in her throat. It was at that moment, I realized that she wasn’t used to talking to anyone about it, probably not anyone else but professionals. “I’m not embarrassed, but …I feel a bit bad for springing it on you.”

I shook my head. “I want to know.” I gave her a bit of a nod of encouragement, “So… is it serious?”

She half-shrugged. “I guess. They found it when I was young. The severity depends on how big the hole is. I had surgery when I was about 4 years old. They found out a little late, so there’s a bit of damage to my heart.” She continued, avoiding my eyes. “They put a band around the Pulmonary artery…and I have to have it checked pretty often.”

I could see her hesitating to say something else. I remained silent, because I knew if I interrupted then she probably would either forget about it, or change her mind. I waited, my eyes staring at her expectantly. “I have to have to have the band taken off at some point in the near future and have it corrected.”

I felt like a jerk for thinking that my medical problem was so life altering. I felt selfish and silly and knew that Vitiligo was damaging for my self-esteem and personal vanity more so than for my very own health. “Is it a serious surgery?” I wondered.

I guess it was one of those moments like when she had asked me if my skin disease would get worse. It was a case of not wanting to hear the spoken truth. She seemed to consider it for a few moments and gave a modest shrug, but half a nod. It was almost like she was trying to play it off. For those moments, I saw fear and concern fill her face, even if it was just a flicker of an emotion. I knew it was there and I knew it was deeper than she let on.

“Can I ask you something?” I asked gently. It was a tender moment between us. I never thought that it would get this deep. In a sick way, I was kind of glad that she had shared those things with me, it helped me understand her just a little more.

“Sure.”

“Because of that, was growing up different? I mean, did you feel different?”

Jade shrugged again. I noticed it was her way of taking the seriousness away from something, as if to show that maybe a certain issue was one of her heart, but the impact of it didn’t really matter. I knew it did though. “Lot’s of things made me feel different, but I don’t really need to pity myself or wallow about it.” She replied. “There’s always someone worse off than yourself.”

I truly agreed with her, but there were some thoughts of conflict. “That’s true.” I nodded, “But sometimes you just have to stop and deal with your own stuff and spend some time accepting your own problems for what they are instead of pretending that they don’t matter just because someone else has suffering that is greater.” I realized as I ended my sentence that what I had said seemed as though I was insinuating that she wasn’t dealing with her own stuff. That wasn’t how I had meant to come across, but unfortunately, Jade wasn’t so convinced to say the least.

She shot me a scathing glare, looking me up and down almost with disgust. It was clear that I had just thrown a wet blanket over our humble little deep and meaningful. “There’s so much about you that I don’t like.”

I raised an eyebrow, “Pardon me?” I was offended, how could I not be? I’d been so nice and hospitable and I actually cared!

“How can you sit there and try to psyche me out as if you know me or anything about me!” I could read Jade like a book. She was exactly like me, except, I silently backed away from people when I realized that I had shown them too much of me. And too much of the real me wasn’t only a small conversation about a personal illness. I didn’t quite get it.

“Calm down, I didn’t mean it how it sounded.” I placed my hand on her shoulder, hoping to comfort her. She flinched away faster than I could blink. “You know, you have this way of getting in to my head, I don’t know how you do it, but I told you from the start I didn’t want to see you!”

She stood up. Her anger was growing. I thought it was a great defense and it certainly took away the attention from the fact that she was probably about to burst in to tears. I’d clearly hit an extremely raw nerve with our conversation. “Because I like you!” I blurted out, getting up too. She just glared at me as if I’d committed some kind of crime by being so flatly honest. “I like you, Jade!” I repeated, “Is that so bad?”

Her green eyes bore in to mine, holding some kind of Mexican stand off, both of us waiting for the other to say something. “I told you I couldn’t stay last night, but you persisted. I told you I didn’t want you calling me. Why couldn’t you just have left me alone? I don’t need you or your cheesy fucking popstar career complicating my life!”

It was my turn to narrow my eyes; I looked at her as if she were nuts. But who the hell was more nuts, I wondered, was it me, for actually thinking that I was being complimentary and being honest and … God, she was really something. “Man…” I shook my head with annoyance, “I was wrong about you…”

“Yeah, you were.” She retorted in a calmer voice. “I should have seen your bad clothes and greasy hair a mile away…” She turned her heel, probably to stomp off.

I actually laughed out loud with disbelief. “Oh my goodness,” I followed after her, “How old are you, again Jade? Two?”

She didn’t answer; she opened up the door to my suite and was about to slam it behind her when I caught it. “Yeah, that’s right, run away from me like you’ve done to every other single person in your life.” I called after her.

Surprisingly she turned back around. Her eyes were filled with tears. “Screw you! You don’t know a single thing about my life!” She spoke to me vehemently through clenched teeth.

I retreated back to my suite and closed the door, not being able to look at her. I wanted to apologize immediately as soon as I had seen tears… only I still wasn’t completely sure what it was that I’d done that was so wrong.

And you know what? I didn’t even really care. That was the moment when I conceded defeat.

Aaron stopped calling me as often after we both graduated High School. We had applied for the same college and had decided that after our first year we would look in to getting an apartment together. I had been so excited about our plans. I shouldn’t have been so naïve. It wasn’t as if I’d lived a perfect existence and hadn’t already seen people for what they were. I knew that someone, anyone really, that a person loved and trusted could turn quicker than they could blink.

He’d been on the track team at school, but never really followed it up, but he seemed to want to take it up on weekends. I was completely supportive of the idea because I really thought he was good at it. He made some friends pretty quickly which wasn’t surprising because he was so easy-going.

I couldn’t really seem to pinpoint where it all went to shit. I guess it had been mid-summer. He had cancelled visiting me four nights in a row. I didn’t really like to go out often and he didn’t mind at all. He usually came to my house every night and had dinner with my Mom and I, and together we’d watch TV until it got late. Sometimes we went to the cinema or once in a blue moon we went out with school friends.

I felt a bit put out at first, but I pushed it aside thinking that it was nothing, that I was being far too clingy. I convinced myself, that I too needed to be a little more independent of our relationship. I tried to think of things that I could do to support the decision, but nothing came. If the truth be told, our school friends were more his friends. I just tagged along. The girls weren’t too fond of me because of my constant inability to hold my tongue when a witty, but insulting, remark screamed to be let out.

My Mom had noticed something was wrong, but I had assured her that it was nothing. I was always really convinced that she loved Aaron, but after we broke up she finally told me her true feelings.

After calling me only twice in more than three weeks and seeing me only three times, he turned up at my house after a party that one of his new track friends had invited him to. It was after midnight and he had woken up my Mom and I by banging on the door. I quickly made an excuse for his behavior to my Mom by explaining that he was really upset about something. I lead him to my bedroom, noticing that he was stumbling all the way. I closed the door behind us and watched him trip back on to my bed.

“What the hell are you doing?” I had questioned him angrily. He looked at me with blood-shot eyes and gave an obnoxious laugh. I smelt the alcohol on his breath and made a face. He was so drunk and probably laced that I could hardly get anything out of him.

“You’ve changed…” His voice trailed off, barely being able to keep a straight tone.

“No, Aaron!” I snapped, “You have changed. How fucking dare you come around to my house at this time! It’s 1:30!” I admonished him. My anger fell upon deaf ears though. He slithered his way back on to my double bed and smiled. He patted the other side. “Come to bed.”

I narrowed my eyes and took a deep breath. I wanted to slap him so hard. I was so offended not only that he had turned up so late, but that he was drunk. I hated alcohol and I hated when it involved people that I loved. Aaron also shared those same sentiments with me, which is why I felt cheated.

I sat down on a beanbag that I had on the floor and let the tears fill my eyes. Aaron went to sleep pretty much as soon as he got comfortable. I wanted to kick him out and make him leave, but I didn’t want him driving anywhere in the state that he was in. The next morning he was full of apology. He vowed that he would never ever act so carelessly again. I knew that he realized he had truly hurt me and not only that, but showed little respect for my Mom.

The promise was shortly broken though and I just found myself justifying his behavior. I confided in my Father who was always about giving people the benefit of the doubt. He told me that it was normal for boys Aaron’s age to experiment with alcohol. He told me that I shouldn’t really judge him unless it was starting to effect me adversely. He assured me that social drinking was perfectly okay.

I didn’t have the courage to tell my father that it had already adversely affected me.

I got used to his behavior and tried my best to see him only when I knew he hadn’t been with friends. The good times between us were still great and I enjoyed his company for the most part, but his views on things were starting to change. The simplest things that we once had in common didn’t exist anymore and I was desperately trying to ignore the fact that we were growing apart.

He had tried to become more physical with me on numerous occasions but I had resisted. I knew that it was beginning to piss him off. Aaron had always been patient with me, it was hard sometimes, but I’d always had it in my head that I wanted to wait til marriage. It wasn’t that I was religious, it was just what I wanted. It was hard, really. I guess maybe there was something in my heart that told me that it wasn’t going to work out.

My Mom was going away one particular weekend just before I turned twenty and suggested that Aaron stay with me. Both of my parents hated leaving me alone and I agreed to invite him to stay just for the sake of peace. It was around this time that Aaron had begun bossing me around. I was absolutely miserable with him and I had been for months but I was too scared to just let go. I had Gaby, but I didn’t really make a lot of effort with her, and besides that – I had no one. I was so scared of being lonely and ending up without someone to love, or in return someone who loved me.

I was the highly affectionate type. Maybe it was too overbearing. I used to enjoy cuddling up close to Aaron and touching him and being able to feel his body next to mine. It was strange how everything had just dramatically changed.

Anyway, I really started to resent him for telling me where and when to be at certain times, for making me do things for him, like picking him up at 3am when he was drunk or worse – on something. If I complained he would get aggressive. I had justified it by telling myself he was just trying to be responsible by making sure he wouldn’t be driving himself home.

Aaron told me he would arrive later to my Mom’s house because he was hanging out with some friends. By 11pm I was ready to call him and tell him to not bother, but I didn’t. After midnight he came in, he gave me a kiss hello and tried to turn it in to something more. I pulled away immediately in disgust of the stench of his alcohol breath.

“What’s the matter?” He asked, following me to the living room. I made myself comfortable lying on the couch watching TV as I had been before he arrived. He gave me a crooked smile, one that told me how much he had been drinking. He straddled himself over me and leaned down to kiss me again.

“Aaron get off me, you’re drunk.” I told him as if it was news to him.

“I’ve just had a couple beers, I’m okay.” He said to me. It wasn’t even that he was being a jerk, because he wasn’t. Whenever he was drunk in my company all I wanted to do was cry and my heart sank just a little more.

“I don’t care if you only had one, just get off me.” I shoved him a little harder.

“I don’t fucking understand you!” He snapped at me, “You wanted me to come here and you’re acting like some cold bitch.”

I wanted to get up and walk away but I couldn’t because he was on top of me. Tears slipped down the sides of my face. I hated when he spoke to me like that. I hated it when he turned aggressive. It was a feeling of resentment building up because I knew in my heart that something was about to follow. It wasn’t the first time Aaron had hit me. It was his behavior, that again I tried to justify.

As soon as he saw my tears his anger was fueled. He ranted and raved about not having to explain himself to me, and that I should have either accepted it or moved on. After the third time he hit me, I had threatened breaking up with him. He promised he’d never do it again and I’d believed him.

Fuck, I was such a stupid little bitch.

“I want you to go.” I told him in a soft voice, too scared to really scream back the way that I really wanted to.

“If I go, who the fuck do you think will have you?” He asked me angrily, “Look at you…” He looked me over in a way that made me want to pull my clothes tighter around me. “Pathetic bitch. You could be having fun too, but all you do is whine and fucking complain.”

“Just leave!” I blurted out, “Get out! I’d rather be alone than be with you!” He glared at me and shook his head. I felt more hurt than anything else, “God, and you think I’m pathetic, look at yourself. You can hardly go one night a week without being off your face.”

He finally got up off of me, I thought it was going to be that easy. I went to follow him toward the door.

“Fuck you, you know…” He said as he was about to head out. “If it weren’t for me, you’d be as lonely as your fucking mother with her fucking 9 ass cats.”

My eyes widened in shock. I felt as if I’d been slapped before it actually happened. My Mom was lonely. She had two spoiled cats, and she rarely did anything except work and sit in at home. I was offended that he would stoop so low as to insult my mother in hopes of getting to me. “Get the fuck out of my home, you fucking drunk.” I spat the words at him with such strong venom.

The force of the back of his hand across my face sent me reeling back. I hadn’t expected it, and I actually fell to the ground. I don’t think he realized his own force. It wasn’t like I was any 6ft match to him. After both he and I got over the initial shock of what happened, I tasted blood and I knew it wasn’t some little tap. Aaron on the other hand, kept apologizing over and over assuring me he hadn’t hit me hard.

I remembered sitting there, by the front door, with my knees tucked under my chin sobbing. Instead of insisting that Aaron leave. I let him stay.

Basically, from that day forward I deserved everything I got in our relationship.

Less than a month later, Aaron moved out of his house and into an apartment with one of his drunkard buddies. This devastated me as our grand plans of moving in together had been foiled. I guess after so long there was still a part of me that really believed that he was going through a phase - a terribly long one.

He was temperamental, argumentative and downright abusive. Mostly when he called or when we spent time together he would find something for us to fight about. He always accused me of antagonizing him and talking back to him. Mom had seen my bruises, she made inquiries as to what was going on, but I shut her out faster than she could blink. She knew deep down what he was doing, but I suppose it was easier for her to believe I was okay. There wasn’t much she could have done anyway; I would have never listened. Aaron was smart though it was rare he’d hit my face. I don’t really know how I’d kept it such a good secret. No one at work suspected a thing, or at least they never said anything if they did. Even when a bruise did show up, I always had a great and elaborate excuse.

I went for a routine check to a doctor around the time that it all came crashing down. I was only expecting my doctor to listen to my heart with her stethoscope, but she wanted to run an ECG. It was kind of normal for her to do that once every few years, but she ran the ECG the last time I visited. I felt my heart palpitating, as I knew that, what I felt like was my shameful secret, was about to be uncovered. I unbuttoned my white shirt with shaky hands. It was rare that I looked in the mirror getting dressed, I knew the bruises were there though, because lately his hand had been heavier, his drinking had turned to hard substance abuse and it sometimes hurt to move.

I breathed a shaky sigh as I removed my top. My doctor gasped. “Jade! What’s all this?” She asked gently.

“It’s nothing.” I replied quickly. I don’t know if it was worse than I imagined, but she pressed her finger against what I thought might have been a bad bruise. I immediately flinched. I could feel my eyes welling up with tears.

“Jade, who’s doing this?” She asked, “Your boyfriend? Your father?”

I just shook my head to both suggestions and blinked back my tears. “I don’t need to talk about it.” I answered, trying to keep from exploding the story out. I didn’t want Aaron to get in to trouble; I still regressed back to our high school days when he’d been the most amazing boyfriend. I pretended that one day it could all go back to that.

The problem was, was that I hated it when I’d see women who were in abusive relationships try to justify the behavior and their reasons for staying. But it was like I never placed myself in that category; I didn’t classify myself as being in abusive relationship. I was starting to weaken under Aaron’s mental conditioning. He told me repeatedly that I was worthless, that no one would want me, that it was my fault that he got so angry and I was ashamed to admit that I actually started to believe him.

“Sweetheart,” The doctor patronized me, “I think you need help.” She told me.

“Let’s just do the ECG.” I ignored her, resuming an emotionless voice. There wasn’t a lot my doctor could do. I just lay back staring at the ceiling as she ran her test. I didn’t bother wiping away tears that ran down my cheeks. I had never felt so ashamed in my entire life. I didn’t want anyone to know that my relationship with Aaron wasn’t perfect.

Aaron invited me over to his apartment about three months later for the first time. We were going to watch a movie and spend a night dedicated to just us. He promised me this was my night. He was going to stay at home, he promised that no matter what we’d have a good time.

I was dumb if I thought that no one could see the change in me. Both Mom and Dad had tried talking to me, but I had become devoid of emotion. I didn’t cry. I didn’t really feel anything most of the time. Life just felt so numb. I was ashamed to admit that I’d thought of suicide on more than one occasion. I just saw no other way out. I was trapped with Aaron. Each time I tried to leave him he would just turn up again the next day apologizing and I was far too scared to tell him I meant it. He had far too much mind control over me.

I turned up to his apartment and his roommate was there. They both showed me around. The first thing I noticed was a bottle of Jack Daniel’s sitting on the kitchen counter and a half-glass sitting beside it. I wanted to believe that it belonged to his roommate, but when I gave Aaron a brief kiss hello, I smelled it on his breath. I wanted to cry, all the promises had been immediately broken.

His roommate left us by ourselves shortly after and we turned a movie on. I tried not to let the alcohol change anything. I sat beside him and leaned against him. He put an arm around me and we watched the movie in peace. He even got up a few times to get me drinks and we ate ice cream. I felt happy; it was one of the nicest nights we had for such a long time.

“You know, I know I can be a jerk sometimes, but you know how much I love you, don’t you?” He asked after the movie had ended. I looked up at him and found myself smiling. I gave him a nod. He stroked my hair and kissed my forehead. I felt so validated. Like a lost little puppy that had been given a pat on the head. It’s a wonder I didn’t start panting and fetch a ball.

“Come on, let’s go to sleep.” He suggested.

I followed him. I hadn’t expected to be staying, but I didn’t want to argue and ruin a perfect night. We got settled in his bedroom. It was rare that we stayed over at each other’s places because we had agreed earlier on that it just made it too difficult to not get too carried away.

I was such a foolish moron.

He spooned me, wrapping his arms around my waist and pulled me close to him. As I closed my eyes and tried to go to sleep, I felt his kisses on the back of my neck and I had to admit that it felt good. I didn’t really want to encourage him though so I ignored it. It wasn’t long until I felt his erection pressing against me.

“Aaron…” I warned him in a soft tone, trying to let him know that it wasn’t cool.

“Don’t you think we’ve waited enough?” He asked, grazing his lips against my cheek. His one of his hands slipped up my shirt and over my breasts. Immediately I felt uncomfortable. I pushed it away, “Stop it.” I said with a little more force. He tried to thumb his way in to my underwear but I clenched my thighs together with all my might. “Aaron stop it!” I became more distressed.

He turned me on to my back to gain more control, and there wasn’t much that I could really do. “So what, you agree to come and sleep in my bed, and you don’t want to do anything? Don’t be such a fucking tease!” He leaned in to kiss my neck, his hands all over me, touching places that left me feeling highly violated. The more I resisted, the angrier he became. He hit me across the face with a closed fist and it was at that moment that a little bit of reality seemed to seep in.

I felt more frightened and more scared than I’d ever felt in my entire life. I knew that it was going to go as far as rape if I didn’t just get out of there. I knew if I let him have his way, I would have just continued to blame myself. “GET OFF ME!” I screamed at him. “GET THE FUCK OFF ME!”

I knew he’d been a little surprised by the loudness of my voice and the anger that filled it. I started hitting him over and over and over. I used as much force as I could and eventually kneed him hard in the groin. I knew that he beat me quite badly, but my groin shot had been hard enough to incapacitate him for a good few minutes. I took that time to push him off me as he swore and threatened me, to grab my keys and run out that door faster than I ever knew I had the agility to.

I got in my car just as he reached the front door. I was petrified. I knew if he had of caught me he would have probably beaten me worse than I could have expected. I drove home recklessly and kept checking my rearview mirror to make sure he wasn’t following me. I only looked away for a moment, but that’s all it took for me to hit an oncoming SUV.

I was in Intensive Care for one week with a ruptured spleen, a punctured lung due to a few fractured ribs. My tailbone had been cracked as well. I’d had emergency surgery to remove my spleen and my lung had thankfully recovered. Those were the main injuries. I’d had a severe head injury. Because of my fractured ribs, moving in any which way was extremely difficult and painful.

And I hated Aaron.

I remember the looks of absolute astonishment on the faces of my parents as they watched me come-to. I was highly doped up on all kinds of anesthetics and my head was hazy. I was on oxygen to help with my breathing. I felt disorientated and I felt as though my body was bandaged from head to toe. I tried to lift my arm but I felt a searing pain shooting down my left side. I later realized it was because of the wounds the paramedics had made to drain the air from my lung.

Out of all the things I could think of, the only thing I worried about was that my secret would have been discovered. The bruises on my face could have been a result of the car accident, but the ones that were existing all over my body could not.

I felt my Dad kiss me on the forehead and tears filled his eyes. He and Mom were holding hands and I felt happy about that. They didn’t really hate each other, but there’d been animosity between them—but I could tell it didn’t exist anymore.

“Am I okay?” I asked in a hoarse voice. It took me a few times. My throat was bone dry and it felt scratchy. I wanted to know if I was ever going to walk again. For all I knew, I was paralyzed. Fear didn’t really factor in to it though; I was still a little hazy as to what had happened.

Both of them nodded. “You’re going to be okay sweet heart. You’ll make a full recovery.” She told me patting my hand as tears slid down her cheeks. “Don’t try to move, okay?”

I didn’t answer. I drifted in out of consciousness for a few days due to the high doses of morphine they had put me on to regulate my pain. The night that I was taken from the ICU came a very unexpected visit that I didn’t really give a lot of thought to.

Dad was with me and we watched TV together while my mind fuzzed. I saw Aaron in the corner of my room and was convinced that I was seeing things. I felt my body tense up and a pain rippled through me that I wasn’t sure was physical. I had given no thought to Aaron what so ever. It had almost been as if he didn’t exist anymore – and the times that Mom and Dad tried to talk to me about the car accident, I hadn’t really been all there. As soon as I saw him though, it all came flooding back. He smiled at me and placed a bunch of flowers next to my bed.

He and Dad shook hands and he went to kiss my forehead. “I’ve been so worried about you, they said I couldn’t see you ‘til you left the Intensive Care Unit.” He told me, his face so filled with concern. All I knew was that I had almost lost my life and it was all because of him. I couldn’t even speak; my body was riddled with so much hate for him that I could barely stand to be in the same room.

I thought of the way his hands had been all over me, the way he threatened me and called me all those names. It was as if every beating I took, ever insult, every insulting word he’d ever used against me was hitting me all at once. I felt naked and bare around him, as if he was stripping me of the little dignity I had left as a woman.

“I’ll leave you both to have some privacy.” Dad spoke up.

“No.” I said quickly, “Daddy, I want you to stay.” My father knew me well. He knew something was wrong immediately.

Aaron looked at me apologetically. “I love you.” He told me. This time his words had no effect. I had to turn my head away from him; I couldn’t look at him anymore.

“Get out.” I said quietly. When he didn’t budge and I saw my Dad looking from he and I, I started to grow more distressed. “Get out! Get him out!” I rose my voice, “I don’t want to see him!!” I pleaded with my father, “Make him go!”

“What! Jade, what’s wrong?” He was so great at the innocent act. I was surer than spit that I never ever wanted to see him again so long as I lived.

“I hate you, get OUT!” My voice rose as the tears begun to flood my eyes. My Dad basically pushed Aaron out the door, obviously realizing that something had transpired between the both of us to make me so distressed.

As soon as he was on his way, Dad came back to me. He looked concerned. “Are you okay?” He asked me so sweetly. I loved my Dad so dearly. He was such a tender person. I wanted to hug him so much but it was virtually impossible with all the machines and cords all over me.

I nodded. He helped me wipe my eyes. My chest hurt so much. It felt like fire each time my breathing became erratic, or each time I tried to cough or even breathe deeply. I felt safe when my Dad was around. “Please don’t leave.” I said quietly.

“Darling, I’m not going anywhere.” He told me.

About a week into my hospital visit, a social worker came to visit. She had asked my parents to leave while she had a word with me. I knew exactly what it was about, and this time I was brave enough to tell her. She was a sweet woman who I knew truly did care. She talked about my initial medical reports from when I arrived and wanted to know exactly what had happened.

I talked my way through it from what I could remember but it was without emotion. I felt absolutely numb. I told her about his attempted rape. I told her about his continual beatings and verbal abuse. I told it all without tears and without too much feeling and I felt okay. I was good at pushing things away, pretending that it didn’t hurt. I suppose that was the start of the new me.

She organized some counseling sessions for me and urged me to tell my parents for their support. I couldn’t though. I knew it would break my Dad’s heart and I knew that both he and my Mother would blame themselves for not realizing how bad it had grown to be, and I was a little frightened that my Dad would take matters in to his own hands. I gave them very little information, mostly just explaining that Aaron had smacked me around occasionally and that his abuse resulted in my accident. They seemed to buy it quite well and never really asked any more questions.

After all of that I just found it easier to not care. The scars that Aaron’s abuse resulted in were left, healed all over my body, but the unlike the physical scars, the mental ones I knew would never really leave me.

I was scared of every man that I ever met; regardless of how nice they seemed because I knew that one time Aaron too, had been the perfect gentleman. And that’s why I vowed to never allow another person to get too close to my heart, not even Michael Jackson, no matter how much I liked him.

I may have wanted to give up on Jade, but part of me decided that she was worth the trouble. There had to be a reason why she acted the way she had, and dammit, I was just curious if nothing else.

I looked down at the greasy ass pizza that I’d ordered. I’m sure it was doing wonders for my complexion. I almost laughed when I remembered the comment Jade had made about my hair. It seemed so immature and stupid. Sure, I had the jheri curl going on, and sometimes it was wetter than usual, but … so what? If that was all the ammunition she had to work with, then I was doing better than I suspected.

I didn’t even really know why I was eating the Pizza. I didn’t even like it. I guess I just wanted something to fill my stomach. Eating was just something I did to survive, I never pigged out like my brothers did. I liked to watch my weight and keep extremely fit. I was a vegetarian and for awhile I stopped eating all dairy products too until my Mom coaxed me back in to drinking cream milk and cheese. It wasn’t something I enjoyed, really, but I did it just for the sake of my health.

I wasn’t one those sort of people that could ever really enjoy food. I did like to eat sweets though, and basically anything that wasn’t good for me. I liked ice cream and I liked all types of candy. I was always good on the sweet tooth. Mealtime was different though.

I thought about Jade’s heart condition, at least I had sort of figured out a little bit. I wondered if there were any day-to-day risks for her and if she was able to live a relatively normal life. It must have felt like shit to know that one day soon lied a grim time when you were going to have to have some type of open-heart surgery. Any surgery on the heart was a risky one. I wondered why she feared intimacy with anyone and why she so adamantly rejected my extended hand of friendship.

I thought I had made it abundantly clear that I expected nothing. And I was being honest. I didn’t have any expectations of her. I didn’t want her to think she owed me anything and even though I felt attracted to her, both physically and mentally, I would never have acted on that until I was entirely sure she could handle it. Right now, it seemed more than anything that Jade needed a friend and that was really all I wanted to be.

I tossed the stomach-churning pizza down into the half-empty carton and wiped my hands on my jeans. Shit, I was such a slob. I didn’t care. It was my first week in my beautiful, new apartment. I was allowed to be the dirtiest shit in the world, I had no one around to impress.

I went into my room. My room looked great, I was so happy with what the interior designers had done. I had speakers erected by both sides of my bed instead of a bedside table. It pleased me immensely, it had been my own idea. I also had the best sound audiovisual system set up. I only hoped that I’d have the time to actually enjoy it. My interior was mostly black and white. I liked my zebra print bedspread, plush white carpet, that, by the way, I had already marked.

I got the number that I was looking for and went to find the phone. I dialed Jade’s number, wondering what the hell I was doing. I sank down on to a stool by my breakfast bar and waited for someone to answer.

Jade picked up after the third ring. “Hello?” Her voice was soft and sweet as if she had either been awoken or as if she wasn’t in the most defensive of moods. I felt a little flutter in my chest as I cleared my throat, feeling as though I’d just been thrown on the spot.

It had been over a week since we had spoken. I didn’t tell her I was leaving the hotel, I just did. I was angry at the time, and was convinced that I should give up on her.

“Hi Jade, it’s Michael…” I replied in a tone, about as soft as hers. “I hope you don’t mind me calling.” I added, since there was a moment of silence from her. Half of me expected her to hang up. I knew there was a certain element of shame emitting from her end of the phone. I knew that if she had any kind of conscience, she would have realized that going of at me the way she did was completely out of line and unnecessary.

I was probably the last person she expected to hear from. “Michael, Hi.” She paused, I guessed she was trying to collect her thoughts, she stammered a little. “I uh… I”

“Did I call at a bad time?” I asked her, not wanting to make her feel uncomfortable. But damn it, she did owe me an apology.

“No…it’s okay. I uhm… tried to call you yesterday, but they said you checked out.” She admitted. I could hear a tinge of regret within her tone. I was surprised that she had even attempted.

“Really?” I asked brightly, “I just thought I should give you some space.” I added coolly. I didn’t want to make too big a deal of it. “My apartment is finished now anyway.”

“Oh. I’m glad to hear it. Are you enjoying it?” She asked. I knew the question was futile. I knew she didn’t really care if I liked my apartment or not.

“Sure.” I answered, not really offering much else. There was an awkward silence between us for a few seconds before she interrupted.

“Michael, I’m really sorry about getting so mad at you.” There it was. I knew it was coming, and I was pleased that she knew she owed it to me. And it was forgotten as easy as that.

“I accept your apology.” I replied simply. “We can forget it.”

“I just want you to know…” She continued, “It wasn’t fair or nice of me to start insulting you and cursing you out the way I did. You were just making conversation and…” She paused, probably wanting to say more but her heart wouldn’t let her. “Well… it just wasn’t your fault at all.”

She punked out.

I wanted her to give me something to work with. “Jade, when I said I liked you, it wasn’t more than that.” I decided it was time to explain. “It doesn’t mean I want to marry you or date you,” I lied, “I just like you.”

She gave a shaky sigh. “Michael, I’m not a good friend. I don’t know if it’s a good idea that you bother with me, I just need to be honest with you. I’m a bad friend, I’m not reliable, I can be the biggest bitch in the world.” She ranted, “I don’t know why you’re so persistent and I don’t know why you like me, but I just think that I’ll disappoint you in the end, and I don’t want to do that.” Her tone was so downcast. I wanted to give her a hug. I hated the way she was so down on herself. I wondered who or what had ever hurt her so much that she had such little self-esteem.

It was time for me to draw in a deep breath. Here was something to work at. “I like you and persist with you because you’re honest and blunt and you don’t treat me any different to anyone else and you don’t know often it is to find that in someone.” I told her flat out. “And you’re funny, even when you’re not trying to be…” I listed her qualities, hoping that if anything it would make her feel a little better.

“You don’t have to say that…” She replied as if she disbelieved me.

“Yeah? What, do you think I randomly call people that I think are complete jerks to come and hang out with me? I wouldn’t say any of this if I didn’t mean it.” I told her with as much sincerity as I could.

“Thanks…” She said softly. “I appreciate that.”

“The other thing is, is that… I really think we have a lot in common, Jade… I think we’re both in need of a good friend.” I hoped she wouldn’t take offense to it, but she didn’t seem to. “And I don’t really care if you’re unreliable or if you’re being a bitch. We all have our bitchy days.”

She didn’t know what to say, but that was okay, because I felt like I was winning her over. I spoke everything in a genuine way. She knew I meant my words, I hardly ever made this kind of effort with anyone, quite frankly I didn’t have the time – or even want to make it.

“And Jade, I don’t know a lot about you and I don’t want to assume anything, but part of me feels confident enough to say that you like me at least just a little bit. Or else you wouldn’t have agreed to hang out with me, or even talk on the phone—so I don’t really get what the big deal is.”

She gave a soft laugh. I guess part of it was tension that she felt. “Michael there’s just a lot of things… I can’t…” She paused, trying to find a better way of explaining herself. “I can’t just let people in…. not just like that.”

“Hey.” I laughed lightly, “It’s not like I’m asking for you to let down your guard and bare your soul to me and make yourself vulnerable, I’m just asking for you to get to know me a bit better. I can be unreliable and bitchy too, girl.” I added, just for good humor.

She let out a sigh. “Will you ever give up?”

I smiled. “In all seriousness? If you want me to stop phoning you or bothering you all together, just say the word and you’ll never hear from me again, but even if there’s a little tiny bit inside of you that wants to be my friend, then that’s enough to keep me pursuing you.” I said honestly.

“There’s a tiny bit of me… but it just seems easier to push you away.” She admitted. I knew she felt bad for telling me that, but I understood the way she felt. Sometimes it was easier for me to push away the ones that I loved.

“Well Jade, if it’s any consolation, which it probably isn’t at this point in time—you can completely trust me with any single thing in the world. I wouldn’t ever, ever intentionally hurt you in any sort of way.”

She gave almost what I found to be a scoff of disbelief, but it hadn’t really been offensive. Probably just the something she had heard before from someone else. “And unlike a lot of people that might try to forge friendship with you, I actually speak words from my heart, not bullshit ones that sound great at the time.”

I surprised myself. I felt comfortable even cursing in front of her. I guess because she wasn’t judging me.

“Okay Michael.” She replied. I was uncertain of what that meant, but I was sure she seemed interested in hearing more from me, and that was enough to keep me feeling good about her.

I was absolutely frightened out of my wits when Michael invited me over to his place for dinner about two weeks later. I didn’t really know what to expect. We hadn’t really spoken since he had called me after he moved in to his new place, but I guessed he was busy. I had a lot of time to sort of ponder my feelings for him, and I convinced myself that as long as I was really careful, nothing had to escalate.

The things that he had said to me sounded so true, I couldn’t believe how easy it was for him to penetrate my heart. It was a bittersweet feeling. It was a long time since I had taken anyone’s words quite as seriously as his. I wanted him to be genuine so much, but there was a bigger part of me telling me that it was all a farce, to step back and remain vigilant. Although, that didn’t mean I couldn’t enjoy his company—or at least that’s what I told myself.

I arrived to his place around 6pm. I wasn’t entirely sure what to expect. I guessed I would be walking in to some breathtaking mansion that was given the title of apartment very loosely. It wasn’t all as special as I had expected it to be. He lived in a secure building where I needed to buzz his apartment in order to be let through the security gate. Understandably so.

Michael invited me in. For once, I was kind of impressed with what he was wearing. He was wearing a pair of black pants and an untucked white button down shirt. The first few buttons were undone and under it he wore a white wife beater. I knew if anyone else tried to pull of that type of attire they’d look like a fool, but Michael truly looked striking in it. His cologne was a little overpowering, but I’d noticed that the last time I seen him. I didn’t mind too much, at least he had made the effort to smell good.

But damn, skippy, did you have to singe the hairs in my nose?

He looked nice and casual which assured me that he was true to his word, he expected nothing from me and this sure wasn’t a date. I wore casual clothes too, just a plain white off-the-shoulder top and green flowing skirt that came to my ankles. I toted a jacket incase it became cold later. He ushered me inside of his apartment and closed the door behind us.

“Come on in.” He smiled.

I looked around. It was beautiful and immaculately clean. It was pretty big, but not as massive as I had some how come to expect.

“Hi, Michael.” I smiled shyly. He took my jacket from me immediately and hung it up on a coat rack behind the door. “That’s a nice cologne you’ve got.” I complimented him. But must you fucking marinate yourself in it?

“Thanks.” He replied. His hair was slicked back as usual with a ton of product.

As we walked through the foyer we met with a huge marble spiral staircase that was to take us upstairs if we were headed that way. Lined on the walls were photographs of his family and friends, mostly children. I felt a little scared to breathe, afraid that I would leave a mark on something.

“You’re place is beautiful.” I told him, looking at the photos, probably in awe. He had beautiful neices and nephews. I recognized some pictures with his brothers and sisters and of course his parents.

“Thank you…” He said, seemingly proud of his new place. He pointed to a photo of himself with a little boy on the wall, “This is my nephew Randall, it’s his birthday today and I just got off the phone with him. He turned four.” He informed me happily.

I smiled, “Wow! He’s so adorable. Look at his little grin!” Michael shared my enthusiasm. He named off other various relatives in the photos until we came to one of his father and himself that looked fairly recent. I hadn’t seen his father much, but the resemblance to the rest of the family was too strong to ignore. “That’s you and your father right?” I asked.

“Yeah.” Michael replied, not even looking up, “Hey, come through here…” He put a light hand on my back and guided me down through a doorway that took us to an equally immaculate looking kitchen and dining area. Every appliance was stainless steel, and it was very minimal. Everything was so neat, the kitchen looked almost bare. There was a bowl of fresh fruit on the counter top and a juicer right by it, but that was about all.

I smiled to myself, wondering if he was actually going to cook, or if he was just going to order food and make it look like he had cooked. As if reading my thoughts, Michael chimed in.

“I was going to cook for us… but I was a bit scared that it wouldn’t work out.” He blushed, “I’m not that elaborate in the kitchen.”

I gave a laugh, “Don’t feel bad, I’m not the greatest cook either.”

“Well I figured we could order out or something.” I nodded in agreement. He showed me around the rest of his place and we went upstairs, climbing the beautiful marble staircase to retreat to his living room.

To be honest, I was a little bit intimidated. There was an air of awkwardness between us that I desperately wanted to pass. “So how have you been?” I asked him, hoping that the air of silence would leave with the awkwardness.

“I’m very good actually. I’ve just lined up to go to London to do a little bit of promotion at the end of the month.” He informed me. He seemed excited about it, “I can’t wait to go to London, I love it there!”

I smiled. I’d only ever been to New York and Florida and a couple of other cities in California. I had never actually traveled abroad. It was something that I would have loved the chance to do. “Fantastic.” I  remarked.  “I’ll bet you have a lot of fans there.” I don’t know why I said that, I just did. Of course he had lots of fans there, why else would he go?

“I do.” He nodded, “And they’re the most loyal ones, you know? But also the most nuts.” He gave a crazy grin that quite frankly made me feel a little bit weak in the stomach.

I laughed, “Well I’m sure you’ll have a good time while you’re over there.”

He nodded, agreeing with me. “So what about you, what did you do today?” He wanted to know as I sank back in to a peach colored couch, finally feeling myself relax just a little. I was sitting opposing him. I just shrugged. “Not so much, I didn’t have to work, so I went to visit my Dad for a little while…”

“Oh cool.” He smiled faintly. “You get along well with him, right?” He questioned me. I nodded and smiled, thinking of how my Dad and I had both sat down with a cup of coffee and held a deep and meaningful conversation earlier in the afternoon.

“My Dad and Mom are the closest people in my life.” Basically the only people in my life, I wanted to add.

“Are they still together?”

I shook my head, “No… they divorced when I was about 8 or so, I suppose.” I replied, giving a little shrug. I thought about how hostile they were toward each other and how they used to play piggy-in-the-middle with me until I had my car accident only a couple short years ago now. My parents got along amazingly now, and even spent time with one another without my company. Sometimes I held a little bit of hope for them to get back together, but I knew it probably wouldn’t happen, however, I was extremely content with their relationship. “They get along really well, though. They’re good friends.” I added, just in case he had any further questions.

“That must be nice.” He smiled. I nodded, not really sure of what else to add to it. I knew his parents were still together, and I wondered what sort of relationship that he had with them, but I wasn’t sure if I wanted to get in too deep with him just yet.

“So can I get you a drink or would you like to order food or something?” He asked me. I knew he felt a bit of the discomfort that I was feeling too, and he was trying to fill it.

“A drink would be great.” I agreed. I watched him get up. He had another mini-kitchenette upstairs, I guess it saved him the time of going down. He offered me a choice of fruit juice or soda. I took the fruit juice. I noticed his refrigerator was quite bare. I knew if I had his kind of money my food would be flowing out. I guess he had to make sure he didn’t become as fat as I aspired to be with all food that money could buy.

He pulled out a bunch of fast food services from a drawer and laid them out on to the counter top. I took a seat on the stool just before it. “What do you feel like eating?” He asked me.

“I’m not really very fussy.” I replied. It was true, I didn’t mind. I was always happy to try new things. My taste buds were broad. “You choose.”

Michael gave a shrug as he leafed through the menus and looked at me, obviously feeling rude being the one who made the decisions. “Would you prefer to have Chinese or Mexican?” He asked, picking two. I looooved Mexican, but I knew it was one of those kinds of foods that I ended up wearing as much as I ate. On the other hand, as much as I loved Chinese, it didn’t set well in my stomach.

“Hmm…Mexican.”

Michael smiled with satisfaction and I could tell that it was what he wanted to eat as well. “Okay. Well I’m definitely having Enchiladas… what do you like?” he asked, holding the menu for me to take. I scoured it quickly and made my decision. “Mmm, beef Enchilada sounds fantastic.”

“Do you want to order now, or wait for a bit?” He asked, refilling my cup of juice after I had drank at least half of the cup. He topped up his own and put the juice carton back in the fridge and grabbed a stool from the counter and pulled it around to the other side so that we sat across from each other on separate sides of the breakfast bar.

I shrugged again, “I don’t mind. I’m not starving.”

“Ok we’ll wait.” Michael decided for us. We sat for a few moments in silence. We were less than a meter apart. I studied his facial features shamelessly, he was reasonably clean-shaven but his face was lined with soft looking facial hair. He didn’t care about covering up his skin discoloration what so ever, which made me feel good. I was glad that he was comfortable about it in front of me. His eyes were just so soulful. They were always filled with every kind of emotion imaginable. It was easy to read his feelings mostly by looking in to his eyes, but also, they were the kind of eyes that made me want to look away whenever they met mine.

I had a fear of people seeing in to my soul, as if I showed too much pain, or even a glimpse of what I had been through. My Dad once told me that my eyes were the kind that told stories – and that’s how I thought of Michael’s. I didn’t want anyone to view me like that, though. I tried my best to show nothing, and mostly it worked.

I could feel his eyes checking me out, trying to pick up on what I was thinking about, they bore in to me like hot lasers. I finally made eye contact briefly. I always looked between his eyes to his forehead when talking to him, to avoid showing too much to him. Sometimes I found myself slipping in to his mesmerizing gaze. “Do you consider yourself to be shy?” he wondered randomly.

I knew he had asked it because I had hardly spoken a word since I arrived. I shrugged, thinking about it. “I guess I am a bit, what do you think?” I wanted to know his opinion.

“I don’t think you’re shy.” He answered, “I think… that you’re so guarded that you’re very careful of what you say and keep it all to a very polite minimum.”

I almost laughed in disbelief, and I would have if only I didn’t want him to see how surprised I was that he had got me down to such a tee. Again, doing exactly what he had just accused me of. The irony was pretty funny. “Maybe you’re a little bit right.”

Michael smirked, “I’m always right.” He knew that he was spot on, no one needed to confirm it. He took a sip of his juice and moved the glass around on the counter, as if it were the most interesting thing in the world. “I’m shy.” He informed me, not looking up. “I mean… I know I probably don’t seem it, but I’m real shy…”

“I can see that you would be.” I answered honestly. For some reason, maybe for the reasons that he had explained to me, he was forthcoming with me. “I’d expect someone who does what you do, to be a little bit more outgoing than you seem to be…” I supplied thoughtfully.

It was his turn to shrug. He looked up, and I let his eyes penetrate mine. “I can be outgoing.” He said as if he were pondering it himself for the very first time. “But… I don’t really like egotistical people, and there’s a lot of that in my industry…” He paused as if trying to select the right words to express himself. “I guess that I feel like I’m just a bit different and the reality is that I’m a whole lot more boring than people expect me to be.”

“I don’t think you’re boring.” I told him, and not just to make him feel better, but because I actually meant it as well. “I don’t think you being different makes you shy, I think you’ve just spent a lot of your life being so public, that your private time needs to remain exactly that. And maybe you feel as though you share enough with people, and there’s some of you that you want to save for just you.”

He was smiling at me, broadly. “I couldn’t have said it better myself.” He replied. Damn, he was grinning, showing me those beautiful pearly whites. He looked gorgeous and I wasn’t afraid to admit that.

When dinner arrived we sat at the coffee table on the living floor, kneeling over plates, eating our food. It was a strange feeling. I enjoyed eating while she was in my company. Instead of just eating out of necessity, I found myself eating to enjoy the meal. We talked and had a few jokes. She opened up to me just a little by telling me more about her medical condition after I had told her about mine. I shared with her some idle gossip that I’d heard on the circuit and we both laughed over the things that the filthy journalists had been writing about me in the recent news.

It was so casual and she was more fun than she gave herself credit for. I loved her wit so much, and I found it to be one of the most attractive things about her. I loved that I didn’t need to be so correct around her, I was allowed to make fun of who I wanted without having to feel my conscience beating me down for it.

The conversation began to turn serious when she began speaking more about her father. “He and I sat today and talked for a few hours… I love my Dad; he’s always been there for me through everything. Family is so important, don’t you think?” She asked.

I was watching her eat. She stopped occasionally to tuck her hair behind her ear; it became an unfailing habit. Her hair was at all different lengths, the first length just slightly too short to pull back unless she wanted a high ponytail. I hadn’t seen her hair off her face before, and it got in the way of letting me see her beautiful eyes.

You know, I hated it when I took women out on dates and they would take a few bites and claim to be full, as if I actually gave a damn that they had an appetite. Not Jade though, she was eating really well, and I liked to see a woman enjoying her food because it made me feel more secure about enjoying my own.

“I think family is important.” I responded, taking a forkful of the Mexican rice. “I can’t wait to have my own family.” I added. I took another forkful so that I couldn’t say anything more.

Jade watched me pushing the food around with my fork. “Do you get along well with your mother and father?” She wondered.

I swallowed what I was chewing and wondered if I should just be directly honest or if I should keep it all polite. “I get along with my Mother. My Dad….” I shook my hand as if to show her it was a little here and there. I suddenly had her full attention. I noticed that she didn’t have any problems asking me personal questions this time around, every other time she had hesitated, or ignored opportunities to get me to elaborate on things, forcing me to think up other topics of conversation.

She was really making an effort this time and I loved that.

“How come you don’t get along?” She wondered.

I half-shrugged. It’s not like I didn’t know why, I did know why. I just wasn’t sure if I could condense it in to a mealtime conversation. “I guess we view the world with very different eyes.” It was a half-truth. I would give her more information later. I didn’t want to spoil my appetite with thoughts of my father.

“Tell me more about your parents…” I requested. I did want to know more. I loved learning about how other people my age lived their childhood’s, it was always so much more fun than my own. I had to live vicariously through someone didn’t I? “Did you live with your Dad or your Mom?”

Part of me just loved the sound of her voice and the way that she told stories. She was funny and articulate and intelligent and sometimes brutal, but that just made it all the more interesting.

“I mostly lived with my Mom, but I had a room at my Dad’s house and about a week a month there and most weekends.” She explained, “My Mom was more co-dependant than my Dad, so he didn’t mind much. He could see me whenever he wanted to, there were never any issues like that.”

I wondered how it must have felt to have parents that were divorced, still like each other. Hell, my parents were still married and it was blindly obvious that they couldn’t stand a bar of one another.

“You know, I only went to school for three years before we were yanked out to be pop stars.” I informed her. She rose her eyebrows in surprise.

“Are you serious? Did you finish school?”

I nodded, “Sure I studied on tour and got my High School Diploma but it would have been nice to go to regular school like everyone else.”

Jade scoffed, “Seriously, school is highly overrated.”

“Did you go to college?” I asked.

“Yeah, but I dropped out about 8 months before finishing.” She admitted as she decided she’d eaten enough and placed her fork down. She sank back on to the carpet and watched me. I was more interested in how she could have dropped out so close to finishing than I was in eating.

“Why did you do that?” I asked. To me, education was one of the most important things in life. I couldn’t believe she could just toss it aside.

“I had my reasons. It wasn’t a great year for me, and I was doing particularly badly anyway.” She answered.

I guessed she didn’t want to elaborate, and that was okay. “What about in school, I bet you were one of the A-list girls.” I told her with a smile, intending it to be a genuine compliment but she looked at me with repulsion.

“No way, I stayed right away from that tacky shit.”

I almost laughed, and would have if she weren’t so serious. “Really?”

Jade gave a cynical laugh and nodded as if she was thinking about her school days. “I was a complete loner all the way up to middle school, and then I started making friends through a boyfriend, but I never really knew them very well.”

I was surprised that she mentioned a boyfriend, especially in high school, that was kind of young. “Seriously? How come you were such a loner?” I asked. I’d had enough of my meal too. I put down my fork and took a sip of my coke.

She shrugged and frowned a little as she stared down at the remnants of her enchilada. “I guess I was a bit of a geeky kid. I liked to read all the time and the other kids thought I was weird and didn’t want to play with me.” She mockingly pouted, but hid a smirk. I don’t know why she found it so amusing; I found it to be heartbreaking. I remembered being singled out at school because I was the nice kid and all the others took advantage of that.

“Kids can be pretty cruel huh?” I asked, thinking about my own experiences. “But their behavior is just a reflection of their parents.” I added. I had kids all worked out. I knew the way they acted was always just because of their parents, their upbringing and so forth.

“They sure can be.” She agreed. She gave a stretch. “What do you remember about your school experiences?” She wondered, she had a great knack for steering the attention away from herself, and finding ways for me to tell her things. She would have made an awesome reporter. She was great to talk to.

I felt myself smiling. Having school lessons were fond memories, and even though there were some bitter feelings about being singled out, I still got to enjoy it and I had plenty of friends. “School was fun. I loved my teachers so much. I loved doing the work…We were doing gigs that early on, and I used to take my pocket money and buy candy for all my friends…”

Jade was grinning, “That is so cute, and so giving…Man, I hoarded all the candy I got, no one was gonna take any of that from my mouth.” She added with a laugh.

I laughed with her. “I made a lot of money for someone my age, so I didn’t mind sharing my wealth.”

“Did you ever get picked on for being famous?” She asked curiously.

“No… not really, I was too young, I wasn’t really that famous while I was at school anyway. My brother’s got a fair bit of trouble, but they also reaped all the hot girls, which was where it all stemmed from.” I laughed, thinking of all the various dates my brothers were all sneaking out to.

We talked for awhile longer at the coffee table before we cleared away our plates. Jade was adamant about washing the dishes and making sure all the mess was settled before we went back to the living room, I couldn’t convince her that I would clean it up myself later.

We sat on the couch together. I was going to offer to put on the television or ask if she wanted to watch a movie, but she seemed to be content just talking with me. She was explaining about how her friends had tried to pull her in to a cheap liquor party, but she preferred to have a quiet night in with me, sharing dinner. I smiled lightly at her. I knew it was a big compliment, and I was pleased.

“You don’t really go to any of those parties, do you?” I wondered.

She laughed with disbelief at the mere notion of it. “Are you kidding? I’d rather spend the night giving myself paper cuts on my eyeballs.”

I cracked up, but also winced at the same time. The thought of getting a paper slit in my eye was a painful one, but it was also random and hilarious. She laughed too, knowing damn well that she was pretty funny and brutally honest.

“Well, I’m glad you agreed to have dinner with me.” I said, after I had calmed down.

“Me too.” She agreed, turning her head to face me. We were both slouched back in to the two-seater couch. I had an urge to take her hand, but I went with my better judgment. My eyes fell over her shoulders, I reminded myself of how much I loved them. They were so perfect and straight and her part of me found myself wanting to just kiss her softly on her collarbone.

I had to get my thoughts away from that. Her shirt was cut so that I could see her upper arms and her shoulder blade on the left of her body. I noticed a deep scar that peeked out only just from the top of her shirt. It looked like it could have been a large one. I didn’t say anything and tried to puzzle together what it could have been from.

“So how come you moved out of your parent’s house?” She asked me. I was a little bit unprepared for that question, and my mind was still searching for answers about her. I decided that I should be honest, as it would be the only way that she would be open with me.

“I hate my father.” I said simply.

She widened her eyes; “Did he make you move out?”

I almost laughed. I didn’t want to brag, and I certainly would never tell her or else it would seem as though I was. The truth was, I owned most of the house that my family lived in. I paid for so much of it, and continued to pay for more whenever they asked. I maintained it’s upkeep and gave money to my mother whenever anyone in the family asked for it. I didn’t begrudge it, though. Despite my father, and the habits of everyone that I didn’t always agree with, I loved them and wanted them to live as well as I was.

“No, not at all. I just decided that it was time to. I’m almost 26, it’s a bit old to be living at home, and I’d prefer to not have to see him.”

“What makes you hate him? Maybe you just don’t understand each other…” She paused and glanced in to my eyes as if trying to read what I was feeling. Her eyes were a brilliant green color, they always sparkled and when she wore green eye shadow as she had been, they looked stunning. “There was a time when my parents and I didn’t even really have a relationship… and it was just a phase.”

I liked her idealism. “It’s not a phase at all. It’s my Dad being an abusive jerk.” I blurted out. “I don’t like him, and I can’t be around him, not after everything he has done to our family.”

I could tell Jade was curious and part of me was insisting within me that I had said enough. Her eyes burned in to mine, and it made me feel a little unsettled because I knew I was saying far too much. I spoke for the first time in front of her with anger and vehemence and I knew immediately that she had held on to everything I said, and was processing it.

“Abusive how so?” She wondered, “You don’t have to go in to it if you don’t want to…” She added. And when she added that, I knew I wanted to say more, because I felt like I could trust her and it was the first time I’d ever really had the desire to tell anyone about it.

“He beat my brother’s and I all through our childhood and he used to cheat on my Mom all the time.” I filled her in honestly. I knew I had said it all with such bitterness, and I avoided her eyes. There was a certain sense of shame filling me, since I knew that it could have been stopped.

“I’m sorry Michael…” She replied in a tight, voice as if she was trying hard to breathe. I saw her swallow hard.

I shrugged, “It’s over now, I don’t live there.” I replied. “I just can’t look at him without feeling all of those memories coming back to me. He used to knock us down so hard that the wind would be blown out of us.” I regressed.

I felt her soft hands for the first time touching my wrist. I knew it wasn’t much, but to her it was probably a big step. “Did you ever try to stand up to him?” She asked.

I felt embarrassed that maybe she thought that there was something I could have done to prevent his beatings, but she didn’t know him. “Once.” I replied. “I threatened him and said if he ever hit me again I wouldn’t sing.”

“What did he do?” She wanted to know.

I kind of smirked, even though there was nothing at all amusing about it, but it soon dropped as I released the words, “It was the hardest beating I ever took. The belt came out and all.”

“Didn’t anyone ever notice?” She asked in such a soft voice. I dared myself to look at her and saw that her eyes were glassy. I felt terrible for turning the conversation in to something so somber when I was doing great now.

“No.” I shook my head. I felt her hand slip in to mine subtly. She gave my hand a little squeeze. I took the opportunity to curl my fingers through hers until we held hands. I wondered why she had turned so warm toward me. “But … Jade, we don’t have to talk about this.”

She ignored it. “What did your Mom do?” She asked, “I mean, she had to have known your Dad was beating you so much. Did he leave marks?”

“Girl, I still got a few little scars…” I confessed. “My Mom knew, of course, but she was too scared to do anything and I don’t blame her, my Father is still pretty damn scary to this day. He unsettles me when I’m around him.”

I noticed a tear falling from her eye that she quickly wiped away. “What’s the matter?” I asked with a smile, trying to lighten the mood, “I’m okay now…” I assured her. I didn’t want her to think I was still suffering over it.

“My Mom knew about it too, and she didn’t do anything…” Her voice trailed off. “I never told her but I know she knew deep down…”

“Knew what?” I asked. “Your Father beat you as well?” It didn’t make a lot of sense since she said she got along so well with him, unless it had all been a lie.

She shook her head. “My ex-boyfriend.”

Everything seemed to connect together for me. “He’s the one who hurt you….” I remarked out loud as if the puzzle fit together.

She wiped her eyes and made it clear she didn’t really want to talk about it. “I don’t talk about it. It’s better left forgotten.” She added. “It’s easier for me to move on, that way.”

“How can you move on when you haven’t dealt with something?” I questioned her. I knew she hadn’t moved on, if she had, she wouldn’t fear me as much as she seemed to. At that moment, she pulled her hand from mine. I knew our intimate and honest moment together was finished. That was okay, though. At least a few more things were starting to fit together.

She gave a shrug. I felt her stiffen beside me. “It’s just the way I deal with some things.”

I was at a loss for what to say. I wanted to know about what had happened with her ex. I wanted her to share her stories with me and be open and honest so I could understand and be there for her and gain her trust, not because I was nosey. I reached for her hand and took it again, and even though she went to flinch from my grasp, I didn’t let go. I wanted her to know that I had her back. Her eyes still remained glassy as silence passed through us like a cool breeze.

“How long were you with him?” I asked, ignoring the fact that she had made it clear that she didn’t want to talk about it. I hoped she’d open up even just a bit more.

“I guess since I was about fifteen—“ She paused and pondered her time with him. She shrugged, “The last time I seen him was right after my twenty first birthday.” Her voice was hoarse, almost a whisper, but with a monotone that I wasn’t used to hearing from her.

I was shocked that she had been with someone for so long. “Was he always abusive?” I asked. I felt horrified and prayed that her answer would be no. I could tell by her stone exterior that the abuse had been pretty bad. From the moment the details escaped her mouth, it was as though she had turned in to a shell. It was as if the Jade that I’d just spent the past three hours with didn’t exist. She was a different person.

She shook her head. She looked directly ahead, focusing her eyes on the wall. “For three years.” She supplied. I spied the scar on her back and wondered if it were any relation. My eyes studied her, I wanted to ask so many things but it was clear she didn’t like going back to that place, her way of dealing with it was to block it out.

“Jade, if you don’t want to talk about it, we can talk about something else. But I am always here for you to talk to if you feel-“

“I was such a stupid, stupid naïve moron.” She scolded herself. She hung her head, and looked down at skirt. It was almost as if she were talking to herself. “I just kept believing that he would change back to the way he was when I met him. I kept thinking that it was my fault, just as he drummed it in to me.”

“But it was never your fault.” I said, gently, noticing the tears welling in her eyes. She looked in to my eyes and I saw a flood of emotion that I never, ever thought Jade would show me, not at this point in time. There was so much hurt in her eyes, so many wounds that just imprinted my heart and made me want to cuddle her so close to me.

“I wanted my Mom or my Dad’s help so much, and I knew my Mom could see what was going on, Michael, but she never, ever did anything. I couldn’t ask for it and I tried to block her out, but she didn’t help me and I try not to hold it against her and she tries not to hold it against herself – but it’s so hard.”

I didn’t care if she was about to flip out based on my actions. I put an arm around her shoulder and I pulled her inward toward me. “I know, Jade… I understand.” I assured her. It was true, I did understand. Sometimes I had questions that clouded my mind too, such as why our Mother didn’t just pull us away from my father, but I guess she wanted to pretend it didn’t occur, possibly the way that her mother did.

She felt awkward in my arms. I knew my attempts at comforting her were probably making her feel a bit uncomfortable. I was even surprised that she had let me put my arm around her. I knew she felt silly for unloading just like that, but I didn’t mind at all. I didn’t want to make a big fuss over her tears, nor did I want to coddle her and make her feel any more embarrassed or feel as though I was put out. “Sometimes I used to look at the world through such bitter eyes.” I informed her, “But there’s also a lot of amazing people in this world—there’s a lot of goodness and kindness, you know? It’s just that sometimes we have to meet a lot of jerks to get to something great.”

She sniffed. “People make me feel claustrophobic. I’m scared of putting myself in any situation that could lead to me being as stupid as I was back then.” She admitted. I knew it had been something like that.

“I understand that.” I replied. “But you’re not like that with me…”

She managed a half-laugh and half-sniff. She wiped her wet eyes and apologized for crying. I just shook my head and smiled. “You don’t have to be sorry.” I assured her.

That was pretty much the end of the conversation. She immediately changed the subject, but I could tell it was still on her mind for the rest of the night. 

I’d felt so foolish for breaking down while in the company of Michael, but I’d just seen so much of myself in him when he blurted out all those private things about his father. It took me by surprise because he didn’t know me very well. Part of me admired his ability to be so forthright, to be able to just not care what I thought of him… The other part of me thought he was a bloody idiot, and wondered if he did other blindly naïve and bone-headed things, like write his phone number down on a public toilet stall door.

I kept replaying the night over in my head and thinking about the way Michael had reacted to my brief mention of Aaron. Inside of me yearned to tell someone everything, and as much as I tried to deny it to even myself, I knew that that someone had to be Michael, or no one else. I felt like he would understand and even if he didn’t, he seemed interested enough about everything that went on in my life and I knew he would at least try.

I didn’t want to trust him though. I wanted to keep myself guarded and make sure my heart remained at bay to prevent anyone from ever breaking it again.

Michael had asked me if he could come and see me at my place some time, and it took me off guard. I wanted to say no, but it was purely to save my self esteem. Compared to his apartment, mine was pretty damn dodgy. I liked my place, though. It was something to call my own and the repayments were extremely affordable. My parents had helped me out with the decorating and turned it in to a nice neat little place. I was by no means rich, or even well off, but I did have a habit of impulse buying things outside of my means, which, probably made the apartment seem more expensive than it really was – but it was nothing compared to Michael’s, obviously.

For instance, there was my beaten-up, second-hand couch. If anyone pulled off the crocheted quilt that my Grandma made from off of it, they’d see what a piece of shit it was. I reminded myself that Michael probably wasn’t going to walk around my house with a forensics kit and a microscope to make sure my home was up to his standards.

I had two bedrooms and a bathroom. I loved my bathroom the most. Most bathrooms in the apartments I had looked at were the dinky kind that had a bathtub and a shower together as one, but mine was separate, and my tub was spacious. The shower recess was a bit small, but it’s not like I cared. I had decorated it with vanilla scented candles, and all of my décor was deep red and crème, including the candles.

Yeah, I was happy to admit that I had good taste. So what?

It was a bit of a mess, but that was only visible in my bedroom. I didn’t really have all that much because I hated clutter. I had a double bed, nothing special, it was pretty small, if I lay in the middle and spread my arms out, I could reach either side. Ha! I thought, Another valid reason never to get a boyfriend, he’d never have anywhere to sleep.

I had a small TV on a shelf in my room, and built-in cupboards. The only mess I really had was a habit of throwing clothes off and leaving them on the carpet or the middle of my bed. I found myself tidying up, not because I ever thought for a second Michael would come in, but because it did look a sight for sore eyes.

My spare room was one that I turned in to a study, I guess you’d could have called it, but ironically, I didn’t study, so there sat my desk with a little radio. I also had a spare bed in there, God knows why. Only once it had been used when Gabrielle decided on a whim to spend the night after we pigged out and watched movies. That was the type of fun I valued with my friends… hanging out, eating like fat bitches until we were ready to pop, and not moving from the couch unless to use the bathroom.

I smiled. Gaby had been the best at hanging out with. Too bad that she was so obsessed with her weight, these days.

While I tidied I began to think of how once, while I was recovering from my accident we both lay head-to-toe on Mom’s couch and watched ten movies straight, and ate possibly the most disgusting, unhealthy meals, drank bottle after bottle of Coca-Cola and moved only for two reasons. To get more food or drink, or to use the bathroom. Our laziness became a joke between us for so long.

Another time we both searched the cupboards for food at my Mom’s just before I moved out. I opened the fridge and smiled, “Gab… there’s strawberry cheese-cake!” I exclaimed with a grin. I had completely forgotten about it, Mom and I had made it about a week earlier and more than half was left. I paused and sighed as my enthusiasm deflated. “It’s probably off. Damn.” I muttered.

Gaby came to survey the cake beside me. “Do you think it’d be okay?” I asked, explaining that it’d been there possibly longer than a week.

We both stared at each other for a few moments and as if we were sharing the same thought, we both shrugged and laughed. “Let’s eat it anyway!” I suggested. Shit, it made my stomach churn to think about it now. There was no doubt about it; we were fucking disgusting.

“If we get sick from it, it’ll be worth it, cause bitch, that cheese cake looks fucking awesome!” She added, cracking me up again. We didn’t even get a knife or separate plates. We just grabbed forks, no, actually. We used parfait desert utensils, only the best for such ladies. We took the whole thing to the living room and devoured the cake in its entirety. We made a vow that eating almost an entire strawberry cheesecake that was possibly off, would remain our dirty little secret.

Man, I missed Gaby. Not the person she was these days, but the friend that she used to be to me, before the booze and the drugs… I needed to give her a call; I worried about her. I think that I needed to have a talk with her, I had a sixth sense when it came to our friendship… I knew things were getting out of hand in her life. It was easier for me not to see what was going on, to pretend that she only may have been doing recreational drugs. I realized that what I did to her, turning a blind eye to deeper issues, was exactly what those had done around me when I was with Aaron.

And all I wanted, was for someone to notice and take action, instead of just asking me questions. I wanted to be protected, not to just talk about it, and admit he was beating me.

I decided that I would call her through the week and organize for a time for us to get together. At that moment, though, my sole purpose was making sure my apartment was clean for Michael. I was so nervous about having him over. I wanted everything to be perfect. I guess it was okay for me to quietly admit that a little bit of a crush was forming. It wasn’t a huge one, it was just the idea of finding someone who understood me…

What I found to be the most refreshing was that he had made it clear that he wasn’t the type of person who just met up with any old fan and took her back to his apartment or hotel suite. It was the era of groupies and Michael complained to me about how he had been on a hiring and firing stampede after finding out that a few of his employees were taking sexual favors in return of introducing his own fans to him.

I was disgusted that his employees would take advantage of their position. Michael laughed at my naivete and said that nothing surprised him when it came to the actions of people around him, which was why, he explained, that it was hard to trust anyone.

I felt that the comment was a bit cheap though, after all he obviously did trust me. It was again, one of those things where a person claimed to me that they entrusted their issues in no one, but they did. I, on the other hand, was true to my word—but I had a feeling that with the more Michael trusted me, the harder I was finding it to keep everything about me, to myself.

So Michael arrived and I felt nervous. He gave a knock at the front door and I opened it. I was almost shaking. I knew it was dumb, as I’d never had a desire before to impress anyone, really, but I felt so worried that my place wouldn’t be good enough for him. Surprising me, before even stepping inside, he gave me a hug. I was so stunned that I awkwardly hugged him back, feeling stupid and clumsy.

I pulled away almost faster than I’d leaned in. If Michael noticed my immediate hostility, he didn’t say anything. I welcomed him anxiously inside. “How are you?” He asked warmly, concentrating more on me than the interior of my house. We hadn’t spoken since the week before when I had been at his place. He had left me a message on my machine confirming his visit, and I’d left one on his just to confirm that I’d received it.

It was kind of hard to get a hold of Michael, and generally I learned that there were a lot of people that got in the way of the message. The first time he wanted me to call him he had given me the number of his personal assistant, who had interrogated me before deflating my mood by insisting that Michael wasn’t in. I’d later learned that he was. After he learned about that episode, he had supplied me with his direct number to his house. I was well aware that this number was about as elite as I could get with him.

Not that I really gave a shit if I were the only one who had it or the billionth, as damn long as I got through when I wanted to, I didn’t care.

“I’m okay.” I replied. There was something in his eyes that I found myself drawn to, immediately. He looked at me with a lot of compassion, with fondness and concern. Part of me wanted to set it aside, and pretend that it wasn’t there – but I couldn’t. I didn’t mind when he continued to look at me, rubbing my upper arms, as if waiting for me to say something else.

“How are you?” I asked, gently shrugging from his touch, slipping behind him to close the front door.

“I’m great.” He assured me with a smile. He took off a fedora that he wore on his head. It was the kind that I’d seen him wear when he performed only months earlier at the Motown 25 anniversary. “I’ll take that for you.” I offered. He thanked me and let me have it. I twirled it around in my hands, looking at the inside a little curiously before putting it on a hat and coat rack.

When I turned around, I found him looking around my place the same way I had been looking at his hat. I felt gold fish swimming around in the pit of my stomach and dared myself to lead him in to the living room. “Hey… this is real nice!” He complimented me. “It’s so homely!”

I wondered if there was something more to the comment as in, nice ghetto apartment. “It’s no palace, that’s for sure.” I replied, feeling so vulnerable for the first time in God only knew how long. “But it’s mine.” I added in a smaller voice, feeling like a pauper.

“Are you kidding?” He asked, glancing at me as if I was crazy before turning his gaze back to the crammed, but well-decorated living area. “Jade, your place is gorgeous. It looks so cozy and warm… Man….” His voice trailed off as he headed over to a shelf that was on the other side of the room. It was crammed with books and photo frames and 12” LPs. He didn’t even ask before he started sifting through things. I liked that he didn’t ask, it affirmed the fact that his social skills were about as blunt as mine. He probably wasn’t used to having to ask anyone’s permission to do anything.

“You right there?” I asked him with an amused smile as he fingered the LPs, looking to see what was in my collection. “Just helping yourself to my things…”

He quickly whirled around giving me a sheepish look. “Oh, I’m sorry!” He turned a shade brighter. I knew I’d embarrassed him. “Sorry, I just get excited when I see-“

I gave a laugh, “Go right ahead, Michael, I’m just messing with you.”

He chuckled and turned back to the shelf, giving nods of approval when he came across something that he liked. “Oh come on!” He groaned, pulling something out that clearly he didn’t like at all.

“What?” I asked, moving closer toward him to see what he was looking at. He showed me the cover of a Prince LP that I just bought only a week earlier. I laughed. “Hey, I like Prince.” I told him.

“Pffft!” Michael sounded, “Midget man….” He mumbled under his breath.

“What was that?” I shot back playfully, “What did you have to say right there about your arch nemesis?”

“I called him Midget Man.” He said a little more clearly, showing me a smile so that I knew he was just trying to razz me. Suddenly so much ammunition came to play, but I bit my tongue hard, fighting it off. I knew I had so much material to work with, but I told myself that there was absolutely no reason to be spiteful.

“Don’t like a bit of healthy competition eh? Can’t stand the heat, huh?” I nudged him jokingly. I felt a smile on my face, and it felt so good, and the night was only just young!

“Competition?” Michael scoffed, “That’s a term you could use loosely.” I knew his ego was mock-seriousness. We both laughed and finally he came across what I knew would boost his ego just a tad more.

“Oh well, well, looky here…” He pulled the Thriller album out of the pile. “I’m so honored that you own my album.” He was being sarcastic and he was making no effort to hide it.

“Yeah, what can I say?” I asked rolling my eyes so that he could see, “I couldn’t resist – I was one of the 2 fools out of every ten American homes that bought the thing…”

He burst out laughing at my monotone reaction. “Seriously though, do you like it?”

I decided I should be honest. “Michael, I’ve only heard it a couple times…but I love the last song, and I’ve heard the songs on the radio, what I know of it, it’s great.”

He smiled and put the LP back, “Well just make sure you give it more of a chance than that crappy Prince album.” He winked. I laughed, and rested my hand on his shoulder as he knelt down to look at my books.

“You like History…” his voice trailed off, “I love reading about History.” He said, browsing my World War 2 books.

“I sure do.”

He took a few books from the shelf and browsed them before sliding them back in. “Maybe I could borrow a couple of these to read some time when I’m not so busy.” He suggested.

It’s not like you don’t have enough money to buy your own. I thought but immediately I wanted to kick myself in the crotch for thinking like such a bitch. I had a thing about other people loaning my books. I begrudged it, because I was one of those anal types that didn’t like it when my books were dog-eared, grubby or… my worst pet peeve of all, when the spines had creases. I liked my books to remain in perfect condition and I didn’t think that I knew Michael well enough to divulge how fastidious I was over silly things.

“Sure.” I smiled, knowing that there was no way unless hell froze over, that he was going to be taking home any of my books. He got up back to his feet and continued looking around my apartment. He glanced at the photos on the wall of my Dad, Mom and I.

Immediately my heart beat harder when I saw him staring at one photo in particular. I was lying flat on my back in hospital with tubes and machines hooked up to me and Mom was sitting to my left, leaning in close. I looked like absolute shit, but I was smiling. I kept the picture up to remind myself that I was a survivor and that I never ever had to endure the pain inflicted by another male on to me again.

“Oh my goodness…” Michael looked shocked. I wanted to rip the frame down and toss it in to a drawer. But what would have been the point? He’d already seen it now. “That’s you?” he asked looking down at me. We both knew it was a stupid question, it was clearly me. “What on Earth happened to you?” He wanted to know. I looked him in the eye and felt flooded with a feeling of shame and had to turn away.

“I just had an accident, but I made a full recovery.” I replied, my tone immediately changing.

“In a car?” He wondered. I nodded and left him standing by himself, glancing back at the photo in obvious shock.

“I don’t like talking about it.” I replied, making sure I avoided his eyes. “I shouldn’t even keep that picture up. It’s a bad memory.”

Michael stepped away. I could tell he was a little confused and wanted to ask a thousand questions, but he didn’t. He said nothing and followed me through the living room to the kitchen. “Hey, this is so cute!” He pointed to my very-tacky Cookie Monster cookie jar on the counter. It was filled with choc-chip cookies that my Mom had baked for me. “I need one of these!”

I smiled, “My Dad bought it for me… It doesn’t really go, but it’s cute and I couldn’t bare to just shove it away.”

Michael gave a little laugh, “I love it. I’d put it in my house if it were given to me.”

“Haha, lucky no one buys things like that for you, or else you’d have tacky ass décor.” I joked. “So anyway…I have this rule in my house…” I began, “If you want something, be it a drink, food or whatever, you’re welcome to it. My house is your house. So don’t be shy.”

He grinned. “What, you expect me to root around your cupboards and help myself?” He asked seriously.

I laughed and nodded, “Yeah, sure, help yourself.” I opened the fridge and got out a bottle of coca-cola so that I could get us both a drink.

“So how was your week?” I inquired, changing the subject as I handed him a tall tumbler with coke. He thanked me. We retreated back to the living room while he answered my question.

“It’s been hectic.” He answered honestly, “I’ve spent most of the time in meetings and doing promotion and stuff. It’s long hours and it’s so boring.” He explained. “I’m just happy to have this weekend free.”

Quite frankly, it did sound mundane and boring. If the word meeting had made my mind wander off with boredom, sitting in on one must have been torture. “Mmm. That does sound… mighty exciting.” I pretended to nod off. He nudged me with his elbow, as if telling me to shut up.

I set my glass down on the coffee table on a coaster. We were now sitting in my beat up old couch. He hadn’t noticed how pov it was, thankfully. “So how was your week? Tell me you did something more exciting than work.”

We both laughed, a comfortable, almost kind of knowing, laugh. As if I had gone to do something out of the ordinary, adventurous or anything remotely out of my own skin. “I worked six days this week and they wanted me to work tonight too, but there was no way I was gonna make it seven.”

“Do you like it?” He asked, “I mean, you seem to work pretty hard…”

“I have to, I have bills, Mike.” It was the first time I ever shortened his name. He smiled, but I couldn’t tell if it was because I’d just given him a pet name in his own right, or because I was so blunt. I was going with door number one.

“But, why didn’t you just finish college?” He wondered, “Surely you could go back and finish your degree.”

