Date: Nov 08, 2014 11:45 am Title: Chapter 2 - The Maestro
You made this one longer. Excellent. *makes evil pyramid with hands*
"Her scanned over the mansion one last time, and suddenly got stuck on something." This single sentence manages to mess up the entire rest of the story. What got stuck on what? Who? How?
Now, since you said you were bad at going horror scenes, I realize you'll probably chalk it up to that. But I wouldn't even really call this a horror scene. I've reread the last four paragraphs multiple times now, and I still don't understand what happened. She got something caught on a rock, and it turned out to be a person? How would she confuse a person, even a rotten corpse, for a rock? Did she fall in an open grave and get her foot stuck under a casket? Is it a talking tree like in the Wizard of Oz? I mean, there's nothing wrong with adding to the lineup of ghouls and ghosts in the mansion, but you need to be more specific with what exactly it is that she found.
And this is more of a peeve of mine, but in the dialogue with the woman while she was looking at the map didn't read very well. Nervous people don't s-stammer l-like th-th-this, unless it's for comedic effect. (Or a reference to I,Claudius, which is a great show that can be watched for free on Youtube, btw. Lol.) It's usually just the first word they get stuck on, and then the rest comes out pretty fast. Also, if the adults don't want people going to Someplace Else, why would they plainly mark it on a public map to begin with? It would make more sense if David actually gave her a map, maybe an old one he found, or gave her directions to assure her it wasn't too far away. Or something like that.
OHMYGAWD. Another typo... and I understand what you meant. It was pretty unclear, so I'll have to edit that. *Pulls hair* Thanks a lot for that critism, and it really helped me a lot! Thank you again! :D
Date: Nov 07, 2014 06:11 am Title: Chapter 1 - The Boring Town
Ahh lol I just did some stalking and as of right now I'm guessing you're 12??? Wow. I seriously thought I was the youngest one on here XD i'm 13, but I'm closer to 14 than 13. You write very well for so young... you're like the same age as my sister haha. That's so strange to imagine.
But anyway. You are so brave. I would never ever put fanfics up anywhere XD
Keep writing <3 good luck SEVVIE!! (you are a sevvie, aren't you....??)
You stalker! *Le jaw drop* Haha, anyway- nah, I WAS 12 a month ago, but I'm 13 now! (Oh cats, I'm going to be a freaking adult in only FIVE years! Save me, somebody... T.T)
Lol, then we're (almost) the same age! High five? XD (And thank you so much for the compliment! *hugz*)
Brave? Nah, I'm just shameless. XD But you should put up some, you know! I bet they'd be awesome! :3 And there are horrible writers out there (no offense to anyone, I was, and is still horrible,) and they put fics after fics without qualms. So you shan't feel any fear- your grammars so good~ :D
Thank you so much. :3 You too! And haha, I had no idea what a sevvie was. Lolz. XD I just googled it. I'm a 6th grader- but in January, consider me one! (a 'sevvie') ^u^
Hehehe~ *creepy laughter*
Date: Nov 07, 2014 05:53 am Title: Chapter 1 - The Boring Town
Ahh the little details first --
"Her aunt was probably looking for aunt".... Well. That's kind of self-explanatory.
I think the "horror scene" was pretty well written! I especially loved this one line: "Piercing brown eyes stared at her, glazed, murderous and hollow." However, I do think that the "realization" as well as the "reaction" went by too quickly, if I'm making any sense. Basically, I feel like the last three lines could have been protracted. Talk more about how scared/surprised Katie was. I liked how you built it up to that point, but the last part should have more... stuff XD
Hm.. i think that's about it! I want to read moreeee!!!
Oh my gawd... I can't believe I do these kinds of typos. Gahh!
What could I do without youuu??? Thank you so much. I really meant to write - her aunt was probably looking for 'her', not 'aunt'- so yeah... *face-laptop*
Really!? :3 Thank you! *bows* I have literally NO experience of writing them (or anything in general...), so you couldn't understand my happiness when I read that!
And for that realization- epic point there. I wanted to broaden it on chappie 3, but yep- the realization really needs 'MOAR STUFFZ!' *cracks knuckles*
Thank you, oh great Tessa. This shall help me greatly in the future.
P.S - Update coming!!! XD
Date: Nov 06, 2014 04:28 pm Title: Chapter 1 - The Boring Town
Kind of short for a first chapter, but significantly better than what I've seen on this site. Carry on with this one.
Yeah, I've noticed- it was short... *sweatdrop* But though, thank you so much for the review! :D
Date: Nov 06, 2014 02:36 am Title: Chapter 1 - The Boring Town
oooh. I love it already! Can't wait until Michael comes into the story :D
& since you said you like criticism... haha ok. But note that I point out tiny details rather than giving advice for the story in general. Yes i'm weird like that XD
first: "No internet, no TV, no nothing to cure her boredom." If this takes place during ghosts, it should be like, 1995, when internet wasn't a "mainstream" thing (I don't think... maybe it was). Just saying, but perhaps the story takes place in another time period idk. It's not a big deal though.
also: You called katie "annie" once haha. I feel like that's actually quite common for some reason, using the wrong name. But oh well.
Haha that wasn't even helpful lol. I'm sorry. But I do have one question: How old is Katie? Just wondering... and david as well. I'm guessing they're teenagers or younger, like the kids visiting Someplace Else in Ghosts. People still in school, I would think. I love when stories are focused on Michael's interactions with children and just people in general. In a non-romantic way, though. I feel like there are too many of those on here.
((ahhh this is getting long. you can ignore now if you want haha)
Another thing I like a lot about this story is the way you stress how excruciatingly normal "Normal Valley" is, and how Someplace Else is so much more fun.
Yep, that's about it for now... Please do update. I like this a lot. :)
OMYGAWD! OMYGAWD! THANK YOU SOOO MUCH!
Ehh... sorry, I just got REALLY excited. (Not to mention you're a ranter like me! Can I hug you!? :3 Okay, sorry, I'm getting creepy...)
Thank you for those things! I also need some advise for general, of course, but tiny details are a freakin' must. I sometime miss out on those, so yeah... (And you're not weird! I'm much weird in comparison! XD)
To answer your first: Nah, this takes place in 2014. I'm not really familiar with 1995, and well, I don't really want to get a historical fact wrong. XD No, it wasn't, probably. At least, not so 'nice' like now. I should have said this, huh? Such a clutz I am... XD
Aw, hell no. Thank you so much for pointing that out. I'm just obsessed with this 'Annie' character MJ 'created' in Smooth Criminal, and well, that name is just always rounding my mind and rounding, and rounding... well, you get the idea! XD
Aw, no! It WAS helpful! Cause otherwise lotta other people (probably, lot of, I don't know,) would get confused, and I wouldn't edit it! So thank youj! :3
And Katie is 11-12, David's the same. Yeah! Just like these kids! :D
Really? Can I hug you again? Cause I also love that! And yeah, too many romances... *falls down* It doesn't help the fact that I HATE romance, and well... y'know? XD
(Mine is getting longer... AHHHHHH!)
I guess I did that unknowingly! Hehe, of course I had intended to stress the fact of the 'prim an' proper' Normal Valley, but I didn't know that I had done that for Someplace Else, too. I just thought that was David rattling...
Ahem! Thank you, though!
I shall update soon! Thankyousomuch! Ahhhh! And excuse my rant, btw. *sweatdrop* I've got a feeling you're going to be subjected into a lot more rants...
Date: Nov 05, 2014 12:11 pm Title: Chapter 1 - The Boring Town
I like the start of your story.
Please up date soon.
Thank you so much! :D And I'll update as soon as I can.