Date: Sep 21, 2017 10:57 am Title: The Chair
One question: WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?!!
[Report This]Date: Apr 06, 2015 07:50 am Title: The Chair
the ending is such a cliff-hanger! this is really good so far!
[Report This]Date: Apr 05, 2015 09:55 pm Title: The Chair
One thing that irks me is when one character "somehow" knows another character does something. I think that challenges a reader's ability to suspend disbelief. Filling in how a character knows something, makes it easier on the reader.
I think the best moments are when Michael and Lori are talking. Those feel realistic and it makes me want to keep reading.That and when Michael spoke as she tried to get away.
One thing I think you might want to keep in mind, going forward, is what Michael's personality is and how fast you decide to have him switch moods. If you are trying to show him as being warped/conflicted, I'd slow down the mood switches and make them a bit less extreme.
Ooh. I like the last line. You've got me hooked. I'll be watching for your next update!
Author's Response:
Thank you for taking the taking the time out to read my story and reviewing. I can't tell you how much I am thankful for it. This will really help me to become a better writer.
-I am not used to writing with third person so I'm planning on switching to first person soon (actually I was suppose to do it already lol).
-I am going to develop Michael's character more to avoid those extremely fast switching moodswings.
-And I'll explain how he knew she was escaping.
....
-Oh! and I'll update too, lol.
Once again, Thank you so much for your help!
Date: Apr 05, 2015 09:42 pm Title: Wide Smile
Okay, so my thoughts:
I was confused in the beginning, but once Michael captured her, I felt like I had better grounding.
What stood out to me was how fast things moved. I think her first interaction with Michael would come to life with more description. Though, I imagine that will happen more with time. I think part of that is because you are doing third person omniscient.
There are some minor typos that change the meaning of what you are saying (e.g. "So is she gonna be apart of the team?” where 'apart' should be 'a part'), but there aren't a ridiculous number.
In general, though, I'm very curious as to what will happen. I don't typically read stories until they are substantial, otherwise I would have. I think you have a unique plotline and I'm curious about some of these hints you've dropped.
Oh, summary wise - I love the line you put in the summary, but I feel as though I have absolutely no clue as to what the story will be about, by looking at that. Perhaps you might benefit from adding a sentence or two? Onto the next chapter :)
Date: Mar 30, 2015 07:52 am Title: Wide Smile
Hmm, I'm intrigued. Please keep going.
Author's Response:
Lol I definately will!
[Report This]Date: Mar 28, 2015 05:59 pm Title: Wide Smile
Amazing. I love it. I can't wait for the next chapter.
Author's Response:
Thank you! and its up.