“College won’t pay my bills.” I replied very logically. “And there’s no way I want to move back home after having my freedom.” I glanced at him briefly in his rose red knit sweater and ugly stone-wash jeans that screamed fashion victim. I was being serious; I wasn’t trying to put a dampener on the mood. It was the truth, as much as I would have loved to have finished my journalism degree, I was trying to be realistic.

“Did you quit because you moved out of home?” Michael asked, probably thinking that it was too straining financially.

I shook my head. “I had to take a lot of time off school during my last year and I couldn’t really bring myself to go back. It was a wise choice at the time.” I tried to explain as little as possible.

I hated being so vague and giving him absolutely nothing to work with, but I couldn’t help it. There was so much to say about my reasons for giving up, but I couldn’t bring myself to share it. He stared at me curiously and said nothing. “But to answer your question, I don’t particularly love my job. But they have looked after me well and have always paid me really well.” I replied.

He nodded with understanding. I leaned back in to the couch and gave him a stare. He looked so handsome and sweet. It was hard to believe that I considered him to be any sort of threat to me. I didn’t know him so well, but I just felt something inside my heart that told me that it was okay to trust him, that he wasn’t going to radically change in to some sort of psycho.

“Michael, why are you here with me?” The question that had been plaguing my mind escaped my lips. I was tired of shooting the breeze with him, but hated that I kept flinging myself from one extreme emotion to the next. “I mean,” I started again gently; it had come out a whole lot harsher than I had intended. “Why don’t you have a girlfriend?”

He gave an almost jaded-sounding scoff and gave me his full attention. “I don’t know why I don’t have a girlfriend.” He replied, “I should have a girlfriend, right?”

“Right.” I relaxed.

“I want a girl, but I’m so picky and I want it to be right. You know?” I was surprised by how serious and literally he was taking my question. I expected him to get a little defensive the way he had on the phone. It’s not like I wanted to hear a buttload of insincere compliments as to how oooh I seemed like such a nice person and why shouldn’t he want to get to know me, blah, blah… I hated to hear the sounds of any guy trying to get their mack shit on. I did, on the other hand, want him to be honest with me. There was a part of me that wanted him to assure me once more that he could be trusted.

Shit, I was so high maintenance even just as a friend. Imagine how insecure I would have been as a girlfriend?

I nodded. I did know how it felt. I knew I would be picky as hell. You know, deep down inside I could have played up my front as well as I wanted but I knew that in the abyss of my heart lied a lonely little bitch that wanted more than anything else to be loved in that perfect way every hopeless romantic dreamed of. It was just easier to hide it under debris of cynicism and coldness.

“Have you ever had your heart broken?” I asked gently. Michael seemed pretty sensitive, I figured he was probably one of the good guys that let girls walk all over him – or at least that’s how it seemed.

He gave me a little smile. For some reason, I felt like I was shrinking in to myself. My cheeks went a little pink, I realized how personal I was about to make this conversation, how he was going to be honest, answer my question and then would ask me the same. I could either lie, or be truthful. I could either elaborate … or not.

It was about to be a moment of truth.

“Maybe not broken as in, I’ve been so deeply in love that someone has ripped my heart out of my chest and hammered it… but I’ve had my heart broken by people in other ways.” He replied, taking a moment to answer me. “I don’t think I’ve ever been able to let my heart be completely free enough to fall in love.”

I was surprised by his answer. It was obvious then that he too, had reasons to remain guarded. “Why not?” I wondered. He made eye contact with me and swallowed hard. I could tell something brutally honest was about to leave his mouth.

“Because I’m scared of having someone reject me. I’m scared of having my heart torn to pieces. And what would happen if I fell in love and my lifestyle became too much for my girlfriend to bare? My schedule isn’t fair on any woman.” He told me. What struck me the most was his consideration for others. He was putting his own wants and needs aside because it wasn’t fair on the woman?

“But, I’m pretty sure she’d know who you are and what she was getting herself in to…” I replied logically.

“Some people think that my career is always glamorous, Jade, but it’s not. It’s so time and energy consuming. Sometimes when I’m ‘there’, I’m not really all ‘there’.” He explained.

I gave a shrug. “Well women are stupid creatures.” I replied, making a face. I could only imagine what type of dumb broads he came across wanting to get him in the sack on a daily basis. “What about you and Brooke then, what happened there?” I asked, “I mean, if you don’t mind…”

I knew it was getting really deep and personal, and Michael was becoming more reluctant to answer me, but he was a much better sport at this game than I was. I suppose he trusted me for whatever reason. He started to answer the question four times, each time using a different word to begin the sentence, as if he couldn’t choose what he wanted to say.

“Oh, I’ll just be blunt.” He finally gave up. “Brooke was all over me like a rash on a hooker and it made me uncomfortable.”

I cracked up laughing, not expecting an expression quite like that to come out of his mouth. He laughed with me, clearly a rare occasion when he was so crass. I loved it. What I didn’t get though, was what the big issue was. “And what about it? Isn’t that like every male American dream to bang Brooke Shields?”

Michael made a disgusted face. “It’s not mine, that’s for sure. I don’t take well to women who want to lay down on the first or second date.” He explained. “Or even the third, forth or fifth.”

I was surprised, but really proud of him for not being a misogynist, horny shit. “But it’s okay on the sixth date, right?” I winked, making a joke.

He laughed but shook his head, “No. I don’t sleep around. I ain’t my brother’s or Joseph, Jade. Those jerks…” He thought of them and obviously felt disgust, “Hoes…” He mumbled. “I can’t stand that shit, I have to know the girl is the right girl before I lay down with her.”

I felt my lips curling in to a smile. I was so very proud of him for being able to admit it. “Yeah. You’re right.” I added. “You can’t just go jumping in to bed with the first person you meet.”

“Every girl I meet wants to do it right away, and they think I’m a freak or a sissy or something if I don’t wanna go there, you know?” He explained. There was some emotion in his eyes that I took as sincerity. I knew that he was telling me things from the heart, and by God, I appreciated it so much. It was such a relief to know that I was not alone with my sentiments.

My smile must have been so broad, because he looked a little bit offended. I hadn’t meant to feel so bright about his predicament, but I was so happy that I was able to level with him. “Why are you smiling?” He asked with a frown.

“Aw, I’m sorry. I’m just smiling because it’s rare to come across a guy who doesn’t place such an importance on having sex; but rather, not having sex. It’s so amazing that you recognize how important it is not to jump in to it…”

His expression relaxed and he smiled back at me. I was carefully governing my feelings for him right at that moment. I knew that a rose inside of my heart had just went in to bloom, and I was okay with admitting it to myself. “Do you remember when I asked you if you were sure that there wasn’t even just one itty bitty bit of belief within you that true love existed?” He asked. I gave a nod, remembering that quite well. I’d blatantly lied to him.

“And you said no…” He continued. I wondered what he was getting at. I wanted to correct him and tell him the truth, but it seemed he was ahead of me. “I think you lied to me.”

I chuckled. “Maybe.”

“So missy… are you ever going to give me any information about what’s been going on for the past… 20 something years of your life?”

“23.” I informed him as it became evident that I’d never actually disclosed my exact age to him. I figured I could tell him about Aaron, the same way I told the social worker. It was usually pretty easy to detach myself from it, to think about it as if it didn’t happen to me, but rather to someone else. “What do you want to know exactly?” I asked him. I thought it was fair for me to be as honest as I could without getting too emotional.

He shrugged, “So far… I don’t really know too much about your life, except that you work a lot, you hate your job, you quit college and … you used to be in a really dodgy relationship…” He paused and smiled, “And you like Prince.”

“Hey, I just own his album, I don’t want to have his babies.” I defended myself, giving his shoulder a playful shove. “Oh, man, you must be hungry!” I exclaimed, realizing that we’d been sitting for awhile. I went to get up but he grabbed my arm and pulled me back down, “I’m not hungry.”

I had to laugh at his persistence. “What if I am?”

“It’d be rude for you to eat in front of me.” He pointed out, raising an eyebrow at me. His eyebrows were better than mine, man. I wondered if he did them himself. I found myself eyeing them, trying to figure out how they were so perfect.

“Seriously…” He cocked his head and looked at me. “Why do you keep avoiding my questions? I’ve told you a lot of things just tonight that I wouldn’t even tell my family…”

“That’s your choice, Michael.” I pointed out to him feeling a little under pressure. “I’m not intentionally avoiding you, or keeping stuff from you, it’s just that I don’t find it too easy to talk about myself…” I explained, meeting him with avoidance once again, this time avoiding his eyes.

He stared at me intently for a few moments as if trying to re-gather some patience about him. I knew I was being unfair, but it was easier this way. “Well…” I breathed deeply, “What do you want to know?” I caved.

“I don’t know…” he shrugged as if he wasn’t really curious about everything, but I knew better. “Anything… I know that there are a lot of things that are personal, but I do think about them… For instance your accident—or why you quit college.” He started. “Why you pulled away from me the second I tried to give you a hug when I walked in the door…”

I felt tears stinging my eyes because even though I knew it wasn’t intentional it was like he was judging me, or admonishing me because I didn’t find it as easy as he did to bare my heart. “I’m sorry…” I apologized quietly. I didn’t mean to be so cold toward him, but it was the easy way out. “I’m not good with affection.”

“Cause you fear people, right?” He guessed. I half-shrugged, but he wasn’t finished, “You think that if you let yourself show anyone any affection, they’re more armed to hurt you, right?”

I gave a scoff with a bit of a jaded smile. He knew he was right, he didn’t have to wait for my answer. He held out his hand. “Give me your hand.” He ordered me. I began to smile, more from embarrassment. I didn’t submit to his request right away, but he insisted. “Seriously, give me your hand.”

Begrudgingly, I placed my hand on top of his. He made eye contact with me and curled his fingers around mine. His hands were huge against mine, and it made us both laugh. “Look at those monsters…” I remarked.

He chuckled. “But look… no big deal, right?” He asked, as he slowly intertwined his fingers in mine and warmed my hand in his. “We’re just holding hands… and it’s a small show of affection, and it doesn’t feel bad, does it?” He was being semi-mocking, and slightly patronizing, but I knew it wasn’t intended to be rude.

“I know that it’s not a big deal, nor is it bad… but you have to understand what I’ve been thro-“

He cut me off. “I want to understand, why don’t you start by telling me…”

“Fine.” I said a little annoyed. “I’ll tell you.” I took a deep breath again and pulled my hand from his. I needed to concentrate on not losing it. I dared to look at him in the eyes and felt myself shrinking again, just a little to see him staring back at me with eyes that were filled with empathy and worry.

I stopped being so hostile. “I met my boyfriend in high school and he became abusive just after he began college. I loved him and had more faith in him than probably anyone in my life.” I started to explain, “I made excuses for him when he was being an outright prick, and when he started changing I justified it, or thought it was just a phase.”

“He was your first love?” Michael asked me gently.

“First and last.” I replied very matter-of-factly. “We spent pretty much every single day together until he began college. He got in to drugs and alcohol and he changed.”

He frowned at me, and I knew he wanted to hug me or do something besides just sit and listen. I was okay though, I didn’t need the comfort and I sure as hell didn’t want to garner any empathy from him. “At first it was just little arguments, but big things started changing and I didn’t know why and couldn’t figure out what I had done to make him act the way he had been – of course I blamed myself.”

“But it wasn’t your fault…” Michael said gently.

I laughed scornfully, “You know, I always considered myself smarter than that, Michael. I never thought I’d be dumb enough to be trapped in to a situation like that.”

“Love is blinding.” He informed me. And damn, wasn’t that the truth?

“He made me believe that everything that happened right down to him hitting me regularly and playing all his fucked up mind games was a result of the way I was treating him.” I could hear my voice start to tremble a little. I heard everything that I was saying, but it didn’t feel like I was the one speaking the words. It was always this way, so detached from me. So unrealistic, and unimaginable, as if it had never happened.

“He kept on until my spirit was entirely crushed and it just got worse in time.” I felt a fluttering feeling in my heart that made my eyes brim with water. I blinked back tears’ as I was about to divulge something that I’d never told anyone before – not even the social worker. I felt his hand slipping in to mine.

“He knocked me down so hard quite a few times… My parents trusted him, you know? They wanted him to be around when they weren’t… They had no idea for the most part, not up until around the last month or so…”

“I’m so sorry, Jade… I wish I had of known you then…” He said redundantly, “I would have seen it a mile away and I would have made sure it stopped…” He added. I knew he meant it.

I shrugged, “It wouldn’t have mattered, I probably wouldn’t have listened.” I replied. It was true, I guess, unless someone bitch-slapped Aaron from asshole to breakfast table and threatened him, there was nothing that could have been done to give me enough courage to walk away.

“How did you end it? Surely you got the courage at some point…”

I shook my head. “He wanted us to have sex one night, and we had an understanding. I wanted us to wait ‘til we were married, and as far as I was concerned, we were supposed to marry right after college ended.”

“Wait, you were with him for so long and you never slept with him?” Michael seemed shocked.

I laughed and shook my head, embarrassed even. “No. I was too scared—and I had it all perfect in my head of how I wanted it to be … and for the first few years, we shared the same values—but it changed when he became a drunken stoner.”

Michael shook his head in disbelief, I could tell my story was frustrating him. “I said no very clearly to him on a few occasions and it earned me a few pretty merciless beatings, but the last time …he tried to force me into it. I knew if I didn’t fight back then he probably would have raped me.”

Michael raised his eyebrow and cursed under his breath. I could feel the tears burning behind my eyes as I was about to share with him something that I’d never shared with anyone before. “I was supposed to stay the night at his house and the second we got in to bed, he began trying it on and at first I considered giving in, but … he made me uncomfortable and he was a little drunk. I knew that’s not how it was supposed to be between us, and I also knew if I had of let him go, it wouldn’t stop.”

“What did you do?”

“I said no…he got angry and started abusing me and hitting me, trying to force me…” I felt a tear slipping down my face and quickly wiped it away and laughed slightly to remove a bit of tension, but Michael’s face remained serious. He gave my hand a squeeze as if to encourage me to keep telling him what happened. “I’m sorry.” I apologized to him, wiping my eye again. “I’ve never told this to anyone…”

“Never?” He asked softly, realizing that I really did keep a lot to myself.

I shook my head. “Who am I going to tell? My Dad would have killed him.”

“Jade, I want to kill him.” Michael replied, “I couldn’t even imagine how bad it would hurt your Dad to know everything…”

“That’s why I haven’t been able to talk about it.”

“Did you get away from him that night?” He asked, I knew there was hope in his eyes that I had. Thankful to God or whoever was responsible, I did.

“I realized in an instance that if I didn’t get away from him, I never would. And not just physically. I had an epiphany moment while I was trying my best to keep his hands off of me, that he was in control of everything in my life. I ended up hysterical, screaming, beating him back, crying… It was out of control. I hit him in the groin and ran for it…”

Michael smiled, “I hope it was hard.”

“I was so scared…It was the first time I’d ever fought back. I knew if he caught up with me, he’d probably kill me. I had bruises all over my body already, and sometimes it hurt to even lay down—he was a bit clever about it, mostly the bruises stayed off of my face.” I wiped my eyes. “I sped out of the drive way so fast… and the whole way I was petrified that he was behind me… and because I was too interested in looking in my rear mirror every second, I ended up hitting an oncoming car.”

“Lord…” He breathed, “That was your accident?” I nodded. I looked up at him and noticed that his eyes were glassy. My heart beat a little faster knowing that he was really feeling my pain. I knew he understood, the abuse he’d received from his father, the way his mother had been treated…It all related.

“How bad was the accident?” He asked, taking my hand within both of his, as if he were never going to let me go. I didn’t mind. There was no part of me that wanted to withdraw my touch from his. I welcomed his comfort. It helped. Each time he squeezed my hand, I felt courage to talk more. I knew he wasn’t going to hurt me.

“I woke up in the ICU, my ribs were broken. I had a punctured lung, massive head injuries, a fractured tailbone…” I listed the injuries that I’d been encumbered with. “My spleen ruptured and had to be removed…” I added.

“And it was all because of that fucking coward.” He spat the words with so much anger. He shook his head with absolute disgust. “I’m so sorry…” He apologized. His eyes searched mine. I knew he wanted to do more than just hold my hand. And he made the move, he gave me a hug and brought me close to him. He kissed my forehead gently and amazingly, I was okay with that.

I rested my head on his shoulder. “I quit college cause I just couldn’t handle dealing with anything or anyone…” I explained. “My head was messed up and I’d been failing subjects cause of the stress before the accident.”

“I get it now…” He said. I knew from the silence between us that he didn’t really know what to say, there wasn’t a lot to say, but I knew he was shocked and trying to figure out how to deal with it. I felt his arm around my shoulder, being a support. I liked it.

“Did you ever talk to a councilor or anything?” He wanted to know.

“I talked to a social worker while I was in the hospital because they noticed the existing bruises, and I told her mostly everything but I didn’t want to take action against Aaron. I just wanted to forget he existed.”

“Did you ever see him again?” Michael wondered.

“He had the nerve to come and visit me as if nothing had ever happened, it was just after I got out of the ICU. My Dad was with me, and I started shouting at him to leave and I asked my Dad to make sure he never came near me again.”

I felt him stroking my hair and the tension in my body slowly dissipated. He was so comforting and he made it so easy to talk. “Your parents sound like they really love you, Jade… at least you always have them to fall back on. They seem like the kind who will always be there for you, no matter what.” He pointed out.

I smiled, “You’re right… they’re amazing. I just didn’t really let them do anything for me until it was too late.”

“You do know that what happened to you was an extreme one off, don’t you?” He asked. “Not every guy, not even typical jerks that you come across in your daily life would treat you as bad as your ex did.”

“I guess I know deep down.” I admitted, “But… it’s just the idea of being in such a vulnerable position with someone… anyone really, it doesn’t have to be a boyfriend, that they can turn it around on you—“ I replied pushing my hair out of my face. “I’ve never made friends easily, and I’ve always been that someone on the outside of my peers, you know? Looking in and watching, not actually taking part …”

“I know exactly what you mean.” He nodded and smiled, “Feeling like the outcast because you view life a little differently, right?”

I returned his smile. “Yeah. And after all that with Aaron, I can’t stand people who drink alcohol, who get wasted – or who think it’s okay to do that—my friends all do that shit and it’s really hard for me to sit back and not judge.”

Michael gave a little laugh, “Yeah those parties they invite you to, seem pretty dumb. It’s not fun to be the only sober person at a party. I know that’s for sure.”

“You know what?” I asked him, changing the subject completely, looking in to his pretty brown eyes, “My parents would love you. They’ve always wanted me to find a friend who has the same things in common with me. They’d be happy that I’ve met someone that I actually genuinely like spending time with rather than just hanging out to appease the notion of normality.”

Michael laughed, “You like hanging out with me, do you?”

I nodded, finally deciding that it was okay to admit it. “I invited you here, didn’t I? I just told you things that I haven’t even told my best friend…”

“I’m honored, Jade. I really am.” He replied, and I knew he meant it. I gave him my best smile and said nothing more. 

Everything was fantastic! I couldn’t have been more pleased if I wanted to be. I had spent two full days with Jade. We had dinner together and she invited me back very casually the following day, the Sunday, to watch videos and pike out on the couch. It was so much fun.

We ate so much food that I felt like I could have popped. Enjoying food was still an unusual concept to me, but Jade made me comfortable with it real quick. She had earlier proclaimed to me that she wasn’t much of a cook, but I soon learned that it was a lie. Well, at least she was doing better than me, anyway. The most elaborate thing that I could cook was hot dogs, and I didn’t even eat them!

Jade baked brownies and had chips and all types of different crackers, as if she was expecting to have a party. I was a bit surprised at first, but she laughed in return of the strange look I was giving all of the food, “Hey, if we’re gonna go all out and spend the day being lazy sloths, we may as well do it properly, right?”

I lifted a cube of cheese between my fingers and examined it. “I shouldn’t even be eating half of this stuff…” I smirked before plopping it in to my mouth without a cracker. “I’m supposed to lay low on the dairy.”

Jade raised her eyebrow, “Boy please, you don’t want to make a girl feel fat now do you?” She looked my thin frame up and down. “You’re stick thin, you could do with a bit of fattening up.”

I knew that it had to be the truth since my Mother also regularly told me the same thing. “I’m sorry. Everyone around me tells me what I should and shouldn’t be eating. It’s kind of been beaten in to me, not to pig out on food.”

She just laughed as if it were fictional. “I won’t tell anyone.”

And that sealed the deal for me. I helped her bring the piles of junk food in to the living room with a smile growing on my face. It was rare that I would allow myself to misbehave, let loose and do what I was told not to.

We watched movie after movie and talked between them and sometimes even during them. I told her a lot about my life on tour and the way my brothers were, and my reasons for being so different to them.

“Can I ask you something really bold?” She blurted out during the climax of a really, really bad Beatles movie that depicted the groupie lifestyle as fashionable and desirable. Jade and I had been injecting smarmy remarks all the way through. I was glad she saw through it.

It was a well-timed distraction from such a pile of horse shit on film. “Sure” I answered, wondering what was going through her head. I loved those beautiful green eyes of hers. She had her brown hair pulled back off of her face and looked up at me sitting beside her thoughtfully.

“I know you said you don’t… but have you ever hooked up with a groupie?” She asked.

I could feel my cheeks brightening a little and I tried to stifle an embarrassed smile. It wasn’t a guilty “found-out” smile, but rather one that was a little thrown by quite how direct her question was. “Do you mean… have I … slept with a groupie?”

She shrugged, “Slept with, dated, fooled around…whatever, you don’t have to answer.”

I shook my head immediately. “Never. Not groupies. You can set apart fans from the girls that are there for just one thing. I sometimes spend time with my fans, but only ever in secure environments and in groups so that nothing can be used against me.” I explained. “But I have never ever slept with a fan or a groupie.” I paused, -- “Or anyone.”

She did a double take and her eyes widened, “What? You? A virgin! No way.” She laughed.

If it had of came from anyone else I probably would have been a bit offended, but I wasn’t. “Really.” I insisted, eager for her to believe me.

“Why not then, what’s stopped you? You’ve had girlfriends and stuff, right?” She asked a little more personally.

I nodded, “Of course I have, Jade, but you know too, that just cause you’re in a relationship doesn’t really require to have sex with someone, especially if you’re not ready.” I told her, “And I want to make sure I’m going to lose my virginity to someone who I love whole-heartedly, who I know loves me back just the same. It’s got to be absolutely perfect.”

I loved that I could be brutally honest with her and I didn’t have any reservations about what I told her. She smiled. “You’re going to make someone really happy one day with that kind of attitude.” She complimented me.

It made my heart beat a little harder, you know. I wanted just to kiss her right then and there and get it over with. The feelings that overflowed my heart for her were kind of hard to reign at times like this. I had never met anyone that I could feel so comfortable with. I had known her for just over a month and already I was feeling things for her that I’d never experienced with any other woman.

“Thanks…” I murmured. I wanted to tell her that I thought that she would be the perfect girl that every decent guy dreamed of, but I decided against it, for fear it would be more of a personal admission than a passing compliment. “It’s so hard to meet decent people in my industry, though. Everyone has their own agenda.”

“It’s not just in your industry.” She quietly lamented.

With this depressing thought, we both picked up food as if on cue and started munching away.

“Oh man, look at us… both pathetic and single, eating like fat ass Americans in front of the TV, no wonder we don’t have partners.” She laughed.

I joined in as well, it was pretty funny. We really were eating like pigs, but I didn’t care cause I had such a great time with her.

It was a crap feeling to have to end our weekend together. I promised I’d call her through the week and left when it became clear that we were both were too tired to eat or watch anymore TV.

**

I wasn’t expecting to hear from her again so soon, but the very next day while I was about to leave the house, I received a phone call. I could tell from the shakiness within her tone that something was amiss.

I had to go, I hated myself for needing to end the conversation, but I was meeting the damn mayor. I wished I could put it off, but I didn’t think I was going to be able to. It had to be a matter of life or death. “Jade, is everything okay?” I asked gently.

“Can I come over, Michael?” She asked through a restrained voice. I knew that voice was one that was stifling tears. Immediately I forgot my appointment.

“Of course. Is there something wrong?” I asked.

“I just need to talk to someone….” Her voice trailed off. I knew something terrible must have happened, but I couldn’t imagine what. She certainly wasn’t the type of girl who got upset over a broken nail or a bad hair day.

“Okay sweet heart, are you okay to drive or do you want me to come and get you?” I asked, thinking quickly. I knew that my advisor was going to kick my ass for this stunt, but I didn’t care.

“I’m about to drive home from the hospital. I’m not too far away.” Her voice finally cracked.

“Are you hurt? Is everything okay?” Immediately my heart was in my throat, sick with worry that something had happened to her. My mind was filled with thoughts of her ex boyfriend, he better hope to God that he had nothing to do with her reasons for being at the hospital.

“I’m fine. I’ll be there really soon.”

I let out a sigh of relief and ended the conversation so that she could arrive quicker. I had to quickly cancel my day. This was going to induce a temper tantrums from probably everyone in my inner circle, but so what. The mayor could wait. This was important.

I opened the door to my apartment and she basically collapsed in to my arms. Her cheeks were blotchy and her eyes were puffed. She was in a state that I was least expecting to find her in. She let me pull her inward toward my chest. I curled my arms around her, reaching over to shut the door behind her. I did my best to soothe her. My heart stirred with concern and worry. I had no faint idea what had gone on, but I didn’t expect her to be able to blurt it all out, because her tears were enough to take away her ability to speak rationally.

I was the type of person that usually threw himself in to sympathy mode. If I saw a person crying, it made me want to cry. If I saw someone in physical pain, I would wince as though I too, had been struck. So when I saw Jade hurting, I too, hurt for her. My heart was heavy, as though I was carrying whatever burden she had been encumbered with. I kissed the top of her head softly. I didn’t actually say anything because I knew it would be futile to tell her things would be okay if they weren’t going to be.

“Come on…” I said gently, “Let’s go on in and sit down, okay?” I spoke to her in my most tender voice. She nodded and wiped her eyes. She apologized tearfully for the state in which she had arrived. I knew she had to have been ashamed, but obviously not so much so that it stopped her from coming to me.

“Don’t say sorry.” I said simply, taking her hand and guiding her to my living room. It wasn’t quite as immaculate as it had been the first time she had arrived. I had a double blanket and a pillow on the couch as I’d slept there and watched television all night.

I moved the blanket and threw the pillow to the armchair and motioned for her to sit down. She took a seat and I joined her. At first we didn’t say anything. She sat a bit stiffly, her hands in her laps trying to regain her composure. I watched her intently and stroked her hair softly. Amazingly, she didn’t flinch. “Do you want to talk about it?” I asked after giving her enough time.

“It’s all my fault…” She murmured softly. Her green eyes seemed full of regret. I wanted to hold her close again. “If I had of been there more… If I had of called her…” She wept. A lone tear trickled down her cheek and I felt bad for thinking that she had never been more beautiful. However, my stomach was in a knot and my heart sank knowing obviously that something tragic had occurred.

“Who?” I asked, taking one of her hands in both of mine, folding my fingers around hers.

“Gabrielle.” She said her name as if it was going to poison her. I had heard of Gabrielle before, just in passing. From what I knew it was her best friend. Or a best friend that she didn’t really like to see anymore. “I kept making excuses not to see her, or I … couldn’t be fucking bothered talking to her about her drug problem…” A fresh new wave of tears flooded her eyes. I knew she was trying to hold them back, but she couldn’t.

“What happened, sweetheart?” I prompted her.

“She overdosed last night and she’s in a coma.”

“Oh, Jade, I’m so sorry…” I almost gasped in shock. I pulled her close to me again, strange that just minutes ago I had wanted to have her against me so bad, but those thoughts had been exchanged for feelings that were sick with empathy. 

“It’s my fault… if I had of just-“

“It’s not your fault.” I said firmly, interrupting her what-if game. “Gabrielle wouldn’t want you to blame yourself.” I knew everything that was spurting out of my lips was pure cliché and Jade probably knew it too, but what else was there to say?

She didn’t say anything really. She made a few feeble protests but mostly she collapsed with exhausted tears in to my embrace. I was really surprised by how tightly she clutched on to me, as if she never wanted to let me go. I was concerned for her, for her friend. I kissed her softly on the top of her head and stroked her hair, promising that whatever happened, she had me. I’m not entirely sure if that was any consolation but it seemed to be exactly what she needed to hear.

We sit on my couch together as my home phone rang repeatedly. I could only imagine that it would be my personal assistant or someone from the management team demanding me to rethink my cancellation. I couldn’t though. There was no way I was going to be leaving Jade by herself.

“Have you had any sleep at all?” I asked her softly. She shook her head. “Her idiot friends called me at just after 1am. They were too scared to call her parents or an ambulance because they would get in to trouble.” She wiped fresh tears as she explained what had gone on. “They asked me if I could come so they could leave…”

“You’re joking…” I murmured. I had no idea people could be so ruthless. Well, actually, I did, but it never ceased to amaze me.

“I told them to call the God damn paramedics and I called her parents and sped over to her apartment. And all her so-called friends were gone.”

“What! They just left her?”

“They all scattered…” Jade nodded. She tried to halt her tears, but as I looked her in the eye, after she had broke from the embrace we were previously in, I could see them quickly filling again. I leaned over and with my thumb, I wiped away a tear that rolled down her cheek. She said nothing, but looked away from me, down at her hands in front of her. It was a moment of conscious vulnerability on her behalf. She hadn’t realized just how much of a raw perspective of herself she had given me.

“I’ve been at the hospital all night with her parents.” She told me. “They’re both absolutely hysterical. Her mother started blaming me, thinking I was there with her all night…”

“Oh no…” I tried to imagine how traumatic it must have been to find her friend overdosed, to deal with her parents and to put up with their accusations when she was only being a friend. “They know now that it was nothing to do with you right?”

Jade shrugged, “I don’t know… everything that happened is just a blur… I could hear them talking to me I just wasn’t really paying attention…” Her voice trailed off. “In the end I couldn’t be there anymore, and I don’t want my parents to know Gaby was on drugs…”

I understood. The phone in the background ringing repeatedly was such a distraction. I had to get it. “I’m sorry Michael, you must be so busy… you better answer your phone.”

“Don’t apologize. I’m never too busy for you, Jade.” When the phone stopped ringing and then immediately started again, I groaned with annoyance. “I’m just going to see which persistent jerk it is calling me, and I’ll be right back.”

“Okay.” She agreed. I think she wanted the moment to re-gather her composure. I got up and headed to the kitchen to take the call. I picked up the phone dreading to hear who was at the other end.

“Hello?” I was always careful never to sound too much like myself when I answered the phone. I was afraid of fans finding my number, or worse – crazy people. It had happened quite often.

“Michael, it’s Sarah.” I groaned again, interiorly.

“Hi Sarah.” I replied in monotone. I knew my ass was about to be kicked. Sarah was my manager. She was so high-strung and in most cases, she just wouldn’t take no for an answer. She wasn’t scared to get on my case, I knew that this was going to be one of those times. I was usually just far too polite to put her in her place.

“What’s going on? I just received a message on my machine from a pissed-off P.A that works for Rolland Shepart saying that you’ve cancelled at the last minute. I re-assured her it was a mistake.”

I felt angry that she had done that without consulting me. “Are you kidding?” I asked with disbelief. “Sarah, I know it was important, but I have personal issues that are sought priority. You better call her and tell her you made a mistake.”

“What personal issues? Michael this better not be one of those, ‘I don’t feel like it’ cancellations, you can’t do that to these people.”

One feigned illness to get out of meeting Ronald Reagan and suddenly you’re forever under suspicion. I stifled a smile. “Sarah, this is serious. I’m not going today. I have other things that I have to do and they take priority and I know I’m letting them down, but this can’t be helped.”

Sarah grumbled for a few moments about the importance of my work before pretty much slamming the phone down in my ear. I hated that just because I was a musician, my employees expected my life to revolve around my work. Sometimes I just didn’t feel like going to work, or meeting certain people who I was supposed to be impressed by. Mostly meetings with other musicians, corporate bigwigs or political figures disinterested me. I felt more regal in the presence of children or people who actually possessed personalities. None of this show biz shit for me, it was all over my head. I was tired of it.

I headed back to the living room, Jade had helped herself to some tissues from the coffee table and tried to fix herself up a bit. “Do you want me to make you a coffee or tea or something?” I asked, “something to eat?”

“Coffee. Please.” She answered. As I went to go and fetch her some, she called to me. “Michael, I’m so sorry for putting all of this on you. I feel terrible.” She apologized feebly.

I gave her a half smile and made my way back to the couch and sat down. I knew it was so hard for her to come to me for help, or anyone for that matter, so I understood how desperate and alone she must have been feeling. It was hard for me also to convey myself emotionally to someone who I was scared of getting too involved with – but Jade seemed to wash that feeling away. I took her hand in mine and threaded her fingers through my own.

“You shouldn’t be feeling terrible on the account of coming to see me, Jade. We’re friends, and I’m honored that you came to me. I’m here for you whenever you need me… You’re always welcome here. My home is your home.” I told her sincerely. “I don’t want you to apologize or think you’ve impeded on my time. I’m happy to have you here, whatever the situation.”

I realized how much that meant to her; probably something that she had been long needing to hear. That she had a friend, a true one. One that wanted absolutely nothing from her in return, with no expectations or emotional blackmail games to throw back at her. Her eyes filled up again. I put my arm around her. “I don’t know if it means anything to you, but you can trust me with anything.”

“It does.” She murmured in a tiny voice. At that moment, I knew that part of her tears were a reluctant farewell to the fear of letting herself become vulnerable to me. She had been slowly but surely letting go of that fear for awhile, and now it had dissipated completely. I was proud of her. I was also proud of myself. Persistence always reaped rewards. I’d gained an amazing friend of whom I was absolutely crazy about – and I didn’t care if we never became more than friends.

I hugged gently and kissed her cheek and got up to make us both a coffee.

**

Jade was exhausted. She had expressed an interest after lunch in going back to the hospital, but there was no way I was going to allow her behind the wheel of her car in the state that she was in. She needed sleep and I was determined to make sure she got it.

I got a call at around lunch time from Sarah again who had deemed it imperative that I go and meet with her to sign some contract for Lord only knew what… I agreed albeit hesitantly. I decided that during that time, I would persuade Jade to take a nap. We had sat about quietly both taking up entire couches, sprawling out, watching mindless TV shows in the darkened living room. There was mostly silence between us, I asked a couple of times if she wanted to eat, but she wasn’t interested. She stared mostly blankly at the screen. I knew she probably wasn’t even paying attention but it served as a little attention diversion.

“Sweetheart, I have to go and do something at my manager’s office.” I announced, returning back to the living room after I ended the call.

“Oh…” Jade sat up. “Why didn’t you say so?” She went to get up, thinking that I was kicking her out.

“No…” I put my hand gently on her shoulder, “stay here… it’s fine. I’ll only be gone for about an hour. Why don’t you hang out here and try to rest some, you’ve almost been up for 24 hrs.” I suggested tenderly.

She gave me a piercing stare, as if she was trying to figure out why I was being so kind, or why I was so concerned. “I’ve been here long enough I should go back and see how she is.” She finally said.

“Jade, come on. I’m not going to let you drive.” I could tell how fatigued she was by the bags under eyes and the way she was speaking sluggishly. I knew there was a big part of her that was possibly still in shock after finding her best friend in such a state. I couldn’t blame her. “It’s not safe for you to get behind the wheel.”

“I’ll be fine.” She protested feebly. “I just want to know how she’s doing. I can’t stand not doing anything.”

“Look, you’re not a doctor, Jade, there’s nothing you can do.” I tried my best to be gentle as I convinced her. “You did everything right. You were first to her side, you made sure she got off to the hospital and you explained as best you could to her parents what the situation was.” I reminded her.

“But I was too late…” She said softly. I noticed her blinking back tears. I felt my heart absolutely melting.

“It’s not your fault.” I told her. “You were the perfect friend to her last night, Jade. You did everything that you could.” I insisted. I extended my hand out to her. “Come on, come with me…”

She reluctantly took my hand and I helped her up off of the couch. I put an arm around her waist and showed her upstairs. Upstairs was my bedroom, the guestroom, a playroom for my nephews and nieces and just a bathroom.

I opened the door of the guestroom that was really quite beautiful. It had been done up in a mauve color scheme. There was a double bed in the middle of a large and spacious room. It had a large bookcase in the corner with all types of reading material imaginable and a cupboard with fresh towels and wash cloths.

“Why don’t you make yourself at home, take a shower and have a nap or whatever you want. I promise you’ll feel even just that tiny bit better about things.”

“Okay…” She finally agreed. I showed her where the towels were and made sure that I was clear that she should help herself to anything she wanted or needed.

“I’ll be back in no more than an hour.” I promised “and if you want I’ll drive you to the hospital or we can give them a call or something.”

She nodded in agreement but her expression was pretty empty. Surprising me, when I went to leave her, she grabbed my wrist gently. I turned to see what was up. She said nothing and gave me a warm hug. I never realized how needy she was until that moment. In a way it pleased me to know that she had let me in to her little world completely and obviously trusted me enough to show me affection, but I felt so sorry that it was a situation like this, that made her realize how much I cared for her.

I embraced her back with as much emotion and care. I rubbed her back lightly. She drew away after a few short moments and thanked me.

“My pleasure.” I replied. “I’ll be back soon. Call me if you need anything.” I told her, and left a number by the phone in case she needed to reach me.

**

“You know, Michael, I have every right to be pissed with you today. Mr. Shepart is a busy man.” She reminded me.

“Yeah, well news flash, Sarah, so am I.” I threw back with irate. I didn’t go to her office for this shit. I wanted to sign the contracts and get the hell out of there. “I bet Rolland Shepart even gets the day off work if something important comes along.” I added.

She glared at me with her dark brown eyes and just shook her head as if she couldn’t believe I was acting in such a way. How dare I? I thought mockingly.

“So are you going to tell me what important thing suddenly came up, or am I going to have to assume that you decided to throw a sick day.” She wondered.

I wanted to tell her to loosen her skin-tight pants suit, ‘cause it was cutting off the flow of oxygen to her usually intelligent brain. I hated having to answer to people, but I hated even more when people assumed I was lying. “A friend of mine needed me urgently.”

Sarah lit a cigarette and drew back hard. She turned her head and blew the smoke away from me. I hated smoke with a passion. I couldn’t stand the smell, and just the fact she was smoking in the same room as me, annoyed me. I knew though, that it was almost like her little spiteful way of getting back at me for pissing her off. Ah, I worked with all kinds of mature. “And what? The friend didn’t have anyone else they could go to?”

“As a matter of fact, no.” I replied with defiance, we were staring each-other out. I was determined not to turn away from her glare first. I was not going to let her win this battle. “Sometimes, people need to remember that Michael Jackson- The Entertainer is not my entire life. I’m not a machine Sarah. I eat, sleep and shit just like you.”

She raised her eyebrow, probably surprised by me cursing. It was irregular for me to even use the word, “damn”. I’m sure she was reeling in shock on the inside.

“Yes.” I added, “Hard to believe, I know. But it’s true.” 

“Look, Michael. You employ me to do a certain job, I’m just doing that job. You pay me to make sure you do your job, so unless you keep up with yours, I am not completing mine. When you pull out of something without telling me, and I receive barrages of angry calls from secretaries of God knows who, I feel like I’m fighting a losing battle. It makes me look bad and then it makes you look bad.”

“Well then maybe today is just the day that I’ll look bad. I’m fine with that. I’m human, you know, and I actually have a personal life as well. If Rolland Shepart won’t meet with me in the future, I really don’t give a stuffed pig. I could have cared less about meeting with him to begin with.” I admitted. “Now you said there was some contracts…”

I wasn’t going to let her continue walking all over me and talking down to me just because she was fifteen years older than I was. Hell, I was still paying her bills. I was the boss. I wanted to get out of there. Her smoke-filled office was choking me and I was more concerned with how Jade was doing back home.

Sarah got up from the desk, stubbing her cigarette out in to an ashtray and went to a filing cabinet. She put a couple of papers before me and crossed where I needed to sign. “It’s for the Oncology Unit at Core Medic Children’s Hospital.” She informed me. I glanced over the paper briefly. It was a simple document pledging half a million dollars for treatments and technology. I signed the paper and glanced at the next one.

“What’s this?” I asked, it was something rather unfamiliar.

“Sheba Sanchez asking permission to sample Off The Wall” I almost laughed Sheba Sanchez was a one-hit-wonder who sounded as though she sucked a balloon full of helium before she performed some manky techno-electronica.

“And Epic are okay with this?” I asked, amused.

Sarah gave a shrug as she lit another cigarette. She didn’t usually smoke this much, she was definitely just trying to piss me off. “I suppose.”

“Well it’s not okay with me.” I informed her, crumpling the document in my hand. Why on Earth would I let some classless act desecrate a song that I hoped in generations would become a classic? Screw that. “Just get someone to write her a refusal.” I told my manager.

“Anything else?”

“Just these…” She pointed a stubby, ungroomed fingernail down at another paper. “They’re just the charity stuff though.”

“No problem.” I started signing my name on the dotted line. I knew I was signing way easily around 2million dollars, but in honesty, it was water off a ducks back. It was just money, it meant nothing to me. I was comfortable, so was my family – there was no need for greed. If someone else could have benefit immensely from my earnings then I was more than happy to share it.

I stood up. “Keep duties light for the next few days.” I said breezily as I walked out of her office, not giving her a chance to say a single word in reply.

**

I arrived home after an hour or so and went straight in to check on Jade. She wasn’t in the guest room, the bed was untouched so I knew she hadn’t been sleeping. I went back downstairs and found her curled up on the couch with the television going. Her hair looked damp, so I assume she had showered. She was sleeping soundly. She looked so sweet that I couldn’t bear to disturb her. I covered her over with a quilt and took a now-cold coffee cup from the table to the kitchen to rinse.

I set myself down on the other couch and turned the cartoon network on. It felt so good to be doing absolutely nothing. Maybe I should have thought more about setting aside a day off every single week. A day without business phone calls, meetings or anyone getting on my case about something or another. Wow, the thought was as sweet as heaven. I decided whole-heartedly that I’d look in to it.

Around 5pm Jade was still sleeping. She had tossed and turned a fair bit, so I gathered her sleep was obviously disturbed. I decided it was time to get something to eat. I needed something light and easy that wouldn’t end in disaster. This was going to be a lot to ask.

I awoke from a disturbing dream about Gaby and sat up. I was covered in a cold sweat and I could feel myself shaking. My hair was still damp from the shower and I felt like the state that I’d left Gaby in.

I rubbed my eyes. I wished that someone would wake me up from this abhorrent nightmare. I felt so ashamed of myself. Every time Gaby had called me seeking advice, I told her what she wanted to hear just so I could get off the phone and get back to my stupid fucking self-indulgent, pathetic lifestyle.

I couldn’t get the image I’d found her in, out of my head. I hadn’t seen her for possibly more than two months and boy did she look different. She had lost so much weight and it made her look even more fragile. She was gaunt and her complexion was so pasty. I knew that it was definitely the drugs.

When I arrived I was absolutely shocked to find all the doors to her apartment open, as if all of her so-called friends, including her new boyfriend had just bolted. I was disgusted that they could do such a thing. I checked first to see if she was conscious which she was. I tried to wake her by slapping her cheeks gently. Around her mouth was vomit and foam, obviously from convulsions. I made sure her airways were clear as the paramedics had instructed me to do.

Something went wrong between then and when the paramedics arrived. She stopped breathing and they managed to resuscitate her. I felt to blame, even though deep down I knew there was nothing more I could do, Michael tried to convince me too… It was just all such a horrible situation which I couldn’t escape thinking about.

I remembered how I had checked her pupils by lifting her eyelids and they looked back at me lifelessly. I felt like vomiting myself at the thought of it all.

Her parents had screamed at me when they arrived to the hospital, as if they believed that I was part of it – as if I was the one responsible for Gaby’s state. Her Mom knew me so well, I was so hurt. I was in such a state as it was. I had been hysterically crying as I watched the paramedics stabilize her condition in the back of the ambulance, thinking that she was actually gone. One of the assistants tried her best to calm me down and assured me Gaby was in the best hands.

Obviously the best hadn’t been good enough.

I pushed the thoughts to the back of my mind as I noticed Michael coming in. I had been sleeping for hours, I felt bad. I was sure I had entirely wore out my welcome. I was so thankful to him though. He was the very support that I needed and comforted me better than anyone could have.

“Hey…” He gave me a gentle smile. It was one of those pity ones that you receive when someone is certain you’re about to turn in to a basket case. I didn’t blame him; I’d pretty much been a basket case from the moment I arrived.

“Hi…”

“I’m not sure if you’re hungry, but I’ve made us some dinner, I was just going to come and wake you to see if you wanted something.”

His sweetness was melting my heart. I didn’t know what on Earth I could possibly say to convey my gratitude to him. “Thanks Michael, I’d love to eat.” I wasn’t hungry at all, but he had gone to the trouble, how could I turn him down?

“Okay, just sit tight.” He smiled. I loved his messy curly hair. It looked better when it was dry, without product, natural, bed-head look. I loved it. He was wearing pajama-style black cotton pants and a white T-shirt. I guess it was his house clothes. He looked great. And here I was, looking probably like a dropped custard tart.

Fortunately for me, for whatever reason, Michael wasn’t deterred.

I gave him a weak smile in return.

**

The pasta he made sat before me in a bowl. He had told me that there was plenty left if I wanted more. In fact, it made my stomach rumble; it looked delicious.

As I took a bite, I learned for the umpteenth time in my life, that looks were definitely deceiving. I was so glad that Michael had left the room for just a second, because I had shamelessly gagged. The pasta was crunchy and by God, there was a lot of sauce. And salt? I wondered if he had used the entire shaker. I tried to compose myself and swallowed it with a glass of water. He arrived just as I set the cup down.

“How is it? Is it okay? I hope it’s okay.” He said, self-consciously. How could I break his heart after all the effort he had gone to? I couldn’t very well tell him that his food tasted like feet.

“It’s great.” I smiled falsely. Probably way too falsely for someone who’s best friend was fresh in a coma. I prayed he would think it tasted fab, or else he was about to realize how badly I lied.

He took a bite a forkful of his own pasta and suddenly made a disgusted groan. He grabbed his napkin and spat it back in to it. “Oh my God… you lied!” He accused me, half-mortified and half amused. I knew he was embarrassed, I could tell by the look on his face.

I tried to save face. “no… really.”

“Jade!” He reprimanded me. “It tastes like … soggy water from an old boot. Yuck!” He got up, disgusted, and grabbed my plate from me without giving me a chance to protest. “There is no way we are eating this.” I was secretly glad.

He came back to the living room with the portable phone. “Let’s order pizza.”

That was fine with me. I wasn’t even hungry, it didn’t bother me either way, but I agreed with his plans.

**

“I’m really sorry that I ruined your day…” I sighed. I put down the nibbled slice of pizza I’d spent the past half an hour picking at. “I’m sure you had other things planned.”

I avoided his gaze. I knew whatever I apologized for he was going to insist that it was okay anyway.

“Not really.” He replied, “And stop apologizing. I told you that you’re welcome here whenever.”

I knew he meant it, and if I kept apologizing he would probably start to get annoyed. I know it annoyed me when people constantly went on and on about things. We both sat in front of the coffee table as we ate. Well, as he ate. I was just picking.

“How do you feel after your sleep, anyway?” He inquired after some silence. He looked at me with his beautiful eyes. I remembered how they used to unnerve me, but now the way he looked at me left me feeling comforted.

“You were right, I feel a bit better. I guess it’s all starting to sink in.” I replied, quietly. “It’s still just so unreal.”

“Do you have any idea what type of drugs she had been taking?” Michael asked me. It was the same question they asked me in the back of the ambulance, but of course I could only guess.

I gave a shrug. “I knew she was using marijuana, but I didn’t think it was excessive, and obviously it was more than just pot that made her overdose…” I felt so helpless. It wasn’t a feeling that I was used to.

Michael slipped an arm around me, as I stared blankly in to the almost-empty pizza box as if I was trying to figure out how it all went so wrong. I suppose I was still in shock, even if I didn’t recognize it at the time. I inched closer to him. I was tired of shutting him out when I knew I didn’t want to. I was tired of playing games with myself, cutting off my nose to spite my face. It was all so silly. “I distanced myself from her because of the way her lifestyle started to change…” I admitted, “Maybe that was selfish of me…”

“I don’t associate with people who make a lifestyle out of being drunk and high.” He informed me, “I don’t blame you, I probably would have done the same thing. Sometimes we have to protect ourselves.”

“Yeah…” I agreed to a certain extent. “I just wonder if maybe I could have tried to see if there was any deeper reasons to why she turned to that. The whole thing just reminded me of Aaron all over again. I know that’s so selfish.” I hoped he didn’t think I was a bad person for not being there for my friend.

“That’s not selfish.” He contradicted me. “Not at all. She should have realized that, and maybe not flaunt it in front of you…”

I hesitated to tell him what I wasn’t sure he already knew. “I never told Gaby about the things Aaron did to me.” I said quietly. “She knew I was in a bad relationship, Michael, but only you know the whole truth of it.”

He widened his eyes a little bit. I gave him a few moments to digest it. He gave me a little bit of a smile. “I’m really honored that you trusted me with that, Jade.”

I felt like cringing at the word trust, and my own name mixed with it. It seemed like such an oxymoron but the feeling left me when I looked in to Michael’s sincere and compassionate eyes. I knew what was the truth – he would never hurt me. He was a beautiful, giving, big-hearted man who wanted nothing from me. He’d been honest with me from day one, raw, honest and entirely sincere.

His smile disappeared after a few seconds as I intently held his gaze. I looked at his lips, smooth, pink and inviting. He was looking me over with seriousness, as if he was taking in my every tiny move.

I found myself involuntarily closing my eyes and pressing my lips softly against his. My heart beat fast against my chest with a surge of adrenaline and a thought that I had just acted completely inappropriately. His lips were slightly moist and felt warm against mine. He put a hand on my shoulder and I quickly pulled away. I realized how stupid my action was, I felt horrible.

“Oh God, Michael I am so sorry.” I apologized, not even allowing myself to look at his face. “I don’t know what came over-“

His body turned toward me, and he curled his fingers around my upper arms, steadying me, from flipping out further. My head was absolutely spinning with confusion. What had I just done? I knew my feelings for him weren’t platonic, they hadn’t been from the get-go, but I assumed that his had been for me.

I was entirely unprepared for what happened next. I looked at him in surprise as he leaned in and kissed my lips. His eyes were closed, so I closed mine too, ignoring what was going on inside my head. I surrendered myself to him and let my heart make the decisions. Interiorly, I was freaking out, he was the first guy I’d ever had feelings for since Aaron. In my head it was wrong, I was telling myself that he was taking advantage of my state of mind, but thankfully my heart knew better.

He held me so tenderly as he kissed me romantically – just how I imagined they did in the movies. I remembered my first kiss with Aaron as being awkward and sloppy and nothing at all like I’d dreamed as a little girl. With Michael, it was exactly how I had imagined it to be and more.

His hands glided with such gentleness from my shoulders down until he was holding both of my hands. His mouth was so warm and tasted so sweet, despite the fact that we’d just had pizza. I partially felt guilty for enjoying the moment so much when my best friend was in hospital in a coma, but for the moment, Gaby and her drug problem was selfishly forgotten. I didn’t care, all I cared about was my kiss with Michael.

There wasn’t a lot about the kiss that was physically intimate, but yet the moment that he’d made the move in, was definitely one of intimacy and perfection. I appreciated that he didn’t attempt to choke me by shoving his tongue in to my throat as did my ex-boyfriend on the first few times we kissed. It probably would have been over much quicker, if he had.

He pressed his lips together, ending it and even as I pulled away from him my eyes remained closed, as if I was savoring every last moment of it. Finally, feeling a bit foolish, I opened them. I saw that he was watching me, as if he was anticipating my reaction. I felt dizzy, actually. My head spun with confusion and my heart was swollen with emotion. I wanted to hug him, I wanted to say something meaningful but instead I sat there, a little speechless.

This was certainly not what I had expected to happen.

“I…” He began stammering, “I’ve um…” He paused and tried to find better words to express himself. “I hope that I wasn’t inappropriate—“ I could tell he was about as nervous as I felt, waiting for my reaction.

I couldn’t help myself. I smiled shyly at him. “It wasn’t.” I said, finding the courage to meet his gaze. I couldn’t help but notice that his eyes were sparkling, he seemed so happy but he masked it beneath a cool exterior so well.

“Does that mean….that you like me too?” He asked sweetly.

I was gob-smacked. Michael Jackson liked me? I couldn’t hide it. I nodded. It seemed like the sweetest music to my ears, that he too had feelings for me. The insecurities in my head were running overtime and I was doing my best to continue shutting them down. My heart pounded hard and I wasn’t quite sure what to tell him.

“This is awkward isn’t it?” He said with a bit of a sigh.

Thankfully his remark broke the ice. It sure was awkward. I gave a tension-relieving laugh. “Yeah…”

“I just want you to know that that kiss just now meant a lot to me.” He told me honestly, “But still I have no expectations of it, especially with how things are for you right now. I’m going to leave the ball in your court.”

I struggled to understand what he meant by that so I just stared at him, expecting him to explain more. I didn’t know if that meant he wanted to pursue anything with me, or if it was just a kiss to him. I knew my heart would sink if he didn’t expect something from me. “What does that mean?” I just blurted out.

He looked at me fondly, “I like you Jade, so much. I just don’t want to put any pressure on you. I have feelings for you, I thought it was obvious—but, to me our friendship is far more important than anything else. I guess I’m saying if you’re interested in me, in any kind of way, I’m willing to wait for however long it will take you to feel ready to start something with me.” He paused, “I hope that’s not being too presumptuous.”

I shook my head as if to signify that it wasn’t. He was being amazingly accommodating. I knew that at that moment my head was far too preoccupied with Gaby to be making any wild decisions about my feelings for Michael, but there was something there. I wanted to act on it, and I knew it wasn’t going to go away.

“Thank you.” I said sincerely. He held his arms out to give him a hug. “Your friendship means the most to me, Michael. I’m sorry that I was so closed to you before.”

He smiled, and embraced me warmly. The awkwardness seemed to dissipate pretty fast and we were able to go back to regular conversation. Although, if Michael’s mind was anything like mine, we were both unable to think of anything else but what had happened.

**

We sat in Michael’s off-white Chevrolet in the hospital parking. “Now am I noticeable or not?” he asked as he fit a Yankees cap over his fuzzy head of hair. I gave him over and shook my head. My hands were a little bit shaky. He had offered to come inside with me, to be a hand to hold. I wanted that – in fact, I needed that.

We didn’t want him to be recognized though. It was late, we knew that we could probably dodge people easily, but we didn’t want to be too lazy about it. The last thing Michael needed was the media following him about, and the last thing I needed was to explain to everyone how and why I was hanging with Michael Jackson.

We got out of the car and started heading toward the entryway, the same way as I had left the night before. I didn’t realize it, but I was walking quite a few steps ahead of Michael, who was left back at the car locking up. He jogged with light feet to catch up with me. I felt a cold breeze blow right through the underground car park and I hugged myself, rubbing my arms trying to keep warm. I was trembling, but I knew it wasn’t because of the cold.

With each step, my legs felt heavier as we made our way toward the entry. I barely felt Michael’s protective arms around me, rubbing my shoulders, helping to warm me. He was worried about me, and that should have been enough to warm my heart. But it wasn’t. I was scared that I would still find my beautiful best friend in a drug-induced coma, unresponsive to any treatments.

I molded my body close against Michael’s comfortably without any hesitance or reluctance. I felt as though I wasn’t alone for the first time in so many months. I felt that I had no reason to resist him or be afraid of him, because above all else he was my friend and if he did want more from us, there wasn’t any sick ulterior motives that presented themselves at inappropriate moments.

“You’re shaking…” He remarked gently as he slipped a hand in to mine as we walked a little cautiously down the corridor, avoiding anyone else’s curious glances. Michael kept his head down, which was probably for the best.

“I’m scared.” I admitted. “I hope she’s better.”

I hadn’t thought about what would happen if her parents were there and they caught sight of Michael. I hoped that we could avoid it. I went straight to where I had last seen my best friend the night before. The room was now empty. I felt the tears burning my eyes as they spilled over my cheeks as I assumed the worst.

“Where is she!” I exclaimed loudly. It turned some heads, “Where’s Gabrielle?!” I asked a random nurse walking past.

“It’s okay…” He whispered to me. He sat me down in a hard plastic chair in the corridor. “It’s okay.” He repeated. “Sit here, I’ll go and ask about her. What’s her last name?”

I could barely talk. It was too much for me to handle. While I had been at Michael’s place farting around, my best friend had passed on. What kind of person did that make me? I took deep gasps for air as I tried to come to terms with the fact that I had failed her. As a result she wasn’t here anymore.

“Jade?” Michael prompted me. “It’s okay.” He sort of, crouched a little before me. “Maybe they just moved her.” He kissed my hairline. “I need to know what her last name is.”

“Mannings.” I managed to eject from my lips as I felt the weight of a thousand bricks on top of me. The room swirled and my heart-beat was so hard against my chest. I couldn’t even sob like I knew I wanted to. It was a hard thing to describe, but I was so panicked. The stucco walls that surrounded me felt as though they were closing in, suffocating me and I couldn’t breathe.

Michael promised he would be back in no less than a short minute. He walked with haste to the nurse’s station. I saw him press his finger to his lips, I supposed they recognized him. They served him very promptly and he said thank you very graciously. He walked slowly toward me. I stood up. He hugged me tightly, knowing how desperate I was to know that Gaby was okay. “She was moved, Jade. It’s okay. Come on…”

“She’s okay?” I asked.

“They didn’t say…” He slipped his hand in to mine and pulled me back along a corridor. I wiped my eyes. I felt so stupid for assuming the worst, but I couldn’t help it. Even with the information that she had been moved, I couldn’t help but think that the state of her condition couldn’t have improved too much overnight.

I looked down at the stupid loose jeans I had worn all night. I started thinking of the most random things as we headed toward her new room. I wanted a clean set of clothes. I needed to call my Dad and Mom and explain what the situation was. My Dad was supposed to be coming to my house the next morning.

And for the fucking life of me I couldn’t get the image of how I had found Gaby out of my head. I’m sure that image was burned in there forever and I’m sure it was going to haunt me. If she ever woke up, I wasn’t sure if I could forgive her for what she had put me through.

I felt an instance of anger, a swirl of emotion as we loomed closer that I wasn’t sure it was totally fair of me to be experiencing. I wanted her to be awake. I willed it so hard. I looked to the ground as we entered a ward, hoping that I would look up and see the smiling face of my beautiful best friend, the way she was before she fell in to the sick pattern of self-destruction.

“This is her room…” Michael told me gently as we stood in front of room 17. It was a private room. I dared myself to look up. All I saw were curtains surrounding a bed. I felt him release my hand. “I can wait out here if you like.”

I wanted him with me, but I didn’t want to startle Gabs if she was awake. I didn’t say anything in reply. I passed a nurse who I let Michael explain who I was. I knew that because he was Michael Jackson, I could’ve been the hobo living in the dumpster down the road, and they certainly would not have refused me entry.

I stepped gingerly inside. I could hear machines beeping and making noise. My stomach lurched. I peeped through the curtains and found my best friend with her eyes closed with a thousand kinds of machines all attached to her. I felt the tears begin to gush from my eyes, unrestrained. I looked over and saw Gaby’s Mother sitting, just staring at her daughter with an empty look within her.

She glanced up as I took another step toward Gaby’s bed. She gave me a dark look. “Why are you here, Jade?” She asked me as if she had just shut down emotionally.

Shit, I knew that feeling. I had done that for the past couple of years up until just recently. I’m here to weed the fucking garden, you accusatory dumb fuck. Why am I fucking here…what type of a dumb shit question is that? I knew it wasn’t the time nor the place to act like a wise ass. I ignored her question because the answer was as obvious as the color of the sky.

I took a seat in the plastic chair beside Gab’s bed, wiping the tears that flowed. Her hand lied open on the side of the bed. I scooted the chair closer and rested my elbows on the side of the bed and took her hand.

“Jade, I’d like it if you left us alone.”

I dared to look back up at Gaby’s mother who I was sure always liked me. She was always so sweet to me, always so concerned. I couldn’t believe they clearly still thought I had been in some way responsible for what happened to her.

“If it weren’t for me, Gaby would be still lying in her apartment.” I told her through clenched teeth. “If you want to know what happened call her damn junkie boyfriend.” I spat the words angrily. I was raging on the inside. So many emotions and so little time to process them.

"How dar-"

At that precise moment, I felt Gabrielle’s hand squeeze mine. I gasped and shot my attention back to her laying still, the rest of her body not moving. “She squeezed my hand!” I exclaimed. Gaby’s mother got up and rushed to her side. She caressed her daughter’s head and looked as if she was waiting for her eyes to open.

“Gaby, can you hear me, darling, it’s Mommy.” She said softly. There was no response. I looked desperate at my friend, hoping that she would give us another sign that she could hear us. I squeezed her hand back. “Gaby… please…” I spoke with so much desperation in my voice, begging her almost. “I want you to wake up…” I felt another squeeze of my hand. I looked at her Mom, “She did it again!”

“Stop it, Jade! Stop it at once!” Her mother rose her voice angrily. “Isn’t it enough what you’ve done already? Enough with the charades, Jade! I will not have you coming in here and doing this to us!”

I was mortified and hurt that she couldn’t believe me. I ignored her and turned back to Jade, “Gaby, can you hear me, it’s me, it’s Jadey. I’m here for you now…” I crooned softly. Her mother began raising her voice angrily, but I did my best to ignore her. She was being irrational and out right stupid, and disbelieving that Gaby was responding to me.

“I love you Gab, don’t give up on us, okay?” I spoke quicker as I had a feeling I was about to be kicked out with the way her Mom was beginning to hysterically yell at me. “Gaby, please show us a sign that you’re awake… I know you can hear me.” There was another squeeze of my hand. Happy tears ran down my face as a nurse entered the room demanding to know what was going on.  “Gaby you can’t leave us now… I have so much to tell you. You’d be so proud of me.” I smiled through my tears.

“What’s going on in here?”

“She’s responding to me. She’s squeezing my hand.” I told the nurse with excitement.

“Please make her leave. She’s being a nuisance. Make her leave.” Gaby’s Mom pleaded.

“I’m sorry.” The nurse looked at me with apology.

“She’s squeezing my hand!” I exclaimed again as if it should have meant something. “She’s responding! I’m her friend. I haven’t done anything wrong!” I said, beside myself with a feeling of resentment and joy and desperation all at the same time. It was so damn fucking dizzying.

“She’s lying! I don’t know why she’s doing this. But she’s lying. Gaby hasn’t moved an inch.”

“She has! Come and touch her hand!” I insisted.

“GET OUT!” Ms. Mannings shouted so loud that it echoed through the ward. Gaby’s hand fell from mine. I was certain that it hadn’t been because I’d let go. I hadn’t. I burst in to a sob as I didn’t need anymore telling. I left. The nurse followed me out. Michael had heard it all. In fact, so did everyone else.

I walked down the corridor, walking so fast that Michael had to speed after me. I didn’t want him to see me break down again. I was humiliated that no one believed me that Gaby had been responding. I felt so fucking stupid. Maybe I had imagined it? No. It was real. We got to the car and I waited for Michael to unlock my door. I was choking back sobs. “Jade…” He said  quietly as he came to me. My fingers were perched on the door handle. He touched my shoulder. “Jade…” He repeated. He guided me to turn around to face him. “It’s going to be okay.” He told me with a hint of an encouraging smile.

“She squeezed my hand, Michael. Five times.” He looked me in the eyes as I sobbed out my words. My vision was extremely blurred and I was so worked up. “And they didn’t believe me, but it happened!” I told him with almost the same exasperation that I’d shown the nurse.

He nodded.

“It’s true!” I told him, scared that he too thought I was going crazy. I stopped, and dropped my glance from his face down to the ground. “The second her Mom started laying in to me about all this fucking crap that I supposedly did, she started squeezing my hand like she was showing me her support!”

I wasn’t sure why he didn’t say anything but I took it as his silent sceptisism. “Fuck.” I cursed, running my fingers through my tied back hair that had kept falling in my face… “Maybe it was my imagination. I’m probably going crazy.”

I admitted defeat almost.

“You’re not crazy at all, Jade. I believe you. I think that’s amazing. That’s hope.” He said sincerely.

There was never room in my mind to doubt anything Michael told me, because this man knew only how to speak from his heart.

“You think so?” I asked softly. I hated those clingy girls who attached themselves to the hips of their boyfriends and I was aware that I was acting the same way, but I didn’t care.

“Of course I do.” He replied. He went to kiss my cheek, but I purposely caught it with my lips. Man, his lips felt amazing against mine. I had completely forgotten how it felt to experience a sensation of physical affection between a guy and a girl.

The kiss lingered briefly until he pulled away. He wiped my eyes with his forefingers and gave me another brief soft kiss and stroked my hair. It felt so good to have someone. Words couldn’t even begin to describe just how right it felt.

Gaby had always been telling me how I needed to let up a little, let a guy get to know me. She assured me that I had so much to offer, but I was just too closed up. I knew she would be so proud of me for opening up my heart. I made a vow that when she got better I was going to be the best friend she had ever had, and I was going to be there for her the way she had been for me. The kind of support that I never really knew realized I had until I thought about it carefully.

Michael unlocked the passenger door for me and waited until I got in and closed it. He got in and looked at me. “Do you want me to take you home?” He asked.

I nodded, it had been such a long day. All I wanted to do was to fall in to bed and cry. As he shifted the gears I looked down at his large hands that had tenderly held mine, that had cupped my cheeks within them and I covered it with my own. He looked at me, and lifted his hand, allowing me to thread my fingers through his. His smile reached me and warmed me right through. We didn’t need to say anything to one another. We already understood what the situation was.

I didn’t know why I was in there, I didn’t know how the hell it got to this point, but oh God, how fucking amazing did it feel? Jade melted beneath me as if she were surrendering every inhibition that had ever encumbered her tortured soul. I could feel the softness of her skin rubbing against mine and it quite frankly turned me on.

I embraced her warmly, my body covered hers lightly. My mouth lingered over hers. I didn’t want to be too pushy, I didn’t want to be too much too soon, but she entered my mouth first. I didn’t remember the last time I had felt so physically exhilarated; excited and aroused. The touch of her warm tongue against mine hit all of my senses at once and jumbled my mind. Her hands wandered so slowly over my shoulders, I was aware of every single touch. Her eyes were tightly closed, but I couldn’t bear to do the same with mine for fear that I would miss glimpsing a second of her beauty.

There was the unmistakable sound of silence except for the soft noises of our breathing and occasionally our kissing. I ran my fingers through her hair as she lay back on a soft pillow. Her hands crept down to my buttons and I could feel her undoing them one…. By…. One.

I shivered and deepened my kiss. I was surprised that she was being so forward with me. I could hear her growing breathless. I let my hands slide down the pliable, smooth skin of her shoulders, to her arms until I could feel the rise of goose bumps upon the surface of her flesh. Her tongue cajoled against mine with so much intimation. She pushed my shirt from my shoulders and I was okay to discard it without a word. We didn’t even break our passionate kisses.

I knew it was inevitable. I could feel an erection growing. The smell of her skin fresh from the shower was like honey. It was a scent so sweet that I could almost taste it. All my senses were sharpened. I had to shift my weight, I didn’t want to freak her out, but it was something that couldn’t be ignored anymore. I wanted it to go further. I wanted to make love to her so strongly, and I was sure that we were so caught up in the moment, that it could have gone ahead, but my reservations were just as strong.

My hands caressed her soft skin of her stomach beneath the plain t-shirt she was wearing to bed. I could feel her body shifting to mould back against mine. I had no self-control and I hated myself for it. I prided myself on not being like my brothers – or every other asshole out there. Instead of breaking off the kiss, I continued it – along her neck. She gave made a quiet noise that I took to be one of pleasure. I let my hand creep up, grazing across her breasts. I heard her breath catch in her throat, unsuspecting, but not protesting once. Her breathing was growing ragged though and I knew that I was inches away from letting any self-control that I had left go flying right out the window.

Sluggishly, I broke off the warm, feathery kisses I was leaving upon her collarbone, and kissed her gently on the lips before pulling away completely.

I sat up and swallowed hard. “We should stop.” I said breathlessly.

She said nothing but lay, probably as dazed as I felt. I kissed her again on the forehead. “Jade, I’m sorry.” I said, hoping that she wouldn’t be disappointed. I had a healthy dose of sex-drive filling me at that point, that I wished I could have just expended, but I cared for her so much. I looked down at her in the dimly lit light.

She looked gorgeous. She gave me a sweet smile. I felt my heart flutter and there was a mild sense of embarrassment about a growing sense of suffocation that was going on downstairs, but I knew she understood. She was wearing a pair of striped silk pajama pants and a white tee, that showed that I wasn’t the only one with a slight erection.

“Good idea.” She replied. I could see her chest rising and falling as if she had been running. I felt much the same despite how fit I was. I couldn’t help but to stare at her just a little. I repositioned myself on the edge of her bed, and ran my forefinger up the inside of her thin wrist with affection. “You’re so beautiful, you know that?”

I could see her cheeks immediately turn red. Her light laughter filled the air and sang to my ears. She covered her face with a small cushion that was on the other side of the bed. I chuckled and took it away from her. “It’s true.” I added, in case there was any doubt. I took her small hand and opened her palm in front of me and studied it. Her skin was malleable and silken-smooth. I bowed my head and kissed it.

I knew she was embarrassed and didn’t know what to say, but that was fine. I didn’t expect her to say anything. I simply kissed her once more as I got up albeit stiffly and said goodnight. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Goodnight Michael.” She smiled at me, taking my hand, and almost not letting go. She pulled me back toward her. I didn’t need to be told that she wanted me to kiss her again on the lips. So I did.

“Sweet dreams.” I smiled and closed her bedroom door.

She had shown me to the spare room earlier, but I’d entered her room just to ask for a towel for the shower. It had turned in to a brief conversation … and then this… I looked down to my pants and sighed. I needed that shower.

**

Once I was alone in bed with my thoughts, I found that the weariness from spending the day doing absolutely nothing disappeared and I couldn’t get the thought of Jade out of my head. The poor thing had had such a rough day but I knew my presence had helped her get through most of it and it made me feel so good.

I couldn’t believe the way she was being treated by Gabrielle’s parents, and neither could she. I thought about the way her mother had yelled and accused her, how twisted with heartbreak Jade had been as we got out to the car. I wished there was something that I could do to help the situation, but all we could do was pray that Gabrielle would wake and be able to tell what had really happened.

I thought about how the night had ended, passionately, making out in a way that I didn’t ever think would happen so quickly and I felt almost bad. I hoped that Jade wouldn’t think that I was taking advantage of the situation she was in. I knew she was a willing participant as well and she had made the first move, but there was no question that she was in a vulnerable position. I hoped within myself that I hadn’t subconsciously considered that before letting it get so far.

At least I had stopped. And honestly? I didn’t want my first sexual encounter with such a beautiful girl to take place so soon. I knew she had her personal vows to wait, and there was no way I was going to let her beliefs falter just because she was a bit vulnerable. The respect she had for herself meant as much to me as it did, her. It built the respect that I already had for her just that little bit stronger.

As I lay there in the dark I sort of came to the realization that my life was about to change dramatically if all went well. There would be someone else that I would be always considering in my plans. I thought of the trip to London I was taking in just a few weeks time and how I wouldn’t get to see Jade for at least 3 weeks.

There was no doubt in my mind that she was going to become my girlfriend. We hadn’t called it anything yet, but once everything calmed down around us I was certainly going to talk about it with her.

I felt my eyes slowly growing heavy with a strange feeling of happiness mixed with concern that she was going through such a troubling time. I turned to my side and adjusted the warm blanket that she had supplied me with and tried to go to sleep. It was already so late, at least after 2am.

**

I stretched out and opened my eyes and looked around a little disorientated. For just a very short moment I thought that I was in a hotel somewhere on tour. This was what living from a suitcase did for me. I yawned, suddenly realizing with a smile where I was. I stretched again lay back just relaxing for a few moments. I listened out for signs that Jade could be awake, but the apartment was so silent that I was sure I could hear a pin drop.

I saw that it was after 10am on the wall clock that hung on the wall across the other side of the room. I felt so lazy, but also a bit rebellious too. I wasn’t at home – no one knew where I was. My phone would be ringing off the hook back at my place. I could imagine Sarah spazzing out, telling me I had obligations to fulfill; and here I was.

Sometimes we all needed a break. Hell, I was tired of my entire life having to revolve around work. I had a sneaky little smirk on my face, thinking of how angry they would be when I finally called the office to find out what my schedule was.

I rolled over and decided I’d try to rest a little longer, but the urge to pee was way too strong. I got up begrudgingly and trundled down the short hallway to the bathroom. I washed my face firstly. My hair was in the biggest mess. I tried to smooth it down with water, but I knew that as soon as the water dried it would go back to being a fuzz ball. I had to admit; I was pretty self-conscious. Some people tried to insinuate that I was obsessed with the way that I looked – but I just hated my exterior so much that I’d try to look as best as I possibly could.

Shit, I had to face people – I couldn’t afford to look bad. And besides, I had a pretty smoking hot girl in the next room to impress.

I fussed at the mirror for a few minutes and heard a door opening. I smiled, knowing I was just about to see Jade. I needed to go put my shirt back on before she saw me. I wasn’t about to walk around half-naked in her house, bare-chested or not, I didn’t want to act too comfortably.

I took down my boxers to pee. I began to relieve myself and thought about other things. The door opened and startled me just as I was finishing up. I yelped with shock mixed with horror as I came face-to-face with someone who clearly wasn’t Jade.

He was male, he yelped as well – obviously just as shocked as I was. He began yelling at me. “Who the hell are you!?” He screamed.

What the fuck was I supposed to say to that? “Haven’t you heard of me? Yeah, you may own one of my many cds… I’m Michael Jackson from the Jackson 5.” Oh sure, that would have went down real great. The man’s eyes were ablaze as he stared at me with such contempt as I tried to stuff myself back in to my pants, mortified.

“Why are you in my daughters house!?” He yelled. I expected some kind of change in his tone after he would recognize who I was, I know that perhaps that sounded egotistical, but it was usually the case.

I needed to take a piss so I randomly let myself in to a strangers place. What the fuck do you th- Oh shit, it was her father. What a fucked up way to meet him, I thought. The whole time I had stammered for something to say, but he glared at me with his eyes full of such hatred for me that I didn’t know what to say that would adequately answer his questions. It was clear he was protective of his little girl.

I went to offer him my hand to shake and realized that it wasn’t a good idea and quickly retracted it. “I … I uh… I’m her friend.” I replied in a quiet voice. I felt like I was trying to answer my father. All the kind things that Jade had told me about her Dad had painted such a great picture of a warm-hearted man, but the tall, burly man that stood before me was everything but what my imagination and conjured up.

“DAD!” Jade called from the hallway, obviously having been woken. “Shit, Dad, it’s okay – it’s just Michael.” She told him as if it should have explained everything. When she realized that her father had just walked in on me she gave me a look of deep apology; she too was mortified. “Michael, I’m so sorry.” She said to me and pulled her Dads arm, “Dad, get out of the bathroom.”

Her father turned to her and threw her a questioning look and then turned back to me. “Jade—what’s going on?” He wanted to know.

“Just leave him to do his business, Dad.” She said, getting irate. Her father didn’t turn back to look at me. I closed the door and leaned against it. Oh jeez, I’d never been so fucking humiliated in my entire life. I knew my face was beet red and I know that my first impression had not been one that either of us would care to remember.

I let my heartbeat calm down but I didn’t know if I could ever face Jade or her father ever again. He had copped an eyeful of my penis as he’d walked in, that wasn’t something I was going to be able to let go of too easily.

I washed my hands and sat down on the toilet seat and tried to relax and console myself that the situation wasn’t as bad as it seemed. But who was I kidding? Her father was going to hate me for life. And I wasn’t a wuss, but shit, he scared me. He made me want to sneak out of the apartment, get in to my car and drive off into the sunset.

A few moments later there was a knock on the bathroom door. “Yeah?” I heard my voice call meekly.

“Michael, it’s me…” Jade’s soft voice spoke through the timber frame. “Are you okay in there?”

“Yeah.” I repeated even if it was a lie.

“Do you wanna come out?” She asked. I looked down to see again that I was shirtless. My skin scars were about as evident as they’d ever been. I felt suddenly very self-conscious. “Okay.” I said, feeling stupid.

I opened the bathroom door and slid out back toward the spare room without a word to Jade. I wanted to throw my shirt on as quick as I could. She called after me and followed me down the hall. “Are you mad with me?” She asked. I had my back to her and pulled my shirt over my head.

I shook my head when I turned around to face her. “No…not at all. Just a bit…”

“Embarrassed?” She supplied. She was wearing her pajamas still but her hair was pulled back and she looked so different in the light without make up. I’d never seen her without.

Even when she’d turned up to my house in such a state, she’d been wearing a little and even after she’d showered at my place, she’d obviously re-applied. In the light of the morning sun that was glaring through the window, she looked so beautiful natural and fresh with a glow in her adorable cheeks. I stepped toward her and felt my mouth curl in to a smile. “Your Dad completely walked in on me.” I said quietly, “he saw everything.” I hissed.

Jade couldn’t help but to laugh, and suddenly it didn’t seem so bad anymore. “I’m so sorry.” She covered her mouth, trying hard not to giggle at my embarrassment. “He’s just as mortified as you are, Michael, I promise.”

“Stop laughing…” I whined, “It’s not funny, he probably thinks I’m some kind of sick perve walking around your place half naked.”

“No he doesn’t. Just the last thing he was expecting to find was another man in the house, considering they know absolutely nothing about you or any interest I may or may not have in any male.” She told me in a hushed voice. “And you know, he’s very overprotective.”

I slid my hands to her waist and pulled her toward me. It was hard to know if I was overstepping any boundaries, but I figured that she was so straightforward, that she would tell me right away if I was. So far so good, she didn’t protest. I was finding it also hard to keep my hands off her and to keep from showering her with my affection. I was probably a terribly affectionate person by default. I didn’t want to be smothering though.

She surprised me and wrapped her arms around my waist and rested her head against my chest. I hugged her, and I guessed that this was our good morning, as crazy as it had been.

I deeply sighed and kissed her head. “I’m sorry that the day had to start like this.” She apologized. “But I promise everything is fine.”

“It’s not your fault...” I found myself stroking her hair. She looked up at me and pecked me on the lips.

“Come on, come out and meet my Dad properly.” She kind of commanded me.

“Let me put my clothes on properly. I don’t want half-naked Michael Jackson to burn in to his memory forever.”

She left me to it and went back to the kitchen where her Dad had been waiting. I needed a few minutes by myself to regain my composure and throw on my best behavior. I had to make a fantastic impression, I was about to meet her Jade’s Father. This had to go perfect.

**

I walked out in to the living area gingerly. I didn’t know if her Father had recognized me as Michael Jackson, and I wasn’t completely looking forward to it. I hadn’t ever bothered with meeting the father’s of the girls that I was dating – this was a first for me.

The hallway seemed shorter than usual and before I knew it I was standing before Jade and her Dad. I mustered up a false smile. I didn’t know if I should apologize, or if I should put on a bit of an act. I knew I was a good guy, but I’m not sure if I’d painted that picture though.

“Hi Michael.” Her Dad took the initiative and extended his hand just as I stupidly had in the bathroom. “I’m Jade’s father, John.”

I breathed a silent sigh of relief as I smiled and shook his hand. He squeezed my hand so firmly that it almost began to hurt. “It’s nice to meet you, sir.” I said respectfully.

I glanced at Jade, she was smiling and seemed pleased. I had to make this the best of this, I thought drawing in as much courage as I could muster. I was so nervous.

“Please.” John waved his hand, “Call me John. I apologize for startling you before. That was my mistake.”

He seemed like a completely different person. He was a bit taller than I was, with a reasonably muscular build. He looked way too young to be her father. Although, Jade really didn’t look her age, either. Good genes, I commented to myself.

“So Jadey here never told me she had a boyfriend!” He announced to me. I noticed her blushing. I was more impressed by the fact that he wasn’t pissing his pants over the notion of Michael Jackson in his daughter’s apartment.

“Dad.” She threw him a glare. He held up his hands in surrender. “Hey, if it walks like a duck…” His voice trailed off.

I laughed nervously, also pleased that he’d assumed his daughter would be with someone like me. Jade turned to me, “Michael would you like something to eat? My Dad here opened his big mouth and promised to impress his cooking skills upon us. Are you game?”

Great, he’s probably being nice so as he can just spike my food with arsenic when we’re least expecting. I thought. Instead I just nodded politely, “Of course.”

“Pancakes okay?” John asked me.

“Sure.” I hardly ate breakfast, but my stomach was growling. I sincerely hoped her father could cook and that he had no plans to poison me, because I intended on eating. Anything had to be better then the empty nervousness that swirled in my stomach. “That would be great.”

He slid past me and entered the kitchen, pushing Jade out. “Why don’t you go set the table.” He told her as he began taking items out of the fridge. “In fact, why don’t you call Mom and invite her over.”

My heart almost stopped. Not two parents, oh man, I couldn’t handle this. I realized I had been holding my breath up until Jade answered him.

“No, Mom’s at work, and anyway, one parent at a time.” She joked and glanced at me, giving me the most sympathetic look.

It was okay though – I dreaded the day when I took her home to meet my family. That was going to be more awkward for her than it would be for me. My Dad was convinced that everyone who I was interested in, was only interested in me because of my money or having the Jackson last name. I was indeed a Mommy’s boy, and of course my Mother believed that no girl was good enough…. And then there were my brothers and sisters, an assortment of characters, unfortunately not all the kind I’d want to subject her to.

Oh family day at my place would be a ball.

I realized how far ahead of myself I was getting and just decided to focus on the present.

“I’ll get you some juice.” Jade told me, touching upper arm lightly. I looked down at her beautiful little hand and thanked her. Every time she touched me I felt my senses tingle. “Why don’t you sit down. You waited on me for the past 24 hours, I’m going to return the favor.”

I liked the idea of her taking care of me and catering to everything that I wanted. I sure wasn’t used to that—it sounded nice. It reminded me though, of the situation with Gabrielle. I guessed that her father still didn’t know. I wondered if maybe she’d wanted some time to tell him. She must have still been hurting. I knew that she was doing a fantastic job of shoving it to the back of her mind hoping not to have to remember it. I noticed that that was the way she dealt with a lot of things.

I went to go to sit in the small dining area but her Dad called me back, “Michael, I was wondering if you would mind giving me a hand in here.”

“I will.” Jade quickly piped up.

“No…I asked Michael, you go and set the table sweet heart.”

“It’s okay.” I intervened, so as Jade wouldn’t argue the point with her Dad, and I didn’t want him to think that I was lazy. Her kitchen was a tight squeeze. I hoped that her Dad wouldn’t expect me to cook anything after my last kitchen disaster the night before. I felt nervous again as I approached him at the stove. He was making pancakes with what seemed like such a skill. Or maybe I was just cooking-retarded.

“What would you like me to do, Sir?” I asked.

“Firstly.” John looked up as he poured the batter in to the pan, “Stop calling me sir, would be a good one. You make me feel old.”

I smiled modestly. “I’m sorry.” I apologized. I suppose it had just been the way I was raised. I didn’t call anyone that didn’t work for me by their full name unless they specifically asked, especially if they were older than I was.

“That’s okay. At least you have good manners, that’s a plus.” He remarked kindly. “I had no idea that Jade was seeing anyone.” He commented for the second time. I didn’t really know what to say to that, but I figured that I shouldn’t let him jump ahead of things.

“Oh, no. Jade and I… we’re just friends.” I replied, wishing that the time would pass really quickly. I watched on as he flipped the pancakes and made them exactly as my mother would have. I felt my stomach growling. At least from standing there talking to him, I could make sure he didn’t administer any extra ingredients to my serving.

“Ah, just friends.” He smiled and nodded as if he didn’t even believe me for a second. Hell, I didn’t believe my own hype for a second either. And I was a startling bad liar. “Jade has mentioned nothing at all about you… until just 30 minutes ago…” He added.

I just shrugged, “We haven’t really been friends that long. I guess just a couple months. We don’t see each other a lot.” I wondered if her father perhaps lived under a rock because he showed no signs what-so-ever of recognizing me as Michael Jackson, the celebrity.

“And you slept here last night?”

“Yes.” I admitted as if I should have been ashamed, “But I slept in the spare room.” I quickly added.

John laughed. “I know my daughter is a good girl.” He replied to me, as if implying that she wouldn’t have slept with me if I’d put the hard word on her.

I smiled. “She is.”

“Now listen here…” He began gently, lowering his voice so that there would be no chance of Jade overhearing. “I worry about my daughter very, very much. She’s been through a lot.” I gulped. I expected him to pick up the knife that was beside him and brandish it in front of my face. He didn’t though—he wasn’t showing any signs of nastiness, nor was he using bully tactics, he was being straight with me. I nodded with understanding. “I know you say you are just friends and it’s not my business either way—but I used to be a roadie when I was your age, I know how your industry works.”

I was stunned. He knew exactly who I was. I was so overcome with shock that he hadn’t acted a fool or treated me any different. Suddenly whatever he was trying to tell me didn’t matter, cause I was so happy that he was treating me so normally.

“I know your concerns.” I said quickly, trying to focus back on the subject. “I don’t like the industry as you and I know it.” I tried to explain, “it’s seedy and pretentious and I stay as far away from it as I can.”

Her Dad stared at me a little surprised that I was being so frank with him. “Sir-“ I paused, “I mean—John…” My nerves were completely gone, and I felt comfortable quite suddenly. “You know Jade is special. I know that too. I care about her a lot.”

“I know how you young people work. I was a young man once too.” He informed me. I laughed, I’d heard my Dad tell me that at least once or twice. “I know it may be hard to believe.” I liked this guy, he was cool. He was just an overprotective Dad, that was fine. “So I know the way your mind works, Michael, but she doesn’t deserve to have her heartbroken a second time. I don’t think she ever quite recovered from it after the first time.”

Something about the way he ended his sentence made me feel sad. The very blunt honesty of what he had just confided to me had made my heart physically hurt. Jade thought that her parents didn’t know, but I was aware just by the way he spoke, the tone of his voice, the emotion in his eyes – that he knew everything.

My mother once told me that parents are incredibly intuitive when something is troubling their children almost to the degree of being able to exactly pinpoint the problem. I supposed that perhaps Jade didn’t disguise her pain as well as she thought she did. I suspected that her Dad got it.

“I will never break her heart.” I assured him with sincerity in my words. John gave me a smile and nudged my shoulder a little too earnestly. He almost pushed me over. “Ah what am I raving on about? You’re a good kid, I’ve seen you out and about always giving your money away and keeping all the little sick kids happy.”

I smiled. It was nice to see someone taking notice of my good deeds rather than the bizarre lifestyle they had recently began lying about. “Thanks.”

“And hey.” He said, resuming his regular voice, “I’m real sorry about walking in on you this morning.”

I laughed nervously, “That’s okay.”

“We’ll never speak of it again.” He promised me. And I, for one, was down with that.

**

The food was good. Her Dad really could cook. I was impressed. Jade seemed non-phased by the idea of her father in the kitchen. I was eating soft, delicious pancakes with sugar and lemon juice I wasn’t afraid to thoroughly enjoy myself. I thought of how funny it would be to have my own parents reverse roles for a day. My Dad couldn’t boil an egg.

There had still not been one mention of Gabrielle, and I wondered why Jade was hiding it from her Dad. Perhaps she wanted some time alone to tell him. I decided after breakfast I would leave and give her time to talk to him alone. Jade gave me a smile as she watched me dig in.

“Do you guys have breakfast together a lot?” I wondered. Maybe it was a silly question, but to me it seemed foreign that someone would make a special visit to share a meal—although it was such a beautiful gesture and showed me how much her family meant to her. I imagined us; a family, our two beautiful children sitting between us and their grandparents as well; all gathering around the table, feasting on an amazing meal.

Don’t get so carried away, dammit. You accuse the tabloids of wanting to marry you off to the first girl you have your eye on, but you’re the worst offender! My conscience pulled my head back in.

John glanced at his daughter and gave me a grin, “Of course we do. We get together all the time to eat, we usually invite her Mom, too.”  He replied to me swallowing a mouthful of food. “Why, do you not do that with your family?”

I smiled and shook my head, almost embarrassed. “Not really, everyone is always too busy to get together.”

Jade gave me a sympathetic look. I knew she pitied me, but I didn’t mind. “That’s a shame Michael. You’ll just have to come and join us more often.” She told me. I gave her a long stare with a vague smile. I realized how much of a fraud she was on the surface and it made me appreciate her more. She tried so hard to come across as a cold-hearted, mean-spirited bitch, but her heart was so big and her kindness reached me in every imaginable way. I saw it all along – I knew it wouldn’t take me a long time to strip her down to her raw personality.

“I guess I will.” I replied with a smile. I looked to her father and knew I owed him a compliment. “Thank you very much for this breakfast—it’s great.” I hoped I sounded sincere.

“Your welcome.” He answered with a kind glance. I liked her Dad. He was definitely easy-going and nothing to be afraid of at all. There was silence as we ate until finally he broke it again, “So how is your work going?” He asked, “You’ve really done well.” He complimented me.

I was humbled by his compliment and felt my cheeks glowing. “Dad, don’t embarrass him.” Jade told her father good-naturedly.

“Well it’s true. Jade, you remember what I told you about how you can tell if a man is good or not, don’t you?”

I started to laugh, if for no other reason, but to relieve the tension that I knew was overwhelming her. I knew that there was a part of her that wanted to murder her Dad for embarrassing her, but the other part of her just loved him even more. “Yes Dad. You judge a boy on his actions toward other people, not just the ones he shows me.” She recited as if it was a mantra that he instilled to her.

We all laughed. “I taught my baby well.”

“Shouldn’t you always just treat people how they treat you, and judge them only on how they conduct themselves around you?” I asked thoughtfully. I wondered why her Dad had given her that piece of advice.

“No.” John shook his head. “Sometimes people’s intentions and ulterior motives can give them the self-control to be nice until they get the one thing that they want. If the person is consistent within their personality; and by that, I mean treating every person in the same, kind way – then you can know that they are being sincere with you.”

I thought about that logic and it made sense. “I suppose you have a point.” I replied scratching my chin. “That’s a good way of looking at it.” Suddenly I felt kinda naïve, no wonder why people were always screwing me over.

“And you seem like a nice, kind, good-hearted kind of person, Michael.” John added. I knew by that stage I was blushing so badly.

“Well that’s like-wise, sir.” I replied, not really knowing what else to say.

He turned to Jade and laughed, “See, I’ve told him not to call me sir, three times now, and still his manners supercede. He’s a keeper.” He winked at her.

“Oh GOD!” She raised her voice, “Dad you are so embarrassing. Stop!” She spoke loudly, rolling her eyes, but I knew that she was secretly loving it.

John laughed, “Jadey, relax.” He pushed her shoulder gently. “She’s scared I’m going to start telling the old stories about the first she mistook dog poop for chocolate, and all those things.”

I burst out laughing. “The first time? There was actually a second time!”

“Yes. And the second time she was five.” I turned to Jade for confirmation, but she had covered her face with her hands. I laughed loudly. “I’m sorry, Jade, but that’s pretty funny.”

I knew she was laughing as well. She finally removed her hands from her face and revealed her bright red cheeks.

“Don’t feel bad, once I wet my pants on stage when I was about 8 and everyone noticed. It was one of our first gigs after being signed.” I told her, to hopefully make up for the embarrassment she felt.

Jade and her father laughed, but I saw the pitying face again. “Aww Michael… that’s terrible.”

I laughed too. “Yeah. Funny though. My brothers were disgusted. They nicknamed me Pee Wee for awhile.”

“The good news is, we’re all safe with our bladders and bowels these days – but ol’e Dad here is just about to lose all his good training, what with, getting on in age and all that.” Jade teased him.

“You’re not too old for me to give you a kick up the backside, you know?” He threatened her back mockingly. He had a smile. I loved their banter. It was great, they were both quite funny.

“You’re not too young for me to put you in a nursing home, you know?” She shot back, as they both laughed. I smiled vacantly, suddenly realizing what I was missing out on with my family. I knew it was sincere too, not just a happy family show that they were putting on for me. John loved his daughter so very much, and every breath that he took, I could tell that he lived for her.

I was amazed. When Jade told me she was very close to her Mom and Dad, I didn’t doubt her, but I didn’t know it was ever possible to have such a loving relationship. I knew it didn’t go like that in our family. Even though I was close with my Mother, it was still nothing like this.

I gave a contented sigh as I sat back in my chair. I was happy, stuffed and in love.

In LOVE? WHAT!  My Conscience began to scream at me and alarm bells had sounded in my head. So this was what it felt like. Yep. I was in love. Each time Jade’s smile reached me or her hands touched me, or her laughter filled my ears, I just got an indescribable surge of overwhelming emotion that I couldn’t control.

A person once told me that if I were ever in love with someone, I wouldn’t have to stop and ask myself, “Am I in love?” I would just know.

And I knew.

I was in love.

As my Dad walked out the door waving goodbye to Michael and stopping to give me a hug, I felt a lingering sensation that I had just lied to him. I hadn’t though – I’d just evaded the truth. I guess I kept having a flickering thought of Gaby all morning and he’d picked up on my half-quiet, half-not attitude. He asked me twice if everything was alright, and I’d lied and said it was.

I guess there was a part of me that felt to blame for what was going on. I knew logically as Michael had assured me, I’d done everything that I could for her, but the accusations of her parents kept swimming around my head and I almost felt ashamed. Michael at one point, had asked me if I wanted him to leave to give me some time to tell my Dad, I had too quickly replied for him to stay. Michael was proving to be a wonderful distraction and more than anything else, his comfort seemed to be helping.

“See you on Friday, princess.” My Dad told me, looking me in the eye. I almost felt guilty. I smiled at him and reached out to hug him. He hugged me tighter than usual and held on for longer. “I love you.” He told me.

“I love you too.” I replied as we broke our embrace. I kissed his cheek. I felt a genuine smile fall across my lips as I watched him walk down the hall to leave my building. He stopped at the stairwell and waved at me and blew me a kiss. “Bye Dad.”

I closed the door behind me and turned to Michael. I tried to give him a smile but I knew he was wondering why it was I’d kept up the charade all morning.

“Don’t…” I warned him as he went to open my mouth. “I know what you’re going to say and I don’t want to talk about it.”

Michael almost laughed. “What? I was just going to ask where you kept the dish washing detergent." He gave me a curious look. I felt like a dick for assuming he knew what I was thinking. When he realized that I was rather uptight he joined me in the family room.  “Jade, what’s up?”

“Nothing.” I replied falling in to the couch like a slob. 

He sank down beside me. “Liar pants on fire.”

I laughed, only Michael could say some stupid shit like that and get away with it.

“Worried about Gaby?” He asked me. I gave a half-shrug and a nod at the same time. I felt his arm sliding around my shoulders. “Don’t you be giving a thought to her whacked out Mom, okay? She’s grieving. She’s looking for someone to blame, and that’s not your fault.”

“I know.” I sighed. “I just… I dunno… I wanted to tell my Dad… but there’s a part of me that wants to keep him protected, you know, I don’t want him to know anything is upsetting me. It’d just upset him too.” I explained feeling a bit helpless and hopeless.

Michael didn’t really know what to say to that. “I’d tell you not to keep stuff from your family, but I do the same thing. They’d be shocked if they knew half the stuff that went on in my world.” He gave a quiet little chuckle. “But Jade, your Dad loves you so much. I can see that, and maybe he might get a bit worried, but he seems like he’d be the most fantastic support out there.”

I smiled. Everything had gone so well between Michael and my Dad. By the end of the morning they were joking with each other and were getting along so well. I knew that my Dad liked him so much and that meant everything to me. It was almost like affirmation that I was allowed to give my heart to Michael. Dad was such an amazing judge of character. I remembered how he’d be pleasant to Aaron, which made me think he liked him, but the way he had built an instant rapport with Michael made me see that he truly did like him.

“You’re right.” I finally relented.

Michael smiled at me. I nestled my head against his shoulder and we both sat a bit dumbly, as if thinking over the morning.

“My Dad likes you.” I informed him. “I could tell.”

“You think?” He asked. I was aware that Michael was extremely self-conscious and he told me that he was shy once before, but I didn’t really believe it. I thought more that he was worried about what people were thinking of him, more than being shy. He had trouble making conversation at first, but my Dad was actually very good at it, so in the end, Michael was very talkative.

I nodded, looking up at him. “He did. I could tell. He was telling you all his silly jokes and kept referring to you as my boyfriend, he wouldn’t have done that if he didn’t like you. He would have referred to you as ….” I paused thinking, “I don’t know… a very, very distant friend…”

Michael laughed. “I’m honored, Jade. Your Dad is really, really nice… Too bad he probably knows me a whole lot better than he wished to.”

We both laughed and I watched his face grow a bit red. “Something else is on my mind…” I trailed off. I sat up straight, lifting my head from his shoulder and looked at him.

“What is it?” He wondered, he looked me in the eye and I guess he knew it was something to do with what had gone on the night before.

Trust me, I didn’t regret a thing. There was not one moment where I regretted kissing him. I got a bit worried about my self-restraint when things heated up, but man… It had been a really long time since I’d let a guy kiss me like that and he was so gentle with me and handled me with such a tenderness that I’d never experienced. The fact that he’d stopped the second that he realized he was getting too far in to it, impressed me completely.

I was glad that he’d made the move to stop things.

“You and I… and what happened last night.” I blurted out. He adopted that concerned look he seemed to so often get.

“It shouldn’t have got that far, I’m sorry.” He apologized, thinking that I was going to tell him I’d had a problem with it.

I shook my head and waved my hand. “No… it’s fine.” I paused and smiled shyly, “I liked it.”

A sneaky smile spread across Michael’s mouth and made its way in to his beautiful grin. I felt my own cheeks blushing. I felt a bit silly, but the feeling went away. “Well… what about it then?”

I shrugged, “What are we doing, Michael? I mean…” I didn’t really know how to word it. I didn’t want to tell him, “I wanna fall in love with you, I want you to be my boyfriend, I want to be your girlfriend- I want us to be together.” I just couldn’t do that shit, I wasn’t forward enough.

Michael looked as though he suddenly had an idea. With a smug smile he took my hands. “I was wonderin’ if you’d be my girl.”

I burst out laughing. I knew exactly what he was doing. I sighed, “Yes.”

“There’s somethin’ I have to tell you. I’m not like other guys.” He began reciting his stupid Thriller video. I didn’t really know why, he was just being a goof, but it was completely funny. He was trying hard not to laugh at his own cheese.

“I know that Michael that’s why I love you.” I dutifully supplied. We both laughed together. “You’re a doofus.” I informed him, flicking his ear lightly with my fingers.

He had a huge grin. “I’m sorry… I ruined the moment, didn’t I?”

I rolled my eyes playfully. “Yeah, Jackson.”

“Anyway…” He sighed, now that we had taken the seriousness and tension away from the subject, he seemed to be building his courage to say something. “I told you last night that whatever you want is fine by me. But, if you wanted to know what I want, I’ll be happy to share that without you having to feel any pressure.”

I nodded, “Sure… tell me.”

“I want you to be my girlfriend. I like you so much, Jade… I want you to throw away every insecurity you have ever had, and just show me every angle of the uninhibited you…” He told me seriously. I felt my hand slipping in to his. I wanted to look away from his eyes but as always they magnetized my gaze. “I want to spend a lot of time with you… as much as I can. I even…” He paused, and I felt something big coming. “I even want you to let me take you to London with me.”

I widened my eyes, “Pardon me?”

He looked down at my hand in his and stroked my palm softly with his thumb. “I dunno… maybe it’s a silly idea, but… I think it’d be nice to have you come along with me… You could see what I see… I could take you places, show you an amazing time.”

I felt myself breaking in to a grin. That was a damn friggin’ commitment and a half. “Michael, are you a hundred percent sure that you didn’t bump your head or something?”

He smiled and shook his head. “One hundred percent sure.” He shrugged, “I guess I just like you a lot. You once asked what it is that I liked about you, and I couldn’t articulate it…” He made eye contact again and reached up to smooth my cheek with the exterior of his hand. That man just had me tingling all over with excitement. “Now I can…” He informed me, “I love your company. You make me laugh and you are so smart and witty… and you treat me like I’m a person and don’t take any shit from me…”

I laughed at his curse word as I always felt a bit shocked whenever I heard it from his mouth, God knows why. I was a bit embarrassed too. I didn’t really know where to look.

“And I know you wouldn’t ever see it, cause you’re way too critical of yourself, but you’re absolutely gorgeous to me, and you’re one of the most big-hearted people I’ve ever met, you just lock it away.”

I felt a smile growing. “Is that enough?” He asked.

I laughed to relieve some of the intensity that I felt between us. I nodded. “I don’t know what to say…” I told him. His eyes were sparkling with happiness, and I’m sure mine were too.

“Say what’s on your mind…” He informed me. Well. I couldn’t go wrong with that, now could I? I thought for a few moments and just gave a modest shrug. I didn’t know how to respond to his compliment and I knew this was going to be much like all the other times that he had paid them to me. They would startle or render me speechless. His kindness always stunned me so much so that I’d let the moment pass without even being able to work up a meek, thank you.

Man, I was an asshole.

I grappled for words to verify my feelings to him, but they were so hard to come across. Well, that’s not entirely true. I knew exactly what I wanted to say, but was too scared to say it. I didn’t really talk so much about my feelings, it was pretty much a foreign concept to me, so this was going to be a hurdle.

His eyes were sweeping over me, surveying my expression for any hint of what I was about to say, showing his obvious anticipation.

I avoided his eyes. It was so silly, and it should have been so easy, but it really wasn’t. I knew he was waiting for something profound from me since I was taking so long to bloody answer him, so the pressure was already on.

I always associated sharing feelings with shame and embarrassment. I didn’t know if I would ever win back the child-like and innocent ability to tell another person everything that was burning in my soul. Instead, when people expected emotion from me, I’d freeze up. I said heartless things, I turned in to a bitch – or sometimes it was worse, sometimes my silence stung more than words ever could.

I remembered the last time I had ever shared any feelings with anyone. It was during summer and I was 13. Dad took me to Lake Tahoe so as we could spend some time together. At that time, he and Mom weren’t half as close as they were now. I remembered going through that period feeling depressed and misunderstood. I couldn’t really articulate it, but it was just part of adolescence. I spent a lot of time crying when I was at home. My Mom was having problems making rent and so she was working two jobs, which left me alone at home more often than not. I felt so alone, that if I didn’t exist, that no one would care.

I made the mistake of sharing that with my Dad. He’d been so upset. I had explained to him that Mom was never home, that there was no food, that I had actually resorted to eating spoonfuls of applesauce from an almost-expired jar in the fridge. He seemed shocked and concerned for me, but that still didn’t stop me. I guess in a way I resented my Mom for not being able to provide, for trying to make me keep it a secret from Dad. When my parents were together, we always had nice things. My Dad made a comfortable income, and Mom worked part-time and was always around. I told my Dad about the way the other kids treated me at school and I think I even articulated that I was lonely. And then I dropped the big one.

I think if I didn’t exist, everyone would be just better off.

Apparently my Dad disagreed. So much, so, in fact, that it induced tears from both of us. I didn’t realize in that moment just how heavy an impact those words must have had on him, but to me it was just cold, honest truth. The rest of the trip was filled with Dad suffocating me with affection and giving me opportunity and encouragement to share my feelings, which I’d already justly done.

I just learned that in most cases, the truth hurts and usually it was just better to not say anything at all. And from my experiences with Aaron, I associated sharing affectionate words and declarations of love with emotional abuse and blackmail and stone-hearted tears.

I wanted to cover my eyes with my hands like a 5 year old and tell him how I felt so as I didn’t have to watch his reaction. It was almost like I expected him to point and laugh at me for anything I might say. I was so fuckin’ dumb.

“You’re a sweetheart.” I said finally after a minute.

He rose both of his eyebrows and widened his eyes and gave a tight smile. “I’m a sweet heart? Jade? That’s all you’re giving me? I want to know how you feel about this….whatever you want to call it.”

I felt like such a schmuck, and was desperate to not make myself look like the asshole that I felt like. “I’m sorry.” I gave an awkward chuckle. I touched the exterior of his hand lightly. It was resting on his thigh. “I want to say something more but…” I paused and realized it was time to be honest about it. “I’m bad with words, Michael… I really am… I suck at this whole… sharing feelings thing. You’re really good at it, so it makes me feel worse that I can’t articulate what I want to tell you in return.”

I could feel my hands shaking a little bit. His expression softened and his smile loosened up. “Don’t feel bad.” He replied. I guess he was relieved to find my feelings weren’t so… casual. “Whatever happens, I want us to take things slow. I just want to make sure that the feelings I have for you, measure up to the same as your feelings for me.”

“They do.” I said. At least I could tell him that much with certainty. I looked around for something that I could fix my attention to. I took his hand in mine and entwined our fingers. His hands were large and warm and so hard as if he’d been working construction for years.

Finally I just closed my eyes. I knew how silly it would have looked, but I didn’t care. It was important to me to just be honest with him as he had done with me. I could feel his thumb caressing my hand, and already my heart was melting.

“I want to be your girlfriend.” I blurted out. “I need you to be patient with me though.” I told him, opening my eyes. He was smiling still. I felt a little more confident after breaking my own shield of ice.

“I guess I’m just worried that I’m going to push and pull you a bit.” I tried to explain. “The bigger part of me wants you to be close to me, I want to let myself fall in love with you.” I added gently.

He clung to my every word and watched them leave my mouth. His expression turned a little more serious, but still there was the hint of the smile.

“There’s something inside me though, that’s forever telling me to stay aware and keep wary of you, to keep my arms length at all times because of what’s happened in the past.”

He nodded with understanding.

“So… I need you to know that I might not be the best girlfriend—I might question things, act unfair now and then… but I feel like the past is something that I can let go of if I step slowly and carefully.”

I realized that no guy wanted to hear that a prospective girlfriend was loaded with more emotional baggage than she knew what to do with, but I really felt that I had to be honest about it.

“We have all the time in the world, Jade.” He replied simply. “I don’t have any expectations of you. I promise I’ll do my best to re-assure you and not rush anything. While we’re being honest, though….” He started, “Maybe there’s a few things that I should make you aware of.”

I was proud of our communication. Actually, proud of myself for being able to communicate my fears to him. I was all ears.

“You know my career is obviously a pretty huge thing in my life. It’s a day job and a half to say the least. It’s a massive commitment. Sometimes I can be called at 5am and be told to be in another country the following day. It gets really crazy. There’s fans, there’s hangers-on, there’s so many people involved in my life every day—and I need someone to be understanding and to place their trust in me.”

I felt intimidated by the brief job description. I didn’t ever think that he’d be an unfaithful boyfriend, though, so I wasn’t too worried about that. “There will be times when I might be away for long periods of time, weeks, sometimes months – but I’d always do my best to have you with me as frequently as you could allow yourself to be.”

“I think we should take it step-by-step, we don’t have to think about that all now.” I said, not wanting us to get too far ahead of ourselves, but I was dearly glad that he was laying it all out for me.

“Good idea.” He nodded. “I’m glad we can be honest with each other though, with good and the bad things.”

I was so thankful to have him at that moment. So kind and understanding and everything that I had ever looked for in a man.

**

“I should go.” Michael announced.

I gave him a weak smile. I definitely didn’t want him to leave, but I understood that there were obligations for him to fulfill. I knew it sounded so juvenile but I wanted just to relax with him and make out.

“So what’s on the agenda for today?” I asked.

He gave a bit of a non-committal shrug. “Go home and see who’s sweating me on my answering machine.” He chuckled.

I managed a laugh, “Always the wanted man.” I remarked.

He chuckled again. I could tell there was reluctance on his part to leave me. “Are you gonna go try to see Gabrielle today?” He asked me gently. I knew he’d probably wanted to ask it for some time, but was putting it off. We had skirted around the issue all morning, and pretended it wasn’t happening.

I liked it much better that way. Ignorance was always bliss, wasn’t it?

To have been completely honest, I was pushing it as far to the back of my mind as I possibly could. I didn’t want to think about her, because the emotions that filled my heart whenever she came to mind was something that overwhelmed me, and I wasn’t exactly sure how to deal with it.

I knew I should have probably stayed away. I’d have to call the hospital to make sure her parents weren’t around if I wanted to visit. Realistically though, I knew the chances of her parents leaving her side at all were very slim.

I finally shrugged to Michael’s question. “I don’t know. I don’t wanna upset her Mom again.”

He nodded with understanding and as if reading my mind he continued, “Maybe you should just call the hospital and find out if her parents are about.”

“Yeah…” my voice trailed off… “It’s just that…” I paused and tried to find the right words that would aptly convey how I felt. “I guess it’s just me being selfish, but.” I took a deep breath and remembered while looking in to his beautiful, expectant eyes, that I could tell him anything. “It really traumatizes me to see her as she is.”

The words left my mouth pretty quietly. I knew he truly understood. His hand slipped into my own and his long slender fingers entwined around mine. He gave my hand a squeeze. That was one of the things that I loved about him, his physical and verbal comfort and affection.

“That’s a really normal feeling, Jade, don’t be so hard on yourself – that’s not being selfish at all.”

“Is it selfish of me to tell you that I don’t want you to go home?” I asked in a small voice, looking up at him with a coy look. I wasn’t trying to flirt, nor was I trying to be cute. I really didn’t want him to go home.

“Sweetheart,” He smiled, “If that’s selfish then I’m also guilty. I don’t want to go either, but I know I should.” He sighed. “What if you were to come to my place tonight?”

I couldn’t say no. I wanted to, but couldn’t. “What will we do?” I asked, pretending that I actually had to consider the invitation for a moment.

He shrugged, “Hang out? Watch TV?” He suggested before realizing how unexciting they were, “I never promised that I was spontaneous or interesting…”

I smiled up at his shining eyes. I pushed those gorgeous curls that framed the perfect outline of his face, out of his eyes. It felt so dumb to admit, but even watching TV with him felt like the most entertaining and interesting activity.

I knew that when I was with him I was adored, I was safe and that my heart was free. I wondered if that was selfish of me, to enjoy him just because he enjoyed me. Of course, he was such a wonderful man, though, in his own right.

I wasn’t about to give my cards away too early with him though. I didn’t think it would be wise to tell him or show him just how much I liked him just yet. He knew enough for now. There would be plenty of time for that later.

“We could order dinner unless you’d like me to cook again—“ He laughed, knowing that him cooking for me was certainly not something that I’d likely ask him to do for me again.

“No thank you.” I widened my eyes jokingly to emphasis the disaster of his first attempt. “But I guess I could make the time to see you later.”

Michael smiled slyly, “Twist your arm, did I?” He joked. He knew how I was playing, he wasn’t stupid. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was so fuckin’ transparent. “That’ll be something to look forward to, then.” He remarked. “Are you working tomorrow?”

I knew what he was doing. He was trying to prolong the time ‘til his departure. I nodded. “Yeah, I took yesterday off, obviously, but I’m rostered on for the next week.”

Our idle chatter was interrupted by a knock at the door. Michael and I exchanged questioning looks. I wondered who it could be. He stood up and moved away from the line of vision of the doorway. Anyone that looked in to my door would be able to see him sitting on the couch.

“Just a sec.” I excused myself, thinking that it couldn’t be anyone of any importance.

Apparently I was wrong.

I came face-to-face with two male police officers. Clearly, I was shocked.

“Hi.” One of them greeted me. They seemed neither friendly or unfriendly, just interested in why they were there. One of the officers was lanky and tall and looked stern. The other was heavy-set and sported a well-kept mustache. I felt my stomach sinking. I couldn’t imagine what they had come to my door for. Maybe it was some mistake.

“How can I help you?” I asked, then felt extremely stupid. It should have been them telling me why they were there. I threw a worried glance to Michael, conveying my absolute bewilderment.

“I’m officer Scott Reynolds and this is my partner Arthur Goldman.” The tall, stern one introduced himself. “We are looking to speak to Jade Reily.”

“That’s me.” I murmured. I could feel Michael’s presence lingering closer.

“Could we perhaps come inside to have a few words with you about your friend, Gabrielle Mannings?” He asked.

I nodded dumbly and opened the door. Stupid childish thoughts scattered through my mind. Was I in trouble? Was there anything illegal in what I’d done, getting Gaby to the ambulance, or Lord, what if Gaby’s Mom made something up in the height of her hysteria?

Michael came out of hiding and absolutely floored the officers. I could tell that they were both suitably impressed by his being there, but were trying to stifle their excitement for the sake of professionalism. Neither said a word, but their facial expressions told me a lot.

“What’s going on?” he asked, placing his hands protectively upon my shoulders.

“We’re here to get some answers to some questions regarding Gabrielle Mannings. It’s nothing too serious.” Officer Goldman spoke up, stammering just a little bit.

“Please, sit down.” I suggested, finding my voice again. They both took a seat, and I did too. Michael stood behind me, almost as though he was overseeing things as my protector.

The officers seemed a whole lot more pleasant now that he’d shown his face. I almost wanted to laugh at how Michael’s fame changed people’s behavior. I’d have bet that it was a help but also a hinderance.

“Gabrielle Mannings was found in her apartment unconscious by you?” He turned his attention to me.

I nodded, remembering the state that I had found her in. I could tell my expression was turning in to a wince. My throat dried up and I could feel my hands growing a little shaky.

“We’ve spoken with her mother and understand that you were with Gabrielle that night.”

I shook my head, feeling angered that Gaby’s Mom had lied or just assumed something that surely wasn’t the case. “No. That isn’t true.” I contradicted him. “I got a call from Gaby’s friend… or boyfriend, I assume, I don’t really know.” I began, “and they said she was having an overdose and needed help. She was in trouble or something, and I told them to call the paramedics.” I felt myself getting worked up all over again. I was so furious at all the people that I’d met, her alleged friends, for their own cowardice, leaving her alone in her drug-fucked state. “I wasn’t even entirely sure that they would call the paramedics themselves because they didn’t want to get in to trouble. I basically drove right to her apartment because I didn’t trust them. They had all bailed by the time I arrived.”

I could feel my throat tightening as tears glistened in my eyes. Michael rubbed my shoulders as my voice strained, “Her Mom is blaming me, but all I did was put in the call to the paramedics.” I wiped my eyes. “I don’t do drugs. I never have.” I added.

Michael took a seat beside me as the officers furiously took notes. He slid a thin arm around my shoulder. “Jade was with me that entire night anyway, and I went home just after midnight.”

They seemed to have no problem believing me.

“Did you have any prior knowledge of any previous drug use? Or did she ever mention anything about taking anything to you?” Reynolds asked me.

I shook my head slowly. “Not really. I suspected that maybe she used some kind of party pills or something now or then, and she mentioned pot once or twice, but I don’t know…I don’t think she had a problem.” It was only a half-truth. To me, any drug usage was a problem, and I had noticed a change in her personality, but I didn’t know for sure it was from drugs, it was just a suspicion.

“Gabrielle may be my best friend but she knows that I don’t like that kind of thing, so I don’t think she would have ever told me anyway, not unless she was in some kind of trouble.” I added.

The doctors found traces of heroin in her blood, but an unidentified substance was also found. She also has a few injuries…” One of the officers began. I blinked hard. “She was sustained abrasions that were fresh when she was brought in to the E.R. We suspect that she was possibly drugged and raped.”

I gasped. I looked at Michael, he was deeply concerned. My eyes spilled over with tears. There was a tiny little ounce of relief though, that she hadn’t let herself fall in to that kind of state on her own. I took my face in my hands and breathed a soft sob of tears. It was all too much to take.

“Jade…” The officer pressed me, “I know this isn’t an easy time for you, and we empathize.” Goldman said gently, “But we need to know if you moved Jade before the paramedics came?”

I thought of her lying in the middle of the carpet, out of it. I shook my head. “She was on the living room floor.” I replied once I had composed my voice.

“What we need from you are the names of anyone you know who spends time with Gabrielle. Friends, boyfriends, acquaintences, anyone.”

I couldn’t get my thoughts to stop zipping around long enough to even give them a single name. I shook my head and shrugged, “I can’t think.”

The officer pulled his card from his pocket and slid it across the table. Michael took the card for me. “She might need some time.” He supplied for me.

The officer nodded with understanding. “That’s fine. It’s just that Gabrielle isn’t talking to us at the moment, and even when the doctors inform us that she’s more up to it, she might not want to— So we’re relying on her friends for now.”

My heart stopped a beat, but I tried not to get my hopes up.

“What do you mean by ‘she isn’t talking’?” Michael asked the officer as if reading my mind.

“She woke up from her coma early this morning, but she’s unable to talk to anyone still.”

“She woke up?!” I exclaimed. Both officers glanced at me blankly as if I should have known. “Last night, I knew she could tell I was there!” I almost shouted at poor Michael. Through my tears, I was showing such a relieved expression.

“Her mother won’t let me see her, she thinks I had everything to do with this!” I told the officers as if to explain, “Maybe I could get some information from her, if I was able to talk to her.” I wondered if she was physically and mentally okay. I knew sometimes coma’s left people brain damaged. I really hoped that Gaby would recover.

I exchanged a hopeful glance with Michael.

“We could arrange for you to see her, I’m sure.” Officer Reynold’s told me thoughtfully. “We’ll definitely be in touch, and if you can think of anyone, please call us immediately.

Michael saw the officers out while I remained at the table. My head was spinning while I tried to process what had just happened. For some sick reason I felt consoled that she hadn’t OD’d on her own accord. At least she wasn’t excessively using. On the flip-side though, I wasn’t sure how I could handle the idea of something as terrible as rape happening to my beautiful friend. I abhorred nothing more than the thought of a woman’s dignity and intimacy being physically stripped away from her. The thought repulsed me and the idea of it happening to someone I knew so well pained me.

Michael returned back a few minutes later as I was rising up from the dining chair and didn’t say anything. He engulfed me in a warm hug to console me of all the burdens that were impressing upon my heart.

Chapter 18

I was about to wait for them to arrange something, my ass, I thought as I neared the ward where we had found Gabrielle in just the night before. I didn’t care if her mother was there, I knew that if Gaby were in the condition to talk or to have visitors she’d tell her Mom that I was welcome.

When I approached her private room I noticed that the door was open and the curtains were pulled from around her bed. My hands were shaking slightly but mostly I felt a little bit of excitement knowing that she was out of danger. I caught a glimpse of her. Her eyes were open and she was alone in the room. She stared at the ceiling, unmoved, without expression. I took a soft step in to the room and knocked at the door.

Gaby turned to see who was there. She glanced at me for a few minutes, I could tell that she was trying to adjust her vision. I wasn’t sure how she was, I wasn’t sure if she was able to function properly yet. I made a beeline to her bedside. I saw a faint smile grace her thin and pale lips. I knew she was happy to see me.

“Gaby, I’m so glad that you’re okay.” I whispered, feeling tears of relief welling in my eyes. She was so pale and so gaunt, her skin was pasty and her eyes seemed so lifeless, sunken in to her sockets. I just couldn’t get over the amount of weight she’d lost. “How do you feel?” My voice was quiet, I didn’t want to speak too loudly.

“I’m okay.” She replied in a hoarse voice. She cleared her throat and looked into my eyes. “I’m sorry.” She murmured. Tears were moistening her own eyes and I knew that she was aware of what happened.

I shook my head and patted her hand gently. She had an IV hooked in to her wrist still. “Don’t be silly, Gab, I’m just glad you’re okay.” I pulled a chair close to her and took a seat. I wiped my teary eyes.

There was some silence between us. I didn’t really know what to say, and I didn’t want to push things with her too early. “How are you feeling?” I wanted to know.

She stared for a minute and finally shrugged, “My stomach hurts so much, but the doctor said it’s normal…”

I nodded, taking it in. My eyes fell over her thin frame lying in the bed, tucked under the thin hospital sheets. I felt more sorry than I’ve ever felt for her before. I realized that she was obviously lost, searching for acceptance, for something that had driven her to this kind of life style. Maybe the envy I always had of my friends who seemed to have their lives together was a farce. Maybe no one really knew what they were doing and it was all about who could put up the best front.

“Gaby—“ I began, holding back what felt like to be a flood of tears. “Gaby, you died.” I told her. I knew she was probably aware, but I wanted her to know how serious of a situation it was. “What on Earth happened?” I had to know, I couldn’t sit back and let the seriousness of it all just pass us by.

She stared back up at the ceiling, not wanting to look at me. I knew exactly why. Tears streamed from her eyes down the sides of her face, but she made no attempt to wipe them. I knew right away. “I found you on the floor in the living room, Gab.” I persisted, “Do you remember?”

She nodded. “You got there after he left.”

I wondered who she was talking about. When I’d received a call, it was from a guy. I assumed she was having a party since there was loud music, but when I gave it a lot of thought, I didn’t hear the voices of anyone else.

“Who were you with?”

“Kyle.” She replied in monotone. I had no idea who Kyle was, but I could only imagine from which low-budget hobo establishment he came from. All of Gaby’s friends were all the same. They were the dredges of society that liked to integrate and talk about how everyone in life was out to get them. I never understood it since Gaby was so above all of them, and her attitude never shadowed their sentiments.

“Just him? Did he hurt you, Gab?” I became pushy for an answer. Maybe I shouldn’t have, I knew when people asked me questions about Aaron, I immediately seized up and decided not to speak. “You can tell me.”

“It was my fault.” She murmured, reaching up a weak hand to wipe her eyes.

“No. It wasn’t.” I contradicted her. I wanted to tell her about Aaron, about how he had made me feel like his abuse was my fault.

“We were just hanging out… he was acting strangely and we wanted to have a taste.” I didn’t even realize people still used that disgusting expression. From my very sheltered experience, the only time I’d heard of someone getting a taste was in regards to heroine, which made sense. I couldn’t help but show how shocked I was that Gaby had made the conscious decision to shoot up. “We fooled around a little…I wanted him to leave, I was too out of it… and then…”

She closed her eyes and shook her head. She couldn’t tell me any more. I took her hand. “Gaby, remember Aaron?”

She turned her head to me and nodded. “I never told you half of what went on between Aaron and I. I never told anyone.” Except Michael, I thought to myself. “He scarred me, Gabs, physically. He physically abused me and tried to rape me, and that horrible car wreck?”

She looked at me with soft eyes, they were flooded with tears, she seemed almost shocked by my brief explanation.

“That car wreck was because I was trying to get away from him…” I admitted. I felt her squeezing my hand, “And I always thought it was my fault, sometimes I still do. But I never invited him to do that to me, just like you didn’t invite Kyle to do what he did to you.”

“He kept fixing me drinks… and then I just remember being paralyzed, I don’t know if he drugged me, or if it was just me because of the drugs I was already on. I couldn’t move but I could feel him, I could feel everything but I couldn’t move a single muscle.” Gaby began to sob. I held her as close as I could give the machines that she was still attached to were in the way.

“I was so drunk too.”

“He drugged you, Gabs.” I informed her, kissing her softly on the head. “The police pretty much told me this morning. It must have just been too much with the heroine and alcohol too.” I wanted to ask what made her do it, but I knew it would be pointless at that moment.

We talked for a little while longer. I knew her body was exhausted and I didn’t want to get in to anything too deep with her for now. But at least I knew what happened. I wasn’t about to call the police or anything though, I wanted to talk to her more intensely about it when she felt up to it.

“Would you like me to come back and see you tomorrow?” I asked her when I could sense her starting to grow groggy. The nurses were back and forth every ten or fifteen minutes taking her vitals. I knew she had to be getting tired of it.

“Only if you want to.” She replied. I also knew she felt terribly guilty, but I didn’t want her to feel that way.

“Of course I want to, silly.” I smiled. I kissed her forehead softly. “Do me a favor, tell your Mom I had nothing to do with what happened, I just found you, okay?” I said casually.

“Oh.” She paused. “We already talked about it.” She seemed apologetic in her response, so I didn’t say anything else.

“I’ll come in before work tomorrow, okay?”

She nodded. “See you…” She watched after me as I walked out of her room.

It was after 4pm, I’d spent two hours with her. I wanted to call Michael but I knew he wouldn’t be home. Instead I just headed home so that I could go and have a nap. I had had a very restless sleep the previous nights thinking about Gabrielle, but now I was able to relax.

I felt a bit selfish, but at least my mind was free and I could concentrate better on Michael who I was going to be seeing in a few short hours.

**

I hung up the phone with a smile on my face, despite the fact that I’d awoken my sweetheart from her afternoon nap.

Sweetheart.

It had such a soft and tender sound to it. It was such an antique pet name, but I adored the term of endearment because it suited her to a tee. It struck me as almost a bit comical that she had tried to pretend that her heart was anything but fond of me.

It was fantastic to hear that Gaby was okay. I’d been so worried about both Jade and her. What had happened with her best friend had clearly traumatized her to the degree that I wasn’t sure I could completely fix. I knew that I had to be there for her regardless of what happened, and of course I wanted to be that person she trusted, but it was so good to know that she was okay, both of them.

I could almost hear her beaming on her end of the phone line. The conversation had been brief, she had told me that her friend was resting up. I had something planned for our date later that evening. I wanted to shower her with lots of spontaneous and romantic things. And I also liked that we still weren’t entirely comfortable with each other. We still had moments of awkwardness between us, and we had goofy teen-like moments where we waited for the one another to make the first move. Those things to me were just a gentle reminder that we still had a lot to learn about each other, so I shouldn’t be so speedy to want the physical side of the relationship as much.

I loved Jade for who she was, her personality, her friendship, her ability to trust me and let me place my trust in to her. I loved her because she was funny and blunt and could take a joke as well as she could dish it out. I loved it when she bared her soul to me on all numerous occasions because I knew that she was real. She didn’t get stupidly emotional over miniscule things like other girls did, It annoyed me to take time to console someone for something that wasn’t even that big of a deal. I knew it was selfish, but I kinda hated it actually. It made me want to say, “You think you’ve got problems? I can’t even go out and take a piss without someone following me to the bathroom.”

But when Jade got upset, I knew it was serious, otherwise she kept it to herself. I wanted to learn to love every single attribute about her before we made any other steps toward a physical relationship.

Anyway, I was expecting her in a little over an hour which gave me appropriate time to prepare plans for our night.

**

“Hi.” She spoke softly and smiled sweetly when I opened my front door. I was really happy to see her, despite the fact that I’d seen her just hours before. She definitely seemed more relaxed and I knew I had her full undivided attention now that such a massive weight was lifted from her shoulders.

“Hi princess.” I replied, opening my arms to her. She molded her frame against my body perfectly as if nothing else were meant to be. Wafts of her rich fragrance flirted with my senses. I embraced her tightly. I felt sometimes that an embrace could say more than words just by how tight or how intense it was. In fact, sometimes I even felt like it was as if hugging Jade was as though she were unloading some of the weight of her problems on to me, so that we could carry each other’s burdens together.

I pulled away and kissed her gently on the cheek.

She stepped inside and I closed the door behind her. She was wearing a denim jacket and was about to take it off, but I stopped her. “We’re not saying in tonight. I have plans for us.” I told her, “I just have to get my stuff together, give me a second.”

“Ooh plans.” She remarked, “What are they?”

“It’s a surprise!” I replied loudly as I walked down the hallway to grab a sweater and my car keys and wallet. I checked myself out in the mirror. Not bad, Jackson. I thought modestly as I fussed with my gelled hair. I was wearing a plain black v-neck sweater and my trademark black slacks. I looked okay.

Jade looked wonderful as usual, I thought to myself as I met back with her at the foyer. She was wearing a 3 quarter length black skirt with a plain white t-shirt and her hair was out, over her shoulders. I don’t think I’d ever seen her pull it back. I slipped my hand into hers and flashed her a smile. “Are you happy?”

She nodded and returned the smile.

“Good then. Off we go.”

In the car Jade probed me for a hint as to where we were going but I just shook my head. “If I give you a hint and you guess it-which you won’t, but if you did then it wouldn’t be a surprise, would it?”

She crossed her arms and tried to feign annoyance, but I could see straight through that shit. “I hate surprises.” She mumbled.

“You lie.” I poked her gently in the arm. “You’ll love this one, now stop your complaining.” I made an exit from the highway and started our drive down a dark and windy road. I knew exactly where I was going, but I knew the chances of Jade knowing the place was quite slim to none.

We arrived approximately forty minutes later. There were a lot more lights and Jade was looking around curiously trying to gather her bearings. “Where on Earth are we?”

I had taken her to a lookout point. It wasn’t a make-out spot or anything, but a nice picnic area and a place that I quite frankly felt would be as close to paradise as I could find in California. The mountains stood tall in front of us and had great lighting shone upon them. I smiled to myself, it was so peaceful and far enough from the hustle bustle and smog of the city.

“This is Enwood Cove.” I told her as we got out of the car and shut the doors. “It’s my favorite place to come when I need to de-stress.” I moved around the front of my car to the trunk. I stopped what I was doing for a moment to check her reaction. She had a grin upon her face as she surveyed the landscape and greenery that stretched for quite some time before the edge of the cliff. There, of course, were safety rails. It was a park, thick with trees, lush, short grass and lamp posts illuminating most of the area.

I opened the trunk up and pulled out the picnic basket and blanket. Her mouth fell open when she saw how prepared I was. “We’re gonna have a picnic beneath the stars.” I informed her. “And don’t worry, I didn’t dare attempt to bake anything, I’m prepared true Jade and Michael style.” I grinned at her.

She seemed flattered just by the whole idea and it truly warmed my heart that this girl had absolutely no expectations of me, which made it quite easy for me to surprise her. I knew she was really unsure of what to say, so I didn’t really expect her to say anything. Instead, she came toward me and slipped her hand in to the one that I had free and stood on her tip-toes to kiss me on the cheek.

I appreciated that gesture so much.

“Aren’t you worried about someone seeing you?” She asked me showing a little bit of concern as she wiped a slight mark of lip-gloss from my cheek. I gave a little chuckle and looked at her with clear eyes.

“Why? Do I look worried?”

“No.” She replied with an amused look. “I just don’t want you to go to any trouble or put yourself in positions that you shouldn’t.”

I adored that she was considering my welfare. It made me yearn to put myself on the line for her more than I already was. “We’ll be fine. I know just the place for us to go sit where we won’t be disturbed.” I told her, brushing off her worry.

We walked together hand-in-hand down along the grass, following a path that took us closer to the cliff edge, until we found a bit of a clearing. I knew that the chances of anyone coming so far down so late in the evening was pretty slim to none, and even if they did, they certainly wouldn’t be looking for Michael Jackson.

“Is here okay?” I asked her. We had a great view of the chasm that separated both sides of the cliff. The mountains that peaked on the other side were really beautiful.

Jade gave a nod of approval. “It’s beautiful Michael…” She said, taking a moment to look around. I let go of her hand and smiled, I was pleased that she seemed to appreciate the scenery. “It really is.”

I set down the picnic basket and opened it to get take out the pink blanket I’d brought from home. Jade pulled her eyes away from the gorge and helped me spread it out. I sat down first and she joined me seconds after. “Thank you for all of this… you’re so lovely and thoughtful.”

I couldn’t seem to wipe the smile from my mouth. “It’s my pleasure.” I replied, shrugging it off.

I scooted over to her so that I was sitting beside her. Her hand found its way in to mine and our fingers entwined. “Do you want to tell me about your day?” I asked, really wanting to know how everything had went with Gabrielle at the hospital.

She proceeded to explain the day’s events and I watched her speak. I let my eyes linger over her as she relayed the conversation that she had had, piece by piece. I couldn’t believe how lucky I was to have met someone that just made me feel so damn good. I absently stroked her hand with my thumb, listening intently to her story.

“I really think that the policeman’s theory about her being drugged was right. Nothing adds up, she was making a lot of excuses for him and blaming her own behavior, but she basically admitted he raped her, she just didn’t put it explicitly.”

I shook my head in disbelief. I felt very sorry when defenseless girls landed themselves bastardly men, that usually in most cases, saw them coming a mile away. I watched a couple of my brother’s prey upon girls who had self-esteem too low to find anyone else better. “I hope she’ll admit to the police, he deserves everything that’s coming to him.”

“I know… I promised to go see her tomorrow, I guess I’ll go in before work. But I got home and just had a nice long sleep.”

“Until I woke you up!” I chuckled.

“Yeah, but that’s okay. I slept right through my alarm and so if you didn’t call, I would have been hours late.” She confessed. I could feel her leaning in against me and I didn’t mind at all. “How about you, how was your day?”

“Not too bad, despite the fact that some random dude walked in on me when I was peeing this morning, but it only got better.” I joked with a light-hearted laugh.

Jade giggled. “Seriously, what did you end up getting up to?”

“I was supposed to do some work, and I’d planned that I was going to get a lot of things done, but actually, I’d ended up sitting around Sarah’s office chatting to her about her children and time really got by us.” I explained, I realized then that she had no idea who the hell Sarah was. “Sarah is my manager.” I added.

“Oooh!” She nodded, understanding.

“Yeah. Her eldest daughter is 10 and she’s been diagnosed with epilepsy and she was having mild seizures but now they’re getting really bad. So we were talking about all the options she and her husband are considering. I think she just needed a talk.” I shrugged.

“That was really sweet of you to care enough to hear her out.”

“Oh.” I smiled, “Her girls are beautiful. I know them quite well, I sometimes do this thing…” I gave a nervous laugh, hoping that Jade wouldn’t think I was weird. I knew my interest in children was sometimes taken the wrong way, but I hoped Jade wouldn’t think that. She gazed at me with her undivided attention, as if hanging on to everything that was coming from my mouth. “I um… I sometimes have play day at my house…and I invite over all my nephews and nieces, and the kids of friends and other family and it’s like a big party for no reason… the kids love it. They go nuts.”

“That’s such a neat idea!” She exclaimed, “And so very brave of you as well.” She laughed, “I could only imagine the mess.”

“The mess is nothing. I just love it to see them happy, and it’s so much fun… I actually ended up having to get the living room of my parents place re-carpeted after the last time.” I started to laugh at the look on my father’s face when he stepped in to the house after getting home from Vegas. The room may as well have been upside down.

Jade’s mouth was open with shock and amusement, “You’re kidding, Michael, that sounds like an expensive day.”

I shook my head and shrugged, “You think I’m nuts right?”

“No.” She chuckled, releasing her hand from mine. I felt her thin arm slide around my waist. I reciprocated her gesture and pulled her body closer toward mine. “Well… yeah, that sounds a bit nuts, but lots of fun—what kinds of things do you guys do?” She wondered. I laughed at her honesty. I knew she didn’t mean it in at all in a nasty way.

“I probably couldn’t do it at my apartment now, because there’s no outside, and…” I paused, trying to stifle a spiteful little smile, “I value my own worldly possessions more than I value my Dads’.” I cleared my throat and heard Jade laugh again, mostly out of disbelief. Oh yeah, that’s right baby, Michael Jackson had a wild side, ruining his father’s shit. I really did kind of enjoy it and gained satisfaction when something of his was broken or ruined, such as his favorite armchair that I encouraged my six year-old niece to jump on. I was such a rebel. “But generally, we just play party games… I might hire a magician, or learn some magic and conduct the show myself. I had a bouncing castle last time, it was brilliant—oh and a cake fight. A party isn’t complete without one of those.”

Jade looked at me as if I had two heads. I felt my face going bright red. “Oh man, I’ve just ruined everything you ever thought of me, now haven’t I?” She was chewing on her lip to keep from laughing, I could tell. Her eyes were brightly lit up, and I knew that she wasn’t having any judgmental thoughts about me. “I confess, I’m not very cool.”

“You never cease to amaze me, Michael.” She replied, “I think you’re hysterical. I don’t know anyone who would go to such trouble to please an army of kids. I think it’s so sweet and lovely and boy, your parents must be so glad you moved out.”

I laughed and thanked her for her compliment. “I was happy to move out.” I added, “Do you want to know what I plan to do hopefully within the next five or so years?” I asked.

She looked at me lovingly, and I knew that even if she did think I was a little bit nuts, it wouldn’t turn her off. She gave me a nod, a faint smile adorning her lips as she waited for my answer.

“Okay, but promise you won’t laugh, cause I’ve only ever told one other person and they thought it was a dumb idea that would never work.” I felt a little bit nervous about it sharing it.

I remembered how I had relayed the idea to Brooke and she had raised one of her bushy eyebrows at me and wrinkled her nose. “That’s stupid, Michael, and people will just think even more weird of you.” She told me bluntly. I remember feeling quite hurt about the way I’d been cut down, but I just shrugged it off, telling her she was probably right while knowing inside, I was still going to make it happen eventually.

Jade caressed my cheek with the back of her fingers, absently. “I won’t laugh at you…” She replied sincerely, looking in to my eyes, expectantly.

“I want to have my own kind of theme park. I want to build it somewhere in Southern California in the mountains and I’ll live there… I guess. I’d build my own house exactly as I want it on the property and I’ll have so much space to put in the coolest rides, a cinema, you know—those 3D like ones?”

She nodded with a grin.

“Yeah I’ll get one of those… and games and stuff, I have it all in my head exactly how it’d be, and a lake, I’d never have to leave. It’d be my own little world and I could have my own studio there—guest houses, and high security so no one would ever bother me if I didn’t want them to.” I explained passionately. This plan had been swirling around in my head for the past few years, and now I was making the kind of money that could see it happening. “and it’s not just for my own selfish reasons.” I thought it was important to add.

“What I want to do is…make it so I can have all types of children come to spend their day there. It would be entirely free. I’d have terminally ill children come to play, underprivileged children, families who maybe couldn’t afford to spend a lot of money on going on a trip to say… I don’t know… Disneyland…”

Jade was grinning so hard, teeth and all. I knew she didn’t think my idea was stupid. “I just want to have a chance to share everything that I have with everyone who doesn’t have it…you know?”

She didn’t say anything at first, but she showed me what she thought by her actions. She pressed her lips against mine softly. I reciprocated, kissing her back, with one arm encircled around her. I loved the brand new feeling I got whenever I felt her mouth against mine. I felt both of her hands clutch my upper arms to steady herself. I closed my eyes and savored the moment between us. There was no tongue, no haste and no sloppiness, just sweet and tender, innocent kisses that didn’t need to lead anywhere else.

She pulled away first and glanced at me a little shyly. I smoothed her hair and couldn’t help but smirk a little bit, “Does that mean you don’t think my idea is too silly?”

Jade laughed and pushed my shoulder, “Of course I don’t think the idea is silly! I love it. Could I move in next door?”

I grinned at the thought, “The size of my property is gonna be huge, sweetheart, next-door is gonna be about 15 miles down the road.” I joked.

She shrugged, “That’s okay, we could build one of those flat escalator things like they have in the airports and it could lead from my front door, to yours. Now that’d be fun.”

I loved her witty line of thinking. “Yeah, it could go super fast and part of the fun would be trying not to fall back from the g-force.”

We both began to laugh at our own silliness. “Yeah okay, so we’ll definitely do the escalator thing. Maybe you should think about a dungeon with spiked walls that close-in, and then we could get all the jerks that say mean stuff about you, and everyone I don’t like, and stuff them in there. And we could play bad music to torture them.” Jade rolled on with the ideas, I was beside myself laughing at the thought.

“That would have to be quite a big room, Jade.”

“Yeah, that’s true, there’s a lot of people that I don’t like. Oh, you know what, the smaller the room the better. They’ll suffer. We could play Madonna and Debbie Gibson music on repeat. They’d be so sorry they ever messed with us!”

I burst out laughing at her never-ending remarks about Madonna. “They would be begging for mercy.” I agreed with a nod. My cheeks were beginning to hurt from how hard I was laughing and smiling. Definitely a feeling that I wouldn’t have minded getting used to.

We calmed down from our little fit of giggles and Jade encouraged me to start unpacking the picnic basket. “What did you bring?” She wondered. “I don’t quite know what to make of the ‘Jade and Michael style’ food you were talking about.”

I pulled out a packet of corn chips, and some sandwiches I had made, at least I could do something right in the kitchen. There was some guacamole and salsa and most importantly a bottle of coca-cola. No thanks to Jade, I was becoming addicted to that shit. I had also picked up a chicken salad from the store. I even bought two candles with strong candle holders so they couldn’t blow over.

“You’re a genius!” Jade exclaimed as I lit the candles carefully between us. “This is great! You know me so well!”

“I’m glad I’m not the only crappy eater out there.” I replied, “You make me feel comfortable about eating crap.”

Jade laughed, “Don’t you hate it when you go out to dinner or something and everyone is eating all healthy and all you want is that big ass burger with the massive side order of fries but you know you’d get strange looks if you do order it?”

I nodded, “Yeah! And instead you get some retarded plate of rabbits food, with a piece of lettuce and a strategically cut piece of shrimp.”

We laughed as I uncovered the sandwiches. There were two kinds, one was tuna salad and the other just regular salad.

“I hate that. Just give me a glass of coke and a hamburger and I’m set.” She paused and considered how she sounded, “Sorry Michael, I’m not really a classy girl.” She laughed.

“Yes you are.” I contradicted her, “You just know how to eat properly, and I actually don’t so it’s a good learning curve for me.” I said honestly, “Mostly I don’t eat very well, especially in front of people, but I feel comfortable eating in front of you.”

“Well that’s good, but I’m not the queen or anything. I’m not going to send you to the spike-walled dungeon if you slop something.”

I cracked up. “Thanks…You’re just too kind.”

“I know.” She tossed her hair, “I get that a lot.” She added smartly, before laughing at her own sillyness. I rolled my eyes playfully and held handed her the bottle of coke and placed two glasses in front of her. “You can be in charge of the pouring.”

“Oooh responsibilities.”

“Of course as the big strong masculine man that I am, I’ll be in charge of the opening of the salsa lid.” I joked.

I popped open the bag of corn chips and spread everything out around us. “Okay…. Time to eat up.”

We were having such fun already and dammit, I couldn’t have been any happier at that moment. I was a perfectly contented man. I couldn’t even remember the last time I felt this damn good.

Chapter 19

“Do you believe in UFOs and all that Roswell stuff?” I asked Michael as we lay both staring up at the stars above us in the clear night sky. I nestled in to the crook of his arm enjoying the warmth of his body heat. It was growing a bit cool and I’d left my jacket back in the car.

“Hmm…” He pondered the question for a few moments and gave a little shrug, “Probably not, but it’s fun to imagine. I believe there’s more out there—but I don’t really think about aliens as such…How about you?”

I remained silent and looked at the Evening Star, “Nah. I’m too narrow-minded for something like that.”

We laughed, but I felt that it was probably a truthful answer, but as always Michael was quick to jump to my defense. “You’re not narrow-minded, you just prefer to believe everything as black or white, all or nothing.”

I smiled. He had me pegged to a tee and I didn’t mind so much. “You’re probably right.” I agreed with him. We lay quietly lost in our own thoughts for the most part and I enjoyed it so much. I didn’t feel awkward during silences, and I didn’t feel like I needed to say too much all the time, which I liked. Michael wasn’t the type of person that talked too much, or asked too many questions and if there was a subject that I seemed like I didn’t want to discuss too much, he always left it alone.

I was really taken aback by how sweet and thoughtful his idea for our date together was. I certainly wasn’t expecting it, and it just made me appreciate him all the more.

I turned in to face him, so that I was lying on my side. He was flat on his back staring above. I studied his face, he had light traces of stubble on his cheek and it made me smile. His curls were dry and fell carelessly across his smooth dark forehead. He was so attractive, and I remembered back to the first few times I’d met him and thought about how I’d felt that there was absolutely nothing sexy about him.

Well.

Hadn’t times changed?

He turned to me, noticing that I was staring at him intently with a smile on my lips. He gave me a shy little smile in return. He was so self-conscious, I knew he was probably wondering why I was staring, and would probably never accept it was because I found him to be so interesting and stunning to look at.

“What?” He asked, wiping his cheek, as if he’d had something there.

“Nothing, silly!” I pulled his hand away from his face. “I was just admiring.”

His eyes softened and I could see the muscles in his face relax. He turned in to face me as well and slipped his arm around my waist as I brushed my fingertips along his cheek. His eyes searched mine in perfect silence. I could feel my heart beating faster than usual in my chest and I couldn’t help but acknowledge that I was well and truly in love with him.

The devil on my shoulder was constantly coercing me into believing how easy it would be to just push him away, lock the door of my heart and never ever tell him how I felt, but my heart knew that that would be much more of a painful effort. I really did want to give this man before me the chance to hold my heart in his hands, and I was petrified that he would break it, but I felt like I owed it to him – to me, to give him the absolute benefit of the doubt.

“Would you freak out if I told you somethin’ big?” He asked, dropping his voice low. His hand steadied upon my hip. I shook my head. Nothing could have scared me away from him.

He leaned his forehead against mine gently, before reaching up to find my hand. He laced his fingers through mine and kissed my lips tenderly. “I know this is crazy…” He murmured, “I know that I probably shouldn’t be even telling you yet…” He paused to kiss me again and breaking it just as quickly. “But… I’ve never felt like this with anyone… so comfortable, and so uninhibited.” He confessed.

I couldn’t speak because I felt the exact same way for him. He had really taken me by surprise though. I wasn’t expecting him to admit it all to me.

“I’ve never been in true love before…and I always wondered what it felt like—“ he continued, bringing my hand to his lips and kissing it. “My Mom told me I wouldn’t even have to wonder if I’d been in love if I had, because I’d know.”

I knew what was coming. My heart was speeding and my breath was caught in my throat. I could feel my eyes stinging and I knew I was probably about to cry. “I am falling so deeply in love with you, Jade.” He finally blurted out. “I never thought I’d be able to say it to anyone and truly mean it from the abyss of my heart, but God…” His voice trailed off. “I love you...and I’m sorry if that freaks you out, or if you think it’s too soon, forgive me.”

I was absolutely stunned by his courage to just lay it all on the line.

“You don’t have to say anything, Jade.” He told me quietly, “I know it’s probably too soon—“

I shook my head, “No…” I stopped him. “It’s not.” I blinked back tears. “I…” I stammered for the right words to express what I was feeling. I knew what I wanted to say, just to get them out – that was the hard part.

“I know we said we’d take this slowly, and I want to. Nothing changes…” He added, interrupting my thoughts. I knew he was paranoid that I was about to freak out and reject him, but I truly wasn’t about to.

I gave a light chuckle, almost just to release the tension. “Michael… you don’t need to defend your reasons for telling me…” I replied with a small smile. I planted a kiss on his lips, trying to break more of the tension before I told him that I felt the same.

He broke the kiss first as if he wanted to talk more, and I felt bad for cheapening the moment with my laugh. I ran my fingers through his curly hair and gave him a fond gaze. “I think you’re amazing, Michael, you are so special.”

He finally smiled, seeming to be satisfied with that answer. I knew he probably didn’t expect anything more from me, but I felt annoyed with myself that I couldn’t force myself to explain my feelings for him quite the way he was able to push them out. That damned devil on my shoulder just wouldn’t let me. I always feared that I seemed insincere when I paid him compliments, or when I showed him affection, possibly because I wasn’t very used to it.

“I feel really comfortable with you… I can be a certain way with you that I can’t be with anyone else…” I told him.

“Yourself?” He simply supplied.

I almost had to laugh at how spot on he was. I nodded and laughed. “See that? You really get me… Sometimes better than I get myself. It’s a bit scary, actually.” I told him, letting go of his hand to sit up.

He sat up too and put his arm around me. I was feeling a bit strange, not awkward, not upset … I couldn’t really place it. I guess I was a little bit overwhelmed, but not in a bad way at all. I knew that he picked up the vibe from me. More than anything, I wasn’t used to being understood, or having someone think they understood me and then try to undo me at the seams, to turn me in to something that I wasn’t – I wasn’t used to being accepted just as I was.

And Michael did. He really, truly did. To tell the truth, it was a bit mind-boggling.

“If it makes you feel better, I feel the same way about you.” He smiled, squeezing my shoulders gently. “You say things to me sometimes and it blows my mind how spot-on you are, but I take it as fate. This… you and I…” He pointed to me and then back to himself, “We’re just meant to be.”

I leaned my forehead on his shoulder. “I’m happy about that.”

“Girl, me too.” He replied as if he were sighing. I relaxed a little bit, and let his arms keep me warm because it was starting to get cool.

“Michael, would you meet my Mom?” I randomly blurted out. “I just… I know that’s a weird question to ask, especially right now but…It’s just that my Dad is gonna go over to see her tonight and no doubt he’ll be bursting at the seams to say something.”

He started to laugh, “Only under one condition.” He bargained.

“What’s that?”

“I’ll meet your Mom if you meet mine. I won’t have you meet my Dad though, he’s a …” He carefully looked for a word that would aptly describe the father that I was beginning to realize he hated. “Jerk.”

“Okay.” I agreed with a smile.

“Deal.” He extended his hand and we sealed it with a handshake … and a kiss.

We talked for a little while, deciding that we should invite our Moms to have lunch with us together one day at Michael’s. Michael was adamant that his Mom would be perfectly happy to slog it out in the kitchen with him and prepare a meal. I was a bit relieved about it, because Mom and I weren’t that great in the kitchen – that was always Dad’s thing.

“You know… it’s getting really late… I don’t really want to end this, but—it’s getting cold and you don’t have your jacket. Maybe we should pack up.”

I nodded in agreement. “I have to work early anyway.” I looked at my watch and realized it was near 2am. “Crap!” I yelped. “Oh my god, I had no idea it was so late.”

“I’m sorry, I should have realized…” He apologized, “I forgot that you had to work.”

I felt like maybe he had fibbed, but that was fine. I smiled , “It’s okay. Not your fault. We better go though. I’m not a morning person as it is.”

He laughed and we packed up our picnic together. I knew it wouldn’t be after three until I got home, but I didn’t really mind, I’d had a fantastic night.

**

When we arrived back at Michael’s, he walked me straight out to my car before even going inside first. I stood at the driver’s door and gave him a hug. I drew in a deep breath and closed my eyes. He broke the embrace and pulled away from me. I kissed him on the lips and said goodnight.

I opened the car door and got in. He smiled at me lovingly and I knew I couldn’t leave just yet. I got back out and pulled him toward me again. He seemed surprised, but didn’t protest. I pressed my lips against his and kissed him hungrily. He slid his arms around my waist, bringing me closer, embracing me tightly. I felt the tip of his tongue against mine. I enjoyed every second of it, but knew I had something more important to say. I broke the kiss off, however passionate it may have been.

“Michael, remember when you told me you loved me earlier?” I blurted out. My hands rested on his shoulders and his arms never moved from around my waist. He nodded seriously, looking in to my eyes.

“I love you too.” I added simply.

He broke in to a grin and I knew him hearing those words meant so much. He kissed me again, this time I didn’t pull away first. I was so damn ready to go up to his bedroom there and then if it weren’t for the damn promise that we’d go slow, or the fact that I had to be up in just short of 3 hrs.

I hated to go, but I had to.

We couldn’t wipe the smiles from our faces, we must have looked so fuckin’ dumb. I gave him a little wave as I drove away.

I was still grinning when I was back on the highway.

It’d been so long since I was in love. And it felt like a brand new day.

**

I dropped my handbag down as I walked in the front door. I didn’t even care about the mess I’d left in the kitchen earlier in the morning. I disrobed from my stupid black work vest and tossed it on to the couch and slid off my stilettos. I tugged at my own blouse, just desperate to be free of the restricting uniform. I had had the worst day ever.

I had been yelled at by my boss, I had some tosser throw an entire meal and beverage serving at me, and that was only the tip of the ice-burg.

I went to visit Gaby and they had moved her again. I went searching all over the damn hospital, and when I did find her, her parents caused a scene and wouldn’t let me near her, despite both of our protests. I just gave up and left a message at the nurses station that I’d call her later.

I wanted to pick up the phone and call Michael just to hear a reassuring voice. I wanted to vent to him about what a dip shit my boss was, and how rude he’d been even though he knew that I’d had some unfortunate news. It didn’t help that I was in a bad mood in general. I knew I was tired, so that was probably what attributed to the day sucking so much, but that didn’t console me much.

I picked up the phone and dialed his number and waited patiently for him to answer.

Waiting…

Waiting…

I heard the sound of his machine picking up. “Hi, I’m not here right now, but please leave a detailed message with your contact number after the tone. Bye.”

I thought about leaving a message but I didn’t bother. I just hung up the phone and figured he would probably call me later. At least I hoped. Instead, I got up and headed for the shower.

**

Just after eight my phone rang. I picked it up, hoping that it was Michael and not just my Mom calling for a chat. I was really putting off seeing Dad and her for a couple of days because I knew I would enter interrogation city.

“Hello?”

“Jade… it’s me.” Michael’s voice echoed through the receiver. There was a lot of noise in the background and I wondered where he was. I smiled nevertheless, happy to hear his voice.

“Hi Michael, I just tried calling you a little while ago.” I confessed, wondering if he was calling from home. No, he couldn’t be, it sounded as if he were traveling in a car or something.

“Oh, I’m sorry … listen honey… I have something to tell you…” I felt my stomach sink and anticipated some really bad news. His voice sounded really absent, as though his mind wasn’t really with it. I hoped he was okay.

“Okay…” I heard my voice trail off. I closed my eyes begging god not to make my day get any worse.

“It’s nothing too serious, I hope… but well—I’m actually calling you from a plane. I’m on my way to New York as we speak.” He blurted out.

I was confused. There had been no mention of a trip to New York. “Why?”

“I had no idea until lunch time today. I really wanted you to come along, and I tried calling you at work but whoever answered at the front desk was hell bent on not putting the phone call through.”

Fucking Marcus, I thought. My psychotic boss had made the firm decision that day that he hated me all because I had taken a shift away from work because of what had happened to Gaby. He couldn’t find anyone to cover me, and now as a result I was spawn of the devil.

“That sucks.” Was all I could muster up in reply. I felt like crying knowing that my asshole boss had kept the call from me.

I heard him sigh in to the phone. “I have to go to London tomorrow at lunch time and I’ll be there for a week, apparently.”

I knew he’d warned me that things would happen like this, but I couldn’t help feeling annoyed. We had planned to approach invite our mother’s to lunch one day in the coming week, but I guess that plan was shot to shit now. “Okay.” I replied passively.

“Are you mad?” He asked me, seeming a bit disappointed and put out by my response. I gave a shrug on my end, before realizing that he couldn’t actually see me.

“No, Michael.” My tone was still, showing no emotion what-so-ever. “You told me this is how it would be, that’s fine.” It was more like I was trying to convince myself.

“But even so.” He insisted, “it doesn’t stop it from being frustrating and unfair.” He paused, “If you wanted, I could arrange for you to come out here…”

“I appreciate the offer but… I don’t want to leave Gaby right now.” I didn’t know why I bothered, Gaby’s parents made it clear that I wasn’t going to be allowed anywhere near her.

“I understand.” He replied. It was a strange kind of conversation. Both of us were feeling things that we weren’t prepared to say aloud. It felt awkward, almost as if we were daring the other to break the ice. “Did you see her tonight?”

“I was supposed to, but I had a huge argument with her parents and I had to leave again. I’ll call her later.” I breathed out a big sigh. “I better let you go Michael, calling me must be costing you a fortune.” I added with reluctance in my heart.

“No-“ He paused, “Wait… Jade, seriously… I’m sorry. I wish I could have postponed this trip, but I have a hard time saying no, especially since my manager has been really covering my butt this week. I feel terrible for leaving you especially after last night.” I could tell by his tone that he was sincere and that made me feel a scooch better. “And I know we made plans for me to meet your Mom, and for you to meet mine… but we can just do it another time.”

I could feel the tears burning my eyes. I wiped them away, but sniffed audibly. I knew he’d be able to tell I was crying.

“Sweetie, what’s wrong?” He asked gently. I loved that tone he took with me when he was concerned. It made my heart beat faster and made me realize just how much he cared about me. It was so genuine.

I gave up holding my tears and just let them go. “I just had a bad day… I’m sorry.” I apologized, “it’s not your fault. I’m not mad at you.” I admitted. “I’m just disappointed because I really wanted to see you.”

I hated myself for sounding so idiotic, for crying to him like a whiny, emotionally needy bitch girlfriend. Man…

“I know…” He sympathized with me. “I completely understand why you’re disappointed, it’s my fault and I’m sorry.”

I wiped my eyes and nose. “It’s okay Michael, don’t apologize. You better go…”

“It’s not like I’ll go hungry after paying this bill, honey. I can afford to talk to you…” He made a little joke that I briefly smiled through my tears at. “I want to know about your day and how come you’re crying just now…” He told me.

I let out a shaky sigh and felt insanely better about the whole thing. “Marcus, my manager just went nuts on me and gave me a massive lecture about just taking random days off work without any notice.” I explained. “I don’t know what his problem is, I’ve always been his freaking star worker and he couldn’t even cut me slack. He always talks to us like we’re pieces of shit on his shoes, but he really yelled at me today.”

“What? What’s his problem! Doesn’t he know what happened with you?” Michael asked, incredulously and protectively.

“I tried to explain, but he wouldn’t let me speak. He’s just a miserable little jerk. And then… I went up to a room with room service.” I began, “And the psycho, snotty bitch that was staying in the room started ranting about the bed sheets having a mark on them and I kept my cool and went through protocol of apologizing and telling her I’d have someone up to fix it… and she wanted me to take them right then and there.”

“Man…” Michael remarked.

“I couldn’t take it cause I had more food to deliver to other rooms. I repeated again that I’d have someone take it while I put the tray of her room service down and she flipped and basically threw the tray back at me, teapot of tea, roast dinner, the whole shabang.”

“Oh my God!” He exclaimed, “What happened?”

“I didn’t really know what to do, so I just turned around and left the room leaving everything as it was and went to report it to Marcus. Then Marcus went for round two and tried to implicate that I’d said or done something to set her off.” I felt so stressed out. I was beginning to hate working for the Hotel. “I hate my job.”

“Sweetheart, I’m so sorry that your day was so shitty.” He murmured. I knew he felt so bad for me. “I wish I could give you a hug.” He sighed. “Why don’t you take a long hot bath and relax for the rest of the night?” He suggested.

“I don’t have a bath tub, remember?” I reminded him with a little smile, “I just took a shower though… it made me feel a bit better.”

“Why don’t you go hang out over at my place while I’m gone…” He suggested. “I’ve got cable… and a bathtub.” He boasted.

“Stop showing off, Richie Rich.” I teased. “I know my house isn’t a castle, but it’s my own.”

“I’m sorry.” He apologized, “I didn’t mean to sound like that…” He said quickly, “I just meant… oh man, I’m so embarrassed. I’m sorry Jade, I didn’t mean to sound like a rich asshole.”

I honestly didn’t mean to make him feel bad. I knew what he meant, and it certainly wasn’t meant to offend me. “It’s okay Michael.” I laughed, “I know what you meant. You were just being kind. Your house is definitely a whole lot more relaxing and spacious than mine.”

“Well you could go over and give me reason to pay my bills, and get some use out of the things I’m paying for but not using.” He joked. “Seriously.”

“You really trust me to go over there and not rifle through you’re entire house so soon in to this?” I asked, a little surprised that he was so open to offering me his apartment. When I flipped the table though, I realized I’d have no problem with him staying at my place, either.

“You can rifle through whatever you please, I have absolutely nothing to hide from you. Not even under my bed or in the deepest, most darkest shelf in my closet.” I knew he was smiling, and so was I, now. “I trust you not to burn the place down. But really, if you want to go hang out there I’ll give you the pin code to the apartment security, and the pin code to the front door.”

I remember the first time Michael had brought me to his apartment, I was really impressed with the technology. He didn’t need a key or any type of swipe card, just a pin code. He’d pinned in his code so expertly as if he was some kind of special agent. It was pretty darn cool, especially when I looked at my big fugly key and rattly doorknob.

“I couldn’t.”

“Sure you could.” He contradicted me. “Go sleep in my bed, keep it warm… watch TV, have a bath and while you’re at it, you could water the darn plant my Mom bought me, cause if it dies she’ll be mad at me.”

I laughed, still stuck on him wanting me to keep his bed warm. “Really? Are you serious, you’re nuts.”

“I’m serious!” He repeated, “Go get a pen and paper and write this down…”

I agreed with a little hesitance. “Ok, so it’s 4593 for the security building and 3840 for my apartment. If you want to park your car in the underground space, it’s the same code as my apartment.”

I smiled stupidly. I was honored and privileged that he wanted me to stay at his place. “What if someone asks me what I’m doing there?”

“They won’t. And if they do, just be honest and so I can call my own house to speak to you.” He said with a bit of excitement in his tone.

“Wait… what about if I answer the phone and it’s not you.”

“No biggie.” I could almost see him shrugging. “Just answer it if you want to and tell them that you’re Jade, and unless it’s one of my brother’s or sister’s who never call, no one will ask any more questions. If it’s my Mother, she knows who you are.”

I smiled again. Michael had already told his mother about me? I was delighted. “I don’t know about this, Michael… I’d feel so … I don’t know… sneaky.”

He laughed. “Make yourself entirely at home, Jade. It’s not like anything you’re going to do there is going to hinder me in any kind of way. Eat the food, it’ll just go off, call a random person in China… what do I care?” He laughed.

I liked the idea of staying at Michael’s apartment mostly because it was closer to work and I loved cable TV. “Okay.” I smiled. “I appreciate that so much, babe.”

“I have a cleaner that comes in twice a week, so don’t be startled if she pops up when you’re home, or if something isn’t where you left it when you go out.”

“Okay.” I agreed.

“Well, we’re going to land in about 30 minutes, so I’m being told to get off the phone, but will you go there tonight?"

It was a bit late, but I knew I’d probably feel less lonely at his place, because it would be different and new, and his presence would be around his house. “Okay.”

“Are you working tomorrow?”

“I am…but I don’t want to.” I groaned.

“Quit your job and let me look after you.” He semi-joked.

“Yeah right.” I mumbled. My Dad would kill me for some shit like that. He always instilled it in to me to be entirely self-sufficient and never let anyone take care of me unless there was a child or a life-time commitment.

“Well… how about I give you a call when I get to London, I’ll try to make it around this time without messing up the time zones.

“Sounds good. Thank you for listening to me have a moan and thank you for your kindness.”

“You’re always welcome, Jadey.” I smiled at his pet name. My Dad sometimes called me Jadey, and so did Gaby. It felt more familiar and less formal than Jade. I liked it. “Can I sound like a loser and tell you that I miss you already?” I asked.

He laughed lightly, “I miss you already too, but I’ll see you soon and I’ll bring you back something nice.”

“Okay have a safe trip. I’ll talk to you later.”

“Bye Jade, love you.” He replied, hanging the phone up before I had the chance to respond.

I put the phone on to the cradle and looked down at the piece of paper. I turned off the television and went to get my stuff together.

I was going to be staying at my boyfriend’s place.

I really liked how that sounded.

Travelling was the pits. I hated it. I hated waking up and feeling disorientated, sometimes forgetting where I even was – and now it was even worse because I was away from Jade. It was tolerable when there wasn’t anything keeping me back in Los Angeles, but now there was.

I was so pissed off about the plans that had been made without consulting me. I knew that Sarah had took it upon herself to book flights without my approval because she was well aware I’d fight tooth and nail to get out of going. She’d commented on how I’d been lacking lately in the business area. I felt a little bad because I knew that it was true, but so what? I’d been working so hard for so long already and if I slacked off a bit, so be it. I was at the absolute peak of my success, I had never been more famous – so I knew that it probably wasn’t going to hurt much if I missed a few meetings here or there or took a few days off.

I felt worse about leaving Jade by herself right after we had made our relationship official and right after the situation with her best friend. I sighed and looked out the window of the plane. We were on our way to London. I had a some meat-head bodyguard sitting next to me that I didn’t really know very well. I’d recently hired new security and this guard seemed to have the social skills of a lump of driftwood. It would have been nice to have some company that formed coherent sentences rather than just grunted when spoken to.

I just wanted to get to a hotel suite and sleep. It felt like I’d been traveling for days, and it really did feel like a long time since I kissed Jade goodnight, even if it was only two nights earlier. I hated it when something brilliant and exciting was happening and I’d have to put it on hold until work was finished.

I wished I had someone to talk about it with, but there was no one. I’m quite sure the gorilla in a suit beside me would find it all about as interesting as an empty beer keg. I rolled my eyes at the thought.

I put the plane headset on and began to pay attention to the in-flight movie. Jaws was playing. I gave a yawn. Nothing could have been more boring….

**

Jade answered the phone in a groggy voice and I realized that I’d probably woken her up. I felt bad, and wanted immediately to hang up and let her have some sleep.

I’d called her two nights earlier when I had arrived in London and she seemed to be enjoying her time at my house. I wasn’t sure if it sounded perverse, or if it were wrong of me, but I really wanted her to sleep in my bed, to be in my room. I wanted the smell of her hair to linger on to my pillowcase, the scent of her skin to linger in my bed sheets… And it wasn’t for any gross pleasure… I just wanted her presence known in my bedroom, not to receive any sexual gratification from it.

I encouraged her to sleep in my room as I also was well aware that my bed was so comfortable compared to anywhere else in the house. I had the luxuries in my room that the rest of the apartment didn’t really have. I wasn’t being entirely weird.

“Hi, sweetheart.” I said gently, “I’m sorry I woke you…”

There was silence for a few moments that I imagined was spent trying to gain her bearings. “Michael?”

“Yeah… it’s me… don’t worry about us talking tonight—I’ll call you later.”

“I can talk…” She replied, I could tell she was trying to wake herself up properly. I didn’t want to break her sleep, I knew that she had to work early in the morning, and the way things had been going in that department, she needed all the energy she could get.

“Seriously baby…” I said softly, “Go back to sleep and I’ll call you when I’m about to go to bed later. Get a good night’s sleep.”

She was far too tired to argue. She’d worked a double shift during the day to appease Marcus. She was a hard worker, and I admired her for that. She didn’t take time off unless she really needed it, and that was why I’d been so stunned when she’d told me what had happened with her idiot boss.

“Okay.” She agreed.

“Sweet dreams.”

“Love you…” She murmured before hanging up the phone.

I smiled. Those words were the sweetest melody to my ears. I placed the phone down and looked around the boring hotel suite.

Now what?

**

I glared across the desk at my boss, narrowing my eyes to slits. I was steaming angry. I might have seemed passive when it came to my professional life, but Marcus was about to learn that it wasn’t always the case.

“What on earth is your problem with me?” I asked him, my words like poison that had to be expelled from my lips. “You know, I might be just an employee to you, Marcus, but you and I both know I’m great at my job and maybe everyone else will let you talk to them like they’re your dogs, but I will not.”

I had far too much history with people talking down to me, making me feel inadequate or making me believe I was unworthy. I wasn’t about to let anyone ever do that to me again. He had blasted me out at the main desk in front of hotel patrons for assigning a double room to someone who had booked a single.

I wouldn’t have ordinarily done something like that, but we were booked out completely, and their reservations had been improperly printed out. We were really busy, and I knew better than to bother Marcus when he was busy. He couldn’t multitask for a packet of peanuts.

“Are you going to pay the money we’ll lose out on this room?” He snapped. “No. You’re not. My problem is that you didn’t check with me first, you’re not the Hotel manager, I am!” He pointed to his nametag that stated his title. “Until you are wearing this tag, you are under my authority!”

I could feel myself getting worked up. I wanted to cry tears of frustration. Everything had been building up over the past few days. I missed Michael, I had been helping Gaby talk to the police, and I’d been lacking sleep – it didn’t help that everyone at work was treating me strangely, including Danny.

I rolled my eyes. Wow, why don’t you grab a fucking crown, staff and royal purple fucking robe and sit on a thrown while you’re at it too, asshole! I wanted to scream, but I took a deep breath to keep my composure.

“Well tell me, Marcus, what would you have done in my situation? Did you really want me to leave a family of snotty and disgruntled jerks to come and consult you while you were in the middle of doing the books?”

He held up his hand, “Get out of my office, Jade. I don’t need your bullshit.”

I raised an eyebrow and glared at the round, balding bastard. “Marcus, again. I won’t tolerate the way you’re talking to me. And you had no right to insult me out there in front of those patrons and I demand an apology. I know you would have told me to do exactly what I did. You’re a hypocrite.”

“If you don’t like our policy here, Jade, you know exactly where the Goddamn door is.”

I folded my arms across my chest and glared at him. He stared me down. I wasn’t about to look away first, but his beady eyes bore right through mine and I felt as though I would start sobbing at any given moment. The prickles of hot tears began to jab at my eyes already. Though, not to be outdone, but to be incredibly idiotic, I snapped. “Well then you can stick your stupid job up your fucking ass.” I spat at him. “I’m out of here.”

And so I walked.

And as soon as I got to the car I began to freak out. I had rent to pay, bills to pay. This was one of the dumbest things I’d ever done. I couldn’t believe as I banged my head on the steering wheel in frustration, that I’d let Marcus get to me so badly. I didn’t know what on Earth I was going to do.

I sped off, making my way back to Michael’s apartment. I was still steaming mad, only with tears leaking unbridled from the corners of my eyes. I knew that I’d flown off the handle was because I was emotionally running on dry. I wasn’t used to this kind of thing – of having people needing me, wanting my company, running to me with their problems … I sighed.

Gaby was so dependant on me, she was telling me things and sharing things with me that quite frankly, I didn’t really know what to do with. Some of those things made me think less of her, but all in all, she needed me and I hadn’t been there for her before, and I wasn’t about to ever let that happen again.

She needed a lot of attention and affection from me. I didn’t mind at all, I wanted to be there for her, but I felt like she was ciphering me dry of energy. Michael too, and not even in a negative way. I just wasn’t used to being so overwhelmed by people depending on me. I had mixed feelings about it. It was a very nice change, but everything seemed to be happening so fast – and … I sighed again.

Who was I kidding? I had no fuckin’ clue how I felt. It was useless even trying to pinpoint it. Now though, it was about to paramount in to a nightmare since I’d just walked off the job. I didn’t really want to think about it. I just wanted to go back to Michael’s and sleep. Sleeping was my escapism, and all I wanted right then and there was to escape.

I hated myself for being so dramatic ‘cause I knew it could have been so much worse. Gaby may not have been okay. What if I didn’t have Michael? …I’d still be stuck working that job like it was the most important thing in my life. It’d just been proven to me, that I now clearly didn’t file it away as being quite as important as it was before.

Lord, just get me back to Michael’s house… His bed was amazing, I’d been sleeping like a baby every night since I’d arrived. I wondered how he would feel about doing an apartment trade. Ah yes, these things, the silly things, they were what I needed to concentrate more on…

**

Part of me felt guilty for eating food from his refrigerator; so I had done some grocery shopping of my own. I sat in the living room with a pint of chocolate ice cream, devouring it. I couldn’t go wrong with comfort food, and I wasn’t one to give too much of a shit about my weight – not like I’d be able to afford to eat for the next month coming anyway.

Oh god, why was I such a stubborn asshole? I wondered.

I had talked to Michael just two times since he was in London and I had no idea what he was up to, but I missed hearing his voice. I missed seeing his smile and man…I really wanted him to meet Mom. She’d been grilling me about my new boyfriend. Dad actually surprised me and didn’t tell her who he was. I guessed maybe I’d have to give her a fore warning, I didn’t want to startle her. Dad and I had spoken a little bit about it, and he was really happy for me. Just as I had expected, he really liked Michael.

Good.

I sure hoped Michael’s Mom liked me. As I said that, I gazed up to see a photo of Michael and his Mom on a small little table in the hallway as I took an empty bowl to the sink. Katherine looked really sweet and approachable. Michael was hugging her tight and they both had big smiles. I noticed something that made me raise an eyebrow. It was another frame that was face down. I thought for a moment that it might have fallen. I sat it back up to see that it was a photograph of his father and himself as a child. His face was strained in to a smile and I knew immediately it wasn’t genuine. Michael’s eyes told every emotion, even when he was a child. There was an unmistakable hint of fear there.

I really wondered kind of a monster could have made his very own child so ridiculously scared.

The photo made me feel sad, so I put it back face down as it was – I knew that Michael had done that on purpose.

**

I was out of there. London was ass boring, but I’d managed to make it through all the boring meetings without passing out. I managed to gain 2 pounds just from eating nothing but junk food and I went shopping at Harrods. It would have been more fun to take Jade with me, but oh well. There was always next time.

I was so excited to arrive back at LAX a day earlier than planned. I knew I would get home well after midnight, but it didn’t matter if Jade wasn’t awake, I’d just sleep in the guestroom and wake up early to talk to see her before she went off to work.

My house seemed so far away and the drive seemed like it was taking forever. Surprisingly, I was a lot more tired than I expected to be. I felt fatigued from the long flight that just seemed to go on forever.

I was dropped off at my apartment complex. I wheeled my luggage up to my apartment and let myself in quietly. I hoped that I wouldn’t scare Jade. My heart was pounding hard against my chest for that off chance she would still be awake. It was just after 2am. My eyes were heavy and so were my footsteps, but I wanted to just see her, if only to whisper in to her ear that I was home.

I felt a smile come to my lips as I climbed the stairs toward my bedroom anxiously. Things were so tidy, but her presence was noticeable. I could hear the TV going in my room and I quickened my pace, trying to stay quiet. I opened the door and poked my head in. I didn’t want to scare her if she was awake. She wasn’t. The TV was on and she was lying on her side, sleeping, facing the doorway.

I stepped in and put my bag down. I gazed at her for a few moments before making my way around to the opposite side of the bed. She slept in a loosely fit white tank top. The duvet was pulled up chest high and she slept with both of her hands prayer-like beneath her cheek. She looked beautiful, her lips forming a sweet little pout. I sat behind her on the edge of the bed and grazed the exterior of my hand along the warm skin of her upper arm.

“Jade…” I crooned, “I’m home…” I added. I hoped not to startle her, that she’d wake up with a jolt. I tried to sound as comforting as I could. She stirred a little at first until I called her name again. She opened her eyes and stared at me for a moment and looked around, frowning. I had to smile. I knew she had no idea what was going on.

“Michael…” She blinked hard, trying to adjust her eyesight.

“I’m home early.” I told her softly. She went to sit up, trying to gain her bearings again. “Don’t get up…I just wanted to let you know that I’m home…” I kissed her forehead and felt a great sense of pleasure having her in the same room as me.

“I want to…” She murmured. I could see a smile breaking out across her face. I couldn’t help but smile either. She sat up and surveyed me. I felt a bit self-conscious. I hadn’t even fixed my hair or put on any matching clothes, I thought as I looked down to the hideous multi-colored knit sweater that I was wearing.

I knew she was probably feeling self-conscious as well. She smoothed down her hair, but honestly – she just looked so beautiful the way she was. My heart must have been in my throat. I loved that she was sleeping in my bed, looking so beautiful – it was the greatest thing to have come home to.

I remembered all the time I’d been together with Brooke, and how little trust I’d had. I would have never in a million years invited her to come and stay in my house while I wasn’t there and use all of my private things – but with Jade, I didn’t even question it. I trusted her whole-heartedly.

“If I had of known you were coming home tonight, I wouldn’t have slept in here…” She sounded apologetic and looked a little embarrassed, but I just shook my head with a smile. “Don’t worry about it.”

I reached over and pulled the cord of the lamp on the side of my bed. She looked even more beautiful under the full light. There was a moment of awkwardness between us where we surveyed each other, as if trying to take in what we missed. I felt so much contentment. I didn’t want to hesitate any longer. I slid my arms around her and pulled her body in toward me. She was so warm. “I missed you…” I heard her murmur in a small voice. It felt so good to have her in my arms.

“I missed you most.” I replied, making no effort to pull away. I heard her chuckle but she also didn’t let go. I caressed her back with my hand and delighted by the physical intimacy that we seemed to share so early on. “How have you been?” I wondered out loud.

“So, so…” she answered. There was a beautiful honesty within her response that I respected. I hated it when girls tried to pretend that everything was fine when it wasn’t. “How about you?” She wanted to know, loosening her embrace around me so that we could see each other’s face.

“I’m fine, just glad to be home.” I smiled warmly. “Especially since you’re here.”

She smiled back at me, I could tell she was glad I was there too. I leaned in and gave her a soft and lingering kiss and pulled her in again to embrace her body. “Tell me more about how you are…” I suggested.

“Thanks Mike, but…we don’t need to be talking about it right now.” She shrugged it off. “Are you hungry or something? I made some quiche earlier and there’s plenty left over…”

I shook my head. No, I wasn’t hungry…I wanted to disrobe and lay down beside her, cuddle her close and go to sleep. “I’m tired.” I confessed.

“I’ll sleep in the guestroom.” She quickly went to get up, not wanting to put me out. I just laughed at her sudden burst of energy.

“Don’t be silly, Jade… I need to wind down for awhile anyway, I won’t be able to go straight to sleep for a bit…” I got up off the bed and went to take my shoes and socks off. “I’m gonna go get changed. I’ll be back.” 

When I returned Jade had pulled back the duvet on the other side of my bed. She was lying back down beneath the covers. She looked warm. “I’m sorry that I woke you up, sweetheart, I just wanted to let you know that I was home.” I apologized.

“I’m happy that you woke me up…why don’t you just sleep here tonight… beside me…” She suggested. I was surprised by her suggestion, but I didn’t want to show it. I knew that her offer was a strictly wholesome one, but I wouldn’t have wanted anything different myself.

“Are you sure?” I asked, “I don’t mind sleeping down the hall.” I replied, seeming as if I was indifferent about the whole thing. Boy, did I just wanna dive right under that duvet right then and there.

“Of course I’m sure… and anyway, this is your bed.” She reminded me, “If anyone should sleep down the hall it should be me.”

I didn’t answer her, but rather slid under the covers. She kissed me briefly on the lips and I did my best to keep myself physically calm. I made myself comfortable flat on my back, as I generally lay to stare at the ceiling. “Can we turn the light out?” She asked.

“Sure…” I smiled. She turned it off and rolled back on to her side, facing me. She draped her arm over my tummy and scooted in closer, resting her head on my shoulder. Man, I loved her. I really did. She was so sweet. I watched her close her eyes with a smile still gracing her pink lips.

“You look beautiful…” I murmured, running my forefingers along her cheek. Her smile turned in to a modest grin. I gave a laugh. We were both just so happy to be reunited again. “I just can’t get over the way you make me feel…” I confessed.

She opened her eyes and glanced at me. “My cheeks are burning, stop flattering me, Michael…” She giggled, covering her face with her hand. Her modesty charmed me even more. I knew despite her embarrassment, she loved it all really.

“I’ll compliment you as much as I damn well want.” I replied, nudging her gently with my shoulder. “Got it?”

She just laughed. She was just so friggin cute. I kissed her temple and smiled. “Do you want to know what ailment I suffered from this week?” I wondered.

“Oh no, what happened?” She asked, wiping the smile from her face, becoming concerned.

“I suffered the worst case of boredom ever.” I over exaggerated. “Can you believe they sent me to London for three meetings that I spoke maybe three words at? Talk about a waste of time and money.”

She thought for a second without responding…“Sounds…. Thrilling.” We both cracked up at her shitty joke. “Pun intended.” She added with a little giggle.

“What great things happened to you this week?” I asked. “I’m sure your life had to have been more interesting than mine.”

“I don’t have a job!” She said with a smile. A fake one. I knew immediately that it was just a mask for her true upset feelings. She had struggled so much with her job for the past week or so after everything that had happened, and she was trying so hard to keep her boss happy.

“What happened?” I wanted to know. “You quit?”

She relayed to me the story of what had happened with Marcus and how she’d let him have it by walking out. I was slightly impressed by her ability to stand up for herself, but I knew she couldn’t have been happy about it all.

“I’m really sorry he was such a dick… can you maybe file a complaint against him?” I wondered, my mind racing with ideas. I’m glad she’d given up pretending she was okay about it, like she had when she first brought the subject up. I could tell that she was upset.

She shrugged and shook her head, “Technically, I guess, I was in the wrong. It’s just infuriating because when he’s busy he always tells us to do whatever we think is right—especially me…” She vented, “And… I don’t ever want anyone to make me feel stupid like that, especially not in front of people who are already looking down their noses at me.” She frowned, “I have too much history with that and it’s not something I want to revisit.”

She didn’t need for me to go in to detail for me to understand. I caressed her upper arms. “You don’t deserve to be treated like that, honey.” I tried to think up a solution to her newfound unemployment, one that would allow her to have her job reinstated but I came up with nothing.

“You know, I only told him to stuff it because he was making me feel so…” She tried to articulate her feelings.

“Belittled?” I supplied.

She nodded, “Yeah… and inadequate, and I desperately wanted to have the upper hand so I just quit…” She raked her hands through her hair, “I don’t know… maybe it’s just time to move on… Things have been changing for the better lately, maybe this is something else that needs to change too.”

I gave a nod, “Maybe… sometimes things happen for a reason, maybe you’ll find a better job.” I tried to sound encouraging.

“I hope so… I wouldn’t have the faintest idea where to start looking though…” Her voice trailed off.

“Well don’t worry too much about it, if you need help with money or anything at all, you have me. I’m not going to let you starve.” I promised her. “I like you the weight you are…”

Jade sort of smiled. “I’d never take your money, Michael.”

“If you don’t find a job and your rent is due and you have no food in your cupboards, I don’t really see that you have a choice.” I told her matter-of-factly. “It’s not like you’d be bleeding me dry, babe.”

She laughed. “I don’t really have anything to worry about just yet. I’ll just take a few days to rest and begin to search for a job.”

“Good idea.” I replied, finding her hand resting on my stomach. I covered it with my own and laced my fingers with hers. “Did you ever think about finishing your degree at college?”

She shrugged. I remember each time I had pressed this issue with her when we began to be friends, her mood changed. I knew it was just from regret or even upset with what had happened that forced her to end her studies. “Sometimes… but it’s kind of like… when you eat something and then you get sick, and you never want to touch it again…” She explained. “Even if it wasn’t from that particular meal, you’re turned off forever.”

I kinda knew what she was getting at.

“And when I think of studying, especially those last few months—I just think of how bad everything had progressively gotten worse and how much I hated my life – again it’s something I’m not entirely sure I could revisit.”

I nodded. I understood but I thought it was such a shame. “But… don’t you think that it might be worth it. I can’t assume to know how badly that time was in your life, but you’re not in the time or space anymore. You’re really centered and you seem so much happier, even from the first few times we met… You could even just study at home, especially if you only have a few months left…”

I didn’t want to push it though, it was actually none of my business, but I definitely thought it was something that she should look in to. These days, college degrees meant everything. It was so hard to find a job without one.

“It’s just one of those things that I’m sure seems easier said than done. I’ve created a block road in front of the idea of college now…I feel like I’m too old.”

I laughed, “You’re twenty three, it’s not like you’re old. If you think about it in the grand scheme of things, you’re still a spring chicken, especially when you’re right at the end of your degree.” I paused, “I’m not pushing it though, at all. I just thought maybe it was something you could look at.”

“I know.” She smiled. She shifted closer to me and rested her head in the crook of my arm. I pulled her in closer to me. “I’ll figure something out.” She added. “Thank you.”

She tilted her head up to look into my eyes. I smiled back and kissed her gently.

“I’m gonna try to get some sleep now, baby…” She resigned herself of the conversation. I knew that it wasn’t anything I said, but the whole conversation was starting to make her think about things she didn’t necessarily want to. “Goodnight Michael…” She bid me softly.

“Goodnight beautiful.” I replied. “Sweet dreams…” I pulled the covers up to her shoulders, not wanting the cold night air to chill her. I embraced her warmly and closed my eyes. I knew that I would have no problems whatsoever getting to sleep.

For the next few weeks I spent little time at my own apartment and much more time at Michael’s. We shared a bed, we watched movies and spent every spare second that we could together. Gabrielle had been released from hospital and seemed a little happier. She moved back home with her Mother and Father and I’d visited her as much as I could.

I’d been searching for jobs but it seemed really difficult to find one that suited me. I guess I was looking for something cushy because I’d been spoiled so much in my last job. Michael tried his best to help me and even offered to find me a position within his management or his label, but I wanted to keep things as independent as possible for now. It was too early to start depending on him.

I’d been to a few job interviews but for some reason I couldn’t seem to relax and they all turned out to be such disasters. I tried to think of other ways I could search for work but to no avail.

I hung up the phone with a sigh and looked at the newspaper with the various jobs that I’d circled. I shook my head and sank down in to the couch. “Stupid…” I mumbled. The job that I’d looked at had been taken already.

I looked down at a piece of paper I had been writing some thoughts out on and I gave another sigh. I guess there was only one thing I could do and I didn’t really want to go to my father with it, but I knew it was the only way. I needed to swallow my pride, and not only that – my past, and do something that I didn’t want to do at all.

**

“You won’t regret it at all.” Michael grinned at me, giving me a hug. I couldn’t figure out why he was so happy. “I’m really proud of you…” He told me. I smiled back, a little dumbly. I was damn scared, but I knew that ultimately I was making the right decision.

“So are you going to study on campus or off campus?” He wondered, as we drove together back to his place from my apartment.

I shrugged gently, “I’m not sure. I just hope it’s not going to be some stupid amount of money to get back in to the course.” I replied with more reluctance than I wanted to show.

Michael glanced at me as we stopped at a set of traffic lights. He was nervous for other reasons, but he was playing it off for me, he had to be. This was the first time I was going to meet his Mother. As for me? Yup. I was nervous too. Actually, fuckin’ petrified if the truth be told.

What if Michael’s mother didn’t think I was good enough? What if she hated the idea of any girl with her most sensitive and sweetest son? He was about to say something relating to my plans at resuming my college education, but I cut him off. “Michael, what if your Mom hates me?” I threw it out there, I couldn’t handle keeping the thought to myself anymore.

His eyes searched mine and he shook his head before smiling. “There is no way she won’t like you, baby.” He promised me. “You’re so beautiful, sweet and honest, and my Mom will love that about you.” He resumed driving through the peak hour Los Angeles traffic.

I looked away a little modestly. “Michael, I really suck with conversation when I’m intimidated or self-conscious or something…” I confessed, beginning to feel a bit sick in the stomach.

“No kidding…” He laughed, “I remember our first encounter so well. Getting conversation from you was like pulling teeth.”

“I’m glad you found my insecurity so hilarious.” I rolled my eyes, slightly annoyed.

“It’s not that bad, Jade. My Mom isn’t about to interrogate you. She’ll probably want to tell you lots of embarrassing stories about me, she’ll want to overfeed you and will probably want to stuff lots of fatty foods down your throat while telling us about oh-so hilarious-“ He exaggerated, “conversations with her friends at their weekly bingo games.”

I had to laugh, Michael described old people so well. Not that his Mother was too old, but still. “If you listen and seem really interested, then you’ve won her over for life.”

“Okay… I’ll do my best.”

“Oh… there is something I should warn you about.” He said as though a thought had struck him. I anticipated the rest of his sentence. “My Mother is really conservative when it comes to relationships and even though we’re completely innocent – my Mom would never approve of us sleeping under the same roof.”

I laughed. “Understood. My Mom wouldn’t either, especially not when there’s no one else there besides you and me.”

“Okay so it’s our dirty little secret.” He laughed at the irony of his sentence. I smirked.

“Seriously, it’s gonna be fine. Don’t be scared. My Mom is real nice. I promise.”

“Okay.” I tried to relax, but I knew there was no point. I was nervous, and nothing was going to stop that until I was comfortable with his Mom, and God only knew if that was going to even happen.

**

My Mom had been at my house almost all day throwing together a roast meal for the three of us. We had considered inviting Jade’s Mom too, but it was already going to be hard enough for the three of us, so we figured we’d do that at a later date.

So far so good. Jade resumed her painfully shy and quiet exterior which I’d somehow guessed she would. I wanted Mom to get to know her the way I knew her though, but I remembered just how much I had to persevere to get to know the real Jade. It was gonna be okay, I hoped throughout the night she’d come out of her shell a little bit.

“You know…” my Mother began, looking from Jade to me, “I’ve been trying to figure out what’s changed about you all day and I think I’ve got it.”

Jade and I exchanged curious looks. I prayed for her not to say anything embarrassing. “You’ve put on at least 10lbs since the last time I saw you!” She exclaimed, “Your face is fuller.” Jade and I both laughed. We’d both agreed earlier that I had put on at least 5lbs since I’d met her. It was all because of our dirty pig-out sessions. It was fine though, I really needed to put on weight and everyone had always been telling me.

“You think so?” I asked, “I haven’t noticed.” I didn’t want her to think it was a big deal because I’d always been so pedantic about keeping my weight in check which always worried her.

We sat down in my formal dining room and Mom took charge in dishing out the food. It was true, I was a little more carefree about the amounts of food that I consumed. If I wanted seconds, I wasn’t afraid to eat seconds. If I wanted a huge scoop of pasta, I’d have it. If I gained too much weight, I’d just have to exercise it back off. It wasn’t like I was inhumanely unfit and needed to diet. I was underweight as it was.

“Would you like me to do it?” I asked her.

Mother waved her hand at me and laughed, “If I left it up to you to put food on to our plates we’d starve.”

She began with Jade’s plate. “Tell me what you’d like, dear…” She told my girlfriend expectantly.

Jade smiled politely. I knew she felt reduced to a child. My Mom always did this. She’d never let anyone get their own food, this way she could be sure they’d eat to her approval. “It all looks so good.” Jade murmured. It really did.

“Well, good. At least there’s two of us here who will eat properly tonight.” Mom went ahead and served her food.

“Mom, I eat just fine.” I replied to her smart remark.

She fixed my plate next and as always put herself last. For a few minutes all that could have been heard was the scraping of the knives and forks against the plates. I was starving and just the wafts of the roast chicken had given me stomach cramps. I could have done without the sweet potato and greens, but I ate them first just to appease her. It felt a little awkward, I could see Jade shoveling a mouthful of roast potato in to her mouth to excuse her from speaking.

She could have been making more of an effort and I couldn’t help but feel a bit disappointed in her. I hoped she would soon warm to my mother.

“So Jade, Michael tells me he met you during his stay at a hotel…” Mom turned to me, “The Beverly Hills Hotel, wasn’t it?”

I nodded, feeling a bit of a sinking sensation in my stomach. Jade’s face went flushed. She hated being jobless, and I didn’t blame her. “Yeah that’s right. She doesn’t work there anymore though.” I quickly added, “She’s going to finish her college degree.”

Mom smiled at Jade, “That’s wonderful, darling, what field are you studying?”

“Media and communications.” She replied with a bit of a shy smile. “Maybe I can keep them off Michael’s back.” She joked. Ahh, come on Jade, you can do this. It’s my Mother not just Bob from down the street. I coached her silently.

My mother gave a laugh, “If you can persuade them, darling, then you’d do us all a service.”

They engaged in small talk, but I started to realize that Jade was more nervous than I’d expected her to get. She excused herself for a moment to use the bathroom. It was just Mom and I alone. I was a little bit worried to know what she would think of Jade. My Mother was a bit hard to read when it came to people, since she tried to be nice to everyone regardless of what her personally feelings were, but I wanted her to really like Jade.

“Michael what have you told that poor child about me?” Mom asked me accusingly.

I laughed from surprise, “What?”

“She is so nervous, I can hardly get a word out of her!”

“Oh.” I shrugged, “We both wanted tonight to go perfectly, and she wants to make a perfect impression—she’s just self conscious and shy right now.”

Mom kind of smiled, “She’s very, very cute, Michael and she seems sweet.”

I smiled. “She is. Excuse me Mom, I’ll just go make sure everything is okay.”

**

I glared at myself in the mirror and tried to relax. Michael’s mother wasn’t scary, nasty, or rude and if anything she seemed very nice and very easy to get along with. But man… my own paranoia was having a field day. My palms were so sweaty and I was even shaking a little bit. Michael had told me that Katherine had so far hated every girl that he’d been with because she was the type of mother that felt as though no one was good enough for her son.

At least Katherine and I agreed on that. I still felt like Michael was too good for me. I still had the feeling of wanting out of the relationship now and then. The selfish part of me couldn’t let him go.

I heard a knock at the bathroom door. “Jade, are you in there?” Michael asked.

“Yeah, be right out.” I called politely. I turned the faucet on and fixed up my make up. I was scared that I might have sweated some of it off. I hadn’t though. I hoped it was about to get a lot better. I wasn't sure how much more of this parent meeting thing I could take.

I turned off the faucet and let myself out. Michael stood leaning up against the wall waiting for me. I thought for a second he might have needed to pee. “Are you okay?” He asked me, grabbing for my hand, pulling me back toward him. “What’s wrong?” His other hand caressed my cheek.

I looked away from his eyes and slightly craned my head so that my cheek sat comfortably in his palm. “I’m sorry this isn’t going like it’s supposed to. I dunno why but I’m so freaking nervous, and I feel stupid. I told you I was hopeless at conversation with people.”

Michael chuckled a little. “Sweetie, just relax. This is no big deal.”

“And look…” I pointed to my shirt. “I spilled.” The spot was tiny, but still noticeable.

He laughed, “I spilled too.” He pointed to his own cream sweater, “See?” He wasn’t lying. There were food spatters all over it. I laughed at him. He was such a slob, and he didn’t seem to care much.

“Seriously Jade… I promise this will be okay, but please relax. My Mom will really like you if she actually gets the chance to know anything about you that isn’t through me.”

I smiled a bit sheepishly. “I’m trying, Michael…” He enveloped me in to a warm cuddle and kissed the top of my head sweetly. “I know you are.”

**

Somehow we managed to get through dinner with idle chit-chat. I was resigning myself to the fact that Mom probably would have to get to know Jade slowly, and eventually she'd feel comfortable. "Jade, I bought something to show you!" My Mom surprised me by announcing. I wondered what she had brought. "Just a second. Why don't we move out to the living room." She suggested as I looked around at the incredible amount of leftovers on the table. We hadn't even cleared our plates yet.

I raised my eyebrow at Jade. She smiled. "Okay Mom." I agreed. "Let's go..."

"We should clear up first." Jade suggested, rising up from her chair.

"It'll still be here after, it's okay." I took her hand and pulled her in to the living room. I felt the colour draining from my face upon noticing Mom was holding my childhood photo album in her hands. She had a big smile on her face and I knew that the embarrassment was about to begin.

"Oh come on Mom, don't do it to me..." I begged her, "Please..."

Jade laughed, figuring out that my Mother was set to tell her all about my stupid childhood things.

"Michael, why don't you go and clear off the table while Jade and I talk." She suggested, smiling at me angelically.

"I'll clean up later." I replied, not wanting to leave them alone.

"Clean up now and you won't have to do it later." She commanded in a backhanded way that it sound like she was just handing out friendly advice. She did it all the time and it was a typical Mom thing to do. Man, I was so glad I wasn't still living at home with her. I couldn't get away with anything.

I forced a smile and left the room. I didn't really have a choice. I wasn't about to let her reduce me to a child in front of her, and I didn't have the kind of gall to ever back answer or contradict my Mom.

I cleaned up as fast as I could and strained to hear what they were talking about. It sounded like there was a lot of talking going on and finally I was able to relax a bit. I could tell it wasn't just my Mom too, because I heard Jade's genuine laughter. I supposed that even if they were laughing at my expense, it was sure better than nothing. I put all the leftovers back in to the refrigerator and cleared the dining room table. Admittedly it was a sloppy job, but oh well.

I was so anxious to have everything turn out so perfectly with Jade. I knew it was still early days, but dammit, I wanted things to get serious. We'd known each other for a few months already, weeks were passing by quickly. We hadn't had a single fight and were always so happy and pleased to be within each others company. I hoped that the rapport between us would never grow old or tire.

I headed back in to the living room and saw Mom and Jade sitting close to each other, sharing a large brown photo album on their laps. They both had huge smiles as Jade pointed to a photograph of me as a child. "He looks soooooo adorable! Look at his fuzzy little afro..." I winced as if I felt physical pain. I hated photographs of me. They were mostly all very embarrassing. Going from the transition of cute and cuddly child to teenage and adulthood had been really difficult and self-estranging for me. I had a fear that people would continue wishing that I'd never grown up. Hell, the bigger part of me wished I'd never grown up either. Although, having said that, in order to appreciate things that presented themselves in my life, I needed to be grown and mature.

"He looks so adult with all his brothers..." Jade murmured. That wasn't something I was surprised to hear. I used to always hear adults telling me that I was an adult inside a child. I guess time had reversed that dramatically, because now I felt like a child in an adult’s body some of the time.

"Michael was always very adult." Mom replied with a fond smile as she remembered back to my childhood. For a moment, I felt a faint smile cross my lips as I remained in the doorway, not wanting to interrupt. "He was always around the adults and his older brothers you know? He didn't really have too much of a chance to play much."

Jade grimaced and the smile disappeared. "That's a shame, isn't it? He seemed to miss out on a lot." She remarked, "But I suppose he perhaps was able to have other experiences that not every other child gets to." She added.

I nodded in agreement almost as if they could see me. Whenever I felt like I'd missed out on something, I reminded myself that I while I missed out on some things, I also gained a lot of others.

My Mother agreed with her. I knew that my missing out on a big chunk of my childhood was a problem to her, a regret even. I knew that if she had had it her way, then I would have had less time working and more time being a child -- but unfortunately my father had been the sole decision maker in my family. None of us really had a choice in anything. I didn't like to dwell on it though, it was just life. "Michael's father was very hard on them all." She explained. "But they worked hard and were thankful for it, especially Michael."

Jade smiled, and I knew the smile. It was forced. Jade and I hadn't talked too explicitly about my relationship, or lack-of with my father, but she knew from my remarks that I certainly didn't hold him close to my heart.

"See this teddy bear?" My Mom pointed to a photo on the next page and suddenly my face flushed. Please don't Mom, please... I begged silently. "This is Mr. Magoo..."

"Mom, don't...." I blurted out, quickly making a beeline for the album to cover the photo, "Come on.... please... leave me with some dignity!"

Both Jade and Mom began to laugh, "Don't be silly Michael, move your hand." My hand wasn't budging, "It's just a photo, and it's not like you still sleep with Mr. Magoo every single night, we've now restricted him to international tours."

I felt so mortified. Jade glanced at me and widened her eyes. "MOM!" I warned her, "Oh my God!" I let go of the album and smacked my forehead in frustration. "Why are you trying to humiliate me in front of my girlfriend?" I laughed out of disbelief. "Is nothing sacred?"

It was almost as if my mother was enjoying torturing me. "Don't be silly Michael, you've got nothing to be embarrassed about!" Jade was going red in the face trying not to burst out laughing and my face was burning red with embarrassment.

"Don't believe her!" I told Jade, "Anything! It's all lies! Mr. Magoo was thrown out a long time ago!"

Katherine and Jade laughed because it was so obvious I was lying. I sighed and sank down beside Jade, falling back against the soft cushions behind me. "Fine. Make fun of me, talk about me as if I'm not here, and I'm not a 25 yr old man with dignity in the peak of adulthood."

"Oh baby, save your drama." My Mother hushed me. Jade turned to face me and poked her tongue out at me. I had a feeling she was going to tease the crap out of me later. I poked her gently in the thigh with my finger, as if telling her to shut up. She swatted me with her hand, "Michael quit it. Your Mom is trying to show me pictures." She said loudly, as if I had instigated it.

"You're a trouble maker." I murmured mocking annoyance. I wasn't annoyed though, I was happy that Jade was actually talking to my Mom and vice versa. I knew Mom wouldn't have pulled out all the old stories and photos unless she really wanted to make the effort and really liked Jade.

"Michael, do you remember the time when...." Mother began to laugh and I felt my stomach sink again. She had just shown Jade a picture of me sitting on the toilet at about 4 and a half yrs old. "When you fell in to the potty?" She slapped Jade's leg, "Oh it was hilarious, Jade, his little arms and legs flailing around and he called for help!"

Jade began to laugh. I, on the other hand, wasn't really able to laugh with her. I had been about five years old and I had ran to use the toilet straight from the bath and I slipped. It might have seemed comical to think about it, but I remembered the humiliation that my father made me endure right after he had pulled me up by my arm, abusing me with filthy words for being so clumsy. I remembered how my arm had burned, he'd pulled me up with such force that I'm surprised my arm hadn't fallen out of the socket. Sometimes my Mother liked to pretend those moments didn't exist. Mostly because I think it hurt her to know that she'd let it go on. I faintly smiled and said nothing.

After a little more humiliation everyone realised it was getting late. Jade was spending the night, but Mom didn't know that. As far as she was concerned, I had to take her home, and I was okay with that. I'd had enough of the Motherly dosage for one night. I was really happy that it all ended well. Mom said goodbye to me and promised to call me the next day and she also told Jade that they'd have to catch up soon which made me smile. We all exchanged hugs and waved her off.

I needed to get up early the next morning, and so did Jade. I was dropping her off at her Father's house for breakfast. It was almost 10pm, which, I knew wasn't too late, but after we wound down properly it would be.

I wrapped my arms around Jade and engulfed her in to a warm hug. "Told you it'd be fine. You and Mom got on like a house on fire... while leaving me inside the burning building." I joked.

Jade laughed, "I'm sorry Michael...I hope I didn't upset you, I was just playing with you before."

"I know sweetheart." I kissed her temple, "That's fine... Mom just doesn't know when to stop sometimes, and it embarrasses the crap out of me."

"She's your Mom, Michael, it's every mother's job to embarrass the crap out of their kids at every opportunity that presents itself."

I sighed, "You're right..." We headed in to the kitchen to finish clearing everything a little better than I had on my own. "Wanna sleep in my room?" I asked her as I closed the front door. It was general fashion that she did, but I always asked, since I never wanted to assume.

"Are you sure you don't have to ask permission from Mr. Magoo first?" She cracked up at her own joke. I raised my eyebrow, showing her I wasn't very impressed. But really? I didn't care. It always just delighted me to hear the sound of her laughter.

"No. I do not have to ask Mr. Magoo's permission. In fact, he's quite supportive of the idea, thank you very much."

"Oh really?" Jade raised her own eyebrows. She always tried to do the one, but both of them always rose together across her smooth forehead and it made me laugh. "Well in that case, I suppose it might be for the best if I do. I wouldn't want to upset anyone."

I broke in to a smile. "Jadey, you're so cute... Love you..." She dropped her act immediately and returned the smile. "Love you too..."

We turned off all of the lights and went upstairs. I got Jade her own set of towels incase she needed to have a shower and let her get ready for bed. I changed in to my boxers and a wife beater and climbed in to bed and waited for her to finish. I saw Mr. Magoo sitting in the corner on an arm chair and went to get him. I was amused by the whole thing. It did seem really lame that I was still so damn attached to a childhood bear. He had odd eyes, since one had fallen off during his travels and Mom had sewn a new one on, and he had a nice scar up his belly from when my Dad had ripped it open when I was about 13. Again, Mom played surgeon there too. He'd lost an ear, and even at one point, Mom sewed an afro to his head. I laughed thinking of all the time I'd spent with the bear curled up in bed with him, probably looking like some freak of a man-child. I didn't care too much.

Jade came out of the bathroom looking fresh. She had removed her make up and tied her hair back. She was wearing a pair of green pajama pants and a tank top. She smiled at me, sitting up in my bed and glanced at the teddy bear. "Ohhhh Mr. Magoo, so pleased to meet you..." She smirked as she hopped in to bed. I twirled the bear around in my hands a little thoughtfully. "Mr. Magoo thinks you look real hot, pretty lady." I replied.

She laughed. "Mr. Magoo clearly has no taste." She took the bear from my hands as she settled back in to her pillows and studied him. "I can't believe you've kept him your entire life. I think that's amazing." She confessed, putting aside her silly taunts. "He's got so many love scars..." She pointed to his tummy, "Did he have surgery too?"

I giggled, "I guess you could say that. He was subjected to a vicious murderer who almost ruined him for life. But I rescued him."

"You're everyone's hero, aren't you?" She smoothed the bear's worn outfit down and handed him back to me.

"Not everyone's..." I replied, tossing the bear to the side of my bed and snuggling down in to the covers, waiting for her to turn off the light.

"Well you're my hero." She offered sweetly. I felt the air catch in the back of my throat and I tried not to grin like a goof. She stared in to my eyes, waiting for me to say something but I'd been rendered speechless by the vulnerability and sincerity of her tone. I felt honored whenever she was raw with me. Her green eyes studied my face, obviously anticipating some kind of reaction. I knew that I was particularly good at communicating, but even sometimes I had trouble being able to blurt out how I felt. I'd made all the first steps with Jade, but that really wasn't my style, usually. I'd had girls tell me they love me, and I'd never been really able to return the words -- but perhaps because I didn't want to say it if I didn't mean it. That wasn't ever an issue with Jade though.

"I'll try not to disappoint you..." I murmured softly. It was all I could really say. She smiled lightly at me and inched closer. It was a bit funny. I had a king size bed, and there was plenty of room between us at all times -- but Jade really liked to cuddle up to me, and she did it with such a skill that half the time, I didn't even notice that we were using only one half of the bed, usually mine. I welcomed her presence and while I knew that she was secure in my arms, I too, felt secure in hers. Sometimes it was a difficult if we'd been making out and things got a little carried away, I'd have to just control myself -- or get up and leave and calm down for few in the bathroom. I always hoped I was discreet enough for Jade to notice, but she wasn't stupid.

"I had a nice night, Michael, your Mom is really nice. I'm glad that I met her."

"I'm glad too that you liked her, cause I know she really liked you as well. I'm so relieved that it went okay -- even if you guys were making lots of unnecessary fun of me."

Jade giggled, "You know we meant no harm Michael, your Mom is obviously just so proud of you and loves you soooo much."

I couldn't help but smile. I knew it was the truth. My Mother treated me a whole lot different to my other brothers. She spent more time taking care of me, and probably babying me more than the others, but maybe it was because I wasn't the same kind of person that my brothers were. I guessed that was a good thing. "I know... I can't say I wasn't pleased when the torture was over though..."

"Yeah Mike, that was really smooth," She rolled her eyes and laughed and began to imitate what I'd done, "Ahhhh it's getting kinda late, Jade, I should get you home..."

We both started to laugh at the way I'd made my mother leave for the night. "Wouldn't it be so funny if she forgot something and came back to get it an hour or so later?"

"Hilarious." Jade shook her head, "She'd think I was some dirty little whore trying to corrupt her sweet baby son."

I laughed because it was true. My Mom thought I was the most innocent being on the face of the planet, and if I did something that she didn't approve of, she always blamed the other parties involved, nothing was ever my fault. "Probably." I inched closer and slipped my arm around her waist, "But she'd be very proud that her son has been exercising the utmost restraint at all times."

Jade smiled, "That's true. In fact, not even one sigh of disappointment when I've ended things too soon for your liking, not one curse word... you really are the perfect gentleman."

I smirked and kissed her softly on the mouth. "I just don't get it..." I shrugged, as I lay my head down closest to her pillow. Jade was flat on her back, while I was lying on my side with an arm over her tummy.

"What do you mean?" She wondered.

"Well... I mean..." I began thoughtfully, "If you're not interested in having sex with me, or going any further than us making out, for now, and if it's nothing to do with me--"

"Of course it isn't." She quickly defended me, "You're perfect, Michael, I promise."

I smiled, "I know... I'm saying that as long as your reasons for not wanting to have sex with me, are nothing related to me, then that's fine. What I don't really get is why some men would be angry with their girlfriends or even vice versa for not wanting to do it, you know?" I shrugged again and made eye contact, "Its pointless, it's the same as inviting a girl out to a James Brown concert when she'd prefer not to come, I wouldn't want to attend a concert with someone who wasn't at all interested in being there... do you get what I'm saying?"

We laughed at my pathetic attempt at a metaphor. "I understand completely Michael. I must have scored a jackpot with you though, because I don't know any other single man who thinks in that way." She paused, "But... wouldn't you be disappointed if you've went ahead and bought the tickets to the concert, thinking with all good intentions that the girl would want to come?"

I laughed, "That's why you'd ask before buying the tickets, or at least just opt for general seating, not everyone wants to actually meet the band. And see, you and I, Jade, we already had the tickets sorted before we went to the show. I was sure to get the general seating instead of VIP."

We both began to laugh at my stupid joke.

"Seriously, though..." Jade began after we calmed down. "It's not that I don't want to have sex with you at all..." She spoke very frankly. I was glad that she was able to feel comfortable enough to discuss things like that with me while we were lying beside each other in bed. It was brave and honest of her. I appreciated it.

"I know..." I understood, "We don't have to rush in to anything, I'm not ready to do that either."

"But I don't even necessarily want to wait til marriage with you... I just kind of place the intimacy of sex pretty high up there, you know? I mean... imagine if your boss paid you on the first day of work, why bother turning up for the rest of the week?" I smiled at the use of metaphors again. We were both so damn innocent, and this was clearly the only awkward way we could have these talks. But I didn't mind. She really had a point. I knew if a girl was willing to lay down with me on the first night and have sex, then I'd probably lose all respect for her.

"You're right." I agreed.

"Yeah and so... I kind of think of sex as a form of intimacy where ... I guess it's the physical sense of letting someone in, you know? You don't just ever walk up to a stranger and tell them your thoughts, feelings, insecurities, what ticks you, what makes you self-conscious, fear and turmoil in your heart-- and I guess with sex, that's exactly what you're doing... in a more literal and physical sense."

I was amazed that she'd put so much thought in to it, and it all made sense and I felt exactly the same way, just without the ability to ever really articulate it. My insecurities with my own body and my own lack of self confidence were probably the main things that restrained me from jumping in to anything too soon with a girl. Jade was different though, I didn't feel at all insecure around her. I often got a little shy or self conscious, but the better part of me knew that she wasn't ever thinking anything awful or judgmental about me. "Wow..." I murmured.

"I sound like a moron, don't I?" She blushed, "I know I probably make it all seem more of a thing than what it i-"

I cut her off by smiling and shaking my head. "Not at all. What you say makes perfect sense. Not everyone feels that way or respects their bodies like you do, but so what? This is how you wish to live your life, and I think it's beautiful and I agree with everything you said. I think of it all the same way. You put it perfectly."

"Well... I certainly don't look down on anyone else if they don't look at all the same way I do..." She paused and laughed, "well... I try not to, anyway."

I laughed too. "As long as we're on the same wavelength, and we're the only ones in this, no one else’s beliefs really matter, do they?" She shook her head. I did kind of wonder what the boundaries were. How far was too far and how much was too much?

"Can I ask something maybe a bit personal?" I wondered, "You don't have to answer..."

She nodded, giving me an expectant glance.

"How do you know where you want to draw the line? I mean... what's too far, exactly?" I shared my thoughts out-loud, "we both know sometimes it's hard to stop..."

She thought about it for a few moments and shrugged, "That’s kinda hard, huh?" She replied giving me a little smile. "I guess we just have to trust our intuition. If something is going perfectly and there's no reason for ending it on both our parts, then there's no reason why we can't go a little further, right? I mean, as long as we both act on it and stop if something isn't feeling right, regardless of how eager one or the other may seem?"

I thought that seemed very reasonable. I smiled. "I'm glad we can talk like this... sometimes it's awkward and hard but it's good to know where we stand, that way there's no reason to have misunderstandings."

Jade turned to her side and gave a sigh of contentment. "I love you... even if you still sleep with a teddy bear... actually I find it kind of sweet."

I groaned out of frustration, "I'm never gonna live it down, am I?"

She laughed and kissed me. "Not as long as I'm around."

I shook my head disapprovingly and smiled. "I'll find a way to get you back... I'll have a chat to your Dad."

"You do that." She yawned mid sentence. "I'm tired. Time for sleep."

"Wanna turn the light off, babe?" I asked gently before she got comfortable. She rolled over and turned it off at my request. She made herself comfortable once again as I took the opportunity to spoon her, wrapping my arms at her waist, as her body moulded against mine. I loved the intimacy of having her in my arms, it made it so easy for me to relax and feel comfortable. It made me feel wanted, needed and above all else, loved.

Chapter 22

I was enrolled back in college and hated it mostly. I hated not working, I hated going to lectures. I hated assignments, I hated essays and I hated meeting idiotic deadlines. One of my professors was a complete dickhead and was handing out text book readings like the book would expire by a certain date. My parents had been completely supportive, thank goodness. My Dad was helping me out with money while I was studying, it had always been part of our deal. He was happy for me to want to do well, which made him happy to support me while achieving my degree. This made me want to work extra hard.

I woke up to the feeling of Michael's lips wet against my neck. I smiled, my eyes remaining closed. I could smell the scent of his cocoa skin. I was still sleepy. "Five more minutes..." I muttered, trying to put off waking up. I hated mornings, especially when I had to go to a morning class. It generally went in one ear and out the other.

"Okay... five more minutes..." He agreed with a soft laugh. I knew he couldn't say no to me. I smiled with satisfaction and pulled the blanket up under my chin. He kissed me again, this time upon my lips and cheeks. I opened my eyes. It was so early. I knew that it had to have been around 6:30am. He ran his fingers through my hair and kissed me again. His face hovered over mine, his gentle eyes watching me with a small little adoring smile that I couldn't help but return, regardless of the ungodly hour in which he'd awoken me.

"I don't want to get up..." I pouted. I really didn't. I wanted to hug up against Michael and spend all morning sleeping in under the warm covers. "I want to skip class and stay in bed." I confessed.

He laughed. "Your parents would think I'm a horrible influence." He remarked.

Mom loved Michael. I had taken him to meet her a couple of days after I met Katherine. She adored him. He charmed her and had no problems talking to her. He wasn't shy at all, not even a little bit like he'd been with my Dad. I suppose that anyone would be shy after being walked in on, taking a leak. Dad liked Michael a lot too. It pleased me so much that they liked him. We all sat around and played scrabble together at Mom's place after dinner. It was sweet and cosy and I knew Michael had really enjoyed himself.

"Yeah right. My parents think you can walk on water." I joked, giving a sigh. I was seriously considering not going in to classes. I'd catch up through the week. "What are you doing today?" I wondered.

"Staying home with you, should you decide, independently I might add, without my opinion to stay home."

I laughed. "Are you really not busy?" I didn't want to keep him from his work. "If you are, you shouldn't take any time away."

He smiled. "I've worked for the past seven days and I was in New York the week before that, we've hardly spent any time together."

It was true, Michael had been so busy lately. I'd been studying pretty hard and the only time we had the chance to get any quality time together was when he got home late at night and we'd settle in bed together. It was a bit frustrating, but I understood his position. "We could lie here together, pig out, watch a movie, order a pizza..."

I grinned. "It sounds like a perfect idea." I had fallen so hard and so fast for Michael, sometimes it was hard for me to believe that only a few months earlier I was so cold and alone and wanted nothing from anyone. In fact, I was so harsh and abrupt with everyone around me that I could see with hindsight I could see why nobody liked me or wanted to be around me. There was a huge part of me that hated being one half of a couple. I was still fairly selfish and hard to get along with and so compromising and actually being happy with the result was difficult. Sometimes I felt no control over my life while I was with Michael. I had no control over my emotions, no control over the level of affection I kept reminding myself not to smother him with. I was used to being such a control freak, I was not used to trusting anyone with anything.

I had moments where my conscience would scream at me, What are you doing?? You're becoming everything that you hate! Get out of this now! Fear and panic would take over, but I knew it was stupid. In fact, whenever that occurred, I would explain it to Michael, and he would console me that everything between us was perfect, and if it wasn't we could talk about it and repair it-- a single argument or a fight, or even a wrong impression didn't ever have to mean the end of us. I'm glad he was so understanding, or else what we had would have ended before it even began.

So far, so good. No serious arguments or fights had occurred. I knew it would happen eventually. We were practically living together -- so much for taking things slowly. Despite the fact I was at his place all of the time, we weren't really seeing too much of each other. He was always busy. We tried to make plans to spend at least one full day together per week, and eat dinner together as often as possible, but unfortunately that wasn't all that often. I enjoyed bedtime and waking up, because we always got to have a little quality time together then, unless he was away.

Michael loved me. I was certain of that. He did sweet little things for me all of the time. While he was in New York he had left a pink hand-made oragami heart on the fridge with a sweet message that said, "I love you because you are so honest, caring, and warm-hearted." I took it off the fridge and kept it and as they days had progressed, I found more of them with other messages like, "You're so unique and special. I've never met anyone like you.", "I love you because you're beautiful.", "You have the prettiest eyes I've ever looked in to." He wasn't going to let me forget in how much he felt for me in a hurry. And I was okay with that.

When Michael had been in London he'd bought me back a beautiful crystal figure of London Bridge which I loved so much. When he was in New York, he bought me another, but this time it was of the Statue Of Liberty. They were so beautiful and so expensive looking. I treasured his gifts so much, whether they were home made or from a ridiculously priced boutique.

I tried my hand at leaving him a few little notes as well, but unfortunately I always felt as though my own feelings spoken out loud, or written down seemed insincere, even if I knew they weren't. Michael assured me that it wasn't the case. I was doing my best anyway, I was getting much better at showing my emotions and communicating my feelings.

I had Michael to thank for all of this.

**

We had absolutely no intentions of changing out of our pajamas. I pulled a pair of socks on and sailed my way to the living room right behind Michael sliding on the granite beneath our covered feet. "Who am I?" I asked with a stupid smile, sliding backwards toward the couch, as if I were moon walking.

"Oh wow, you're so talented, you must have learned from the master." He grinned cheekily, dropping a blanket on to the long four-seater couch. I laughed and tossed two pillows down on top of it.

"Breakfast?" He suggested. "Cornflakes? Cheerios? Toast? Chocolate?"

"I love the idea of chocolate, but I'm thinking we should be sensible and have some toast or something."

We got our breakfast ready and sat down on the couch. Michael even took his phone off of the hook so that we couldn't be disturbed, and he promised not to answer the door if someone turned up. "Do you want the TV on?" I asked him. Sometimes we ate breakfast together at the dining table, but other times we ate in front of the morning cartoons. We were such kids at heart.

"Nahh... let's just leave it off..." He replied. I liked that idea.

Michael had a bowl of cheerios with skim milk, while I ate toast with honey. We chewed quietly in silence. I was still quite sleepy, and I knew he was too. We were both so bleary eyed and looking like we hadn't slept. It was only 8am. We had difficulty going back to sleep so we ended up talking for awhile until we both decided we were hungry.

"Do you think Sarah will be mad at you?" I asked, referring to the way he'd left a message on her machine telling her to cancel his entire days schedule since something more important had come up.

He looked up from his obvious little daydream and nodded. "Yeah, she'll probably pop a vessel. Too bad. I won't have to hear about it, she has no way of reaching me."

I swallowed my slice of toast and put the plate down on the coffee table, watching him slurp up the odd cheerios that floated in his bowl. He finished up and settled back in to the couch. I thought of how much Sarah had been bugging out over Michael not always keeping work commitments since meeting me. I felt slightly bad about it, but I knew that it was important for him to have days off and enjoy his life, he worked far too hard in my opinion. I didn't want him to regret it later.

"So what do you want to do first?" He asked me.

"Well... I need to brush my teeth and have a shower because I'm sure I have morning breath and it's right to bathe regularly." I went to get up but he grabbed my hand and pulled me back down in to his lap.

"Does that mean I'm going to spend the rest of the day in my pajamas alone?" He pouted. I couldn't resist him, messy bed hair and all. I encircled my arms around his neck and smiled. "No babe, it just means I'm going to have a shower and put fresh pajamas and socks on."

He smiled, satisfied. I planted a soft kiss on his lips. "I'm so happy to spend today with you..." I added. "Thank you for taking the day off to hang out with me."

"Like wise, honey." He murmured, kissing me back. He let me get up and I headed in to the bathroom.

**

As I got out of the shower and dried myself off, I did something that I had avoided doing in years. I always shied my eyes away from looking at my body, from ever really studying it, from finding out what I liked about it, and what I didn't like. I hated looking at myself because I was always reminded of the emotional scarring that had turned literal. The last time I had dared to look directly at my reflection, I'd been overwhelmed with repulsion, wondering how on earth someone could ever love me. I hated my body, it seemed so hideous. I slowly drew my eyes up to the mirror and fixed them upon my naked body.

It suddenly didn't seem as bad as it had before. I had a nice olive complexion, my skin was almost entirely smooth, and my breasts round and firm, relaxed against my chest. All the things that I'd scrutinized once before, a few stretch marks, some cellulite here and there, were all things that were very natural on a woman's body. I wasn't perfect, and I knew Michael didn't expect me to be. I never dreamed that I would ever be able to tell anyone about the things that happened between Aaron and I, enough to explain the scars on my body. There was a fresh, long scar across my lower torso where they had removed my spleen after my car accident. So far I hadn't really had a lot of complications, but I had been informed that my immune system would be shot to pieces whenever I became ill, without it. I'd only been ill a few times, and it did take me a lot longer to recover than it had before, but as long as I did my best to stay healthy, I was okay.

There was another scar, more faint than the others on my chest, from the heart surgery that I'd had as a child. There were fresh scars at the right side of my body from where doctors had inserted drainage tubes for my collapsed lung, to make sure no air found it's way in. The other scar I had, began from my left shoulder, and ran down to the end of my shoulder blade, it was from a glass wound during the accident.

I felt so ashamed of them for so long, as if I'd done something so abhorrent to have deserved them, but I hadn't. Michael had helped me see that everything Aaron had inflicted upon me, was nothing to do with me. It wasn't my fault that he abused the power that I'd given him in our relationship. It wasn't my fault that he thought it was perfectly okay to hurt me. All these scars weren't just a reminder of the painful past that I was slowly leaving in the past, but it was also a reminder that I was a survivor -- that Aaron wasn't the end of my story. Perhaps for awhile I wanted him to be, and perhaps sometimes it might have seemed easier to resolve it as that -- but now I had Michael.

And Michael had scars too -- I gave him the credit he most certainly deserved. He would have never been so shallow as to hold any of these so-called imperfections against me.

I pulled on a pair of pink and grey flannel pajama pants, and slipped on a bra, my tank and the matching button down pajama top. I towel-dried my wet hair and combed it out and headed back downstairs.

**

I smiled at Michael sprawled out on the couch as I descended the stairs. He looked so comfortable. His hair was such a mess, his dry curls were mussed up all over the place. Sometimes I just wanted to pounce on him. He was so gorgeous. He glanced at me from the TV. "How was your shower?"

"Just fine." I replied, He pulled back the blanket and moved over, allowing me room to lay down beside him. "I'm still tired though." I confessed with a yawn. He pulled the blanket over us. "I hate the cold..." I murmured, warming my hands together. It was early days of winter and the mornings were absolutely freezing. My hands felt like ice. I smirked, and ran the exterior of my hand along Michael's prickly cheek. He needed to shave.

He flinched, "Damn... give me those..." He grabbed both of my hands and cupped them in his, rubbing them to keep them warm. I thanked him and kissed his cheek. I made him happy when I showed him affection, I could tell by the little smile that would adorn his lips.

"You should have turned the heat on in the bathroom, I don't want you to get sick." I loved that he was overprotective, sometimes over-bearingly so. It made me feel special.

"It was fine." I replied. Once he warmed up my hands, I wrapped my arm around his waist and rested my head on his shoulder. "Michael, I was thinking earlier... about the talk we had last night..."

The night before we had stayed up until well after midnight talking about the shitty relationship between him and his father. It had taken him a really long time to open up about it, but he was coming round. He told me a few little things though didn't really like to lament over it. "Yeah?" He asked, showing me a serious attentive face.

"The conversations we've had about your Dad... how come you never talk about it?" I wanted to know. "I mean... you made a big deal out of me opening up to you when we first started hanging out, and trusting you-- and I remember at one point, you even took the first step by telling me a little about what kinds of things your father would do -- but then it seems like you've just closed up..."

He avoided my eyes and stared toward the ceiling. He grimaced a little bit and sighed. "I don't know... I just kinda feel myself getting worked up talking about him. I told you a lot about him, already..."

I tried to understand, but I thought it was a bit hypocritical. "Well, what about your brothers and sisters -- you never mention them at all."

He laughed. "I've told you about Marlon and Jackie and my sisters..." He replied. I could feel the room growing tense. I didn't really want to upset him at all, it was just something that had struck me. "There's not really a lot to say about the rest..."

"No funny stories, interesting memories you'd like to share?" I asked with a smile, showing him that the conversation didn't have to turn intense if he didn't want it too. I didn't want to push him to talk about anything that he wasn't interested in talking about. I hovered above him, leaning my arms on his chest. He gave a faint smile and cupped my cheeks in the palms of his hands, caressing my face.

"Okay... this one will give you a bit of an insight as to why I want nothing to do with them..." He began. "When I was 21, I had a girlfriend, Matilda." He confessed. I thought that was a bit strange, he'd never brought up the name before. "Anyway, my brother's thought it was hightime I lost my virginity."

"What!" I exclaimed. "That's so stupid! Why would they do that to you?"

Again he smiled faintly and looked at me, and just shrugged his shoulders. "It's the kind of thing that they do." He replied. "Want me to go on or have you heard enough?"

"Go on...." I prompted him, feeling a little more troubled than I had expected already by only the beginning of his story.

"Okay. Matilda and I had been together for quite awhile-- and so my brother's and I were on tour. Jermaine told me he wanted to have a talk to me and so we went toward my suite, then before I knew it, he pushed me in and Tito locked the door behind me." I furrowed my brow, trying to figure out why they'd do that to him. "And you know...I thought they were just playing some kind of practical joke on me ... then these two girls came from my bedroom and they were wearing ...." He paused, trying to find the right words. He motioned to his chest, "these really... skimpy... bras and panties...."

My mouth dropped open, "Fuck off!" I exclaimed in complete and utter shock. "Are you shitting me?"

For a second Michael laughed and shook his head. "Seriously." He shrugged, "My brother's were at the other side of the door heckling me and stuff. I kinda backed up and tried to ask what was going on, cause it didn't sink in that they were prostitutes."

I was just speechless. It seemed so frigging ridiculous that someone would try to force someone that they loved in to something. I guess it could have been compared to rape, only it was his stupid brother's putting someone else up to it. I felt sickened by their behavior and so overcome with anger that someone could do that to their little brother... And especially Michael. He didn't deserve it.

"The prostitutes were trying to seduce me, and then kept asking me questions, like if I wanted them to fool around together..." He avoided my eyes again and made a face, looking briefly to the ceiling. "I dunno... I felt so--"

"Violated? Betrayed? Humiliated?" I supplied. Because, I actually physically felt those emotions for him as he was relaying the story.

He nodded, "Mostly humiliated." He sighed, "I told them to put on their clothes and kept asking for them to leave, but they kept trying to talk me in to it -- probably thinking they wouldn't get paid-- I ended up sitting on the edge of my bed with my hands over my face, I wanted to just burst in to tears, but I was trying to keep my pride." He explained. At that moment, I realised just how vulnerable Michael really was. He was such a gentle soul with an abundance of warmth in his heart and I longed to keep him away from any kind of harm at any cost.

"So what happened--"

"I just stayed non-responsive to them and then one of them called me a freak, and the other just grabbed her stuff and went." He shrugged. "That was just the kind of thing my brother's did."

"Yuck." I muttered, "Michael that's repulsive behavior. I would have acted the same way."  I was still wondering about Matilda. I wondered if he loved her. He did once tell me he'd never really been in love, but the way he spoke her name-- it didn't seem like it was nothing, and being with someone for a few months, that was more than nothing.

"I don't care-- it's over now. My brothers had their laughs."

"What about Matilda, what does she have to do with the story...you've never mentioned her before." I remarked, hoping to be a little more slick about how I approached the subject.

He seemed to be considering the rest of it, unsure if he wanted to bring it all back up. "She called when they tried to hook me up with the prostitutes and told her I was getting busy." He rolled his eyes, "Not that any of that matters much anymore."

"How long were you with her for?" I wondered.

"About 8 months." He replied. He was unusually short with his answers, like he didn't want to be crossing this subject at all, but that made it more like the thread that I felt the need to pull at. It may have been my insecurity, my lack of trust in males -- but I felt a sudden sense that he was keeping something from me and I didn't like it.

"Did you love her?" I asked bluntly.

His eyes found their way back to mine and I felt his arm around my waist, his hand caressing the back of my shoulder blade. "I guess so yeah... as much as I'd hate to admit it."

I didn't even have to ask why, he knew it would be my next question. "I guess that I should explain." He said with a bit of an ironic laugh. "Matilda was a really nice girl I met-- she seemed really normal. She had a regular life, she worked at Walmart, she was really sweet at first-- and we started dating and she seemed a little overwhelmed by me in the beginning." He paused and frowned, "I guess, in my industry, that should be normal, but it always kind of freaks me out when people are intimidated by me." He sighed. "So--" he paused again and looked at me, "This is a really boring story, Jade, we can talk about something else..." Oh no, I thought, I'm happy with this little ditty.

"I like this story." I replied.

"Fine, fine... So okay, I have this idiotic habit of wanting to show affection in materialistic forms--" He admitted, "I've gotten better at not doing it, because it just adds to the bewilderment of people getting used to dating someone famous like me..." He explained.

"Are you kidding? You haven't gotten better, you've spoiled me rotten!" I was thinking about the beautiful crystal figurines he'd bought me, and just trusting me to stay at his apartment all the time.

He chuckled, "Well, I bought Matilda this ridiculously expensive tennis bracelet on the second date.... and she turned out to be a psycho." He just blurted it out. "She would accuse me of cheating all the time, she always told me to buy her things, she began enjoying high-rolling."

I widened my eyes. "Really?"

"Yeah...I let her push me around a whole lot. She told me what to do, when to call, when to come, when to go. My family hated her, but I just thought that they didn't want to see me happy." he paused, "That may have been part of it, but... Mom was right about her." I caressed his hair as he spoke, not drawing my eyes away from his face. He mostly looked down, avoiding my gaze, but I knew it was out of busted pride. I hoped he knew that I would have never, ever treated him like that.

"She sounds like an idiot."

He chuckled again, "She probably was." He started wringing his fingers absently. "I guess I got played. For far too long... and then I took her to some industry party that she was bitching at me to go to-- I didn't want to go... Those things are just like some kind of excuse for apparently level-headed people to get wasted on coke and pills --"

I shook my head, I couldn't imagine Michael ever exposing me to a lifestyle like that. I had so much admiration for him that he was able to rise above that and resist all temptation. "That's nuts. Why did she want to go so badly?"

"She wanted to hook up with other celebrities, why else?" He asked me as if I should have known. I raised an eyebrow. "And so we got separated at some point during the party and as soon as the white powder came out, I knew we had to go. So I went looking for her, and found her kissing on some poor excuse of a musician. They were all over each other, and she'd just....powdered her own nose so to speak--"

"What! She cheated?" I asked incredulously, "And what? She was doing lines?" It seemed beyond me, I knew when it came to drugs I was amazingly sheltered. I had no idea what any of the terms were, I had no idea how to know if someone was on or off drugs unless it was Gaby, but that was cause I knew her so well -- but wow. Michael obviously was quite worldly when it came to that little underworld. I shouldn't have been surprised, I'm sure it was around him all of the time.

He just nodded, finally giving me eye contact again. "But who cares, you know? She wasn't the one... I thought she was, but I was wrong. It's my own fault. Later I found that I had a huge sum of money missing from a safe place that she knew about."

"You always tell me that what happened with Aaron wasn't my fault, and I believe you. I wouldn't believe it if it came from someone else, but I know how honest-to-God you are with me, Michael, and so believe me when I say, what happened with your ex wasn't your fault either." I told him in all seriousness. "If she broke your heart it wasn't because you did anything you weren't supposed to, she was just a shitty person. She took you for granted and realized how vulnerable you were." I continued, "And Michael, the level of warmth in your heart is immeasurable, and you should never change."

"You understand me, don't you?" He murmured in such a small, needy voice that reminded me so much of myself that I almost reeled back. I nodded and gave him a smile as I smoothed back the curls from his soft forehead.

"I'd never take you for granted like she did." I replied. "I promise. I appreciate everything you do for me." I said, as I kissed him softly on the lips. "Every little thing."

"I love you..." He told me as if he could never get sick of telling me. And trust me, I never got sick of hearing it.

Chapter 23

I was cutting up tomato for salad as Jade was grilling some chicken on the cooktop for our late lunch, early dinner. We decided around 2 o'clock in the afternoon that we should be making a concerted effort to eat something healthy. "Hey... I have an idea." I piped up spontaneously. I was feeling a bit of cabin fever, and desperately wanted to go out.

"What's that?" She asked over the hissing of the cooking chicken. She turned to look at me.

"Want to go to see a movie at the drive-in tonight?" I suggested. I didn't much like the cinema, at least at the drivin-in, we had our own privacy. She smiled, seeming to like the idea. "That sounds great."

And so we decided we were gonna go to the drive-in. We weren't even sure what was playing, but that didn't matter much. I loved our time spent together, even just hanging out there in the kitchen, cooking together, to me that was fun. I put all the salad in to the bowl as Jade had requested and poured some ranch dressing over it. It looked pretty darn good if I did say so, myself. "You know, this is the first salad that I've ever made on my own?" I informed her.

She giggled, "Well, well... aren't you getting to be a big boy." She patronised me. I rolled up the kitchen towel and flicked her across the backside with it. She jumped a mile, unsuspecting and yelped, grabbing her bottom.

I cracked up and coiled the towel, threatening to do it again. She picked up the kitchen knife that was beside the grill and brandished it jokingly. "Really?" She asked, "You wanna play that game?"

I dropped the kitchen-towel to the floor and held up my hands in surrender. "You win!" I quickly replied with a laugh.

Jade laughed and put the knife back down, and carried on with her cooking. "Get used to that." She joked. She placed the tongs down beside the cook top and hoisted herself on to the countertop while she waited. I stood by, watching the chicken sizzle. "Is there anything I can do?" I asked. She reached for my hand and pulled me over toward her. She looked really sweet with her pyjamas still, and her pulled back hair. It was a bit fuzzy from lying down all day, not that I could talk, my hair was all over the place -- but I didn't care. I felt comfortable enough with her not to bother going out of my way to impress. I think she felt the same -- I hoped she did.

She encircled her arms around me, as I took a step closer, resting my hands on her thighs. I adored being close to her. It wasn't even sexual, either. I just felt so content being in the same room, receiving hugs, showing her affection. We had talked a lot about my ex-girlfriend that I guess, took me awhile to admit that I had loved, but it was nothing like this. I knew Jade was the one. I had spent so long thinking that certain girls were the right girls, but none of them were a patch on Jade.

I absolutely whole-heartedly wanted to marry her.

"Why are you looking so serious?" She asked me, interrupting my thoughts. I shook my head, clearing the sounds of wedding bells out of my head.

"No reason." I lied with a little smile. I slided my arms around her waist, pulling her closer to the edge of the countertop. I let out a huge sigh and hugged her. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you about Matilda." I apologised. "I wanted to -- but..." I glanced at her.

She was still smiling. "Don't apologize, Michael."

"I'm just sorry because you were right. You were completely honest with me about what you went through with Aaron, and I shouldn't have kept anything from you. I feel like a hypocrite. It's just hard for me to admit I was so stupid and easy to manipulate."

"Honey, it's okay." Jade promised, smoothing my hair. "You're not a hypocrite."

"That's why I love you so much..." I confessed, "Because you don't care -- you don't treat me any different, you just take me completely as I am, no questions asked and you're not impressed by fame or money--" I felt so much for her, I couldn't even begin to describe. She quieted my words with a gentle kiss that made my lips tingle. I knew sometimes with Jade it was much easier for her to show me that she loved me, rather than tell me. She told me that she still felt a bit awkward to say it, afraid of being insincere, and I understood that. I didn't like to make a big deal of it, but when she did tell me, it meant a lot to me.

I wanted to keep kissing her, but sometimes I had to restrain myself completely because I knew I wouldn't want to stop. I didn't mind waiting, at all. I didn't know that I was ready to have a full-blown intimate relationship with her yet, but my body was always trying to convince me otherwise.

I guess I was old fashioned in the sense that I wanted a home maker. I wanted a stay-at-home wife, who was happy entertaining our children -- we would never need a nanny, because she'd insist on bringing up our kids, and spending time with them. I knew Jade probably had vastly different ideas, but I was willing to work with it.

Needless, to say though -- Jade standing in front of the oven, cooking -- well it was a bit of a turn on.

"Want to turn the grill off?" She asked me, once again interrupting my thoughts.

"Sure." I replied, turning off the cook top. I did as she asked, and went to get the cutlery from the cupboards and drawers. I set the table while she served up. I decided that we should make the effort to sit and have a proper meal together rather and slobbing in front of the couch as we had been for awhile. Jade seemed to appreciate this gesture.

We sat down across from each other and I let her serve her own salad before I got mine. "So...." I asked with a little smile, as she went to swallow her first bite of chicken and I settled back in to my chair. "Do you wanna get married?"

Her eyes widened and choked and sputtered for a second. I couldn't help but to laugh. "What?" She croaked, "What are you asking me?" She furrowed her eyebrow.

I stared at her for a few minutes with an amused smile. I could tell her mind was reeling. I didn't really care. I didn't expect her to even half say yes to me. She looked confused. "I asked you do you wanna marry me...."

"Why are you asking me that?" She fired a question at me.

I finally just laughed. "Cause I just wanna know.... I don't mean any time soon, and I'm not proposing, I just want to know if there's any interest in marrying me eventually."

"Oh..." She seemed relieved, or at least to relax. "Well... yeah, eventually of course." She smiled, "But why are you asking me, there's gotta be a reason?"

I shrugged, picking up my fork and stabbing a peice of tomato. "I'm just curious how committed you feel to me. If you're still at the, 'let's see how things go' part of our relationship, or if you feel settled with me, enough to discuss long-term stuff." I replied. I realised that maybe I had come across as pushy. "I hope that doesn't sound smothering, because either way is fine -- I'm just wondering..."

Jade smiled broadly at me and covered her hand over mine across the table. I opened my palm, and took her fingers. "Michael, I wouldn't be spending every night at your house, spending every inch of time that I have with you unless I expected our relationship to be headed somewhere. Isn't the fact that I'm sitting here in front of you with messy hair in my pyjamas enough of an indication that I'm very comfortable and relaxed around you?"

"It is." I replied. "But I just wanted to hear it, I don't like to assume anything."

"I know you don't... so my answer would be yes, yes I want to marry you -- but I don't know that we should be thinking about that right this second." She told me.

"That's fair." I agreed as I took the tomato from the fork and began to eat my dinner.

**

"That movie was hideous." I complained as Michael and I drove back his apartment.

"No way!" He argued, "it was great."

"It was about a giant piece of barf, chasing everyone around, Michael!" I rolled my eyes bluntly, "It was crap."

He laughed, "Well maybe I like the concept of people being chased by barf, it's fun." We had just been to see "The Blob." It was the crappiest movie I had ever seen in the entirety of my life, and that was saying a lot. "You just have no imagination. What if... one day I barf, and it jumps up and starts chasing you out of my house?"

I raised my eyebrow at his imbecilic quality. "You're an idiot." I replied simply with a laugh.

"I'm not an idiot, it's a perfectly plausible hypothetic." He responded, this time laughing at himself. He knew he was being silly and I knew that he was just trying to rile me up, and it kinda worked. I didn't know that it was humanly possible that someone could truly enjoy such a pile of shit. I suppose my nose was somewhat out of joint because all through the movie he had paid me very little attention and sat, staring wide-eyed at the screen, asking me to go and get him popcorn.

I guess it was kind of funny, he really was still very much a kid in a lot of aspects. Well, in all fairness, we both were.

**

I had just lay down in bed on my back and stared at the ceiling deep in thought while I waited for Jade to join me for bed. She was dressed in her winter pyjamas. It made me laugh, these days it was rare that we wore regular day clothes around each other. She lay down beside me and gave a yawn. I turned to her, propping myself up on my elbow. "You know, that movie was pretty shitty." I finally admitted, making her laugh.

"I told you." She replied, finally satisfied that I agreed.

I glanced downward to her first open button on her shirt and glided my finger softly along a light line along the base of her neck. "Is that a scar?" I asked curiously.

"Yeah...." Her voice trailed off. She swept my hand away, and covered it a little self consciously. "It’s from my accident." She explained. It wasn't a particularly bad scar, but still noticeable. I felt my heart sink a little bit, the same way it did whenever she spoke to me about Aaron and her accident. My heart was broken for her, I couldn't have ever fathomed what kind of mental and emotional pain she went through, even bearing that asshole a single thought.

"Do you have a lot of scars from it?" I wondered. I remembered the scar that I'd spied on the back of her shoulder once before we went out on a date. "I mean, from the accident."

"You want to see?"

I didn't know if she wanted me to say yes, or if I was supposed to say no. She didn't really wait for me to answer her. She sat up and pulled her pyjama top down on her left shoulder, turning her back to me. I saw a thick, fresh scar. My eyes widened a little, but I tried not to seem to shocked. "That was from a glass wound." She informed me. It didn't take away any of her beauty, it just made me admire her strength and courage all the more.

She turned back to me, and settled back down beside me. I didn't really know what to say. "Did I make you feel uncomfortable?" She asked, trying to read for a reaction.

I shook my head. "No of course not, baby." I consoled her, not wanting her to think for even a single second that I was put off. I touched her shoulder with my hand, "I just feel for everything that happened with you, that's all... Sometimes it's kind of hard to process that after all he put you through, you're here with me, able to move on and love again-- I think that's amazing."

Jade had a faint smile that quickly dissolved. I saw tears forming in her eyes and wondered if I'd said something wrong. It was only the third time that I had ever seen her cry in the months that we had been together. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bring it all up..." I quickly apologised, caressing her face.

She shook her head and scoffed at her tears. "I don't know why I'm tearing up, I'm just being silly-- it's nothing you said."

"Tell me...." I prompted her, knowing it was something more. "You can be honest with me..."

"I feel so stupid." She squirmed, "it's just... I tell myself every single day that these scars... they're just a reminder of what I've survived through."

I nodded, I saw it the same way. "That's right..."

"But...as much as I console myself of that, I'm scared that ..." She paused and closed her eyes trying to draw the strength to admit her fears to me. I felt so helpless and hopeless that all I could do was wait for her to share her feelings to me so that I could comfort her. "That you'll see me... and you'll be repulsed, or shocked--"

I shook my head, "No way, Jade... I love you." I said to her sincerely, "You know I love you, baby. I love you so much for you, for who you are. I already think you're beautiful. Nothing at all could turn me off you. Your scars, phyiscal, emotional, whatever -- they've built you and shaped you into the woman that I've fallen in love with." I kissed her softly. "I wouldn't change a single piece of you ever." I promised.

She looked up at me with her big green eyes, lined with water that was about to spill. I hugged her. "Okay? If that's what's holding you back then you put those fears aside, you don't have to worry about anything like that with me." I felt her arms around me, embracing me back with so much need. I kissed her lips.

"I love you too." She told me. We lay close together. I was happy to console her, happy to have her in my arms and happy that she was assured I wasn't at all superficial enough to give a shit about her scars. I kissed her a second time and closed my eyes, leaning over her. I went to pull away just as I felt her mouth parting slightly, to deepen it. I cupped her cheeks in my hands. I let my mouth close down over hers and let my tongue ease its way in to her mouth. Jade seemed to completely welcome it. She kissed me back just as eagerly. Unfortunately it wasn't really taking me all that long to find myself excited. I hated that, it always seemed to ruin a perfect moment. I did my best to ignore it as Jade's hands softly ran along my back. I enjoyed kissing her slow, it gave me more time to relish my lips against hers, and she enjoyed it too, she always let her lips linger over my skin.

I moved my kisses away from her lips, albeit, sloppily, to her cheeks, and then her earlobes. I heard her sigh and I knew that she was enjoying it. Quite frankly so was I, my growing erection was a steady indication. I left a wet trail down to her collarbone, where I had earlier ran my finger along her otherwise satiny skin. I wanted to go another step further, but I wasn't sure. Her fingers were running through my hair when I reached down to the hem of her pajama shirt and began undoing the buttons slowly.

She broke the kiss. I expected her to protest immediately and so I drew my hands away, getting ready to apologize. Instead she glanced at me, hovering above her.  "Do you want me to stop?" I asked, trying my best to make sure she was okay with everything. She shook her head. I got a little more comfortable and began to unbutton her top. With each button, more and more of her flesh became exposed and I felt the tank I was wearing grow heated against my skin. I felt my hands grow a little shaky, it would be for me, the first time that I would have this intimate of an experience and I was a little bit nervous, but I definitely didn't want to stop.

I looked at Jade again, but her eyes were closed as if she was waiting for my reaction with anticipation. My eyes traveled from her tummy up slowly, all her scars, exposed. I was a little shocked. I never expected there to be as many, or as deep as they were -- but I didn't find them unattractive, just as I'd promised her. I swallowed hard as I ran my thumb over her largest scar, letting my eyes travel up to her breasts. I pulled my own shirt off and leaned back down over her, running my hands along the sides of her flat torso, feeling her chest against mine. I kissed her lips passionately, with a little more force. I felt her finger nails behind my neck increasing my arousal. I shortened each kiss, and I let one of my hands completely cover over her breast. She felt so good, my head was spinning with pleasure. I heard Jade moan quietly in my ear as I thumbed at her nipple.

Her breathing got a little heavier as I let my kisses travel down her neck, toward her chest. "I love you." I told her between kisses. There was no point in hiding my erection anymore. I was stifled and I was growing insanely uncomfortable. I kissed between her breasts, before finally making my way to one. I heard her breathe my name. I let my hand glide down slowly toward the waist band of her pants. I pulled gently at the draw string and loosened them. I could feel her tummy tightening under my touch. Her chest was rising and falling, faster as I moved further down south. She lifted my chin to kiss my lips again as my hand crept down underneath the fabric of her pants. She drew her thighs up almost tensing up completely, but she quickly relaxed. I caressed the inside of her thigh, feeling her warm, smooth flesh.

She breathed against my ear and kissed me harder. I was so painfully inexperienced and I was more than just a little nervous that I wouldn't know what to do, but I hoped that there wasn't too much to it, that it would come naturally. I went for it. I stroked her softly and felt her hips move, to try to get closer to my hand. I did my best to continue to kiss her, but it was hard to keep my mind on the job at the same time. I had a million things running through my head. I was about to take her silence as consent to further things along, but she very casually lifted my hand away from her thigh area. I was surprised, but my head was too busy spinning with lust. I didn't want to take anymore initiative, I wasn't entirely sure if she was okay with any of it and I felt a little bad for letting myself get carried away.

I almost jumped a mile when she cupped her hand over the groin of my boxers. She pushed my shoulder down, so that I was lying on my back. I was so taken by her. She was breathing heavily as she leaned down to kiss me while one of her hands gripped me. I knew it was wrong, but part of me kept wondering if she'd done this before for her ex-boyfriend. She knew exactly how much pressure to use, not too much, not too little. It hurt so good. I throbbed and ached and writhed a little beneath her. She broke the kiss. "You love me?" She wanted to know.

"I do..." I whispered. "I love you Jade." I replied in the most shaky voice as I guided her head back down to meet my lips. She broke off the kiss again shortly after. "Me too." She added. I didn't expect it, but I felt my boxers being wriggled off. I was perfectly okay with that.

I could feel myself building up. She had kissed her way down my chest and before I knew it she covered her mouth over me. Well. I didn't really know what to do with myself. Her mouth was warm and velvety, taking me in as far as she could. I groaned loudly, feeling ready to just immediately lose my composure. I opened my eyes a little, and watched her. I could feel the warmth of her tongue flicking against me. She gripped me at the base and cupped her free hand beneath me. I threw my head back in lust and moaned again. I was about to blow. Everything around me was blurry, I was dizzy with pleasure and was trying to hold it for as long as I could, I didn't want to disappoint her, but it was just too hard.

I reached for her head, "Jade..." I murmured. She lifted her eyes to look at me. My breathing was so ragged that I could barely speak. "I need to..." my voice trailed off as I watched run her tongue along my length. I felt my body shuddering.

Oh man, as if I wasn't already turned on. That was enough for me. I felt her squeezing beneath me and it sent me over the edge. She took me into her mouth. I was surprised she had wanted to. I relaxed down on to my bed, feeling as though I'd just been running. I was trying to catch my breath, waiting for the dizziness to disperse. Jade joined me, a little smile filling her lips.

**

The little beads of sweat that had formed upon his forehead made me smile. His eyes were tightly closed as he breathed, trying to get air and I knew that he had to have been satisfied. I felt pleased with myself that I had been the sole cause of his pleasure. Now that we had both calmed down a little, I felt like I should have been scrambling for my shirt. I felt so open and bare and vulnerable. I guess there was an air of awkwardness between us right then, because neither of us knew what the other should say. Was I to tell him again that I loved him? Eh, I thought that kinda stuff cheapened the experience and was probably the most cheesy thing to say.

Michael opened his eyes and gave me a cheeky smile. I looked around for my pajama top, but I guessed it was on the floor.

"What are you looking for?" He wondered, watching me.

"My top." I replied with a frown. Yes, I was shy. No, I wouldn't really have been all that comfortable with him staring. I pulled the covers up over us. He didn't say anything or really make an effort to help me. I could imagine why.

"Baby, come here..." Michael patted the pillow closest to him. I gave up my fruitless search and did as he had asked. His skin was heated. He pulled the duvet up over us and cuddled me close. There was still that air of awkwardness where neither of us really knew how to address what had just happened. So... how about that oral, huh? I thought of bursting out with. I knew it would make him laugh, but I didn't really want to cheapen our first experience together.

"Can I ask you something that I'm scared of asking and don't mean offensively?" He piped up.

His question repeated itself in my head as I processed it. "Okay..." I replied a little warily. I felt his hand stroking my tummy. His finger running along my scar. It distracted me a little.

"Well...you were so good--" He paused, I guess he was trying to find the words to make it sound less sleazy. "And I just wanted to know if it was your first time."

A smile spread across my lips again and I felt a little triumphant that he was so honest and that clearly he liked it. "Michael..." I started, kissing him softly on the lips. "I find that to be such an intimate thing, I wouldn't just do it to anyone. So yes, you were the first." I smiled a little more broadly, "was I the first to do that to you?"

He chuckled. "Yes."

I thought of how I'd pushed his hands away when he was so close to touching me so intimately. Sure, performing oral was pretty intimate, but it was about his body, not so much about mine. I knew he wasn't about to hurt me, but there was still a lot of hesitance to let him get so close to me in that way. I knew he would be okay with it though, he was an understanding man and that's why I loved him.

"Good." I liked that I was the first one to have my mouth on him, to touch him there and have him experience it for the first time with me. Together we'd discovered something new and exciting and intimate, a show of how much I loved him.

"I feel bad that you got nothing out of this..." His voice trailed off.

I gave a light laugh, "Yes I did... it satisfies me to know that you're satisfied." I answered. It was such a lame response but it had blurted out of my mouth before I'd even had a chance to think something better up.

"Don't be silly." He contradicted me. "I like things equal." He paused and smiled, "Actually-- I like them a little more than equal. I kinda like things...you know--" He tried to explain, "where I should be the one in charge, taking care of you-- because I'm your man."

I thought he was so adorable. It was no secret to me that he would have loved me to be some helpless, stepford wife that churned out the children while he was away working, waiting for the next set of pitter-pattering footsteps. He would have adored to come home to five little babies all running at him, basking in his attention and affection. He wanted to be the good husband, the sole provider, decision-maker and the one who his perfect wife would open her heart up and gown up to of a night. It made me laugh. His skewed perception of that could only have come from one person -- his father.

"Don't be silly Michael." I replied with a shrug. "I don't want things to ever be like that between us. You're not really in charge of me. Just because you're my man doesn't mean you should miss out on the fun."

"It doesn't mean you should, either." He replied, shutting me down. "Is there anything... you'd like me to do?" He asked, making me laugh again.

"I want you to spank me, Michael. I'll roll over, and pretend I've been really naughty and you spank me okay?" I bit my lip to keep from laughing at his wide-eyed, what the fuck expression.

"Um... okay?" He agreed very stand-offishly.

I laughed, "Baby, I'm just kidding. I don't want you to do anything like that. I'm fine, okay? And if the truth be told, I made you stop with me because I'm still a little bit nervous when it comes to my body and as much as you tell me I don't need to be, it's something I've got to just ease in to."

He relaxed and kissed my forehead. "Okay sweetie." He replied good-naturedly, "Thank you for telling me, I understand." He kissed my lips. His warm hand crept up my bare chest, covering one of my breasts. "But you know..." He began again as he caressed me, "you're beautiful and it's not just me saying it cause I'm your boyfriend and I have to. I really mean it. I think you're beautiful."

I felt goosebumps rising on to my skin with his kind compliment. I knew he meant it because I could always hear the conviction in his tone when he said things like that, but it didn't stop me from strongly disagreeing.

I needed to steer away from the subject, I didn't really want to talk about it anymore. "How many kids do you want?" I asked randomly. I knew he'd been thrown off by the question. He didn't expect it, actually neither did I.

He gave a little shrug, I knew he was trying to be modest. I knew he'd want some stupid amount. It's just the kinda family man he wanted to be. "I don't know..."

"Of course you know, don't pretend you haven't had this mapped out since childhood." I enjoyed poking good fun at him.

"Okay." He giggled, "Maybe four or five."

"Or twelve?" I supplied with another laugh.

"No...that'd be nuts." I was glad he said that, because I agreed. In my opinion four or five was probably two or three too many, but maybe that would change.

"You know I was thinking Jade, and this whole keeping you a secret thing is getting kind of hard." He began, "And so I've been thinking for a little while now -- that in summer, after you're done with your degree, we could maybe not be so secret about it -- like, rather than keeping you right away from my office, and when I go to places it'd be nice to have you with me without having to stand meters apart so that people think you're just part of the entourage."

I smiled with honour. He wanted to parade me off to the world. I was okay with that. He observed me to gauge my reaction. "It sounds like it would make things so much easier for us."

He shrugged, "Yes and no. I mean, I'd want to talk it over with your parents as well, cause Jade, you're a normal girl." He reminded me, "You're not from my industry so the media would go nuts with it for a little while and maybe try to dig up something about you or your family, but I guess eventually they're going to find out about us, and it's better to be onguard about it, than it is to be off."

I had never considered the idea of the media being interested in my family, but when I thought about it -- it had happened to partners of other celebrities. In fact, I had read about them before. I knew it was very possible. There wasn't really a lot of family secrets though. I knew we would be safe there. I thought it was really considerate that Michael had thought of speaking to my parents about it before we did anything silly. "I agree. We'll talk about it more leading up."

Chapter 24.

"That will be so nice for you!" I told Michael in to the phone, "it's been so long since you've seen them." I paused, trying not to seem too dejected, "But if that's the case, I might go home and hang out with my parents then if you have plans." I smiled. He sounded really excited. I was extremely swamped with homework and was stressing a little bit over an essay, but I was so happy to get Michael's call.

"No way!" Michael contradicted me, "They've invited you as well, silly. It's nothing formal." I was flattered to have been invited. I smiled, "Of course only if you want to." He added, making sure he wasn't dragging me along to something I had no interest in.

I remembered holding Baby Isabella in my arms and imagining how good looking her parents must have been. Social situations were still extremely hard for me, just because I was with Michael, not a lot in that aspect had changed, but I wanted it to change. In order to do that though, I had to make the effort. "Sure baby. I'd love to come." I replied as I felt my stomach knotting up.

"Great. I'm going to try to finish early, so what if I drop past home and pick you up at about 6, can you be ready?" He asked me sweetly. There was nothing wrong with my arms or legs, I could have easily met him there, but I did want him to come home and pick me up. I wanted to make sure he wasn't wearing the same old hideous red knit sweater, and stone-wash jeans. I wanted him to embrace the fact that there was nothing at all attractive about stone-wash jeans.

"Sure." I replied. It was four o'clock in the afternoon. I remembered my essay and knew that I shouldn't have been going anywhere, but I couldn't say no and besides -- I deserved a break. I had been working so hard and so had Michael. We had hardly spent any time at all together in the past few weeks.

"Okay sweetheart. I'm really sorry but I have to run. I have a meeting in about five minutes with my company and I'm not liking the sounds of it." He admitted, "I have a feeling they're going to try to put me on a big tour." He had expressed to me many times how much he disliked touring and how he was going to hate it much more since he'd have me back at home waiting with baited breath for his return. I knew though, that he would never admit it to me, but there was a huge part of him that loved it. He loved his fans so much, actually. He was always talking about fan encounters and meeting them and the types of wonderful things that they did for him. I liked hearing about it too, it was interesting, it was certainly nothing I would ever experience.

I went back to my work and tried to concentrate, but I was a little nervous and anxious as to how the night was going to go. I wondered how Michael would present me to his friends; as a friend? A girlfriend? I knew he wasn't very much in to public displays of affection, so I didn't expect him to be all over me in front of his friends like he was when it was just the two of us -- but I just hoped that his friends would like me.

**

Michael rang the intercom for me to come downstairs. He was a little bit late, but I'm sure if his friends knew him well enough they would have expected nothing less of him. I took the steps two by two until I met him at the gate. I was a little out of breath but I relaxed the moment I saw him. I was suitably impressed. He was wearing a white button down shirt and a pair of ironed black-slacks with a shiny patent leather belt. He took my breath away. He even shower-fresh and his grin showed he was ready for a fun evening.

"Wow!" I gave him the once, twice and three times over. "You look hot." I complimented him as I kissed him hello.

He chuckled as his eyes wandered over me. "But you look beautiful, so you win." I gave him a warm hug before he slipped his hand in to mine. "Come on, lets get going, we're gonna be late."

**

The ice breakers were always the worst part. I hated them. There was the air of awkwardness that surrounded first impressions. I was usually very quiet and I too would make my judgement within those few minutes. I wanted to like Kendra and Dave, as Michael had spent the past thirty minute drive talking them up. It was also very obvoius that he was smitten by their daughter, Isabella. I remembered that I had witnessed his affection toward her myself back when I had first met him. That had been over six months ago and it had been at least a month since Michael had seen his God Daughter. I wondered if she was still that sweet bundle of joy that I had held in my arms.

Kendra had long raven black curls and a smile that could have stolen any mans heart. Her dark complexion seemed absolutely flawless. She was possibly the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen and boy oh boy did I feel ugly. David was a good looking man too -- I mean, he was certainly no Michael, but he was certainly very easy on my eyes. They made me feel very welcome and were both very, very friendly which put me to ease a little. Michael laced his fingers through mine as they showed us to their live room. We took our shoes off and walked in on to the soft cream carpet. Michael spotted Isabella lying in the middle of the carpet on a blanket playing with toys. He broke in to a huge grin.

"Look who's here, baby!" David announced to his little girl. Man, she had grown. She still looked tiny, but she was much more alert and independant than the last time I had seen her. Isabella looked up from her Grover toy and grinned at Michael. He scooped her up and smothered her in kisses.

I watched with a big smile, my heart filling with warmth as I witnessed the happiness that emitted from him whenever he saw his God Daughter. "Look at you!" He remarked, "You're getting bigger every day." He kissed her baby cheeks while she looked up at him curiously.

"Isn't he sweet?" Kendra asked me. I nodded silently with a smile feeling butterflies in my tummy.

"Your daughter is so beautiful." I complimented them both. In return they beamed proudly and thanked me.

**

Dinner was great. Kendra had cooked up a storm and I could tell that Michael was thoroughly enjoying himself. David had a really good sense of humour and he and Michael were deep in conversation. I hadn't really ever seen him interact comfortably with anyone besides me without any air of effort. Of course he was comfortable with his Mother and pretty comfortable with both of my parents, but there was always that bit of plastic that enshrouded where he would be careful with his words -- but not with David, he was at complete ease. I knew that these people were his very best friends.

He was very attentive to me all through our meal. He was the perfect gentleman, he pulled out my chair for me, waited for me to begin eating before he did. I didn't expect him to be too showy with me. I didn't expect him to kiss me in front of them, not even on the cheek, or even really hold my hand or call me pet names, but he did.

"Baby, would you like more salad?" Michael asked me before he was about to scoop out more on to his own plate.

"No thank you. I'm doing just fine." I replied, letting him catch my eye so he knew I wasn't just speaking about my food. I wanted him to know that I was comfortable with his friends. My nerves were basically drying out and they were both very easy to talk to. We exchanged a little smile before turning back to our respective plates.

"So we're still itching to know how you met..." David piped up, glancing from Michael then to me, waiting for one of us to speak up. Michael glanced at me beside him, as if awaiting for me to tell. I felt myself blushing, remembering how I had been pretty rude to him the first few encounters.

"Go on." Michael nudged me with his elbow with a shy little smile, "You do the honour."

I gave a nervous laugh as both Kendra and David turned their attention to me. "I used to work at The Beverly Hills Hotel." I began, "And I was to take room service to Michael's room and refer to him as Mr. Pan or something ridiculous..." I laughed again because I remembered how utterly stupid I felt referring to him as Peter Pan and how he had insisted upon it at first.

Both David and Kendra laughed. "Oooh...." She suddenly had a brain wave, "We visited you there, didn't we Michael? Was that when your apartment was being stripped and renovated?"

"Yeah! You told us you were dating someone then, was that Jade?"

I raised an eyebrow and glanced at my beautiful, shy and embarrassed man. He finally broke in to a grin. "Yeah, but I wasn't sure about anything yet, I just had my eye on you!" He laughed, "And man, I even wrote you some creepy stalker letter."

Suddenly it dawned on me. I widened my eyes in shock, remembering a note that had been left for me by a hotel patron that I had thrown away after being completely creeped out. I burst out laughing, "Are you serious? You wrote me that?"

David and Kendra both laughed along with us. Michael hung his neck with mock guilt. "I did."

"Oh man, the message about coming across a lot of women and that you were drawn to me and you had been watching me? God Michael, you're lucky I didn't call the police!" I couldn't help but jibe him. He took it with good nature and laughed.

"Wow, dude, you're as subtle as a head-butt." David remarked.

I thought it was actually kind of sweet in hindsight that he had gone to so much effort to try to get my attention, although it did make me feel like a bitch for the way I had treated him.

"Yeah, but it didn't matter, cause it took a good a lot of harrassment to get Jade to even look twice at me." He explained. "And I think that impressed me just as much as everything else about her."

Kendra smiled, while I could feel my face burning red with embarrassment. "He didn't harrass me so much as he would find ways to call me to his room. Then when I finally gave him my number if for no other reason but to get him to leave me alone, he left me messages all the time."

"And you still didn't go to the press, well done." David joked. We all laughed.

"So how long have you been together for?"

I drew a blank. I wasn't the type of girl that kept count of days, weeks, months and made sure we celebrated the anniversary of our first date, kiss, conversation and all that silly shit. If I had a rough guess, it would have been about five months. Putting it into perspective made it seem like we'd been together for so long, but really it seemed like just weeks ago I had began staying at his house while he was overseas.

I guess the days and weeks ran in to each other and sometimes there had been awhile where he'd been traveling and we'd have to go up to two or three weeks without seeing each other. I hated those times the most. During those months I second guessed myself constantly and spent too much time thinking about what Michael could be up to, about all the beautiful fans that were probably waiting below, willing to give it up to him if only he would ask. I tried to spend a lot of time with my parents and Gaby, who by the way, still didn't know anything about Michael, except that I had a boyfriend.

"Six months next week if we're counting from our first real date." He supplied. What day, I wondered... I hope he didn't have any problems with me asking. I was a shitty girlfriend.

I smiled at him as he covered my hand with his on the table. I laced my fingers through his and let him stroke the inside of my hand with his thumb. I really loved him more than I even ever wanted to let on. He was constantly taking my breath away with his smile, his concern, his kindness, his embrace, the smell of his body and even with the gentleness that he covered me with. I was so amazed that he was never pushy or impatient with me when it came to sex in any degree. I didn't know of any single guy that would ever have been so patient with me.

"Wow. And you kept it from us for so long." Kendra remarked. "David and I are really happy for you both though." She smiled.

I decided I really liked them both. They seemed so kind-hearted and it was obvious that they cared so much for Michael.

**

After dinner I helped Kendra in the kitchen, I insisted on helping with the dishes and then preparing desert. It was a little awkward at first, but I slowly relaxed when we began talking about work and school. She was a stay at home Mom, but she was also studying to become a kindergarten teacher. I told her how I had gone back to school to finish my degree and she seemed to be quite interesting.

"You know..." She piped up after wiping the countertop down. "I hope this isn't awkward of me, but I'm glad Michael has found someone real." I took it as a compliment. "I hated it when he was with Brooke. I know Michael was fond of her, but she was just enjoying the publicity you know? And I've never ever seen him like this with any other girl, not even Matilda."

I rose my eyebrow. "Thanks Kenda. I appreciate that." I paused, wondering if I had the courage in me to blurt it out, "I really love Michael and I care about him so much. I couldn't do what Matilda went ahead and did to him."

Kendra fumed at the thought of his ex-girlfriend. She sighed deeply and narrowed her eyes. "That bitch had some nerve. Michael's obviously told you a lot about her, right?"

"Yeah." I nodded, wondering if I should leave out the fact that conversation regarding her was like trying to pull teeth. "He told me about the way he felt about her and the way she left him..."

"Michael is such a gentle soul, you know..." She had lowered her voice, "And he places such an importance on intimacy because of his position, and of course naturally he has to have great faith and trust in the women that he chooses to-" She stopped, wondering if she was getting too personal.

"I know." I prompted her, then I saw the way she looked at me, as if she were surprised, assuming Michael and I had slept together. "Oh," I laughed, "we haven't." I blushed. "Both of us have been in bad relationships and have been hurt, we don't want to rush anything at all."

"I wish that Matilda had of been that patient with him." She fumed, "To fool him in to trusting her enough to lose his virginity to, and then leaving him almost immediately after."

I felt my stomach knot up intensely and my heart sank. I couldn't believe my ears. I don't know that I'd ever felt more deceived. My smile tightened and I said nothing. I didn't want to draw any attention or cause a scene but I wanted to leave right then and there. I remembered how just a few weeks previously I had let him see me semi-naked, almost letting down enough of my guard to go the whole way with him. I remembered how I'd been so close to him that I could taste him, literally. I let him touch me, and put his lips and hands all over me and he'd fucking told me it was the first time he'd ever engaged in any level of sex, how satisfying I'd been.

"Is everything okay?" Kendra asked. I dropped the smile. She seemed alarmed by my sudden change of mood.

"Yeah. I'm fine. I just have to use the bathroom. I'll be back." I escaped pretty quickly before she had a moment to respond. I figured that she guessed something she had said had upset me, but I needed to get out of there before my eyes spilled over with tears. I felt physically ill.

**

"Um, Mike... you wanna go check on Jade? She kinda just fled to the bathroom like she was about to be sick." Kendra asked as she emerged from the kitchen. I glanced up, and passed Isabella to David. I felt concerned and headed off down the hall.

I knocked gently at the door. "Jade?" I questioned.

The only sound that could be heard was the gushing of tap water. "Jade, can I come in?" I asked, thinking perhaps that something we had eaten at dinner didn't agree with her. I tried to twist the door handle but it was securely locked. "Are you okay, sweetie?"

I waited for a few moments and heard the tap being turned off. She opened the door. Her face was red and her eyes were covered by a thick film of water. I was sure that she had vomited -- or that she had been crying. "Sweetie, are you alright?" I asked, going to touch her arm. She immediately flinched away.

"I need you to take me home." Her voice was strained as if she was choking back a sob. She didn't seem sad, just direct and possibly even panicked. I felt worried.

"Of course, but what's wrong? Are you sick?"

She pushed me away a little too vehemently, "I don't want you to touch me." She snapped, "Just take me home."

I was at a loss for what was going on. I just said nothing and lead her down the hallway hoping that she'd explain whatever it was that was bugging her on the way home. I felt a little embarrassed, "Guys, Jade isn't feeling well... I'm really sorry but we have to go."

"Oh no..." Kendra frowned, "I hope it wasn't the food."

"I'm sure it wasn't." Jade replied in a barely audible voice. "I'm really sorry." She added, "I appreciated your hospitality."

"Sure thing. Go home and get some rest, and both of you be sure to keep in touch." Dave replied. He gave me a hand shake and awkwardly mulled over giving Jade a hug. I kissed baby Isa and Kendra good bye. Jade and I saw ourselves out.

I was shocked, my mind was reeling and I had no utter clue what was going on. I fastened my safety belt and sat beside her in silence. I turned on the ignition and waited for her to say something. She didn't.

"Are you okay? Do you feel sick?" I wondered what on earth could have happened. I figured that perhaps Kendra said something upset her. "Was something said to you?"

Jade started to cry and honestly? My heart began to hurt. I knew something bad had happened but she wasn't really giving me any information. I felt so helpless. It wasn't just a soft cry but the tears were really falling down her face. We drove in silence for a few minutes until I couldn't take it anymore. I pulled over on the side of the road and pulled off my safety belt. "Baby, please..."

"You lied to me!" She snapped through her tears. I was confused. I had never lied to her and I never would.

I shook my head, "No, Jade. I haven't lied to you. I promise." I went to put an arm around her but she pushed me away again.

"I don't ever want you to touch me. I thought you were different. You're a fucking liar." Her voice was still soft, but her anger was so strong. I had no idea where on Earth she it had all came from.

"What's going on, Jade?" I asked her, exasperated, "I haven't ever lied to you! I promise, just tell me why you think that I have and we can work this out."

"No!" She shouted at me, "I thought you were different Michael." She wiped her eyes, "I've never had sex before." She mimicked me, "You're a fucking liar, Michael Jackson, I should have known. You're all the fucking same, all of you."

I was speechless. I tried to remain calm but I hated the idea of her thinking I was guilty of something that I wasn't. "Jade, I have never slept with anyone before. I have not had sex at all with anyone else. Why the hell would I lie about something like that?" I wanted to know. "Just... calm down. I'm sure we can work this out." I reached for her hand, attempting to make a truce, but she blocked my touch.

"I said, don't touch me!" She slapped her hand across my face. "I'm not some stupid little bitch who you can just lie to, treat like shit and toss aside once you've had your fucking way with her! I'll never be that fucking stupid again."

I was shocked. I held my face where she had slapped me. I hadn't felt anger toward Jade ever, but at that moment, it was rising up. My cheek stang and I couldn't believe she had struck me so hard. I knew that she had to have been scared to have defended herself but I didn't care. We had so many talks about Aaron's violence toward her, and here she was raising her hands.

"Fine. You know what? I don't even care. You're a hypocrite Jade, you know that?" I asked as I put my foot to the pedal. "You always go on about how fucking much your boyfriend hurt you, how he turned to violence, and here you are raising your hands at me like a five year old."

"Don't you ever talk to me about Aaron. You're just as much of a piece of scum as he is."

Yeah, that one really hurt. I clenched the wheel tightly with both hands and ground my teeth. "How dare you." I spat, "Before you shoot your freaking mouth off, lady, you owe me an explanation and until you do that, I want nothing to do with you."

"Fuck you, Michael." Jade replied. I felt so bad, my own eyes were welling up with tears and I wasn't too proud to let them fall down my face. I loved Jade. I loved her so much and it hurt me to know she was hurting, even if it wasn't my fault. It hurt me that she was harbouring so much animosity. I wished I knew why. "Kendra told me all the fuck about it, how Matilda had left you right after you lost your virginity to her. You're a fucking dirty liar. Did you think you'd get me in to bed faster by playing the sweet virgin boy act?"

I suddenly felt very stupid.

I didn't know why I just hadn't been truthful to begin with. The male ego was sometimes really incomprehensible. I said nothing and continued to drive us back to my place.

"I want you to take me to my house." She told me after we'd driven in silence for a little while. She'd been sitting beside me, crying softly. And now I felt like an asshole. Lying only ever came back to bite me in the ass.

"I want you to just hear me out. If you hear me out and you still want to leave me, then I'll understand, but I promise that I can explain and I promise you that it wasn't you that I lied to."

Jade said nothing and part of me felt as though perhaps she had calmed down. I took her silence as agreement, but she replied with a fresh flood of new tears. "I can't do this, Michael-- It's too hard, I don't want to feel like this, I love you but it's too difficult."

I shamelessly wiped my own eyes. I felt like she was about to completely break it off. And if she did, it would be justified. It was all my own stupid fault. "I love you too and I don't want to feel like this either." I couldn't stress it enough, I spoke almost as if I were begging her. "But the fact that I love you so much gives me the strength to not give up when we wrong each other."

"I haven't ever wronged you. All I did is give you my heart and asked you not to break it." She replied in the softest tone.

She certainly had me there.

I always made the vow that when it came to the ones I loved so dearly that I would never let the sun set upon an argument, but it didn't seem like there was going to be a way around this one. I took a left and exited the 101. I was just going to take her home. I needed to give her her space. Even if right then I were to tell her the truth she probably wouldn't have believed me.

I hadn't seen her place for a really long time. It was rare that she slept at her own house, or even went there for anything. I looked up at her apartment complex and felt sad that she was going to be alone for the night. I wiped my eyes. I was over-emotional. We both were, and I was still at a loss as to how such an incredibly small misunderstanding could have been blown so far out of proportion.

I stopped outside the complex and unlocked the car door. For some reason I stopped my car. She was about to open the door and leave but she turned back to me and saw that I was crying. I knew she was surprised. "Jade wait..." I stopped her as she was about to turn away.

She paused but didn't turn back around to look at me.

I drew in a deep breath, "I know how it all must seem -- but I promise that there's a perfectly reasonable explanation. I know right now you probably don't want to hear it, but I would never and have never lied to you about a single thing, including when I told you that I was a virgin. I am still a virgin and the only other person I've done anything more than kiss with, is you. I swear it on everything."

I saw her shoulders slump a little bit and felt like maybe I was getting through to her. Jade was so stubborn though. She just opened the car door and turned around to me giving me one last look. "Please don't give up on us." I added as a feeble effort to get through to her.

"Okay..." She replied in the same kind of feeble whisper.

"I'll call you in the morning." I promised. "Answer my call... k?"

Jade nodded and closed the door. She turned away from me. I watched after her and made sure that she got inside safely. I only hoped that she really understood that I was being sincere.

Chapter 25

I called Dad and he insisted on coming straight over. I wanted to be alone, but I knew it was stupid to feel that way. I knew if I was left alone with my own paranoid thoughts I would dream up a thousand different excuses or things that I could have also accused Michael of. I needed some logical advice. I needed someone who wasn't Michael to tell me that he was sincere.

I washed my face with a hot cloth. It was red and blotchy from crying. I found myself wishing that I had never let Michael in to my life -- it was too hard. I hated relationships. I hated the thought of them. I hated having to put in all the hard yards -- and for what? They always fucking ended badly. It was easier just not to try at all. I remembered back to my days before he came in to my life, and now I let logic rule over my heart.

My life had been a whole lot more simple.

I couldn't get the look that Michael had given me just before I left him for the night, out of my mind. He looked so sad, like a wounded puppy and it made me feel so fucking guilty even though I hadn't done anything wrong. I kept thinking that maybe I had got it wrong, maybe Kendra just assumed Michael and Matilda had slept together. I wanted to believe with all my heart that he was telling me the truth but -- I heard about guys doing that kinda shit all the time. I didn't really understand the point of a male wanting to "crack" a virgin as Danny from my work used to put it. It seemed disgusting, and why would a guy want to be with someone so inexperienced?

I didn't understand. If Michael was all about conquering as many first timers as he could, I probably wouldn't have been shocked. In fact, at that moment, I didn't really expect much else than to find out he was a shady bastard masquerading as some sweet innocent man so he could bring home other women.

My mind wandered to what he got up to when he was overseas or on business.

I was doing my head in thinking of all the what-ifs. The question was, why he would lie to me.

**

I had never been more relieved to see my Dad. I knew he would be honest with me. He came in like a whirlwind and sat me down on the couch. It was obvious I'd spent awhile crying. My face was blotched and red and a headache had formed. I just wanted to call up Michael and break up with him. I knew it would be hard to get over, but I'd manage. It would just be so much easier in the long run.

Dad hugged me and kissed my forehead before asking me what happened. My Dad knew I would talk in my own time if I wanted to. He turned the TV on and went to make us both a hot drink and ordered me to calm down.

I felt like my father was the only man I'd ever be able to completely trust. I sighed softly and blew my nose. At least the television set was something to turn my attention to. My mind went over the past few months that I'd spent with Michael and how happy he seemed to be when I was around. He never did anything that wasn't genuine. I felt like I knew that whatever he said or did was truly from the heart.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Dad interrupted my thoughts as he placed down a cup of tea on the coffee table.

I gave him a brief run down of our night and was quite frank about the fact that Michael and I had not yet slept together. I think my Dad was surprised since he was well aware of how much time I spent at Michael's house-- never the less he tried not to show it. I explained how we had went to dinner at his friends house and it was there that I found out that he had lied about his sexual status.

Dad sank back and thought for a moment, as if digesting the story. "Sweetheart, did you talk to him about it?" He finally asked me.

I shrugged. "We had a fight on the way home. He denied it all but why would Kendra lie? And..." I paused and wiped my eyes, "I don't know it just seems all so weird."

Dad put an arm around me and hugged me. "I know you're really upset, but how can you know that it isn't just some kind of misunderstanding unless you hear Michael out?" He paused, "And of course you don't want to be deceived, but does it really matter if Michael has had another sexual partner before?"

I raised my eyebrow, "Yes of course it damn well matters!" I snapped, "God, are men all the bloody same?" I wanted to know. I was shocked that my Dad was defending him. "He told me on more than one fucking occasion that he was a virgin Dad."

"Watch your mouth." He frowned at me. "I understand that you're upset, Jade. It's a perfectly valid feeling, but did you at least let him tell his side of the story or did you just make up your mind then and there?"

I couldn't answer. When I thought back to the way I had struck him across the cheek, I felt ashamed. I sighed. I knew he was right and I guess that was what I needed, someone to knock some sense back in to me.

"Jade, does he have a history of lying? Has he ever done or said anything to make you suspicious of his motives? Or has he always been loyal and kind and genuine with you?" He continued to ask me rhetorically. "Cause darling, these are the things you need to be asking yourself before you get yourself all worked up over something that could just be nothing."

I knew he was right. I hated feeling the way I was. I hoped and prayed with all of my might that Kendra was wrong, but honestly, I couldn't see how she could have mistaken something like that.

**

I blew off work for the day. I had an exec meeting with the label, but I didn't give a shit. I hadn't slept at all the night before and my head was absolutely pulsating. I drove toward Jade's house in my bed clothes and I didn't even care that people who pulled up beside me at traffic lights recognised me. I drove fast, recklessly, wanting to get to her house. It was driving me insane. I had to explain to her what was said, and why Kendra spilled what she had.

I felt a bit shaky as I made my way upstairs to Jade's apartment. I knew she was going to tell me to go home. I knew she probably would have decided that I wasn't worth the effort. I was scared. I loved her so fucking much that it hurt. I don't even think I'd been aware of the extent until the night before. I wasn't too proud to cry, to beg to do everything in my power to show her how much I loved her and how much I needed her to know that I wouldn't ever have hurt her.

I knocked on the door for a few minutes and heard her making footsteps toward it. She swang it open and stood a little stunned that I was waiting behind it. I felt her eyes search me, looking me up and down, avoiding my own stare. I swallowed a lump in my throat. "Can I come in?" I asked with a look of hope and desperation.

She left the door open and turned around to let me follow her inside. It was a start.

I closed the door behind us and waited for her to say something. I hated the hostility in the air along with the tension and coldness. I felt my eyes filling up with tears. "Don't be like this, Jade... open up your heart and hear me out."

She sank down in to the couch and stared at me, expressionless and waited. I sat down opposing her on the wooden coffee table. I wanted to take her hands, but I was afraid she'd flinch away. Instead I sat forward and breathed a sigh. I didn't really know where to begin. I guessed that the basics would be the best place. "I love you baby. I can't say it enough, I love you so much." I flicked my gaze up to see that she was watching me.

"Why did you lie?" She asked me coldly even though I knew that my presence was affecting her. Her eyes were covered by a thick film of water. I wanted her to cry if only to break the tension. "And tell me the damn truth."

"Jade..." I began, "I told you Matilda took money from me..." I explained. "And I glossed over it with you," I continued, feeling tears tickling my face as they fell upon my cheeks for two reasons. I was so scared that Jade wasn't going to buy my truth and secondly for my own idiocy over how I'd been taken for a fool. "I trusted her so much so that I gave her joint access to a bank account where a large sum of my funding was kept, and in the interest of her future I put her name down as a co-owner of a corperation that I was in possession of. She wanted to take out a loan for her own home, an investment profit and didn't have enough collateral to do it on her own."

"Oh well silly me!" Jade snapped, "I thought when Kendra told me you lost your virginity to her, that she was talking about sex -- good to know she meant it in the terms of signing a contract! I was so confused!" She threw at me sarcastically.

God, she looked so heartbroken and so unsure of herself. I hated that I was so stupid, and I hated that I ever had to think of my whole fucked up relationship with that criminal bitch all over again. It hurt me to think about and left me feeling so overwhelmingly retarded for trusting someone who clearly wasn't of sound mind.

"Hear me out..." I whispered, wiping my eyes. I sighed again. "Matilda was always trying to have sex with me, she wouldn't believe me when told her I was a virgin especially after what my brother's had put me through while I was on tour... I guess she got tired of waiting and that's when I found her cheating at the party I took her to, like I told you."

Jade still said nothing.

"I was embarrassed, my pride had been smashed to pieces and then about a week later I received a letter from my bank manager who wrote me to confirm the closure of my bank account as the funds in it were no longer, and the corperation that I had founded had been turned over so that Matilda had me pushed out of the ownership and then she sold it."

I closed my eyes and felt heaven in my grasp as her soft hand nestled itself in my palm. The tears fell down my cheeks unbridled and part of me felt like the most unmacho guy that had ever been placed on Earth and the other part of me just wanted Jade so badly to understand that I would never have touched that bitch with a poking pole.

"Baby, I was so mortified and just ... cheated, fucked over in every which way -- I couldn't tell anyone, especially not my father because he would have absolutely obliterated me for being so stupid in putting her name to anything. I didn't want anyone to know that she had taken so much from me, my heart, my money, even my fucking investments. Fuck, I was so stupid."

I hadn't talked about any of what had happened ever before to anyone. I didn't know how it would go over, and I certainly didn't want Jade to think I was a push-over. But maybe I was, and maybe it was a lesson that needed to be taught so that I didn't leave myself open to anything that fucking idiotic ever again. "So I guess I told Dave and Kendra that she used me to get me in to bed to make a name for herself, because it was the easiest and most believable excuse."

Silence fell over us both. I dared not to look at Jade but I felt her fingers curl around my hand. I knew that she believed me.

"I'm so sorry I hit you." was the first thing she apologised for. I had completely forgotten about it.

"I don't care." I finally looked up at her, my eyes were full of emotion. "Jade, I've always looked for someone who will look after me, who will just have me -- put up with me, if need be, they didn't necessarily have to love me, just accept me. I thought perfect love was just finding a girl who would turn me in to a good husband, who would be just good enough for me. Beggars can't be choosers." I murmured.

"But you're better than that." I explained, moving to sit beside her. "You're not just good enough, you're someone I love so dearly, I have never ever met someone who loves me so unconditionally, no questions asked. You don't try to make me be something I'm not, you accept me as I am, you take the good with the bad and it's incomprehensible to me that I could ever hurt you, or lie to you or do anything that would leave you heart-broken or skeptical of the honest man that I've always been with you."

I couldn't even bring myself to look at her. I knew she was crying, so was I. God, it was one of those pathetic corny ass movie scene moments. If there could have been any music playing, I'm sure the violins would have been out. I'd never felt so fucking lame in all of my life. I was still hurting and I know she was too. I hadn't slept one wink and judging by the way Jade looked, she hadn't either.

"I'm sorry." She apologized. "For everything." I felt her warm hands slipping around my chest. I felt my body begin to relax within her embrace.

"I love you, Jade, please don't ever think that I don't."

"I love you too." She murmured, leaning her head against my chest.

**

I thought that it was possible that Michael was hurting more than I was. We didn't say a lot, both rather reflected on how idiotic our misunderstanding had been. I wished that I had given him more of a chance to speak, while I knew he'd wished he'd just told me the full story about Matilda to begin with. I suppose in some way we were both to blame.

Like Michael, I also hadn't slept the night before and it attributed toward our high strung emotions. "Why didn't you ever pursue that bitch legally?" I wondered out loud. I leaned my head against his shoulder and closed my eyes. Weariness was taking over.

He gave a tired laugh. "Yeah right. Show the world what kind of fucking loser I am?"

I hated it when he talked down about himself. "We all make mistakes." I supplied, although I knew it wasn't much consolation.

"Yeah...." His voice trailed off, "the difference was, mine was a half million mistake. One that could have been prevented, had I not been such an easy bitch of a target."

I felt his pain. I knew it was something that tormented him a lot. "I'm sorry..." I heard myself apologising to him for a number of reasons, mostly because he'd been hurt so deeply and I felt so helpless and upset that he obviously quite clearly knew the pain of trusting someone so much and having them do the unthinkable. I was also sorry that I hadn't given him the opportunity to hear him out like my Dad had originally asked.

"Not your fault." He replied with a little sigh. "Maybe we should put it behind us-- forget last night ever happened." He suggested.

"Look..." I began, looking up at him. "We had a stupid misunderstanding. I wasn't willing to hear you out -- you only told me half the story about Matilda. I think we both just need to be upfront and honest about everything so that something like this doesn't ever happen again." I paused and gave him a small smile. "Cause I don't think I could go through another sleepless night wondering what's going on with us."

"Me either... I didn't sleep at all, not one bit." I knew he wasn't lying. I could always tell when my baby was tired. He had dark shadows beneath his eyes and when he smiled the creases became deeper and his eyes looked hollow.

It was just before midday. "Maybe you should have a nap." I planted a kiss on his cheek, "You want to go lay down in my room, or do you have things to do?"

"Fuck them. You're more important than work." He replied. I was surprised each time Michael cursed, even though he had sworn quite a lot throughout the morning, I couldn't help but feeling shocked each time a dirty word came out of his mouth.

I got up, ignoring his cursing and took his hand. He got up from the couch and followed me to my room. We closed the door behind us and I watched him slip off his shoes and get comfortable. My covers were already pulled back from an effortful night of sleepless tossing and turning. My bed was against the wall and usually I liked to be closest to the wall. I climbed over Michael and made myself comfortable, lying flat on my back.

Michael propped himself up on his elbow and watched me. We were both in mellow moods. There was certainly no intention of anything overly romantic between us, but I knew he was wanting to just appreciate that we were okay. He pressed his lips against mine softly before settling back down on to the other pillow.

I turned to face the wall, and as usual, his arm secured itself over my waist, pulling me closer in to him, tucking his hand beneath my side, spooning. "Don't ever leave me, Jade..."

I closed my eyes tightly as his words continuously played over in my head. I never ever wanted to leave him, it's just that sometimes it would have seemed so much easier.

The months seemed to pass by pretty quickly and summer finally came around. I was so glad, I hated the cold weather. Things were going so well between Michael and I, even if the whole relationship was pretty much long distance since he'd finally agreed to go on tour with his brothers for one final show down. He still kept a distance between them and I, and I was okay with that. I didn't really have any interest in meeting the jerks that I'd heard so many unsavory stories about. I missed him so much and I knew the feeling was mutual.

He called me after concerts and often invited me along but I wasn't quite finished with my finals at that point. I wanted so badly to be with him, to travel a little bit and to experience what he did for a living first hand. He told me all about the show, the special effects, the stage set up -- all of it excited him. He called me every single night even the nights he was doing concerts. Those nights he'd be so high strung, the conversations were exceptionally animated, I expected that he was pacing while on the telephone to me with his arms flying about doing hand actions as we spoke. He was at his best after those concerts, I suppose he had a lot of energy to expend.

We talked about sex a lot. Unfortunately there was always a lot of talking, not a lot of doing. He expressed his desire on a number of occasions to make love with me. He told me how much he missed my body beside him and how he was feeling the frustration of not having any kind of affection. I was feeling it too. I was still fairly insecure with my body, but dammit, I missed him. I wanted him and I to just lay together, make out, go with the flow and stop if we wanted to. I had a feeling that as soon as his tour ended our relationship was about to get more serious.

He praised me for being so understanding about his job, for not asking anything from him, or expecting it to change just because we were in a serious relationship. To me, it didn't seem like I was doing anything extraordinary. He'd warned me that's how it was going to be in the beginning and I absolutely accepted it. It didn't mean it wasn't hard or that I didn't get angry sometimes that he wasn't there when I'd had a shitty day or vice versa, but we both dealt with it.

My parents loved Michael, I probably could have even gone so far as to say that my he and my Dad were friends. Michael kept offering to fly my parents out to whatever city he was in just to hang out, see a concert and do a bit of sightseeing. This of course always humbled my Dad, but he wouldn't have ever been to swallow his pride long enough to accept. I was a bit like that myself, especially knowing all that Matilda had done, but I knew Michael was aware that my intentions were pure, so he would never have thought twice about bringing me across to be with him.

He was in Tokyo, so far from home. I hadn't seen him for almost three months. Fortunately he'd came home for a week between the first and second leg of the tour. It wasn't all rosey of course, we had arguments sometimes -- not many, but a few. We argued over small things mostly, it was always money. I had pretty much officially moved in to Michael's place and I was looking for a job. He insisted so often that I didn't need to work, but I wanted to. I found nothing more boring than going to school three times a week and then spending the other days at home waiting around for him to call. And then what would happen if both Michael and I broke up? I'd be out of a place to live and no money behind me. I didn't honestly believe anything that dramatic would happen, but who knew? I was a bit of a hot head when we fought, I usually got the angriest and the most worked up for usually little to no reason at all. I was a bit stupid like that. Michael on the other hand, was great at giving me the silent treatment which always infuriated me.

My Mum and Dad always made me feel much better when I was upset about missing him. My Mum and I went out together a couple times a week and I always went home to eat. It started becoming a little bit strange at home. I noticed that Dad was there all the time. I started asking subtle questions but neither of them were quick to answer me. I had my suspicions but I didn't want to pry. I figured that when they were ready, they'd both tell me if there was something I needed to know. I shared my suspicions with Michael, but he warned me not to get my hopes up too much though I couldn't really help it. My parents had separated when I was really young, but neither had ever really exposed themselves to dating or ever had any long-term relationships. Selfishly, that made me happy.

**

Bangkok was something out of this world. People on bicycles were zooming past our van, periodically the driver would hit the brakes hard, sending us jolting forward. A couple of times I yelped in shock, thinking we were about to either hit a pedestrian or worse, another car -- but the diver just laughed at my fears. Bastard. I thought to myself.

My stomach was knotting up. Only hours away now, I thought to myself. I looked up as the driver got out of the car to open my door. I thanked him absently as I smiled at the Bangkok Hilton sign. The hotel looked beautiful. The air was sticky and hot, but I welcomed it. I wore a plain white tank and a pair of peddle pushers. Michael warned me it would be stinking hot, and he hadn't lied. My heart fluttered at the thought of seeing him after three months. I wondered how he'd look. I was nervous. I smoothed down my hair which had grown a couple of inches since I'd last seen him. I hoped he'd still find me beautiful and that time away really did make the heart grow fonder.

I was supposed to check in at the front desk and they would give me a key to Michael's suite. He was at a show and would meet me afterwards in his room. The bell boy helped me take my luggage up to the room and left me just down the hall. I walked toward the suite. I knew it had to be big, Michael liked his presidential suites - he was a bit of a high roller, that didn't bother me too much. I thought it was a very typical male thing to do. I opened the door and found a pitch black suite. There were no lights what so ever. "Shit." I mumbled, feeling around on the walls for a switch, but with the dim light shining in from the corridor, I couldn't find any switches.

I felt a warm set of hands and I heard a sweet little chuckle at my expense. I felt my breath catch in my throat. He took my hand, obviously his eyes had adjusted to the dark. He paused for a moment by a stereo and pressed play. Soft gentle music flowed from the speakers. "Stay right there..." He told me.

I didn't dare move. I felt my eyes filling up with tears of joy. God, I had missed him so much. I heard him strike a match and suddenly there was light. He lit some candles and I could see around the suite. I was standing in the middle of a large circle of scattered rose petals. He looked so wonderful in the candle light. He wore black slacks and a white t shirt. His hair had grown some, it was almost long enough to tie back. He was handsome, very, very handsome. He smelled divine. I got a waft of his cologne as he stepped toward me. He slid his hand upon my waist and took my hand so that we could dance together. I wasn't much of a dancer, but he was a good leader. I gazed up at him with my teary eyes, doing away with my heartfelt longing to be in his arms. It was all so amazing.

I could see water rimming around his eyes as he smiled at me with a distant look of adoration -- as if he couldn't believe I was finally with him. It was like a dream too good to be true. "I've missed you." I told him simply.

He pulled closer and hugged me as though we had never embraced before. We swayed back and forth slightly, snug, tight and secure in the warmth of his protective and loving arms. There was no other place that I ever wanted to be.

He kissed the top of my head and then lifted my chin to kiss my lips. "I love you. I'm so damn happy that you're here." He confessed with that beautiful smile I had longed to see.

I wanted him to make love to me, I wanted to undress him and do whatever he wanted. I was over waiting. I loved him so much and nothing really needed to be proven. We didn't need to be married. Shit, we'd been together for more than 8 months and we both knew that our love for one another wasn't going to change. I kinda figured by looking around, that was how Michael had expected this night to go. We were standing in a bedroom, there were rose petals scattered on the bed and candles unlit by the bedside table.

I kissed him in reply, upon the lips, hungrily. He kissed me back with the type of passion he'd never really shown me before. I tugged at his shirt, pulling it out from under the belt.

"Wait..." Michael stopped me. "Wait a second baby." He let go of me and went to make sure the door was locked. He returned and took my hand and led me to the bathroom. We stood before a full jacuzzi, complete with bubbles. I gave a sigh of contentment. He pulled his shirt off over his head and glanced at me. My eyes traveled upward to his face. He was well kept, I had to admit. Yes, he was thin, but every inch of him was hard muscle. He took off his belt and stepped out of his pants that pooled around his feet at the floor. I began to feel a little nervous and unprepared, but I told myself that something unprepared was probably better.

He stood before me in his boxers and watched me pull my tank over my head. It wasn't too much of a big deal. We'd both seen each other semi-naked a couple of times but I felt nervous. He gave me a little smile. I knew he was feeling the same. I wondered if he'd get in, naked. He stepped toward me and kissed my shoulder softly. I shifted my head, to allow him some room to nestle his face in to my collar bone. I encircled my arms around him and felt his hands at my bra clip. He unfastened it and broke his kisses to pull it completely off. His lips met mine and we kissed hard and fast, letting our tongues stroke one another’s. I just let my natural instinct take over as I pushed down his boxer shorts, allowing him the room to step out of them. I didn't look, but I knew he was turned on.

We were both breathless and anxious to get things happening. He fumbled with the fly on my pants before finally getting it undone. I stood before him in a pair of lace panties. I broke our kiss, my heart was beating so hard and I too, was completely turned on. I wanted him so fucking bad. I trusted him, I didn't care that I was almost completely naked. "Let's get in...." I suggested.

Michael took one step in to the tub and held out his hand to help me in. He averted his eyes, as if I was shy as I stepped out of my underwear. I took his hand and felt the warmth of the water lap up on my skin. We both sank down beside one another. My skin tingled all over from the heat. God, it was so relaxing to be there with him.

"You look beautiful tonight, Jade." He complimented me. He reached up and pulled my hair out of the clip that was holding it up. It fell down against my shoulders, touching the surface of the water.

"So do you, sweetheart." I replied, leaning in for a kiss. He smiled at me. I felt him running his hand from my knee up and back down again. It was such a turn on. I felt hot all over. There was no need to back out this time. I wanted to reach for him, and went to but he took my hand and kissed me. I rested my head back on the rim of the tub as his lips covered my neck, my earlobes and my shoulders. I ached for him to touch me, but he was slow about it. He liked to tease but as soon as I felt his fingers touch me I let out a low, soft moan. His touch was bare and soft, almost as if he didn't want to, but I knew he was just playing games. He kissed my lips in short, teasing kisses as well. He watched my face as I closed my eyes, feeling him inside of me, stroking me slowly. I tried to shift my body so that I could get him to move faster.

He gave a seductive laugh. "We've got plenty of time..." He reminded me. I knew that was the case. I tried to regulate my breathing but man he felt good inside of me. I rocked a little back and forth to try until he began moving faster. I enjoyed him exploring me while covering me with kisses. His lips were so soft but he was so full of passion. I shivered and whispered for him to go faster, but he ignored me and continued stroking my face. I bucked when he found a sensitive spot. He grinned and placed more pressure on it. I groaned as he began stroking me in a circular motion. I made a lot of noise, I squirmed a lot but I came to learn after awhile that Michael enjoyed that.

I felt on edge. I'd never had an orgasm before and I knew I was probably a little bit far from having one but I was about to lose my composure. I was woozy with lust and wanted him to just come inside me already, but he wanted to take his time and make our fun last for awhile.

It was all going perfectly until someone began banging on the door calling out to him. I recognized the voice it was familiar.

"Shit." He muttered. "Ignore them." He whispered, but I could tell he was trying to rush me along, muffling my mouth with kisses. I realized it was his mother. I had no idea she was with them on the tour.

The knocking didn't stop.

"I'm sorry." He apologised, "Jade, I'm so sorry."

"It's okay." I replied, trying to breathe. "Go answer..."

"I'll be two seconds." He got out of the water and I laid my head back trying to get my breathing back to normal. I was so fucking close, I thought bitterly. He closed the bathroom door behind me.

A couple of minutes later I heard Michael behind the door. "Sweet heart. Mom is here. She came to say hello to you. Isn't that nice?" I just laughed. I could tell he was speaking through clenched teeth. I realised that our story was gonna have to be straight cause if her Mom had any idea what we were doing, she'd probably never let me or Michael forget it.

"I'll be out soon." I replied sweetly.

Ball-breaker. I muttered under my breath.

**

My mother had the most impeccible timing... Not. I thought as Jade lay beside me that night sleeping peacefully the next morning. By the time we pushed Mom out, she was too exhausted from the flight to keep her eyes open. When the mood was spoiled like that, there was no point even trying to pick up where we had left off.

Bless Mom though, she was pretty excited to see Jade which made me really happy if it weren't for the bad timing. I knew Mom knew she'd walked in to something though and we both awkwardly ignored the rose petals and candles that were scattered about. She seemed a little embarrassed but Jade came right out of the bathroom, glowing and looking fresh and put her right to ease by asking her a million questions about her time on tour with us so far. I knew she just had to be anxious to be speaking and asking so much in such earnest in order to just fill any awkwardness.

Mom didn't stay long, just long enough to kill our mood. She had arranged to meet with Jade later the next day while I was at soundcheck with my brothers. I was happy about that, I didn't want Jade to sit around all through the day by herself.

I sighed and tried to prep myself to get out of bed. Touring with my brothers was the pits. I hated it because I could never just really do my own thing, they were always bugging me for something, anything, really. I hoped to keep Jade as far away from them as possible, and also my Dad. Joseph really didn't have a lot to do with this tour since we'd hired a new manager, but it didn't stop him from sticking his beak in to where it wasn't wanted.

I was desperately trying to keep my public appearances to a minimal because I just wanted to spend time with Jade. The crappy thing was, we never really went anywhere or did anything. It wasn't like we could be a regular couple where I could take her out to dinner at 6pm, we could maybe head to a movie, or even take a stroll along the beach. Thailand was absolutely outrageously beautiful when you got out of the city, anyway. The water was so beautiful and clear and looked exactly as I had always imagined paradise. My mind started ticking over... Paradise...

Jade was supposed to go home when I left to go to Australia on the last part of the first tour leg. I wanted to take her with me. I watched her breathing lightly as she slept facing me, close beside me. She slept with her hands in prayer position beneath her cheek like my perfect angel and her sweet lips were pillowed together in a slight pout. I found myself smiling. I wanted her to wake up. I wanted to wake her up. I missed her all of the time, including when she was sleeping. Man, I knew how badly I had it for her.

I was surprised when I'd seen her arrive, she never looked more beautiful. I had been a little bit worried since her thin wrists seemed even thinner and I couldn't help but notice that she had lost weight in her face and the rest of her body. I had sincerely hoped she was taking proper care of herself in my absence. Aside from that though, she had a healthy glow about her that made me smile. She seemed to have an air of confidence and happiness that twinkled in her eye that I couldn't remember having ever seen before. I had missed her so much, but not once did I think that all the frustrations, the long night chats and the early mornings weren't worth it and I never resented a second of having her in my life. She was my crutch, she held me up, she and I were mutual cheer leaders for one another. She made me feel so good and so worthy whenever I was second guessing myself, and I did the same for her. She was absolutely, whole-heartedly my heaven-sent princess and I didn't think it was possible that I could lover her any harder.

I breathed out a quiet sigh and convinced myself not to wake her up. I forced myself out of bed before the alarm was due to go off and made I cancelled it. It was time for a shower. I hated these stupid early mornings of rehearsals and then sound checks. I had a break thankfully just a little bit after lunch and then I had the concert in the evening.

I wished that we weren't in Bangkok, because although Thailand was beautiful, Bangkok smelled the worst. Luckily for me, other times that I'd toured Asia, I'd been able to experience the rest of the beautiful country -- but I hated the city. It was unclean and there was so much smog and the humidity made it unbearable almost.

I got undressed for the shower and got in with reluctance. Dealing with my brothers in my face every single day was such a pain in the ass. Well, some of them at least. I had a reasonable friendship with my brother Marlon, but he like me, kept himself distanced from the rest of the brothers. Perhaps we got along the best because we were closest in age and spent the most time together when we were kids -- at one point we even shared a bed. Mom had surprised me the night before by telling me that Janet, my youngest sister had flown in to Bangkok late the night before for our concert. I really couldn't wait for Jade to meet her. Janet was about to turn 18 and was the sweetest. She and I got along really well and before I had moved out we spent a lot of time together. She was my shy little kid sister who was only just coming out of her shell. She had already released an album and was working on a second one. Secretly I shared with her that I believed whole-heartedly that her career would go further than that of my brothers. She was so talented, I knew that she would soar.

**

"Soooo when are we gonna get to meet the lady?" Jermaine teased me as Marlon and I walked alongside one another toward the stage area for our sound-check. I glanced at Marlon and he rolled his eyes. Never, if I could help it. I thought to myself.

"Why would he want to expose her to you?" Marlon replied bitingly. We were all at each other's throats. It was nothing unusual, touring did that to us. It was hard to ignore Jermaine too. He was always so smarmy. He enjoyed getting under our skin with his perversion that he found to be incredibly witty, whereas Marlon, Jackie and I just found it imbecilic. Jermaine always seemed to pick on me the most, probably because I seemed to be the easiest to upset, but thankfully Marlon and Jackie had my back since they were both on the end of their tether with him.

I laughed and ignored the question and waited for Jermaine to leave us to putting our ear pieces in and waiting for everyone else to arrive.

"Mom told me she arrived last night." Marlon remarked with a little bit of interest.

"Yeah." I smiled. And man, whenever I thought of my girl being just minutes away from me instead of days, I found it very easy to smile. "Jade arrived and we hung out for a little while and then Mom came to say hello..." I tried not to feel bitter thinking of the way my lovely mother had killed my action. Her intentions were very sweet.

"I'll bet you really appreciated that." Jackie interjected, sneaking up behind us. He had a habit of doing that. He was the tallest brother and towered right over the two of us.

The three of us kinda laughed. I gave a shrug as I pulled my sweater off. "It's okay. You know what Mom's like. She really likes Jade. She just wanted to come meet her and say hello again."

I watched Jackie raise his eyebrow at me. "You really think that, Mike? C'mon I know you ain't that dumb." He nudged me in the ribs which I hated. I wondered what he meant and gave him a confused look.

"I'm sure Mother likes your girl just fine, but are you sure she just wasn't coming to make sure you weren't trying to get some action?" He nudged me again, this time I gave him a shove.

"Stop doing that!" I said with irate. "And no, she was visiting and anyway there's was no action for her to be killing." I replied with annoyance. "Man, is sex all you guys have on your minds?" I had definitely woken up on the wrong side of the bed and it didn't help that I knew Jade was lying in, without me. We'd hardly had any time at all since she had arrived and spoke very little before we both crashed out. I didn't want to be there, I wanted to be back in my room with my girlfriend, lying beside her, sleeping.

I caught my brother's exchanging smirks. "You're just upset cause Jade is making you wait." Jackie teased me with a little shove in return.

"Jade isn't making me do anything." I said defensively. "Why don't you just mind your own business. Man, you're as bad as Jermaine today." I just walked away from them to get ready on my own. Today was going to be a long day. I was looking forward to our show at least, I wanted to impress Jade. She'd never seen me perform before and I wanted her to feel proud that I was her boyfriend.

**

I dressed in a pair of black jeans and a plaid top and tied my hair back. I felt lethargic which was an indication that I was jet-lagged. I suppose the 21 hour flight had to catch up with me some how. I knew Katherine was bound to knock on the door at any moment so that we could go together to meet with Michael's little sister. I was a bit nervous, but I figured that it would be fine. I hoped that it would go well. I wasn't going to bother with make up, I was far too tired and I knew it would smear as the day progressed.

Sure enough I could hear a knock at the door of our suite. I grabbed my purse and went to meet her. We exchanged good morning hugs and walked together down the hall.

**

"You know, Janet told me Michael has been raving to her about you during every single conversation they've had on tour." Katherine complimented me. I smiled humbly. I only hoped that whatever Michael had said, weren't just exaggerations, but things that were actually true. I didn't want Janet or even Katherine to believe that I was something that I wasn't.

"That's so sweet." I replied awkwardly, not knowing what else to say.

We were being driven across town to the airport hotel Janet had stayed at the night before. "So how did you sleep last night?" She asked as I looked out the window curiously. My surroundings were a bit surreal. I'd never been out of the USA, and I was going in to culture shock. The roads were nuts, the traffic was absolutely hideous and there seemed to be no real order. No one was following road rules, if there were any, and pedestrians were weaving in out the cars on the road, almost being run over. There seemed to be so much poverty that I couldn't even really focus for too long on anything, because it made me feel terrible. I'm sure Michael and his family had seen these surroundings for years so it didn't affect them anymore.

I peeled my eyes away from a woman begging for money on the side of the road and turned back to Michael's mother. "Uhm... I had a nice sleep." I tried to focus my attention on her instead of what was going on outside.

"Did you and Michael get to enjoy one another's company?" She wondered with her kind smile. I really liked Michael's Mom. I thought she was so sweet and she seemed to really like me too. I felt very comfortable around her.

"A little bit, but Michael was tired from the rehearsals and I was jet-lagged, so we both fell asleep pretty quickly." I replied honestly. "He was gone this morning before I woke up." I gave a little pout. He may have left early, but I felt him plant a kiss on my forehead as he left.

I thought of the note he had also left that I read over and over when I woke up that I had memorised it. 'My lovely one, I couldn't bear to wake you, you looked so beautiful. I'll be thinking of you all day and wishing I was with you instead. There's something for you in the fridge. Enjoy it. Can't wait to hold you again tonight.'  I had grinned to myself, feeling my heart flutter. I went over to the fridge and checked it out and giggled to myself. There was my favorite block of hazelnut chocolate. We always had our own separate blocks and traded pieces to one another if we had demolished our own. It made me laugh. I knew later that night Michael was gonna be trading me something lame for it.

Before Michael went on tour, I had craved chocolate so bad that I bribed him to share his block with me by giving him a complete back and neck massage and promised him half of my next block. It worked well. I knew it was just as easy to get in the car and go down the street, but that wasn't as fun as our own little game.

Ahhhhhh man, he was so perfect.

"Oh well, tonight will be different, I suppose. You'll get to meet the rest of the family and of see them all perform. You've never seen Michael on stage before, have you?" She wondered.

I shook my head. "I haven't. I'm pretty excited about it, actually." I admitted, "It should be a lot of fun." I hadn't been to a concert since I was a little kid. I was a lot more excited than I'd let on.

Katherine smiled. "The boys really are a joy to watch. I try to travel as much as I can with them when they're on tour -- but it does get tiring." I nodded with understanding. I didn't know how they managed to do it day in and day out and stay sane. "This will probably be the last time they all tour as a family, they're all off doing their own things, Michael especially..." She added a little more regretfully. I had to feel bad, Katherine probably felt like music was the glue that held her family together. It was no secret to her that Michael really hated being around his father and most of his brothers.

"I'm sure they'll all end up successful no matter what the future holds." I tried to say brightly, but it seemed more feeble than anything else.

"You're right, sweet heart." She answered and then looked up, as if to change the subject, "Looks like we're here!"

I was glad. I was beginning to feel a little uncomfortable.

**

For some reason I expected Janet to be full of attitude, to be a little diva-ish, to be giving her mother sass and to turn her nose up, obnoxiously at me. I don't know why, I guess it was harsh of me to have that pre-judgement. Especially since she was nothing like that at all. Firstly, she was tiny. I knew I was petite, but so was Janet. It was interesting, since most of the boys in that family were all quite tall. I stood just an inch or so higher than Janet. She was so painfully shy that I suddenly felt as though I had the uppercard.

"Baby!" Katherine swept up her daughter in a hug. Janet looked so young and vulnerable, far too young to be travelling the world alone. "I missed you!"

"I missed you too Mom." Janet replied with a happy smile, embracing Katherine tightly. I expected that they hadn't seen each other for awhile. I couldn't imagine how strange of a set up that was. I remembered back to how I was at 17, I couldn't ever have imagined going for more than a couple of days without having my Mom or Dad around.

After they let go, Janet smiled at me shyly. I imagined she was trying to figure out who I was. "Hi." I extended my hand. "I'm Jade."

"I'm Janet." She replied awkwardly, shaking my hand. Katherine grinned, "This is the Jade." She said as if it should have explained everything. Janet's eyes suddenly widened, "Oh!" She exclaimed. "Michael's girlfriend."

I felt my cheeks burning. "I was thinking you were one of my brother's people." She admitted. "It's nice to meet you. Michael has said so much about you."

"I guess I am." I joked. And that broke the ice, thankfully.

We got Janet's luggage and helped her check out. We got back to the car without too much of a hitch and headed back to Bankok Hilton. "What I'm going to do," Katherine began, "Is drop you girls back to the hotel, and Jade you can help Janet check in, right?"

"Of course." I replied.

"Okay, because I've got to go and get a few things together for the boys. Why don't you both go and get some lunch and I'll meet you around 3pm, is that okay?"

I felt a bit awkward. I wasn't sure Michael's poor, shy little sister would want to spend the rest of the afternoon with me. I was scared of coming across as the babysitter. "Sure." I replied regardless of the way I felt.

Janet agreed too. She didn't say too much. She was mainly quiet on the way back to the hotel, sitting next to Katherine and speaking only when spoken to.

I hoped the afternoon would go better.

***

Briefly, I did feel like a babysitter. Janet trailed behind me as the bell boy took her luggage while I helped her get checked in. She was getting her own room, damn lucky her. It didn't seem to be too unusual to her, though so I didn't mention anything. The consierge handed me the keys and I gave them right to Janet. "Here you go..." I smiled.

She thanked me gratefully, showing me a little smile. She was absolutely adorable, but I didn't want to belittle her or embarrass her by telling her so. I wanted to pinch her cheeks. She definitely most resembled Michael and his mother. "Do you want to come with me to get some lunch or would you prefer to go on up and get settled?" I asked her. I wanted to give her the option -- I didn't want to make her feel like she had to be stuck with me.

She seemed to consider it for a few moments. "Well, I am kinda hungry." She replied. "I'll come if you want me to." She added, trying to be cool, obviously unsure how I felt about her company too.

"Of course I want you to." I smiled. I was glad she had chosen to come with me, because I wanted to try to talk to her a little bit and get to know her since I knew how much Michael treasured her. There was no way I could take her as a seventeen year old. She reminded me of a sweet, vulnerable little girl who was on her best behavior, when really -- all she wanted to do was run upstairs to play with her dolls.

"Are you excited to see your brothers?" I asked as we headed to the restaurant inside of the hotel.

Janet nodded, "Yeah. I haven't seen Michael in months." She grinned, "I miss him."

"I know how you feel." I replied, "I feel so bad, I fell asleep on him while he was in the middle of telling me about his day, last night." I admitted.

Both of us laughed a little awkwardly as we were seated. We scanned the menus in silence until I saw something very American which I had to have. "I'm going for the burger and fries." I informed her. I tried to be bright and cheery, but not so much so, that if she were anything like I was, she'd want to stab me in the eye.

"I'm supposed to watch my weight." Janet replied and made a face. I remembered when Michael had said that to me when he and I had first met and I had laughed. Well, well, I had changed that shit right up, hadn't I? Janet was a very healthy weight. She was curvy and more on the thinner side -- I wanted to know what twisted dipshits were responsible for making sure the Jackson's ended up looking anorexic.

"That's what your brother told me before he gained 10 pounds and looks healthier than ever." I winked. "You're at a really healthy weight, you shouldn't let anyone tell you otherwise." I told her a bit more seriously.

"Thanks." She smiled as she closed the menu. "I guess I'll have the same."

We sipped our cokes in a bit of an awkward silence as we waited to order. Once the waiter had left though, I felt that as the older, and apparently more mature party, it was probably more my responsibility to make sure she was comfortable and having fun. "Where were you before you came to Bangkok?" I wondered.

Janet seemed relieved that I had spoken. "I was recording in Burbank, just at home. It was a bit lonely so I asked them to get me a ticket out here." She replied, folding her hands on the surface of the table. I couldn't have imagined doing what she did at her age.

"Did you miss your parents?"

"I missed Mom and Michael." She answered truthfully. "I have my own part of the house now, so I'm used to spending some time alone but I felt kinda left out cause everyone is out here... Mom thinks this will be the last time the boys will perform together so I thought I should come."

"Yeah, she told me that as well." I agreed. "But who knows? There might be other times?" I supplied, hoping that she wouldn't be too upset.

"Are you kidding?" Janet grinned, "Michael should definitely tour on his own. He's better than the other 5 put together. He can out dance, out sing, out entertain them all. They needed him for this tour, without him, no one would have cared about it." She said very matter-of-factly. I gave a laugh, not really expecting her to have come to be so passionate about the subject. "But, of course that's between Michael and I."

I made the motion to zip my lips and smiled. "I agree." I replied, remembering back to when Michael had been approached about the tour. He didn't want to do it, but Joseph had begged him. He reluctantly agreed when the rest of the family had all talked about how great it would be for his career. He knew he'd been manipulated and had promised them it would be the last time and they seemed happy with that. "But I've never seen your brother perform, or even really sing properly, so I'm pretty excited about the show."

"Not even sing?" Janet asked me, widening her eyes, "Not even just at home messing about?"

I shook my head and laughed. She seemed shocked. "Well -- there was one time. But it was when he first met, and he was singing to a baby."

"Psh, he was probably trying to impress you." She giggled. I liked her, she was a cute kid. I had never considered him trying to impress me, but it probably was a possibility. "You know, normally Michael won't shut up. Singing is one of those things he does all the time."

I couldn't imagine Michael singing all the time. I wished he would. I'd grown to love his music, but he never liked me to listen to it while he was around because he got embarrassed. I found it endearing and liked to tease him about it but still, whenever a Michael Jackson song came on, the radio went off if he could help it.

"That's interesting. Well, maybe after tonight he won't be so shy."

Our lunch was brought to us and it smelled amazing. I could tell Janet couldn't wait to get in to it. "How good does this look?" I asked.

"Damn good." She replied.

We ate in silence for a bit, looking around the restaurant curiously at all the patrons. Most of them were rich, Asian businessmen and business women. There were no families in sight and thankfully no fans from what I could see. Janet was taking her time getting through her meal. It didn't matter, there were no time constraints. "Have you ever been to Thailand before?" She asked me, as she dipped some fries in to the ketchup that she had just squirted on to her plate. Her cheeks were so round and chubby and she looked ready to smile at any moment. I really had the urge to lean over and pinch 'em, but I'm not sure she would have appreciated that.

"Yeah this is my first time overseas, actually." I informed her. "It's interesting and a bit of a culture shock."

She agreed, "It's the first time I've ever been here. It sure does smell bad, huh?"

We laughed. "Maybe we should make the effort to do some tourist-y things then while we're both here." I suggested, "I don't know what Thailand has to offer, but I'm sure someone working here could tell us. I'm sure Michael will have too many problems trying to get out and about."

"That's a neat idea." Janet grinned, she seemed excited. "No one ever wants to do the tourist thing, cause everyone's already wherever we go before and seen it all for themselves, so unless I bring a friend it never happens."

"Not even Michael?" I was surprised, I thought Michael would be happy to show his little sister around.

"Like you said." She explained, "It's too hard for him. We get followed and people want autographs and fans want hugs and photos and it turns in to chaos really quickly. It's not his fault though." She was quick to add. "Michael tries his best to make sure I'm happy when we're travelling together."

I smiled, it seemed to be more like him. "Michael treasures you, he talks about you so much, actually."

Janet began to smile. I knew it pleased her to hear. She giggled a little from embarrassment.

"Seriously. When we began dating, you were the first sibling he talked about. He thinks the world of you and when your Mom told him you were coming last night, he was pretty excited." I informed her. I knew that had to be doing wonders for her ego.

"When Michael lived at home, I was the only one he'd let in to his place besides Mom." She confided in me with pride. "We had a lot of fun."

She seemed like she regretted him moving out. "Do you miss him not living there still?" I asked. She nodded before I had even finished the question. I felt bad for her. From what I'd heard, Janet wasn't really as close to anyone else in her family. Randy was the closest to her in age, but was also very much in to womanising at an early age, just like the other brothers.

"Yeah like crazy." She admitted, "It's nuts having so many boys around."

I felt the presence of someone standing over our table as Janet plopped the last fry in to her mouth. I turned and glanced up, thinking it was a waiter. It wasn't. A tall, stocky, angry man that showed resemblence to both Janet and Michael looked down upon us both. His attention was fixed on Janet. "What do you think you're doing?" He spoke low and threateningly.

She looked up at him confused. "Hi Joseph." She went to smile but it was immediately wiped off of her face.

Suddenly it all fell in to place. I couldn't figure out who he was and why he was speaking to Janet with so much spite and agression in his tone. I didn't say anything, wondering what was going on. It didn't look like this man was about to envelope his daughter in a cuddle and tell her how much he had missed her.

Everything Michael had ever told me was right. He glared at me briefly, obviously trying to figure out who I was and why I was with his daughter. I may have been shy and possibly a little afraid of people in social situations -- but this wasn't a social situation and Joseph Jackson wasn't exactly a nice man. I wasn't about to let him make me feel intimidated -- I had never let strangers intimidate me because my bitterness and paranoia had always convinced me that I was better than most people. It was a technique my brain used to stop me from feeling deranged about not wanting to make friends or wanting to act as society-driven as the people I knew. I felt for the most part, wittier, more intelligent and stronger-minded than most people. I used to employ the bad habit of looking down on people, but as all the recollections of Michael's stories about his father came back to me, I quickly re-harboured that habit and employed it on the man standing before us.

"What are you eating?" He snapped, "Girl, what did I tell you about that? I leave you for two weeks and already you're the size of a fucking house. No one will look twice at you!" He looked her up and down with disgust. "Look at you! I leave you for two weeks and you can't be trusted!"  Janet lowered her eyes sheepishly. I could tell that she was burning with embarrassment. He grabbed for her elbow, "You get your fucking things, we're leaving. You have work to do."

I couldn't handle it. It seemed like this was the dipshit who was responsible for their weight hang ups. I couldn't imagine bearing the pain of my father speaking to me in that tone, let alone insulting me so disdainfully. Janet dared to glance at me, her eyes glassy with tears. I felt so heartbroken for her that I couldn't not say anything. I was revolted and furious with him for speaking to her the way he did. No woman ever deserved a man to speak to her in that way.

"Who the hell do you think you are?" I spat back at him, pushing my chair back and glaring at him angrily. Janet looked scared and went to protest my questioning. I glanced at her, "it's okay." I told her calmly.

"I'm her father, and I don't give a fuck who you are." He said to me, our voices grew louder. I could feel a few people staring at us. It was true, he was pretty scary. I was intimidated but I wasn't going to let him know that. His eyes were blue and peircing and they could have very easily put me back to place, but I saw how embarrassed and scared Janet seemed, and that was enough to help me keep my composure.

"You are no one to speak to her like that. Just because you are her father, doesn't mean you fucking own her and can speak to her like she's some kind of speck of insignificance." I tried not to focus too much on him. I could see his anger was building up and he was probably ready to scream in my face. I braced myself for some fireworks. "And if anyone needs a personal fucking trainer, it's you." I looked him up and down the same as he had did to his daughter and then gave him a look of disgust.

I looked at Janet who's eyes had spilled over with tears. I felt terrible for her. "Janet," I dropped my tone to a regular octave, "You look beautiful as you are, regardless of what anyone tells you." I was seething. I couldn't believe the mans audacity.

He had fire in his eyes. "You give me your name now." He demanded angrily. I smiled both out of fear and disbelief.

"You said you weren't interested in who I was, and I'm quite frankly, okay with that." I shot back bluntly. "It's of no concern of yours."

"I am interested in having whatever PR or management firm who is responsible for you, terminate your employment." He said as if that should have scared me. I knew he was just as angry as I was.

I laughed and shook my head at the pig's idiocy. "Yeah." I rolled my eyes, "Good luck with that." I turned back to Janet completely ignoring him, "Would you like to come back up to the suite with me?" I asked her gently, placing a hand on her arm.

Joseph grabbed at her elbow, to pull her away, but Janet flinched away from him. "You get upstairs now!" I knew his anger was only directed at her because he could tell that I wasn't really very scared of him. "Or else-"

"What?" I demanded to know impatiently, "Or else what? What are you gonna do, Joe? Whip her?" I asked him mockingly, "You've upset your little girl and now you're threatening her? Why don't you just go and fucking find something to do?" I rose my voice at him. "Go ask the boys if they have some luggage to move or some fan mail that needs answering." I rolled my eyes.

He was infuriated. He made a few dense efforts to call Janet to stay, but she and I both ignored them.

I dug in to my pocket and pulled out some cash that would cover the cost of Janet and my lunch and left it on the table and slammed it against the table, before I whisked Janet away. That guy was bullshit and there was no fucking way in the world that I was ever going to let him order anyone that I loved and cared about around. Primarily, by that I meant Michael, but Janet was the world to him and so it included her as well. We went right up to Michael and my room without saying a word. I had my arm around her and I could tell she was scared and upset over what had just taken place.

**

Once I closed the door behind us, she really let loose on her tears and continually apologized. I felt terrible. I enveloped her in a cuddle. "It's not your fault, sweetheart." I told her. "I'm sorry if I upset you by getting angry with him, but I couldn't help it..."

She said nothing and tried to calm herself down. "You know, Janet, your Dad was wrong." I consoled her. "You're only seventeen. You can eat whatever you want, it's not like you're lazy and don't do anything at all and continue gaining weight."

"Joseph is going to kill me for not going back with him." She sniffed as I rubbed her shoulder.

"He won't. I promise. Michael and I will make sure nothing happens." She looked up at me and stared for a few moments, I guess she was trying to determine whether or not I was making thinly veiled vow, but I wasn't. I wasn't about to let anything happen to her because of my hot head. She seemed to believe me.

She sat cross-legged on our unmade bed. "I don't know why he's like that, but he hates me so much... And then he apologizes and he's nice for a day or something and then just goes back to normal again." She sighed.

"He doesn't hate you, Janet, he just doesn't like anything that's not within his control." I felt like I was able to relate to her. I gave her shoulder a squeeze, "he'll get over it, I promise. In fact, he's probably so embarrassed by being stood up to, that he'll never mention it again."

"I've never seen anyone stand up to Joseph like that." She confessed after a moment. She gave a little smile. I laughed. It hadn't been easy, in fact after we had walked away I half expected me to grab me from behind. I had been really shaken-up at first. I was calming down along with Janet. "Thanks..."

"That's okay, babe." I replied.

Janet got up, "I think I'm just going to wash up in the bathroom." She informed me.

"Go for it." I watched after her, "I'll get us both a drink." I sat for a moment and exhaled a deep sigh. Talk about dramas. I only hoped that I would get to Michael with what had really happened before his father figured out who I was and then took it out on him.

**

Janet and I exchanged excited smiles as the lights of the arena dimmed. We had had quite a bonding afternoon. She was fun company and the afternoon's events with Joseph seemed to make us very comfortable with one another, really quickly. Who'd have thought that it would have taken the family prick to help me make friends with Michael's little sister.

The music began to play and strobe lights began shooting back and forth. I couldn't sit still. Michael made sure we had the best seats. We were sitting in the middle of front row in a reserved seating section. Katherine told us to go on ahead and sit wherever we wanted, but Sarah, Michael's manager had come to show Janet and I where to sit. It was the first time I had met her. I was surprised, for some reason I had expected Sarah to be young and beautiful -- but she was neither. I couldn't help but to feel a little bit glad about that.

I was fidgeting around, bursting on the insides because I couldn't wait to see my beautiful man come to life on stage. Janet promised me that watching her big brother perform was probably going to be one of the coolest things I would ever experience. I hadn't really ever paid a lot of attention to Michael dancing, and the only time I'd ever watched him on TV was when he'd performed on the Motown 25 anniversary show, and that was only because there had been such a hurruh about it, I couldn't really escape it.

The curtains opened and the music began to thump with the bass so full that I could feel it beneath my feet and it almost took my breath away. Everyone around us began to get up to their feet and clapped and screamed and cheered excitedly. Janet sprung up, and grabbed my hand to pull me up as well. There was no way I was going to pretend I was too cool for school, I clapped and cheered along with the best of them. I looked around to the front of the mosh pit and shook my head in amazement. Low and behold there were the hardcore fans. The ones who wore every piece of Jacksons merchandise. Bracelets, caps, t shirts -- the held banners proclaiming their love for their favourite Jackson -- usually Michael. It was so surreal. Some girls were crying, screaming and shaking. I was stunned at the effect the boys managed to have over them.

I peeled my eyes away and turned back to the stage as the curtains opened. I could only count five Jackson's on stage as the dark stage lit up. Tito was on the guitar, Jermaine on the bass, Randy had a bloody tambourine ... they were really kind of stretching the limits of talent, I thought with a smirk. I guessed that wasn't very fair, not everyone could be as perfect as Michael. Jackie and Marlon were standing in front of the mic stands. "Where's Michael????" I questioned Janet as if she would know.

"Michael always comes out last, it builds up the crowd's anticipation." She replied. I smiled. He always loved to cause excitement when it came to his career. It was working. The crowd roared louder and I felt like I was going to spontaneously combust if he didn't arrive on that stage within the next minute.

Randy began singing the beginning of Can You Feel It. I looked around anxiously for Michael, but he still hadn't come out yet. I had heard Can You Feel It, many times, and so I knew roughly where it was Michael's cue to sing. Suddenly a light shone from the side of the stage and he came jogging to the middle, about a meter before me. "All the brothers of the world should be! Lovin' each other, whole-heartedly. Yes it's al-riiiight"

Okay, so I was a little bit dumb-struck as my very own boyfriend at a reachable distance before me, singing and dancing with perfect sound and such fluidity like it was nobodies business. I'm sure my jaw had hit the floor, and I wasn't really that able to move. I was captivated by him, and he hadn't even made any eye contact with me. "Take your message to your brother and tell it twice. Spread the word and try to teach the man, who's hating his brother when hate won't do!"

I felt a little bit shaky and a smile slowly made it's way to my lips as I began to gain feeling back in to my hands and my motor skills returned. He lowered his eyes down to me and we caught contact for a brief moment. My smile broadened and my cheeks hurt. I was so frigging proud of him. He pranced about in his white slacks and glittery capped shirt. The finishing accessory made me laugh, a little red bow at the neck of his shirt. His hair was all slicked back, but from where I was standing, I could see that he was already sweating and overheating under the stage lights.

He looked beautiful. He was wearing a lot of stage make up, but it didn't matter, he was still perfect. He sang his ass off, and his voice just sounded perfect -- I wasn't sure that there was another word for him.

It was fantastic as I looked around to see the entire arena on their feet cheering and clapping, screaming and going nuts. The fans at the front were the craziest. I caught glimpse of an event manager carrying away someone who had fainted. I couldn't help but to feel a bit bad, knowing that someone who clearly loved The Jacksons was going to miss out on the rest of the show.

Michael made eye contact with me a lot and at one point gave me a tiny little wave. I knew the diehards would have caught it. It made me feel endlessly special. Janet nudged me and grinned, as if to reaffirm that his attention had been fully directed at me. I wanted to, quite frankly, giggle like a school girl.

The concert was a lot of fun and even though the other brothers were good at what they were doing, my only real interest was Michael. I didn't pay too much attention to anything else. We sat down during the ballads and both Janet and I weren't afraid to get up and have fun during the fast songs. I didn't know all the words to each, but I liked all of them. Part of the deal of Michael touring was that he would get the chance to do his own set and I was happy about that.

There was a song on Off The Wall that I had really loved and when I heard the beginning music, I smiled with happiness. I had chosen two songs from both of his solo albums as my favourite Michael Jackson songs, and it was She's Out Of My Life and Lady Of My Life. The latter was one that he had also chosen as one of his favourites and had confided in me once, that if he had to ever pick a song to dedicate to me, that would be have been the one. Naturally the song was close to my heart wheras She's Out Of My Life was just a ballad that I really felt was a beautiful song.

"Can I come down there?" Michael asked the crowd as he glided around the stage, putting all of himself in to the song. Janet nudged me again, "He picks a fan to dance with him at this part..." She informed me. I couldn't help but to smile. He looked around the mosh pit, looking to find some rabidly excited fan girl from the front row. He blew kisses and waved but kept walking. He stopped before me and held out his hand. At first I thought he waiting for someone behind me, but no. Before I knew it a burly event manager hoisted me up on to the stage. And boy, didn't I feel fuckin' stupid?

I almost tripped over my own feet as Michael waited patiently for me to find my bearings. He took my hand and lead me back on to the stage. The whole time he didn't stop singing. I followed with trepidation, a stupid ridiculous fuckin' smile adorning my mouth, although he too was grinning like mad despite the sad song. He opened his arms. I wasn't sure if I should have been acting as a fan, or what to do. I decided just to follow lead, but I hated him for a brief moment, especially when I did the dumbest fuckin' thing in the world by looking in to the audience. For miles around all I could see was a sea of faces, people cheering, crying. I'd never felt more claustrophobic in my life.

I felt sick. I felt giddy. I felt faint. My knees wobbled and were about to give way beneath me. Immediately I felt his arms around my waist, keeping my legs from giving way. He swayed me gently and held me close to him as he sang the next few lines of the song. I closed my eyes and tried to pretend that there weren't a hundred thousand odd people staring at us, thinking of me as just some lucky fan. With my head against his chest I could feel the vibrations of his voice pouring out in to the microphone and I'd never felt more at home. He kept an arm around me, his hand flat against my waist as I savoured the moment of being on stage with him. As long as my eyes remained closed and I didn't look to the audience, I was okay.

There was a brief instrumental where Michael took a step away, breaking our embrace. We both shared the happiest, biggest grins. "I am going to kill you for this!" I threatened him, despite my bright eyes and huge grin.

He laughed at me, "I love you." He said loudly in to my ear, pulling me close again. We hugged. I wanted to kiss him, but I didn't think it was appropriate in front of the world. He felt his hand find mine by my side and he danced with me, twirling me twice, where each time I got a glimpse of the crowd. I talked myself in to believing that they weren't real. Michael drew me back in close to him and lifted my chin with his fingers. "I always dreamed of the day I'd get to show you off to the world." He said.

That was all he needed to say. My eyes became glassy and they threatened to spill over. I loved him so much. I could see the security guard coming toward him, as if to escort me away, but he waved him away and clutched on to my hand. "Damned indescision and cursed pride, I kept my love for her... locked deep inside, and it cuts like a knife...." He didn't continue the next line. I knew why. It was because I wasn't out of his life. I was very much in his life and if I had the control, it wasn't ever going to change.

Before the crowd, he leaned forward and pressed his lips against mine. All around us were delighted screaming and shouting and cheering. I'd never heard a crowd roar so loudly. I almost wanted to put my hands over my ears. We heard a few boos from the fans at the front of the mosh pit, but I didn't care. I kissed him back and made no effort of breaking it before he did. He embraced me, and we were putting on quite the show, but I had pretty much blocked them out for the most part. I felt his tongue in my mouth and his body shuddered slightly from his own chuckling. He probably couldn't even believe his own behavior. I never too Michael to be the type for public displays, but apparently I was wrong.

I pulled away first and we laughed together. I shook my head in amused amazement. I definitely had starry eyes. He just looked so stunning and the way he guided me around that stage, taking care of me, holding me around the waist to keep me from passing out from sheer stage fright -- and then showing me off. "I love you." He repeated.

"I love you too." I told him shakily, as his hand slipped down my arm until it found mine. He kissed me again on the temple. I felt a couple of tears escaping my eyes. I was so overwhelmed, and felt just a little bit silly since I'm sure there were many who were so jealous at that point that they wanted to shoot me in the eye. The music stopped and I supposed that was my cue to leave. I went to let go as the stage went pitch black. "Wait..." He said, stopping me from going with the guard who was waiting for me.

"What?"

"Just wait a sec, baby..." He held out his hand and waited once more for the stage lights to come back on. I felt so retarded, standing next to the star of the show. I glanced around at his brothers who all watched me. I picked the one leering at me to be Jermaine. One of them who I suspected was Marlon gave me a smile of encouragement and I began to realize that whatever was happening now, was all planned preshow.

Michael's voice seemed softer on stage, but I gathered that was probably because he found less confidence speaking so publicly. He gripped my hand tightly within his and I knew that he was nervous. I didn't know what was about to happen, but I felt him squeeze mine tighter, as if to give me a signal. "Before my brother's and I go on..." Michael began with a smile. "I wanted to introduce someone really special."

I was so stupid. I began looking around, waiting for someone to come on stage, perhaps a celebrity, someone to duet with -- anyone.

"Ladies and gentleman...." I glanced back to the front and blurred my eyes over the crowd. I felt a little more calm about looking out around the arena. I had convinced myself that there was a way out, it just wasn't necessarily in front of me. "This is my girlfriend, Jade. This is also her first time coming to a Jackson's concert and definitely the first time she has ever been on stage like this..."

I let go of my his hand and clapped my hands over my face with pure embarrassment. I was mortified with every pair of eyes looking at me. Part of me wanted to kill him for not having discussed with me previously and the other part of me wanted to just smother him with kisses for being the sweetest boyfriend in the entire world.

**

I laughed at Jade, I found her embarrassment to be particularly endearing. I shook my head with amazement as I watched her beautiful face turn bright red. Loud cheering took over the arena as I hugged her close to me. "I fell in love with this gorgeous girl almost a year ago and it was love at first sight -- and ever since I have been waiting for the most perfect time to share her with the world -- my family, my friends ..." I pointed down to the front mosh pit, "and my wonderful and understanding fans." I knew if I said that, they'd be less likely to want to hate her.

She stood dumbly, tears glistening in her eyes as she looked at me with such adoration. I was so enamored by her. I pulled her close to me and kissed her. "I love you." I told her.

She couldn't really speak, she just embraced me. I knew she was too overwhelmed to say anything. "And I love you all." That was my indication to shut off the stage lights. I walked with Jade to the side wing. "I'll see you after, okay?" I whispered. She nodded through her smiling tears.

"I love you." She replied, as the security guard showed her back to her seat.

I was on such a fucking high. The rest of the show was about to go off. I could feel it in my bones, I had so much pent up excitement and energy that this audience was about to get the best show of their lives -- of my life.

As I went to walk back on stage I caught a glimpse of my father standing in the wings. He glared at me with such disdain that I actually gulped. I didn't look away first though, I wasn't about to give him that justice. Instead I raised my eyebrow in a "yeah, what?" kinda way. I knew he could never have been angrier if he tried. I knew he was going to lay in to me about it all right after the show. He was going to tell me that my career was as good as dead, that girls weren't nothing but trouble -- but none of that mattered. If people began to hate me or liked me less because I was in a relationship, then that didn't bother me. My music really spoke for itself.

"Joseph actually wants to kill you." Randy laughed as he walked past me to take his spot.

"I don't give a damn what Joseph wants. This is my career." I replied, embittered, Not that sorry ass', I wanted to add, but I refrained. I wasn't about to let anyone ruin this for me though -- this was one of the most exciting times of my life. It was the first step to something much, much bigger.

Chapter 27

We went separately back to the hotel. I had to stay around with my brothers to do promotional things. I had to meet fans who had won competitions and hang out backstage for awhile. It was so awesome for me to see Janet and Jade walking close together, sharing big smiles and talking about the show. I could tell just by the way my baby sister was interacting that she had lost her shyness, and come out of her shell completely. It was an indication that she felt completely comfortable. It was great, that's exactly what I had hoped for.

I turned my attention from Jade and Jan and glanced back to the fan who was before me. She was talking to me in broken-english about my concert and I hadn't been listening. It was hard sometimes when over-excited and emotional fans tried to pour out their hearts, especially when I had difficulties understanding what they were trying to convey. Mostly it came in the form of tears, and I was good at consoling. I usually hugged them and told them I loved them. It was true, I really did love each one of my fans. They were all so special and it was overwhelming to know just how high of a pedestal they placed me on.

The girl before me was crying, tears falling down her face. She shook as she took her pen back from me and the record that I had signed. "Thank you." I repeated a few times, having not much of a clue what she was trying to say. I pulled her near as she professed her love for me. "I love you more." I replied, giving her a little squeeze as we exchanged goodbyes and the security guard escorted them over to my brothers. While we waited for other fans to come through, I held up my hand to Marlon to signal for him to cover me for a second as I wanted to go say a fast hi to my little sister who I hadn't seen in months.

She had her back to me and was facing Jade, and they were giggling about something. I lifted her up from behind -- damn she was getting heavy. "Hey!!" She whirled around excitedly and flung her arms around me. "I missed youuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!" She exclaimed.

I grinned at Jade as I hugged my sister tightly. "I missed you too, kiddo. It's good to see you. Did you have an okay flight out?" I asked her. She nodded as I pulled away. "Good." Man, I hadn't seen her since before I went on tour, and even though it hadn't been a long time, she seemed to have gotten taller and looked possibly a little bit older. "You look gorgeous." I complimented her. "You both do." I added, glancing at Jade, who was waiting patiently.

"Thanks." Janet blushed a little. I put my arm around my little sis and leaned in to give Jade a brief kiss on the lips.

"You both look like you're getting along well." I remarked.

"Your sister is pretty darn cool, Michael." Jade smiled. "We've had a great time today, haven't we?"

Janet nodded. I was happy with that answer. "Did you both enjoy the show?" I smirked, knowing how embarrassed and overwhelmed Jade had been over the whole thing.

"You were brilliant, Michael. Brilliant." She smiled at me. I felt humbled by her compliment and kissed her in thanks. "I'm glad you enjoyed it. How'd you like being a star?"

"Yeah, we'll talk about that later." She kinda chuckled. "I coulda did without it. I nearly vomited on your shoes."

Janet and I laughed. "Listen, I gotta go and finish signing and hanging out for a bit, but I won't be back too long after you guys, so hang out and I'll be back." I turned to my little sister, "Are you with Mom and Dad or do you have your own room?" I asked.

"My own." She replied.

"Okay, well come hang out at ours, and I'll meet you both after, okay?"

We said goodbyes. Just as I was about to hug Jade, Joseph walked past. "Your fans are waiting." He informed me angrily. I glared at him and noticed that Jade did too. Oh boy, if looks could kill. I ignored him completely and gave her a hug and a kiss. "Love you."

"Love you too." She replied. I kissed Janet on the top of the head. "See you guys."

***

As I was getting in to our tour van that was going to be taking us back to the hotel, Joseph grabbed me. "I want a word." He said vehemently. I drew in a deep breath and wiped my face with the towel that was hanging over my shoulder. I had been waiting for this moment. I said nothing and stood aside, letting the rest of the guys get in. I followed Joseph to the backstage area.

"What the fuck was that tonight?" He demanded to know, glaring at me with his icy eyes. I felt nothing, to be honest. I expected to feel nervous or even fearful of my father, but for once he had no control over me. He had no control over how in love I was with Jade. He couldn't stop it, he couldn't force her to love me any less. He couldn't force her to go home back to California, because for the first time he had absolutely no say over my career. I was an adult, a man, with his own career, his own success. Joseph had no pull on it anymore.

I still found it hard to look him in the eye, but I tried my darndest. "What are you talking about?"

"Boy, don't you fuckin' sass me." He rose his voice. For some reason I had a strong urge to laugh. Here I was, a grown ass twenty five, soon to be twenty six year old man and my father was still ordering me not to sass him. He had no idea.

"I'm not ... sassing you, Joseph, I just don't know what you're talking about." I replied, restraining my laughter. I knew if I had of laughed, there would have been a good chance of people witnessing post-show entertainment: Michael Jackson; Airborn.

"That girl, who the hell is she? I bet she thinks she's so fucking bright for undermining me today. You better keep her in check boy, she's gonna ruin your career."

I was confused, I had no idea what he was talking about. "Undermining you? What are you talking about? She's my girlfriend, and I know that you know about her. I'm tired of pretending that I'm going to be single and unattainable for the rest of my life." I explained. "I'm not playing that game no more, Joe."

"You're making the biggest mistake of your life!" he told me as if it were a threat. "You mark my words, Michael, she will ruin you!"

I shook my head and shrugged, there was no other way to really respond to such an impossible man. "I'll learn to live with it, cause she's not going anywhere." I shot back, "I'm going to marry her." I added with a certain defiance in my tone that I wasn't about to allow him to make me feel bad about.

Joseph glared at me as if he had just swallowed poison. He said nothing and shook his head in disgust as he walked away. I couldn't help but chuckle to myself as I made my way back to the van. The guys were waiting on me, and I couldn't wait to get back to the hotel and hang out with Janet and Jade.

**

"Michael! You should have seen her." Janet reinacted the whole thing. I glanced at Jade who was blushing. Janet stood before me, "She was all; 'Why don't you ask the boys if they've got some luggage to move or some some fan mail that needs replying to.' And you should have seen his face, Michael!" Janet tugged at my arm, "It was like this...." She made a face and I couldn't hold it in anymore, I burst out laughing. I was shocked. My little sister was telling me what had happened at lunch. Jade, was clearly embarrassed and a little worried as to how I might react, but I thought it was hilarious. Obviously she had become quite a hero to Janet, and that was fine by me.

"Are you kidding?" I exclaimed, "Oh God, that must have been why he told me after the show that you had undermined him." I laughed, holding my stomach. I put an arm around her, "You deserve a medal. Very few people have ever stood up to my father like that before."

She didn't seem proud of it. "He said that?" She made a face, "No offense guys, but your father isn't really a full picture... Especially not after the way that he spoke to Janet..."

That's true, I thought. I wondered what had been said, cause Janet didn't really go in to that. I didn't really want to ask, because I could only imagine it had been humiliating. Dad always picked the most humiliating things to do to us. I didn't want to have to make her relive it. "Well good. He deserved it then. Good for you."

We hung out for awhile and I could tell that Jade was really fond of my little sister and vice versa. That made me so happy. We had ordered room service and Janet had commented on how my eating habits had changed. It made me laugh, since just about everyone who spent time with me had made a comment about that. I always blamed Jade. Though, it wasn't Jade's fault. I really believed that I was purely self conscious before I met her - I was scared about the way I looked, I wanted to make sure I never let myself go - that people would never talk about me badly. Now that Jade was in my life, I was particularly comfortable with myself. I didn't care what anyone else really thought of me, as long as Jade accepted and loved me as I was. I could afford to put on weight, it wasn't like I was big.

On the front of a gossip magazine in England during the tour, I had spotted a series of before and after photographs of me. They had claimed that I'd gained 15lbs on an eating binge. Instead of getting upset and making the decision to lose weight as I would have pre-Jade, I was able to laugh and show my brothers and when I ordered a hamburger for dinner later that evening, I didn't feel at all sorry.

After concerts, I was always on such a high. There was so much adrenaline and energy coursing through me that I found it really hard to wind down. It was already past one am and I still felt wide-awake. I was sitting on the floor of the room, leaning against the wall eating potato chips, sharing them with whoever wanted. We'd had a couple of direct phone calls come through from journalists wanting to know more about Jade. This was a little bit exciting but also a little bit frightening. I'd never made any part of my private life very public, and this had been a very bold, though carefully planned move on my behalf.

I had spoken extensively to Jade's Dad about the decision to say something while bringing her on stage. I had actually considered proposing to her, but I knew that perhaps that was going a little bit too far since being under the limelight was hard enough and overwhelming enough. I wanted her acceptance to my proposal to have been given whole-heartedly, not by being put on the spot in front of a hundred thousand people. I also wanted my proposal to be perfect, to be followed or lead by the most romantic and beautiful night of both of our lives.

I had made the decision not to initiate sex with Jade. I wanted her so much that it hurt sometimes, but when we had first met she had expressed the desire to wait til she was married -- I didn't really want her to let go of her morals and beliefs just because she was in love with me. I knew ideally she still held on to them, but I also knew how willing she was to compromise. I didn't want her compromise, I wanted her to never have any regrets. I didn't know how long it would be ‘til we married, but I knew that we were both fully committed to each other and hopefully sooner rather than later that was going to be cemented by the seal of our vows.

I had talked very frankly to her father the night before she arrived about my plans to marry her. I had expressed an interest in giving her the most beautiful cindarella wedding that she dreamed of. I had a feeling Jade would try to deny that she wanted all of that and her father agreed with me -- what I did know though, that deep down beneath all of her hype and her sometimes hardened exterior, was the princess that longed to break out.

Jade's Dad knew just how deeply I felt for her and how much I cared about everything that had any importance to her. He fully supported my idea to announce that I had a girlfriend. I had warned him of the ramifications it could cause their family, but he didn't care. There was nothing, he told me, that could come back to haunt anyone. Jade's family was small and quite boring, he put it. I wasn't sure though, I never underestimated the media, they always found things to dig up -- and if they couldn't find something? They just made it up.

"What are you thinking about?" Jade asked, running her fingers through my hair, scooting over to get some potato chips. "You went very quiet..." I glanced at her sitting beside me and gave her a smile. I didn't really want to show a public display in front of my easily impressed-upon sister, so I just took her hand.

"You." I replied.

She returned my smile and didn't say anything.

"And how much I love you." I added in a small voice so as Janet didn't hear. I didn't want to gross her 17-year-old, cooties-believing self out.

It was a bit of a strange awkward moment there as we both knew there were things we wanted to say that couldn't have been said or conveyed while we had company. That was okay, there was plenty of time to talk later. I didn't begrudge my sister for being there at all. It was probably better that she was, with all the energy left over from the concert, I was afraid my mind might talk me in to expending it in the ways that I had just decided I wasn't going to.

Jade broke our gaze first and got up from next to me to go refill our drinks.

A knock at the suite door interrupted my gooey thoughts. I got up, thinking it was probably Mom to come and get Janet to make her go to bed. It wasn't though, it was Marlon. He was bored, he was also looking animated and spritely. He hadn't yet met Jade formally and had only greeted our sister briefly, so I was happy to let him in. "What are the rest of the guys doing?" I wanted to know.

He raised an eyebrow at me as if he couldn't have believed my naivity. "Fans." He replied simply.

I made a face. Some things were never going to change. Marlon and I were the only two out of my brothers that didn't ever sleep with fans. Marlon had a fiance and a baby on the way. He, like me, wanted no part in their dirty games with the people that loved and cared for us. "Come on in, we're just ordering up loads of room service, pigging out and watching TV."

"Sounds good to me." Marlon walked ahead of me in to the living area of our suite.

**

Marlon seemed like a reasonable kind of guy. He was polite to me and seemed a bit quiet and possibly as shy as Michael. I didn't know that he and Michael were particularly close, but were probably got along better than he and the rest of his brothers. At least with Marlon there, it didn't feel so odd to steal Michael's attention for more than a few seconds at a time. I wanted to be alone with him so much, just so we could talk about the evening. I felt like Michael was giving me strange vibes since we'd arrived back. He seemed stand-offish. Each time I touched his hand or put an arm around him, he seemed to either jump or just pull away. I put it down to the fact that he was on a very good behavior in front of his siblings, which I respected but I just found it odd that he didn't seem to want to express any affection at all. I wanted to tell him all about my altercation with Joseph and I wanted to share with him how much I had enjoyed the show. I tried not to be too selfish because I knew that he was really enjoying the time with his brother and sister as well.

"What did Dad say to you when he pulled you aside?" Marlon asked Michael who had taken up residence beside me in the couch. From the look Michael had shot his brother, I could tell something had happened that he didn't wish for me to know about.

"Um...nothing." Michael shrugged, "He just wanted a word about the show." The rest of us knew that was such a load of shit. As I went backstage after being on with him, I had passed Joseph who had tried to stare me down with his evil eyes, but it hadn't worked. It certainly had nothing to do with Michael pulling me up on stage and quite frankly, I was a little annoyed with him about it myself. I wasn't ungrateful at all, the moment on stage between us had been perfect. It was so exciting and overwhelming and was so much fun -- but something that Michael had promised me awhile back gnawed at me.

There was an air of discomfort following his answer, but Janet cleared it. I had noticed her, sitting on the floor with her eyes growing heavy. "I think I'm going to turn in, guys, I'm tired."

Michael seemed disappointed. "Okay kid." He gave her a sympathetic smile. "If Dad gives you any grief, we're just down the hall.We'll call super Jade to the rescue."

The three of us laughed. Janet hugged her brother tightly. "It's good to see you again, Mike. I missed you." She told him. He smiled, embracing her back. It was probably safe to say that out of all his siblings, Janet was his favourite. "I missed you too." He gave her a kiss on the forehead. "Sweet dreams, ok?"

Janet gave me a hug as well and then turned a little awkwardly to her other brother. Something told me by their uncomfortable interaction, that she wasn't close with Marlon at all. "Goodnight Marlon."

"Goodnight darlin'." He replied, taking the first step toward hugging her. She seemed surprised, but never-the-less obliged. She gave us a wave and headed out. Marlon decided he should also follow suit. We all said our goodnights. In photos Marlon always reminded me of a young Lionel Richie, and now that he was before me in person, the likeness seemed so uncanny that I kind of wanted to laugh and share it with them -- but I decided that I probably didn't know him well enough yet.

"Nice to finally meet you Jade." He said sweetly, "It's nice to see my little brother all hooked up." I gave a forced smile. I didn't know exactly how to take that. Michael was smiling too. Marlon kissed me on the cheek and patted his brother on the back before leaving us alone to our suite.

**

There was silence between us, a lot of energy, I had to admit. I didn't want to get too comfortable because I hadn't had the chance after the show to have a proper shower and I was afraid I was probably starting to smell. I had freshened up and obviously changed in to nice, comfortable clothes, but it wasn't going to cut it. I was starting to feel fatigue setting in. The good thing was, was that I had the next day off. I couldn't wait to lie in with Jade all morning and spend the day with her. We'd had practically no time alone since she had arrived, but I guessed that was how hectic my schedule was. We both had to just accept that that was the way it was.

Part of me wanted to gently push her against the wall and start peeling her clothes off, but the other part of me thought with my superior intellect, the mind upstairs. Instead I breathed a sigh of relief. "Alone at last..." I remarked. There was a certain discomfort in the air that I'd mistaken at first for sexual tension, but I felt kind of aware there was more to it.

She smiled sweetly at me, convincing me that my instincts were that of paranoia. I cherished the innocent look she always gave me. It was shy, and endearing, as if she were unsure of what to tell me. She was absolutely adorable. I stepped toward her and raked my fingers through her straight dark hair that had grown so much. I liked it better this way, but I'd always had a thing for longer hair. I pushed it over her shoulders and planted a kiss upon her lips. She tilted her head back, so that we met together more comfortably. I wasn't too tall, but I was a fair bit taller than Jade. I liked petite girls, that was no secret. When I thought of Brooke, I always had to laugh -- it was almost like I'd wedged a crayon up my nose, blocking vital oxygen, because that girl totally wasn't my style at all.

She wanted to turn the kiss in to more, but I didn't have the power to keep anything from escalating that night. My energy was too pent up -- instead I pulled away. "I'm sorry baby..." I apologized, "I'm really tired... I smell, I need a shower..."

She looked a little disappointed, so I turned away. I had to remind myself over again why I was waiting. I thought of what it looked like outside of our hotel window. Dirty, smoggy, humid air-- beggars, pollution, a city so dirty that we couldn't even see the stars. I wanted to be with Jade in a beautiful place. I wanted us to be able to look at the stars, I wanted her to enjoy her surroundings and have the experience of making love to the fullest extent -- not as in a first time on a hotel bed. There was nothing fun or spontaneous about that. "Did you enjoy yourself tonight?" I asked, changing the subject. I eyed her tapered jeans snuggly fitting her backside as she turned to walk away from me. Great ass, I thought.

I realized perhaps I'd hurt her feelings with my rejection.

"Yeah sure it was great." She answered.

I followed after her, sliding my hands around her waist. "Are you upset with me?" I wondered, resting my chin on her shoulder. I felt her sigh.

She went to pry my hands from the front of her stomach. "No..." I knew it was a lie from the way she was trying to escape me. I nuzzled my nose in to her neck and blew a raspberry, hoping to make her laugh.

"Don't, Michael..." I let her go and watched her wipe her neck, staring at me with irate.

"What's wrong?" I asked. She continued to stare at me defiantly. She wasn't about to explain herself. I didn't want to have an argument the second we were left alone. "If I did something to piss you off, then say it." I urged her.

"Nevermind, it's nothing." She finally replied, her icy eyes melted as she lowered them and headed to our bedroom. I followed after her. She sat on the bed and folded up clothes that she'd left on the bed in the morning. I sat beside her.

"Are you made because I ended our kiss back there and said I needed a shower?" I asked boldly. I knew very well that that was exactly what it was about. "Cause I'm sorry if it is."

"No, Michael... It's just--" I gently took the clothes out of her hands and put them in to the suitcase so that I could have her full attention. Whenever she was upset, she found it hard to be direct, so she needed something to distract her. I didn't like that, it made it all less sincere and personal. I tried my best to stop her from doing it so that she could allow herself to be more honest.

"What?" I prompted her.

"I just feel like you've been really standoffish with me--" She admitted. She wouldn't look me in the eye. "I just-- I don't know Michael, I've felt like you want me one minute and the next you don't--"

I swallowed a lump of guilt. It was true. I'd wanted her pretty badly when she had arrived the night before, but then we'd been interrupted. I was glad that she was being honest with me. I waited, thinking maybe there was something else. "And tonight -- you dragged me up on stage-"

I felt a bit hurt. I furrowed my brow and glanced at her. "What? You didn't enjoy that?"

She held her face in her hands, "I did, Michael it's just that -- I don't know how this is going to sound but-- we agreed that before we went about public, we were going to talk to my parents -- and I'm just nervous about-"

I smiled at her. I admired that she was so concerned over how our relationship could affect her family. I kissed the top of her head. "I talked to your Dad about it already, baby." I admitted. "I would never have just done that with no regard for them. He told me to go right ahead and that he was happy for me to flaunt his beautiful darling girl off."

Jade looked up at me, a little surprised. "What?"

I didn't say anything and waited for another response. Her eyes glistened a little. I knew she was probably jet-lagged and tired, so it would have been adding to her emotions. I saw her sigh with relief. "Really? You talked to him?"

I nodded, "Of course I did. I'm a man of my word." I encircled my arms around her, and pulled her inward toward my body. I gave her a moment to process it.

"I'm sorry." She apologized, feeling a little silly. I shook my head and told her that it was okay. In hindsight, I probably should have warned her. "I know you just wanted to surprise me and you love me, Michael, I know that -- I was just taken really off guard. I'm not sure how I do at surprises."

"Don't be sorry, baby." I shook my head, "I just wanted you to have an experience to tell the kids about." I smiled at her to let her know that it was okay. I wasn't upset. When we had been on stage together, I knew she enjoyed it, I know it was right and we were both as excited as one another. She had every right to feel so concerned. "And as for the push-pull thing--" I paused, "I'm not sure if you've realised..." I began to explain, running my fingers through her beautiful hair again. "But, you're smokin' hot."

Jade laughed and gave me a playful shove. "Shut up..."

"Seriously." I told her seriously with a little smile. "You're so beautiful, Jade... I love you so much, really." I caressed her shoulder, "It's hard for me to just keep my hands off you sometimes..." I admitted, "And I don't want to be all over you because although it might feel good, right now doesn't really feel right." It was hard for me to say that, when my body was telling me otherwise. "I got really carried away last night and I want it to be different, I don't want us to rush things and to be all over each other just because we haven't seen one another in awhile. It's gotta be perfect."

Slowly a smile began to form on her lips. "It doesn't have to be perfect, though, Michael...Don't you ever think that maybe we're talking up this experience to be some huge production, and when we finally do it, it'll just be a let down?"

I chuckled at her cynicism that was she showed so rarely these days, "No..." I replied honestly. "Cause I love you and you love me and sharing our first experiences together is going to be so special." I knew if any of my brothers had ever heard me talk like that, sincere from the heart, honestly telling Jade how I felt, they'd probably think I was a sissy. Hey, who knew? Maybe I was. All I knew is, I wanted my girl to have the best of me. I wanted her to be able to have the joy of looking back fondly of our first time and to think that it could never have been any better, that she never had a single regret of giving her whole self to me.

She hugged me back, and I felt as if a weight had been lifted from us. I hated to feel any kind of tension between us. "I'm sorry honey. I know you have a lot of stress on tour right now. I didn't really want it to become an issue."

I shook my head. "I always want you to tell me if something's wrong. Don't worry if I seem stressed, it has nothing at all to do with you." I added. It was true, I probably did act a bit different on tour. It was hard, I had a lot to consider. I had to worry constantly about fans, being jet-lagged, putting on a good show, keeping the peace with my family and we hardly ever got a break.

We sat for a few moments in silence, glad that we'd put the misunderstanding to rest. "It was sweet of you to call my Dad, Michael." She told me, "And, even more great of you to want to bring me on stage. That was one of the coolest things I've ever done."

I laughed. I remembered how horrified she looked when I reached out my hand to her during She's Out Of My Life. She had been both mortified and delighted. Whenever I looked back on a concert, it seemed like a blur, like most exciting things that occured in one's life. Concerts were always so much fun, but they always seemed hazy afterwards, but I knew that the moments I shared with Jade would be forever etched in my mind. I remembered every detail, right down to how wonderful she smelled when I drew her in to my body as I held her steady. When her body pressed against mine as the song came to an end, I felt the beating of her heart against my chest. It was so strong and her hands had been trembling. For some reason, the stage was always responsible for that feeling.

"You looked so beautiful up there with me tonight, under the lights -- you kept your cool really well. Your face was priceless when I announced that I was introducing someone special."

Jade laughed. "I was looking around for someone..."

"Silly... As if there was anyone more special than you on that stage." I replied with a little laugh at how modest she really was. I gave her a lingering kiss on the lips. "I'm so glad you had a nice day."

"I did. Your little sister was precious. She's really funny." She told me. It was something I already knew. Janet had the greatest and most intelligent wit. "And Joe, telling her she was fat... I'm really sorry Michael." She apologized, "I know that normally I keep my mouth shut, but I don't know your father, and I already know from what you've told me and based on how he acted out today that I don't like him and I'm not going to take his shit."

Damn you're hot, I thought. "I don't expect you to, and actually I'm proud of you and I appreciate you sticking up for Jan. She's insecure enough about her weight without Joseph rubbing it in."

"I won't be rude and I don't want to cause conflict in your family, but I hope to God that you never ever let him speak to you or anyone else in your family like that."

I felt a bit guilty. I guess it was hard for us, Joseph had something over all of us, even if we were now all grown adults. It was a whole lot harder to just shut him down. "I'd never let him treat you or Janet badly." I replied. The rest of them could fend for themselves. I thought. I proceeded to tell her what he'd said to me backstage and we laughed about it.

I started to get ready for my shower and watched Jade pajamas out of her suitcase. I grabbed for her wrist and pulled her toward me. I embraced her warmly, feeling her arms circling around my waist. "I just wanted you to know that I am so, so endlessly happy that you are here now. I missed you so much and I'm so relieved that we're together again... face to face."

"I'm glad to hear you say that..." She grinned at me. "I'm relieved to be here as well. Just being here like this...." She paused, running her hands up to my shoulders, "in your arms... I realized how much I missed you. I hate not being around you."

I was content with her reply. "And you know what?" She added, "I am so proud of you-- you are so talented, Michael, I know you already know it and you hear it all the time, but you are just breathtaking to watch on stage, you have the most amazing gift in the world, and I can't even verbalise how special you are."

I felt my heart flutter and a lump forming in my throat. It was something I heard quite often, but it only ever came from fans and from the media -- it never actually came from anyone who was too special in my life. It never came from my parents, my siblings or my friends -- to hear it from Jade was just the most amazing thing in the world. "You wouldn't believe how much I need to hear that sometimes." I confessed. "It means the most coming from you. I know you'd never lie."

Jade smiled at me, noticing that her words had moved me. "Well it's true." She affirmed them. She kissed me softly. "Why don't you go have that shower?" She asked after our moment had passed. "We don't want to spend our entire day tomorrow, sleeping."

"Good idea." I replied, noticing it was almost three in the morning. With my body feeling a little more relaxed, I headed in to the bathroom to finally wind down properly for the rest of the night. And what a long night it had been.

Chapter 28

I woke up on our last day in Thailand feeling lethargic and dizzy. I didn't particularly feel like getting on a plane the next morning to go home, back to reality without Michael. In fact, that thought made me feel even worse. I had no idea what was going on with me, but I didn't make a big deal out of it. I wanted to enjoy the next twenty four hours with him, without a hitch. He had another concert later that evening, but he took a rain check on the rehearsals which didn't really please his brother's but we didn't care.

I put my illness down to the ridiculous sized bowl of ice cream we shared right before bed the night before. I glanced to Michael who was watching me. Sometimes he creeped me out with his staring. Often I'd wake up to his eyes gazing at me, studying my face. It was a bit unnerving, but also very sweet. He liked watching me sleep, it was something that made me want to run a mile when I first caught him, but I had since grown used to it. "Morning precious..." I smiled despite feeling like I couldn't really breathe properly. "Good Morning..." I replied in a croaky voice.

He kissed my forehead. I sat up slowly as I generally did when I first awoke. I got my bearings and went to use the bathroom. It was still early and we'd got to bed really late. I felt my heart pounding hard against my chest, but I put it down to a lack of sleep. I was still really tired and decided that I needed to sleep for longer. When I came out I found that Michael had taken the liberty in starting to make us both some toast. "Do you want honey or jelly? Or honey and jelly?" He wondered.

I didn't have the heart to say that I didn't feel like either. He'd commented on my weight loss and was going out of his way to make sure I was eating three square meals per day and snacking of course, in between. My eating habits hadn't changed at all since he'd left to go on tour, so he had no cause for concern. I knew if I told him I wasn't hungry though, he'd probably try to force feed me. "Honey..." I replied with a smile. It looked like I wasn't going to get more rest after all.

I stood behind him, my arms around his waist while he buttered the toast. He was always taking care of me, he'd learned to cook to impress me after his very first and embarrassing attempt, and he'd become a whole lot less messy since I had known him. I found all of those things to be so thoughtful. I had too, got a little more elaborate in the kitchen, I was more expressive with my emotions and my affection and made a concerted effort to be less cynical. He turned his head a little to kiss my cheek. "Thanks..." I added, appreciating that he was making breakfast for us.

"Welcome." He smiled. I leaned against him, making it more difficult for him to do what he was doing.

"Jadeypoo..." He began sweetly. I chuckled, knowing exactly what he was about to say, "As much as I love you, I can't really make our toast with you clinging to me like that..." I let go of him, rubbing his back with my hand as I stopped making a nuisance of myself. "Do you want to organise to do something today?" He wondered as I stood beside him, waiting for him to finish with my toast.

I wanted to say no, I wanted to tell him that I was feeling crap and wanted to spend the day in bed, but I couldn't. This was my last day with him. "Sure." I replied.

"Great... we'll eat breakfast and I'll call Sarah." He informed me. I took my plate and waited for him to join me on the couch in front of the television. There was nothing worth watching on, and mostly we couldn't understand it anyway. I took small bites, and felt as though I couldn't really digest it. I guess I hadn't really said a lot all morning, but Michael noticed and looked at me properly for the first time since I'd awoken.

"Are you okay this morning?" He paused. I saw his forehead crease with concern. He frowned. "Baby, are you okay? You're really pale..." He remarked. He cupped my cheek in his hand and stroked my temple with his thumb, "maybe you have a fever..."

I quickly shook my head, "I'm fine... I'm just not one hundred percent." I told him honestly, "But we can still go out, I'll be fine." I insisted.

He shook his head and looked at me as if I were crazy. "No way. You could be coming down with something." He said, worried. I felt guilty and pouted.

"This is our last day together... I don't want to waste it being sick." He wasn't hearing it. He got up disappeared in to our bedroom suite and returned minutes later with my robe. He draped it over my shoulders.

"Don't be silly." He said in reply. "We don't need to go outside to spend time with one another." He slinked an arm around me and took my plate, realising that I wasn't eating. He placed it carefully on the coffee table. "And there's something that I wanted to tell you..."

I expected bad news for some reason. I expected him to tell me something that was going to disappoint me, but he didn't seem to be getting ready to deliver any grim news. I grimaced as he went to get something and returned. He raised his hand to rake it through my hair and smiled at me. "I hope that you're okay with this, but ... we can change it if it's a problem." He handed me something which I briefly looked at.

I breathed in deeply, ignoring the slight palpitations in my chest. "Are you for real?" I asked in awe. Michael never ceased to amaze me through his thoughtful gestures, his ability to surprise and encourage me and the brilliant talent he had at cheering me up when I wasn't feeling so great. "You're taking me to Australia..." I breathed. It was true -- I had the plane ticket in my hand. It was my name clearly printed on it.

It was a place that always seemed like fiction to me, as if it were too far away to have actually truly existed. It was a place that Michael had told me so much about and had promised that one day he would take me there -- but I didn't expect it to be this time.

"Of course we're leaving tomorrow night--" He informed me, "But I don't want you traveling if you're ill, it'd be the worst thing you could do."

"I'll be fine." I promised him, "It's no big deal, Michael." I couldn't help grin despite how shit I felt. I was going to Australia with my boyfriend. Had a nice ring to it. "I can't wait, thank you so much." I told him as I read my name on the ticket that I held in my hands. "I love you."

"I bring you good things, don't I, lady?" He joked, pressing his lips against mine. "If you stick with me, the world will be yours..." He put his arm around me and pointed off in to the distance as if we were looking out over mountains. We both laughed at his silliness.

I leaned in close toward him, encircling my arm around his waist. "Seriously though, if you really are getting sick, you could just wait it out here with Mom until you feel better and fly out in a couple of days."

I shook my head. "No, I'll be fine. Quit worrying..." I advised him. I liked it though -- it made me feel special when he cared for me. Maybe I was getting a cold or something, but it wouldn't have mattered. I certainly didn't want to go to the doctors in a foreign country where I didn't speak the mother language.

"Well then let's just have a quiet night, and maybe you shouldn't come to the concert tonight." He suggested. I looked at him and pouted. It was probably the best idea. He chuckled, "Don't give me that face... I just don't want you to get sick. We don't even have our doctor out here, so you'd have to actually go to one..." He informed me, thinking what I already had.

"Okay, okay... so I'll stay back here tonight and sleep early." I relented. Michael caressed my cheek with his hand and kissed my forehead, happy that I had agreed.

**

I knew she was playing it down, but we'd arrived in Australia and she had barely been able to stay awake on the drive back to our motel from the Sydney airport. Of course could have put it all down to flying. We were all so jet-lagged and tired from our concert the night before, but that didn't really include Jade. I sat with her in silence as we drove through the traffic, which was extremely mild compared to Bangkok.

I gave a sigh. Maybe I was being overbaring. We had a slight argument on the flight from Thailand. Jade had accused me of overreacting, and coddling her without the need. She had said I was smothering her and she wanted me to stop worrying because she had felt fine. I loved her so much and maybe it was a sixth sense or something, but I just had a feeling that there was more to it.

We arrived at The Sheraton Hotel. It was nuts. We didn't expect the four hundred odd people, lining the street outside just waiting for us. It made me happy, but I was also just really tired. I hated it when my brother's disregarded our fans. I hated that they'd shrug them off, sign an autograph, act obnoxious and not even look them in the eye -- I made a vow never to do that to any of my fans, and when it came down to it, it was all a part of my job.

But God.... so tired, I thought.

Jade's dad, John had told us that our stage show had met national news at home, and probably everywhere else that actually gave a shit about my success. He even got to see it himself, and both he and Jade's mother, Maureen, had been very happy for us. That made me happy. They both said that the gossip magazines were teamed with generally positive articles and that a few reporters had actually even called him. In Thailand we'd had a few calls, but Sarah had dealt with it. We didn't really feel the need to release any kinds of statement, because it wasn't particularly anyone's business. I mostly wanted to put it out there, I didn't want to be the type of artist that pretended he was single and attainable, denying having a girlfriend just so we could manipulate teenage girls. I hated that side of fame. My fans were always so brutally honest with me about their feelings, what they thought of my songs, their unconditional love so much so, that I in turn, felt it was my honor to never lie to them.

Jade and I were in a car by ourselves with only the driver. I didn't want to cause a big stir, but I was a little bit nervous. I don't know why I wasn't more prepared for this kind of welcome, it wasn't like my fame dwindled there. I was probably more popular in Australia than I had ever been as a solo musician. I tried to perk up a little bit. I gently woke my precious angel beside me. "We're at the hotel now..." I informed her. She looked a little disorientated and began to rub her eyes. She sat up straight and yawned and looked around. She seemed surprised by all the faces rushing to meet our cars.

"Shit!" She seemed very quickly to jump awake. I kind of laughed, not expecting her to be so spritely. "Michael, how the hell are you going to get out of here?" She wanted to know. Fans stood around, cupping their hands over the tinted windows to see inside. I was used to this type of behavior but Jade on the other hand wasn't. "Oh my god, Michael, what the hell are they doing??"

"Trying to see in." I giggled. I guess it was pretty exciting. Jade was freaked out, I could tell -- but I loved those moments. They were the type of moments that sent the adrenalen pumping throughout my body. Suddenly I didn't feel very tired anymore. "Don't worry, security will arrive in a few minutes and you can go in while I do some autographs."

Jade's eyes were quizzically looking around, trying to make sense of the pandemonium that was going on. "They're going to kill each other..." She murmured more to herself, as she rose her hand to her mouth in shock. I just laughed. The fans were pushing and shoving and trying so hard to get close. They were begging for me to open the window, offering gifts and cards and asking for autographs. I opened the window a very careful slit, maybe half an inch. The mobbing of the car only got worse.

"Michael!" Jade scolded me, "you're encouraging them!"

"It's okay baby." I told her with a huge grin, "They're fine." I heard choruses of "I LOVE YOU!" screamed through at me, I heard fans asking me questions, begging me to take their gifts.

"I love you more!" I cried out the window as my fans slid cards and letters through the crack as if it were some automotive mailbox. Jade picked them up as they fell in, putting them in a pile. I saw that she slowly began to relax and started pointing out different kinds of fans. I wiggled my fingers out of the window and felt a series of people grabbing at them. It made me laugh. Traffic around us on the street of the hotel was nuts. There were horns beeping, fans littering the middle of the road with no regard for oncoming cars. It was crazy, but I was used to it. Someone slipped in a pen and a photograph which I signed quickly and handed it back out. Then of course, everyone followed suit. In the five minutes that it took for security to arrive, I was sure I had signed more than forty autographs and had received dozens and dozens of cards and letters.

Jade was escorted inside by a police officer while Marlon and I stood outside and collected banners that fans had made for us. I liked to have them as keepsakes. We signed autographs and even took a few photographs. We knew that things like that always went down well. It made us look good in the eyes of our fans and the media ate it up like bread with gravy. We waved a goodbye and headed upstairs after almost an hour.

**

It was our second last night in Sydney and I had to admit, I was loving it. It was during the spring and the weather was really warm, but not too humid like it had been back in Thailand and Jade seemed to have gotten over her mystery illness. We both kinda put it down to the change in weather and the pollution. It sucked that Janet had to go back to California, which left her with my Mom. I knew she didn't mind but it was a bit disappointing since they got along so well and had had a great time together.

Jade did a bit of shopping by herself during my rehearsals and sound checks and even did a little sight-seeing with my mother. At one point the paparazzi had followed them to the Harbour-side and had them pose for photos. I was a bit iffy about getting Jade's face too well-known. I wanted her to stay as normal as possible but the height of my fame at that point was probably going to make it tough to go on about business like normal -- especially once we got back home.

I was more relaxed now that I felt Jade was acting more herself. She was still a little pale, but she seemed better. I had had something really special planned for us and I wanted everything to go absolutely perfect. With the help of people working for my family, I had arranged for us to spend a night together beneath the harbour bridge. It was a clear night and every star in the sky was visible. Jade had no idea about it. She had expressed how beautiful she had found the city to be and so I had decided that I would take her there myself. I wanted to keep things casual, but perfect in every sense.

I had told her that we were going out, that it was a surprise. I told her that she could dress up if she wanted to. I had put on a pair of black slacks and a button down shirt. I looked decent enough, and it wasn't really going to be swanky, but it didn't hurt to look nice. I hoped we could get through the evening without being chased by fans. To be honest, I was a little bit nervous. It seemed like a big ask for it to all go ahead without a hitch.

We had a decoy, which was a bit cruel -- we pretended that we were going elsewhere for the night and the fans followed. It allowed us to head off unnoticed. It was after dark and Jade had appeared from the bedroom suite where I waited for her in a stunning dark-red scoop neck dress. I did a double take. I know that my eyes probably went as wide as saucers as I figured that all my christmas' had just come at once. My jaw was on the floor as I looked her once over, and then again ... and again. To be honest, I'd never really noticed how great her legs looked. I shook my head in astonishment. From head to toe she looked completely and utterly beautiful. She had her hair pulled back with a few stray whisps falling in to her face. Man, I wanted to kiss her all over. "Jade..." I breathed, "You are...the most beautiful girl in the world..."

She blushed. I took a step closer to her and noticed that she was wearing some light make up. God, tonight was going to perfect, I thought. I let out a sigh of absolute contentment. "Just like the Prince song..." She couldn't help but to jibe. I always joked with her that she was dating the wrong pop icon having found a collection of Prince records at her apartment.

"Yeah, just like your boyfriend..." I winked. I leaned forward and kissed her cheek, inhaling the sweet summery scent of her perfume. It quite frankly tantalised my senses.

I slipped my hand down the smooth skin of her bare arm, catching a glimpse of her clevage. I smiled a little slyly. "And you're sexy too..." I encased her hand within mine and headed out the door, ready to be taken by the security to a car that was waiting for us.

**

We arrived to our destination and got out of the car. I thanked the driver and took Michael's hand. "What's the plan?" I asked as I felt him lacing his fingers through mine. We walked along soft grass toward the a beautiful arch bridge which lit up with beautiful coloured lights that shone in to the sky. I glanced up to admire the beautiful clean and clear sky. We never got this kinda atmosphere back at home, I thought...

"The plan is..." Michael began, studying me with his wide eyes. He had been so attentive of me all night. He hadn't been able to peel his eyes away from mine and spent a lot of time giving me the once, twice, twenty five times, over. It felt wonderful, in all honesty -- to have someone that I loved so completely really take notice of me, admiring me and showering me with so much affection just made me feel like a million dollars.

Michael was always pretty easy on the eyes. He just looked so gorgeous with his growing hair, and his beautiful white shirt. He looked good in white, I liked to see him dressed up and looking smart. Although he didn't really need an outfit to make him more appealing -- all he had to do was grin. His smile still made me weak, almost a year on. The way he looked at me when he smiled -- God, I was so in love... He was perfect. "We're going to have some dinner over here..." He pointed to a ferry that was waiting at the dock. "On this little boat...."

I was pretty darn excited. It would just be he and I, alone. It was so rare that we got time alone these days and nothing would have been more awesome than getting to be on a boat on the harbour of Sydney, overlooking the entire city -- could it be anymore special? I wondered. "And then we'll play it by ear." He finished. We stopped walking toward the dock briefly to kiss one another. He cupped my cheeks in his hand and guided my head toward his him. He pressed his lips against mine while I steadied my hands on his waist. He was so warm, his body felt so great under my grasp. He was so muscley despite how thin he was. Even though he had put on a fair bit of weight since I had met him, I was still certain that there wasn't an ounce of fat to be found.

He pulled away, we both seemed a bit starry-eyed for one another. I think that there'd been a lot of sexual tension that was building since I had arrived -- and quite possibly we wouldn't have held back if it hadn't been for all the interruptions - the visits from his family, the public engagements, the fatigue -- everything had kind of just got in the way of any private time between us. This felt like the first time since I'd reunited with him, that we were both relaxed and stress free.

We made our way to the dock. Michael politely introduced himself as he got on to the small ferry that was set up just for us. He helped me down in to the boat, taking my hand and making sure I was safely in. There was a two man crew who got on board with us. One was in charge of our meals and serving, while the other captained the ferry.

Once inside, we admired how beautiful it was. The boat was relatively steady as we were informed that the water was calm. This pleased me, I wasn't really the type to get sea-sick, but I wasn't entirely sure how I'd be in a boat that swished and swirled. There was a table set for us, with beautiful silverware, regal looking chairs and a small tray that obviously contained our meal. We headed off on the boat. At first we walked around, admiring the deck and the view before we decided to eat.

Michael pulled a chair out for me like the perfect gentlemen that he was. He sat down in front of me and smiled. "How beautiful is it?" He asked. He was clearly very pleased with himself.

"Very." I replied, though not really paying too much attention to the view, I was too busy gazing in to his warm eyes. There was such joy to be found in them. I knew that my smile showed him the same. "Thank you for all of this Michael... it's amazing..."

He said nothing, but took my hand and kissed my palm softly. I felt butterflies in my tummy and I couldn't wipe the dumb ass smile from my face.

Dinner was wonderful, everything tasted fantastic and was cooked to perfection. We each had a glass of wine and laughed over how unlike us it was. We were both in such good and happy spirits.

Together we went on deck and enjoyed the view. Michael stood behind me, his arms around my waist, leaning his chin on my shoulder. I reached up to caress his cheek as we exchanged adoring smiles. I didn't care that now and then the captain was stealing glances of us oogling at eachother, nothing could ruin the chemistry between us. "I'm so happy tonight..." He admitted to me with a little sigh.

"Me too." I agreed, turning around so I could embrace him. "I love you..." I remembered how hard it was for me to come out and tell him without sounding disingenuous, but I didn't have that problem anymore. I loved him so much and I wasn't at all embarrassed to show him or tell him.

"There's something else..." He began, letting go of me. "I was thinking about something and I don't know that I can hold off any longer..." Stupid me, immediately thought he was referring to sex. I furrowed my brow and glanced a little bashfully to the captain who was out of earshot. Michael was still smiling at me and finally broke the tension with a light-hearted laugh, realizing why I was so surprised by his words.

"Not that..." He assured me.

**

My hands were so sweaty and my heart was doing backflips. I don't know that in my life I had ever been this nervous. I had had everything planned out, what I was going to say and how it was going to sound -- but I couldn't even think. I swallowed hard, trying to keep my demeanor casual. I slid my shaky hand in to the pocket of the black jacket I had been wearing. In it was a small velvet box that contained her engagement ring. Mom and Janet had helped me pick it from a catalogue. I had surveyed Jade's jewellery, and noticed that it was all very simple and dainty. "Close your eyes, baby..." I instructed her.

She watched me with curiosity. "Go on..." I prompted her again.

She closed those beautiful green eyes and smiled. She had no idea, I was certain of it. I was so scared that she'd say no to me, and our perfect night would be shot to shit. I wanted to be traditional. Well, I was very much a traditionalist kind of guy. I got down upon one knee and took her hand. I perched the ring above her engagement finger. "Okay... you can open your eyes."

She gasped when she saw the ring. The ring we had selected was a thin yellow gold band with a round 3 carat diamond as the middle stone and 2 heart-shaped diamond sidestones. It was so beautiful, and I hoped that she would love it. She brought her hand to her mouth in shock. "Oh my goodness..." She murmured.

I grinned. "I had a big speech prepared, and I knew exactly what I wanted to say--" I began as I watched her eyes fill with tears. I could only hope they were overwhelming tears, because I didn't want her to freak out and tell me she couldn't accept. "But ... I think this really has to come from my heart -- and I don't know how else to put this besides. I love you so much, unconditionally with the whole of my heart and I really want to spend the rest of my life with you."

I gulped. This was the moment, now or never. I took a deep breath. I said a silent prayer that she would accept my proposal. "I want to ask you if you will do me the honor of letting me become your husband..." She nodded slowly through her tears. I laughed, I didn't want to jump for joy until I actually heard her say yes. "Will you marry me?"

She laughed to relieve the tension with me as I had been doing. She was beaming so hard that my heart was probably bursting with joy. "Yes..." She nodded again. "I want to marry you..." I took her hand once again and slided the ring upon her engagement finger and I got to my feet.

Everything spun just a little. I had a fiance. I was going to have a wife. It was right. It was the best and happiest decision that I had ever made. I knew I would never, ever regret it. "Thank you..." I told her, feeling my eyes misting over. I hugged her tight, leaning my forehead against hers. I sealed our engagement with a kiss on the lips. "Thank you." She replied. "I don't know how I'd be without you...." She murmured. I wiped away her wet eyes with my thumb and kissed her temple.

Fuck, I loved her so, so much. She was beautiful, intelligent, understanding and so fucking sweet. I don't know how on earth anyone could have ever beared to hurt her so much. In fact, the thought angered me, so I put it away. I held her tight, caressing her, enjoying her in my arms. It was a feeling that I never wanted to let go of. Such pure and divine bliss filled my heart, my heart bursted with pride as the captain of the boat smiled joyously at us. I felt so grateful and special since the love that was between Jade and I was the type of true love that some people could only ever hope for. I believed whole-heartedly that the two of us were like peas in a pod, soulmates, two people who were always bound for a sacred union that would be utterly intangible even through the worst of times.

I knew that things between us would never be perfect, and that there would be tears and frustration and probably fights and arguments, but I was never ever going to let that be the end of our story. I always wanted us to be at peace, I knew there were things we shared different views and opinions on, but that was okay -- that was normal. I wanted us to grow together, our souls to intertwine and support and know each other every little step of the way. I never wanted us to grow tired of one another either, but I was pretty certain that could never happen -- it had been almost a year together and I still lost my breath each time I felt her touch or received her kiss.

We must have stood together for a little while, just thinking about things. There wasn't a lot of talking, but there were lots of smiles, kisses and the embrace was the most intimate of all. We still had a lot of excitement ahead of us. We were still both coming out of our shells. Jade had only just began to really live again, to know that the world wasn't filled with bad-faithed people, she had hope in friends and family and wasn't as shy or as judging as she had once confessed to me that she was. She became more compassionate and approachable and saw purpose in everything that she did. That was huge for her, but I was so proud.

I, on the other hand, had learned to stand up for myself more. I had more of a backbone, I was less insecure and was getting better at being honest with everyone but most especially Jade. I wasn't letting anyone run my career anymore, I was taking the bull by the horns so to speak and it was all because of Jade's encouragement. She didn't want anyone to walk all over me or have anyone controlling my schedule. It benefited me immensely because I was more happy and relaxed and had better rest time.

We had already grown so much together.

I watched Jade admiring her ring. "It's beautiful..." She said softly, peeling her eyes to look up at me, "It really is, Michael--Gosh...." She sighed, staring back at the diamonds. "I never thought I'd love anyone this much-- or that... anyone would ever really accept me for everything that I am..."

"I don't know why you'd ever doubt that... I'm a lucky man, Jade, I don't know how no one ever saw it..." I remarked. We exchanged smiles and cuddled close as our ferry neared back to the dock.

I loved the thick atmosphere we'd created around ourselves.

I was going to have a wife.

**

"Did you know it took eight entire years to build this?" Michael asked me randomly as we walked beneath the trademark coat-hanger-shaped harbour bridge. It's been here since the 30s..." I loved that he was so smart, he knew about so many trivial things. I always learned a thing or two from him, he kept me interested all of the time.

"It's so pretty..." I remarked. "I can't believe I'm in freakin' Australia. I never would have expected ever -- oh yeah and..." I wiggled my finger, "I'm engaged in Sydney."

We both laughed at my silliness. We found a place beneath the bridge to sit. I nestled in to his arms and relaxed. "Did I tell you yet, that you look absolutely hot in this dress?" He asked, tugging a bit at the strap of it. It was something that I had bought shopping the day before -- I didn't expect that I'd be wearing it anytime soon -- it had been merely an impulse buy. I didn't even know if I'd have the courage to wear it, but something had told me that I should. I felt quite self conscious having my breasts exposed a little more than usual, but Michael didn't seem to mind at all.

"No, but thank you..." I replied. It wasn't very short, and I hoped it came across as classy more than trashy. I'm sure Michael would have reacted different if I had though, I knew he probably would have made it known, he was too old fashioned to let something like that pass him without a word or a comment.

"You're welcome..." He answered absently. We both kind of wandered away in to our own thoughts of what our life was going to be like as a married couple. All I could think about were kids. Not that I wanted them, but Michael would want them. But at least that meant sex. I liked that we were waiting, I gained a tremendous amount of respect from Michael for my body and I appreciated and savoured that more than anything. He didn't ever pressure me into going further and sometimes I wondered how on Earth he managed to just put his needs aside. I knew if anyone found out that we were both still virgins they'd probably classify Michael as gay and me as asexual. It wasn't easy, though. I knew that there was a part of him that also wanted to wait, or else he would have rightly acted upon his sexual desire already, but he held back.

We both did.

For me it was still an irrational fear of insecurity. He'd seen me naked once before, and it had only been a very short time ago, but even then it wasn't a moment where we had taken the time to appreciate each other's bodies. I trusted Michael with every bit of me and I knew that he wouldn't care about any silly little imperfections on my thighs, or my stomach or my breasts -- it was just a hard time learning to accept myself enough to want someone else to accept me and I meant that in every physical sense. I also held back because of the sexual morality that I'd always believed in. I wasn't such a staunch supporter as I had been before I met Michael, because the situations changed my line of thinking -- but I still held on to everything I believed in. I didn't think sex was wrong to have before marriage, but it was a decision that I'd made right back when I'd met Aaron. However, now that we were engaged I was certain that we would probably have sex before we got married, and I was comfortable with that and I knew it was more than just mildly hypocritical of me, but I shrugged it away.

"Do you want to set a date for our marriage, or do you want to think about it and come up with a date later?" He asked thoughtfully. "I mean, there's no rush of course--" He reminded me, "But we could just plan a rough idea of when we'd like to marry..."

I felt a smile draw upon my lips as I glanced down at my ring. Again I waved it in his face, "I'm getting married..." We both cracked up. He gave me a soft shove. "You're so cute..."

I shrugged, "I don't mind Michael... why don't you make that decision? If we wanted to get married tomorrow, I'd be ready..."

"We need to give you time to pick out the perfect dress... and figure out where you'd like to get married--" He listed off things that I hadn't even thought about.

"Don't be silly baby, it doesn't have to be some big production, we can just do something modest..."

He laughed. "Don't even try to deny it. Every girl wants to have that beautiful white wedding, with bridesmaids and groomsmen and lots of beautiful flowers and the most stunning dress in the perfect location and she wants to feel like cindarella--without the whole, losing the shoe, turning in to a maid debacle."

We both at giggled at his bad analogy. "And sweetheart, I want our wedding day to be a really special day of our lives together. I want it to be one of the fondest memories, you know - like tonight, our engagement, I'll never forget this night as long as I live..." He explained, "And then our marriage, and the births of our children...it's important. I want you to be so happy and it's not like we can't do it, it's all very do-able. Anything you want."

Ahhh, I just never seemed to get over how much he warmed my heart with his sincerity. "Can we get Prince to perform?" I joked.

Michael burst out laughing and poked me in the side. "Don't even play..." He warned me even though he was laughing too. His face had been priceless. I loved teasing him with the Prince jokes, and he enjoyed it as much as I did.

"Seriously though, baby, my day is going to be perfect no matter what."

He smirked, "Yeah, yeah... you still want the white dress, and the flowers and the bridesmaids and the freaking out over nothing, and the high-strung pre-marriage woes about catering and all that crazy stuff, though, don't you?"

I giggled bashfully. "Maybe..."

"So we'll do it... do you think in three months it's too short of planning time?" He wondered, "Or is that too close?"

I shook my head. "It sounds perfect, a beautiful fall wedding."

"Yeah...." He added, a little dreamy. "Your Mom and Dad are gonna be so pleased you accepted."

I raised an eyebrow, "They know?" I was always amazed with just how much contact Michael had with my parents -- probably more than I did. It was like he was their little spy sent forth to keep giving them updates on how I was doing.

"Sure do... nothing gets past John and Maureen." He winked.

We sat for awhile talking, mostly we were talking about fun things and just enjoying our rare opportunity to enjoy each other's company without the fatigue and stress. We talked about where we would hold our wedding, about how crazy the media would be getting about it -- but I welcomed it all. It was just going to be the most exciting thing that had ever happened to me -- and I dared to assume, Michael's as well.

It was beginning to get late and the weather was starting to get cool, and so we decided we'd head back to our hotel. It had so far been absolutely perfect. The car that we had arrived in was waiting for us by eleven o'clock. We had walked pretty far from where the car was parked. I found myself feeling particularly breathless, which wasn't normal. I pulled Michael back in to step with me, he had a bit of a habit of walking too quickly. "Baby, slow down..." I complained.

He glanced at me apologetically. "Sorry..." He put an arm around me, and rubbed my shoulders. "You should have a jacket..." I ignored him because I was too busy concentrating on how much trouble I was having with my breathing. I felt as though I was having an asthma attack, which wasn't all that possible since I'd grown out of asthma as a child. I stopped walking completely.

"What's wrong?" Michael asked with concern. He noticed that I was breathing hard as if we'd been walking too briskly. We hadn't though -- we'd been walking at a normal pace. I shook my head, "It's nothing." I smiled. "I'm just a bit tired. I need to catch my breath, I guess we were walking too quickly." I tried to brush the feeling aside, but coupled with the woozy head that I'd felt a few days earlier, I found it all hard to ignore. I didn't want to worry him though.

He waited patiently with me while I caught my breath and slowly we made our way back to the car. "I'm worried about you, are you sure you're okay?"

I nodded as we got in, "I'm fine... I guess we've just had a pretty exciting and tiring day..." That wasn't entirely true. I had sharp chest pains that were encumbering me but still I was so desperate not to ruin our night that I didn't tell him. I gave him a confident smile and leaned in against him.

Chapter 29

We got back to the hotel and went right up to our room without any hassles. The problem was, though, that I felt like I was being suffocated. I sat down on the couch in our suite that overlooked the beautiful city and tried to get some air. "Do you want some air on?" Michael asked me, noticing that I was perspiring a little. I nodded.

"Baby, what's wrong?." He asked again, sitting down beside me. "I'm concerned, you're all pale again." He was so worried, I could see in his eyes. I couldn't lie anymore, and the pain was getting pretty bad.

"I don't feel good..." I confessed, as I closed my eyes and leaned back on to the couch. "I'm sorry." I apologized. "I just need to sit down for a few minutes, I'm sure I'll be okay."

He immediately sat down beside him. "Maybe I better get Sarah to call a doctor..." He suggested, "Just to be on the safe side. Do you feel like you want to puke or is it something else?"

It was hard for me to articulate the way I was feeling. I wanted to vomit from being so woozy, but I didn't know why I was having so much difficulty breathing. I didn't want him to see me gasping for air, though, it would have freaked him right out. Shit, it was freaking me right out. "No, Michael-" I touched his arm. I hated doctors, I didn't want to see one. I thought about how crap I had felt days before and how it had passed after I rested. "I have a bit of a chest pain and I'm feeling just a little dizzy -- kinda just like I felt back in Bangkok, but I'll just get in to my pajamas and lay down. I'll be fine."

He wasn't convinced. "Chest pains? Jade, I'm calling Sarah." He told me seriously.

I breathed a sigh, "Michael, no." I repeated. "I'm oh-kay."

He studied me, looking distressed as though he were unsure whether to ignore me and call a doctor anyway, or just let me be. "If you don't feel better in thirty minutes, I'm calling her, okay?" He bargained with me as I battled to get up to go to our room to get changed. I nodded in agreement.

I pulled on the same pajama pants that I'd worn the night before because they were closest to my reach. I sat down on the bed for a second as I felt like my airways were completely closing and everything kind of got a bit hazy as the dizziness I'd been suffering seemed to just consume me completely.

**

I had no fucking clue what to do. I was out of my mind. Nothing like this had ever happened to me. "Jade!" I yelled, upon hearing soft thud. I had that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that proved to me that what I had suspected had happened, really did. My heart was somewhere in my throat, possibly my brain, it was like they were pummelling each other back and forth over what to do. I wanted to shake her and wake her up and lose it completely, but I needed to be sensible and act fast.

"Jade!" I called again, trying to see if she was conscious. I quickly and as carefully as I could moved her body out, so that she was lying on her back. I tried to remember what I had read to do a hundred times, but it was so hard because my heart was screaming at me to react. I finally turned her head to the side before jumping up and calling front desk. No one friggin' knew what the emergency numbers were in these damn fucking countries, I thought as each of my heartbeats pulsated throughout my body. "I need a paramedic!" I told the person who answered in a voice that sounded too calm for the way that I felt. "Please..." The person on the other end tried to ask for more information, "Please just call someone now..." My voice shook and I felt as though I were about to break down altogether.

"Jade..." I begged her, as I knelt beside her thin, pale frame. Something had happened... this was serious. I felt like such a fucking douche for not listening to my instincts when I knew something was wrong. I put my forefinger to her neck to check that she had a pulse. I didn't know what was wrong. She was breathing, but it seemed shallow. She was blue around the mouth and I knew enough to know it was related to oxygen.

How could you have been so fucking stupid? I blamed myself angrily. Her parents, oh god, her parents would never forgive me.... I silently prayed for her to be okay, for it to be something not-so serious. I ran my hand along her arm. "Baby... please.. please wake up...." My face crumpled as though a fresh wave of tears were about to flow, but nothing came. I was in a state of absolute panick and every action that I made seemed to come out sluggish. I went to get a damp cloth and I put it over her head. She was showing absolutely no signs of waking up, though. She didn't respond at all to me, which scared me.

I felt angry and upset with myself for letting it happen. I took her out in the cold, the flying without a break to Thailand, the illnesses that we both ignored. It was my fault. I felt my eyes welling up as I kissed her forehead. "You're going to be okay..." I said softly. "Don't leave me, okay?"

I got up and flung the door of my suite open. I ran straight down the hall and began hammering on the doors of my brothers and my Mom, or anyone really, I needed help. "Call a fucking paramedic!" I screamed at a security guard who was patrolling our floor. Jackie was first out of his room.

"What's going on?" He wanted to know, poking his head of the door, agitated by my interruption. He'd clearly been sleeping. "Mike, what's going on?"

"It's Jade... Call an ambulance or something... Why won't anyone fucking help me!" I screamed again. Mom appeared next to me. I turned to her, my face crumpling again, this time the tears fell, "Mom, it's Jade, do something!" I pleaded with her. She looked at me puzzled before realizing that something was dreadfully wrong. Jackie followed.

When we returned to my room we were met by hotel staff who were informing us that the paramedics were on their way. My mother, thanking the good grace of God was a trained nurse. She went to Jade's side. "What happened?" She asked me. I was finding it hard to function, everything surrounding me had become a blur of actions. It seemed like I had been sucked in to a strange vortex where everything that was happening was background noise and I could only clearly hear what I was saying to myself, interiorly.

"Michael!" Mom snapped, "What happened, I need to know!"

"She was breathing really heavily, like she was tired and I don't know..." I stammered, "She went to get changed because she wasn't feeling great and she collapsed." I caught sight of the engagement ring on her finger and the tears freely began to flow. I caressed her forehead, slinking back in to the vortex and ignored everyone.

"You're going to be okay..." I soothed her as if she could hear me while the commotion carried on without me. I smoothed the pale skin on her face and prayed for her to open her eyes. A first aid paramedic arrived just minutes later, thank God. I didn't know exactly what had been going on, or what my actions had been like -- but I knew I had been yelling at everyone to make the ambulance arrive faster. I felt sick and scared and regret and fear... God, the emotions that coursed through me were ones that I never ever wanted to have been encumbered with.

"Make her wake up!" I told the paramedic. They made me move away from her. I remembered protesting and my mother pulling me away, convincing me that I needed to.

"Do something!" I repeated probably more often than need be. I watched them move as though they were in fucking slow motion. It frustrated the fucking hell out of me. I wanted to just make them work faster, but I couldn't. They slipped an oxygen mask over Jade's face. Progress, I thought.

The paramedics asked me about her condition and for the fucking life of me, I couldn't remember the name of her heart condition. I tried feebly to explain what it was, but I think I'd just confused them. I explained briefly about how she'd complained of dizziness and a chest pain. They took her stats and inserted an IV drip in to her arm. "Okay." Said a female paramedic. "Has she been suffering this for awhile?"

"Just for maybe a week... but only sporadically." I paused, thinking that perhaps she'd been feeling that way for awhile but had been keeping it from me. I thought about her weight loss and her quick constant fatigue. "Well, that I knew about... is she going to be okay?" I asked impatiently. I stood beside her bed, leaning right over her. Mom tried to pull me back, but I flinched away.

"Mr. Jackson, you're going to need to stand back and give us some room." Said the female as the other paramedic took her pulse and tried to assess the situation.

"Let's go." He told her with a sudden tone of urgency, "she needs to get to the hospital."

I followed after them hastily down the hall. I was getting in that ambulance and going with them. There was no way in this fucking world I was going to let my angel leave me now.

**

I gave Mom the phone number of Maureen and John. I needed them to know what was going on before they started reporting something on the news. I was selfishly glad that I wasn't the one to make the call. I sat idle in a cold hard plastic chair, wondering how the night had gone so abhorrently wrong. I kept going over and over the what-ifs while the doctors worked to figure out what was wrong with her.

All I knew was that they were operating...maybe?

In the ambulance they had inserted a tube down her throat to facilitate her breathing as there'd been a shortage of oxygen --or something. To be honest, I wasn't having an easy time processing anything that they had been informing me. I just wanted her to be okay, I wasn't interested in how they made it happen. Mom came back to join me after contacting her parents. She sat down beside me, touching my shoulder, "Don't worry sweetheart, she's in the best of hands now." She tried to comfort me. It was no consolation though.

"I want to know why this happened..." I heard my own voice deliver from my mouth. I turned to her and eyed her. "Mom, I proposed to her tonight-- everything was perfect... what if something really bad happens?" I wiped the tears as immediately as they fell. "I don't want to lose her, I don't want anything to happen to her..." My eyes were hollow, soulless almost, I felt numb to my very core. Each time the doctor came out, I felt a sense of panic that there was going to be terrible news. Mom did her best, but nothing could make me feel better. She just embraced me and let me cry it out.

We must have been sitting for hours. I was tired of how many times someone offered me coffee. At one point a reporter managed to get in, I bluntly told him to fuck off. I felt heavily sedated by bewilderment over what was going on. My eyes were heavy and nothing felt real. I stared at my hands in my lap, paced the room tapped things -- I was driving myself insane.

"Michael, maybe you need some rest." I looked up to find Marlon speaking to me. I wondered if he'd been there all along, only I hadn't noticed. I laughed at the thought. I didn't know why, it wasn't really all that funny. Shit maybe I was going a little bit insane.

After a little while a surgeon came out and sat down next to me in the empty seat. Marlon and Mom had gone to get some coffee for us. I felt myself growing a little more worried. He pulled off his surgical mask and gave me an encouraging smile.

He introduced himself formally and glanced a clipboard. "You're Mr. Jackson, I take it."

I chuckled feebly, when all I wanted to do, really was to vomit and expend all of the bad feelings that were inside of me. I was so sick with guilt and fear and god, I just wished it would end. "Jade's your fiance?"

I nodded. I closed my eyes in despair as I thought about how our beautiful night had turned. Well, I thought, earlier I had talked to her about having a memorable engagement and wedding day -- I certainly wasn't going to forget this fucker so long as I lived. "As of tonight..." I murmured.

The surgeon smiled. "Congratulations then." Yeah, why don't I have a fucking party, I thought angrily. I was scared of asking any questions because I wasn't sure that I wanted to hear the answers.

I gave a soft sigh and turned to him. "How is she?" And cut the bullshit. I wanted to add.

"We didn't do anything too drastic." He told me. I felt that he seemed genuine. He didn't want to pull any punches with me but he didn't want to make me feel completely shit, either. "We just wanted to stabalise her condition until we got in contact with her specialist back home."

"I don't understand..." I murmured, "I don't know what's going on exactly... no one has told me... and if they have, then they haven't explained it properly." I complained aware that I was growing teary. "I just..." I paused to gain my composure, "I want to know that she's going to be okay."

He gave me an apologetic look. "Okay, I'll explain to you a little better..." I felt glad that he was a lot warmer than some of the other doctors had been. A lot of them noticed me as a celebrity and obviously went out of their way not to act different, but in an unconscious way, it made them less approachable and harder for me to deal with. This was the one time in my life where I would have appreciated ass kissing and everyone running to me to ask what I wanted and needed. "Jade suffers from heart complications as you already know--"

I nodded dumbly and glanced up briefly to notice that my Mom and brother had arrived back. Mom sat beside me and listened in as well.

"VSD is the one that we're acutely aware of. We are concerned that she has another complication that we call coarctation of the aorta." He may as well have been speaking freaking Arabic, because I had no idea what it meant. "Technically speaking this could be immediately fixed. Coarctation is when the aorta has narrowed. This type of illness is diagnosed usually in children, but sometimes it can be overlooked -- do you know if Jade has ever had to have corrective surgery for this illness in the past?"

I shook my head and shrugged, "I don't think so... but, I can't be sure." I answered honestly. I felt like a weight had been lifted off me when he told me her condition could be fixed, although I felt that there was a 'but' coming along.

"Okay, well -- this thing can be corrected by balloon surgery, it's not really that big of a deal." He replied. I had no idea what balloon surgery was, but if it was no big deal, then I expected him to run along and do it. "My main concern right now is the bands that were used during her surgery as a child for VSD have collapsed. Normally we remove them anyway..."

I remembered Jade telling me during one of our first dates about surgery that she had had to correct her heart defect. I nodded, understanding. If they had to be removed, then I didn't understand what the problem was. "She still needs them." He answered my question without me having to ask. I let out a sigh and leaned back in to the agonising chair. "That was what was causing the pain, the problems breathing and the coarctation wasn't helping her situation at all. She lost consciousness, and her oxygen flow wasn't the greatest, but we've stabalised that."

I wiped my wet eyes. I felt like it was headed for a positive ending. Mom took my hand and squeezed it tightly. I was so thankful that she was there. "Is she awake?"

"Well no. We anesthetised her and performed a cardiac catheterization, do you know what that is?" He asked. I wanted to commend him for being so patient with me. I was a man who'd lost his marbles, or maybe just his beautiful fiance. I appreciated his warmth and patience more than anyone could have known. I said no. He explained that it was a small-time surgery where he injected a dye into an artery to check the hearts pumping, the valves and the blood flow. He also assured me that Jade would have been very familiar with the procedure, which for some reason made me feel a bit better. "So at the moment she's in the intensive care unit, but we only allow direct family members."

"Okay, okay." I quickly agreed. I let go of my Mom's hand and jumped up. I wanted to go to her, right then, right that second.

"Jade also won't be able to do any traveling until this is corrected." He told me regretfully. I didn't care. Fuck the tour, it was as good as finished. I'd postpone, I'd cancel. I didn't give a shit. "In fact, the traveling was probably the reason for spurring this on as quickly as it did." Great, way to make me feel like an asshole.

"Okay." I said again. He let me follow him down a hall. People stared at me, but I didn't care. For once in my life I didn't feel bad about ignoring fans. I didn't feel bad about snubbing someone completely. We walked in to a silent and morbid room. A communal ward full of patients that weren't even conscious. I walked with heavy steps toward Jade's bed. My heart skipped a beat as I felt all kinds of emotions. She was wired up good and proper. I noticed that her ring was missing and immediately I wanted to cry. "Where's her ring?" I whispered to the surgeon.

"We had to remove all of her jewelery for surgery." He explained, "So when you leave here, you can go to the nurses station and she can tell you where Jade's things were put." I was satisfied with that answer. I sat down in a chair beside her bed. The bars had been raised up around her. I reached between the rails and touched her hand. I rested my head upon the cold metal encasement. She looked so pale, so ragged. A tube remained in her throat to help her breathe and she was hooked up to heart monitors. I didn't really know what to do with myself. I let the tears flow until they wouldn't flow anymore.

The surgeon had told me that it wouldn't take her very long to wake up, although she wasn't really able to talk. I stayed there until daybreak, caressing her hand, praying, wishing that she would be okay. I felt her grasp on my hand in the early hours of the morning and I knew that she had awoken.

"Jade..." I breathed quietly. I looked to her and saw that her eyes were open to narrow slits. She was trying to focus on something, anything. She looked at me and then to her surroundings. I knew that she was disorientated, but I was too choked up to explain anything to her right away. I grasped her hand within both of mine.

She tried to speak but it came out as a gurgled noise. She actually gagged on the tube. "Baby, you're in the hospital." I informed her. "Don't try to speak, just relax and rest." I advised her. I stood over her, smoothing down her hair. She looked to me with her lifeless, sunken eyes with a certain unfamiliarity that made me feel almost traumatised, as if this whole thing wasn't bad enough.

I kissed her forehead. "You just had a minor surgery so get some rest, okay?"

She nodded very sluggishly. I heard her make a whimper sound and it actually broke my fucking heart. I knew there was probably an element of fear within her that she wasn't okay or that she was scared of what had happened. "You're going to be fine, angel." I promised her. "Close your eyes." I instructed her. "I'll be right here when you wake up, I promise I won't leave you...."

She didn't really need any convincing. She closed her eyes again. I took my place back upon the seat. "You're going to be just fine..." I said in a whisper that probably was more of a consolation to myself rather than her.

I felt a little relief as I re-resumed my position, my head against the metal rails. I closed my eyes and breathed deeply.

**

By lunch time the following day Jade had pepped up and was fully conscious again, although she was weak and still sickly. The anesthetic had worn off and she was alert. The doctor had promised that he would remove her oxygen tube and put her on the regular oxygen clamp through her nose and we waited patiently. I had a concert that night, but I was going to cancel it. I was too exhausted to function and too worried to even think about anything else.

I had called Jade's parents once she'd left the intensive care unit and had Sarah organise flights so they could immediately come to be with us. I was so afraid that they'd be angry with me or would blame me, but they weren't interested in placing blame, just making sure she was okay. Mom had tried to get me to go back to our hotel to get some rest, but I couldn't leave her. Marlon offered to stay with her, but I just didn't want to go. I promised her that I wasn't going to leave her and I stood by that. Mom and Marlon had left me to go back and rest. They'd been with me all night.

She kept clearing her throat all morning, as if she was trying to get rid of the tube. I could tell that it was irritating her. A new doctor appeared in the late afternoon with a smile. "How are we doing?" He asked us both. He introduced himself to me, "I'm Dr. Cavuoto, I'll be looking after you while you're here." He said, turning his attention to Jade. "Firstly I'll get a nurse in to take this tube out."

I gave Jade a smile of encouragement. She just stared dumbly at us both. I felt really sorry for her. I knew she must have felt like shit. I wondered how he was going to go about that. I wondered if she would be put out to take the tube out, or if it was something he'd do while she was conscious. Apparently my question was about to be answered. He put on a pair of plastic latex gloves and sat Jade's bed up. "On the count of three, take a deep breath and hold it, okay?" He instructed her.

She nodded and I saw her reach for my hand. I felt so ridiculously helpless. I grabbed her hand and squeezed it. I knew she had to be scared despite how much she'd already been through. "You'll feel a tickle, but it's not too bad." He warned her and counted to three. She took the breath and held it. She gagged a little as he pulled a tube from her throat. Dr. Cavuoto smiled at her, "There we go... your throat will probably be a little dry but it's nothing to be concerned about."

"Does it feel better without that gone?" I asked her, smoothing back her hair. She had glassy eyes and I knew she just wanted to cry.

"Yeah..." She murmured in a croaky voice. I realised it was the first word that she had spoken to me since she'd arrived from theatre besides the nodding and shaking of her head to my crappy yes or no questions. She cleared her throat a few times. She clenched my hand tightly. I wanted to tell her not to be afraid, but I figured it was something I should save for our private conversations.

She wasn't able to eat or drink anything and was being fed by the IV incase of any emergencies. "We've spoken to your specialist back home--" He told us both, taking a seat next to her on her bed.

"What's wrong with me?" She asked, "Am I going to die?" She asked bluntly with a certain coldness within her tone that I hadn't heard in such a long time.

"You're not going to die, Jade. Don't be silly." I said very defensively. "Don't talk like that."

She glanced at me a little guiltily. I knew she felt immediately bad for saying it. It was typically Jade though, ask the worst case scenario incase it was possible, that way she wouldn't be let down if bad news came. Unfortunately I was an optimist at all times which was probably my worst fault in this case.

Dr. Cavuoto raised his eyebrow, seeming surprised by her attitude. "We're going to see to it that you get through this safely." He very matter-of-factly. It struck me as odd that he didn't completely contradict her question. Neither of us said a word but just wanted the doctor to get to the point. "So I had a telephone meeting earlier with your specialist and I shared with her my observations of your condition and we've both come to the mutual decision that you're going to need to have two types of surgery."

I felt a lump forming in my throat but I didn't flinch. Jade avoided the eyes of the doctor. My heart began beating so much faster and I knew my palms were growing clammy.

"For what?" I asked. "You said to me last night that the surgery for the aorta would be simple stuff, right?" I added.

Dr. Cavouto nodded, "Are you aware of what balloon surgery is, Jade?" He asked. She nodded. "I don't." I interjected. The Dr. proceeded to explain to me that it was a simple surgery where a balloon was inflated and deflated in order to widen an artery. In Jade's case it was going to be her aorta. "Of course there are risks as with every heart surgery." He informed us.

"You told me it was a simple surgery." I protested, furrowing my brows. "What type of risks?"

"Michael, it's fine..." Jade said to me, "There's risks in every surgery, they have to say that even if it's routine." She informed me. I exhaled deeply and sat back on the hard chair. "So what's the other one?" She wanted to know, turning her attention back to the doctor.

"The next one is more complicated." He began. "From the tests we've done we recognized the surgery that you had for your VSD." He shared, "And the bands that were once there have since collapsed, and normally we remove them or new tissue grows over it so but for some reason that didn't happen. This indicated that you need new bands since the condition hasn't seemed to lessen in severity."

Jade had no response. She didn't look at either of us. I felt shitty. "Is it a serious surgery?" I dared to ask.

The Dr. glanced at me solemnly. He wasn't about to lie, I knew that. "It's open-heart." He then explained the difference. Open heart surgery was when the bloodstream was diverted through a fucking machine. My knees were weak and I felt my jaw set in a hard line. I wanted just to walk right out of that room and put my fist through the wall. I was so angry with the situation. I said nothing but nodded.

"Would you both like some privacy?" The doctor asked, knowing that we were both having problems processing the information we had just been given.

"Please." I murmured. A thousand things were zipping through my mind. I wondered why on earth it had to be her... why not me? Anyone but her... she didn't deserve this.

"Sure. I'll come back and see you tomorrow morning and we'll get things organised -- if you have any questions I'll be happy to answer them."

"Can I just go home and have this surgery?" Jade blurted out, along with a half-sob. My heart was slowly being torn to pieces and the most frustrating thing about it all was that there was not a damn thing I could do.

"We're not entirely sure that you're heart could endure the pressure of a flight. It'd be highly dangerous and we wouldn't be fully equipped to handle the repercussions, should something happen on the way home." Dr. Cavuoto replied. "I'm sorry." He patted her hand. "But Jade, you're in safe hands here." He promised her.

She didn't seem so convinced and quite frankly, I wasn't either. He left us to it. There was silence between us for a few moments. I scooted as close as I could to her, sitting on her bed. She allowed me as much room as she could without me knocking any of the monitors. It was a tight squeeze, but I managed to inch beside her comfortably when I laid on my side. We were lying close, and I knew at any moment she was about to break down. I felt like I was going to as well, but I felt like I had to be strong for her and vent on my own time. I studied her face for some kind of reaction and caressed her hair. I wanted to say something comforting but no matter what I said, nothing was about to make her feel better.

"I'm so sorry Michael..." She said softly. "For all of this..."

I raised my eyebrow, "Girl, what are you apologizing for?" I wanted to know, almost laughing with disbelief. "This isn't your fault at all..." I comforted her, searching her eyes for emotion. She looked away, breaking our contact.

"I ruined our night, our trip..." She breathed. I shook my head to protest. "Don't be silly, Jade. The trip isn't that important, and our night was still the most special night of my life and I hope yours too..."

She nodded. "Have you been here all night?" She wanted to know. "I remembered seeing you when I woke up this morning..."

I smiled, glad that I could have been there. "Of course I was here. I promised you that I wouldn't leave, and I haven't."

"You must be tired..." She remarked, tracing my hairline with her fingers. I shook my head, even though I was lying. I was exhausted, physically and emotionally. I was sure, however, that if I closed my eyes I still wouldn't be able to sleep. I watched a tear trickle from her eye and then quickly followed by another and another. She quickly wiped them away and apologized. "It's okay." I whispered. "You don't have to pretend to brave, sweetheart." I kissed her forehead, "You're not going to go through this alone..."

I guess they were the only words she needed to hear. She leaned her forehead against my shoulders and held on to my arm and let the tears flow unbridled. I put an arm around her and rubbed her back soothingly. "You're allowed to be afraid..." I consoled her. "But you're going to be completely fine, this is just a bump in the road. We're both in this together."

"I feel like I'm being punished..." She confessed, wiping her eyes, "Each time something is going good, something bad happens and everything turns to shit."

I felt my eyes welling up but I blinked back my tears. I wasn't about to let her see me break down either. I didn't want her to know just how frightened I was. "You're not being punished." I told her firmly. "You haven't done a single thing to deserve this, baby, I promise." I wanted to tell her that her parents were their way but I needed her to calm down a little. I decided to just let her cry it out.

Chapter 30

I wanted to rip the stupid fucking oxygen clamps from my nose, it was annoying the hell out of me. I felt a mix of emotions swimming around in my head and in my stomach and basically all I wanted to do was cry. I felt so frightened of having to go through surgery all over again. I hated the idea of another scar, I hated the idea of going under more anesthetic, taking more medication, not being able to eat or drink for days afterward. I looked down at my new engagement ring that Michael had slipped back on to my finger earlier and felt more tears welling up, and more than anything I didn't want anything bad to happen to me. I loved my life with him far too much to just lie back and let any illness overcome me.

But I didn't get a fucking choice.

I was embarrassed still of anyone seeing me cry, but I couldn't help it. I knew Michael didn't care but it didn't change me feeling so fucking stupid for it. I had broken down in front of him once already, I didn't want to become the silly weak woman who couldn't just suck up her shit and deal with it. I didn't want Michael to leave me alone, but I knew he had a concert to do later that night. It was growing late and I knew he had to get going soon. I was saving up all my tears for that moment. Part of me wanted to be alone, just so I could get all my crying out of my system, but the better half of me didn't want to be left in a foreign place feeling lonely.

"You better go back to the hotel... don't you have sound check?" I asked him.

"Are you nuts?" Michael laughed, looking at me with a surprised expression, "There is no way in the world I am leaving you for a concert!" he exclaimed. "I've cancelled it." He added. Just like that? I wondered... I felt a sense of relief, but also a feeling of guilt. It wasn't just Michael I'd put out, but his brothers, the family, the entourage, the fans...

"Great, now I feel like an asshole." I remarked. "I don't want you to put everything on hold just because of me, Michael, the world can't stop spinning." I said with a frown. "Your fans need you."

"And I need you." He shot back, "So how about you let me worry about the tour."

Well. I could tell when my input wasn't wanted. I thought. I sighed. "Okay fine..."

"I'm going to post-pone it, anyway." He said tried to add very nonchalantly.

I suddenly felt angry. I didn't know why, but something inside of me snapped. I felt so frustrated and trapped in a situation that I didn't want to be in. "Why on earth would you do that?" I demanded to know, "God, you can't just cancel it all because I'm sick! People are fucking counting on you! What can you do here? You're not a doctor, you know, you can't fix me."

Michael sat up and looked at me incredulously. "What's the problem?" He asked, "I care about you. My main concern is being with you..."

"I appreciate that but you can't be here with me twenty-four-seven, you can't just neglect your commitments!"

"I can do whatever the hell I want to do, they can do the tour without me or not at all." He shot back showing as much frustration as I felt. "Why are you so angry with me?" He asked me.

I had no answer. I wasn't angry with him, I was angry with my situation. I was scared, devastated really, and I felt so incompetent and helpless. I didn't know why I was making a huge deal, I didn't want Michael to go at all. And I loved him so much but I wanted to tell him that I wanted my Mom and Dad to come. The child in me really needed them. At least if they were there as well, Michael wouldn't have to give up so much of his time for me.

"Jade, I can't pretend to feel exactly what you're feeling -- but I'm afraid as well, okay?" He admitted, "And I don't want anything to happen to you and I've sat here crying and wishing and praying all night for something to change what's happening, but nothing's going to change it. You're sick, and I'm sorry if you want to try to play it down, or push me away emotionally, but I'm not going to let you. I love you so much. You're my fiance, we're going to be married -- this is affecting my life as much as it's affecting yours. It'd be no good for me to go on stage and try to hold a concert because at the moment my brain isn't functioning properly, my head isn't capped on right and all I can think about is you!"

I felt even worse when his eyes spilled over with tears. "I love you, Jade. Don't try to push me away, I'm not going to let you!"

"I'm sorry." I apologised in a small voice.

He shook his head. "Don't apologize... just realise that I care about you." He replied.

"I just hate that this is happening." I complained with a sigh. "I thought I was past all this, that the only thing I'd have to have was one shitty operation within the next few years-- I didn't expect anything like this to happen."

"I understand, sweetheart." He lowered his voice, and took my hand, kissing it gently. "We'll get through this, okay? And if there's anything that you need that I can do, you just tell me..."

I nodded. "Thank you..." I paused, "There is one thing--"

"What is it?" He asked me. I could feel his thumb running softly on the exterior of my hand -- I didn't know why, but I found that to be such a massive comfort to me.

"I want my Mom and Dad here so badly... I know it sounds silly.... but... I need them as much as I need you. You need to let them know what's going on..."

He smiled lightly, "I know that... Mom called them as soon as we came in here last night and they freaked out a little, but we promised to organise flight info and call them as soon as we knew anything more." He explained to me, "And so I called them earlier and they left about an hour ago, actually."

I felt such a sense of relief. I didn't want either of my parents to freak out, but I knew they'd worry a lot. I felt more comfortable knowing that they were on their way. "Thank you. I hope they're not too worried."

"Of course they're worried, but when I called them this morning your Dad seemed okay, he had rationalised the situation and calmed your Mom down, so I guess they're able to relax a little now, but they were anxious to get here." He informed me.

The nurse interrupted us right then by entering my room. She was carrying a box and was smiling broadly. "Mr. Jackson, it seems that a bunch of your fans waiting downstairs... they had this sent up for Jade." Her big brown eyes seemed excited to be in his presence but a little too professional to show it.

"For me?" I nearly choked. Michael was grinning.

"Really? That's so sweet..." He added. "The fans are so thoughtful."

The nurse placed the box on my table. "Would you like me to maneuver your bed so that you can sit up for a little while?" She asked me kindly. Damn, that would have been nice. I nodded, but I was curiously looking at the box. At least it was something to get our mind off things. "How do the fans know you're here?" I asked Michael.

"There was a pretty big scene when we left to go to the hospital." He admitted. "They followed the ambulance-- I don't really remember, we'll have to ask Mom later, but of course you've made national and international news.... apparently!" He giggled.

Man, I was so glad for this -- a distraction, something fun from the fear that we both had encumbering us.

"You know, you've had a barrage of fans since you both came in last night. They've been singing and chanting all morning, actually and the media is going nuts, they've been calling all morning to know what's going on."

Michael rolled his eyes. "That's no surprise. I'm sorry for all the trouble."

She laughed and shook her head. "To be honest, I'm sure no one minds the attention at all. We all want the best for Jade." She smiled at me. I wasn't used to having someone be so lovely just because of who Michael was -- or actually, I wasn't used to benefiting from Michael's status.

"I hope there's not a bomb or something in the box." I joked, "I don't know how fond your fans are of me." I added.

Michael laughed. "Honey, I'm sure they're just as worried about you as we all are."

The nurse fixed my bed and I sat up. It felt a bit better. We waited for her to leave before we opened the box together. It was a filled with cards and letters. I smiled at Michael. "Isn't that sweet?" I asked him.

He was grinning. I opened an envelope and pulled out a hand made card. Michael sat beside me and we read through them together, taking great relief in the distraction from what was really going on. I could see that my baby was getting tired though, his eyes were so blood shot and they looked heavy. I put my arm around him and tousled his hair. I really wanted him to get some sleep but he insisted on not leaving me. I knew he hadn't slept one single wink while I'd been out cold.

"Listen to this..." Michael pointed at another card, showing me the young hand-writing.

"Dear Jade," He began, "We heard that you are not feeling well and we wanted you to get well very soon. We are Melissa and Carla and we are both 13 and we went to the concert on Friday and saw you with Michael and he seems very happy. Please be well soon because we love to see him happy and we don't want you to be sick! We hope that you two will be happy together forever!"

Both Michael and I exchanged smiles. "That's soooo sweet." I remarked. Katherine appeared at the door with a smile and a bag of things.

She seemed so happy to see that I was awake. It was nice to see her as well. Over the past week I had spent a lot of time with Katherine and I had grown to really like her. She was such a lovely woman and I admired her strength and courage that she possessed to put up with such a wank of a husband. "Hi sweetheart..." She gave me a hug and a kiss and immediately I felt that sense of comfort that I knew I would feel when my Mom arrived. It was much different to the type of comfort that I felt from Michael.

"Hi Katherine." I replied, watching her give the same affection to her son.

"You look much better than you did this morning, I have to admit." She confessed, "We were so worried about you."

"Thanks." I didn't really feel like doing the whole doom and gloom thing over again. "I'm feeling a bit better."

"We were just going through some of the cards that fans sent up, Mom, you should see them -- they're all so sweet." Michael quickly interjected, not wanting to kill our lighter mood. She smiled, glancing at the box.

"Oh, I hope you don't mind-- I went in to your suite and picked up some of your pajamas from your suitcase and brought them so you can get out of this hospital gown."

Actually, that sounded awesome. The hospital gown was making me itchy and I knew I'd feel a whole lot better in my own stuff. "Thank you so much." I said gratefully. "This is great..."

"So did you see the doctor this morning?" She wondered, taking a seat.

"We did..." Michael answered for me, "But we'll talk about it a bit later." He added.

"It's okay honey." I told him, patting his hand gently. "Your Mom is just asking..."

Katherine looked from him to me with a look of concern. "I need to have two surgeries, which I assume they'll want to do both at the same time. One is just a regular balloon surgery and the other is an open-heart surgery." I told her as if I had just explained how I'd gotten a stain out of my favourite top. It was the way that I always dealt with the hardest things -- I detached myself completely.

"Open heart..." She gasped, "Jade that's terrible..."

"Yeah Mom, we've already talked about it." I felt bad. I knew Michael didn't want to be thinking about it. He was just as upset as I was and that was understandable, but we were going to have to be putting a lot of thought to it over the next few days. "We're just gonna sit here and go through the cards now." He said a little more firmly.

I gave his Mom an apologetic look. "Do you want me to go outside for a little while?" She asked, obviously feeling like she was intruding.

"No." I said quickly. "Not at all, stay... In fact, you know what?" I turned to Michael, "You haven't had any sleep -- why don't you go back to the hotel and sleep."

"No." He shook his head, "I don't need sleep." He replied irritably.

I smiled, and grazed his cheek with my forehand. "Michael, please just go and get some sleep. Remember you asked me to tell you if I needed anything?"

He looked at me so compassionately and studied me to see if I was serious. "Seriously-- please... I need you to go back to the hotel, have a shower, change out of your grouchy pants and have a nap, even if it's only for a couple of hours."

Michael gave a sigh and put the card that he was holding back in to the box. "Okay."

I exchanged a smile with Katherine. I really could have done with some rest, myself. I was still a bit dizzy and my oxygen levels were all over the place. Katherine was a really relaxing person to have around. I knew she would probably have some profound things to tell me once we were alone. She turned to her son, "You'll need an escort or a decoy car, Michael, it's a media circus down there. Sarah told me that you need to call her to organise that for you when you were ready to leave, so you should go do that."

"K..." He gave his Mom a hug and leaned over to kiss me softly on the lips. I leaned forward as he hugged me tightly and kissed my lips. I felt him trembling a little within his hug -- or maybe that was me. God knows, we both had so much anxiety coursing through us. "I'm not far away, whenever you need me just get them to give me a call..." He told me.

I knew he didn't want to go, he was so reluctant. He lingered over me for a few moments. "Remember what I said, beautiful... you're going to be fine. We're in this together-- and I love you."

I smiled, feeling his warm lips against my forehead. "I love you too." I felt him slip his hand in to mine as he gave it a last squeeze. "Can't wait to be your husband..."

I grinned at him. "Stop delaying... sleep!"

He laughed and let go of my hand. "See you later, Mom..." He stopped at the door, "And by the way just so you know, I don't have grouchy pants on...."

As soon as he had shut the door behind him, Katherine got up. "Maybe you should be lying down, you aren't well, sweetheart."

"I know..." I sighed, I didn't want to ignore the dizziness a second time, but the doctor that had seen me in the morning had told me that it would be normal for me to experience that. The oxygen that was filling my nose was starting to tickle and annoy me. I wanted to take it off, if only for an hour. My breathing was regular but I felt a certain tightness in my chest that was foreign to me. I probably did just need to rest. I let her re-adjust my bed so that I was lying down again. "I hate that I'm here..." I confessed.

"You're in the best place for being sick..." She smiled at me, "Why don't we turn the tv on?"

It was a good idea. It'd take my mind off things. She switched it on for me. "I'm going to stay as long as you'd like me to, so why don't you close your eyes and try to get some sleep?" She suggested. Her voice was soothing and to be honest, I really trusted her judgment. When I was sick, I always listened to the advice and suggestions my mother gave, and I knew Katherine was eight times more experienced at being a mother than my own.

"Thank you..." I told her as I touched her hand, "Michael told me that you were with him all night and that you helped me when he found me-- I really appreciate that Katherine, for being so understanding and accepting of me -- and for putting aside whatever plans you had to sit here and hospital-sit me."

She smiled warmly and kissed my forehead. "Look at how happy you've made my son... and Jade, you're a precious young woman. Anything I can do for you is all my pleasure." She said. And honestly? Her kindness made me want to cry. I thought over all the times I'd screwed people over, been rude to clients, to friends, to people who tried to extend kindness to me without an ulterior motive -- and it made me feel like such a terrible person. Katherine was probably one of the nicest women I'd ever come across, I knew it'd be right to take a few pages from her book.

"Thanks..." I murmured.

"Here... I'll put it on fox...why don't you close your eyes."

"I don't know that I can sleep, I have a lot of things on my mind..." I confessed with a little bit of a sigh.

"I understand that, sweetheart." She said empathetically. "It can't hurt to close your eyes and try though. Maybe concentrate on what's happening on TV."

I smiled and closed my eyes. My stomach was rumbling even though I knew it was impossible to be hungry since I was being fed through the stupid ass tube that was bandaged to the back of my hand. "I'll be here when you wake up..." She added.

I was so glad that through the most wonderful boyfriend in the world, I had also gained a couple of new family members that I had began to treasure. I gave a sigh and tried to concentrate on the TV as Katherine had suggested and sure enough I drifted off to sleep.

**

The shower helped massively. I had the water turned on so hard that I could feel it beating down on to my back, probably leaving marks. The steam rising up facilitated my breathing ability. I'd never felt in this much despair. I'd never been so worried or so scared about anyone's wellbeing so long as I had lived. I just wanted to get out of the shower and straight back to the hospital, but I wanted to do what was best for Jade, and that was to be a good support -- I couldn't do that while my heart was pent up with emotions that were dying to come pouring out of me.

It was a warm, sunny day but I just felt so cold. I put on warm pajamas and was just about to climb in to our empty bed when I heard a knock at the door of my suite. I figured it was probably Marlon or Jackie or one of the other brother's coming to find out if everything was okay. I didn't feel much like talking, but I didn't want to be ungrateful. I headed out and opened it up.

I was surprised to find my father there. He was glaring at me with his icy stare that I'd grown so used to averting my eyes from. I didn't have the energy to go through the rigmarole of being worried about what he might think or say. "What?" I asked bluntly.

"You have a concert that starts in 4 hours." He informed me. I rose an eyebrow at him as if he were stupid and you know, for a brief moment, I thought that maybe he hadn't been let in on the news of what had happened to my fiance.

"Pardon me?" I dared him to repeat him. He stepped in to my suite and I reluctantly closed the door behind him. For some reason, fear wasn't a feeling that I was much harboring at that moment.

"That's right, you have a concert, boy." He repeated, looking around the messy suite. "You better be ready."

I choked back a laugh, "You're kidding me, right?" I checked with him. The way he was glaring though, I knew he was very much for real. "There's no show tonight." I told him in a monotone. "I cancelled it. Maybe they forgot to send you the memo." I wasn't in the mood for his shit. My fiance was lying in a fucking hospital bed in a foreign country and the only company she had was me and someone elses' mother that she didn't know all too well.

"Don't you dare get smart with me!" He spoke to me through clenched teeth, pointing his finger in to my chest. "You get your mother fuckin' ass in to that room and you get your shit. You have soundcheck."

That was the straw that broke the camels back. I had enough. I didn't need to take this shit. "You know what?" I said angrily, "Fuck you, Joseph, fuck you and your stupid concerts! That's all you care about, isn't it?" I shot back, "I've had enough of you! You have nothing the fuck to do with this tour anyway. We didn't hire you, you're not our manager, we don't NEED you!" I yelled at him. "Get the fuck out of my room."

I reeled back a bit, I expected him to hit me, something he hadn't done in a couple of years. He didn't though, he looked at me with surprise. "I'm not scared of you anymore." I added angrily, "Right now my girlfriend is in the fucking hospital and has to have open-heart-fucking-surgery and we have no idea if she's going to make it, okay so why don't you go find some other fucking slave child to do your stupid ass concerts, I have more pressing issues to deal with!" I looked him square in the eye with the utmost disgust, "I've had enough this, I've had enough of dealing with my selfish fucking family. I'm canceling the tour."

He said nothing and stared at me. "If you don't have anything civil to say to me then shake your ass on out the fucking door." I said in a softer tone as I sank down in to the nearest couch. I had no idea where the courage to speak to him was coming from, but I was welcoming it. My Dad was a grade-a asswipe and I had the weight of the world on my shoulders and was having difficulty trying to carry it on my own.

My father stood before me, stunned for a few moments. I tried to hold my tears back but they began sliding down my face. Great, the last thing I needed was him thinking that he had got to me.

A very surprising thing happened.

My father sat down next to me. He awkwardly touched my shoulder with his hand. I held my face in my hands, ashamed to be crying so hard in front of someone who had never really, to my recollection, showed me any type of affection or emotional support unless I had performed brilliantly. "I..." He stammered, "I uh... I'm sorry, Michael." He replied awkwardly, "I-- I didn't know how serious it was."

"It's serious." I murmured through my tears. "She could die." I blurted out. Saying those words made it so real, and in fact, I wasn't as optimistic as I had earlier felt. I didn't like the way the doctor had ignored her question when she asked about her fate, and I didn't like how he'd explained the surgery to me. I didn't want a machine to help her breathe, I wanted her to be able to breathe on her own. "There's not a fucking thing I can do..."

My father's support, while taking me off guard, was probably the most meaningful. It was rare that he recognized and empathised with anyone, especially not me. We were from two different worlds, and I knew he was tough because he was trying to do what he thought was right -- but he wasn't right and he needed to see it. He put an arm around my shoulder and pulled me close toward him. I had never felt such a bevy of emotions. I awkwardly embraced him back. He patted my back, trying to be the source of comfort, telling me that it was going to be okay and that he was sorry.

I had never heard him tell anyone he was sorry, so it was a strange to hear it. I welcomed it though. I needed it. "The doctors know what they're doing, son. You need to trust that."

"It's not fucking fair!" I exclaimed, "Last night I asked her to marry me. Everything was perfect and today everything turned to shit, I feel like I've done something wrong to deserve this. I'd never been more happy." I confessed, wiping my eyes profusely. "Jade didn't hurt anyone, she didn't do anything to anyone..." It was as if I was trying so hard to stress a point that nobody needed to hear me justify. "I need her Dad..." I said softly. It had been eons since I had actually called my father Dad and not by his first name. He didn't seem to mind. "If something bad happens I don't know what I'll do... I'm scared..."

"We won't allow anything bad to happen to your girl, Mike." Joseph promised me, but as much as anyone could say that, it didn't make it anymore true. No one could guarantee anything, the doctor had said so himself.

I took a deep breath and exhaled, trying to regain my composure. It was just going to be one of those nights. Once I opened the floodgates, it was going to be hard to stop the flow of my tears. Exhaustion didn't really help, in fact it probably induced my sadness and desperation. "I haven't slept all night." I admitted, "I don't know that I can. I just want to go back to the hospital to be with her."

"You need to get some sleep." My father said to me. He patted me again on the back, "Boy, you go on to bed. A couple of your brothers wanted to speak to you 'bout the tour, but I'll handle it for you. We can post-pone it until further notice."

I was shocked by just how supportive he was being. I hadn't expected that in a million years. I knew that Jermaine and Tito were both so self-centred that they wouldn't have given a rat’s ass how upset I was, just as long as the show still went ahead -- that's why I was so shocked. "Thanks..." I murmured. I got up, wiping my eyes with the backs of my hands.

"If you need anything..."

"Thanks." I repeated. "For... this."

He didn't want me to have that gushy moment with him, I could tell, and to be honest, it was too awkward for me to even endure it either. We knew what each of us were feeling, it didn't really need to be articulated in to words. "Could you wake me up at 7:30 tonight." I asked him.

He nodded. It was about 3:30, I figured four hours was enough to rest. He left me to it and I went and fell in to bed, thinking that I wasn't going to get any sleep. However, with tears continuing to fall even though I'd blanked my mind, I pretty much drifted off right away.

Chapter 31

I slept the entire night through and no one woke me up and that pissed me off. I woke up around five in the morning and got up. My eyes felt heavy still and my face felt a little swollen from the crying I had done all night. I jumped out of bed and zipped off to the bathroom to quickly wash up. I wanted to leave for the hospital as quick as I could, I didn't want Jade to wake up without anyone there for her. I was annoyed with my father for not waking me as he had said he would.

I came out of the bathroom and noticed my Dad sitting on the couch, watching TV. I was surprised to find him there. He looked up at me, just as surprised to find me. "Why didn't you wake me up??" I wanted to know. "I told you, 7:30pm, she's probably been lying there all night without me!" I said with an accusatory tone.

Joseph, dressed in the same clothes he'd been in the night before, a black pair of slacks and a dark blue polo, just shook his head. "I called your mother to let you know I was going to let you sleep all night. She stayed with Jade until midnight, but Jade slept most of the afternoon and night anyhow." He informed me, "If you leave now she's still not going to be awake, it's too early."

I was satisfied with the answer. I felt a lot better with the full night's sleep. "Thanks..." I mumbled, going to call the hotel staff for me to organise a car to leave for the hospital.

***

"How is she doing?" I asked a nurse at the nurses station. She glanced at me over her glasses and smiled pleasantly. "Jade Reily." I added, to prompt her. I watched her pick up a clip board and look over it. "Jade is doing okay. We increased her oxygen during the night." She informed me. That meant absolutely nothing to me and it frustrated me that the doctors and nurses expected that everyone knew exactly what they were talking about.

"Is that good or bad?" I wondered out loud.

"It's not the greatest thing, but it's nothing too serious." She assured me, "her oxygen levels got quite low which spurs on the dizziness that she was experiencing and it needs to stay at a certain level or else it's impossible to continue functioning."

Great. I sighed. "What about everything else?" I asked, feeling my mood deflate.

"We don't really know, Mr. Jackson -- the doctor hasn't been in but her stats are fine for now. The Dr. will be in later in the morning." That was no comfort to me.

I thanked her politely and headed in to Jade's room. She was still sleeping and looking pale and weak, possibly more so than the day before. I didn't want to touch her for fear that she'd wake up, and I wanted to make sure she had all the rest that she needed. Her TV was on as background noise. I sank down in to a more comfortable chair that had replaced the hard plastic one and leaned back. I closed my eyes to try to catch some more rest before she woke up.

**

Dr. Cavuoto was a kind guy. I liked him a lot, he seemed to know what he was talking about and was sweet and charming and made both Michael and I feel at ease. He listened to my heart closely with a stethescope from my back and then from the front and took my blood pressure and pulse. I had awoken that morning feeling perpetually out of breath, it was rapid and abnormal and induced palpitations which scared the absolute crap out of me. I didn't want to be passing out or having any kind of silly anxiety attacks.

"How can I get my breathing back to normal?" I asked. It was driving me nuts, as if I had been running a long distance. "I feel like my chest is going to explode." I complained. It was only day two and already I was sick of the place. I wanted to be back at Michael's place in bed if I had the choice. "And for God sake, when will I be able to eat something? My stomach is growling like an idiot."

Dr. Cavuoto laughed, but I was serious. "We'll try you on a couple of different medications throughout the day to help with the breathing. As for the eating, we need you to stay on the IV just in case of an emergency."

Great, I was an emergency case. I pouted. "This sucks." I could see Michael smirk from the corner of my eye so I shot him a glare. "Why don't you try sitting here, wise ass." I shot at him with irate. Apparently that was funny because he started to laugh. Splendid, Dr. Cavuoto joined in too.

"Oh I'm glad that the untimely end of my life is both amusing to you." I added cynically, flopping back down on to the bed. Michael's smirk turned to an immediate frown.

"Would you stop saying things like that?" He replied, "It's hard enough to be positive and I find it really upsetting." A little inch of me felt guilty, but I was annoyed with him for laughing at me. "Well." I retorted, "Don't laugh at me for saying I feel like shit, and that my situation sucks, because it does and I don't think there's anything at all to laugh at." We quarreled like kids.

The Dr. looked on, not even attempting to wipe the look of amusement from our bickering off of his face. Michael looked at me apologetically, and I felt bad for biting his head off.  I was in a shitty mood and I felt the worst I'd ever felt in my life and apparently there was no going up from here. Things were probably about to get a lot worse. Dr. Cavuoto finished checking my stats. "I'm going to order a couple of blood tests, just to make sure everything's as it should be."

Even better.

"Now, Jade... we're going to need to talk about this surgery." He put on a serious face. I hated this part. It scared the shit out of me and I wanted to cry before he even began talking. I wished that my parents were there. Michael was perfect, but there wasn't anything like the comfort of my parents. I could ball myself up in to the little girl that I still was to them. And right now, I would have been perfectly okay with that. "We're going to try to fit you in to theatre on wednesday morning."

Just two days away, I thought with a gulp. "That's so soon..." Michael murmured, as if reading my thoughts.

Dr. Cavuoto nodded, I'm sure he understood our fears. Michael took my hand. "We don't want you to have to stay here any longer than necessary, and this illness is deteriorating you." He told me frankly. What did that mean? I wanted to ask, but deep down I already knew. "The longer we leave it, the more extensive the damage to your heart will be and we don't want that. So if we operate on wednesday morning, tomorrow an anaesthetist will come and see you and explain the procedure in to detail and before you know it, you'll be recovering."

It sounded so simple. He made it sound like cake. It wasn't though. It was complicated and there was going to be nothing easy about having open-heart-surgery. "What's the incision going to be like?" I wanted to know, to prepare myself for yet another ugly scar. I'd just gotten used to accepting my own body, I started to feel okay letting Michael see me naked, and now this... Couldn't wait to have a new one. And fuck, there was nothing more disgusting than a fresh scar.

Dr. Cavuoto pointed from the base of his rib cage and drew a line up to the top, just below the fucking neckline of my shirts. "We'll be as neat about it as we can." He promised me. That was no consolation though. He could be as neat as he wanted and there'd still be a huge gaping mark in the middle of my chest. How attractive.

"Fantastic, that'll look beautiful." I muttered. Shit, I was just in a really, really bad mood. It's not like my body image wasn't suffering enough. "What about recovery, how long do you think it'll take me before I can go home?" I wasn't an idiot. I knew heart surgery took awhile to recover from.

"Three weeks to a month."

"What!" Michael exclaimed, "Why so long?"

"Don't worry, you don't have to stay the whole time." I told him. "You can go whenever you want." for some reason, I was taking a lot of comfort in making Michael feel like shit. I didn't mean it, and I didn't do it purposely, but it just made me feel better to try to push him away. I didn't want him to see me like this and I certainly didn't want to make him go through any of this with me. I knew if he left me now, it would have been easier for me than if he did it later. I didn't want him to see me post-surgery, ugly and altered. I knew I'd be changed physically and probably emotionally. I didn't want him to have to deal with that.

"That's not what I meant, and you know it!" He replied, stroppily. I ignored him and waited for the doctor to answer.

"We'll need to keep close monitoring on her heart, she'll be in the ICU until she's completely stable and then she'll be running on high dosages of medication until she's able to function without the help of a ventilator, intravenous antibiotics or food."

I felt Michael let go of my hand. "I'm gonna take a walk." He murmured, getting up and leaving me alone with the dr. I was a little bit surprised. I figured he was just pissed off with me, and rightly so. I turned to Dr. Cavuoto, "He doesn't get it." I informed him. "Sorry about that."

He grimaced but nodded. "Well, does that all sound okay to you?" I said a faint yes, even though I wanted to demand that the IV come out of my arm and to grab my shit and leave. He patted my shoulder. "Don't worry too much, sweetheart." I was grateful to his kindness, but all I could think about was what I'd said to upset Michael. "I know you're in a strange place, so your fear of being here has probably heightened, but I mean it with all sincerity that I'll be keeping an extra close eye on you."

"Thanks." I replied gratefully. I wondered if I would have gotten that extra close eye if I wasn't Michael Jackson's fiance. Fiancé.... My mind wandered off as I looked down to my beautiful gold engagement ring that I'd hardly had the time to admire. It was so beautfiul. I felt myself smiling faintly.

"Pathology will probably be in soon."

"Thanks." I repeated. He gave me a kind smile and headed out, promising to come in during a meeting with the anaesthetist in the morning. I exhaled a deep sigh, wishing that Michael would come back so we could have a talk.

**

I couldn't help but feel angry. I was angry with everything. I was angry with the doctors, with being on tour, even with Jade. I hated her attitude and I hate how it felt like she was trying to drive me away, saying things to upset me on purpose. I knew she didn't want to be alone and there was no fucking way I was going to leave her on her own. I hated how she could insinuate that I wanted to go. I didn't care about the time we had to spend there, I just hated that she was going to put out for so long. I hated that she was ill. It made me really sad.

I walked up and down the corridor, pacing, looking for something to take my attention -- a fan, a nurse to talk to, someone to ask me if I wanted coffee. Why was it, when I didn't want to be bothered, everyone approached me? When I was looking for something, a sense of normalcy -- well normalcy for me, a mobbing, a bit of adulation, it wasn’t to be found. I heaved a sigh and stopped by a water cooler to get a drink.

I wanted Jade's parents to arrive so that maybe she'd feel more comfort. It made me feel slightly inadequate that I couldn't completely calm her nervous heart alone. I wanted her to lean on me completely, I wanted to be her pillar of strength but it seemed that she wasn't able to do that. I guess maybe a part of her recognized how difficult of a time I was having dealing with it. I hated that I'd let it on. I didn't want to be stone-hearted and seem like I didn't care, but I also did my best from falling apart in front of her. I'd had my cry the night before, I had my sleep -- I couldn't figure out why I was still finding it so hard to be her rock.

"Is there anything we can help you with?" The nurse from the day before asked me. She gave me a kind smile, a smile that really did me a lot of good at the moment. I smiled faintly back.

I did want them to help me, but it wasn't anything that I was sure they could remedy. How could they fix a heart that was being torn apart piece by piece? How could they make my girlfriend better with a click of the fingers? How could they help us smile the way we had smiled on the night before this had all began? How could they curb my fears and stifle my emotions in front of Jade long enough for her to let me be the one she wanted to lean on? I felt the smile dispersing from my lips as I took my time answering her.

"I should be okay..." My voice trailed off. I bit the inside of my lip to keep me from showing any kind of emotion. I wanted to tear up, let it out again. God, I was such a fucking fairy sometimes. "Thank you..."

"Would you like someone to get you some coffee or tea, or even something to eat? We understand it's impossible for you to just go to the kiosk."

When I thought about food, I realised I was quite hungry. I hadn't eaten at all since Jade had been admitted to the hospital. I'd been drinking cups and cups of water, but no actual solid food. I thought for a moment, "That actually sounds really good..." I murmured. "I haven't really eaten since we brought Jade in here..."

She offered me all kinds of food, but the soup sounded like the best option. I knew it would probably taste like ass, since all hospital food did, but it didn't matter, just anything to increase my energy. I thanked her a second time and watched her leave me to go and get me something. I was most grateful to their help. Jade's ward had been very accommodating and considerate of our situation and I really appreciated it. There had been a complete media ban from the hospital, although we were sure they couldn't exactly keep them out. The media were sneaky, they got around those types of things. People posing as visitors of patients could come right in. There were people who looked at me curiously, some gave me smiles, but thankfully everyone left me alone. I think the world understood that I needed my moment of privacy. It had been reported on the news that I was the one who was rushed to hospital, before they later corrected it. They had some how found out that Jade and I were engaged, and the headlines had been repulsive. On the way to the hospital that morning, I had seen a newspaper on the passenger seat of the car I had arrived in. It was front page news. "JACKSON'S WIFE; DYING!" it made me feel sick, but I wasn't surprised in the least.

The media were sick jerks.

I closed my eyes and leaned my head back against the wall and was thinking over things. I guess there was no use for my brothers to stick around, they could leave to go home and we'd resume the tour in a few months as soon as Jade was fit again. I thought about the way she had reacted when I mentioned that I would cancel it, the way she had gotten angry with me and wanted me to continue on. Canceling was a hard thing to do when it came to the tour, sometimes the promoters weren't so understanding, contracts were hard to be broken and lawsuits went underway. Our contract stipulated that in the event of an emergency we had the privilege to break out of our contract, however, I don't think that included third party emergencies. I knew it would please Jade if I didn't cancel it, and it would please our fans too. I figured that I'd post-pone until further notice and give a statement in the hope that everyone would understand.

I felt a hand touch the calf of my leg and immediately I sat up, wondering what on earth....

A smile adorned my lips as a child stood before me with her huge bright blue eyes staring at me curiously. She had to be no older than three years old. She was steadying herself on my leg, having just fallen down. She looked a little intimidated until I held out my hand to help her back up. She had a sweet cherub face, rosy-red cheeks and sand-white hair that was tied up into pig tails. "I falled down." She explained, dusting off her hands in a clumsy way. Her cute baby accent made me laugh. And God, it felt good to laugh genuinely.

"Up you get then..." I picked her up and set her back on to her feet. She was dressed in a pink tracksuit and was wearing a mismatching pair of shiny black shoes. She was such a little princess. It made me think of having my own children, I hoped to have a very rich future with Jade, and I wasn't thinking monetary value. "Are you alright, did you hurt yourself?"

She shook her head. "Where's your Mommy?" I asked, looking around for someone to claim her. The little girl looked around and pointed to a room. "There.......I fink."

I laughed again. She was precious. "Does she know you're out here?" I wondered, thinking that her mother must have been worried if she couldn't find her beautiful little girl. She never answered me.

"Come on, how about I take you back to her? She's probably wondering where you got to!" I lifted her up and balanced her on my hip and walked toward the room she had pointed to. The door was left open, so I stepped inside and knocked softly. The little girl encircled her arms around my neck and stared at me, which I found to be a little bit funny. "You look different." She told me.

Well, that was certainly a new one. I thought with a smile. For some reason, anything that sounded even slightly critical could be written off without a second thought from a child, but if an adult said the same thing to me, I would have taken a lot of offense. Something hit me hard when I poked my head in to the ward. I choked up when I saw a woman lying in bed, her eyes closed, a tube very different to the one that had been facilitating Jade the previous day, helping her to breathe -- it was a ventilator.  I felt a sense of shock and awkwardness. There were monitors and tubes coming in and out of everywhere. There was a man beside her bed, holding her hand, looking forlorn and utterly devastated.

I couldn't help but to think the worst. The man looked up, a little stunned to see me there. He glanced to his daughter who had gone quiet. There was something to be said about children with sixth senses. "Sorry to interrupt." I said very quietly. "Your daughter... she was in the hall..."

He apologised profusely, I could see that his eyes were empty, as if someone had stolen the soul out of him. I felt so sad, as if I had just seen what could possibly happen to Jade. "Samantha, sweetheart, you need to keep still... what did I ask you..." He said in a low, almost inaudible, emotionless tone.

"Sorry Daddy." She murmured, assuming a sad pout.

I wanted to offer to keep his daughter company while he was having some time with his wife, but who the hell in their right mind would let an adult male stranger hang out with their baby girl. I wanted to say something, anything to offer my condolences, but I'd been so shocked. Little Samantha hopped down from me and went to join her Dad.

"I'm sorry." Her father said to me, "And thank you."

I'm sorry too, I wanted to say, but I couldn't. I gave him a forced smile and left them to it.

***

It felt good to eat something. I felt the last spoonful of hot soup sliding down my throat and felt satisfied and refreshed. I was so grateful to the nurse, Kerry, she told me her name was, for fixing it for me. It also didn't taste too shabby, but I assumed that anything would have tasted like heaven after having not eaten properly in almost two days. I had spent at least an hour or two in the corridor just sitting alone with my thoughts. I wanted to give Jade some space to calm down and I needed some time alone just to relax a little and let everything kind of sink in. So far it'd been too much too soon and I hadn't really gotten a lot of time to process anything. Everything had come at us so intensely.

I put the plastic bowl that I had been eating from in to the trash and threw away the disposable spoon. I sat for a moment and gave myself a little pep talk before heading back in to Jade's room.

***

I was experiencing chest pains and felt dizziness that didn't seem to be going away. I had been crying a little and felt so shitty. I was scared, there was no doubt about it. The pathologist had taken blood and I'd been such a baby about it, I was sure the she'd thought I was a loser. I was glad to see Michael returning after a little while. He walked right in and gave me a kiss on the forehead. "I'm sorry." I murmured. "I didn't mean to upset you before." It was an apology I knew that I owed him.

He smiled at me lightly, "That's okay, beautiful. We both just needed some space to think." He replied. It was half true. I needed some conscious time away from him to realise how much I needed him and how stupid it was to keep pulling myself away. I was lying down flat on my back, and breathing heavily. "I wish I could take you home and make everything okay..." He said in his soft, sweet tone. "And I wish I could be a better support to you, that I could kiss all your fear away, baby, but this kinda threw me off guard as well, but just tell me what I can do so that I can comfort you and I'll do it..."

I felt so bad. "You're perfect as you are... it's just hard for me." I said to him. I found myself speaking in fragments trying to expel words, it all felt like so much fucking effort. I felt so invalid. "I love you."

He sat on my bed, beside me, hovering over me. He studied me, so worried, so sad... He drew lines on my hairline with his fingertips, trying his hardest to keep from crying. I could tell. "I'm worried about your breathing..." He confessed, "It's not normal for you to be breathing like that... I wish I could stop this..." He paused to kiss me again. "God..."

I drew in a deep breath. "I'm scared, Michael." I told him as my face crumpled in to tears. "I'm so scared that I'm going to die." I let go of my tears in a couple of short breaths, but then felt all of them coming undone. The grief that he showed within his expression was torturing me, but I couldn't keep it to myself any longer. I reached up a shaky hand and encircled my arm around his neck. He helped me up so that he could hug me tightly. He didn't say anything. We both knew that there wasn't anything that could be said to curb those fears. They were valid and they were possible fears, so no amount of him contradicting them would make the thought go away.

"I'm scared too, sweetheart." He replied, running his fingers through my disheveled hair. It hadn't been brushed in two days. Oh God, and I hadn't even bathed. Poor Michael. Everything about me felt so fucking pathetic at that moment. "But we need to have faith that you're going to be okay. We need to look at this as a test of the strength of our relationship, okay?" He told me, smoothing down my hair, wiping the tears from my eyes. His own eyes looked to be glassy, but he was holding back. "We'll get through this..." he added shakily.

**

My parents arrived by about four in the afternoon and it was the most emotional reunion that I'd ever had. Both Mom and Dad cried and embraced me and then embraced Michael and then I left it to him to explain everything that had happened because I was far too breathless to go through it all. Their reactions had surprised me, they both seemed calm and collected, but I figured that it had a lot to do with the fact that they'd spent the entire plane trip rationalising and imagining the absolute worst case scenario.

My Mom was a soldier when it came to my hospital visits. She knew all the right people to speak to, she knew how to get things done, how to make sure I was comfortable and perfect and my Dad was great at cheering both Michael and I up. He had always been the comedy relief for me when things were going badly and apparently it worked for Michael as well. They were both exhausted from their flight home so Michael suggested that they go and get some rest and come back in the morning. Mom seemed okay with that as well, but Dad seemed a little reluctant.

"Do you want to tell her?" He asked my Mom, giving her a little nudge.

Mom looked at him curiously for a moment, her green eyes burned in to his. "Oh!" She exclaimed, just catching on. She gave him a small smile. "You can tell her if you'd like."

"While you were off deciding to get married, your Mom and I made a big decision as well."

"What's that..."

Mom showed picked up Dad's hand and showed me that he was again wearing his wedding ring. I widened my eyes, "You guys are getting back together?" I looked to Michael and smiled. "They're getting back together..." I wanted to be more excited, I really did, but I was too tired. Michael interlaced his fingers with mine and shared my happiness. "That's brilliant. Congratulations." He remarked.

"Thanks." Mom replied, "We've been talking about it for awhile, it's probably been a little bit obvious." Although I had noticed Mom and Dad were spending a lot of time together again, I never really expected that they'd ever get back together properly, but it pleased me and gave me something to feel good about.

"Congratulations to you both as well." Dad added. "Your ring has been blinding me since I walked in."

I managed a weak laugh as I examined it again closely. It was a bit blurry since I was on a high dose of meds, but I already knew it was beautiful. Michael and I exchanged smiles as Mom and Dad got ready to leave. Michael had insisted that he wasn't going anywhere tonight.

**

A nurse came in to read Jade's stats around midnight. She'd been dozing on and off while I'd been watching television, trying to numb my brain a little and ignore how rapid her breathing was. It was beginning to worry me as it was getting worse. She'd had problems even speaking full sentences before she'd resigned herself to complete rest. The nurse frowned as she took Jade's pulse, causing her to stir a little.

"Everything okay?" I wondered. The nurse looked at me a little surprised that I was awake, as if she hadn't even noticed me. I always wondered if a time in my life would come when a person would see straight through me and not respond to the fact that I was Michael bloody Jackson -- and I wished for that moment with so much fervor when I wanted to be left alone. But at that moment? I wished for once that my status was more important than my girlfriend's health - for that would have meant she wasn't in as serious condition as she was. Shit, I hated this reality. I just wanted it to be a bad nightmare. She grimaced a little, ignoring my question and writing something down on the chart. I thought that perhaps she didn't hear so I repeated myself.

"I'm just going to go and make sure." She replied as she rushed out of the room. I sat up in my chair and waited for her to return. There was only a small dim light in the room but from where I was sitting, it looked like Jade was still sleeping. The nurse came back a few minutes later and removed the small clamps that were filling her nasal passages with oxygen, she then took the ventilation mask from the tap at the wall behind her and slipped it over Jade's face.

Jade opened her eyes and looked around a little disorientated. She murmured something in a soft voice. I stood up, and scooted by her side to show her that I was still there.

"Relax..." The nurse told her in a gentle voice, but I wasn't so convinced. "It's just to help you breathe." My heart was now beating rapidly. Jade looked to me, I knew she was fearful of what was going on. "Close your eyes and just try to go back to sleep." She turned the oxygen tap on so that the air flowed through more rapidly.

"Michael..." Jade whispered in a barely audible tone, as if she hadn't even seen me. 

"I'm right here baby." I told her, caressing her face. "Are you feeling okay?" I wanted to know. She shook her head. I looked at the nurse. She couldn't even bloody talk. "What's going on?"

"We're waiting on Dr. Cavuoto." She replied, "It may be nothing to worry about, but we're sending for him just in case. We just want to have him check on her." She told me.

There were always those moments in life where time seemed to stop. The entire world around seemed to blur away; sound, vision, everything except what you're thinking and feeling on the inside and anything else just as important as your own life. For me at that moment I could hear my heart pulsating hard and loud in my ear. I could only think and hear what was going on with Jade, but everything else wasn't there. Or at least, it didn't matter. At those moments, our gut instincts were always right. I knew for a fact that when Jade had fallen asleep she had been weak and tired, but I knew that she wasn’t by the way she was struggling to expel any words from her mouth, the way she was breathing sharply, almost gasping that she was not okay -- that something had happened in the span of a few hours to change her condition.

Although through the day her condition seemed to be deteriorating, but it was to be expected, Dr. Cavuoto had warned us, but to this extent? And this rapidly? I felt my throat dry up.

"Isn't there another Dr. that can see her right now?" I wanted to know. "She's getting worse, can't you make someone see her now?" I realised that I was growing a little bit demanding and high-strung, but I didn't care. Nothing was going to stand in the way of Jade's health.

"Mr. Jackson, it's really okay. Dr. Cavuoto is just on his way up from downstairs and the oxygen mask will sustain her until he arrives. Please just sit down and relax. He'll be here any second." I looked to the heart monitors that we had just really tuned out by now and realized that the zig-zags seemed more jagged, shorter and the beeping was more rapid.

I didn't have a choice but to leave it up to the professionals. "Jadey, can you hear me?" I whispered.

She made a noise in a soft voice, but I couldn't understand it. I grabbed her hand and squeezed it. "I'm not going to leave you okay?"

She gave my hand a squeeze back, but didn't try to say anything. It was the weakest squeeze I'd ever felt.

Dr. Cavuoto appeared a few minutes later. He turned on the overhead light. Jade's eyes remained closed. I squeezed her hand again and felt a faint squeeze back, which remained our signal. He opened Jade's eyes to check inside of her pupils. She flickered them a little but she was so faint. He listened to her heart and glanced at me, who was staring wide-eyed and frightened for a moment as he listened.

I felt like I was losing her. "Is she okay?" I asked. Shit, I must have asked him about 10 times in the span of a few minutes and I wasn't even sure if he'd answered once.

He put his stethoscope over his neck and turned to me. "She's going to need that operation sooner rather than later, Mr. Jackson. Her condition is deteriorating much quicker than we expected. If we don't perform the surgery immediately she's likely to go in to congestive heart failure." He told me very frankly. "Because of the VSD I have a suspicion that oxygen is getting in to her bloodstream which is very dangerous. I'd like to prep her for surgery now." He turned to a nurse, leaving me reeling. "I'd like you to get on the phone to Dr. Vincent Coenack from cardiology. Tell him that I'll need his assistance in surgery in about a half an hour and I need Ms. Reily, here, to be prepped."

The nurse took his orders to the nurses station outside of the room. 

"If she has the surgery, she's going to be okay, isn't she?" I wanted to know. My voice was cracking with trepidation. I glanced back at my beautiful pale wife-to-be lying in front of me. This can't be happening... All I could think of, was that I didn't even get the chance to tell her that I loved her.

Dr. Cavuoto nodded, but he had a solemn expression. "Yes. But there are the risks that we talked about, but we're going to do our absolute best to ensure that she makes a full recovery."

"I want some kind of guarantee." I said, holding her hand between mine, rubbing the exterior of it, hoping that she could feel it. She had stopped responding to my hand squeezes. "Can you guarantee me that she'll be okay?"

"Mr. Jackson when it comes to open-heart surgery there can be no absolute 100% guarantees." He was blunt but kind to me. But it stung and so did the tears that were forming in my eyes.

He checked Jade's pulse again as another nurse came in to help them prep her. He checked her eyes again. "She's lost consciousness, but keep her oxygen up and we'll give you a call when we're ready for her." He added. "Mr. Jackson, I've got to go downstairs to get ready to operate. I promise you Jade will receive the best of care."

I felt the tears slipping down my cheeks. "I love you." I told her. "Jade, I love you, sweetheart, please don't leave me..."

The nurse asked me to leave the room while they prepped her for surgery. I had to go call her parents. I had to call mine. I didn't want to go through with this. I watched them wheel Jade out of the ward. I placed one last kiss upon her head and prayed that it wouldn't be the last. I was allowed to go down with them until they got to the operating theatre. Dr. Cavuoto came out one last time to see me. He gave me a reassuring pat on the shoulder. "I'm a very experienced heart-surgeon." he informed me, "It'll be fine."

I said nothing but watched them, distraught, as they wheeled Jade in to theatre. A nurse escorted me to the waiting room. I sat down on a seat and held my face in my hands. How the hell did all this happen in the span of an hour? How did Jade go from smiles in the afternoon to unconscious at night? My mother and father arrived pretty much at the same time Jade's parents did. I had to try to function enough to tell them what was going on. Maureen, Jade's Mom began to cry in to John's chest. I felt nothing. I was so numb, emotionless, devoid. My Mom and Dad sat on either side of me, neither saying a word.

First meeting with the inlaws -- what a party.

I had a lump in my throat that wouldn't go away and no matter how many times I swallowed it didn't go. I didn't cry at all. I sat, wide awake, just staring for what felt like hours. I heard every single sound that was made. A pin could have dropped and I would have alerted to it. My Mom tried to talk to me, but I couldn't concentrate on a single word that came from her mouth. Eventually she pulled me toward her and hugged me close. I couldn't allow myself to hug her back, to express myself in any shape or form.

John, Jade's Dad made short conversation with both my Mother and Father, but it was all so forced and forlorn. We waited hour by hour. By six am, I was sitting on the blue carpet by Mom's feet with my head resting on her knees as she stroked my hair and I watched the clock. The longer it took, the more numb I became.

I wasn't sure how much longer of this torture I was able to take.

Chapter 32

Dr. Cavuoto appeared looking extremely tired. He was dressed in his green surgical outfit and had the mask pulled from his face. I couldn't bring myself to look at him, to listen to what they were saying or even ask a question. I had prepared myself for the worst.

I simply tuned out, and I had did it so well all night.

I did hear one sentence, "We expect her to make a full recovery." It didn't quite register, or maybe I hadn't really been processing anything.

"Did you hear that?" Joseph whispered to me. I couldn't ever for the life of me, figure out what had made my father change so drastically in such a short period of time, but he had. Even his tone had changed. He sounded so kind-hearted. "He said the surgery was a success."

I lifted my head up and saw Dr. Cavuoto looking at me. I saw both Maureen and John head off down a corridor following a nurse. "You can see her if you like." He said to me. "She's in critical care right now."

I was feeling a little lethargic myself. "Ok." I murmured. I didn't know if I could do it.

"We'll wait right here for you, darling." My mother assured me.

"Mr. Jackson, the operation went well. We fixed the problems that she was having and replaced the bands. We completed the balloon surgery while we were there too. She's breathing with the help of a pp ventilator and she's very heavily sedated, so keep that in mind."

**

I walked in dubiously. I was scared. I didn't know quite to expect. I saw her father with his arm around Maureen as they looked over their daughter. They seemed to be calm. Maureen sat down as he kissed her head. I hadn't even dared to glance at her yet. I figured their calmness could only be a good sign, but it wasn't. I actually felt sick when I looked at her. How could this have happened? The lump in my throat was enticing me to just collapse in to tears, but I was determined not to.

Everything that I hadn't expected was lying before me.

There were heart little sticky monitors all over her chest, hooked to a machine, something else to measure her heart beat, and the ventilator. There was an IV in her arm, and a drainage tube that protruded from the side of her chest. My heart was broken. Shattered, really. John came by my side as I surveyed their precious daughter, my angel, looking like the most beautiful tragedy.

"We've been through this before..." He said to me softly, "Twice." He added. "She's a fighter, our baby girl. She'll let nothing beat her down for too long."

I still wasn't able to speak. The words would have came out in a mesh, all at once, not making a bit of sense. I wanted her to wake up. I wiped my eyes and found myself hugging him. Jade's dad was a great man, one that I really looked up to; I saw in him what my father had never really provided to me. He patted my back in the most fatherly way, being my support. I never dreamed a day so sad or difficult would come.

"The first twenty four hours are always the most difficult, but she's going to be fine. There was no complication at all, Michael. Her Dr. said it went very smoothly."  He comforted me.

"Okay." I whispered. I didn't really know what else to say or to do, but I knew that I didn't want to stay in there. I couldn't do it. I needed to leave. I needed rest. I needed to cry. I wanted to hit a fucking wall, anything. I couldn't remain passive any longer. "I want to go...Is it okay if..." I blurted out, not even being able to finish the sentence. I felt guilty, but I just didn't have it in me to stay and see her like that. "I can't-" I averted my eyes away from her, feeling like the most heartless, selfish bastard on the face of the Earth.

"Of course it's okay, sweetheart." I heard Maureen say, grabbing my hand and giving it a pat, she seemed sympathetic. "Why don't you go back to your hotel with your parents and get something to eat and have freshen up. You must be exhausted..." I couldn't figure out how they could act so normal, how they were just able to function as if Jade had only just come down with the flu. I was getting angry with them for it, so it was another reason why I had to get out of there.

She looked so fragile that I was afraid of touching her, that her forehead, like porcelain may shatter. And she was cold too. I kissed her forehead and took a step back. I felt so bewildered and detached from the situation.

"Michael, she's going to be alright." Maureen added, standing up to hug me. "It's going to be okay."

I nodded again, swallowing the lump that was in my throat. "Please call me if she wakes up." I said as I left pretty much as quick as I came. I went to collect my parents and then we left the hospital. We sheilded ourselves from the cameras. My Dad pushed them away semi-aggressively. Someone shoved a microphone in to my face. "How is Jade?"

"I.. I don't know." I heard myself stammer as we hearded in to the car. "Recovering but... but time will tell..." My voice wavered. It sounded better for me to say it out loud. I knew deep down my girlfriend was going to be okay. Her father was right, she sure was a fighter. I think just more than anything, I needed the rest. I'd been running on empty and I wasn't able to process anything, not the bad news and not even the good news. I needed to sleep everything off, shut my mind down completely for the night and catch up on what I was deprived of. I didn't want to think about it, I just wanted to remain numb to the situation and pretend it didn't occur.

**

I opened my eyes for the first time about ten hours after surgery. I couldn't speak and was disorientated. I woke up scared, I didn't realize immediately what was going and I didn't know where I was. I felt pain, not a lot, because my head was woozy and I was heavily medicated, but I felt a heavy feeling on my chest, as if bricks were piled upon it. My eyes darted around, stinging from the light until they adjusted. I saw the face of my father first and a sudden sense of calm took over me.

"Sweetheart..." He murmured... I felt hot tears sliding down the sides of my face because I was frightened by what was happening around me. I couldn't talk and became acutely aware of the ventilator that was fixed, taped down over my mouth. I felt like I'd been gagged and bound, but realized quickly that my immobility had more to do with the fact that my body had just been put through so much.

Mom joined him and they stood over me, tears filling both of their eyes. I realized I was in the hospital still, that something had happened. I feared the worst, that I was dying. I tried to turn my head, but the ventilator kept me still. My eyes darted around looking for Michael, but I couldn't find him. That made the tears flow even more. I wanted to see his gentle face, concerned face hovering over me, and feel his fingers curling around mine, or caressing my cheek to comfort me. I wanted to ask for him, but I couldn't which frustrated the hell out of me.

My Dad took my hand as Mom smiled and wiped away my tears. "Don't cry honey." She said soothingly. "You're going to be fine." That’s what everyone had kept telling me and here I was, disorientated, with a ventilator down my freakin' wind pipe. I kept searching the room with my eyes expecting to find Michael but he didn't appear. I didn't really remember much of why I was in the hospital, nor did it sink in that I'd had surgery. I couldn't really process anything while I was so heavily medicated.

Dad noticed that I was getting anxious. "Michael will be here soon." He assured me. "Just close your eyes darling... get some rest." I was frustrated more so that nobody could tell me what was going on, but the urge to close my eyes was actually stronger than I realized. I did exactly what my father asked of me, and closed them.

**

I don't know that Michael left me to even go home over the next few days. When I had awoken again the next day after surgery he was there. He was watching me, leaning close to my bed. I had that same frightened feeling overcome me as I had no idea what was going on around me. Thankfully, Michael was thoughtful enough to let me in on it all. "I've been waiting for you to wake up, sleeping beauty." He said with a soft smile and a warm, gentle tone. His eyes were a little moist, but it was hard for me to really focus properly on anything.

"You're doing fine, baby..." He informed me with an encouraging smile. It was the first time that I had ever seen Michael with the makings of a beard. He had dark traces of hair forming all over his usually smooth cheeks. He looked utterly exhausted, but he seemed okay. He saw my tears and kissed my hairline. "You're intensive care...Do you remember what happened?" He asked. I couldn't even shake my head. I tried to make a noise with the back of my throat but he told me not to.

"Remember we were watching television and your breathing got really bad, and so we brought you in to emergency surgery because your heart didn't want to wait any longer." He explained, "And it went without a hitch, baby, and you're just recovering now - the scary part is over, so there's no need to cry..."

I started to remember fragments of the night he was talking about. I wondered how long ago that had been. I remembered being petrified of the surgery that Dr. Cavuoto had talked about and felt so relieved that it was actually done. Sometimes the anticipation was worse than the event itself.

Michael seemed to not leave over the next few days. Whenever I opened my eyes he was there and when the sedative doses were lowered, I spent more time with him. By the fourth day, I was apparently ready to breathe on my own, and the oxygen being pumped through the ventilator was gradually reduced so that I could begin working my lungs independently again. I was pleased to hear that, since I was tired of using a stupid code Michael and I had made up.

"Say yes by squeezing my thumb, and say no by squeezing my hand." He'd told me with a silly smile. I wished that I hadn't had a damn tube lodged down my neck, because I would have been smiling too. "And, poke my palm if you want me to go away, touch my wrist if you still wanna be my wife or pinch me if you want to file for divorce already." He laughed at his own joke. Naturally, I spent a lot of time caressing the inside of his wrist which made him smile a whole lot.

Just before Dr. Cavuoto arrived to give permission for the nurses to remove my tube, Michael had asked if it were completely safe and even suggested we wait a little longer to be on the safe-side, to which I narrowed my eyes at him and pinched him. He laughed lightly. "Too bad you can't actually speak, or else I might be a bit hurt." I was pissed though, I wanted that damn thing out. I wanted to speak again, I only imagined how torturous it would have been for someone who was born mute.

The process of taking the breathing tube out was a slow one. It was gross and uncomfortable and it involved tears and Michael's calming nature. Dr. Cavuoto seemed happy with my progress and wanted to immediately have me up and out of bed moving around so that fluid didn't settle in to my lungs. Breathing on my own felt difficult at first, but the breathlessness I'd felt pre-surgery was gone and it was a great relief. I didn't remember when the drainage tube from my lung had been removed, but it wasn't there anymore. My throat was hoarse and coughing was necessary, but it was agonizing.

"You're looking really good." He complimented me, "And so we'll sit you up a little bit for starters and when you get your wind back, we'll take you for a little walk."  This sounded like a task since I had a gaping freaking hole in my chest and it hurt with every inch that I moved.

I cleared my throat and mumbled a thank you as he left Michael and I to it.

Michael was smiling, "Do you know what he told me and your Mom and Dad last night? He said that your recovery was going so well and that he was pretty sure you were gonna be out of here a bit earlier than expected."

I was able to smile, but my lips were so disgusting and dry. "I do want to go home..." I murmured.

"Don't worry angel, it'll happen soon enough." He assured me, taking my hand. I wanted to hug my beautiful fiancé who had stood by me through thick and thin. I knew that by sitting as I was, with the blankets pulled under my chin, my chest covered by a manky hospital gown, looking bleak, sickly and lame, I was probably more of a turn off then I'd ever been, but he seemed to not even give that a thought.

"Remember there was a time when I used to put on make up even when you were dropping by my place to loan a book, or give one to me, or ... just to say hello..." My voice trailed off with a small, bashful smile.

Michael smiled too and nodded his head, remembering. "That was so cute. I could always tell when you were trying to look all hot for me." I felt myself blushing and went to say something else, but he cut in, "But you didn't realise it at the time, but I already thought you were beautiful from the second that I saw you, with or without make up..."

My heart warmed instantly. "So..." I breathed, "You seeing me like this--"

"Beautiful." He cut me off again, "I think you're beautiful no matter how sick you are, how much make up you do or don't have." He answered. The smile kind of faded from my lips as I thought about how another scar was going to look. I knew it would take a long time for it to completely heal. He studied my expression, trying to figure out what I was thinking. "I mean it..." He added, "I can't say that I'm finding your stomach bile tube all that attractive though..." He joked, "In fact, at first it made me feel a bit kinda sick..."

The stomach bile tube... gross. It went through my nose and in to my stomach so that all bile and other gross things would come up and not sit in my tummy and cause an infection. It was the so disgusting, but I hoped that it would come out soon enough. I managed a smile but I allowed it to disperse as quick as it came. "Michael..." I let my voice wander softly. He pulled his chair closer and looked at me expectantly. I felt his fingertips dancing around lightly in the palm of my hand. Sometimes his affection was so subtle, and probably just did it instinctively without really thinking, but those were the types of little things that comforted me the most. "I know you're going to say it's not a big deal but... I'm really sad about having another scar..."

His expression softened. "Jade, I'm only going to say it's not a big deal because it's not a big deal. Please don't think I'm going to find you any less attractive."

"I was just getting comfortable with being with you and...I know I should be happy that I'm okay-- but I already look like a freakin zipper." That made Michael smirk. I gave him a pout, and he wiped it right off of his lips. "Hey, I find your strength in your battle wounds kinda sexy if you want me to be honest... and sweetheart, my scars are gonna probably get worse too. We've both got insecurities, it's normal... but we love one another and we trust one another... there's not much else to worry about and no need to feel insecure in front of me."

He did make me feel a bit better. "You know what sucks?" I asked.

"No, what?"

"After our beautiful night on saturday... All I wanted to do was to get home and make love to you... I was so happy and I really thought it would have been the most perfect moment for us." I felt my cheeks blushing a little bit as I admitted it.

Michael grinned. He looked really sexy with his growing facial hair and his scruffy look. I wanted to run my fingers through his messy hair, and run my fingers along the makings of his beard. "It would have been perfect, but it doesn't matter. It just means the time wasn't right. There will be plenty of other special occasions." He promised me. I believed him, he always had the romantic tricks up his sleeve.

"Come here..." I beckoned him toward me. He came closer, thinking that I wanted to tell him something quietly, but I didn't. "I think you should always, always keep this..." I said, running the back of my fingers along his cheek. "You look so sexy...."

He giggled, "Jade, what is wrong with you, you're in the freakin' ICU, not Club Med." he joked.

"I'm just saying." I poked him softly in the cheek, "You're looking really gorgeous....but tired. How much sleep have you been getting?"

"Not a lot..." He admitted, "But I'm okay. I'm not too tired." I ran my fingers through his hair and it felt so good to touch anything but his hand which was as close contact as we'd been able to make.

"Well... maybe you should go home early tonight and get a good night's sleep, but if you shave, I'll have to hurt you." I joked. Well, actually it wasn't a joke. I was serious. I didn't want him to shave.

He laughed and ignored me. I was surprised moments later to see Michael's parents arriving together. I made a low growling noise as I saw Joseph walking over toward us. Michael lifted his head and seemed happy to see both of them.

"Wow! You are looking so much better, the tube is gone." Katherine smiled broadly at me. I couldn't remember either of them coming to see me at all before that, but the medication was pretty high, I only remembered small fragments of the past few days. She leaned over and gave me a kiss and then greeted her son. Joseph gave me a smile, it was more of a smirk than anything. I couldn't really figure it out. I threw Michael a quizzical look as his father stood behind him, patting him on the back as a form of greeting.

"Thank you." I smiled, "I feel it." To be honest, although I was grateful for them to visit, I really was enjoying my time alone with Michael.

**

We moved Jade out of intensive care a few days later back to her own private room. She was able to go for walks within her wing of the hospital but I was unfortunately unable to go with her because of media and fans everywhere. I didn't want to inconvenience either the hospital staff or Jade. It was bad enough they had to hire extra security to ensure that nobody would try to get to me. Once finding out Jade's ward, hoardes of flowers were sent from fans with gifts and more cards for her to get well soon which I thought was amazingly sweet, and Jade thought so too. In fact, so much so that we decided we would write a statement together and give it to Sarah to have my publicist read, simply saying thank you.

My brothers had since left to go home. We'd disbanded the tour until further notice, which a lot of people kicked up a fuss about, but ultimately the most important people realised that I didn't really have much of a choice and quite frankly, I wasn't about to leave my fiance just because a bunch of jerks were too selfish to realise that she was grimly ill.

It was cool to have Jade's parents around a lot too, it gave us all a chance to really bond together as a family. They were so pleased that I was going to be a member of their family, and I was perfectly honored to be a member of theirs. They had also never been abroad together, so it gave them a good chance to see some of Australia. As a gift to say congratulations to them for getting back together, Jade and I sent them off to Perth, a city across the other side of the country for three days, and also because they were beginning to smother and annoy her and wouldn't get the point when we wanted some quiet time to ourselves. They still called daily to make sure we were okay by ourselves and gave us running accounts of their trip.

"I'm bored..." Jade sighed, on her seventh day in the hospital. To tell the truth, I was bored too. I had, however managed to visit the children's ward for something to do when Jade was on her walks, which had been a lot of fun. I'd noticed that the wards were really understaffed and as a result the nurses and Doctors were completely run off their feet. I had visited with a little boy who had been ringing his buzzer constantly for nurses assistance to use the bathroom after having a surgery that had bed ridden him. I was the one who had to personally go and ask for a nurse for him. It seemed that the government didn't want to give health any more money than what they'd been given.

I talked about it with Jade, as it had concerned me a little and I felt bad that the health of children was being compromised because of staff cuts. Of course we didn't have the problem of her being overlooked because everyone was so quick to make sure Michael Jackson's fiance was well looked after. Sarah had approached me a few days later with a letter we had received from one of the biggest Australian Tabloid Magazine which was sourced by a trashy English newspaper. They offered me 2 million dollars to talk about the situation that had occurred with Jade, our engagement and more. I refused it, and then they offered me 3. Jade and I had laughed about it, because at that point no amount of money could make me speak.

"Remember when, you talked to me about the way the hospital was under-funded?" Jade asked me, turning away from the mind-numbing television that we'd been staring at for days now. I looked up at her and nodded, wondering where it was headed.

"Sure..." I replied. I turned the television down so that I could hear her better.

"Well... you know that interview they offered you?" She questioned me, her mind wandering. I could tell she had something on her mind.

"Yeah...." My voice trailed off. Her eyes burned in to mine, but she was absently thinking about something else.

"What if you were to do the interview and donate the money to the hospital, the childrens ward -- or split half between this hospital and another hospital, or a charity or something..." She suggested. "I mean, it's a thought, isn't it?"

I studied her as I processed what she had suggested. I wondered if she were serious. "You want people to know about what happened to you, and about our engagement and stuff?" I asked, knowing that they'd ask a bunch of stupid questions about my feelings and stuff. I hated interviews, I hated being taken out of context. I guess Jade did have a point.

She shrugged, "It doesn't bother me too much. They know we're engaged, they know I had open-heart surgery, in fact they've been making up far worse things, so why not set them straight? And if the money could help people, then it can only be good..."

I felt a bit selfish for not seeing it as she did. I mostly wanted to keep our relationship sacred, private and between us -- but she had a really good point. The media had gone to idiotic degrees in falsifying Jade's condition and calling it out as much worse than what it was. According to the newspapers, she was still in critical care hanging on by a thread for her life. We had laughed about it, but I suppose deep down inside Jade, there must have been an element of hurt that her life was turned in to public, house-hold entertainment.

"If you want me to do it, I'll do it." I smiled.

She shook her head, "No, honey. I don't want you to do it for me, I want you to do it if you want to do it. If you want to help the situation here like you seemed like you wanted, and if you really don't have a problem with speaking out. If you feel uncomfortable then don't, it doesn't worry me -- but I was just throwing the suggestion out there." She smiled.

"Okay... I'll do it. I'll see if I can get them to up their price." I smirked.

Jade laughed. "Only if you want, Michael... Please don't feel like I'm making you..."

And so it was decided that I was going to do the interview. I made a few calls when I got back to the hotel later in the evening for a good night's sleep. We scheduled an interviewer to arrive later the next evening. I was nervous. I hated interviews so much because they were known for misquoting-- although Sarah and I had drawn up a clause that the interview had to be approved by me and my management before going to print, so I was able to rest a little bit easier. I could at least show it to Jade so she could approve of the questions that were asked before hand.

Dr. Cavuoto came in a few minutes after I arrived the next morning, to remove her nasal tube and promised her that at any given day she could begin eating again. She had been complaining of a rumbling stomach and had irrational food cravings which made me laugh. The doctor warned her that she would need to start out on dry toast and crackers before eating anything too solid since it would upset her stomach.

"I want a freakin glass of coke and a hamburger." She complained to me once he'd left. I laughed. "I'm sorry baby... I wish I could help you out there..."

"Yeah, I bet you've been going back to the hotel and ordering room service." She narrowed her eyes, "I can tell. You've put on more weight!" My mouth dropped open with shock, "You're calling me fat?" I rose my eyebrow. I laughed from surprise. She finally dropped her accusatory tone and laughed too. "I'm just playing..."

"How's your chest going today?" I asked, moving around her room to check on things. Walking and moving still caused a lot of pain for her, she walked with the aid of two nurses and it seemed almost like she was learning to use her limbs again. She was still really weak and had a terrible cough, which we were assured was normal. I hated to see her in so much pain, but it was all part of the healing process and she dealt with it really well. I admired her strength throughout it all. I knew I would have been such a wuss, and probably would have thrown tantrums when I was forced out of bed to do what she was doing.

I guess she knew she didn't have a choice. She wanted to go home so badly that she was doing whatever it took to make sure it happened sooner rather than later.

"Not too bad." She replied, "But they're going to remove the morphine soon." She pouted, "Really loved that stuff..." We laughed. She had been on self-doses through the IV drip. Whenever she felt pain, she only had to press a button before a restricted amount of morphine was injected through her vein. She wasn't using it as often as she had been in the beginning and actually, they had cut the dosage by half.

"It'll be good once you're off it because it means that the pain is subsiding." I informed her. I sat down next to her on her bed. "I'm proud of you, you're doing so well with this...Just over a week and you're already walking around-- I didn't expect that at all... Especially after how I'd seen you after you came out of surgery." I said with a half smile.

"Really?" She asked, "Did I look really bad? Did I make you want to run away and never come back?"

I laughed, mostly because she kind of did. "Yeah..." I trailed off seriously, "You scared me. I don't know that I've ever been more scared. I was just robotic... I came in after they brought you to critical care... and I wanted to fall apart. I think your Dad grabbed me cause he was scared I was going to pass out or something."

Jade had a small smile upon her face. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you."

"That's okay... but I felt horrible. I couldn't stand to stay and see you like that... I was scared that your parents would think I was bailing on you but -- I just needed to leave because I didn't want to get angry, or start sobbing or act irrationally. I needed to save that for when I was in private in my own time... but God...." I felt my eyes tearing up even thinking back to how she had looked. "I really felt like I was going to lose you..."

She gave me a sympathetic glance and apologized again. She took my hand and kissed it. "Thank you for standing by me through this... everything you've done for me, I just appreciate it so much..." She smiled, "I'm sure you would have even done bed pan duty if I asked." She joked.

I laughed, "I would have! I love you Jade, I'd have done anything for you..."

She made a face, "Drawing the line Michael, drawing the damn line."

We laughed together. I kissed her softly and smiled at her. "Before I know it, I'll be taking you home. Maybe we can officially tell my Mom that you're moving in with me. I'm sure she'd understand with you being sick and all... and I'll bet she's probably certain we're sleeping together anyway."

Jade laughed, "I think it's so cute that you're so worried about what your Mom thinks, Michael... You know, she's not an idiot, she'd know that we don't just hold hands and kiss all day."

I laughed too at the irony, "Well, we haven't really been doing anything else, have we? Isn't it rather an ironic situation, though? Mom's probably certain we're always fooling around together, having a sexual relationship -- and here we are, engaged, both still sad and lonely virgins..." I added to be dramatic.

"Shut up... " She joked, "Speak for yourself... I'm a perfectly happy, unlonely virgin."

"Well... you know what I mean..." I laughed. I proceeded to tell her about how I'd have to leave early for the interview. This seemed to please her. "I got them to go up to 3.5 million and you know they're going to report that later as well -- but I don't care, they'll feel like jerks once they realise the money will be donated."

"Good!" She said, "I'm happy. It'll be good to set the story straight!"

I smiled, knowing that she was happy, made me happy.

Michael always knew how to make me smile.

I had been driving myself, and everyone else around me insane with boredom and I was growing more hostile toward the Dr’s and nurses each day. I hated them badgering me to go on walks, to blow in to the dumb machine to expand my lung capacity again. Everything was annoying me, right down to the stupid squeak that their shoe-soles made on the linoleum floor.

Things had at least begun to go a little bit more back to normal. Michael was working again. He had rented an apartment not too far from the hospital, to feel more homely than at the hotel. He had much more privacy as the fans and media had no idea where he was staying and it allowed him to come and go a little easier. He held meetings from his apartment and was apparently working on other things that he didn’t really get into with me.

It made me feel better to know that the world was starting to spin again. He still didn’t leave me for too long to my own devices, though, knowing how bored and pissed off I seemed to be getting.

He turned up at the end of my second week in the stay with a huge smile. Of course, immediately that brightened my mood. He passed me a magazine that showed a photo of him on the front cover. I smiled, I was really looking forward to reading it.  It was the interview that he’d completed the week before. It had gone to press. “I am the bearer of all good news…” He told me, kissing my lips.

“What’s the good news?” I asked taking the magazine. “Are they talking about the interview in the media or something?” I wondered curiously. There had been what seemed to be like a drought of good news for awhile, so I was excited to hear something pleasing.

“Well… I can’t say right this second, but I’m going to have a quick chat to Dr. Cavuoto, so why don’t you go ahead and read the article and I’ll be back in a few minutes?” He suggested. I had to admit, I was a little suspicious of what was up his sleeve. I agreed with a raised eyebrow. He smiled and left me alone with the magazine.

I admired the picture of him on the cover. I loved dramatic journalism. The photo was taken while He was standing out on the balcony of our hotel suite. He was looking out in to the distance.  I knew that they were trying to have him feign some dark, depressive expression – but he there was nothing fake about the look – he had had the dark broody and concerned look ever since I’d been rushed to hospital. His face was lined by dark hair, keeping his promise not to shave.

I finally peeled my eyes away from his gorgeous face on the magazine, it had been awhile since I’d seen him with any make up on. I liked him much better natural – but he still looked pretty freakin’ hot, with it.

A night that was supposed to be nothing short of a well-thought-out fairy-tale turned in to tragedy for world famous pop sensation, Michael Jackson early last week. Jackson, 25 had invited along long-term girlfriend, Jade Reily on his Asian and Australian Tour. It had been a joyful reunion having been separated for more than two months. It was on this trip that Jackson presented his new love before a 100,000 sell-out crowd and had decided that it was time to pop the question. Unfortunately the night took a turn for the worst when his fiance of only a few hours was rushed to hospital with a grim heart condition.

The singer granted Australian Weekly the first exclusive interview to break his silence about the roller-coaster of emotions that he has been riding ever since he arrived.

I rolled my eyes at the dramatic overtone, but it seemed a little surreal to see the media talking about me so frankly, as if I was anyone of importance.  I skipped over the rest of the opening to get to the questions asked by the Australian Weekly report Marie Forester.

MF: It must have been very exciting to have your girlfriend on stage with you during your first Sydney concert?

Michael: It was very, very exciting. It was a bit of a surprise to her, I think part of her wanted to murder me, while the other half was just as excited as I was.

MF: We had confirmation just three days ago that Jade and yourself were engaged and soon-after it had been leaked that you had proposed the night that she was rushed to hospital. How exactly did you pop the question?

Michael: [Michael shifts in his chair, thinking about the night seems to make him a little uneasy. He thinks about his answer before speaking straight away.] I didn’t want to do anything too extravagant. Jade and I, we’re a very simple and minimalist couple, which may be hard to believe. I didn’t want to do anything that would embarrass her and I knew that something small and romantic would impress her the most. I rented a small boat, we had dinner together on the Harbor under the stars… I proposed very traditionally by getting down on one knee—reduced her to tears, and she made me the happiest man in the world by accepting.

MF: You had a very public affair with Brooke Shield’s that lasted for quite some time – the world was surprised to find out that it didn’t work out – what did you find in Jade that you couldn’t find in someone in the industry, like Brooke.

Michael: Brooke and I were good friends and I enjoyed our time together immensely, but with all respect to her, there just wasn’t that electricity, you know, that connection that was missing – I found that in Jade. I liked that she was just a normal girl with a normal life. She had no ego about her, she was very honest with me, she was direct and I felt that instant connection with her that no one has ever measured up to.

MF: How different do you act when you’re in love?

Michael: [Michael smiles a little shyly and again takes time to consider the question.] I’ve never been in love like this. It didn’t take me very long at all to fall in love with Jade, and I just found that I wanted to spend all the time that I had with her – I wanted to put aside everything and just be with her. I’m usually pretty shy, but when I was sure that I’d ignited Jade’s interest in me, I was really persistent and stopped at nothing to win her over. That seemed to work really well for us. [Michael seems very happy to talk about his girlfriend, grinning from ear-to-ear.]

MF: It must have been devastating to have to end the night of your engagement on such a sour note. Take us through what happened after you both arrived back to the hotel.

Michael: [The singer shifts nervously in his seat and looks down turning more serious] I first noticed when she and I had been sitting down chatting after getting off the boat that she was a little out of breath. I was really worried, but I was trying not to make a big deal. She had been feeling out of sorts while we were in Thailand but refused to see a doctor. Once we got back to the hotel, it kind of came to a paramount. She finally admitted that she was dizzy and had chest pains. We bargained that if it didn’t go away within the hour, then I’d call a doctor—she got up to get changed and then she passed out.

MF: How did that make you feel? There reports that you were tearing down the halls, voicing your anger and devastation, directing your anger improperly.

Michael: My fiance had a weak pulse, I couldn’t seem to verbalize fast enough that we needed the emergency services. Everyone kept looking at me like they thought I was kidding – I got frustrated, but it’s a natural reaction. I needed help, I wasn’t messing around. Something like this has never happened to me before – and watching it happen to the most important person in my entire life. I was just lucky that my Mother was there. She knew exactly what to do and how to react.

MF: The medical situation was dire, wasn’t it? Jade’s condition needed immediate treatment? We were told that she needed open-heart surgery, can you confirm this?

Michael: She did need open heart surgery, but of course her condition is private, but I will say that it was the scariest moment of my life.

MF: Was it life threatening?

Michael: [He seems on the verge of tears as he nods slowly] I suppose any open-heart surgery is life threatening. [he clears his throat] Jade was stable for the first day, but by the night her oxygen levels had decreased rapidly and she needed the surgery immediately. It was very touch and go.

MF: What was it like for you, to see her after surgery?

Michael: Very, very difficult. I felt like my entire world was about to just fall apart. It was very hard. [Michael becomes emotional and stops the interview for a few moments to gather his composure]

MF: So on a brighter note, we hear Jade’s condition is doing much better. Have you been receiving lots of support from the fans?

Michael: Jade is doing much better. She’s recovering very well. The support from my fans has been absolutely overwhelming. Jade has been humbled by the hundreds of cards she has been sent and we both wanted to take this opportunity to thank every single person for their thoughts and prayers and gifts – it means so much to both of us.

MF: Do you and your fiance plan to start a family after you get married?

Michael: Of course we do. Jade and I both love children and becoming a father is a plan that excites me greatly and ultimately I couldn’t think of someone who would make a better mother to my children.

MF: Do you hope to marry sooner rather than later?

Michael: We won’t be giving away too much, but it won’t be too far down the track. Right now the main concern is making sure Jade is back to good health.

MF: Lastly, where do you see yourself in 12 months time?

Michael: Finished with the rest of the tour with my brother’s and hopefully settled in to married life with my beautiful wife with a little more time on my hands for relaxing.

I put down the magazine and wiped some tears that had welled in my eyes. I loved the article. They had quoted him well, and it made him seem much more human, rather than just a guy who sang songs and danced like some kind of crazy machine. Unfortunately it was hard to people to relate to Michael because the media didn’t treat him like a regular person – I knew this interview would help to convey him a whole lot better. Personal pain and tribulations could have really helped people level with him a whole lot better. It was sad but true.

After about ten minutes Michael came back to me, followed closely by Dr. Cavuoto. Michael was smiling like the Cheshire cat. I wondered what was going on.

“What’s going on?” I wanted to know. Michael looked to my doctor who smirked.

“Go ahead, you do the honors.” He prompted Michael.

He didn’t need to be asked twice. “Okay, I’m allowed to take you home—“ I felt myself grinning. “But there’s some ground rules.”

“Anything!” I exclaimed, “Oh man, you do mean home to America, right?”

Dr. Cavuoto smiled and nodded. “You’ll have to take a Dr. on flight with you on stand-by incase anything goes wrong – but as long as you keep comfortable, warm and of course take your regular walks, you’ll be fine.”

I was so frigging excited. I was a little bit nervous. Although I was already walking around, I was still quite immobile and couldn’t walk very long distances. It hurt to move around too much, but that was just a given with the gaping hole in my stupid chest. I was given oxygen at night through a ventilation mask, but besides that I was pretty much my old-self. “I can’t wait to get home.” I said, feeling overwhelmed. My parents had only left to go home a few days ago. They had been driving me nuts and weren’t helping my moods. Michael and I convinced them that I’d be home in no time and that their worries were over. I’d felt a bit bad for seeming so ungrateful, but recovery was way too hard with my overprotective Dad on my case.

“When can I go?” I asked, looking from Michael to my Dr.

“I’ll let Michael decide. You do realize though, Jade, when you get home you’ll need some constant care for the first few weeks. You’ll need to stay off your feet, you’ll need to go to physiotherapy for a short time until you are fully recovered. This means absolutely no unnecessary stress, no strenuous activity, no partying, no – really, doing anything except resting and taking your walks.

“Believe me, I’ll be making sure she sticks to that.” Michael interjected. I knew he was going to be a hundred percent true to his word.

“Thank you Dr. Cavuoto.” I said appreciatively. “You’ve really made my day.”

“I’m glad.” He smiled, patting my shoulder. “And so whenever you are ready to go, you’ll just have to discharge yourself. I’ll be in contact with your cardiologist back in Los Angeles. If you have any problems you can contact me directly.” He said kindly, “apart from that, I hope that I never see you again.”

We laughed at his weak doctor joke. We thanked him probably a million more times for everything he had done for us before he left.

“I’m so excited!” I told Michael with a silly giggle. “I can’t wait to get back to your place. It’s so comfortable and we don’t have to live with just four stupid television channels filled with strange sitcoms…”

He giggled and gave me a hug. “I can’t wait for us to get home either. We can get you all properly moved in and relax a little more without having to worry about who might see us.”

“Thank you.” I pulled him toward me by his wrist and gave him a soft kiss. “For everything you said in the magazine… and for bringing a smile to my face today.”

“You’re very welcome. All I have to do now, baby, is organize our flights. We can leave tomorrow if you want.”

“Please.” He laughed. He knew how badly I wanted to get out of the hospital. It was gloomy and depressing and I couldn’t rest because people were always in and out checking up on me.

“Okay beautiful.” He agreed. “We’re out of here.”

**

I loved my house. I loved to be surrounded by my own creature comforts. I loved being able to move about without having to be at all careful of who might see me. I didn’t have to put on make up over any part of me to walk around the house. I could wear boxers and t shirts and not care about what someone would think – and best of all I could relax.

Jade was doing a lot better. It was a long flight home, but she seemed okay. We got up and walked around lots, even though she hated us for it. We were glad for the privacy again. Her Mom and Dad came to visit the same night that we arrived home. Jade wasn’t really in the mood for visitors, she was feeling jetlagged and sore and just wanted to go to sleep on the couch in front of the television.

“It must be so good to be home, huh?” John asked me as I showed him to the kitchen so that I could make him and his wife some coffee. They seemed to be a little taken-aback by the extravagance of my place. I suppose to me it wasn’t really a big deal anymore – I guess that there was so much to be said for taking good fortune for granted. He kept looking around the rooms with big-eyes, trying his best not to seem too impressed.

I didn’t think that I was any better for having more assets and luxury than Jade’s family – I was just very, very blessed to be able to provide for myself and my own family at such an early age. John, on the other hand, was such a working class man. From what he had told me and from stories that Jade had told me, he was very hardworking. He still worked full time doing hard labor as a tradesman at 52 years old. He ran his own business, so was able to call his own shots – but mostly he liked to keep busy. It was just something else I admired about him.

“Yeah, it’s great to be back… I guess I feel safer in a sense too, Jade’s doctors are here and we trust them more than we trust the doctors in a foreign country.” I replied, turning the jug on. I was absolutely hopeless at making coffee or tea. I wasn’t much of a coffee drinker and when I did, I scooped chocolate powder with it to take away the bitterness. Jade was the coffee drinker. 

Watching me gingerly take the jar of coffee grinds and pause to guess how much coffee I should put in, he smiled. “Oh here, let me do it… you’re hopeless.” He teased me, grabbing the spoon and the jar of coffee.

“I’m sorry.” I apologized feeling a little embarrassed. “I don’t drink coffee.”

He just laughed. “Come here… I’ll show you…” It wasn’t in the same kind of unkind way my Father would have spoken to me. He said it like he was happy to teach me, like I shouldn’t really despite his joke, feel too stupid. I did feel a bit dumb though, it was pretty straight forward.

Jade’s parents were so kind to me, they treated me just like I was part of the family. They always included me in on family information and called me often to see how I was. I felt really comfortable and bonded. It was something new to me to have someone besides Jade or my Mom call simply to ask how I was doing.

“You know Michael…” John began, looking around to the photograph of Jade and I that I’d stuck to the refrigerator before I’d gone away on tour. “From the moment you shook my hand and looked me dead in the eye the first time I met you, I felt like I could trust you with my daughter.” He paused and glanced down at his coffee as he stirred in the suger, “But of course—there’s always room to be wrong.” I wondered if he was trying to compliment me.

“You’ll learn when you become a parent that we have an intuition beyond understanding when it comes to your own children. And I had a feeling that something wasn’t right—Call it a sixth sense, if you want…” his voice trailed off. He leaned against the counter while I fixed myself a glass of water and Jade, a hot chocolate by her request, listening to what her father was telling me. “When we got your mother’s call Michael, the only thing that kept me from going completely insane was the consolation that you were there with her. I trusted you completely and you truly pulled through for her.”

“Of course…” I said kinda meekly. “I love Jade. I would never have left her side, I hope you know that, John. I just …” I exhaled deeply, I don’t think I would ever be able to verbalize the emotions that I experienced on the night of our engagement. It had been the ultimate roller-coaster of joy quickly-turned to turmoil.

John patted my shoulder as if to tell me I didn’t need to go on. “The point is, you proved yourself worthy of my and Maureen’s trust well before you took her on tour – but what happened and your dedication to her just cemented my admiration and trust in you.”

I felt a shy smile draw to my lips. “Thanks… that means a lot to me.” I told him sincerely. “I really look up to you—“ I blurted out. Normally, I would have kept that kind of information to myself.

John smiled back and gave me a pat on the back. “You’re a real good kid, Michael. I consider my wife and I lucky to have you as part of my family. We couldn’t have hoped for a better son-in-law.”

I felt really important, loved even. It was a strange thing not to be so alone anymore. It was a feeling in which I whole-heartedly embraced. I didn’t feel scared of pouring my heart in to Jade, or even to either of her parents. “Thanks…” I murmured. I ducked my head bashfully.

“I don’t have the greatest relationship with my father… or the rest of my family really.” I confided in him, “And I find it really interesting and beautiful that you and Maureen are so close to Jade … she talks about her grandmother a lot too…”

John kind of frowned, “I mean – my parents did what they thought was the best for us.” I quickly said, defending what I’d just said, “I appreciate them of course…My Mom and I talk often, but she worries about everything far too much – and I have to share her with 8 other kids.”

He gave a laugh. “Michael, if you ever need anyone you can always come to Maureen or myself, you know that, right?”

“Thanks.” I said with a nod. I didn’t know that, but it was such a comfort to hear. I hoped that if I ever really did need a bit of advice, I could actually go to either of them without feeling too proud.

**

I was happy that the excessive weight Jade had lost while I had been away on tour had been put back on again, even if it was due to lack of exercise. She had been looking too gaunt and had lost weight from all the wrong places. She was certainly still quite pale and had some dark circles under her eyes, but at least she was getting back to good health.

“I’m hungry…” She yawned, pulling back the blanket to get up from the couch. I rushed to her side, “No… don’t get up, what do you want, I’ll get it for you.” I told her. She gave me a funny look.

“I want candy.” She replied

I glanced at her with a raised eyebrow. “Jade, you need to be eating real food to get your strength back up. Why don’t I just make us a proper lunch?” I worried about her. Jade’s doctor had suggested that we eat completely balanced meals for a little while.

She sighed and said nothing. I fixed her blanket and gave her a kiss on the forehead. I knew she was probably frustrated from being so bed-ridden, but I valued her health far too much to let her jeopardize it at all. I wanted her to be fit and healthy.

“Do you want to watch a movie or something?” I asked, picking up the remote control as I got up. She shook her head. I put it down beside her. “Well… maybe you can find something to watch while I make lunch.”

I wasn’t all that elaborate in the kitchen, but I had miraculously improved since Jade had taught me a thing or two. So far I’d mastered three dishes. Chicken stir-fry, uncrunchy bolognase and grilled fish with salad. I would do the fish and salad, it was the quickest and easiest to make and she needed iron, more than anything else.

I felt like she was a little bit annoyed with me, so I tried to be extra sweet and extra caring just so as she would see that although I might have been a little over-baring, it was only out of my love and concern.

I was in a bad mood. I just wanted to get up and get my own drink, I wanted to do some things for myself and Michael wasn’t letting me. Apart from coercing me out of bed and for a walk around the apartment of a morning and late afternoon, he wasn’t letting me do much else and it was starting to bug me.

It wasn’t that I didn’t appreciate him and all that he was doing for me, because I did. I just needed to have him lay off a bit. I was a particularly independent person and I was used to doing things my own way. I was used to being the one taking care of him. He refused to go back to work until I was better, and when he did go anywhere he ordered either my Mom or his Mom to come and sit with me. My life hit an all time new low when he asked that Sarah come and babysit me for an afternoon. It was so bloody annoying.

And of course everyone agreed with him. Mom had told me that Gaby had been trying to put calls through for a week and hadn’t realized that I was staying with Michael. I’d heard from her briefly before we arrived home. She and I had glossed over the details of what was going on with Michael, but I wasn’t really up to talking about it.

After she had recovered completely from her own accident, she and I had grown closer once again. I’d let her in on the little secret that I had a boyfriend which she found almost impossible to believe – I didn’t, however, disclose that my boyfriend happened to be Michael Jackson. She didn’t really care about that when she had contacted me during my hospital stay. She asked no questions about him until I brought it up. I had apologized for not being completely honest, but she assured me that it wasn’t really a big deal.

I was planning on inviting her over just so as I could give Michael and I some time to ourselves. I know he had to have something to do, and I just knew that my best friend would allow me to be just a bit naughty.

**

“Baby, I feel bad going to work.” Michael complained as he sat down beside me on top of the covers. He was half-dressed, wearing black jeans and a shirt that he hadn’t yet buttoned up.

I glanced at him and felt a twinge of guilt for having been annoyed with him. He looked so sweet when he was concerned. I loved him for it. He leaned over and stroked my hair. “What time is Gaby coming over?” He asked for the eightieth time. The same time she was coming over the last time you asked. I thought to myself.

“Around ten.” I replied as if I hadn’t already answered him. “Don’t worry, sweetheart, I’ll be fine.” I assured him, reaching up from under the covers to stroke his fuzzy cheek. He looked so sexy when he went for a couple days without shaving. “I’ll probably just sleep until then, anyway.”

“Are you sure you’re going to be okay to get up and open the door for her?” he sighed as if he had a sudden change of heart, “Jade… I’m going to wait ‘til she arrives.”

I closed my eyes and summed up all my strength. “Michael.” I breathed deeply; “I’m fine. Please, I’m not an invalid.”

He kissed my forehead. “Okay, okay… I guess I’ll see you about 2.”

I just nodded and smiled faintly. “Promise me you’ll sleep until ten? I know you won’t rest much today with your friend here…” During the days I had done nothing but sleep and quite frankly, I was tired of it. It was bringing my mood down. I tried not to let that on to Michael though, despite how over-dramatic he could be, he was only doing what he thought was best for me. If he knew that I found it depressing to be there, then he would probably feel like he wasn’t doing enough – and I wasn’t sure that I could bare it if he were to coddle me more.

“I promise.” I replied, mostly because I was feeling too weak to argue. Oh who was I kidding? It wasn’t like there was anything else for me to do. I could sleep or watch TV – wow the choices were just so fucking overwhelming.

“Love you.” He as he stood up, having put his loafers on.

“Love you too.” I replied, kissing his lips goodbye.

**

I had agreed to leave Jade to her own devices until Gabrielle arrived, but I just couldn’t. I guess that I was slightly traumatized by what had happened back in Sydney when I didn’t trust my instincts and just take charge of the situation when I was certain she needed a doctor.

Gaby knocked on the door about 5 to 10am. I had earlier informed the security desk that we would be expecting someone so that they could let her on up without phoning us. I didn’t want Jade to have to get up twice. I was going to leave my apartment unlocked. No one was about to sneak in. I hadn’t seen Gaby since she was in a coma. I wasn’t really sure what to expect.

I opened it and smiled a little shyly. I hoped and prayed that she wouldn’t react too fan-like. I didn’t particularly want Jade to be disturbed if she was sleeping. I was greeted by a rather reserved looking girl who looked nothing at all like the one I had witnessed a long time back when I’d first got to know Jade. “You must be Gabrielle.” I stated the obvious.

“I am.” She replied. Her voice was soft. She looked a little startled to see me, but obviously she was trying not to let that throw her. I stepped aside to let her in. She was slender and just a little bit shorter than I was. She had eyes blue as the ocean and hair blond like the ocean – a stereotypical California girl. She was the type of girl that one of my brothers would have thrown themselves at. She was beautiful just as Jade had described her to be, but definitely not my style.

Then again, I supposed I was a biased man.

I extended my hand. “I’m Michael, it’s a pleasure to meet you.”

She shook my hand politely and came inside. “Likewise.” She murmured. She looked around my apartment before I told her what was going on. “Jade’s upstairs in bed so feel free to head up there. It’s the first bedroom on the right.”

“Okay… Thanks.” She paused, clutching at the strap on her green handbag. Oh, cherish 1985, I thought, looking down at it. It clashed dangerously well with her light blue jeans and oversized cream sweater. Not like I was one to talk though. “Um, how is Jade doing, anyway? I figured I might be able to get a more honest answer from you.”

Honestly? Jade was mostly grumpy and seemed as though she was getting frustrated with me and would have much preferred being alone – that made me feel a little bad, but I knew that it came with the healing process. “She’s doing well.” I replied as a half-truth. Health-wise she was as well as she could be. “She’s getting a lot of rest.” Finally I smiled, “I think she could really use some new company. I’m sure I’m starting to get on her nerves.”

Gabrielle smiled in return.

“Okay well, look… I’ll see you both later this afternoon. It was nice to meet you again.”

“Nice to meet you too.” Gaby replied and watched me walk out the door.

**

I was seething when Gaby had told me that Michael had greeted her at the door before he had left. It pissed me off that he was pretending to leave to go to work, when really he didn’t trust my own judgment of my health. I was fine. I knew I was fine. What I was sick of was him treating me like I was still on my fucking deathbed. What I needed was for him to just let up a little and let me start to get mobile again.

“Calm down, it’s not a big deal, Jade. He just really cares about you.” Gabrielle told me gently when I relayed my frustration to her. She smiled warmly, tossing her golden hair over her shoulder, “I think you’re kinda lucky. I read the interview—“

Ah yes, the world famous interview. It apparently got picked up by about a thousand stupid freakin’ press agents and reprinted all over the globe. I couldn’t really believe that it was such a huge deal to them. Who hadn’t seen it, was more the question. They even apparently reported on it on all the entertainment television shows.

I hated that I was probably coming across as such an ingrate but – it was so hard. Sometimes I just needed time alone. It was difficult for me to get my head around everything that had gone on and at times, I found myself getting really sad about it. My self-worth had really plummeted since the operation, and my spirits were down. I just sighed and looked at my best friend, someone I hadn’t seen in over a month.

I guess my emotions were written all over my face because her sentence stopped short and she leaned down to hug me tightly. “I’m sorry Jade—I can’t assume to know how you feel.”

That wasn’t entirely true, I thought, it was just under a year earlier that Gabrielle had had her own brush with death. I hugged her back gingerly. My chest was still really sore to the touch.

“You do know.” I replied, feeling my eyes fill with tears. “I just feel like I’m never going to feel one hundred percent at this rate.” I quickly wiped them away.

She looked at me as if she were trying to think up a solution to my bad mood. “You know what? Why don’t you get out of bed, get dressed in some casual clothes and I’ll take you for a drive – we can go sit at the beach or something, just so you can have some fresh air.”

The beach was only walking distance. Well, walking distance if your rib cage hadn’t been forced apart and your chest gashed open. In fact, from the balcony extending from Michael’s family room we could see the sea. That was another thing. I didn’t even know if I felt like leaving the house – I felt like crying just because I could.

“We don’t have to…” She added when she realized how forlorn I was about the whole thing. “Do you want some time alone? I could leave if you wanted me to.” She suggested. Her blue eyes burned in to mine. I could tell she was just desperate to make me feel better.

“No, I don’t want you to go. You just got here.” I answered. I was being selfish. Gaby and I had a lot to talk about. I rubbed my eyes, “Let’s do the beach thing.” I mumbled. I guess I was more-or-less indifferent to the idea. I guessed it would be nice to get out.

**

Gosh it did feel good to get the wind in my hair. It was cool outside, typical fall weather. Gabs and I sat side by side on a bench by the path of a grassy knoll. I hated sand and refused to go down to it unless I was swimming. I felt a little more relaxed.

“I can’t believe you’re engaged.” Gaby murmured, holding my hand in hers, gazing down at my ring longingly. I felt a twinge of guilt. I knew that it was her dream to be married by twenty-five with two kids and a devoted, perfect husband.

Thankfully after her over-dose saga, she had stepped away from her old lifestyle. She stopped seeing her so-called friends, she stopped partying. She now led a very mundane life after moving back home with her parents.

“Me either…” I said quietly. She let go of my hand and I pulled it back in to my lap.

“You know what, Jade—“ She began, “I wished I could have been more like you—I wish that I didn’t care what anyone thought of me. You know, you’ve always been so brutally honest with everyone even if that meant upsetting someone here or there – at least that way people could never accuse you of being a fraud when they got to know the real you.”

I felt my stomach lurch. I knew everything that I used to be was nothing more than a bitter, cynical façade that I liked to believe no one saw through. I didn’t really know what to say to my friend, but she wasn’t finished.

“I mean—I always knew something special was going to happen to you – that you were going to be happy because you never just settled for someone who was simply good enough.”

I couldn’t believe my ears. I don’t know what strange, higher being decided that I was someone worthy of Michael’s love. Something she said kind of stuck a chord within me. “I hope he didn’t settle for simply good enough.” I blurted out.

Gaby smiled. “Of course he didn’t.” I tried to look at my best friend from an unbiased view. She was easily the most attractive woman I’d ever seen. “You’ve always been this beautiful shy, sweet girl- Jade, you’ve just sat back and let everyone have the damn lime-light. I always thought that if you ever just stopped and picked your eyes up from off of your feet, you would have seen that steady line of guys waiting to be with you.”

I almost laughed at the cheesiness of it all. I didn’t quite realize right away that she was trying to have a heart-to-heart with me. I wasn’t good at this, not with Gaby, not with anyone really except my parents or Michael. I guess I’d softened though over the past year. “That’s not true, Gaby. I was a bitter little bitch and you know it. Guys hated me because I was far too much effort.”

She shook her head, trying to contradict me. “I just wish—I don’t know – that I had of listened to you more when you warned me about everything in my life. I wish that I knew then that I didn’t always have to succumb to things that I already knew were bad just to make people like me more. Your friendship with me was worth more than anyone else’s.”

“Everyone makes mistakes, and everyone has to make their own. What doesn’t kill us only makes us stronger.” I replied gently, touching her shoulder. “I guess it’s just a part of growing up, Gabs, these things are supposed to happen.”

She let my sentiments digest for a few moments as we stared off in to our own respective silences. My depressive mood really did seem to bring her down as well, and I felt a bit bad for that.

“Why didn’t you ever tell anyone about Aaron?” She wondered out loud. I was so shocked by hearing his name spoken out loud that my first instinct was to snap at her to mind her own fucking business. Hearing his name was like rubbing citrus juice in to an open wound.

“Why didn’t you ever tell anyone about Kyle?” I shot back. Kyle, as the events had turned was the boyfriend that she had acquired who had raped her not once, twice, but five times – the one she was too scared to leave for fear that the threats he tormented her with would materialize. 

That certainly shut her up. She sighed. “At least you found someone who loves you so much. You are so lucky to have found that.”

“And so will you.” I promised her, “it might not happen right away—but I promise you that someone will see you for just how special you are.” I informed her.

We sat for a few hours talking. We shared some silence until I saw some dick-breath down the path a little taking photographs of us. The stupid paparazzi moved closer with each click of his stupid camera. “We’ve got to go.” I informed Gaby as she noticed him probably the same time I did. I hated the paps. They had been on Michael’s ass whenever he left or came home from anywhere.

She grabbed my hand and helped me up. I moved at the speed of an 86 year-old. I was slow to my feet and had to be careful which way I moved. I was scared that I was going to bust a stitch or something even though everyone had assured me that it wasn’t possible since the stitches that the surgeons had used were dissolvable. “Fuck off!” Gaby spat, as soon as the pap got within a meter of us.

“Let’s just go back home.” I said quietly. It was best not to give them too much attention. Usually it excited them more to have furious photos taken. She put her arm around me protectively. I tried to walk as straight as I could, so as not to signify that I was still very ill. It was hard to stand up straight with my incision. A lot of the time, I walked with a hugely noticeable hunch because it seemed less painful. It wasn’t as bad as it had been and as the days progressed, I was able to stand a little taller.

We got in the car and headed back to the apartment.

**

I was pretty tired once we got back, despite that though, I was in better spirits. I didn’t even care too much about the idiot pap that we had left outside the apartment compound. I opened the door to the apartment and hobbled inside, leaving Gaby to close it behind her. The plan was to retreat to the living room and play our afternoon off like nothing had happened – it was definitely something that I wouldn’t be sharing with Michael.

Too late for that though.

He glanced up expectantly from the couch in the living room, catching both Gaby and I completely off guard. “Where on earth have you been?” he wanted to know, rising up. He put his hand to his forehead that was creased with worry lines. Part of me felt so guilty that he had been concerned, but the other half of me felt angry that I felt as though I had to even answer to him. “I was so worried, where did you go?”

“Hello to you too, Michael.” I responded sharply.

“We just took a short drive down to the beach so Jade could get some air.” Gaby supplied. “But don’t worry, I didn’t let her walk around much.” She quickly added, bless her heart, trying to get me out of trouble and save us all an argument.

I knew Michael was remaining as calm as he could in front of my company, and I too, didn’t want to cause a scene but I felt a belittled and even embarrassed that he was treating me like a child, admonishing me in front of my friend. “You guys could have went out on the balcony.” He pointed to it feebly.

“I wanted to just friggin’ go out, okay?” I finally snapped at him before walking straight past him and taking a seat on the couch. He gave us both a tight smile. I knew he was angry, upset – whatever, but I just didn’t give a shit. I was so over having to answer or ask him each time I wanted something when I knew I was okay to just do it myself.

“Okay. Well, I guess I’ll just be upstairs if you’re looking for me.” He gave Gaby another smile, “I’ll see you next time.”

She returned the smile awkwardly. The tension was so thick that an axe couldn’t have chopped through it. As soon as he was out of earshot Gaby turned to me.

“Jade, I think I should go…”

“Why?” I asked, furrowing my brow, “cause he’s having a wet eye that we left the house for awhile? Come off it. I’m not going to let him treat me like a ten year old, Gaby, now sit down, we’re watching a movie!” I said, grumpily, flipping on the television to indicate that there would be no further argument.

Ah, shit, I was so ironic.

So we sat and watched a movie and slowly my conscience began eating at me. I felt bad that I had clearly upset Michael and ordered my friend to stay when it was obvious that she felt uncomfortable now.

“I’m sorry.” I told her with a sigh after we’d sat in silence watching TV, “If you want to, just go…. I better sort this stuff out.” I sighed.

She gave me a little smile. “Jade, don’t be so mad at him, he’s just worried about you… that’s not a bad thing. It’s gotta be nice to have someone fuss over you, who cares…” her voice trailed off. Suddenly I felt like a jerk, like I should have been grateful that someone cared for me so much, but more than anything I found it all so overbearing. Was I asking for too much? Just to get up and get my own drink now and then or do something besides use the bathroom and carefully bathe?

I didn’t think so, but apparently everyone else did. “I know…” I agreed out of convenience.

“Well… I’ll let myself out.” Gaby replied giving me a kiss on the cheek. I watched after her until I heard the front door close. I lay down on the couch, thinking about calling out to Michael, but I really just wanted to be on my own for awhile.

**

I was livid. I couldn’t figure out why Jade and her friend had thought that she would be okay to go out. There were lots of things that Jade needed to consider before starting to go back in to public. Everyone knew her now, they knew her face, they knew who she was – I didn’t want her to get harassed, I didn’t want anyone to hurt her – and first and foremost, I wasn’t entirely sure she was well enough to be getting around on her own. She barely left bed for more than a few minutes at a time. She had to be careful of getting sick or catching germs because it could highly affect her recovery.

I was so fucking worried about her twenty-four-seven. I hadn’t been able to work with a sound mind since all I could think of was if she was okay at home with her friend. I sighed. I knew Jade was mad at me and I wasn’t at all used to that and it made me a little bit sad. I guess she and I had been together for just over a year now and there were firsts in every relationship. There was a first kiss, first touch, first date, first exchange of “I love you”, -- it made sense that there would be a first time for anger.

Stress had really been taking it’s toll on both of us, I think Jade sometimes failed to realize that extent in which I cared for her. She was still sometimes in the mind-frame that she could only depend on herself when something was wrong – but it wasn’t true. I loved her so much and we were in all of this together. I knew that if the tables were turned she would do the exact same thing for me, regardless of how grumpy and annoyed I got with her.

I slowly descended the stairs with a heavy heart and heavy footsteps.

She glanced at me as I entered the living room and smiled. I was a little bit surprised. For some reason, I had expected that she would get angry with me. I sat down on the edge of the couch beside her. I kissed her forehead. She was sprawled out across the couch with a crocheted blanket that she had told me her grandmother had made for her, over her. She looked really tired which made me feel a little annoyed that she had overexerted herself. “I’m sorry for making you worry, but I was fine. I really just wanted to sit outside for a little while. We were just down at the beach and we didn’t stay that long.” She explained to me.

I didn’t say anything, how could I? She hadn’t meant to worry me. She was sorry. I kissed her lips gently. She kissed me back, showing a sign of wanting more from me than just a quick, peck. I had to admit, it had been such a long time since we had shared any physical intimacy at all. I forgot the last time that we sat and made out. It all came down to not wanting to overdo it with her.

Instead, I gently nuzzled her cheek with a little smile, before pulling away. A cop out, I was sure, but nevertheless, what was the point in working ourselves up? We’d both end up all breathless and full of desire and … she didn’t need that, and quite frankly, neither did I.